I think my biggest regrets was not going to school and cultivating relationships and experience from it. However, the person I was at 21 was so goddamned concerned with how everyone thought that I shut myself out from the world and now 7 years later, I realized how much of an impact that had on my mental (and physical) well-being. Even though I wouldn't mind going back to school, my biggest fear is not being able to relate or build relationships (romantic or otherwise) because my own lack of life experience wouldn't mesh well with people my own age. I am doing some serious soul searching and it's turbulent at best, fucking terrifying at worst.
The thing is, though, that thinking about that lack of "life experience" and learning from it can be its
own form of life experience. One of my good friends spent over 6 years essentially as a total hermit due to depression and anxiety - no work, no school. He's only started to climb out in the past year, and as his social life as flourished it seems like he's able to relate to plenty of people because his experience with depression and anxiety
is a life experience. Does it let him connect with every type of person? No, but none of us can connect with EVERY type of person. Yet he's built a flourishing social life still, just by finding his little niche, taking it one step at a time and letting things snowball naturally.
The point is, we're always having life experience whether we want to or not, or at least we are unless we're
actively avoiding it
constantly, but even then I think you're just piling up the lessons for the future when you finally deal with your life and your feelings.
Very interesting, thanks for sharing AFA. I took stimulants a few times back in college when I had big papers and found their effects quite interesting. Like, I was much better at consuming information and research and organizing my ideas and stuff but it came at a cost of side effects (anxiety, bad come down) and overall just sorta made me feel like a robot. I certainly wasn't more creative while on them.
Had a really bad day today. Found out we're getting kicked out of our apartment in 30 days. Friend is letting my spouse and I stay in their basement. But I'm terrified of being homeless. I've been doing well in school and work, but between my depression, anxiety, finances, fibromyalgia, cushing's(tumor in my head), car troubles, and now this brush with homelessness, I am fighting extreme despair and self loathing. We've been fighting so hard for so long and it feels like we're hitting rock bottom anyways.
That sounds really tough, Sagroth, I'm sorry to hear you're having to go through all of that. Have you been able to open up to anyone about everything that's going on? Do you have a good line of communication with the friend whom you're staying with?
I still havent managed to make my life any better and seem to be just stagnating now
Anxiety still stopping me from going out to anywhere proper even with people I know especially if there's a crowd. My 2 best friends are the only ones I can go anywhere with and it's usually just me and them (so 2 people)
Another mate is now leaving for a job in Liverpool that'll be both my best friends now living there albeit 1 for 3 months but with the possibility of a permanent job there so I'm gonna be more alone than usual
Not going out means I don't meet people so have no chance of friends or relationships (not that I've ever had so much as a date and i'm 25!)
Self hate is getting worse
And i'm beginning to hate everything and get pissed off with everything too :/ had to stop using FB as seeing everyone having fun and being with their GF's was getting to me
Honestly don't see a way out of this.
Rox, did you ever end up seeking out the help of a therapist? You also mentioned dissatisfaction with your prescribing doctor - have things gotten any better in that regard?
Yeah things are progressing slowly but surely. I am trying to find a few people I trust enough to really open up to. I have many things from my past that I need to talk about so they don't hold me back like they have been. Me and my older sister talked the other day but she doesn't like to get too deep into family stuff as it makes her feel bad. She stuck in there for me though and let me spill about some past stuff that I never told her or anyone else in the family about.
Maybe sometime soon I'll feel comfortable enough to share on here in more detail about some stuff.
Well, redlegs, perhaps further conversations with your sister will slowly open up her willingness to talk about things. In the mean time I'm glad you you were able to get some of it off of your chest. My relationship with my sister has been quite strained at times but it has been helpful for me when we've been able to find common ground and talk about family matters.
Holy shit, I am so tired. Approaching peak stress with a nice insomnia multiplier for like a week now. Missing a deadline for important paperwork tomorrow because I didn't get the memo that it was moved forward one week. On top of that, more due dates and tests than I can wrap my head around for the next week and a half. My apartment is the messiest it has ever been and my fiancee has been mad at me for about a week over various minor issues. And I can't sleep. I'm just exhausted in every way.
Sleep is number one, Kwixotik, I've found that a lack of sleep magnifies everything else. Have you been able to get any more sleep? Is there any way you can catch up on some sleep?
Thanks for replying Piano I appreciate you taking the time and looking at everyone's replies. I really like my therapist. I have been seeing her since my suicide attempt and we've worked on CBT and some planning type stuff.
The sudden downturn was caused by work. They were wondering if I was coming back next semester and I started to think of my co-workers and what they were thinking about me, my students and how I am not there for them, and the thoughts just kept racing and getting more negative. It's a big trigger for me, so I am pretty good about not thinking about work related stuff, but they need to know this information so it was something that I had to deal with.
I would say I had a good six week run there with no suicidal thoughts so that is a big improvement. Now it is the passive suicidal thoughts I am working on. Getting hit by car, shot, etc. I talked to my therapist about this today and I'm 99% sure I won't kill myself. I imagine my mom or fiancee or hell even my cats coming into my room or something and screaming seeing my dead body. I don't think I can do something like that to them. Kind of a gruesome image to think of, but it reminds me of the few people who care and love me so it helps.
