Support NeoGAF

[Secret Fawful]

Difficulty function does not make you a terrible person, SF. It doesn't even make you a bad person, I can promise you that. Social interactions are challenging, and figuring out how to navigate through our personal anxieties and fears in order to calmly interact with others is a life-long learning process. If you have trouble with it doesn't mean you "fail" and it certainly doesn't mean you're not cut out to talk to people. It strikes me that in your description of your difficulties with others what comes through is a real contempt for yourself. I hope you can continue to work at being gentle with yourself.

Have you had any success in seeking out another therapist / psychologist?

<3

I absolutely hate myself and the person I am. I idealize other people who have no difficulty with this. Plus so many people don't like me IRL that I know I have a problem, I just don't know how to fix it. I don't know why they don't, they just don't.

And no, I need to search but there's only one psychologist within an hour and a half of me that I know of. I don't want to go back there, because I've been there twice for my anxiety, and have been told I'm normal and ready to quit therapy every time.

It's true for a while, but after a few interactions with people I regress fast.

 

[aGuyInaBearSuit]

I find it more and more difficult to find the motivation to do anything with each passing day. I barely function at work. I haven't been to class in two and a half weeks. I make up excuses to avoid going out whenever friends contact me. I just lie in bed on my laptop all day. Hell, I didn't even leave my house today.

I've also found myself drifting towards reading/watching videos of more macabre subjects, such as disasters, serial killers, etc. I'm not sure where this is coming from but I don't like it.

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

I'd LOVE some advice. Been going through depression on and off pretty much my whole adult life (I'm 35 years of age).
I can go from being really happy and positive to being really down and even get a little aggressive, especially towards my wife and kids (never physically but verbally). I'm so ashamed of myself during and afterwards that I'll go for a walk and cry it off and talk to myself.
I hate my job. I had a chance to play a professional sport when I was younger here in Australia, but found a full time job, purchased a house with my brothers and gave up that path. I have also always wanted to become a film maker, but just cannot get motivated enough to get started. My family and friends all laugh at me and have never taken me seriously when I mention my film maker aspirations. Much harder to try for now especially with 3 kids all under 6 years of age.
I feel like a total failure to my wife and kids having only a job that barely gets us through. I do really shitty hours and never seem to be able to save a decent amount. I just feel like my life has amounted to nothing. I love my wife and kids. Adore them. Wouldn't change anything about them, but feel like I've missed a lot in life doing everything for them. Geez that sounds so selfish of me... And now I feel real bad about that too.

About 5 years ago I wanted to end my life as I had lost my job, we had our 2nd child coming and I was really struggling to find work. I developed type 2 diabetes and everything seemed to be crumbling. I managed to find a job right as we were on our last thousand dollars and I've have the same job since, but I want more. I've always wanted to give my family more... I really do consider my life up to this point a failure.

Sorry for rambling but I just wanted to get out as much as I could all at once. Hope someone has some advice for silly old me...

As always, I am not a psychologist, so I am not qualified for anything here. I am just ranting. And sorry if it sounds harsh. It's not meant to come out harsh


Knowing you're down and (a little bit) aggressive towards your wife and kids, is the first step to begin acting on it, and stop doing it. Part of that is realizing why you're doing it.
From what you describe, it sounds like you have a difficult time with coming to terms with the choices you've made, and you're beating yourself up over what could have been. You're not sure if you would have become a filmmaker or a pro athelete. You could have pursued those paths, never met your wife and kids, and those paths could still have turned out differently.
Thing is, no matter which path you had taken, you would have been full of doubt. There is no such thing as having it all. You took some choices. You act disappointed and feel you're a failure, but you set your life with a job, a wife, 3 kids and a house, up against wild speculation.

Many people struggle with finding someone who loves them, many people don't have a roof over their head or a job, and many don't have a family despite wanting it. Many of those people will tell you that having a career is nothing without a loving family and friends. What you're doing is that your setting your life up against a fantasy, and that is not fair. Not to you, or your life.


I think what you're doing is admirable, and I think having the thoughts you have are natural, but I also think you might take your wife and kids for granted. Nothing else really matters. Is the film or sports career really what you want, is it the sensation of realizing your true self or feeling like a success on your own terms, that is really what is bringing you down?
If so, you can make adjustments to be a better father, husband, coworker and just in general- a better man by carving out things for yourself. < I say this in the sense, that a sense of success and feeling good about yourself can be achieved from small things. Be that idealic husband/father, learn to fix shit you knew how to do around the house (artofmanliness.com). People don't celebrate mediocrity enough (from this funny talk by killer mike: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDQoMv4WBlc ) .

I train with professional fighters and I'm convinced that despite that they are studs and have that entire thing going on (career, admiration, power, success) , that they are not happier than the casual person who comes into the gym twice a week. When our ego is bedridden by this with wanting results and success we forget the act of just doing, just being, and just trying to be here. Right fucking now. Not in the clouds, or in your head thinking about what could have happened. In society we fetishize expertise. It's almost like, if you're not a expert in something, you're not worthwhile. It's a trap that makes a lot of people feel down about themselves. It's not about that. People are not going to like you more. ice cream doesn't taste better. sex is not better. Being an expert or super succesful at one thing, just meant you spend tens of thousands of hours at honing your skills at one particular thing that you could have spend on a million other things. And as always, Alain de Botton; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtSE4rglxbY

The saying "you don't know what you got til its gone" is true. It's so fucking true. You already have it made. You just need small adjustments. The job thing. You can find something else to do. You can work really hard on finding something that doesn't put you down, but nobody is going to take seriously unless you start doing it. Go back to school, send out resumes, grind online courses, learn new skills, study in your free time. You don't need motivation, you just need to be so determined that you're doing it. Your friends don't think you're serious about filmmaking because you aren't. Otherwise you would have started.
But it's not about that. It's not about "I'll show them all!". Remember that most people people are unhappy because they don't know what they really fucking want. You ask them- What do you want? what DO YOU WANT? and it is difficult for them to amount to any deep specific answer. So figure it out.
Good luck!

