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[zeemumu]

I started typing a response to someone about how I would always use sarcasm to show my friends' how ridiculous some of their insecurities are and make them feel better about themselves, then decided against it and started typing a thread about how doubt affects my ability to be a capable individual because of a side effect of growing up being constantly put on blast by my parents for any minor mistake, then realized how ridiculous their use of attaching the worst case scenario to everything was (like how leaving my shoes by the door might somehow lead to me being unable to get a job later in life) and that I really shouldn't treat the world this way because I'm being ridiculous and am a far more capable individual than they give me credit for because they assume that if they didn't teach me a useful talent then I don't know it. I'm 21. They shouldn't express surprise at the fact that I can make pasta just because they weren't the ones to teach me how.

I've had a back problem for the last few years along with anxiety. its had an impact on my social life i.e none. I don't have any friends or anyone to talk to about my situation. i am 26 and i have never had a best friend. it's shitty, and although i am starting to feel slightly better physically (steroid shots), i don't even know where to begin right now, like how do i start having a normal social life? help?

I meet most people through situations where I am forced into a confined space with other people for an extended period of time, like work, or college classes. Wasn't that hard to fall back on a conversation topic of "work sucks" or "how do you do this problem?" If neither of those apply to you, you can always take up a hobby that would place you in that situation.

 

[Diseased Yak]

Anyone else feel a wave of depression on or around their birthday?

Yeah, going through that now in fact. I turn 41 on Nov. 11th, and the last 2 years have seen my life just spiral further and further down the shitter instead of improving.

My self-loathing knows no bounds.

I wondered today why those suicide booths in Futurama don't exist, because if they did I'd go use one right now. I hate the thought of offing myself and leaving a body or a bloody mess for someone in my family to find or have to identify.

 

[Piano]

I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow.

What medication are you taking now, if you don't mind me asking?

I actually felt "happy" for the first time in forever on Abilify, but after a couple weeks this exhaustion crept in and now I feel terrible.

My problems mainly stem from massive amounts of anxiety, so I'm on a trio of anixolytics: Low dose of LexaPro for anti-panic, Buspirone for daily anxiety maintenance and a very low dose of Klonopin in the evenings for night time troubles.

I hope seeing your doctor was helpful!

Yeah I know he knows best and I will go with whatever he says. I am just tired of being so scatter brained. I've tried different techniques to be more focused but they haven't worked.

What sorts of techniques have you tried? In my experience I've found things like patience and focus to be sort of like muscles that have to be strengthened rather than just a matter of will power or executive function.

Oh, they have hit me, hard. There's moments of absolute elation followed immediately by sudden severe sadness. As I have let them take their course, I come to realize the melancholy lingers a bit more, but only if it's preceded by sudden anxiety. (Sidenote: The clonazepam I am taking tends to kill the anxiety and making me calm and rational. The caveat is that it produces a sub level of apathy followed by agitation when it wears off)

It sounds like you've already learned a few bits about your emotions, FITG, and that's very encouraging to hear. It's like piecing together a mystery but we're the only ones that have access to our own evidence.

And yeah, benzos can produce apathy or even sadness. At high doses clonazepam puts me in a daaaark dark dark dark sad sad sad place.

The realities of the present moment, well, suck for me right now. Unemployed, living in an unhealthy environment. They're fixable objectively speaking, but my prospects of getting out of this rut are dire unless I find someone or something to pull me out of it as quick as possible. Nothing screams "PANIC!" like barely getting by and nothing to show for it.

Well, I don't know the specifics if your situation so I can't comment definitively on it, but think about it this way: the more your subjective life improves (emotions and the such), the more it'll give you the peace and power to make changes in your objective life. And the more your objective life improves the more resources you'll have to dedicate toward improving your subjective life. The two probably need to move upward slowly in tandem; climb up one step with the left foot, then one foot with the right and so on. My point is what seems impossible for now may not seem impossible forever. We've got to just move bit by bit.

I have, but I feel like I'm so consumed with myself and analyzing my own problems and dysfunctions that I rarely remember what anyone tells me. I think I hate being happy and am terrified of being successful and now especially since I've given some validation to feeling awful in that I've made some pretty big mistakes in my life in the past year. At least I somewhat contributed to the cycle of hospitalization in that now 4 out of 6 people in my family have at some point been in a mental ward.

Why do you figure you hate being happy or are afraid of being successful?

We did. It comforted me she said I was mostly right about how she handled it. I admitted I could have handled it better.

That said, the last two nights I've been eyeing my pills in consideration of overdosing. I think the change in my environment while I'm depressed has just overwhelmed me. Tonight it was that I just shared too much. It's not the typical thoughts that I've ruined a relationship, that I'm no good, etc. etc. that have led me to me consider suicide.

I'm glad things smoothed over a bit, AHB. I think it's interesting, though, that when it looked like things with your friend were falling apart, you were suffering over it, and yet now that it seems things smoothed over, you're suffering over it. I have a terrible habit of setting up those sorts of no-win scenarios in my mind without even realizing, finding ways to warp any situation into a huge loss or an occasion for great suffering. It's not really something that I can consciously control.

Some things to consider (here or elsewhere):
Overwhelmed how? What does it feel like? Why are you eyeing your pills at this point?

I hope you're able to find some relief.

My social/dating life (or lack of), also seemingly 0 career prospects right now as a university graduate. I get rejected from even shitty retail jobs, and it seems nearly impossible to meet people round my own age (18-25's) now. I tried getting out there, but this thing called 'real life' is so discouraging. Hobbies? Tried getting back into taekwondo, but the places I tried were mostly filled with annoying 12 year olds. I might as well play fucking Call of Duty multiplayer in that case. Go to a bar on my own? No such luck, the night ended up being shit and I didn't really meet anyone. Everywhere I go, everything I do, life seems to shit on me. University was depressing enough, but that's basically nothing compared to how depressing real life is. Sometimes I feel abnormal and like the only person who doesn't look back on university with fond memories. One trait I have in common with them, though, is that I wish that I could go back and do it all over again. I wasted 3 years of my life, and I wish I had used them better. My grades aren't even that good, which virtually bars me from almost every graduate recruitment scheme out there.

Only know like 3 people right now, and 2 of them live too far away and the other one is very busy with work these days. Could be worse, I guess, but still, I feel like I should go buy 10 cats and embrace my fate as a lonely crazy cat person at this point.

I know you're not going to believe me, Royal_Phalanx, but those things are all, absolutely, definitely changeable, even if they can't change immediately or you've had trouble changing them so far. Just a sampling of thoughts: Post college is a weird time and is when I had the most difficulty finding friends but it is possible. I respect that you went to a bar alone in the first place; I never had the guts to do that. Other martial arts may beget a different crowd; I know someone who made a lot of good friends through a smaller Brazilian Jiu Jitsu studio. Taekwondo tends to attract more kids. Finding jobs is an eternal struggle, but generally, and especially with a college degree, there are possibilities out there, even if you need to wait a while for some of them to open up. Just because retail establishments have turned you down doesn't mean you're objectively not worthy of the bottom of the career ladder. Sometimes it just works out that way. I've been rejected by tons of retail establishments, and sometimes for the dumbest reasons. Like, I applied to work at all four major cellular carriers here in the US and got rejected by the pre-screening test for all four. Like, spend an hour taking a test on my decisions in a retail environment, get automated email 5 minutes later telling me "no thank you".

There is no secret that I found to any of it (friends, jobs, etc). It just takes persistence, and hopefully taking one small step in one arena can give you a small bit of confidence you can into the other things you're trying to build upon. It's also useful to keep trying different approaches to things. Surely Taekwondo and video games aren't the only hobbies you may enjoy - there are limitless pursuits out there that we can join in on, everything from biking to bird-watching to beer brewing and beyond.

I'm sorry if that sounds reductive, RP, I really don't mean it to, and I am in no way claiming that you are not suffering a tremendous or unreasonable amount, or that it's easy, or that it's simple, or any of that. I just want you to feel like though what you've tried so far hasn't turned out as you expected, there are always more things to try, if we can only find the fuel to do so. I hope this was at least somewhat helpful; if not, I apologize for wasting your time.