The passive suicidal thoughts may linger for a long time, TheSchwab, but the more you air them out with your therapist and look at them and talk about them the more comfortable you'll get with them and the more they will start to fade. I found the passive thoughts lingered quite a bit for me, and even now come back, but I try my best to read what they're telling me (e.g. "I think I did poorly on that presentation today, and ergo feel I should die because I am an infinite failure") so that at least they're useful.
Six weeks is a good run, you should definitely feel good about that. And I'm positive that therapy can help you turn that lingering 1% into a 0.1%.
And hopefully the coming break for the holidays will give you a bit of space from work. Sometimes having some space can help us "reset" where we're at.
I went back to school in September and with every day I spend there I realize that it's once again wasted time. I don't want to become a business economist and nearly every subject (with very few exceptions) annoys me to no end. Every time we have an important test coming up I just don't give a fuck and I rather waste time with anything else but studying. It's definitely better than being unemployed since I'm back in my family's insurance, get a little bit of an educational grant and don't sit in my bed all day, but I'm still so fucking aimless with my whole life. I really want to do something like an apprenticeship as an audio-visual media designer, but the job is rather rare in my area and the earliest starting point would be August 2016. So it's either being unemployed for another year again or just sitting in school and hoping for a miracle.
I gave my brother way too many chances in the last 2 years. I always had hope that he would change, but his presence only makes me hate him more and more. I really don't know what I should do with a person that hurt so many people so much. He is already 20 years old for crying out loud.
But other than school thing and the situation with my brother, I guess I'm alright.
I quit smoking weed a month ago because I didn't want to anymore. It might sound weird, but I feel a lot "clearer" in a way. It's hard not to smoke though when all of my other friends do, but I'll try to stay strong. And then there is my girlfriend, who is such a wonderful person and already gives me so much strength after so little time. Definitely by far the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.
That situation with your brother sounds really tough, DKQ, and I'm not sure that I could really formulate any advice, not knowing you nor him nor the situation as well as you do. When it comes to difficult people, though, sometimes it's best to just work towards being calm with them - not giving them any reasons to get argumentative. And when they do, anyways, don't reinforce it. Hopefully time, for him, will bring more perspective, especially if he is shown over and over again how unreasonable he is being (especially towards your parents) without being given the ammunition to get defensive.
It sounds like you're making wonderful progress in other areas, though. I think ceasing weed smoking is probably a good step because yeah, it definitely clears up the mind a bit and gives one less way to avoid problems. Hopefully that clarity will spread to your thoughts on schooling and career, which are a matter most of us are working on figuring out our entire lives. I encourage you to keep thinking and exploring and feeling out what it is you might want to do.
In the mean time, has your girlfriend been supportive with your family and school situations?
I'm starting to lose patience with work schedule. So on Tuesday before my final exams, I have to work from 4 to midnight which sucks. And you may ask, why didn't I ask for a day off on that day? Well, the reason was that M,T,W, and Th are those days where I'm unavailable. So I never expected my manager to give me a shift on days where I'm unavailable. So I'm really upset, so I had to call one manager there to let her know about it. I hope they take it out or find someone to take over my shift.
That sounds like the kind of thing a reasonable manager should be able to correct. Did you try talking to a supervisor of some sort to see if you could get it changed?
What's the difference between a counselor and a psychologist? In my area it seems a lot easier to schedule an appointment with a counselor.
My understanding is that a psychologist is generally someone who has a PhD in Psychology while a counselor can refer to several other qualifications (such as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, or a PsyD, or a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, or someone working on a PhD in Psychology).
I know you're probably right in that I need to seek professional help. I just don't know why I always stop short of actually acting on it. I'm "fine" right now, but when I get low... it's almost irrational in how overwhelming those feelings and emotions are. I completely shut down. It's almost frustrating. Like I said, almost as if I'm at war with myself; or rather, there's two different people inside of me fighting, one who wants help and one who doesn't. The one who doesn't always wins; and I'm caught in the crossfire.
Do you have any sense of why that half of you doesn't want help?
It could be not wanting to open up, or not wanting things to change (as difficult as they may be) or something else entirely.
I don't really know how to put this, but:
I am overwhelmed by anxiety and depression. I seriously wish someone would hit me with a car. I don't have the will or strength to do anything to myself, so I'm just trapped. Every time I talk to anybody or interact with others I fail, do something stupid or weird, or freeze. I'm just not cut out to talk to people, and I'm trapped in hell. The other day I thought there was going to be a fight in my family and I almost collapsed from fear. I almost blacked out. I don't know what to do. I want to have a career in game design, but I can't focus to write or do anything. I'm constantly angry, stressed, and overwhelmed, even by little things. I'm falling to pieces and I don't know where to turn.
I'm worn down by the stupidity of people around me, as well, especially politically and socially. So much right-wing, racist, sexist, xenophobic nonsense around me constantly. People look at me like a freak in daily life, and rightfully so. I'm a terrible person, not for any moral reasons, but because I can barely function.
Difficulty function does not make you a terrible person, SF. It doesn't even make you a bad person, I can promise you that. Social interactions are challenging, and figuring out how to navigate through our personal anxieties and fears in order to calmly interact with others is a life-long learning process. If you have trouble with it doesn't mean you "fail" and it certainly doesn't mean you're not cut out to talk to people. It strikes me that in your description of your difficulties with others what comes through is a real contempt for yourself. I hope you can continue to work at being gentle with yourself.
Have you had any success in seeking out another therapist / psychologist?
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