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[Sheriff_Battlesnake]

4 days without a drink, a binge, or a purge. Between my alcohol abuse and my near decade of bulimia... I think this is the longest I've gone in years.

I'm getting back on my anti-depressants and ADHD medicine, which I just stopped refilling half a year ago because of lethargy. I think things are looking up...


I think the root of my depression is in a failure complex from such a late diagnoses of my ADHD and the extremely high standards of my upper class parents that I feel like I'm not going to meet.

 

[The Wall]

4 days without a drink, a binge, or a purge. Between my alcohol abuse and my near decade of bulimia... I think this is the longest I've gone in years.

I'm getting back on my anti-depressants and ADHD medicine, which I just stopped refilling half a year ago because of lethargy. I think things are looking up...


I think the root of my depression is in a failure complex from such a late diagnoses of my ADHD and the extremely high standards of my upper class parents that I feel like I'm not going to meet.

This... all sounds very good! Awesome!

 

[MultiJhonny]

4 days without a drink, a binge, or a purge. Between my alcohol abuse and my near decade of bulimia... I think this is the longest I've gone in years.

I'm getting back on my anti-depressants and ADHD medicine, which I just stopped refilling half a year ago because of lethargy. I think things are looking up...


I think the root of my depression is in a failure complex from such a late diagnoses of my ADHD and the extremely high standards of my upper class parents that I feel like I'm not going to meet.

Just be careful and be mindful of your body when quitting cold turkey if your alcohol abuse is/was as bad as you have said. Alcohol withdrawals are no joke.

But glad to hear that everything is getting better for you!

 

[The Wall]

 

[GalacticToast]

Well, I'm drinking again. I can't seem to get away for any meaningful amount of time. I'll go a day or two but I always come right back, drinking by myself. What am I doing with my life?

 

[Xe4]

So I went to the doctors office to get a physical done. I was in very good condition according to the doctor.

I also got a blood test done. There were two results marked with an "H", one was my LDL, which was 102, within a range of <100, so I'm not too worried. I just have to watch my diet a little better. I slack off during the school year and that needs to stop. My TSH was a bit high according to them as well, although they seemed to have a rather narrow range. My TSH was 3.83 with a range of 3.58 - 3.74. I'm not too worried, as my hospital seems to have a range that is lower than most (.5 - 5.0), but hypothyroidism, runs in my family (my mom has it really bad, and my grandmother had it as well).

I guess it could be possible that it may be a factor in my depression, but I'm not sure. Does anyone know if I should get my T3 and T4 levels checked? I guess I am not really sure. Does the doctor or nurse contact you every time you get marked with an "H", or is it only in cases where it is excessive. I've never had any sort of experience with this thing before.

In other news, I'm gong to see my CBT therapist on Monday and my Psychiatrist on Tuesday to hopefully get on medication, so I'm "looking forward" to that.

Thanks for any help anyone can provide in the matter. : )

 

[Dartastic]

Man. I take an antidepressant that works super well for me, but sometimes I get some crazy acid reflux after taking it that lasts for hours. Anyone else go through that? It really hurts.

 

[User 479360]

How do you guys manage dealing with ignorant family when you're forced to be around each other?

I normally try to avoid my Mom's side of the family, because the majority of them in our immediate circle are very ignorant and condescending, and I know that they talk down about me. I'm not successful like them, still live at home and have issues that aren't evident like physical disabilities, so to them I'm lazy and a piece of shit.

I help out at home with disabled family members every day, and multiple times per day, yet they think of me as being lazy and useless. Of course, do they ever come to visit said family members? No. We've always had to make the trek to see them.

My Grandmother -- who used to live with us -- is currently in ICU, and things aren't looking good. We had to have a family meeting today, to decide on what to do, and are going to be taking her off ventilator support and praying that her lungs will be able to support her, though it's very unlikely unfortunately. She's in her later 80s and has had COPD for years.