Please let tomorrow be a better day. Please.

I hope you were able to have a better day, bronkonagurski. There are many more tomorrows.

Anyway, regardless where you fall on the spectrum of everything that's going on right now, how do you not let it get to your core? My friends are so good about it but can't really explain why it doesn't affect them so much, yet they feel just as strongly as I do about everything. I've always had anger issues that lead to me spiraling out of control but it's just getting worse by the week and I really am just looking for some guidance. It's taken me a while to even decide to post this because I know it comes off as petty compared to what the people I want to fight for go through every day.

Also, I'm currently taking Lamictal for bipolar-II. Don't know if that's really necessary to tell and maybe I need to add an anti-depressant to that to try to become more stable.

In 2010-2011 as my anxiety was getting much, much worse I started to get more and more personally invested in congressional politics. I followed representatives, picketed and protested various things, watched hearings and generally started taking sides on almost every political matter. And beyond just taking sides I started to really care, I mean a LOT. I wanted my causes to win. When they didn't, I was anxious and sad and upset and I eventually got so frustrated that I had illusions that "were I only in office, I could do so much better, I could do x y z" and so on.

For me, the solution was to disconnect completely for a while. I mean almost totally. Something changed, and I started getting treatment for my anxiety, and I realized it was idiotic of me to sacrifice my happiness and peace of mind over things happening far away when my own life, right in front of me, was a mess. I felt that my priorities were out of order. So I cut it all off. I stopped having the news as my homepage, I stopped watching cable news, I stopped using Facebook as much (and later on deactivated it for two long periods of 6 months and 1.5 years) and generally did whatever I could to be here now. I mean, we're almost never here now. There's so much going on every moment of our lives and I wasn't paying any attention and I wasn't dealing with my own issues because I was so invested in other matters. It wasn't healthy for me.

Naturally, I couldn't stay that disconnected for long, but after a period of taking it easy on my engagement with mass media and social media I was able to learn a lot about what I need, what I can tolerate, and how these things can be a more comfortable part of my life. I still have to limit myself in certain ways; I deleted all social media except for my Facebook, which has only been active maybe half of the time for the last three years. I have to consciously remind myself that taking sides and setting expectations for things like congressional politics or sports only sets me up for disappointment; other than voting actual civic engagement what I want does not affect what the outcome is.

RE: Lamictal. I don't think it's as simple as "you are unstable, take this medication and this won't matter as much to you" but it's worth examining what the root emotions at play are. For me, it was anxiety, and a lot of anger. I was angry the country is the way it is. I was angry people were doing fucked up stuff in Washington that was against my interests. Because I was anxious. I was anxious things wouldn't be okay in the future, and this that and the other, meanwhile I wasn't dealing with the reasons my present moment life wasn't okay.

Hope this was somewhat helpful.

Also, I think I remember the moment I peaked in being invested in the news. It was (somewhat disturbing)

Spoiler

when Moammar Gadaffi died and I, for some reason, watched the videos of his death - him being dragged around by rebels and executed. I don't know why I did, and they really, really rattled me - I mean, I was watching videos of a dead body being desecrated. It really, really unsettled me, I got scared and sad, and felt all these weird existential feelings. And I realized, why did I need to be watching that? Why did I need to be feeling that? What good was it doing me? Of course, we need to stay connected to some degree with the world, but not to the point where I need to be getting emotionally out of whack over dark, dark videos of a disgraced dictator's death. Blech, still gives me chills thinking about it.

I have no motivation anymore.

Even eating is too much of an effort for me.

I just want to sleep and never wake up.

I'm sorry things are so tough, Alucard. Do you have any read on why your motivation has evaporated?

tomorrow is my fathers birthday

i can't even get work off to go visit his grave

lately i've been feeling like i should join him

If you're thinking of hurting yourself, Labrys, please, please call a crisis counseling line (1 (800) 273-8255), seek emergency treatment, or both.

If you're comfortable sharing, we're here to listen. What's got you down?

Thank you for the response. Things have been better in the past couple of days, but only marginally. I took a sick day today in order to get some stuff done...mainly applying to new jobs.

I was talking about it with my wife last night. I reinforced that I've always been this way, but that she makes it better. I was actually a mess before I was with her, so she has kept me more or less on an even keel for the past 11 years or so.

My two MAJOR dips in mood have been in the past year, which is of course the timeframe that I've been at this job. This most recent downturn occurred during the past week. I told her it's a lot like if someone sees that you're up to your neck in a hole, and they say "Oh, you're in a hole, that's too bad...here, here's some dirt, asshole." That's a lot like how I felt during my week in FL..no one really to talk to, spending my free time alone in my hotel room, being shunned by people who I thought wanted to hang out, etc.

I did ask my physician about therapists that he would recommend. His only recommendation was a doc who doesn't take my insurance, and who otherwise costs about $160 per session. I do sort of okay as far as money, but certainly not THAT okay. I think I do have to find someone, though...would be nice if I could find someone similar in style to my former guy.

Monday, when I wrote this, was a seriously bad day. For a time, I looked at the computer screen at the list of jobs I could apply to..and just cried, because I don't think I'm good enough for them. I'll try again today; I'm feeling somewhat better...goal is to apply to 2 jobs that seem within my capabilities. It's gonna be rough.

Well, there aren't a whole lot of descriptors of style for therapists - other than the methods they use (CBT, DBT, etc) - so finding someone whom you connect with in a similar or comparable way is just gonna be a matter of giving people chances. I agree that $160 is an unreasonable per-session cost for a therapist out of pocket. There's a possibility that even though he's out of network you could file with your insurance and they will reimburse you part of the way. Alternatively, I'd recommend going to your insurer's website or calling them up and they should be able to provide you with a list (or sometimes even a searchable map or database) of covered providers in your area.

It sounds as though your recent trouble is centered around the judgments of others, or feeling like others are hurtful or not trustworthy. Perhaps that's why your wife makes it better - she is, theoretically, someone who approves of you and supports you through thick and thin. It may be worth thinking about your impressions of other people, and why they are the way they are.

I don't belong in the computer science field. I'm not doing so great in two classes I'm taking. Especially the one where I'm in groups working on a recipe app. Today sucks because we were talking about the project and whenever they tell me what I need to do I start to blank out and not forget what they're saying. Either I'm forgetful person or I'm a bad listener. Even though I do listen, at the same time I'm not. Now I feel like I'm not doing a great job, I'm only there to frustrate my group members. Tbh, everything I've done to get this far into this level was the fact that I need to cheat to get where I'm at. It's like hand holding, I need someone to guide me to my destination where I couldn't guide myself since I get lost easily. That's how my life and school are. I can't help myself in any situation I'm in. Even my instructor said that if you don't love programming, then you're in the wrong field. I agree with him, I show no interest nor passion in programming. I wish, but I don't which sucks since it's a good major. Sucks to be one of the people who don't put any effort in trying to understand the language like Java, C, C++, etc. I feel like jumping off the ship, this isn't for me at all.

Do you have an adviser you can talk to, MisterLuffy? I find in these sorts of situations of great doubt it helps me to find someone who's more knowledgeable about the degree and/or career field to give me some perspective. It doesn't even have to be an adviser - could be an older student, or a teacher, or a graduate, or a graduate student! It sounds as though it could be tremendously helpful to hear what others thoughts are on the program and the career potential.

Ultimately, it's your decision, and just know that there are many other paths down which you can take the skills you're developing.

I've always wonder what's the point of living a life you don't want and never wanted? Life is hard, unfair and evil; least in death everyone is equal.

I'm sorry you're suffering, neojubei. One of our powers as conscious beings, it seems, is the ability to change the course of our existence in a purposeful way, in pursuit of a larger goal beyond just our base instinct of survival. I agree with you that life is difficult and unfair. It's chaos. Yet we have an impressive ability to make order in that chaos. It amazes me that humanity has created all that is has, really.

