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[The One Who Knocks]

See a couple of pyschs. Try to see a neurologist. Get some standard blood tests.
Try some b-vitamins ( active forms (folate , methylcobamin B12)--- some people have has lot of their emotional problems fixed through folate , p-5-p and methylcobamin supplementation ( all active coenzymated forms b- vitamins)

My panic attacks and palpitations got fixed onced I fixed my gut issues.

Sometimes it's just simple vitamin supplementation can fix huge problems.
Blood tests don't reveal the whole picture -- and what I've read they don't measure the vitamins being absorbed in the cells. Just the amount of vitamins in the blood. You have some minerals that float in the blood but are not being absorbed for whatever reasons.

Do some research and see as many doctors as you can. Just avoid invasive tests that can potentially causes problems.

Take your time man. It may seem like the end of the world to take time off but if you need it you need it.

A lot of the problem is my parents, grandparents, and aunt are all contributing in different ways to the cost of my university education, but as I've never been enrolled before I get free college education tuition fees. If I take the year out not only will there be an additional year of costs (as I'll still have to pay the rent for my house every month for the year and have living costs, whether I'm living there or not due to my lease and to secure it for next year, as housing is a major issue near my university), but it'll also be far more expensive as I won't have free tuition for the year. In addition, if I take time out of university, I'll be back in an extremely toxic family environment, and, more than anything, I'll be even more alone than I already am, and if my mental health is bad now it'll decline substantially over the course of the year.

For similar reasons, I'm really unable to see many more doctors as I simply just cannot afford any fees, which is why I'm sticking to the therapist in my university who I'm finding largely unhelpful. I'll definitely try vitamin supplements as my diet is terrible and that is something which could very much be a possibility, so thanks for the recommendation.

I had quite a relieving and cathartic talk with a friend of mine, which has been somewhat helpful, but admittedly the reality that things are not going to be how they were prior to the initial call to the A&E is still taking a very heavy toll. Similarly, I've developed quite a bad-cutting problem (they're not hugely deep, but there is a sizeable number of them, the tops of my arms are pretty much entirely covered in what-had-been-bleeding cuts, my stomach and chest have a number of cuts, I've a few cuts on my thighs; the severity has also prompted a number of people to see a friend of mine and suggest that it's probably necessary that I'm hopsitalised), and my mood continues to vary somewhat drastically. A mid-term I had seemed to have gone alright, but I still think my performance in it was a major drop from what I really should have been at (I went from pretty much B+s to A+s, to, I'd imagine, a D- to a C), and I've more next week (in addition I am almost certainly failed a mid-term I had one week ago, disappointing as I know myself the mid-term was extremely easy). The reality is you're probably right that it's probably right to take time off, but unfortunately it really isn't something possible.

EDIT: It's also rather unfortunate that I really just don't find therapy that helpful. I've never been that good at communicating during speech, and I don't find it helpful at all; writing has always been far easier for me and that doesn't really lend itself well to the therapeutic process.

 

[Insane Metal]

Damn... it's getting hard. I don't know what to do. I think I hate everything in my life right now. Or at least I'm not satisfied with anything, but I'm not strong enough to change a thing. Fuck. FUCK.

 

[JigglesBunny]

Servere anxiety.
Gets triggered at the thought of my completely perfect and amazing girlfriend ever cheating since I have been cheated on before.

How do I deal with anxiety over irrationalities?

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

The knowledge that you hate your life but you feel powerless to actually improve anything is a terrible one. Had my sertraline dose upped to 100mg recently, so at least that dulls those feelings somewhat.

 

[Sagroth]

Over the last year, I've done a great deal to overcome my anxiety/PTSD, which has made my therapist and spouse quite happy. Unfortunately, in recent months it seems to have been replaced by a near constant Dysthymia that I don't know how to shake. It's better than my really bad depressive stints, but combined with my constant fibromyalgia pain, it really seems to be slowing me down.

 

[Piano]

I've dealt with depression and anxiety since childhood, I'm 31 now. It's never gotten easier, so I try to just deal with it. I've had a hard time lately, and it's even tougher when you don't have friends or anyone to really talk to. I bitch to my wife so much that I don't bother taking to her about anything serious, but goddamn does this get old. I feel old and broken down.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, Jombie. Have you considered seeking mental health treatment of some kind?

You know for the duration of this, I have not been able to relax and I think I know why. I feel guilty about relaxing. If I am not being productive, I feel guilty. Like i don't deserve to be relaxing anymore because I feel I have coasted through life and anything remotely relaxing is me wasting time. It even extended to leisurely activities which lends credence to my past post about my interest in videogames waning. It feels like I have to be always on the go, always productive and motivated but I know that'll cause immense burn out. However, I can't get "distracted" and fall into my past habits of "relazing" and not doing anything otherwise I am not making any progress.

Man, I just wish this crisis of conscience hit me earlier.

Man oh man oh man oh man oh man, I've gone through similar SERIOUS guilt in the past year, and it's been really interesting to work through. For a while I liked it, because it meant I was harder working and doing better in school than I ever have before, but by around January of this year it got too extreme. I tried eliminating all brain-dead leisure time from my days (quit playing video games, no more TV, no aimless surfing internet) and it was awful. I discovered that period of mental non-engagement were very crucial for me in order to recharge my brain and prepare for the next engaged task.

So I encourage you to keep thinking about (a) why you feel so guilty being a bit mentally lazy now and then and (b) how to build relaxation time into your day such that you don't feel like you're falling into past habits. For me, I've taken to spelling out everything productive I need to do for a day (usually on a to-do list) and then, once I'm done with those, I feel much better knowing there's nothing else productive I need to do and therefore I do not need to feel as guilty just killing time. I know to-do lists are a no-no in some ways, but it works for me ... when I don't get trapped in endless productive activities or keep finding work for myself. In that case, I've set a cut-off time each night where I stop working unless I've got something due the next day.

Just some thoughts, I hope they're helpful, and I hope you're able to keep learning from your drive to be productive.

Trying new things this year has been pretty tough for me as I've been sheltered for most of my life until very recently when I got a stable job.

It's even tougher knowing that most of my good friends are either in University or working so I don't really have much time contacting them in some way.

Which is why I mostly lurk on Gaf, mainly as a tool to help me get over the loneliness and depression. I also loved looking at how genuine some sites were back in the day, mainly:
http://lounge.moviecodec.com/on-topic/i-am-lonely-will-anyone-speak-to-me-2420/ (i am lonely will anyone speak to me)

I'm glad there's a thread like this on Gaf, even if it saves one life, it makes all the different to that one person. Thanks OP

Glad you could join us, inked_illusion. Loneliness is really tough. Have you found any venues through which you can make some new friends?

Hey everyone, I'm reading different things about antianxiety/depressants and hair loss, what's the story?

I've suddenly had some serious anxiety issues the past 45 days. General practice doctor put my on 7.5 Buspar and a beta blocker I can't remember. I went and saw a psychiatrist who wants to drop the others and start me on 10 mg Paxil. I've read some horror stories with SSRIs and I'm aware they can effect everyone differently but...
there are folks out there stating that Lexapro/Paxil/ etc have led to hair loss for them through a quick Google search. To be honest, I'm a 28 year old male that has a bit of a receding hairline but I love my hair. That's like the main thing I am vain about and it brings me confidence. I'm getting anxiety (oh boy) from taking my prescribed anxiety meds because I'm so worried my hair will start falling out. Can anyone chime in? I don't see it on any side effect lists so I'm hoping to hear some input from you guys.
Thanks so much.

For what it's worth, I have taken LexaPro and Buspar and know several others who have taken them and Paxil as well and I have never heard of hair loss as a side effect. It's worth noting that there are a lot of people who have had a lot of things happen to them that post about it on the internet, and often times there's no way to know if their anecdote is as clearly cause - effect as they make it seem. If hair loss isn't listed as a side effect for those medications that (theoretically) means that when they tested them nobody had resulting hair loss.

Either way, the best person to discuss side effects with is your prescribing doctor. You could also check with your pharmacist and see if they've heard anything.

Anyone here ever just broke down in tears and had their head, arms and hands start prickling strangely?

Hmm, no, I haven't. What sort of prickling? Like a numbness?

Man, for the past week, every single day I've felt like I've been right on the edge of slipping into a massive depression and I have to fight it hard every waking moment. On top of that (and definitely related to that), I've felt physically weak from depression for the past week or so which just compounds the issue.