 

[Saiyan-Rox]

Rox, did you ever end up seeking out the help of a therapist? You also mentioned dissatisfaction with your prescribing doctor - have things gotten any better in that regard?

I haven't no. I'm not sure how to go about that without either paying for it somehow or talking to my prick of a doctor. talking to a therapist wouldn't be easy for me either i;d lock up completely and get stubborn and not talk. I find it hard talking to my best friends about this let alone a prick of a doctor and a complete stranger. Damn Anxiety stops me from doing anything at all that would somehow benefit myself such as going out when invited and on top of that the major self hate and low confidence means i'm pretty much screwed.

I just find it so pointless and i'm beyond any type of help or not worth it.

 

[ngower]

I need to rant/vent/decompress...

I was completely dissatisfied with my previous job in NC. I left there in Oct. of 2014 to move back to New England. I worked something like five part-time or low-paying jobs while I sought full employment, all the while living with my mom at her apartment. I eventually interned somewhere, driving an hour each way to and from the internship because it paid well. This resulted in me being employed at my current job, where I've been for two months.

I had initially planned to enroll in graduate school this fall but because of some lingering credit card/personal debts, I decided to work for a year to get things paid down to a more reasonable load. But I'm so fucking unhappy. My coworkers at my current job can be fairly mean and the work is something that I don't find personally fulfilling to the same extent I would were I in grad school studying something that does provide meaning and substance to the work I do.

In short, I don't love the work I do and find the working environment I'm in emotionally taxing, but I'm trying to meet (and exceed) expectations so that I can keep what is good, healthy employment.

I've already been admitted and fully funded to attend grad school in the fall of 2016, but I'm still struggling to keep things in perspective. Every day I find the little jabs at work or in social settings or wherever else so hard to bear. I find myself in this perpetual fog, this listlessness, this inability to find value or meaning in just about anything I do. I don't even want to watch a movie or a TV show or play a game or read a book or do whatever I would normally do to kill time...I don't want to exercise, I just kill time on my laptop until it's time to call it a night and start all over the next day.

I can't really complain about my work situation to my mother because she also works for the company and that complicates things. My benefits haven't kicked in so I don't have health insurance yet and can't get into counseling, and even then it's so damn expensive up here (something like $80-100 a session, even on sliding scale). My dating life is non-existent....the last date I went on was with this dude who just did not match political views and that resulted in some confrontation. I met up with someone on grindr (I'm a gay male, BTW) the other day that was so embarrassing and uneventful (story short: we didn't hook up, I just sorta left and drove back home) which is to say that I can't even get that fleeting feeling of self-worth or even just personal enjoyment in something like grindr. When I hang out with friends I often find myself trying to put on a face or just fading into the background because it's exhausting to try and defend myself or explain myself or whatever else...I am not an alcoholic or a drug addict or anything but I find I need a drink or to smoke to take the edge off, and listening to music or something under the influence is basically a way to recharge my batteries. I relish days off, days by myself, pure quiet...I notice myself thinking more and more of suicide...not of actually doing it, but in how I'd be perceived, what people would say, how they'd respond or react (if at all?). It's more of a curiosity than it is a desire to inflict self-harm and I don't think I'm anywhere near being actually suicidal, but the fact that I'm even thinking about it, even in a distant way, is kind of alarming to me and a sign that I need to sort this shit out.

Sorry if that doesn't make much sense, I just need to vent....

 

[Piano]

I've been texting back and forth with my best friend who I haven't spoken to in I think several months. I feel really bad because he's been going through some shit too, and here I've been preoccupied with my own issues. It sucks that depression makes it harder to be considerate of others who are also having a hard time. At least, it does for me.

Being conscious of that struggle is the first step, Steamlord. I'm generally pretty understanding if a friend can't be there for me as long as they clearly communicate why / what's going on. It's only when someone thinks they're being a good friend but really are absent or inconsiderate that it gets to me.

So I'm a guy whose had some pretty terrible anxiety and depression.

So I'm going to say something a bit controversial. But I can't deny my personal experience.

Try weed. Seriously.
It's not for everyone, for me it actually kind of fucks with my anxiety. But it really helped me re-contextualize problems. The fact it brought out my anxiety made experience that this anxiety was entirely irrational. It was just like a headache or something, a background feeling that had nothing to do with my current situation or true feelings.

Once I realized that, it was like a veil was lifted. I still felt that anxiety, and I have meds to help deal with it. But I knew what it was, something entirely separate for my rational self. Once you see the problem, you can see it for what it is, and not let it rule you.

Was going to apply for medical actually, but between the months long applications and the fact that in Canada, legalization will probably happen soon or later anyways, im holding off for now.

That and I've honestly reached a good place where I don't need to rely on the stuff anymore. Family helps, I never touch the stuff when it's Christmas time and I'm around family.

As a counter-example, I'd offer my own experience as evidence of why people shouldn't try weed. It enabled me to run from my problems for an extra year or two instead of letting my suffering motivate me to get help and make changes. Yes, I learned some things about my anxiety from the whole experience - the appeal of being high was that it made all of the "noise" go away and just let me focus on here and now, which is now the result I'm pursuing through therapy and medication so I don't need to depend on getting high. But ultimately weed just gave me a place to hide as things got worse and worse and worse. My goal in life became to have more and more time to just escape rather than finding meaningful or rewarding things to engage in.

I'm glad it helped you, yanipheonu. As always, your mileage may vary because what we call "anxiety" is different for each and every one of us.

That's the paradox of it: As a anxious/depressed person, you avoid (positive or not) life experiences but in essence you gain experience in other (detrimental) ways. That's what I came to the realization not long ago and it sucks to think about in retrospect.

Yet the experience and lessons of suffering can lead to incredibly thoughtful, compassionate and understanding people. I don't think it's as easy as saying the experience is "detrimental" outside of the obvious fact that suffering is, well, suffering, so therefore it does suck to experience it.

But the point is that it, too, brings life experience.