I went on in great length previously about the nature of suffering and our agency to alleviate it in one of my prior responses to your posts: check it out here if you haven't read it. There's also an earlier post linked in that post. Are those of any help to you?

Again, I hope you can remember that the only unchanging reality of life is its impermanence, and there are many adjustments we can make to that reality. I hope you are able to find some solace amidst the chaos.

I've had a back problem for the last few years along with anxiety. its had an impact on my social life i.e none. I don't have any friends or anyone to talk to about my situation. i am 26 and i have never had a best friend. it's shitty, and although i am starting to feel slightly better physically (steroid shots), i don't even know where to begin right now, like how do i start having a normal social life? help?

Well, the best place to start would be to be interact with other people, possibly even the same people on some sort of regular basis. Do you have any social outlets or contact currently? How does your anxiety manifest?

Yeah, going through that now in fact. I turn 41 on Nov. 11th, and the last 2 years have seen my life just spiral further and further down the shitter instead of improving.

My self-loathing knows no bounds.

I wondered today why those suicide booths in Futurama don't exist, because if they did I'd go use one right now. I hate the thought of offing myself and leaving a body or a bloody mess for someone in my family to find or have to identify.

I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering, DY. What's been spiraling downwards? Have you pursued any mental health treatment?

<3

 

[Napalm_Frank]

Typical friday night wasted on internet where I end up watching 4chan webms of people getting beheaded and burned alive in hopes of even smallest sign of emotional reaction. Not happening today I guess. I really need to get my ass to a doctor one of these days.

 

[redlegs87]

What sorts of techniques have you tried? In my experience I've found things like patience and focus to be sort of like muscles that have to be strengthened rather than just a matter of will power or executive function.

I've tried the whole 5 more thing when I feel my mind wandering or just giving up on something so like I say to myself 5 more pages or 5 more minutes of whatever I am doing. I've been trying meditation but my mind just wander and I can never do it right. I've written down plans and it somewhat worked but I eventually lost focus doing that as well. I try my hardest to stay on task my brain seems like it doesn't want me to.

 

[pocketaces]

.

 

[Team Alucard]

I'm sorry things are so tough, Alucard. Do you have any read on why your motivation has evaporated?

I haven't felt any real sustained happiness in so long that its difficult for me to justify putting effort into anything anymore. Only time I'm not miserable is when I'm asleep. The only reason I'm still here is for the sake of other people, I really don't want to live anymore.

There are also other things I've suppressed for far too long, but I'm not really comfortable talking about it.

 

[MonorailCat]

Anyone else feel a wave of depression on or around their birthday?

yup.
Just turned 32.
No job, no girlfriend and almost zero friends left.
Only thing that keeps me going at the moment is alcohol, and that obviously can't go on forever.

 

[CrocMother]

Does anyone have advice on how to find a mental health professional to talk to, starting from nothing? I've got a list of people covered by my insurance but don't know how to pick one. Mental health counselors, social workers, psychiatrists, I don't know which is right.

 

[Piano]

Typical friday night wasted on internet where I end up watching 4chan webms of people getting beheaded and burned alive in hopes of even smallest sign of emotional reaction. Not happening today I guess. I really need to get my ass to a doctor one of these days.

I really encourage you to seek treatment, NF. If you want more info on therapists / psychiatrists, check out the link near the bottom of my post.

I've tried the whole 5 more thing when I feel my mind wandering or just giving up on something so like I say to myself 5 more pages or 5 more minutes of whatever I am doing. I've been trying meditation but my mind just wander and I can never do it right. I've written down plans and it somewhat worked but I eventually lost focus doing that as well. I try my hardest to stay on task my brain seems like it doesn't want me to.

Well, that's the beauty of meditation - it's about the process, not the result. Meditating doesn't mean "sitting still with wonderful focus". Meditation is the process of trying to achieve that result. Think of it like exercise: "exercise" doesn't mean "having big muscles." Exercise is the process you employ in order to try to achieve the state of being in shape, and the point is, even if you don't end up with big muscles almost any exercise process at all is good for you and is progress. Meditation is the same deal: it's a net positive because the more you try to get to a state of focus or relaxation or concentration or whatnot and the more you struggle, the more you learn about why and how you struggle, and the more you slowly flex the muscles that guide your effort to do so.

I would encourage you to see if you can allow yourself more flexibility in what you consider "success" in meditating. The way I've always thought about meditating is: at best, I achieve enlightenment. At worst, I'll be marginally more relaxed. I guess I might as well give it a shot, right?

Also try guided meditations if you haven't already! I go through periods where I simply can't meditate solo and the best I can do is put on a recording and spend maybe 10 seconds of every minute engaged. But again, in trying to stay engaged for just those 10 seconds I am marginally strengthening my "muscles" of focus and engagement.

I can't really think of any other hobbies or interests or anything that i would be good at, i guess I'm just boring. Maybe when i get a job things will change, I've also been looking at volunteering for a local charity just so i have something to do at least.

Hobbies come and go, they change constantly, and a hobby is not something that we are born with, it is something we discover! Just because you have not discovered this or that hobby yet does not make you boring. There are many, many, many non-sports, non-strenuous hobbies out there that you could try a couple of times, and I'm sure something or another will stick. Like, I would have never guessed I'd enjoy listening to jazz if I hadn't just tried at some point on a whim. I used to think I thought jazz was boring; I was wrong.

Also, volunteering for a charity is a great idea!

I haven't felt any real sustained happiness in so long that its difficult for me to justify putting effort into anything anymore. Only time I'm not miserable is when I'm asleep. The only reason I'm still here is for the sake of other people, I really don't want to live anymore.

There are also other things I've suppressed for far too long, but I'm not really comfortable talking about it.

Alucard, did you ever explore if your college provides any sort of mental health services? Your issues with happiness (or lack thereof) are, in my mind, very treatable and absolutely worth exploring, but they may require more skillful guidance than anyone here on GAF can provide. Ultimately, I am completely confident that you are capable of feeling happiness; it's just a matter of figuring out how to get there.

Also, two questions to consider: what makes happiness "real"? And should we hope for sustained happiness or sustained contentment?

yup.
Just turned 32.
No job, no girlfriend and almost zero friends left.
Only thing that keeps me going at the moment is alcohol, and that obviously can't go on forever.

Have you ever sought any mental health treatment, MC?

Does anyone have advice on how to find a mental health professional to talk to, starting from nothing? I've got a list of people covered by my insurance but don't know how to pick one. Mental health counselors, social workers, psychiatrists, I don't know which is right.

So those different titles refer to different sorts of qualifications.

A Psychiatrist is a medical doctor who is authorized to prescribe medication. Sometimes these doctors also provide talk therapy, but these days mostly they stick to just medicine.

The rest of the qualifications you'll see (PhD, PsyD, LCSW, etc) offer talk therapy of some sort, though the type of treatment they offer (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, Psychotherapy, etc) will vary. My understanding is that PhD means they got a doctorate in Psychology through the traditional University route, with a strong focus on research, PsyD is an alternate degree path developed a few decades ago with a stronger focus on treatment, and LCSW is another path that goes via social work instead of psychology.

What matters most, though, is that you find someone that is compatible with you and that you feel comfortable with.

"How do I do that?"

So glad you asked! I did a lengthy post about it a while back, which you can read here. Ultimately selecting a therapist / psychiatrist is going to be a bit arbitrary; you can google around for info but just because someone else had a good / bad experience doesn't mean you'll be compatible with that provider. I suggest you figure out, as much as possible, what you think you need, then start calling (at random) a lot of people to see if they offer that. Of those a certain number will be taking new patients, so you can see them, and then that will give you an even better idea of what you like / don't like or need / don't need.

I hope that post is helpful. Let me know if you have any other questions, CM!

<3

 

[The One Who Knocks]

I find it interesting that you don't think you can trust any therapist, TOWK. Why has it shaped up that way, if you care to share?