Have there been any recurring thoughts or patterns of thinking that you've noticed in relation to this creeping depression, Kipp? Any fears or worries creeping around? Surely it's not completely random.

I’m really scared. I'm scared that she is breaking up with me again and that I was nothing more than a glorified sex slave in the end.

The question is, DKQ, at this point do you think the two of you would be able to get back to a strong relationship? Is there a possibility of great success in this circumstance?

So I realized something today, I'm starting to dread weekends. Despite working 50+ hours a week I find myself lingering at work on Fridays to avoid going home. I've struggled with depression and extremely low self esteem all my life but I've always looked forward to my weekends to relax and sit around and play games and watch movies. Between those and work I've become really good at blocking out just how unhappy and pathetic my life truly is. It's not like I haven't known, I've just become really good at "turning my mind off" by keeping it occupied. Now I find myself sitting around in my free time and doing literally nothing. The things that kept me sane have lost their appeal. I think I knew in the back of my head I knew I couldn't keep it up forever. I've never taken any meds or seen a therapist, I've just seemed to accept it that I have a personality disorder and the things I enjoy doing make it easier to live with. Now at age 34 I find myself facing something that I've been avoiding as long as possible.

The best solution I can come up with is to try to start dating. As an unattractive, unsuccessful, incredibly boring introvert I'm sure it'll go great. Not to mention I have less experience with women than men half my age. I guess in someway maybe it's a blessing that this happened now rather than in my 40s or later. I guess only time will tell.

I'm sorry to the people posting here who have more serious problems reading this. I feel guilty even putting this here to be honest. There's no doubt millions of people on this planet who'd trade places with me in a second. I try to remind myself of that as often as I can. As a white, straight, male I already get a pass on so many things that others have to deal with on a daily basis.

Anyways, thanks for reading my rant. Now to try to figure out how these online dating sites work...

I really encourage you to look into seeing a therapist, HB. If you established a good relationship with a therapist or counselor you could begin to work through the feelings you're avoiding and why they're happening so you can find more long term solutions instead of just continuing to run.

Also, online dating is an adventure. The GAF Online Dating OT is both interesting and helpful. I got some good feedback when I first set up a profile.

Do any of you have any experience with Paxil? I've been put on a relatively low daily dose (10mg) , started on Wednesday, and I'm actually feeling worse. I slept all day, don't want to get up and do anything, even the thought of playing a videogame is unpleasant. I've read that it can make you feel worse for a while before it gets better, but does anyone know if this is true?

Granted, I had a pretty shitty night last night and day today anyway, so it may not be the medication, but I'd be curious to see others' experiences with starting on Paxil.

I would check with your doctor just to be sure, MattyG. I hope you're feeling better today.

I just went to a hypnotherapy session on my psychiatrist's suggestion as kind of a last resort. I still don't know how I feel about that. I'll just have to wait a while and see if there are any results. I guess it was relaxing if nothing else...

Hypnotherapy? What was it like?

Despite knowing that getting drunk taking a handful of medications (earlier in the day) was not a good idea, I've never been drunk before so I figured in a social setting why not. But I also tried weed for the first time so maybe that was going too far...

Personally, I never enjoyed mixing booze and weed. Just gave me the spins.
And yeah, drinking and medication is generally not a good idea. That being said, did you have a good time?

EDIT: It's also rather unfortunate that I really just don't find therapy that helpful. I've never been that good at communicating during speech, and I don't find it helpful at all; writing has always been far easier for me and that doesn't really lend itself well to the therapeutic process.

Actually, writing definitely can lend itself to the therapeutic process! These days I spend almost every therapy appointment either reading what I wrote or talking about the feelings I was writing about. Sometimes I've even submitted writing to my therapist if it's a longer piece I want him to read. I encourage you to take your writing into your appointments if you're comfortable doing so, even if you just use it as a prompt for talking.

Also, in what way are you dissatisfied with your therapist? Have you considered bringing up your concerns with him / her directly?

Damn... it's getting hard. I don't know what to do. I think I hate everything in my life right now. Or at least I'm not satisfied with anything, but I'm not strong enough to change a thing. Fuck. FUCK.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, Insane Metal. What are some of the things you feel you need to change?

Servere anxiety.
Gets triggered at the thought of my completely perfect and amazing girlfriend ever cheating since I have been cheated on before.

How do I deal with anxiety over irrationalities?

Have you discussed your anxiety with her directly, JB?

The knowledge that you hate your life but you feel powerless to actually improve anything is a terrible one. Had my sertraline dose upped to 100mg recently, so at least that dulls those feelings somewhat.

What sorts of things do you feel powerless to improve, RP?

Over the last year, I've done a great deal to overcome my anxiety/PTSD, which has made my therapist and spouse quite happy. Unfortunately, in recent months it seems to have been replaced by a near constant Dysthymia that I don't know how to shake. It's better than my really bad depressive stints, but combined with my constant fibromyalgia pain, it really seems to be slowing me down.

Have you been able to make any sense of what may be behind the malaise, Sagroth?

<3

 

[la flama blanca]

Being with someone who had BPD for over 7 years along with my own PTSD like symptoms and extreme anxiety has left me fucking wrecked. My OCD is out of control, my avoidance and self sabotage is fucking insane right now. I actually feel crazy.

 

[Steamlord]

Hypnotherapy? What was it like?

She used a lot of imagery and had me basically recount past experiences and sort of...put them in a new perspective, I guess? Again, no idea if it actually worked. She told me to allow two weeks to see the effects, but I went to a hiring event yesterday and my anxiety was through the roof so that's not very reassuring. But I guess I'll see.

 

[la flama blanca]

She used a lot of imagery and had me basically recount past experiences and sort of...put them in a new perspective, I guess? Again, no idea if it actually worked. She told me to allow two weeks to see the effects, but I went to a hiring event yesterday and my anxiety was through the roof so that's not very reassuring. But I guess I'll see.

Hypnotherapy is more the type of thing that helps you reframe and "feel" things you otherwise wouldn't feel in your current state. It sorta helped me with my anxiety by helping me feel some confidence in a time where I couldn't muster up anything but fear.

 

[Kipp]

Have there been any recurring thoughts or patterns of thinking that you've noticed in relation to this creeping depression, Kipp? Any fears or worries creeping around? Surely it's not completely random.

One of the things that's kind of always frustrated me about my depression is that I really don't think that I think very negatively. I mean, that may or may not actually be true in actuality, but I feel like I have pretty good insight into myself and the way I think and I don't think my thought processes are overwhelming negative. Like, I don't catch myself thinking outright "I'm a horrible excuse for a person," "Everybody hates me," and blatant stuff like that. That's not to say that I don't think those things in more subtle ways that aren't as easy to catch though.
All that to say, there aren't really any recurring thoughts or patterns that I'm aware of. Which is probably why I ought to get around to seeing a therapist (I know, I know; I still don't know what's stopping me and I know it must be somewhat frustrating for you to have to give me the same good advice each time).
One thing that I'm not sure is a cause or effect of my depression is that I can't seem to find much meaning in my life. I don't have any friends that I hang out with (which doesn't mean I don't have friends; I have friends at the bouldering gym and plenty of friends at work, I just don't hang out with them outside of those places), I don't find fulfillment in my job, I just feel like I'm wasting my time away waiting for meaning to come into my life. Like I said, it's hard to say whether that's a cause or effect of my depression, but I do feel like from an objective point of view I've got a life that should be enjoyable and fulfilling, so I'm inclined to say that's more of an effect of my depression than a cause.

Rambled on a bit there, but all in all, no clue.

 

[Conkersbadfurday]

Feels a little strange posting here, since by all accounts I don't have depression. I've gotten it seasonally (Midwestern winters are no joke), and had it super bad in 2014. Not looking forward to Christmas/January this year. But we'll see.

Actually, the big reason I've been reading through this thread is that I'm about to edit a novel, and I wrote a character with clinical depression. I based it mostly off how I feel when I'm at my lowest (write what you know), but of course needed to do some actual research to make sure I've handled it right.

Editing will be...interesting.

But I'm really glad this thread and threads like it exist as a resource for people who are struggling long term. It's amazing how much value there is in these 347 pages, and the togetherness is heartwarming.

Ya'll deserve the best, and I hope you achieve whatever it is your looking for.