This is probably incredibly shallow, but recently I've been feeling a little bit better about myself because I looked up a girl I knew in high school who was really, really similar to me academically (she took basically the same classes as me, had some kind of a learning disability as well, was also a really good student in high school just as I was, ended up going to a university that basically acts as a rival university to the one I went to and is similarly ranked), and she transferred to a community college for academic reasons a little over a year ago and also has no job experience. I often think to myself that my troubles in college are significantly disappointing coming off of high school but it's comforting to know that not all students are successful, since it often seems like I'm surrounded by successful students >_>.

Well, it sounds as though that helped you put your own experience and situation in a better perspective and allowed you to see that you are not an abject failure, and so yes, I can see how that is a positive thing. It seems as though the take-away from that is that our perspectives on our own situations are often unrealistically critical.

I absolutely hate myself and the person I am. I idealize other people who have no difficulty with this. Plus so many people don't like me IRL that I know I have a problem, I just don't know how to fix it. I don't know why they don't, they just don't.

And no, I need to search but there's only one psychologist within an hour and a half of me that I know of. I don't want to go back there, because I've been there twice for my anxiety, and have been told I'm normal and ready to quit therapy every time.

It's true for a while, but after a few interactions with people I regress fast.

There may be other providers you don't know of, Secret Fawful. Have you tried looking through the database your insurance provides? Usually they have a website where you can search through everyone covered in your area.

I find it more and more difficult to find the motivation to do anything with each passing day. I barely function at work. I haven't been to class in two and a half weeks. I make up excuses to avoid going out whenever friends contact me. I just lie in bed on my laptop all day. Hell, I didn't even leave my house today.

I've also found myself drifting towards reading/watching videos of more macabre subjects, such as disasters, serial killers, etc. I'm not sure where this is coming from but I don't like it.

I'm sorry you're suffering, AGIABS. Have you considered seeking mental health treatment? Also, if you're missing class it's important that you get in touch with your instructors as soon as possible to let them know what's going on.

I haven't no. I'm not sure how to go about that without either paying for it somehow or talking to my prick of a doctor. talking to a therapist wouldn't be easy for me either i;d lock up completely and get stubborn and not talk. I find it hard talking to my best friends about this let alone a prick of a doctor and a complete stranger. Damn Anxiety stops me from doing anything at all that would somehow benefit myself such as going out when invited and on top of that the major self hate and low confidence means i'm pretty much screwed.

I just find it so pointless and i'm beyond any type of help or not worth it.

I can say, confidently, without any doubt, that you are not beyond help and getting help absolutely, definitively is worth it. You should be able to find a list of covered providers through your health insurance - generally they have a website set up where you can search through everyone in your area.

I implore you to look into it. It can be uncomfortable to confront our feelings and to talk about them with people but, ultimately, the only way out of these difficult feelings is to go straight through them. I think of it like trying to get somewhere that's on the other side of a cold, flowing river. I can walk along the banks forever, until I'm eventually straight across from where I need to be, but ultimately I'm going to have to jump in the cold water and swim my heart out for a bit in order to get there.

I can't really complain about my work situation to my mother because she also works for the company and that complicates things. My benefits haven't kicked in so I don't have health insurance yet and can't get into counseling, and even then it's so damn expensive up here (something like $80-100 a session, even on sliding scale). My dating life is non-existent....the last date I went on was with this dude who just did not match political views and that resulted in some confrontation. I met up with someone on grindr (I'm a gay male, BTW) the other day that was so embarrassing and uneventful (story short: we didn't hook up, I just sorta left and drove back home) which is to say that I can't even get that fleeting feeling of self-worth or even just personal enjoyment in something like grindr. When I hang out with friends I often find myself trying to put on a face or just fading into the background because it's exhausting to try and defend myself or explain myself or whatever else...I am not an alcoholic or a drug addict or anything but I find I need a drink or to smoke to take the edge off, and listening to music or something under the influence is basically a way to recharge my batteries. I relish days off, days by myself, pure quiet...I notice myself thinking more and more of suicide...not of actually doing it, but in how I'd be perceived, what people would say, how they'd respond or react (if at all?). It's more of a curiosity than it is a desire to inflict self-harm and I don't think I'm anywhere near being actually suicidal, but the fact that I'm even thinking about it, even in a distant way, is kind of alarming to me and a sign that I need to sort this shit out.

Sorry if that doesn't make much sense, I just need to vent....

Thanks for joining us, ngower - you're free to vent here any time!
When do your benefits kick in? It sounds as though you've got a real malaise and dissatisfaction going on about your situation, and in those sorts of situations therapy can be very, very helpful to unpack what's going on and figure out what really needs to change.

<3

 

[User 479360]

I've been texting back and forth with my best friend who I haven't spoken to in I think several months. I feel really bad because he's been going through some shit too, and here I've been preoccupied with my own issues. It sucks that depression makes it harder to be considerate of others who are also having a hard time. At least, it does for me.

Sounds similar to my friend and I.

I last saw him a year ago (we used to be best friends, but once he met his girlfriend I hardly saw him). He tried to help me when we last hung out, and I guess he's been going through a bad depression too, which I didn't know much about.

Trying to hang out with him again soon. We had planned for tonight, but I've been up all night and may end up passing out.

 

[ngower]

Thanks for joining us, ngower - you're free to vent here any time!
When do your benefits kick in? It sounds as though you've got a real malaise and dissatisfaction going on about your situation, and in those sorts of situations therapy can be very, very helpful to unpack what's going on and figure out what really needs to change.

<3

January (I think). I feel like a whiny baby when I vent because it's so many insignificant or small things, but when bundled together they create this perfect storm of bullshit to deal with. I reached back out to a therapist I was in contact with after writing this post and am trying to schedule something (although the $90 fee is still steep...).

I also decided to pick up some basic hiking gear and plan to go on a hike tomorrow. Not sure it's going to be a solution, and I don't even really care much for the few hikes I've gone on, but I think having that time to process things and get a little blood flowing will be helpful. Worst case scenario, I have a new backpack and some new hiking boots. Best case scenario: it's really helpful.

 

[HvySky]

Do you have any sense of why that half of you doesn't want help?
It could be not wanting to open up, or not wanting things to change (as difficult as they may be) or something else entirely.