I had a very bad experience in school years ago where I went to see a school therapist. I confessed that I'd tried to kill myself a few years prior, and we continued to talk. I found it very little help and told him I didn't want to continue. He said he thought I had Asperger's Syndrome, and he felt it would be a good idea to contact my parents, but I told him I didn't want that and that it didn't matter to me, I wasn't finding it helpful to continue. He then concluded by telling me that he didn't believe I would tell him if I was suicidal (which was correct, but I wasn't suicidal at all), and proceeded to contact my parents, tell them everything I told him, and refer me to psychiatrist in a hospital who then began the screening procedure for Asperger's Syndrome.

During the diagnostic procedure, I also did the Beck Youth Inventories. My results were "Beck Self Concept Inventory: Lower than Average", "Beck Anxiety Inventory: Moderately Elevated" (this should have been higher, as I did lie when I told the examiner that I didn't occasionally believe I was being monitored by cameras/recording device in my home; which I know sounds crazy and was completely delusional, but there were times when I did feel it despite knowing it was insane and paranoid), "Beck Depression Inventory: Moderately Elevated", "Beck Anger Inventory: Extremely Elevated", and "Beck Disruptive Behaviour Inventory: Moderately Elevated", so I know I'm more prone to distrustful thoughts anyway. The previous poor experience, combined with a more naturally distrustful nature, combined with my extremely poor parental experience, have probably been the factors that have combined to lead me to view mental health services in an extremely negative and highly distrustful light.

 

[CrocMother]

Wow, thanks.

 

[Metalingus5150]

I need some advice or just an ear really. So recently, my friend has been going through a depression. She used to get depressed quite a bit but it would never last that long. However this latest one she basically withdrew herself from all socializing and ignored everyone who tried to get into contact with her. It's been like 2 months since I've last seen her in person. I talked to her briefly a couple of weeks ago and she said she was getting help with her depression but still doesn't feel like socializing. I know that eventually we're gonna see each other. The thing is that during this time, I progressively felt more distant from her and to be honest I don't feel as close to her as I did before. Should I let her know this? I know I'm probably terrible for even feeling this way.

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

I'm glad you had a nice date, DKQ!
Moving on is a story of long lulls and sudden lurches forward. I hope you're able to find continued peace of mind.

I finally had the very difficult, but necessary phone talk with the ex. It was insanely hard to tell her that I don't want continue things with her and that I had a date with a new girl.

She screamed at me multiple times because I had the date on our anniversary, cried because she felt "it" again between us when we last saw each other, or insulted the new girl in every possible way. Unbelievable that she actually tried to depict me as the bad guy in this mess after everything she has done to me in the last couple of months.

But in other news, this new girl is just wow. I don't know how she does it, but I never ever had a crush this hard after just one date. We basically spend our days texting each other nonstop. I can't wait for her to see her again on Sunday and I am really excited with how things will develop between us.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

It sounds like you've already learned a few bits about your emotions, FITG, and that's very encouraging to hear. It's like piecing together a mystery but we're the only ones that have access to our own evidence.

And yeah, benzos can produce apathy or even sadness. At high doses clonazepam puts me in a daaaark dark dark dark sad sad sad place.

I am on a low dose but I have an extreme low tolerance for just about anything. Works for the anxiety, is absolute SHIT with the depressive mood that follows.

Well, I don't know the specifics if your situation so I can't comment definitively on it, but think about it this way: the more your subjective life improves (emotions and the such), the more it'll give you the peace and power to make changes in your objective life. And the more your objective life improves the more resources you'll have to dedicate toward improving your subjective life. The two probably need to move upward slowly in tandem; climb up one step with the left foot, then one foot with the right and so on. My point is what seems impossible for now may not seem impossible forever. We've got to just move bit by bit.

I called this "momentum" some years back when I was seeing a decent psychologist. Everything, in terms of perspective, seems easier when you have built a solid foundation of something. I apply this thinking with my creative endeavors. Doesn't change the fact it's a pain in the bitch to get something, ANYTHING, started.

 

[MisterLuffy]

Do you have an adviser you can talk to, MisterLuffy? I find in these sorts of situations of great doubt it helps me to find someone who's more knowledgeable about the degree and/or career field to give me some perspective. It doesn't even have to be an adviser - could be an older student, or a teacher, or a graduate, or a graduate student! It sounds as though it could be tremendously helpful to hear what others thoughts are on the program and the career potential.

Ultimately, it's your decision, and just know that there are many other paths down which you can take the skills you're developing.

Not really. I spoke with my instructor about my issues with being a dead weight to my team members and how I didn't like coding that much. I even told him what I expected him to say which I was right. Why am I majoring computer science where I show no signs of passion? I feel like other people will say why I'm majoring computer science in the first place if I don't like programming? My instructor said in class that if you're not interested in programming or not putting the effort in coding, then the field is not for you. I agree with him, the problem is me. My lack of ability to put effort, to learn, to listen, and to understand are the reasons why I'm never going to be successful.

 

[Zeyphersan]

Every time I go out and drink I get too caught up in my head. I hate me, so my friends must hate me. No one likes me, because I don't like me. It's super self-destructive but an incredibly powerful force, it's hard to ignore. You get too into your own head and just lose it

 

[Bigboss242]

I just don't care anymore everything is easy now.

 

[co1onel]

I've been having lots of trouble talking to therapists. I've seen three different therapists now. I've been struggling with social anxiety for nearly my whole life, and it's caused me to go into a depression in the past couple of years. I know that I need to talk to someone but every therapist I've tried talking to has caused me lots of anxiety, to the point where I can't get any sleep for multiple days before the appointment and start having lots of thoughts about suicide. I also can't stop hating myself over it after the appointment. I feel like just giving up every time because it doesn't feel like it's worth the anxiety and stress. I just want to stay lonely forever if it means I don't have to feel those things anymore. I can't bring myself to say much during the sessions and try to keep everything hidden. Right now I'm only seeing a psychiatrist who recently put me on remeron because he was worried about my sleep and weight being too low. I've also been on lexapro and setraline with no real effect, and wellbutrin with really adverse side effects. I'm not very optimistic about the remeron, as I feel like it's making my motivation even worse. Even just calling my psychiatrist to let him know about how it's making me feel causes me to panic. I have no friends who I can talk to, as I cut off most of my connections with them years ago, and even if I did I would just end up cutting them off too. My anxiety has forced me to drop out of school, and I feel constant guilt about it. I hate living with my parents and want to move out, but I can't get the motivation to do anything about it.

 

[Milksheikhs]

Hey guys I need some advice/help asap!

So Thursday night my husband and I went to the emergency room because he was in a very depressive state and because he has a history with suicide we didn't want it to get to that level before he sought out help. He had been procrastinating getting a new therapist as we had just moved a few months ago to a new city. Well, long story short he voluntarily checked himself in. He's been there since and gone to all the group therapies and feels that he is much better and ready to come home. I have visited him and I also believe that he is doing better and should come home. He is set to be discharged Monday but that means he will miss school (grad school)..which isn't a big deal except that I think he's doing fine and doesn't need to be there any longer. I also get a weird impression from the doctor who advised that he be there till Monday. The insurance cleared for 5 days and I get the feeling they're just trying to keep him there for the full five days even if it's not necessary. Also, the doctor who's care he was in on Thursday/Friday was in my husbands opinion very unprofessional and displayed subtle bigotry towards my husbands sexual orientation (bisexual). They also tried to sign him up for substance abuse group therapy even though that's not even relevant to him (as he had never been an alcoholic or substance abuser) and hasn't had a drink in quite some time.

Another thing to keep in mind is that there was no attempts for suicide or plans made and he in no way harmed himself before or since going to the ER.

My question is can I tell them that I want him discharged a day early (tomorrow)? Can they legally hold him there till Monday?
If I have power of attorney what does this mean in this context/situation? How should I bring the fact that i want him to be discharged with the doctor tomorrow?


If you guys could give me some advice...I would be very appreciative!!