 

[A Human Becoming]

My friend basically ditched me today to hang out and fuck this guy she met 2-3 weeks ago. He came back to her place last night while I was asleep without notifying me. This morning I dashed out of her apartment because I felt uncomfortable. He's a cool guy but I told her last night I didn't want to feel like the third wheel. I did not go out with them for lunch today for that reason. She asked me to go away for an hour to have sex than proceeded to go out hiking with him. I've been at her place the last week visiting from the east coast. We're friends from college; I had not seen her in three years.

We have done a lot of stuff since I came, but he comes to her town every weekend, where as I'll be leaving Friday. Tomorrow is the last day we can really do anything since she's back to work Tuesday. I don't know when I'll see her again. I feel both angry and sad right now. People I know think she's being a bad friend. Of course they're hearing it only from my perspective.

 

[The One Who Knocks]

Actually, writing definitely can lend itself to the therapeutic process! These days I spend almost every therapy appointment either reading what I wrote or talking about the feelings I was writing about. Sometimes I've even submitted writing to my therapist if it's a longer piece I want him to read. I encourage you to take your writing into your appointments if you're comfortable doing so, even if you just use it as a prompt for talking.

Also, in what way are you dissatisfied with your therapist? Have you considered bringing up your concerns with him / her directly?

Apologies as I probably phrased that poorly, t's more that I'm not really able to express myself verbally, and that I cannot answer the therapist in a way that I feel most accurately represents my feelings; in order for me to provide 'proper' answers (to even relatively simple things), I'd really need to write out a response rather than talk about it, which is not something that is really possible in a session (because for obvious reasons I'd quickly run over the time limit getting through very little).

It's not so much a dissatisfaction with the therapist himself, as it is a dissatisfaction with the overall process. I just really don't find talking about how I feel helpful, remotely. I've expressed it to him, and he still feels it'll be helpful, I just don't really share his enthusiasm about the process I suppose.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

Man oh man oh man oh man oh man, I've gone through similar SERIOUS guilt in the past year, and it's been really interesting to work through. For a while I liked it, because it meant I was harder working and doing better in school than I ever have before, but by around January of this year it got too extreme. I tried eliminating all brain-dead leisure time from my days (quit playing video games, no more TV, no aimless surfing internet) and it was awful. I discovered that period of mental non-engagement were very crucial for me in order to recharge my brain and prepare for the next engaged task.

So I encourage you to keep thinking about (a) why you feel so guilty being a bit mentally lazy now and then and (b) how to build relaxation time into your day such that you don't feel like you're falling into past habits. For me, I've taken to spelling out everything productive I need to do for a day (usually on a to-do list) and then, once I'm done with those, I feel much better knowing there's nothing else productive I need to do and therefore I do not need to feel as guilty just killing time. I know to-do lists are a no-no in some ways, but it works for me ... when I don't get trapped in endless productive activities or keep finding work for myself. In that case, I've set a cut-off time each night where I stop working unless I've got something due the next day.

Just some thoughts, I hope they're helpful, and I hope you're able to keep learning from your drive to be productive.

I'll do that. I used to do the opposite which is, of course, procrastination.

Now that I am back home, I am all keyed up, ready to do something but the worst part is that I can't do anything until tomorrow so I figure i'll just save the guilt for another day because I don't have a choice. Now I am just waiting impatiently to get help and cross that gnarled, bramble filled bridge when I get there.

 

[Lilith]

I am truly sorry to interrupt the thread by shouting in now, but I am really desperate.

My fiancé and follow GAF member did tell me about an hour ago, that he is going to kill himself tomorrow. Long story, short: he is almost 29, has a long history of depression and other psychological issues. Now we both aren't successful in our lives (I also suffer from despression and anxiety for over 10 years now) and at university (still B.A., living in Germany) we don't come to an end with our studies and the older we get, the less we see a bright future for the both of us. We both have our ups and downs and I was planning my suicide twice already so far. But he always pushed me somehow through, so I remained in a stable condition. I am deeply thankful that he is caring so much about me. Today he came from a doctor's appointment (to which mentioned doctor didn't turn up) and told me in a serious tone that he is going to kill himself tomorrow. Preceded by his "decision" was the fact that I had met with a lecturer from our university. Rules for exams were changed and these exams would get harder. I wrote him a quick message about this and he just wrote back that he'd be going to drop out of college and I was like "okay, I will talk to her [the lecturer] again tomorrow, she seemed stressed today, maybe things will clear up." But he refused and when he came back home he dropped his suicidal thought on me.

So now, what do I do? Because I am not like him. I talk very little and get angry, because I'm so scared to lose him. And he has not the best relation to his family. Shall I call the police, ambulance or what? Suicide help line?

 

[Shadybiz]

Checking in…I think I just need to make a post here. I feel completely broken.

I think I’ve been mildly depressed basically forever. I’ve been in and out of psychologist’s offices since 8th grade, mainly for life adjustments. My favorite out of the bunch passed away a few years ago, so I can’t go to him and talk about stuff.

It all came to a head just this past week. My job is awful…I’m a financial analyst with a utility. It’s not stimulating, there are long hours, low-ish pay for the amount of responsibility and accountability, and I don’t really have any friends there. I’ve been with the company for over 9 years, been in that department for a little over 1 year.

Last week, they sent me down to Florida for a conference (I live in NJ). I didn’t want to go, because I would have to be away from my wife for a week, and I would miss her. However, it wasn’t really something I had a choice about…it’s not a good move to say “Oh no, I don’t want to go to that.”

So, I went. I don’t really do well in “mingling” situations, so I mostly just stayed in my room after the daily sessions. I performed well and was sociable and outgoing in the required small group sessions, but as for going out to eat and such by myself, yeah I don’t do that. I would get dinner from the local restaurant and bring it to my room. The company saved money on me for lunches, because I didn’t eat lunch, as I had to log in and actually work during the lunch hour. All in all, I hated it. The beach was about 300 yards from my hotel. Didn’t go. I couldn’t deal with it. There was one night where I went out to dinner, but that was kind of a mandatory thing, because there were multiple people there from my company, and one of the higher-ups suggested the dinner. Can’t really say no to that, either.

Possibly the worst part of it was that 2 people that work in my building had gone down as well. About a month ago, one of them IM’d me and asked if I wanted to go to the casino/club with them while we were down there, to which I said that I definitely would. The subject of this outing came up while we were all at that forced dinner. My name didn’t come up at all. I was actually excluded entirely. After the week was over, I asked the guy who originally invited me “Oh, did you guys make it out to the casino,” and he says “Oh yeah, we all went on Wednesday, it was a real fun time, etc.” Again, no mention of the prior invite, no apology, etc.

I suppose it’s possible that he forgot, as it was about a month ago, but doubtful; he’s a pretty sharp guy, all things considered. It’s funny…it is really a seemingly small thing…a missed night out, who cares, you know? But, it still had the effect of making me feel like complete shit. It was kind of icing on top of the shit cake.

I am currently looking for new jobs. I took the day off to decompress, and I’m trying to find something that I might enjoy. But now, I’m looking at the screen, and I feel like I’m too stupid/uneducated/inexperienced to do any of these jobs. I have a goddamn Masters with concentrations in Finance and Accounting, but I feel like it’s hopeless. It’s possible that my job made me feel this way over the years, or it’s possible that I make myself feel this way, or both.

Like I said, I feel broken, and I don’t know what to do. I’m not suicidal or anything, but I just feel like all is lost. In reality, I have a wonderful wife, live in a nice house in a good neighborhood, I’m able to afford my student loan payments, and I have parents and a sister who love me…there is no reason I should feel the way I do, yet I do.

Apologies for the very long post. I know that my situation is not unique, and millions go through this every day. I don’t know that I would want medication. I know that if I exercised more, it would help elevate my mood, but I haven’t had much time for working out recently, due to the aforementioned ridiculous hours. Before I started in that department, I would hit the gym 3 or 4 times per week, was very active, and I think that kind of held off the terrible feelings for awhile. Now, I usually feel completely wiped out by the time I get home, and that feeling is compounding the longer it continues.

 

[Sagroth]

Have you been able to make any sense of what may be behind the malaise, Sagroth?

Somewhat. My school changing graduations requirements, forcing me to take another two semesters of classes and thus be poorer for longer, is probably a motivator. Also along the the fibro is the fact that my lupus is destroying my thyroid slowly, and my my psoriasis is making the skin peel off my face in a way which i find rather offputting.

But then again, I've got a history of depression that goes back just as far as the anxiety. I had a suicide attempt in 5th grade, after all. At this point, some level of depression is likely always going to be a part of my brain's chemical makeup. I'm lucky it's not worse.