After we had the real discussion, someone noticed that the tree in the room there had had its ornaments removed, but had not been taken down fully. One of my parents -- who's disabled -- commented about how ours hadn't come down yet, but we've been busy. I said I'd cleaned all of my stuff out from around it, and then got the condescending comments under their breath about how I hadn't taken it down.

I don't know how, had removed what I knew had a destination, cleaned up the wrapping paper and was waiting for my other parent to start so that I could help them. None of the stuff leftover was mine.

But, of course, all I could say was that I didn't know where stuff went, which made things worse.

I hate my family sometimes.

 

[redlegs87]

How do you guys manage dealing with ignorant family when you're forced to be around each other?

I normally try to avoid my Mom's side of the family, because the majority of them in our immediate circle are very ignorant and condescending, and I know that they talk down about me. I'm not successful like them, still live at home and have issues that aren't evident like physical disabilities, so to them I'm lazy and a piece of shit.

I help out at home with disabled family members every day, and multiple times per day, yet they think of me as being lazy and useless. Of course, do they ever come to visit said family members? No. We've always had to make the trek to see them.

My Grandmother -- who used to live with us -- is currently in ICU, and things aren't looking good. We had to have a family meeting today, to decide on what to do, and are going to be taking her off ventilator support and praying that her lungs will be able to support her, though it's very unlikely unfortunately. She's in her later 80s and has had COPD for years.

After we had the real discussion, someone noticed that the tree in the room there had had its ornaments removed, but had not been taken down fully. One of my parents -- who's disabled -- commented about how ours hadn't come down yet, but we've been busy. I said I'd cleaned all of my stuff out from around it, and then got the condescending comments under their breath about how I hadn't taken it down.

I don't know how, had removed what I knew had a destination, cleaned up the wrapping paper and was waiting for my other parent to start so that I could help them. None of the stuff leftover was mine.

But, of course, all I could say was that I didn't know where stuff went, which made things worse.

I hate my family.

I have kind of a similar situation with my extended family. Since I am older and still live at home and don't have a job currently I get looked down on. I also happen to be overweight and am always told I should lose weight so I am trying for once and I told my aunt this and she said in a sarcastic tone "Oh a diet....really?" I just had to brush it off even though it pissed me off. The best thing you can do is just keep contact to a minimum and not let what they say get to you very much. If anything speak up and tell them how they are making you feel and that they need to just keep their opinions to themselves.

 

[Piano]

The pain that's been brewing at my back has finally become chronic and, though not a nightmare, has killed my old self. Nothing really gives me the same joy anymore and where I was always attempting to never be a burden to anyone, now I just feel like anyone who can't tolerate me or who I can't tolerate can fuck off. My life's now just a balance between possible pain killer addiction and a spiraling depression caused by this constant pain.

That sounds really tough, EK, I'm sorry you're having to go through that. I can't speak from experience about the chronic pain issues, but I'm guessing you've already seen medical specialists and the such?
I don't think the depression must necessarily be endless, though. It is inevitable that physical health takes a toll on mental health (and vice versa) but there are mental health treatment options out there specifically for those in pain, which can work in conjunction with medications. Do you have any sense if there are some options like that around you?

Well today I said screw it, ended up calling and scheduling an appointment with the neurologist who put me on it. Took a pill and two hours lately the headaches, nausea, everything went away. Guess I'll have a lot to ask him when I see him.

I'm glad you made the appointment, Joco. Withdrawals can be rough especially when coming off cold turkey. It varies medication to medication and person to person, but generally it's possible to get off SSRIs (relatively) smoothly when tapering, other than the possible return of prior symptoms and a few days of foggy weirdness.

So after being on Lexapro for about 7 months and taking a turn for the worst, I changed doctors and this new guy is throwing everything at me.

Enlyte
Buspar
Rexulti
Fetzima
Deplin
Brintellix

I'm sure I'm forgetting some. He's saying these are fast acting and to try them and see what works. Not really sure what to think about all of this. I went to see him for anxiety/depression and the first session was very overwhelming. Thank god I asked my wife to sit in or I would have jumped out the window. He had asked me to write down 3 pages before I got there. Issues I have been having, goals and questions for him. One of the things that he asked when he read my symptoms were, if anyone in my family was bipolar. There isn't but when I got home and researched it, i was nervous because reading up on bipolar 2 was me exactly. I also did the swab gene test and have an appointment for blood work on Friday.

