Traveling around seeing family this week and next so my responses may be a bit more sporadic.
i wrote a verse. first creative thing ive written in like a year and a half that wasn't absolute dogshit. feels good, probably will never use it or show it to anyone though.
What's important is that it feels, good, Kwixotik. At least, that's my opinion. I hope you're able to keep that good feeling going, some way or another
This is a really bad night. The pain is extremely severe and I'm trying to do everything I can to distract myself but it's not really working and I'm a crying mess. I've doubled up on Vicodin and even took an edible and now I'm just a stoned, loopy mess instead of a sober one. I keep telling myself during the worst days (which are now more common than "okay" ones) that I can't take this anymore but I somehow keep going, despite the lack of hope or anything to look forward to. I just feel there's been a heavy price and the person I am now isn't really someone I recognize or particularly like. I've been too sick to make my bed, much less make a very overdue appointment with my doctor (to talk about therapy options).
We all talk about our mental health in this thread (for obvious reasons) but I strongly advise that no one takes their physical health for granted.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough spell, jb. I hope you're able to find it in you to make that appointment this week, I really, honestly, truly, absolutely believe that that is a strong step toward finding some relief. You are a wonderful person, whether you can recognize that every day or not; that is my sincere opinion, whether you agree or not!
Keep me / us posted. You're in my thoughts.
I was doing better for a while, but now things are playing on my mind and my conscience and I haven't had much energy whatsoever. I'm sleeping a lot, too tired to do what I want to do (even play video games) and pissing my father off due to it.
I started Trintellix the other week, and it may be partly responsible for the fatigue. I slept for 12 hours last night, got up and just want to sleep more. I'm tired, can't 'wake up' and have limited interest or energy.
Also, I had issues with my Xbox and had to ask for a replacement, but the one they sent had a loose fan and was making a cricket-like noise that I was able to find online. I asked for another exchange, but now the one they sent me was kind of dirty (dust and dirt under the front faceplate, visible in the crack, and has sticky residue on the front). Plus, it doesn't sound right.
I don't want one that's not perfect. It's not my fault I had to send my new one away because the sound cut out. I don't want a flawed console I can't be proud of/will bug me constantly.
Plus, I'm dealing with a moral dilemma that could be making me feel tired and wanting to avoid life. Everytime I think of it it makes me feel sick.
I don't know much about Trintellix, Chewie, but that sounds like some
major fatigue, so please be sure to mention it to your doctor at your next appointment or even sooner if it continues being an issue.
I hope in the intervening days you've been able to find some clarity on your moral dilemma.
Hey Mental Health gaf, I guess it's my first tin here, although I lurked often and have made several attempts at posting but have never been happy with them.
Today was the closest I've ever come to killimg myself. I have recently become more and more depressed, to the point where I have stopped caring about my life. Normally I just think about suicide but today I drilled a hole in my belt so I could use it to suffocate myself.
Then I threw it away and decided that I would jump off a cliff to kill myself instead. I went and drove all the way to the cliffs in nothing but my jeans, my sweatshirt with no shirt underneath and my shoes with no socks.
What stopped me was that it was a long walk to the cliffs and if I did no jump I was afraid I would not be able to find my truck and I would die of hypothermia, and that to me is scary.
I don't think I would have actually jumped. I don't have the guts to, but this sets a bad precident. I don't want to hurt those around me, but sometimes I just don't care anymore and just want to no longer go through life
I'm going on medication hopefully on Monday and I hope it helps.
Xe4,
If you are thinking of hurting yourself, please, please seek emergency mental health care immediately, call a hotline (1 (800) 273-8255) or both. In situations where a life is on the line there's nothing to lose in giving treatment a chance. Are you receiving consistent mental health treatment, or is your medication through your GP?
I think my family is part of my motivation? I would've called it quits when I figured that I don't belong in this major. It wouldn't matter whether it's too late for me to switch majors since I don't have any interest in majoring other fields, so I can only go forward with this major.
Working at my job is getting exhausting, and I also want to call it quits since I'm getting sick of working there. Holidays are the worst when it comes to working at a retail store. My motivation could be money...
Also, I rather be doing something than being a catch potato for the rest of my life.
I only did one part for the project and that's it. I mean I do show up to meetings but doesn't mean I'm any useful. I couldn't even come up with a UI design that would make the app clear. I'm not creative.
Whenever I'm negative or saying things like "I'm a failure, I'm going to fail this class, I suck at coding, ..." Even a friend replied to me stating "What do you want me to say?" and my friend was right. It's like I want people to tell me things that will make me feel better even though its just lip service.
It's hard to stay positive when there are things you can't do because of lack of knowledge and lack of interest.
