Right before it happened, I'm changing my face and shit, and goddamn do I look good. My wife knows what's up and constants on how goddamn good I look like constantly. It's like, bitch, I know, but anyway.
I head out to the kitchen and our robot butler is flying around and shit. I check out the Grognak the Barbarian biography because that guy is legit. It was a better time back then, you know what I mean? Simpler.
Anyway, there's someone at the door and my wife makes me get it. I have to do everything! Anyway, it's some Man In the Yellow Hat asshole wanting to sell me some shit. I tell the guy to fuck off like 50 times but he won't go away. I look the guy dead in the face and tell him he can go hide in a corner and hide from the nukes, but if some nuke comes around to MY neighborhood and starts some shit, I'm gonna punch that nuke right in the fucking face. That's how McGrizzle settles shit.
Anyway, my fists are getting clenched good and tight, and I'm feeling like warming up for that nuke fight by punching a hole through this guy's face. Then my wife tells me I have to sign his forms! Fuck. Why did I get married?
Then the baby's crying and the robot and my wife tell me to go handle that shit too. Do I gotta do everything around here? Fuck. Anyway I go into the baby's room and make that little punchless punk shut up. What kind of a man starts crying for attention? I feel like I don't even know this kid. Why should I care about him? I feel like I'm being forced into this whole thing, like this big, heavy responsibility about caring for a wife and child is just being thrust upon me and I'm supposed to just instantly change from McGrizzle to McHusband and caring fucking McFather. This is bullshit.
Then finally, a sign from the heavens. The nukes are dropping. We run outside and everyone's all scared and shit. I take my time saying hello to everyone, looking to see if anybody wants to get all jacked to get ready. Nobody bites. Fuck this town.
Long story short, I run up the hill to get my wife and child in the bunker so I can go fuck shit up. I laugh at that Curious George motherfucker on my way up because they won't let him in. Then we get in the bunker as the bombs go off, and everyone's acting all scared. But not me. As long as I got my fists, I'm ready.
They put me in some icebox and then at some point the icebox thaws just long enough for me to see them open up my wife's icebox across from me. She starts going nuts about the baby, the baby, goin' on like she's Metroid or somethin'. Dude shoots her and I can't even blame him.
Sometime later I get out of the icebox and everyone's already dead. My fists are aching for something to punch so I let loose on some giant cockroaches on my way out. I get out of the vault and see that everything's pretty much gone.
If nothing else, the apocalypse has shown me that nothing can be counted on.
Nothing except your own two fists.
Time to fuck some shit up.