It seems like it may really be that fear of rejection, judgement, etc. I talked to someone anonymously yesterday about the issues I've been having. It's not the most ideal and effective route I could immediately take, but the anonymity was comforting and I suppose in a way it was a first step. They helped me realize that maybe one of the reasons I tell myself I don't want help is because of how strongly I judge myself, and how my self-doubt is something I'm projecting onto others, potential future therapists included.

It's a really, really difficulty thing to realize. That other people likely aren't to judge me as harshly as I've been taught to do myself over the past 22 years. It's basically like saying the entire perception of my life and reality isn't actually true. It's surreal.

 

[MisterLuffy]

I'm so useless to my group members, sucks that I'm not creative nor do I have the passion to keep working on the project like they are. I want to do the grocery list part for the app but I couldn't find any examples that would help me. I'm not sure what I have to type to make that happen. Wish I could code or show a bit of interest in coding by putting some time to it but I don't have any motivation.

 

[Kipp]

Been more miserable than usual lately. Can't find pleasure in anything and am in a constant state of mental and physical exhaustion.

I'm always impressed by my perseverance though whenever I remember how long I've been completely depressed and unhappy with my life. Five-ish years of really disliking life in general and I'm still going at it with a certain fervor. I'm not saying this in a prideful way or anything, I'm mostly baffled and astounded.

 

[TheLostBigBoss]

So ummm, this is kinda a first I guess.

I just spent the last month basically bed ridden with what I can only describe as one of the worst bouts of depression I've ever had. Like, missing class, staying in bed for basically all day only getting up to eat a small meal and go to the bathroom.

I was a fucking mess, never felt more horrible in my life.

Then... it was just gone. Now all of a sudden I have a sudden urge to study and do my projects, to socialize and talk to people, just all around far more energetic.

I've dealt with depression in the past, but I'm asking now because my mother is bipolar and my grandmother on my moms side was/is too. I'm in my early 20's, and I've read that this is a common time for it to start to really pop up and show itself.

Do you guys think there is any legitimacy to this?

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

It's a legitimate concern. That does sound like a typical bipolar episode.I would definitely suggest getting screened for bipolarity.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder-in-adults/index.shtml#pub6

Bipolar disorder tends to run in families. Some research has suggested that people with certain genes are more likely to develop bipolar disorder than others. Children with a parent or sibling who has bipolar disorder are much more likely to develop the illness, compared with children who do not have a family history of bipolar disorder. However, most children with a family history of bipolar disorder will not develop the illness.

 

[Bel Marduk]

I want to make it look like it was an accident but in a way that doesn't put other people in danger.

 

[jb1234]

Been more miserable than usual lately. Can't find pleasure in anything and am in a constant state of mental and physical exhaustion.

I'm always impressed by my perseverance though whenever I remember how long I've been completely depressed and unhappy with my life. Five-ish years of really disliking life in general and I'm still going at it with a certain fervor. I'm not saying this in a prideful way or anything, I'm mostly baffled and astounded.

I don't want to take away from your resilience but you'd be surprised how much punishment humans can take and keep ticking.

 

[Beepos]

I want to make it look like it was an accident but in a way that doesn't put other people in danger.

Don't do that. It's a low time I'm sure but things do get better as much as I hate the saying. Plus, think about those who care for you and will know it's not an accident.

 

[Kipp]

I don't want to take away from your resilience but you'd be surprised how much punishment humans can take and keep ticking.

Yeah, for sure. That was more what I was implying rather than implying that I was more resilient than others. It's pretty crazy.
The innate will to stay alive is very strong indeed.

 

[Steamlord]

Feeling particularly lonely and desperate at the moment. Which is weird because I messaged two of my friends today. That's like half of the friends I have. I feel a lot more distant from them than I used to though and the conversations felt more forced. I wish I could distract myself but there are no games I want to play, no movies I want to watch, etc. Trying to work up the willpower to start doing something so maybe I'll become interested once I start. Maybe I'll try to go to sleep just so I don't have to be awake.

 

[Jombie]

I've had a rough few months. The only reason I do anything lately is that I have responsibilities, mainly my daughter, and if not for her, I really don't know whether I would bother anymore. It's always tough this time of year too as I don't have much family, and the family I do have act entirely indifferent towards me. I have way too much time to think and drum up fear and anxiety, which often leads to mild delusion and renders me barely functional.

 

[A Human Becoming]

After I returned from visiting my college friend I felt reinvigorated at the beginning of November. Five weeks later it's seemed to have worn off. Back to my old melancholy, unproductive self.

 

[Zenka]

Hey everyone, I guess I’m new here. I feel really stuck at the moment and have no idea what to do. Maybe someone can guide me from their own personal experience.

For as long as I can remember I have suffered from social anxiety, but honestly it never really bothered me until lately. For most of my life and up to until recently I was entirely content only having a few friends and spending time playing video games and being at home with my family. In fact, it’s really what I preferred and I found social stuff a chore and truly felt happy at home, never really depressed. But just recently after I finished university for the year I feel extremely empty and sad. As I was studying for my exams I wanted nothing more than to play more Fallout 4, but now I have lost all interest in playing it, or any games, for no seemingly no reason. I don’t really know what it is I’m really craving... I guess I *want* to do things, more social things, but I have limited avenues to do so and my anxiety is stopping me in my tracks. I also guess I want to expand my friendship circle and find a partner, which I have attempted slightly, but I feel it’s just presented me with more troubling things to think about.

A couple of days ago I made a dating account with no idea what to expect. I’ve talked to a few nice people, and shared insight into areas I haven’t discussed with others before which is definitely refreshing. But, as a 20 year old gay male I feel like I have no hope. From what I’ve found, it seems like most of the gay community is generally really outgoing, and obviously there is nothing wrong with that, it just doesn’t mesh with what I am at all. Often I feel it would be much easier if I was just straight so I could get access to a larger pool of people and have greater social acceptance, but hell, in the end I would probably be stuck in the same situation anyway. I don’t even know if I really want a partner so much as I want friends I feel closer to and interact with on a deeper level.