 

[Piano]

I had a very bad experience in school years ago where I went to see a school therapist. I confessed that I'd tried to kill myself a few years prior, and we continued to talk. I found it very little help and told him I didn't want to continue. He said he thought I had Asperger's Syndrome, and he felt it would be a good idea to contact my parents, but I told him I didn't want that and that it didn't matter to me, I wasn't finding it helpful to continue. He then concluded by telling me that he didn't believe I would tell him if I was suicidal (which was correct, but I wasn't suicidal at all), and proceeded to contact my parents, tell them everything I told him, and refer me to psychiatrist in a hospital who then began the screening procedure for Asperger's Syndrome.

During the diagnostic procedure, I also did the Beck Youth Inventories. My results were "Beck Self Concept Inventory: Lower than Average", "Beck Anxiety Inventory: Moderately Elevated" (this should have been higher, as I did lie when I told the examiner that I didn't occasionally believe I was being monitored by cameras/recording device in my home; which I know sounds crazy and was completely delusional, but there were times when I did feel it despite knowing it was insane and paranoid), "Beck Depression Inventory: Moderately Elevated", "Beck Anger Inventory: Extremely Elevated", and "Beck Disruptive Behaviour Inventory: Moderately Elevated", so I know I'm more prone to distrustful thoughts anyway. The previous poor experience, combined with a more naturally distrustful nature, combined with my extremely poor parental experience, have probably been the factors that have combined to lead me to view mental health services in an extremely negative and highly distrustful light.

I'm sorry to hear that you had a negative experience with your school therapist, TOWK. When you say you're distrustful of mental health services, does that distrust apply only to your own needs or to others as well? What I mean is do you think mental health services can be helpful generally? Do you think there might be trustworthy and competent therapists out there? Is the distrust more emotional, a feeling, or logical, a reasoned conclusion?

I need some advice or just an ear really. So recently, my friend has been going through a depression. She used to get depressed quite a bit but it would never last that long. However this latest one she basically withdrew herself from all socializing and ignored everyone who tried to get into contact with her. It's been like 2 months since I've last seen her in person. I talked to her briefly a couple of weeks ago and she said she was getting help with her depression but still doesn't feel like socializing. I know that eventually we're gonna see each other. The thing is that during this time, I progressively felt more distant from her and to be honest I don't feel as close to her as I did before. Should I let her know this? I know I'm probably terrible for even feeling this way.

I don't know the exact situation, Metalingus, so I can't say for certain, but it sounds as though this is not the best time to bring that up. If you've got a friend - however strained - going through a difficult emotional situation it's usually good to try your best to put aside qualms about the relationship until a later point when bringing them up has the possibility of leading to a positive result.

I finally had the very difficult, but necessary phone talk with the ex. It was insanely hard to tell her that I don't want continue things with her and that I had a date with a new girl.

She screamed at me multiple times because I had the date on our anniversary, cried because she felt "it" again between us when we last saw each other, or insulted the new girl in every possible way. Unbelievable that she actually tried to depict me as the bad guy in this mess after everything she has done to me in the last couple of months.

But in other news, this new girl is just wow. I don't know how she does it, but I never ever had a crush this hard after just one date. We basically spend our days texting each other nonstop. I can't wait for her to see her again on Sunday and I am really excited with how things will develop between us.

I'm glad you're enjoying your time with the new girl, DKQ. I hope you're able to stay on a good path even through future difficulties - I'm sure there will be a few blips here and there at the strangest times.

I am on a low dose but I have an extreme low tolerance for just about anything. Works for the anxiety, is absolute SHIT with the depressive mood that follows.



I called this "momentum" some years back when I was seeing a decent psychologist. Everything, in terms of perspective, seems easier when you have built a solid foundation of something. I apply this thinking with my creative endeavors. Doesn't change the fact it's a pain in the bitch to get something, ANYTHING, started.

Momentum is how I think of it, too, FITG. I pretty much completely lost my momentum a couple of years ago (no job, no school, living at home) and it was tough getting things going again. Still, even that first step felt great, and the feeling of gaining just a bit of momentum gave me the energy to build just a bit more. I really encourage you to start scheming ways to find support for rebuilding your momentum - it sounds as though you've got a good mindset about it all, just need a stepping stool of some sort.

Not really. I spoke with my instructor about my issues with being a dead weight to my team members and how I didn't like coding that much. I even told him what I expected him to say which I was right. Why am I majoring computer science where I show no signs of passion? I feel like other people will say why I'm majoring computer science in the first place if I don't like programming? My instructor said in class that if you're not interested in programming or not putting the effort in coding, then the field is not for you. I agree with him, the problem is me. My lack of ability to put effort, to learn, to listen, and to understand are the reasons why I'm never going to be successful.

It really strikes me, MisterLuffy, what a huge gap there is between the first 90% of your post ("I'm having doubts about my program") and the last sentence ("I am an eternal failure"). I really, really, really don't think that your evidence matches your conclusion here! I know I've said things like that many times before, but I think it's really worth reminding yourself over and over again that you're taking leaps in order to condemn yourself to failure.

I also really think it's worth trying to find as many people as possible to talk to at length about the program - talking to your instructor in passing probably is not enough to sort things out. Again, maybe you can connect with your adviser, or sit down with your teacher for a longer talk, or connect with some who are further along in the program or the career field?

Every time I go out and drink I get too caught up in my head. I hate me, so my friends must hate me. No one likes me, because I don't like me. It's super self-destructive but an incredibly powerful force, it's hard to ignore. You get too into your own head and just lose it

Riding the torrent of critical self-talk can be incredibly tough. I think it's valuable, Zyphersan, that you're able to consciously separate reality from these repetitive thoughts, though.

I just don't care anymore everything is easy now.

What's going on, Bigboss?

I've been having lots of trouble talking to therapists. I've seen three different therapists now. I've been struggling with social anxiety for nearly my whole life, and it's caused me to go into a depression in the past couple of years. I know that I need to talk to someone but every therapist I've tried talking to has caused me lots of anxiety, to the point where I can't get any sleep for multiple days before the appointment and start having lots of thoughts about suicide. I also can't stop hating myself over it after the appointment. I feel like just giving up every time because it doesn't feel like it's worth the anxiety and stress. I just want to stay lonely forever if it means I don't have to feel those things anymore. I can't bring myself to say much during the sessions and try to keep everything hidden. Right now I'm only seeing a psychiatrist who recently put me on remeron because he was worried about my sleep and weight being too low. I've also been on lexapro and setraline with no real effect, and wellbutrin with really adverse side effects. I'm not very optimistic about the remeron, as I feel like it's making my motivation even worse. Even just calling my psychiatrist to let him know about how it's making me feel causes me to panic. I have no friends who I can talk to, as I cut off most of my connections with them years ago, and even if I did I would just end up cutting them off too. My anxiety has forced me to drop out of school, and I feel constant guilt about it. I hate living with my parents and want to move out, but I can't get the motivation to do anything about it.

co1onel, have you talked to your therapists or psychiatrist directly about your anxiety, fear and panic over your appointments?

Hey guys I need some advice/help asap!

So Thursday night my husband and I went to the emergency room because he was in a very depressive state and because he has a history with suicide we didn't want it to get to that level before he sought out help. He had been procrastinating getting a new therapist as we had just moved a few months ago to a new city. Well, long story short he voluntarily checked himself in. He's been there since and gone to all the group therapies and feels that he is much better and ready to come home. I have visited him and I also believe that he is doing better and should come home. He is set to be discharged Monday but that means he will miss school (grad school)..which isn't a big deal except that I think he's doing fine and doesn't need to be there any longer. I also get a weird impression from the doctor who advised that he be there till Monday. The insurance cleared for 5 days and I get the feeling they're just trying to keep him there for the full five days even if it's not necessary. Also, the doctor who's care he was in on Thursday/Friday was in my husbands opinion very unprofessional and displayed subtle bigotry towards my husbands sexual orientation (bisexual). They also tried to sign him up for substance abuse group therapy even though that's not even relevant to him (as he had never been an alcoholic or substance abuser) and hasn't had a drink in quite some time.

Another thing to keep in mind is that there was no attempts for suicide or plans made and he in no way harmed himself before or since going to the ER.