Im feeling really off the wall right now and hope I improve fast because I'm taking my wife to NYC for her birthday this weekend and want to be mentally stable. She's tolerated so much of my crap that this is my way of thanking her for that, but don't want to ruin it because of my issues.

Just trying to make sense of everything.

Bizarre.

Do you like the doctor? Do you feel comfortable or trust him? Those are the key things. Of course, if you've lost faith in a doctor or don't like them or feel comfortable it's time to move on, but I also learned the hard way that jumping around constantly from doctor to doctor because nobody could fix things immediately resulted in my treatment being a jumbled mess. I learned that I have to stick with a certain person's guidance for a bit before judging...unless of course I don't trust them, like them, or feel comfortable in a significant way.

The only one of those medications I've been on is Buspar which has worked EXTREMELY well for me but for others is a placebo. I've never heard of anyone having a bad reaction to it, though, so it's harmless to try. It's not a short-acting drug - it's a daily drug and it took a couple of weeks for me to feel a substantial effect.

Either way, I hope your trip went off smoothly.

Yeah I do. I was just wondering if anyone had any experience with coming off of it since I heard withdrawals even tapering can be pretty tough.

I unfortunately don't, MJ, or at least not yet - I'm still taking a daily dose of Klonopin, another benzodiazepine. I've cut my dose out of paranoia but it just works too well for me to drop it completely.

If noone here has any experience, though, there are a few other big mental health communities around that surely house folks who've gone through something similar, so it may be worth checking in those. Gotta keep in mind the general rules of stuff-you-read-on-the-internet, though.

And, as always, I advise constant medical supervision.

Eh. My mom's coming over this afternoon which is always immensely stressful. She means well but she is relentlessly naggy (a trait that I picked up from her, albeit in a less severe form) and as I deteriorate, is getting increasingly desperate which just makes her even more unbearable to be around.

Aren't all moms naggy? Or is your mom even more naggy, like double the amount of nag?

My mom's above average but has calmed down with age. Still, there are so many things she tells me to do that I just say "sure, mom" and discard. Like, I had a sweater with a small hole in it and almost every time she saw me in it she commented on how I should get a new sweater and I said "okay". The hole was less than a half inch in diameter, near the bottom of the sweater. It was otherwise in good condition.

Finally, one holiday when I was staying at home she took it out of my closet and sewed the hole shut without asking.

Funny in retrospect but at the time it bugged me.

4 days without a drink, a binge, or a purge. Between my alcohol abuse and my near decade of bulimia... I think this is the longest I've gone in years.

I'm getting back on my anti-depressants and ADHD medicine, which I just stopped refilling half a year ago because of lethargy. I think things are looking up...


I think the root of my depression is in a failure complex from such a late diagnoses of my ADHD and the extremely high standards of my upper class parents that I feel like I'm not going to meet.

I'm glad to hear that things are looking up, SB, and that you've got some perspective on the causes of your depression. Are you currently receiving any mental health treatment?

Well, I'm drinking again. I can't seem to get away for any meaningful amount of time. I'll go a day or two but I always come right back, drinking by myself. What am I doing with my life?

Sorry if this has already been answered, but have you sought treatment for addiction, GalacticToast?

So I went to the doctors office to get a physical done. I was in very good condition according to the doctor.

I also got a blood test done. There were two results marked with an "H", one was my LDL, which was 102, within a range of <100, so I'm not too worried. I just have to watch my diet a little better. I slack off during the school year and that needs to stop. My TSH was a bit high according to them as well, although they seemed to have a rather narrow range. My TSH was 3.83 with a range of 3.58 - 3.74. I'm not too worried, as my hospital seems to have a range that is lower than most (.5 - 5.0), but hypothyroidism, runs in my family (my mom has it really bad, and my grandmother had it as well).