 

[ced]

My anxiety has finally become too much for me to control myself, and I've pretty gone into a panic disorder slowly the last year, and now it's panic attacks every night for no reason except me actually thinking "man I hope I don't have a panic attack again" and then boom here they come.

Anyone on Effexor XR or have anything to say about it? Dr wants me to try the low dose, in the past I didn't get far into Lexapro etc because of night terror side effects.

I just wanted to follow up on this.

I started on 37.5 (lowest dose) of Effexor XR and after about 4 weeks it completely stopped my evening anxiety and panic attacks. I can't believe I waited years to do something about the panic attacks every night.

I still feel a tad anxious here and there, but I don't want to up the dose for now. It's been pretty side effect free besides some sexual stuff like not being able to finish as easy lol

 

[Piano]

Being with someone who had BPD for over 7 years along with my own PTSD like symptoms and extreme anxiety has left me fucking wrecked. My OCD is out of control, my avoidance and self sabotage is fucking insane right now. I actually feel crazy.

Apologies if you've already established this, lfb, but are you receiving any mental health treatment for these issues? I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

One of the things that's kind of always frustrated me about my depression is that I really don't think that I think very negatively. I mean, that may or may not actually be true in actuality, but I feel like I have pretty good insight into myself and the way I think and I don't think my thought processes are overwhelming negative. Like, I don't catch myself thinking outright "I'm a horrible excuse for a person," "Everybody hates me," and blatant stuff like that. That's not to say that I don't think those things in more subtle ways that aren't as easy to catch though.
All that to say, there aren't really any recurring thoughts or patterns that I'm aware of. Which is probably why I ought to get around to seeing a therapist (I know, I know; I still don't know what's stopping me and I know it must be somewhat frustrating for you to have to give me the same good advice each time).
One thing that I'm not sure is a cause or effect of my depression is that I can't seem to find much meaning in my life. I don't have any friends that I hang out with (which doesn't mean I don't have friends; I have friends at the bouldering gym and plenty of friends at work, I just don't hang out with them outside of those places), I don't find fulfillment in my job, I just feel like I'm wasting my time away waiting for meaning to come into my life. Like I said, it's hard to say whether that's a cause or effect of my depression, but I do feel like from an objective point of view I've got a life that should be enjoyable and fulfilling, so I'm inclined to say that's more of an effect of my depression than a cause.

Rambled on a bit there, but all in all, no clue.

Call it a hunch, but I think the bolded (and everything after it) is closer to a cause than an effect, going based on what I've learned about how the two relate over the past few years. My anecdotal experience is not gospel, but it may be worth a thought or two.

In my opinion, the only objective point of view on a life being fulfilling is whether it feels fulfilling, and that feeling will hinge on different factors for each and every person. Hence why you can't bribe happiness with a big house or a fast car. The question is: what is meaningful to you? Could you go out and cultivate that meaning instead of waiting for it to arrive?

I'm not religious of any sort, so I've never had meaning arrive in my life like some may believe it can. I spent years hoping it would, though.

Feels a little strange posting here, since by all accounts I don't have depression. I've gotten it seasonally (Midwestern winters are no joke), and had it super bad in 2014. Not looking forward to Christmas/January this year. But we'll see.

Actually, the big reason I've been reading through this thread is that I'm about to edit a novel, and I wrote a character with clinical depression. I based it mostly off how I feel when I'm at my lowest (write what you know), but of course needed to do some actual research to make sure I've handled it right.

Editing will be...interesting.

But I'm really glad this thread and threads like it exist as a resource for people who are struggling long term. It's amazing how much value there is in these 347 pages, and the togetherness is heartwarming.

Ya'll deserve the best, and I hope you achieve whatever it is your looking for.

Thanks for the well wishes, cbfd. I hope your editing (and your winter) goes well!

My friend basically ditched me today to hang out and fuck this guy she met 2-3 weeks ago. He came back to her place last night while I was asleep without notifying me. This morning I dashed out of her apartment because I felt uncomfortable. He's a cool guy but I told her last night I didn't want to feel like the third wheel. I did not go out with them for lunch today for that reason. She asked me to go away for an hour to have sex than proceeded to go out hiking with him. I've been at her place the last week visiting from the east coast. We're friends from college; I had not seen her in three years.

We have done a lot of stuff since I came, but he comes to her town every weekend, where as I'll be leaving Friday. Tomorrow is the last day we can really do anything since she's back to work Tuesday. I don't know when I'll see her again. I feel both angry and sad right now. People I know think she's being a bad friend. Of course they're hearing it only from my perspective.

That sounds like a tremendously frustrating and hurtful situation, AHB. Were you able to find any common ground in your final day?

Apologies as I probably phrased that poorly, t's more that I'm not really able to express myself verbally, and that I cannot answer the therapist in a way that I feel most accurately represents my feelings; in order for me to provide 'proper' answers (to even relatively simple things), I'd really need to write out a response rather than talk about it, which is not something that is really possible in a session (because for obvious reasons I'd quickly run over the time limit getting through very little).

It's not so much a dissatisfaction with the therapist himself, as it is a dissatisfaction with the overall process. I just really don't find talking about how I feel helpful, remotely. I've expressed it to him, and he still feels it'll be helpful, I just don't really share his enthusiasm about the process I suppose.

I see what you're saying now. The confusion was perhaps because my therapy process lately works a bit differently. My therapist rarely asks questions mid-session; rather, as we're finishing up or I finish talking about a topic he leaves me with a few things to consider, which then often become the grounds for my writing over the following week.

Still, none of it would work without trust. Do you feel that you trust your therapist? Do you see how therapy, theoretically, could be helpful? For what it's worth, your writing here is plenty articulate!

I'll do that. I used to do the opposite which is, of course, procrastination.

Now that I am back home, I am all keyed up, ready to do something but the worst part is that I can't do anything until tomorrow so I figure i'll just save the guilt for another day because I don't have a choice. Now I am just waiting impatiently to get help and cross that gnarled, bramble filled bridge when I get there.

Sounds like you're headed in a good direction with it all, FITG. Definitely don't take my anecdotes as the gospel truth; what works for me may not work as well for you, and vice versa. But I think if you can get into that mindset of "okay, let's ride this bull. Let's experiment. Let's see what works" then it can only lead to good places in your development of coping mechanisms and understanding of self.

I am truly sorry to interrupt the thread by shouting in now, but I am really desperate.

My fiancé and follow GAF member did tell me about an hour ago, that he is going to kill himself tomorrow. Long story, short: he is almost 29, has a long history of depression and other psychological issues. Now we both aren't successful in our lives (I also suffer from despression and anxiety for over 10 years now) and at university (still B.A., living in Germany) we don't come to an end with our studies and the older we get, the less we see a bright future for the both of us. We both have our ups and downs and I was planning my suicide twice already so far. But he always pushed me somehow through, so I remained in a stable condition. I am deeply thankful that he is caring so much about me. Today he came from a doctor's appointment (to which mentioned doctor didn't turn up) and told me in a serious tone that he is going to kill himself tomorrow. Preceded by his "decision" was the fact that I had met with a lecturer from our university. Rules for exams were changed and these exams would get harder. I wrote him a quick message about this and he just wrote back that he'd be going to drop out of college and I was like "okay, I will talk to her [the lecturer] again tomorrow, she seemed stressed today, maybe things will clear up." But he refused and when he came back home he dropped his suicidal thought on me.

So now, what do I do? Because I am not like him. I talk very little and get angry, because I'm so scared to lose him. And he has not the best relation to his family. Shall I call the police, ambulance or what? Suicide help line?

Lilith,

If you believe he is a threat to himself then yes, it may be appropriate to take action in some way, or several ways. I don't know you, him, or the circumstances well enough to recommend an exact course of action, but if he is an immediate threat to himself then it may be best to go straight for a life saver. In any case a crisis hotline will likely know about the local resources and can provide you with more information about the possibilities.

I hope for the best for both of you.

Checking in…I think I just need to make a post here. I feel completely broken.

I think I’ve been mildly depressed basically forever. I’ve been in and out of psychologist’s offices since 8th grade, mainly for life adjustments. My favorite out of the bunch passed away a few years ago, so I can’t go to him and talk about stuff.