Well, MisterLuffy, I don't know what to offer other than my perspective, which I hope you can trust is not lip service. It is how I honestly, truly, sincerely feel.
I rarely think of it as a matter of just "staying positive". Yes, over our lifetimes, it's important to learn how to cultivate a positive perspective on things - that is something we're always working on. But from everything you've written, everything I've read, I don't think it's simply a matter of saying "I NEED TO THINK MORE POSITIVELY", forcing yourself to do so and then being happily content. I know I've harped on this many, many times, but it seems most important that you learn, first and foremost, to be gentle with yourself, to figure out why you despise yourself as much as you do and go about working on trying to slowly change that. In nearly every sentence of your post you're being unreasonably harsh on yourself - I hope you can see that as you reread it! Just because you're having trouble in school, or don't enjoy your job all the time, or have friends who don't always know what advice to give does not make you a failure. At all. Yet I can tell you this a million times and it won't override your own opinion of the situation; ultimately, some relief will have to come from within.
That takes a sort of intense self-reflection and learning that I've only been able to cultivate in a therapy setting. I know so much of my advice comes down to "try therapy!" but it really, really, truly can be so transformative to look at how we think and function and actually work at improving it, rather than just functioning under our strict rules and suffering.
For now, I hope you can believe me for at least a moment that you are not a failure. This is your first try at life, same as everyone else, and so finding interests, or figuring out jobs, or what have you, is going to take trial and error. And that is totally okay.
My younger brother suffered from depression years ago. He recovered and got well, but still had some panic attacks here and there. He's getting married next year with a wonderful gal but he has always being insecure. Now, every now and then he starts crying saying that the Girl is going to leave him. He treats to kill himself. The other day he cut his hands and today, he was running from home with a tie on his hands to hang himself off.
I'm so desperate about this. He doesn't care about getting help. He even denies having a problem. He doesn't want to talk about the problem. I've suffered for years because of his depression and the fear of him commiting suicide. I'm getting into a point where I just want to kill myself. I can't live like this any longer. I can't continue to see my brother like this. I just can't live like this anymore. I'm reaching that point where I don't fear about killing myself. I could get help but it would't work, because I'm not the main problem.
I agree with what jb said, PP. You should do what you can for your brother, absolutely, but you must,
must look after your own health and well-being, including getting help when you need it. Have you considered mental health treatment?
For some reason I'm very aggitated and miserable this late evening. Freaked out when I saw how low my prescribed drugs were at, especially since I had told my psychiatrist at a prior session recently I did not seem to have enough, which he responded that he had prescribed plenty. I'll have to call him tomorrow, which I don't really want to do. I hate dealing with people, especially over the phone.
Life is just a huge pain. Right now I wish the mental barrier preventing a suicide attempt would break so I could finally go through with it. Being up for over 6 years has not done me much good. I'm still in a shitty place with little to show for it. Just so tired of this life.
I'm sorry to hear you're in such a tough place, AHB. Why, if I may ask, do you hate dealing with people? I hope you were able to get your medications sorted out.
I'm in a really bad place emotionally. I hate my school. I thought this was what I dreamt of since I was 12 years old, but it turns out not every dream is worth pursuing. I can't do anything about it, and the only way to change the situation is to wait another 1,5-2 years. I'm a nervous wreck and I want to start cutting myself again. I have to pretend normal for my SO and mother (especially mother) but I don't know how long I could last.
Why do you feel the need to pretend around your SO and mother, chiimisu? In difficult times it's important that we have others to open up to and offer us understanding. I hope things look up soon.
I feel bad because I meant to reply to this post, but it totally slipped my mind.
Thankfully yeah, I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we spoke about the medication. She said that it likely wasn't the Abilify causing my increased anxiety, but rather it was the decrease in Risperidone. So we've bumped the Reisperidone back up to its old dosage, and hopefully that'll help curb things.
I've been in a better mood these past few days though. I've still got to get my sleep schedule on track (slept from 5pm to 9pm yesterday, and it's now 5:30am and I have yet to fall back asleep), but I'm a lot more optimistic than I was two weeks ago.
No worries, Tapejara!
I've had good experiences with Risperidone, so I hope it works for you. I agree that sleep schedule should be a priority - I feel much better when I've got a semi-consistent, semi-healthy sleep schedule versus when I'm a night owl.
I think i'm being a little too hard on myself right now. I just finished my math final, got a 80% on it and a B overall in class. Before my last test I was sitting at an A- but my 64% test dropped me to a B- before the final.
This is my second semester back after a 2 year break and I just wanted to come back strong. I wanted that A-. I thought I tried hard enough to get one but I didn't. I'm just walking around bummed, head hanging low after finding this out. It's mostly bothering me because I was never into school really until recently. Over the Summer semester is when I told myself I'm going to try, try and try but I came up short. I'm going to end up with an A- in my english course but I don't think I'll be in a better mood until I actually see it posted.