I guess it could be possible that it may be a factor in my depression, but I'm not sure. Does anyone know if I should get my T3 and T4 levels checked? I guess I am not really sure. Does the doctor or nurse contact you every time you get marked with an "H", or is it only in cases where it is excessive. I've never had any sort of experience with this thing before.

In other news, I'm gong to see my CBT therapist on Monday and my Psychiatrist on Tuesday to hopefully get on medication, so I'm "looking forward" to that.

Thanks for any help anyone can provide in the matter. : )

I'm glad you've seen the doctor and made further appointments with your therapist and psych, Xe4!
I really don't know anything about the blood test, unfortunately. Usually I just ask the doctor a million questions since I'm a dumb dumb at this stuff. Could you call the office and ask the doctor to call you so you could get his/her perspective?

Man. I take an antidepressant that works super well for me, but sometimes I get some crazy acid reflux after taking it that lasts for hours. Anyone else go through that? It really hurts.

Damn, Dartastic, I haven't heard of that one before. I've heard of acid reflux from anxiety / depression but not from the antidepressants themselves.

Have you found any antacids that work well for you? Doctors might be able to prescribe more effective ones if OTC stuff isn't working.

How do you guys manage dealing with ignorant family when you're forced to be around each other?

I normally try to avoid my Mom's side of the family, because the majority of them in our immediate circle are very ignorant and condescending, and I know that they talk down about me. I'm not successful like them, still live at home and have issues that aren't evident like physical disabilities, so to them I'm lazy and a piece of shit.

I help out at home with disabled family members every day, and multiple times per day, yet they think of me as being lazy and useless. Of course, do they ever come to visit said family members? No. We've always had to make the trek to see them.

My Grandmother -- who used to live with us -- is currently in ICU, and things aren't looking good. We had to have a family meeting today, to decide on what to do, and are going to be taking her off ventilator support and praying that her lungs will be able to support her, though it's very unlikely unfortunately. She's in her later 80s and has had COPD for years.

After we had the real discussion, someone noticed that the tree in the room there had had its ornaments removed, but had not been taken down fully. One of my parents -- who's disabled -- commented about how ours hadn't come down yet, but we've been busy. I said I'd cleaned all of my stuff out from around it, and then got the condescending comments under their breath about how I hadn't taken it down.

I don't know how, had removed what I knew had a destination, cleaned up the wrapping paper and was waiting for my other parent to start so that I could help them. None of the stuff leftover was mine.

But, of course, all I could say was that I didn't know where stuff went, which made things worse.

I hate my family.

Well, it varies from family to family.

It can seem like a herculean feat at first, but I found it really helpful when dealing with frustrating family members to make sure I was never contributing "my half" to an argument or situation. Like, I can't control if other people are going to be unreasonable, but I do know that if I respond by getting heated or also being unreasonable that it will escalate the situation. That seems to be what people are looking for sometimes - a reaction.

On the other hand, if someone gets unreasonable, looking for a reaction and gets none it can put a "mirror" to their face of sorts and they can see how unreasonable they're being. Maybe not immediately, but eventually.

I didn't learn this all myself, it's based on my ex girlfriend who has a very, very, very tough to deal with mother who's intensely anxious and can be downright mean. It was an issue at times in our relationship and she found that when she stayed infinitely, absolutely, forever, unwaveringly calm it didn't give her mother the "ammunition" to keep things heated and her mom would apologize a few hours later for the things she said. That doesn't mean my ex just took the heat all the time - she would explain to her mom how hurtful things were, but again, do it totally calmly.

It sounds like a matter of suppression but it's more a matter of learning how to interface with your emotions in a different way, of learning how to change your reactions. I still feel the same frustration with my uncles but I just ... don't throw a match on it. It's a different process with each person and each relationship, but for me it was often a matter of "de-investing" myself in the right way.

Hope that's somewhat helpful. Family is hard, and every family is so different.