It all came to a head just this past week. My job is awful…I’m a financial analyst with a utility. It’s not stimulating, there are long hours, low-ish pay for the amount of responsibility and accountability, and I don’t really have any friends there. I’ve been with the company for over 9 years, been in that department for a little over 1 year.

Last week, they sent me down to Florida for a conference (I live in NJ). I didn’t want to go, because I would have to be away from my wife for a week, and I would miss her. However, it wasn’t really something I had a choice about…it’s not a good move to say “Oh no, I don’t want to go to that.”

So, I went. I don’t really do well in “mingling” situations, so I mostly just stayed in my room after the daily sessions. I performed well and was sociable and outgoing in the required small group sessions, but as for going out to eat and such by myself, yeah I don’t do that. I would get dinner from the local restaurant and bring it to my room. The company saved money on me for lunches, because I didn’t eat lunch, as I had to log in and actually work during the lunch hour. All in all, I hated it. The beach was about 300 yards from my hotel. Didn’t go. I couldn’t deal with it. There was one night where I went out to dinner, but that was kind of a mandatory thing, because there were multiple people there from my company, and one of the higher-ups suggested the dinner. Can’t really say no to that, either.

Possibly the worst part of it was that 2 people that work in my building had gone down as well. About a month ago, one of them IM’d me and asked if I wanted to go to the casino/club with them while we were down there, to which I said that I definitely would. The subject of this outing came up while we were all at that forced dinner. My name didn’t come up at all. I was actually excluded entirely. After the week was over, I asked the guy who originally invited me “Oh, did you guys make it out to the casino,” and he says “Oh yeah, we all went on Wednesday, it was a real fun time, etc.” Again, no mention of the prior invite, no apology, etc.

I suppose it’s possible that he forgot, as it was about a month ago, but doubtful; he’s a pretty sharp guy, all things considered. It’s funny…it is really a seemingly small thing…a missed night out, who cares, you know? But, it still had the effect of making me feel like complete shit. It was kind of icing on top of the shit cake.

I am currently looking for new jobs. I took the day off to decompress, and I’m trying to find something that I might enjoy. But now, I’m looking at the screen, and I feel like I’m too stupid/uneducated/inexperienced to do any of these jobs. I have a goddamn Masters with concentrations in Finance and Accounting, but I feel like it’s hopeless. It’s possible that my job made me feel this way over the years, or it’s possible that I make myself feel this way, or both.

Like I said, I feel broken, and I don’t know what to do. I’m not suicidal or anything, but I just feel like all is lost. In reality, I have a wonderful wife, live in a nice house in a good neighborhood, I’m able to afford my student loan payments, and I have parents and a sister who love me…there is no reason I should feel the way I do, yet I do.

Apologies for the very long post. I know that my situation is not unique, and millions go through this every day. I don’t know that I would want medication. I know that if I exercised more, it would help elevate my mood, but I haven’t had much time for working out recently, due to the aforementioned ridiculous hours. Before I started in that department, I would hit the gym 3 or 4 times per week, was very active, and I think that kind of held off the terrible feelings for awhile. Now, I usually feel completely wiped out by the time I get home, and that feeling is compounding the longer it continues.

Shadybiz,
First of all, your situation is unique and it matters. Period. I am struck most by how it seems that the difficulties you're facing have been magnified by some catastrophic thinking - things like trouble with social relationships or a career translating to "I am a failure and I suck completely". Surely life isn't that black and white, no?

I'm sorry to hear that you lost a psychologist whom you trusted. Have you looked for any new set-ups since? Medication may or may not help, but if seeing a psychologist helped in the past then surely it would help again.

Somewhat. My school changing graduations requirements, forcing me to take another two semesters of classes and thus be poorer for longer, is probably a motivator. Also along the the fibro is the fact that my lupus is destroying my thyroid slowly, and my my psoriasis is making the skin peel off my face in a way which i find rather offputting.

But then again, I've got a history of depression that goes back just as far as the anxiety. I had a suicide attempt in 5th grade, after all. At this point, some level of depression is likely always going to be a part of my brain's chemical makeup. I'm lucky it's not worse.

Those really do sound like difficult circumstances, Sagroth. I admire that you're still marching along, for whatever that's worth. Hopefully with time you will adjust to the moving educational goalposts; I cannot imagine the challenge of the health conditions you're facing but it sounds like you've got a reasonably balanced perspective on them already. Do you feel there's anything that could help you out of your slump?

I just wanted to follow up on this.

I started on 37.5 (lowest dose) of Effexor XR and after about 4 weeks it completely stopped my evening anxiety and panic attacks. I can't believe I waited years to do something about the panic attacks every night.

I still feel a tad anxious here and there, but I don't want to up the dose for now. It's been pretty side effect free besides some sexual stuff like not being able to finish as easy lol

I'm so glad to hear it, ced!
And hey, needing a bit of extra polish in sexual situations isn't so bad. Now you can just straight thrust for 30 minutes like the alpha studs on GAF.

Spoiler

Too crass? Those threads always make me laugh.

<3

 

[la flama blanca]

Apologies if you've already established this, lfb, but are you receiving any mental health treatment for these issues? I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

I sort of am, but I am having an extremely difficult time with my OCD and my obsessive behavior makes me late for everything and I often arrive 10-15 minutes late to only just sit in the parking lot, beat myself up and never go. I am starting to feel like my avoidance is becoming really crazy right now.

 

[Rafa=FedKilla]

One of the things that's kind of always frustrated me about my depression is that I really don't think that I think very negatively. I mean, that may or may not actually be true in actuality, but I feel like I have pretty good insight into myself and the way I think and I don't think my thought processes are overwhelming negative. Like, I don't catch myself thinking outright "I'm a horrible excuse for a person," "Everybody hates me," and blatant stuff like that. That's not to say that I don't think those things in more subtle ways that aren't as easy to catch though.
All that to say, there aren't really any recurring thoughts or patterns that I'm aware of. Which is probably why I ought to get around to seeing a therapist (I know, I know; I still don't know what's stopping me and I know it must be somewhat frustrating for you to have to give me the same good advice each time).
One thing that I'm not sure is a cause or effect of my depression is that I can't seem to find much meaning in my life. I don't have any friends that I hang out with (which doesn't mean I don't have friends; I have friends at the bouldering gym and plenty of friends at work, I just don't hang out with them outside of those places), I don't find fulfillment in my job, I just feel like I'm wasting my time away waiting for meaning to come into my life. Like I said, it's hard to say whether that's a cause or effect of my depression, but I do feel like from an objective point of view I've got a life that should be enjoyable and fulfilling, so I'm inclined to say that's more of an effect of my depression than a cause.

Rambled on a bit there, but all in all, no clue.

Actually, I had a pretty big write up planned on positive self talk and the negative consequences it can have on those with depression and me.

 

[redlegs87]

I've been pretty frustrated lately my medication I am on is working great for stabilizing my mood but my concentration is still utter crap. I previously took Ritalin when I was younger and I brought that up with my psychiatrist but he didn't want to put me on anything like that right away as it might push me into mania. It's been 2 months since he upped my dosage of latuda and bupropion to see if it'd help but it hasn't. I really hope this up coming visit he'll finally add on something for my ADHD. If he is still resistant to the idea what could I do to try and sway him?

 

[The One Who Knocks]

I see what you're saying now. The confusion was perhaps because my therapy process lately works a bit differently. My therapist rarely asks questions mid-session; rather, as we're finishing up or I finish talking about a topic he leaves me with a few things to consider, which then often become the grounds for my writing over the following week.

Still, none of it would work without trust. Do you feel that you trust your therapist? Do you see how therapy, theoretically, could be helpful? For what it's worth, your writing here is plenty articulate!

I don't trust him, nor will I trust any therapist. I see how therapy can be useful to some, but as I've expressed to him, I don't believe it's something that will be, or has been, remotely useful to me. Coincidentally, I just finished a session which started two hours ago, which ran on for an additional hour (hence two hours ago), and it basically ended with me admitting I still, multiple sessions in, wish to drop it, and arranging a final session.

 

[Dr_Boris_Goltz]

Is anyone on Abilify or Viibryd?

I'm on both and I'm in a constant state of exhaustion, but I can't sleep for more than an hour at a time. It's really awful.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

Got some cleaning done today, it did keep me occupied but as soon as I sit and rest my laurels, the anxiety and sadness comes back. I am in such a fucking rush to get my diagnosis and do a million of other things. What's gotten me upset recently though is my relative lack of options for help. 90% of the psychologists I have looked up do not cover my state funded insurance. I did however make an appointment for intake at a behavioral health clinic that does. However, these types of places are notoriously mediocre and often use their patients as guinea pigs for a rotation of psychology students from the university. If that's the case, I am going to have to bite the bullet and go through the complexities of getting new insurance, which drudges up all sorts of dread and anxiety from me.