My question is can I tell them that I want him discharged a day early (tomorrow)? Can they legally hold him there till Monday?
If I have power of attorney what does this mean in this context/situation? How should I bring the fact that i want him to be discharged with the doctor tomorrow?


If you guys could give me some advice...I would be very appreciative!!

I'm afraid I don't have the answer you seek, Milksheikhs - I think it varies state to state in the US, but in the states I'm familiar with I believe a voluntary admit should be able to check themselves out after 48 hours? I think? It's been a while. Have you googled around?

I hope for the best for you and your husband.

<3

 

[The One Who Knocks]

I'm sorry to hear that you had a negative experience with your school therapist, TOWK. When you say you're distrustful of mental health services, does that distrust apply only to your own needs or to others as well? What I mean is do you think mental health services can be helpful generally? Do you think there might be trustworthy and competent therapists out there? Is the distrust more emotional, a feeling, or logical, a reasoned conclusion?

Well I've no doubt that therapy is not only beneficial to some, but truly can be an absolutely life-altering service, particularly when an extremely competent, that should absolutely be sought out by anybody struggling; it just really isn't something which I believe is for me, as not only has it not helped in my current situation, at all, but the level of distrust I have towards the service, the near-complete resilience, and how previous experiences have shaped me as an individual, all combined with a great inability to express myself well through verbal communication, renders it a rather unhelpful asset to me.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

Momentum is how I think of it, too, FITG. I pretty much completely lost my momentum a couple of years ago (no job, no school, living at home) and it was tough getting things going again. Still, even that first step felt great, and the feeling of gaining just a bit of momentum gave me the energy to build just a bit more. I really encourage you to start scheming ways to find support for rebuilding your momentum - it sounds as though you've got a good mindset about it all, just need a stepping stool of some sort.

I am starting at square one and the first step in finding therapy is bringing me unneeded grief. Not to mention I feel like I have to build back up 100 simultaneous things at once. I think this might be my rock bottom.

 

[Zeyphersan]

Riding the torrent of critical self-talk can be incredibly tough. I think it's valuable, Zyphersan, that you're able to consciously separate reality from these repetitive thoughts, though.

Well, yes and no. I know that they are in fact self-depricating thoughts and try not to focus on them, but in a sense I also think they're... true? Like I don't think I'm wrong in my evaluations. It's hard to explain.

 

[crazepharmacist]

This is gonna sound kind of crazy but my p-doc recently prescribed me a muscle relaxer for social anxiety. Let's just say I don't have social anxiety anymore, at all. I feel one hundred percent my self and at ease in social environments now. Giving eye contact doesn't require effort anymore. It's called baclofen, related to phenibut, which if you search the internet will procure hundreds of reports of it being extremely pro-social. I love this stuff.

 

[MisterLuffy]

It really strikes me, MisterLuffy, what a huge gap there is between the first 90% of your post ("I'm having doubts about my program") and the last sentence ("I am an eternal failure"). I really, really, really don't think that your evidence matches your conclusion here! I know I've said things like that many times before, but I think it's really worth reminding yourself over and over again that you're taking leaps in order to condemn yourself to failure.

I also really think it's worth trying to find as many people as possible to talk to at length about the program - talking to your instructor in passing probably is not enough to sort things out. Again, maybe you can connect with your adviser, or sit down with your teacher for a longer talk, or connect with some who are further along in the program or the career field?

Programming shouldn't be my conclusion to my eternal failure but my last sentence should be. I dislike me so much because the last part relates to how I function in life which relates to my job, which relates to school, which relates to conversing with people, which relates how I use words, which relates to programming, etc. My apologies if I'm going off, you even pointed out a mistake I've made with my evidence doesn't match with my conclusion. I'm not sure if I want to connect with them because I don't want to sound stupid and they're better off doing whatever important things they're doing than helping me since I'm going to be a waste of time for them.

 

[Labrys]

If you're thinking of hurting yourself, Labrys, please, please call a crisis counseling line (1 (800) 273-8255), seek emergency treatment, or both.

If you're comfortable sharing, we're here to listen. What's got you down?

i think i've always had the thought, i'd never go through with it though. a lot of the time it feels like i'm just talking out my ass or invasive thoughts or. something. i dunno.

i guess lately i've just felt more stress + anxiety and my depression is starting to flare up more than usual. i guess my self image issues have gotten worse as well.

i started a new job last month, and while it's good making money and actually feeling slightly productive, i'm starting to hate it and i feel really bad because of it. since i'm the "new guy" i feel like i'm getting walked all over by my other coworkers. i've also had a lot of issues with the scheduling and every time i asked if i could get different hours they basically do the handwave "uhuh yeah we'll look into it". i've been working 10 hour days even though i'm scheduled for 8 and i don't get home until late because of it and it also makes me feel really lonely since nobody is awake to talk to or anything.

i guess that's how i was feeling earlier too, really lonely. and on days like my dad's birthday and the day he died i guess i just get lonlier since he's gone. it's been 5 years and i'd like to tell myself i've handled it well but i haven't. my mom's starting to date again and i'd like to be supportive but it just feels really off to me. i also get really worried about her, it sound so cliche but some men are such creeps and i'm afraid they're out to get her or something. my sister doesn't do well with it either. i also feel really like my sister hates me lately, because of my sexuality and stuff. she looks at me like i'm disgusting any time i mention my relationship or anything and it just really brings me down.

leading from relationships, i'm in a long distance one. i love my boyfriend a lot but lately i really feel the distance. also, adding to before, loneliness. last time i saw him in person was may and the earliest i'm going to be able to see him again is february or march, and i feel selfish because of how alone i feel because of that.
also the thoughts of marriage have been kinda ganging up on me lately. i feel like i want to spend the rest of my life with him but i'm so afraid if i do propose it'll be too soon or i'll fuck up or something. i also feel like at least getting engaged will help start to bridge the distance, because we've talked so much about getting at least a little closer.

i guess in semi-good news, today marks a month without cutting. i've relapsed before and i feel like a fucking idiot about it but i'm really persevering about it. i've been distracting myself whenever i get to the point where i feel like i'd need to do it.
i've also been starting to work on my game backlog which also makes me feel a little accomplished. so far i've finished 10 games this year.


i kinda went on for a while there, sorry, but it felt kind of nice to share.

 

[megatronium]

Tomorrow I'm headed to prison. Although I'm no author, I plan on documenting my stay while dealing with BPD and alcoholism. Gives me something to focus on during my year and a half away. I'll miss this thread. Thanks to all who've shared their stories and encouragement.

 

[jb1234]

Tomorrow I'm headed to prison. Although I'm no author, I plan on documenting my stay while dealing with BPD and alcoholism. Gives me something to focus on during my year and a half away. I'll miss this thread. Thanks to all who've shared their stories and encouragement.

It feels rude to ask someone why they're going to prison but I've been curious for weeks now. You seem like a good guy who has been through a lot.

 

[StormyTheRabbit]

Tomorrow I'm headed to prison. Although I'm no author, I plan on documenting my stay while dealing with BPD and alcoholism. Gives me something to focus on during my year and a half away. I'll miss this thread. Thanks to all who've shared their stories and encouragement.

Focus on yourself. Read. Read as much as you can. Even if you've never been much of a reader before, it will do amazing things for you.

I've never posted in this thread before, I don't know if I will again..but I've suffered from depression from a very young age and am currently at about a pint/fifth a night...Just hang in there man.

A year and a half sounds like a long time, but just use it to focus on yourself and to determine your priorities. Every day that passes is one more closer to getting out. Read, work out, and get healthy. Mentally and physically.

Hang in there buddy. Good luck with dealing with the alcoholism, you're stronger than me. Hopefully one day I'll be able to deal with mine. Until then, I'll pour one for you now.

 

[megatronium]

It feels rude to ask someone why they're going to prison but I've been curious for weeks now. You seem like a good guy who has been through a lot.