<3

 

[Psychoward]

Holy fuck do I feel down tonight. Just got back to college for my 2nd semester and already stressing the fuck out. I never took my exams first semester because I got mono so now I have to take 4 exams in 2 weeks while also starting new classes plus I missed some work I need to make up because I got depressed last semester. I don't want to go home and work a dead end job but staying here is making me feel depressed as well. I'm not even sure about transferring since I had trouble making friends here and I imagine being a transfer student would be even worse, especially considering I just don't like a majority of college kids I run in to nowadays. I don't know what it is, but just fuck me. The only joys I get out of life are playing ps4 and having meaningless sex with random people I matched with on tinder.

I already see a psychiatrist and am on 15mg of Lexapro. I'm pretty much frozen with depression. My work ethic sucks, I don't have a job down here, I've gotten my heart broken once and then fucked up another relationship, I don't like a lot of people I meet, I don't know what to do. I didn't love high scool either but at least I managed to complete most of the work and had a girlfriend I loved to death for the last half of it.

 

[Kipp]

On average, I'm still doing pretty well. Still quite a few hiccups here and there and I wouldn't say I've been "happy," but I've certainly been feeling pretty good all told (at least relatively speaking).

 

[mreddie]

I'm on a verge of a mental breakdown.
I'm a fat virgin at 25 who has done and will likely do nothing,
I've lied about half my life to make myself feel successful, I had no friends back then, have no friends now.
Spent New Years alone and my parents don't understand a word I'm saying.

I just want to fade away.

 

[Palpable]

I hate to beat a dead horse here, but this shit isn't ending. I had a nightmare about my ex last night. First one in months. I was eating at a restaurant with someone. At a table behind me was my ex and some of her friends. I suppose my ex knew who I was eating with and asked him if the guy he's eating with is cute (not knowing it was me), then realized this and asked if I was there to stalk her. I, not knowing she was even there, said no. As I left the restaurant a massive storm kicked in. Winds powerful enough to flip cars and whatnot. Everyone rushed out of the building, but my ex was nowhere to be found. I was outside getting thrown around by the storm. As I was being tossed around, I realized that my ex had become said storm and was trying to kill me.

I realize that probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. What was once clear in a dream becomes a total blur once you wake up. But it was very... frightening. 14 months since the breakup and my mind is still plagued by this. Just end already.

 

[User 479360]

Thanks for the replies, guys. I felt bad for that last line when I left the house for the hospital, and edited it later.

Things got better later in the day -- with them at least -- and they talked more/seemed to be nicer and more understanding. But everyone was also grieving. My grandmother passed while we were all there, unfortunately.

It's been tough, but I knew it was a long time coming and am honestly surprised that she lived as long as she did -- which was a great thing. She was a big part of the family.

I don't know if it's fully hit me yet. It's weird. We were all in the room for the hour after they pulled the vent, as she passed. I think she mouthed I love you, but I'm not sure. We used to argue a lot because we had similar personalities and I feel bad for that.

I spoke to my aunt later on, because she asked a bunch of questions about my mental illness and offered her help as much as possible. She doesn't like how the healthcare system is for it and wants me to try to get more help. She said she didn't think I was pulling my weight at home, but now knows I am and has been talking to her sons when they bring it up/will do so more.

I appreciate that

 

[Piano]

Holy fuck do I feel down tonight. Just got back to college for my 2nd semester and already stressing the fuck out. I never took my exams first semester because I got mono so now I have to take 4 exams in 2 weeks while also starting new classes plus I missed some work I need to make up because I got depressed last semester. I don't want to go home and work a dead end job but staying here is making me feel depressed as well. I'm not even sure about transferring since I had trouble making friends here and I imagine being a transfer student would be even worse, especially considering I just don't like a majority of college kids I run in to nowadays. I don't know what it is, but just fuck me. The only joys I get out of life are playing ps4 and having meaningless sex with random people I matched with on tinder.

I already see a psychiatrist and am on 15mg of Lexapro. I'm pretty much frozen with depression. My work ethic sucks, I don't have a job down here, I've gotten my heart broken once and then fucked up another relationship, I don't like a lot of people I meet, I don't know what to do. I didn't love high scool either but at least I managed to complete most of the work and had a girlfriend I loved to death for the last half of it.