More importantly though, I am scared. Scared that the moments I have where I am fine will be more sparse as time goes on. I don't want to end up with the diagnosis that I have major depression or some affliction that has altered me for the worse. I don't want to be put on something that makes me emotionally dead. I don't want my 20s to end with a dud, but a triumph. I want to feel human and content again.

Sounds like you're headed in a good direction with it all, FITG. Definitely don't take my anecdotes as the gospel truth; what works for me may not work as well for you, and vice versa. But I think if you can get into that mindset of "okay, let's ride this bull. Let's experiment. Let's see what works" then it can only lead to good places in your development of coping mechanisms and understanding of self.

Let's hope so.

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

The question is, DKQ, at this point do you think the two of you would be able to get back to a strong relationship? Is there a possibility of great success in this circumstance?

I realised that it doesn't make sense anymore. I'm a fairly sensitive person and I would definitely hold the whole situation with the boyfriend and other things against her sooner or later. I also don't want a girlfriend who just took me back because I was available. I'm done.

But you know what? I had a date today with a girl I've been chatting for a couple of weeks. And she is an absolutely incredible person. That date and especially the amazing kiss at the end was all I needed to move on.

It is so weird how on person can make you feel better instantly. I'm currently on the train and just can't stop grinning like an idiot. Can't wait to see her again on Sunday.

 

[Piano]

I sort of am, but I am having an extremely difficult time with my OCD and my obsessive behavior makes me late for everything and I often arrive 10-15 minutes late to only just sit in the parking lot, beat myself up and never go. I am starting to feel like my avoidance is becoming really crazy right now.

Have you discussed your avoidance of appointments and the such with the person you're seeing? I'm curious what their perspective is / how they handle situations like that.

I've been pretty frustrated lately my medication I am on is working great for stabilizing my mood but my concentration is still utter crap. I previously took Ritalin when I was younger and I brought that up with my psychiatrist but he didn't want to put me on anything like that right away as it might push me into mania. It's been 2 months since he upped my dosage of latuda and bupropion to see if it'd help but it hasn't. I really hope this up coming visit he'll finally add on something for my ADHD. If he is still resistant to the idea what could I do to try and sway him?

I don't think there's any one set way to sway a psych, redlegs, not to mention the idea, in theory, is that he or she knows better than you or I what is a good idea and therefore it shouldn't be a matter of lobbying your doctor for more pills. That being said, that's obviously not the gist of what you're going through, so here's my approach: if you have issues you feel are not being treated adequately then it's probably a good idea to bring that up regularly at every appointment and ask him / her how he / she intends to help you deal with those issues. Firmly (yet respectfully!) ask questions and try to get answers about what sorts of things can be done to help your situation.

I don't trust him, nor will I trust any therapist. I see how therapy can be useful to some, but as I've expressed to him, I don't believe it's something that will be, or has been, remotely useful to me. Coincidentally, I just finished a session which started two hours ago, which ran on for an additional hour (hence two hours ago), and it basically ended with me admitting I still, multiple sessions in, wish to drop it, and arranging a final session.

I find it interesting that you don't think you can trust any therapist, TOWK. Why has it shaped up that way, if you care to share?

Is anyone on Abilify or Viibryd?

I'm on both and I'm in a constant state of exhaustion, but I can't sleep for more than an hour at a time. It's really awful.

I haven't taken Viibryd, but Abilify made it very difficult for me to sleep. If you can't sleep for more than an hour at a time then please consult with your prescribing doctor ASAP. Lack of sleep is a big, big deal.

Got some cleaning done today, it did keep me occupied but as soon as I sit and rest my laurels, the anxiety and sadness comes back. I am in such a fucking rush to get my diagnosis and do a million of other things.

What if you just sat down, took a bit of time, and let your emotions hit you? What if you faced them directly and tried to allow them completely? How would they feel and develop?

What's gotten me upset recently though is my relative lack of options for help. 90% of the psychologists I have looked up do not cover my state funded insurance. I did however make an appointment for intake at a behavioral health clinic that does. However, these types of places are notoriously mediocre and often use their patients as guinea pigs for a rotation of psychology students from the university. If that's the case, I am going to have to bite the bullet and go through the complexities of getting new insurance, which drudges up all sorts of dread and anxiety from me.

It's important to take these things one step at a time. There will always be another step after our next one but if we're so concentrated on that certain future then we may never be totally focused on the realities of the present moment. With something like a behavioral health clinic, worst comes to worst you go for a few times and it's not for you. By then you'll know more than you know now and thus can make a decision about what comes next.

More importantly though, I am scared. Scared that the moments I have where I am fine will be more sparse as time goes on. I don't want to end up with the diagnosis that I have major depression or some affliction that has altered me for the worse. I don't want to be put on something that makes me emotionally dead. I don't want my 20s to end with a dud, but a triumph. I want to feel human and content again.

Those are some big fears, FITG, and I can imagine that they're very difficult to contend with. I hope you can take my word for it that none of those are a given and there are many, many options ahead that - again- must be explored just one step at a time. Or one rodeo at a time if things are really tough.

I realised that it doesn't make sense anymore. I'm a fairly sensitive person and I would definitely hold the whole situation with the boyfriend and other things against her sooner or later. I also don't want a girlfriend who just took me back because I was available. I'm done.

But you know what? I had a date today with a girl I've been chatting for a couple of weeks. And she is an absolutely incredible person. That date and especially the amazing kiss at the end was all I needed to move on.

It is so weird how on person can make you feel better instantly. I'm currently on the train and just can't stop grinning like an idiot. Can't wait to see her again on Sunday.

I'm glad you had a nice date, DKQ!
Moving on is a story of long lulls and sudden lurches forward. I hope you're able to find continued peace of mind.

<3

 

[Dr_Boris_Goltz]

I haven't taken Viibryd, but Abilify made it very difficult for me to sleep. If you can't sleep for more than an hour at a time then please consult with your prescribing doctor ASAP. Lack of sleep is a big, big deal.

I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow.

What medication are you taking now, if you don't mind me asking?

I actually felt "happy" for the first time in forever on Abilify, but after a couple weeks this exhaustion crept in and now I feel terrible.

 

[redlegs87]

I don't think there's any one set way to sway a psych, redlegs, not to mention the idea, in theory, is that he or she knows better than you or I what is a good idea and therefore it shouldn't be a matter of lobbying your doctor for more pills. That being said, that's obviously not the gist of what you're going through, so here's my approach: if you have issues you feel are not being treated adequately then it's probably a good idea to bring that up regularly at every appointment and ask him / her how he / she intends to help you deal with those issues. Firmly (yet respectfully!) ask questions and try to get answers about what sorts of things can be done to help your situation.

Yeah I know he knows best and I will go with whatever he says. I am just tired of being so scatter brained. I've tried different techniques to be more focused but they haven't worked.

 

[nintendork666]

-

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

What if you just sat down, took a bit of time, and let your emotions hit you? What if you faced them directly and tried to allow them completely? How would they feel and develop?

Oh, they have hit me, hard. There's moments of absolute elation followed immediately by sudden severe sadness. As I have let them take their course, I come to realize the melancholy lingers a bit more, but only if it's preceded by sudden anxiety. (Sidenote: The clonazepam I am taking tends to kill the anxiety and making me calm and rational. The caveat is that it produces a sub level of apathy followed by agitation when it wears off)

It's important to take these things one step at a time. There will always be another step after our next one but if we're so concentrated on that certain future then we may never be totally focused on the realities of the present moment. With something like a behavioral health clinic, worst comes to worst you go for a few times and it's not for you. By then you'll know more than you know now and thus can make a decision about what comes next.

The realities of the present moment, well, suck for me right now. Unemployed, living in an unhealthy environment. They're fixable objectively speaking, but my prospects of getting out of this rut are dire unless I find someone or something to pull me out of it as quick as possible. Nothing screams "PANIC!" like barely getting by and nothing to show for it.

Those are some big fears, FITG, and I can imagine that they're very difficult to contend with. I hope you can take my word for it that none of those are a given and there are many, many options ahead that - again- must be explored just one step at a time. Or one rodeo at a time if things are really tough.