Sigh, there's always next semester to try harder.
You are being very hard on yourself, Daria! A B- is a very solid grade, especially considering the circumstances. Hopefully your english grade can lift your spirits some.
Life has been killing me lately... Seems like no matter what I do I can't win.
Work too much? Exhausted and depressed.
Have too much free time? Bored and depressed.
Sleep too little? Tired and depressed.
Sleep too much? Feeling lazy and depressed.
Seems like everything in my life is a no-win scenario.
In January I plan to start applying for new jobs out of state though. I'm mostly looking forward to just working one 40-hour-a-week job instead of two jobs that add up to 60-70 hours a week.
All this shit is getting so hard to handle though. Life is just miserable through and through.
Kipp, it seems to me that the only common ground between all of those situations is, well, perception itself, how we interface with our moment to moment experience and understand our daily lives. So it would seem to me that that's what needs to change most presently. What that change looks like can vary, though; I hope you're able to find success in your job search. As always, I do think therapy, at some point, could be helpful (sorry if I've gotten annoying with that recommendation!)
In the mean time I hope your week, thus far, has smoothed out a bit, even slightly.
Need advice on what to take.
First off, shrink once upon a time told me to get xanax, can't see new one now since I'm living in foreign country and it would be a pain.
Basically I have anxiety. It fucks me up completely, whenever I find something that I can be anxious about it kicks in, sometimes easy sometimes hard like these days. What happens besides constantly being nervous and not being able to focus or do anything is sometimes it causes depression and sometimes rage. I have bad anger issues when it happens, it's close to kill or be killed and I truly believe I could act on it in fit of rage. So I need something to calm me, make the anxiety and all the shit that it comes with go away.
I know xanax is short term solution due to dependence and it's effects lessening with time, so what else can I do without some serious side effects?
I think weed would probably be a good bet but I really would like to avoid smoking(been one of my core principles to avoid it like plague), plus the smell, it being kinda illegal etc but I haven't read too much into using it for this.
Well, Xanax is tremendously effective, demented, but it only lasts about 3 hours, which makes it useful mostly for short term anxiety situations. There are other benzodiazepines that last longer (Klonopin lasts 6) which can be useful, but if anxiety is a daily or constant thing it's usually better to find a maintenance medication that can be taken every day and have a constant effect. Options include SSRIs and Buspirone.
I think it's important to consult with a psychiatrist; I know you said it's a pain, but that pain is probably worth it in this circumstance. Is there a psychiatrist available locally?
I fucking hate life right now (not sure if I ever liked it to be honest). People say that when you get a job it gets better, but I feel that they're feeding me bullshit. Have a temp job now in a warehouse but it's boring as shit and 90% of the people there are like 40-50 and I can't relate to them at all. There are only like 3 poeple that seem to be my age there and I don't click with pretty much all of them. There's a cute girl there but I don't get the chance to talk to her as I'm working in an entirely different department to her and I obviously can't go AWOL when on duty.
Missed out on a lot of the fun of being an undergrad due to social anxiety and just hating myself in general. Had to live by myself in my 3rd and final year and basically became a miserable almost-shutin for several months. Such a fucking waste, the expensive piece of paper you get is almost worthless in real life without experience either. Having to listen to my family members' "Congratulations!" is so grating. If they knew how I felt or even understood how I feel like I wasted my time there they wouldn't be saying that. "You did it!" Yeah, fuck off.
I can't win, it seems. Everything is shit and I can do fuck all about it.
My mood every day can be summed up in one word= miserable.
RP, I'm sorry things seem so dire and hopeless right now. As I've said before, we can only start from this moment and work forwards, and luckily there are still many, many possibilities available from this point forward (yes, I truly, truly believe that). Sorry if you've already mentioned this, but have you considered seeking mental health counseling?
Just started on Wellbutrin for the first time in 7 years.
My depression manifests itself through physical pain and I'm on quite the bad streak.
I'm wide awake.
I hope the Wellbutrin works for you, EBF. It can cause some sleep troubles at first but you should adjust in time.
My circumstances are on the up and up at the moment, finally. After getting fired then withering in my own despair for 4 months, I have a new job which suits me pretty well, so the year won't be a total loss. However my depression is now manifesting itself as anxiety instead.
Can't win.
I find it interesting, Machina, that you described a "win" in your post (your new job) yet it's ignored when you connect the dots for your conclusion (that you can't win). I hope you see that we're able to connect the dots in several different ways at any given time - not that you can change that instinct immediately, but it's worth considering!
I hope everything is alright, CM. Let us know if there's anything we can do.
<3