Other family members have suffered from social anxiety but all have overcome it. My brother has an insanely large social group and it just makes me feel so useless. So I guess the point of the entire write up is basically asking, where do I go from here? I have a few months of break with pretty much nothing on at the moment. I understand one of the main solutions is to just “get yourself out there” which I don’t disagree with, but I feel I need to take it slowly. If my only real hobby at the moment is gaming, what is the best hobby or club I should join to slowly expand my friends (even this seems like a big step…)? Or perhaps there is a site or application I should go to first to talk with others? I really don’t know, it’s really intimidating and if anyone has some advice it would be fantastic. Or even if you don’t, thanks for reading anyway – writing this out has helped me understand my situation better, hopefully it makes some sense.

I’ve poked my head into this thread a few times and it seems very supportive. Really appreciate the regulars in here that go to great lengths to help others.

 

[redlegs87]

Talked to the therapist about stuff from the past that I am having trouble getting past and moving on. She suggested I write letters to everyone I feel I need to about the issue without sending them just to get it out and hopefully that will help me get over the event.

Usually we have only focused on the here and now but it felt good to delve into the past with my therapist. This session felt much more open and natural then the past ones we've had. Best I've felt after a session in a long time.

 

[Steamlord]

Parents were out so I started to throw together a cocktail to get it over with but I realized they would probably be returning soon and it probably wasn't strong enough anyway so I guess I survive another day

 

[Bel Marduk]

A couple of days ago I made a dating account with no idea what to expect. I’ve talked to a few nice people, and shared insight into areas I haven’t discussed with others before which is definitely refreshing. But, as a 20 year old gay male I feel like I have no hope. From what I’ve found, it seems like most of the gay community is generally really outgoing, and obviously there is nothing wrong with that, it just doesn’t mesh with what I am at all. Often I feel it would be much easier if I was just straight so I could get access to a larger pool of people and have greater social acceptance, but hell, in the end I would probably be stuck in the same situation anyway. I don’t even know if I really want a partner so much as I want friends I feel closer to and interact with on a deeper level.

I have social anxiety pretty badly and I've always found being gay helpful in social situations.. There are quite a few shy gamer gay people, you just have to find them. Obviously the more outgoing and flamboyant of us stand out the most -- because they're more outgoing and flamboyant.

 

[Zenka]

I have social anxiety pretty badly and I've always found being gay helpful in social situations.. There are quite a few shy gamer gay people, you just have to find them. Obviously the more outgoing and flamboyant of us stand out the most -- because they're more outgoing and flamboyant.

Yeah, you're right, I guess this is true.

 

[bronkonagurski]

4 years ago I joined a weight loss group at work and I lost 90 pounds. They did a feature story on the internal company newsletter about me. Now I've gained most of it back and I just feel humiliated every single day at work and I can't look anyone in the eye. They know I've messed it all up and I feel absolutely filthy disgusted with myself. I just keep my head down and hide in a corner at lunch time. I wish I could just work from home and not have to be seen by others.

 

[TheLostBigBoss]

It's a legitimate concern. That does sound like a typical bipolar episode.I would definitely suggest getting screened for bipolarity.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder-in-adults/index.shtml#pub6

I mean, I don't want to be all self diagnose and stuff...

but the last two days I feel like I'm kinda on top of the world, almost. I don't know how to describe it, I just feel really good and really energetic.

This isn't normal, going from 0-100 isn't a normal thing, but in the same breath recognizing it isn't by myself doesn't seem like a normal thing either.

The more I read the more it seems like I'm in the "manic" stage of the swing, but I don't want to self diagnose myself and be that type of asshole. Defiantly gonna try and schedule an appointment with someone during winter break. Maybe even talk to my mother, although I would rather not talk about my mental health with her.

 

[EricTheRed]

Not sure this is really the best place to post this, but does anyone have any experience of getting out of debt? I don't work full time due to university but feel as if I'm at a bit of a crossroads in my life and if I don't sort it now, could risk slipping into a bit of a rut.

 

[jsnepo]

So I gave myself until the end of January next year to sort things out. I plan on leaving my job. I find myself incapable of doing the tasks and responsibilities. Being a manager, I am expected to put up a motivating face but I'm tired of doing that. I feel like I am already losing myself.

With this, I have to put up with the remaining finances that need to be dealt with such as mortgage for a house I don't own nor live in, some credit card debts, hospital fees. I will also be out of medical insurance for me and my wife when I leave work. My contingency is to start a business that I don't have capital with which I plan on getting a loan for. This business is the first time I will be getting a loan for myself and not for anyone else. I'm tired of what I do for a living.

 

[Henkka]

I don't really know if I'm depressed or not... Like, I'm not actively sad, or crying, or anything like that. I don't really feel much at all.

For the few past days, I've had no classes. So I've spent pretty much all my time indoors by myself, browsing the internet. I've no motivation to really do anything. Most mornings I just browse on my phone until I'm so hungry I have to get out of bed. I just don't feel like I care. I don't exercise anymore. Even playing a videogame feels like too much effort compared to mindlessly watching Youtube videos. It's fucking pathetic, but I feel like there's this massive inertia keeping me where I am. I've tried to change, even gotten into pretty good shape once, but I always slide back into this. It's like my natural state.

 

[Piano]

January (I think). I feel like a whiny baby when I vent because it's so many insignificant or small things, but when bundled together they create this perfect storm of bullshit to deal with. I reached back out to a therapist I was in contact with after writing this post and am trying to schedule something (although the $90 fee is still steep...).

I also decided to pick up some basic hiking gear and plan to go on a hike tomorrow. Not sure it's going to be a solution, and I don't even really care much for the few hikes I've gone on, but I think having that time to process things and get a little blood flowing will be helpful. Worst case scenario, I have a new backpack and some new hiking boots. Best case scenario: it's really helpful.

Circumstances are significant if they feel significant to us; at least, that's how I look at it. My problems are significant because they bring me suffering.

How was the hike?