Thanks. I may be a good guy now, but I wasn't before. I got into a car accident while drunk and the other driver was hurt. Thankfully they made a full recovery but that doesn't excuse the crime. Now its time to accept responsibility and pay part of my debt to society. I will focus on helping others going forward.

 

[megatronium]

Focus on yourself. Read. Read as much as you can. Even if you've never been much of a reader before, it will do amazing things for you.

I've never posted in this thread before, I don't know if I will again..but I've suffered from depression from a very young age and am currently at about a pint/fifth a night...Just hang in there man.

A year and a half sounds like a long time, but just use it to focus on yourself and to determine your priorities. Every day that passes is one more closer to getting out. Read, work out, and get healthy. Mentally and physically.

Hang in there buddy. Good luck with dealing with the alcoholism, you're stronger than me. Hopefully one day I'll be able to deal with mine. Until then, I'll pour one for you now.

Thanks bruh. I'm a year and a half sober now but I know what you're dealing with. I had to hit bottom in order for me to get serious about recovery. I pray you don't have to go through anything remotely like that. You hang in there too and you've already started your path to recovery by acknowledging the problem.

 

[jb1234]

Thanks. I may be a good guy now, but I wasn't before. I got into a car accident while drunk and the other driver was hurt. Thankfully they made a full recovery but that doesn't excuse the crime. Now its time to accept responsibility and pay part of my debt to society. I will focus on helping others going forward.

You have a good attitude about it. I hope you'll share with us your experiences when you return (as it sounds like you'll be doing some writing).

 

[StormyTheRabbit]

Thanks bruh. I'm a year and a half sober now but I know what you're dealing with. I had to hit bottom in order for me to get serious about recovery. I pray you don't have to go through anything remotely like that. You hang in there too and you've already started your path to recovery by acknowledging the problem.

I appreciate it. I try to talk to friends about it, but they tend to not take me seriously due to my age (23), and it caused me to not admit that I have a problem for a long time. It caused me to simply write it off as "being young and having fun." But I know I have a problem, and I hope one day to overcome it.

Best of luck to you. Honestly. Read, write, sketch, workout. That is the best advice I can give you. If I had a year and a half to solely focus on one of those, let alone all of them...I know I'd hone my skills incredibly. And you can too! Just stay positive and pick up something that interests you to focus on.

You got this brov.

I might not deserve to still be alive now, but I try to make up for it in small ways.

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

Tomorrow I'm headed to prison. Although I'm no author, I plan on documenting my stay while dealing with BPD and alcoholism. Gives me something to focus on during my year and a half away. I'll miss this thread. Thanks to all who've shared their stories and encouragement.

I wish you nothing but strength during those hard times and I hope that we see you again here!

 

[Blues1990]

I finally had the very difficult, but necessary phone talk with the ex. It was insanely hard to tell her that I don't want continue things with her and that I had a date with a new girl.

She screamed at me multiple times because I had the date on our anniversary, cried because she felt "it" again between us when we last saw each other, or insulted the new girl in every possible way. Unbelievable that she actually tried to depict me as the bad guy in this mess after everything she has done to me in the last couple of months.

But in other news, this new girl is just wow. I don't know how she does it, but I never ever had a crush this hard after just one date. We basically spend our days texting each other nonstop. I can't wait for her to see her again on Sunday and I am really excited with how things will develop between us.

It's good to hear that things are going well for you and your new connection, and as long as you treat her well (along with her respecting you as a human being), then I hope this new relationship will blossom to something healthy.

As for myself, I've been clamped up within my home for the past several days. I've been stuttering a lot more, to the point where I'm much more comfortable just being quiet than communicating with others.

I've just gotten notification that my E.I. is gone, and I'm going to see if I can extend it. Otherwise, it's going to become increasingly difficult for me, but I hope someone, anyone, will contact me back with a job offer.

 

[DOWN]

How does one know they are at the point where they are depressed? Like I hear the term used often and wonder if it is used correctly or if its use matters? Or is there a difference between clinical depression and the common use of depression to describe one's state?

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

The term is used often, yeah.

The job of the clinician is to evaluate a major depressive disorder based on criteria such as (based on a real quick internet search) this -which is drawn from the most recent DSM(5) templates.

Even then, it can be a tricky one to decipher, as even in the above example, it's not only 'major depressive disorder', but 'clinical depression', but also 'simply depression' --

A person who suffers from a major depressive disorder (sometimes also referred to as clinical depression or simply depression) must either have a depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities consistently for at least a 2 week period.

It's certainly distinct from being 'sad' .Would go on (and on and on) a bit more but am at work

Fuck, this is me right now. You know, I never considered myself a depressed person, and this past year has been rough on me. The feeling of disinterest has scared me and now I am more terrified of actually getting a positive diagnosis of it from an actual psychologist. I even searched up on Google to see if MDD was permanent, but it was all mixed results. I just want some goddamn reassurance.

 

[DrM]

Thank god for a nice weather, because I am having a bit of a downfall again. Job searching is really taking its toll and I spend too much energy on it without any results. Looks like I have only two option: reclassify to some other profession or migrate somewhere.

Tomorrow I'm headed to prison. Although I'm no author, I plan on documenting my stay while dealing with BPD and alcoholism. Gives me something to focus on during my year and a half away. I'll miss this thread. Thanks to all who've shared their stories and encouragement.

Good luck and stay strong.

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

I'm glad you're enjoying your time with the new girl, DKQ. I hope you're able to stay on a good path even through future difficulties - I'm sure there will be a few blips here and there at the strangest times.

It's good to hear that things are going well for you and your new connection, and as long as you treat her well (along with her respecting you as a human being), then I hope this new relationship will blossom to something healthy.

As for myself, I've been clamped up within my home for the past several days. I've been stuttering a lot more, to the point where I'm much more comfortable just being quiet than communicating with others.

I've just gotten notification that my E.I. is gone, and I'm going to see if I can extend it. Otherwise, it's going to become increasingly difficult for me, but I hope someone, anyone, will contact me back with a job offer.

Thank you both! After our date on Sunday we both realised that we are more than two people who shared a kiss once. She never had a boyfriend or sex before, so I absolutely have to take things slow with her, as apparently people lost interest in her when she wouldn't let them do "more". She was insanely happy when I told that we should not rush things and that I can wait for it.

My ex won't let me go at the moment. She constantly texts or tries to call me and either actually realised that she loves me or just doesn't want me to be with a different person. Suddenly she wants her Little Mermaid Blu-ray back that she didn't give one fuck about when she broke up with me. She is just looking for dumb reasons to visit me and I don't want that, as she would definitely try to make a move. She also has been cutting herself a lot over the last few days and even though I shouldn't blame myself, I do. I was so proud of her when she stopped all of that during the first months of our relationship and now I'm insanely afraid that she might end up doing even worse things to herself. I made myself clear that I don't want her back, but she is not accepting a no. I hate that I am now the person that has moved on.



How is your garden, blues? Do you have any other things to distract you? I always felt a lot better when I went out with friends instead of staying at home. Even when they sometimes had to force me to do something, in the end I was always happy that they did.

I can't say enough how horrible it is to be unemployed and how unmotivated I was to do anything at all. I really hope that you get a job offer soon.

 

[Blues1990]

How is your garden, blues? Do you have any other things to distract you? I always felt a lot better when I went out with friends instead of staying at home. Even when they sometimes had to force me to do something, in the end I was always happy that they did.

I can't say enough how horrible it is to be unemployed and how unmotivated I was to do anything at all. I really hope that you get a job offer soon.

As of this writing, my garden has gone into hibernation mode, what with the temperature dropping. Still, I'm looking forward to tending it next season, especially once I get some silver knight & plant it in the spring. :3

Unfortunately, I don't have many friends, and the ones that I do have are either too busy or they don't want to do anything with me. I have tried (and failed) to make new connections, and I'm feeling pretty defeated right now.

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

As of this writing, my garden has gone into hibernation mode, what with the temperature dropping. Still, I'm looking forward to tending it next season, especially once I get some silver knight & plant it in the spring. :3

Unfortunately, I don't have many friends, and the ones that I do have are either too busy or they don't want to do anything with me. I have tried (and failed) to make new connections, and I'm feeling pretty defeated right now.