One step at a time is good, but a rainy day rodeo is possible as well.

 

[la flama blanca]

Have you discussed your avoidance of appointments and the such with the person you're seeing? I'm curious what their perspective is / how they handle situations like that.

I have, but I feel like I'm so consumed with myself and analyzing my own problems and dysfunctions that I rarely remember what anyone tells me. I think I hate being happy and am terrified of being successful and now especially since I've given some validation to feeling awful in that I've made some pretty big mistakes in my life in the past year. At least I somewhat contributed to the cycle of hospitalization in that now 4 out of 6 people in my family have at some point been in a mental ward.

 

[A Human Becoming]

That sounds like a tremendously frustrating and hurtful situation, AHB. Were you able to find any common ground in your final day?

We did. It comforted me she said I was mostly right about how she handled it. I admitted I could have handled it better.

That said, the last two nights I've been eyeing my pills in consideration of overdosing. I think the change in my environment while I'm depressed has just overwhelmed me. Tonight it was that I just shared too much. It's not the typical thoughts that I've ruined a relationship, that I'm no good, etc. etc. that have led me to me consider suicide.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

What sorts of things do you feel powerless to improve, RP?

My social/dating life (or lack of), also seemingly 0 career prospects right now as a university graduate. I get rejected from even shitty retail jobs, and it seems nearly impossible to meet people round my own age (18-25's) now. I tried getting out there, but this thing called 'real life' is so discouraging. Hobbies? Tried getting back into taekwondo, but the places I tried were mostly filled with annoying 12 year olds. I might as well play fucking Call of Duty multiplayer in that case. Go to a bar on my own? No such luck, the night ended up being shit and I didn't really meet anyone. Everywhere I go, everything I do, life seems to shit on me. University was depressing enough, but that's basically nothing compared to how depressing real life is. Sometimes I feel abnormal and like the only person who doesn't look back on university with fond memories. One trait I have in common with them, though, is that I wish that I could go back and do it all over again. I wasted 3 years of my life, and I wish I had used them better. My grades aren't even that good, which virtually bars me from almost every graduate recruitment scheme out there.

Only know like 3 people right now, and 2 of them live too far away and the other one is very busy with work these days. Could be worse, I guess, but still, I feel like I should go buy 10 cats and embrace my fate as a lonely crazy cat person at this point.

 

[Rafa=FedKilla]

Anyone else feel a wave of depression on or around their birthday?

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

My social/dating life (or lack of), also seemingly 0 career prospects right now as a university graduate. I get rejected from even shitty retail jobs, and it seems nearly impossible to meet people round my own age (18-25's) now. I tried getting out there, but this thing called 'real life' is so discouraging. Hobbies? Tried getting back into taekwondo, but the places I tried were mostly filled with annoying 12 year olds. I might as well play fucking Call of Duty multiplayer in that case. Go to a bar on my own? No such luck, the night ended up being shit and I didn't really meet anyone. Everywhere I go, everything I do, life seems to shit on me. University was depressing enough, but that's basically nothing compared to how depressing real life is. Sometimes I feel abnormal and like the only person who doesn't look back on university with fond memories. One trait I have in common with them, though, is that I wish that I could go back and do it all over again. I wasted 3 years of my life, and I wish I had used them better. My grades aren't even that good, which virtually bars me from almost every graduate recruitment scheme out there.

Only know like 3 people right now, and 2 of them live too far away and the other one is very busy with work these days. Could be worse, I guess, but still, I feel like I should go buy 10 cats and embrace my fate as a lonely crazy cat person at this point.

I feel like I am in the same predicament/headspace without the university part. I even have severe regrets of going back 5 years and going to school, as weird as that sounds. At least i'd be around people my own age and doing something I was interested in.

Right now, I don't know what to feel. I woke up in a panic about not getting anything done so I just sent off applications and seeing what happens, but I know they probably will not hire me for a myriad of reasons and I am severely stressing about the psychological care i'll be receiving and if it will be adequate enough. Goddamnit, I really didn't want the majority of my posts on the GAF be here, lol.

Anyone else feel a wave of depression on or around their birthday?

Yep, so much yep. In fact, that was the catalyst that triggered my mental breakdown. People put a lof of value into numbers in our society, for better and for worse. For me, My late 20s crisis is the product of me not being motivated to get through my generalized anxiety disorder and persevere.

 

[Tapejara]

The switch to Abilify has really helped out my mood. I've been waking up at a decent hour each day and while I haven't been getting out as often as I like, I'm still in a better place than I was a few weeks ago.

Anyone else feel a wave of depression on or around their birthday?

Yeah. It doesn't bode well for me that my birthday also serves as an anniversary of how long I've been housebound due to my anxiety, so this year (it's been three years) it hit me super hard.

 

[Kimaxe]

Anyone else feel a wave of depression on or around their birthday?

Came in this thread for this. I will spend my 5th birthday alone, I can't bear it any longer. These a truly the worst years I'm going through, and I know it's the epitome of sadness to rely on random people on the internet but I wish some of you will be on GAF saturday so we could chat a little bit. Thanks guys

 

[bronkonagurski]

Please let tomorrow be a better day. Please.

 

[Jeremy]

I'm not sure if anyone in this thread will connect with this but I'm at this impasse where I feel the need to keep up with current events, specifically issues with race and police brutality, but it is destroying me completely. Every time something new comes up I seriously want to take my own life.

It's the same thing every time... I'm on Facebook, or Reddit, or GAF and I see an article and I know that I need to read it because I don't want to ever fall into a passive state. The content of the article raises my anger but the comments and opinion personalities in the news are really just devastating to read. My anger blows up to the point I can't even talk to people, followed shortly by this extremely dark depression where I realize I can't take what's going on in the world and I'm ready to buy a gun and get out of here. I've been to an outdoors store to look at pistols (one of my high school friends was working there and I ended up just leaving out of embarrassment) but there are some days I truly feel pure euphoria and a smile creeps across my face because I feel very comfortable with the idea of committing suicide. I start planning. Eventually it goes away after a day or so but it just comes right back when something new happens. My current living situation isn't helping any and I've been thinking about moving out and living in my car just to get some peace.

Anyway, regardless where you fall on the spectrum of everything that's going on right now, how do you not let it get to your core? My friends are so good about it but can't really explain why it doesn't affect them so much, yet they feel just as strongly as I do about everything. I've always had anger issues that lead to me spiraling out of control but it's just getting worse by the week and I really am just looking for some guidance. It's taken me a while to even decide to post this because I know it comes off as petty compared to what the people I want to fight for go through every day.

Also, I'm currently taking Lamictal for bipolar-II. Don't know if that's really necessary to tell and maybe I need to add an anti-depressant to that to try to become more stable.

 

[Team Alucard]

I have no motivation anymore.

Even eating is too much of an effort for me.

I just want to sleep and never wake up.

 

[Labrys]

tomorrow is my fathers birthday

i can't even get work off to go visit his grave

lately i've been feeling like i should join him

 

[Rafa=FedKilla]

Came in this thread for this. I will spend my 5th birthday alone, I can't bear it any longer. These a truly the worst years I'm going through, and I know it's the epitome of sadness to rely on random people on the internet but I wish some of you will be on GAF saturday so we could chat a little bit. Thanks guys

The 28th was your birthday too?

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

I'm not sure if anyone in this thread will connect with this but I'm at this impasse where I feel the need to keep up with current events, specifically issues with race and police brutality, but it is destroying me completely. Every time something new comes up I seriously want to take my own life.

It's the same thing every time... I'm on Facebook, or Reddit, or GAF and I see an article and I know that I need to read it because I don't want to ever fall into a passive state. The content of the article raises my anger but the comments and opinion personalities in the news are really just devastating to read. My anger blows up to the point I can't even talk to people, followed shortly by this extremely dark depression where I realize I can't take what's going on in the world and I'm ready to buy a gun and get out of here. I've been to an outdoors store to look at pistols (one of my high school friends was working there and I ended up just leaving out of embarrassment) but there are some days I truly feel pure euphoria and a smile creeps across my face because I feel very comfortable with the idea of committing suicide. I start planning. Eventually it goes away after a day or so but it just comes right back when something new happens. My current living situation isn't helping any and I've been thinking about moving out and living in my car just to get some peace.