It seems like it may really be that fear of rejection, judgement, etc. I talked to someone anonymously yesterday about the issues I've been having. It's not the most ideal and effective route I could immediately take, but the anonymity was comforting and I suppose in a way it was a first step. They helped me realize that maybe one of the reasons I tell myself I don't want help is because of how strongly I judge myself, and how my self-doubt is something I'm projecting onto others, potential future therapists included.

It's a really, really difficulty thing to realize. That other people likely aren't to judge me as harshly as I've been taught to do myself over the past 22 years. It's basically like saying the entire perception of my life and reality isn't actually true. It's surreal.

Absolutely; nobody judges us as harshly as we judge ourselves, partly because nobody is as intimately familiar with every in and out of our lives as we are, and everyone is too busy judging themselves to cast such a critical eye onto others.

I hope that bit of relief you got from talking to someone gave you some sense of why therapy is helpful, HvySky; I know it's uncomfortable, and I can't give you the magic solution for getting throug that discomfort but I can assure you that it absolutely is worth it and can be so, so, so helpful.

I'm so useless to my group members, sucks that I'm not creative nor do I have the passion to keep working on the project like they are. I want to do the grocery list part for the app but I couldn't find any examples that would help me. I'm not sure what I have to type to make that happen. Wish I could code or show a bit of interest in coding by putting some time to it but I don't have any motivation.

What sorts of things do you have the motivation to do these days, MisterLuffy?
Also, I am very sure that you were not useless to your group members! The end of the semester is always stressful.

I've had a rough few months. The only reason I do anything lately is that I have responsibilities, mainly my daughter, and if not for her, I really don't know whether I would bother anymore. It's always tough this time of year too as I don't have much family, and the family I do have act entirely indifferent towards me. I have way too much time to think and drum up fear and anxiety, which often leads to mild delusion and renders me barely functional.

Have you considered seeking mental health treatment, Jombie? Therapy can be instrumental in helping us understand why we're in a funk and finding a way out of it.

After I returned from visiting my college friend I felt reinvigorated at the beginning of November. Five weeks later it's seemed to have worn off. Back to my old melancholy, unproductive self.

Do you have any sense of what's changed, internally, AHB?

Other family members have suffered from social anxiety but all have overcome it. My brother has an insanely large social group and it just makes me feel so useless. So I guess the point of the entire write up is basically asking, where do I go from here? I have a few months of break with pretty much nothing on at the moment. I understand one of the main solutions is to just &#8220;get yourself out there&#8221; which I don&#8217;t disagree with, but I feel I need to take it slowly. If my only real hobby at the moment is gaming, what is the best hobby or club I should join to slowly expand my friends (even this seems like a big step&#8230? Or perhaps there is a site or application I should go to first to talk with others? I really don&#8217;t know, it&#8217;s really intimidating and if anyone has some advice it would be fantastic. Or even if you don&#8217;t, thanks for reading anyway &#8211; writing this out has helped me understand my situation better, hopefully it makes some sense.

I&#8217;ve poked my head into this thread a few times and it seems very supportive. Really appreciate the regulars in here that go to great lengths to help others.

Thanks for joining us, Zenka!

Everyone's advice is going to vary, but you've got the right idea - it's good to get out into places where you're interacting with a group of people, if not to make friends to at least learn from the social experience. As far as what sorts of groups you should join, well, that really depends on what you're interested in. There certainly are plenty of groups based around video games (and board games, and tabletop games, etc) but beyond that there are, well, infinite possibilities. Some options I considered were joining a rock climbing club (it's fun!), joining a meditation class, volunteering, social dances, and doing community theater. Those options may or may not work for you, and it's very likely you're interested in some things that didn't appeal to me for whatever reason. There's also meetup.com, which chronicles various local social events. I don't know that there's necessarily a "wrong" answer here - once you start doing something if you don't like it you can stop and move on to the next thing, until you find a nice little niche (or two).

The anxiety does make everything difficult, that's for sure. Have you ever sought treatment for your anxiety, Zenka?

Talked to the therapist about stuff from the past that I am having trouble getting past and moving on. She suggested I write letters to everyone I feel I need to about the issue without sending them just to get it out and hopefully that will help me get over the event.

Usually we have only focused on the here and now but it felt good to delve into the past with my therapist. This session felt much more open and natural then the past ones we've had. Best I've felt after a session in a long time.

I'm so glad to hear that you had a productive appointment, redlegs! I definitely agree with writing letters - I got that suggestion a few years ago and have felt it immensely helpful when I've got unresolved feelings with a person. I've written dozens of letters and sent precisely zero of them, but it still helps every time.

Parents were out so I started to throw together a cocktail to get it over with but I realized they would probably be returning soon and it probably wasn't strong enough anyway so I guess I survive another day

Steamlord, if you're considering harming yourself please, please seek emergency mental health treatment at a local ER, call 1 (800) 273-8255 or both. Loneliness is misery, but it can be overcome. I hope you keep us posted and let us know if there's anything we can do.

I want to make it look like it was an accident but in a way that doesn't put other people in danger.

Ditto what I said above, Bel Marduk. (1 (800) 273-8255 or emergency care!). What has put you in such a tough place?

4 years ago I joined a weight loss group at work and I lost 90 pounds. They did a feature story on the internal company newsletter about me. Now I've gained most of it back and I just feel humiliated every single day at work and I can't look anyone in the eye. They know I've messed it all up and I feel absolutely filthy disgusted with myself. I just keep my head down and hide in a corner at lunch time. I wish I could just work from home and not have to be seen by others.

Like I said above, bronkonagurski, I can assure you that nobody casts as critical of a eye on any one of us as we do on ourselves. I am certain that the people you are surrounded with on a daily basis are not judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself (or perceiving their judgment) - we simply don't have the time or space in mind in this life to be that critical of others, especially since we're so busy focusing on our own shortcomings all of the time.

That being said, that feeling of inadequacy, of thinking everyone is judging you is no joke. Have you considered speaking to a therapist about these feelings?

I mean, I don't want to be all self diagnose and stuff...

but the last two days I feel like I'm kinda on top of the world, almost. I don't know how to describe it, I just feel really good and really energetic.