Good to know that you want to continue with your garden when it's warm again.

Have you ever tried to go to something like a bar on your own? In September I spent 2 days in Hamburg by myself, which is something I never thought I would do. I met new people and had an incredible night with all of them. It absolutely boosts your self confidence when you do something out of your comfort zone.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

and fair enough!

actually just drew that quote to underline how the language that gets used around mental health can be sorta nebulous/confusing: major depressive disorder = depression, etc

(you generally need to meet most/all of the other criteria listed)

have you seen your doctor/specialist?

one of the problems that happens with this stuff is that you can be sitting there looking internet articles back and forth to your watch/calendar going, "holy shit, TWO WEEKS of depressed mood + loss of interest... i fucking knew it- MAJOR DISORDER"

I haven't seen a specialist yet, they really like to drag ass with booking your appointments 1-2 months when you need help now and yeah, being fast and loose with terminology like that isn't wise, especially for something that needs to be rigorous as scientific consensus, but I know the mental health side of things is as you said nebulous. It's a shame because the uncertainty of my condition causes me anguish.

 

[besada]

I haven't popped in here for awhile (everything's been going great) but I wanted to drop by and let everyone know that if they need a mod in here, for whatever reason, to feel free to PM me.

 

[Blues1990]

Good to know that you want to continue with your garden when it's warm again.

Have you ever tried to go to something like a bar on your own? In September I spent 2 days in Hamburg by myself, which is something I never thought I would do. I met new people and had an incredible night with all of them. It absolutely boosts your self confidence when you do something out of your comfort zone.

Yeah, I find working on my garden to be very therapeutic, and I'm interesting in pursuing a vegetable garden in the future.

I'm not the drinking type (I don't drink any sort of alcohol), but I have gone to bars and clubs in the past, in order to secure some new connections. It wasn't my scene, especially when the drunkards started to beg for some cash to purchase a drink (or twenty). I did go to a singles night event at a local pub, and the guys there were cool, but nothing came out of it. But, oh god, every female that was there wanted to slit my throat. Even for something simple as asking for the time, they feel like I'm trying to hit on them, which is something I don't do in any fashion.

 

[Horse Detective]

I'm struggling a lot with my creativity and emotions.


I've made posts about this before, so I am sure some will read this and immediately roll their eyes. I'm 21 and under a lot of pressure from my parents back home to pursue schooling and make some meaningful moves toward the career I want. Obviously as anyone would think, i'm my own person and am always free to do what I want with my life. I agree with them though, and I am very passionate about what I would like to do. Currently I work part retail, part graphic design in a local clothing brand/ screen printing service. My boss is alright, he throws me a lot of creative projects that involve heavy illustrative work since he knows it is my passion. I have received three different internships based on my portfolio work, but all have revolved around screen printing, whereas my actual dream is to be a conceptual artist for a game studio.

I have a lot of conflicting emotions regarding my current place in life, some positive but a lot negative. I am friends with a couple people that regularly meet in my city to discuss their work in the video game industry. A few of them are artists, but only one of them is currently employed. Her work is absolutely incredible, and far surpasses what I have made. I have talked with her a lot, and she has pointed me in the direction of tutorials she used to get where she is. I am putting time into using them, but I am having trouble with it. My most dominant conflict is with how downplayed art careers are, and the experiences I have had with talented, unemployed artists. I am not naive enough to claim no one can land these jobs, but I can't help but feel intense fear when I meet someone who's capabilities surpass mine, and they struggle with employment. I also struggle a lot with comparing myself to the success of my significant other. She has been attending a six month course for the career path she is currently interested in, and has already landed a part time internship at an incredible restaurant. I am beyond proud of her, especially having witnessed her transformation from the very beginning. The problem is, I haven't developed nearly as much. I have worked on a lot of cool projects with my current job, and I am proud of the shirts out there with my designs on them. It isn't what I want to be doing though. I know it, and she knows it. It makes the little successes I make there feel like nothing.

Despite my uncertainties, I have not attended school yet. My boss is working on my recommendation letter for a local school. Meanwhile, I haven't finished a single piece of artwork in an incredibly long time. Every chance I get to sit and practice, I stress myself out, or become too anxious to finish. I have a lot of trouble concentrating and learning the methods in the videos I watch. It's as though I want to get better but my mind won't let me. Part of me wonders if it is because I am pressuring myself to draw to further my career, and that I can only do well when I am not trying. The other part of me knows I have never felt as inspired to push myself as I did during the concept art showcase for Bethesda's E3 conference. I have felt motivated by a lot of things, but nothing made me desire to work on a team more than that presentation. Because of that, I know I want to draw for a studio like Bethesda more than anything, but I am not sure how to plan things out for myself and actually reach milestones toward that goal.

Anyway, that is the end of that. If anything, it is nice to vent and write out my feelings. I guess it feels similar to talking to someone about my troubles, another thing I have a hard time with.

 

[AcridMeat]

You're incredibly young Horse. Think about your career this way, you'll be working for another 40 years or so if you're lucky. 4 decades. Careers take time to develop, I'd say you're in a great spot in life at the moment.

Set aside time each day with the goal to work on a personal project, some concept art. Doesn't have to be the focus of the day, but just make sure to be consistent with it. Your parents just want you to be happy ultimately, and for them part of that is seeing their son satisfied with their career. Like I said though, it takes time. Instead of looking at your current job/work as not beneficial to you, look at the larger picture and think about how this work benefits your ultimate goal as an artist. You're going through the process of creating these projects and putting them to market, that's huge at such a young age.

I'm now rambling so I'm going to bed.

 

[BattleMedic]

Gonna keep this short but hopefully this is the step in the right direction. Dealt with anxiety all my life. I've been taking anti depressants for about 4 years now. Things have been good since, the odd bad day here and there but I managed to go to uni, met an amazing girlfriend and generally live pretty normal.

Since graduating I've moved back home and things have gone to shit. I sit in pretty much everyday but thats the only time I feel okay. I feel I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place, on one side I'm anxious almost every day other than the ones which I can spend on my own.

But I'm not happy doing that and I'm getting down on myself because of it. I'm seeing classmates begin their careers and I'm like a little boy, too scared to do anything. I'm terrified that the woman I love is gonna get fed up with me like so many friends have in the past. People are asking me how the job search is going and I'm really disappointed I've fell back into this.

I'm starting therapy tonight which is something I've never done before. I've not slept/ate much and I'm not good company cause I'm anxious about it but I've taken a diazapam and I'm feeling settled for the time being.

Here's to a brighter future cause I know this can't last.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

Gonna keep this short but hopefully this is the step in the right direction. Dealt with anxiety all my life. I've been taking anti depressants for about 4 years now. Things have been good since, the odd bad day here and there but I managed to go to uni, met an amazing girlfriend and generally live pretty normal.

Since graduating I've moved back home and things have gone to shit. I sit in pretty much everyday but thats the only time I feel okay. I feel I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place, on one side I'm anxious almost every day other than the ones which I can spend on my own.

But I'm not happy doing that and I'm getting down on myself because of it. I'm seeing classmates begin their careers and I'm like a little boy, too scared to do anything. I'm terrified that the woman I love is gonna get fed up with me like so many friends have in the past. People are asking me how the job search is going and I'm really disappointed I've fell back into this.

I'm starting therapy tonight which is something I've never done before. I've not slept/ate much and I'm not good company cause I'm anxious about it but I've taken a diazapam and I'm feeling settled for the time being.

Here's to a brighter future cause I know this can't last.

At least you have a woman you love. I've graduated university without a single meaningful romantic relationship. Haven't managed to get laid once during the 3 years of my course, only have kissed girls but that's it. I don't feel I have particularly close friends either. To do a new Bachelor's course is really expensive, I wish I had dropped out instead of forcing myself to continue to study a subject I began to hate intensely and getting lacklustre grades. I am an academic and social failure.