Anyway, regardless where you fall on the spectrum of everything that's going on right now, how do you not let it get to your core? My friends are so good about it but can't really explain why it doesn't affect them so much, yet they feel just as strongly as I do about everything. I've always had anger issues that lead to me spiraling out of control but it's just getting worse by the week and I really am just looking for some guidance. It's taken me a while to even decide to post this because I know it comes off as petty compared to what the people I want to fight for go through every day.

Also, I'm currently taking Lamictal for bipolar-II. Don't know if that's really necessary to tell and maybe I need to add an anti-depressant to that to try to become more stable.

First of all. Read this Guardian Article from the Guardian - "News is bad for you - and giving up on it will make you happier" ( http://www.theguardian.com/media/2013/apr/12/news-is-bad-rolf-dobelli )


Secondly, you need some perspective.


1) This is the most peaceful and prosperous time to be alive in history. It might not continue to be this way, but you have to counter-weigh all the problems with all the problems of the past.

2) Life itself is suffering. The first of the Buddhas nobles truths. We are born into this world screaming and we will exit it alone. The world is cold, dark and full of pains. Life is inherently unfair and nobody is entitled to anything. National borders and power struggles that stretch many hundreds of years, impact your "privilege" in contrast to where you are born, and how your upraising have been.
People grow up with diseases, people have unfortunate accidents, people are raised by terrible parents, people get bullied, people are poor, people kill other people on accident, people get addicted. There are countless ways that life will throw a wrench into peoples lives, and what you have to take away from all of this is that this is what life is.
Life is pain, but despite the loss and sadness and disappointment, there are also good. And you choose to carry on despite the imperfection. It should be a equal fair society but that will never happen, because people gonna people. You fight with what you got, you are happy for what you have, and you try to take a longer picture.
Life is not perfect but that is no reason not to be appreciative of the good things.

3) You can choose on what you want to focus on. Seemingly small deeds can go major ways to help people. Many people need a hug. Many people hates themselves beyond your wildest dreams. Most people live to just be de-sensitized by entertainment and substances when they are not slaving a way. That is called living a pleasurable life. A life lived of pleasure and going after high-mark rewards proped by society.
You sound like you have a lot of empathy, and sometimes people with a lot of empathy are so overwhelmed emotionally that they have difficulty expressing themselves. What you need is to put it to good use.

You might be born to help others, and it makes sense because it's the important thing you can do. Nobody gives a shit about you sitting away in a office. That's for you. If these upsets actually are your primer for having to do good and being a philanthropist, then I suggest you follow this calling.
Life is fragile, unsafe and unstable, and it's not perfect. Nobody ever said it had to be. You're on a fucking rock flying 900 mph through space. Context motherfucker. Context. This is inconceivable how little we understand. Stand back and be in awe. You are being ruined from within by your expectations. Expectations become suffering when your expectations are not met. It doesn't matter if you expect people to treat each other decently or rain tomorrow. They are not going to be met. Its out of your control. You cannot control rain, so why get upset when it rains? why get upset over the other stuff? It's out of your grasp. Put your resources and energy on things you can change.

There is never going to be a utopia. getting angry at things you can't change is a waste of everybodys time. its better for you to do small deeds that help. be nice to people, be a boon to society within the circle you can control.

I've lived for many years among left wing radicals who like you- had the best intentions, but at the end of the day, were miserable as their hissyfits over the world not being perfect kept them from living a life of appreciation. Don't be that guy who takes it for granted or can't focus on the positive. You can work for change and be positive. don't by the extremism or play into your emotions going wild. Everything is amazing and nboody is happy. It's as good as it is.

 

[Northeastmonk]

tomorrow is my fathers birthday

i can't even get work off to go visit his grave

lately i've been feeling like i should join him

I've felt like this before. My dad's ashes sit in a bucket at my sister's. It's weird with him being gone. It's been 8 years now. I think about how life has changed since then. I keep trying to make sense of a few things, but I know life is moving onward.

I feel like I had a hold of the last 9 years in some way and now they're changing relatively fast. Sometimes I feel like I'll be alone for the rest of my life. It's very mean to think, "once the good people in the family die then I'll have nothing left".

I just got an internship and it's something to be truly excited about. I'm about to graduate and it makes me down about life. There's days I can't think straight and I get discouraged about being 30 now. I'm not married either nor do I have kids. I enjoy the things I do for entertainment, but we all know that's not everything about life. I had moments of losing energy even though I started exercising. I went from leaving nursing school to now IT and computers. It's wonderful, but it hasn't synced yet.

I fear the good people in my life leaving and being judged for being who I am. I want to move away to another state, but I fear I'd lose the family I do have and everything else. I use to be on antidepressants as a teen, but I got off them because I didn't need them. My folks don't think I need them at all.

 

[jb1234]

just real quick, thing is, you don't need to read anything on Reddit, Facebook or GAF, etc. Not reading these articles, not reading the responses, not ruminating on them, doesn't equate to being passive. It can make us more anxious/sad/bummed out. There are plenty of ways to keep up with current events more manageably. You might respond well to some time away from those sites, or the computer/internet entirely. Continue to talk to your friends and certainly to your doctor/specialist about this stuff - your thoughts, the medication questions (as it seems you already have been). And be open - these are some worrying thoughts you're having. When you're well enough you might want to, or be able to, channel some of this anger/frustration more positively, and put some energy toward it (whatever and wherever that might mean - politically, in the community, etc, for instance). Take care you're absolutely not alone in feeling these things!

And in fact, I offer a counter site to all of the depressing shit that the media loves to focus on.

http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/

 

[Kimaxe]

The 28th was your birthday too?

No it's the 31st, I suppose it's too late but happy birthday man, may this year be better for you !

 

[Shadybiz]

Shadybiz,
First of all, your situation is unique and it matters. Period. I am struck most by how it seems that the difficulties you're facing have been magnified by some catastrophic thinking - things like trouble with social relationships or a career translating to "I am a failure and I suck completely". Surely life isn't that black and white, no?

I'm sorry to hear that you lost a psychologist whom you trusted. Have you looked for any new set-ups since? Medication may or may not help, but if seeing a psychologist helped in the past then surely it would help again.

Thank you for the response. Things have been better in the past couple of days, but only marginally. I took a sick day today in order to get some stuff done...mainly applying to new jobs.

I was talking about it with my wife last night. I reinforced that I've always been this way, but that she makes it better. I was actually a mess before I was with her, so she has kept me more or less on an even keel for the past 11 years or so.

My two MAJOR dips in mood have been in the past year, which is of course the timeframe that I've been at this job. This most recent downturn occurred during the past week. I told her it's a lot like if someone sees that you're up to your neck in a hole, and they say "Oh, you're in a hole, that's too bad...here, here's some dirt, asshole." That's a lot like how I felt during my week in FL..no one really to talk to, spending my free time alone in my hotel room, being shunned by people who I thought wanted to hang out, etc.

I did ask my physician about therapists that he would recommend. His only recommendation was a doc who doesn't take my insurance, and who otherwise costs about $160 per session. I do sort of okay as far as money, but certainly not THAT okay. I think I do have to find someone, though...would be nice if I could find someone similar in style to my former guy.

Monday, when I wrote this, was a seriously bad day. For a time, I looked at the computer screen at the list of jobs I could apply to..and just cried, because I don't think I'm good enough for them. I'll try again today; I'm feeling somewhat better...goal is to apply to 2 jobs that seem within my capabilities. It's gonna be rough.

 

[MisterLuffy]

I don't belong in the computer science field. I'm not doing so great in two classes I'm taking. Especially the one where I'm in groups working on a recipe app. Today sucks because we were talking about the project and whenever they tell me what I need to do I start to blank out and not forget what they're saying. Either I'm forgetful person or I'm a bad listener. Even though I do listen, at the same time I'm not. Now I feel like I'm not doing a great job, I'm only there to frustrate my group members. Tbh, everything I've done to get this far into this level was the fact that I need to cheat to get where I'm at. It's like hand holding, I need someone to guide me to my destination where I couldn't guide myself since I get lost easily. That's how my life and school are. I can't help myself in any situation I'm in. Even my instructor said that if you don't love programming, then you're in the wrong field. I agree with him, I show no interest nor passion in programming. I wish, but I don't which sucks since it's a good major. Sucks to be one of the people who don't put any effort in trying to understand the language like Java, C, C++, etc. I feel like jumping off the ship, this isn't for me at all.

 

[neojubei]

I've always wonder what's the point of living a life you don't want and never wanted? Life is hard, unfair and evil; least in death everyone is equal.