I haven't found a magic key to those sorts of high stress, high pressure scenarios but I do better when I try to keep in mind that (a) by hook or by crook, I'll figure something out by the deadline and (b) I have to take everything one day at a time, one step at a time. There's no other way to do it.

If you're on 15mg of LexaPro and are frozen with depression, PW23, then it sounds like your medications aren't doing what you need them to. Do you have an upcoming appointment where you could discuss things with your psychiatrist?

It's also worth considering that depression, break-ups, and all aspects of suffering (and life) are often more complicated than a medication can address. Have you considered counseling / therapy?

On average, I'm still doing pretty well. Still quite a few hiccups here and there and I wouldn't say I've been "happy," but I've certainly been feeling pretty good all told (at least relatively speaking).

I'm glad to hear the average is looking up, Kipp!

I'm on a verge of a mental breakdown.
I'm a fat virgin at 25 who has done and will likely do nothing,
I've lied about half my life to make myself feel successful, I had no friends back then, have no friends now.
Spent New Years alone and my parents don't understand a word I'm saying.

I just want to fade away.

I'm sorry you're suffering, mreddie. Have you considered seeking mental health treatment?

I hate to beat a dead horse here, but this shit isn't ending. I had a nightmare about my ex last night. First one in months. I was eating at a restaurant with someone. At a table behind me was my ex and some of her friends. I suppose my ex knew who I was eating with and asked him if the guy he's eating with is cute (not knowing it was me), then realized this and asked if I was there to stalk her. I, not knowing she was even there, said no. As I left the restaurant a massive storm kicked in. Winds powerful enough to flip cars and whatnot. Everyone rushed out of the building, but my ex was nowhere to be found. I was outside getting thrown around by the storm. As I was being tossed around, I realized that my ex had become said storm and was trying to kill me.

I realize that probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. What was once clear in a dream becomes a total blur once you wake up. But it was very... frightening. 14 months since the breakup and my mind is still plagued by this. Just end already.

There are always relapses, IP, but judging by the fading frequency of your posts it seems like things are slowly trending in the right direction.

That seems to be the best we can hope for. I still think about my exes, but the longer its been the more I learn to live with it and operate around it, and the less those thoughts dominate my mind. Do they still do so sometimes? Definitely. Today I miss my ex so much I feel heartsick. I've sent her a few postcards over the past month and she hasn't responded, and I don't know if I'll ever talk to her again. Yet, even when I feel like this, I know it'll let up soon, especially if I have things going on in my life to keep my mind off of the subject.

And if it doesn't get off my mind on its own, then I sit down and write out my feelings in my journal and that usually does the trick after three or four pages.

You're strong.

Thanks for the replies, guys. I felt bad for that last line when I left the house for the hospital, and edited it later.

Things got better later in the day -- with them at least -- and they talked more/seemed to be nicer and more understanding. But everyone was also grieving. My grandmother passed while we were all there, unfortunately.

It's been tough, but I knew it was a long time coming and am honestly surprised that she lived as long as she did -- which was a great thing. She was a big part of the family.

I don't know if it's fully hit me yet. It's weird. We were all in the room for the hour after they pulled the vent, as she passed. I think she mouthed I love you, but I'm not sure. We used to argue a lot because we had similar personalities and I feel bad for that.

I spoke to my aunt later on, because she asked a bunch of questions about my mental illness and offered her help as much as possible. She doesn't like how the healthcare system is for it and wants me to try to get more help. She said she didn't think I was pulling my weight at home, but now knows I am and has been talking to her sons when they bring it up/will do so more.

I appreciate that

My condolences, Chewie. I'm glad you were able to find a better sense of understanding with your aunt.

It usually takes a little while for a passing to hit me. Be gentle with yourself and let your feelings do as they will, I say.

<3

 

[Desperado]

After a week and a half break from work for the holidays, I feel like absolutely shit and miserable and hopeless only one day back at work. That's a new record.