This isn't normal, going from 0-100 isn't a normal thing, but in the same breath recognizing it isn't by myself doesn't seem like a normal thing either.

The more I read the more it seems like I'm in the "manic" stage of the swing, but I don't want to self diagnose myself and be that type of asshole. Defiantly gonna try and schedule an appointment with someone during winter break. Maybe even talk to my mother, although I would rather not talk about my mental health with her.

I would really, really, really recommend making an appointment with a psychiatrist or comparable mental health treatment services, TLBB.

Not sure this is really the best place to post this, but does anyone have any experience of getting out of debt? I don't work full time due to university but feel as if I'm at a bit of a crossroads in my life and if I don't sort it now, could risk slipping into a bit of a rut.

I haven't got any experience to offer, EricTheRed, but there must be plenty of knowledgeable folks in the OT that would likely respond to a thread. There's also a Personal Finance reddit that I've seen dole out good advice from time to time.

So I gave myself until the end of January next year to sort things out. I plan on leaving my job. I find myself incapable of doing the tasks and responsibilities. Being a manager, I am expected to put up a motivating face but I'm tired of doing that. I feel like I am already losing myself.

With this, I have to put up with the remaining finances that need to be dealt with such as mortgage for a house I don't own nor live in, some credit card debts, hospital fees. I will also be out of medical insurance for me and my wife when I leave work. My contingency is to start a business that I don't have capital with which I plan on getting a loan for. This business is the first time I will be getting a loan for myself and not for anyone else. I'm tired of what I do for a living.

I hope you're able to find some peace and space of mind in the next bit of time to figure out what your next steps should be, jsnepo. Feel free to keep us posted.

I don't really know if I'm depressed or not... Like, I'm not actively sad, or crying, or anything like that. I don't really feel much at all.

For the few past days, I've had no classes. So I've spent pretty much all my time indoors by myself, browsing the internet. I've no motivation to really do anything. Most mornings I just browse on my phone until I'm so hungry I have to get out of bed. I just don't feel like I care. I don't exercise anymore. Even playing a videogame feels like too much effort compared to mindlessly watching Youtube videos. It's fucking pathetic, but I feel like there's this massive inertia keeping me where I am. I've tried to change, even gotten into pretty good shape once, but I always slide back into this. It's like my natural state.

First of all, I really, really, really recommend you get out of your room, Henkka, even if it's just to take a walk outside for half an hour or to go to a cafe. Walks, in particular, really help me clear my head when I'm in a rut, and are actually proven by research to help in these sorts of situations.

Second, if this is your default state, the question is, well, why? And furthermore, what can be done to change that default state a bit?
Of course, those questions are difficult to answer right off the bad. Have you considered seeking therapy?

<3

 

[Kwixotik]

i wrote a verse. first creative thing ive written in like a year and a half that wasn't absolute dogshit. feels good, probably will never use it or show it to anyone though.

 

[jb1234]

This is a really bad night. The pain is extremely severe and I'm trying to do everything I can to distract myself but it's not really working and I'm a crying mess. I've doubled up on Vicodin and even took an edible and now I'm just a stoned, loopy mess instead of a sober one. I keep telling myself during the worst days (which are now more common than "okay" ones) that I can't take this anymore but I somehow keep going, despite the lack of hope or anything to look forward to. I just feel there's been a heavy price and the person I am now isn't really someone I recognize or particularly like. I've been too sick to make my bed, much less make a very overdue appointment with my doctor (to talk about therapy options).

We all talk about our mental health in this thread (for obvious reasons) but I strongly advise that no one takes their physical health for granted.

 

[User 479360]

I was doing better for a while, but now things are playing on my mind and my conscience and I haven't had much energy whatsoever. I'm sleeping a lot, too tired to do what I want to do (even play video games) and pissing my father off due to it.

I started Trintellix the other week, and it may be partly responsible for the fatigue. I slept for 12 hours last night, got up and just want to sleep more. I'm tired, can't 'wake up' and have limited interest or energy.

Also, I had issues with my Xbox and had to ask for a replacement, but the one they sent had a loose fan and was making a cricket-like noise that I was able to find online. I asked for another exchange, but now the one they sent me was kind of dirty (dust and dirt under the front faceplate, visible in the crack, and has sticky residue on the front). Plus, it doesn't sound right.

I don't want one that's not perfect. It's not my fault I had to send my new one away because the sound cut out. I don't want a flawed console I can't be proud of/will bug me constantly.

Plus, I'm dealing with a moral dilemma that could be making me feel tired and wanting to avoid life. Everytime I think of it it makes me feel sick.

 

[Ash Sparrow]

My friend Jessica did a Ted Talk called How to get stuff done when you are depressed

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njESlZa2b10

Please consider liking it if you find it useful. I thought this would be a good place to post it, she's trying to get more thumbs up to get the video more visibility to help more people. The kind folks at GAF once helped her place number 2 for a Wego health award.

 

[Escape Goat]

I would recommend people have blood work done at your doctor. I have it done during my physical. It turns out I have a Vitamin D deficiency which realky impacts your mood/energy level. And with the winter months here and we start receivibg less sunlight you might have problems.

Additionally, low vitamin d levels have recently proven to cause mental problems later in life.

 

[User 479360]

I would recommend people have blood work done at your doctor. I have it done during my physical. It turns out I have a Vitamin D deficiency which realky impacts your mood/energy level. And with the winter months here and we start receivibg less sunlight you might have problems.

Additionally, low vitamin d levels have recently proven to cause mental problems later in life.

I had bloodwork done about a year ago, to be checked for lupus, but all he said was that it was closer to gout than lupus. Probably all the pop I drink to try to wake myself up.

 

[Ash Sparrow]

"Additionally, low vitamin d levels have recently proven to cause mental problems later in life."

Yikes don't think I'd ever heard this before

 

[redlegs87]

I would recommend people have blood work done at your doctor. I have it done during my physical. It turns out I have a Vitamin D deficiency which realky impacts your mood/energy level. And with the winter months here and we start receivibg less sunlight you might have problems.

Additionally, low vitamin d levels have recently proven to cause mental problems later in life.

Yeah when I had my blood work done I was vitamin D deficient. Started taking a pill a week and noticed a boost in energy levels.

 

[Escape Goat]

"Additionally, low vitamin d levels have recently proven to cause mental problems later in life."

Yikes don't think I'd ever heard this before

Its been fairly recent studies that have concluded this. Thats why my doc wanted me to get on suplements to boost my levels now before it became a problem later on.

http://www.npr.org/sections/health-...ine-moves-faster-in-people-with-low-vitamin-d

 

[Xe4]

Hey Mental Health gaf, I guess it's my first tin here, although I lurked often and have made several attempts at posting but have never been happy with them.

Today was the closest I've ever come to killimg myself. I have recently become more and more depressed, to the point where I have stopped caring about my life. Normally I just think about suicide but today I drilled a hole in my belt so I could use it to suffocate myself.

Then I threw it away and decided that I would jump off a cliff to kill myself instead. I went and drove all the way to the cliffs in nothing but my jeans, my sweatshirt with no shirt underneath and my shoes with no socks.

What stopped me was that it was a long walk to the cliffs and if I did no jump I was afraid I would not be able to find my truck and I would die of hypothermia, and that to me is scary.

I don't think I would have actually jumped. I don't have the guts to, but this sets a bad precident. I don't want to hurt those around me, but sometimes I just don't care anymore and just want to no longer go through life

I'm going on medication hopefully on Monday and I hope it helps.

 

[Cindi Mayweather]

Deleted

 

[Cindi Mayweather]

Deleted

 

[MisterLuffy]

What sorts of things do you have the motivation to do these days, MisterLuffy?
Also, I am very sure that you were not useless to your group members! The end of the semester is always stressful.

I think my family is part of my motivation? I would've called it quits when I figured that I don't belong in this major. It wouldn't matter whether it's too late for me to switch majors since I don't have any interest in majoring other fields, so I can only go forward with this major.

Working at my job is getting exhausting, and I also want to call it quits since I'm getting sick of working there. Holidays are the worst when it comes to working at a retail store. My motivation could be money...

Also, I rather be doing something than being a catch potato for the rest of my life.

I only did one part for the project and that's it. I mean I do show up to meetings but doesn't mean I'm any useful. I couldn't even come up with a UI design that would make the app clear. I'm not creative.

Whenever I'm negative or saying things like "I'm a failure, I'm going to fail this class, I suck at coding, ..." Even a friend replied to me stating "What do you want me to say?" and my friend was right. It's like I want people to tell me things that will make me feel better even though its just lip service.

It's hard to stay positive when there are things you can't do because of lack of knowledge and lack of interest.

 

[PsihoPerihelion]

My younger brother suffered from depression years ago. He recovered and got well, but still had some panic attacks here and there. He's getting married next year with a wonderful gal but he has always being insecure. Now, every now and then he starts crying saying that the Girl is going to leave him. He treats to kill himself. The other day he cut his hands and today, he was running from home with a tie on his hands to hang himself off.

I'm so desperate about this. He doesn't care about getting help. He even denies having a problem. He doesn't want to talk about the problem. I've suffered for years because of his depression and the fear of him commiting suicide. I'm getting into a point where I just want to kill myself. I can't live like this any longer. I can't continue to see my brother like this. I just can't live like this anymore. I'm reaching that point where I don't fear about killing myself. I could get help but it would't work, because I'm not the main problem.

 

[A Human Becoming]

For some reason I'm very aggitated and miserable this late evening. Freaked out when I saw how low my prescribed drugs were at, especially since I had told my psychiatrist at a prior session recently I did not seem to have enough, which he responded that he had prescribed plenty. I'll have to call him tomorrow, which I don't really want to do. I hate dealing with people, especially over the phone.

Life is just a huge pain. Right now I wish the mental barrier preventing a suicide attempt would break so I could finally go through with it. Being up for over 6 years has not done me much good. I'm still in a shitty place with little to show for it. Just so tired of this life.

 

[chiimisu]

I'm in a really bad place emotionally. I hate my school. I thought this was what I dreamt of since I was 12 years old, but it turns out not every dream is worth pursuing. I can't do anything about it, and the only way to change the situation is to wait another 1,5-2 years. I'm a nervous wreck and I want to start cutting myself again. I have to pretend normal for my SO and mother (especially mother) but I don't know how long I could last.

 

[Tapejara]

Have you discussed the options with your doctor, Tapejara? Perhaps you could take a lower dose of Abilify (it can be quite effective even at lower doses) or add something to treat the anxiety. Panic attacks are rough - I'm sorry you're having to go through that.

Do you feel the Abilify has upped your anger / irritability?

I feel bad because I meant to reply to this post, but it totally slipped my mind.

Thankfully yeah, I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we spoke about the medication. She said that it likely wasn't the Abilify causing my increased anxiety, but rather it was the decrease in Risperidone. So we've bumped the Reisperidone back up to its old dosage, and hopefully that'll help curb things.

I've been in a better mood these past few days though. I've still got to get my sleep schedule on track (slept from 5pm to 9pm yesterday, and it's now 5:30am and I have yet to fall back asleep), but I'm a lot more optimistic than I was two weeks ago.

 

[MikeDip]

Nervous

 

[jb1234]

My younger brother suffered from depression years ago. He recovered and got well, but still had some panic attacks here and there. He's getting married next year with a wonderful gal but he has always being insecure. Now, every now and then he starts crying saying that the Girl is going to leave him. He treats to kill himself. The other day he cut his hands and today, he was running from home with a tie on his hands to hang himself off.

I'm so desperate about this. He doesn't care about getting help. He even denies having a problem. He doesn't want to talk about the problem. I've suffered for years because of his depression and the fear of him commiting suicide. I'm getting into a point where I just want to kill myself. I can't live like this any longer. I can't continue to see my brother like this. I just can't live like this anymore. I'm reaching that point where I don't fear about killing myself. I could get help but it would't work, because I'm not the main problem.

Your brother's depression is its own problem. Right now, you need to focus on getting yours treated. That way, you can be a better help to him.

Nervous

What's up, Mikey?