I'm with you. I'm a teacher and after the beginning of this week, I immediately was back to where I was before winter break. I'm sorry you're going through this.

(For background, see this post.) I am going to leave this school at the end of the school year and return to my previous city. (Honestly, I wish I could quit now, but financially and professionally it wouldn't be the right thing to do.) My anxiety issues are now presenting as depression on top of my other, more typical responses. I haven't experienced this level of severity in at least 3 years, maybe more.

I know there are practical things that I can work on – getting adequate sleep, taking my supplements for Vitamins D/B12, etc. – but self-regulation has never been a strength of mine, and it obviously gets harder the more severe my anxiety symptoms get. I am going to make some calls on Monday/Tuesday because I know I need to see a doctor about my medication and I know I need to find a therapist.


PS: I want to acknowledge those of you in this thread who respond to posts with genuine thought and empathy, particularly Piano. It's very much appreciated.

 

[mreddie]

I'm sorry you're suffering, mreddie. Have you considered seeking mental health treatment?

No.

 

[User 479360]

My condolences, Chewie. I'm glad you were able to find a better sense of understanding with your aunt.

It usually takes a little while for a passing to hit me. Be gentle with yourself and let your feelings do as they will, I say.

<3

Thanks, Piano. I appreciate it.

 

[Palpable]

I understand, but there are still many questions that plague my mind as well. For instance; my ex stopped talking to me indefinitely 3 weeks after the breakup. I did/said some dumb shit when I was emotionally unstable because of what happened, but nothing irredeemable. One of her ex's cheated on her and another pointed a gun at her, yet she remained friends with them after breaking up. Maybe she just doesn't give a shit about me and that's why I'm not one to be bothered talking to. The lack of closure really sucks.

 

[Piano]

I'm with you. I'm a teacher and after the beginning of this week, I immediately was back to where I was before winter break. I'm sorry you're going through this.

(For background, see this post.) I am going to leave this school at the end of the school year and return to my previous city. (Honestly, I wish I could quit now, but financially and professionally it wouldn't be the right thing to do.) My anxiety issues are now presenting as depression on top of my other, more typical responses. I haven't experienced this level of severity in at least 3 years, maybe more.

I know there are practical things that I can work on &#8211; getting adequate sleep, taking my supplements for Vitamins D/B12, etc. &#8211; but self-regulation has never been a strength of mine, and it obviously gets harder the more severe my anxiety symptoms get. I am going to make some calls on Monday/Tuesday because I know I need to see a doctor about my medication and I know I need to find a therapist.


PS: I want to acknowledge those of you in this thread who respond to posts with genuine thought and empathy, particularly Piano. It's very much appreciated.

It sounds like you have the right steps in mind, Desperado. Practical, healthy life choices are obviously always a good step, and a therapist can really, really be a great source of support when it feels like you're outnumbered in life.

Also, as a future teacher (hopefully), I really, really respect what you're doing and the strength it gets to do it. The thing I'm most afraid of about going into the teaching world is getting overwhelmed / hating my job / not being able to manage but having to make it to the end of the school year, so I think you're very, very strong for doing what you're doing.

And there's a TeacherGAF OT that has a nice little community, if you didn't already know that. They soothed some of my concerns a few months ago.

No.

Well, I know it seems like the obvious answer, but I do recommend it. When we're in a place where we're suffering, do not want to go on, and are starting to take on water - that's what mental health treatment is for. Treatment can be therapy, or medication - here's a post I did earlier with a lot of details on both, if you're unfamiliar. Or, if things are so dire that the day to day is seeming impossible there are emergency mental health treatment services, which I can give you a lot more info on if you'd like.

Have you been on the verge for a while, or have things gotten worse as of late?

Let me know if you have any questions, and I hope you're able to find some relief.

I understand, but there are still many questions that plague my mind as well. For instance; my ex stopped talking to me indefinitely 3 weeks after the breakup. I did/said some dumb shit when I was emotionally unstable because of what happened, but nothing irredeemable. One of her ex's cheated on her and another pointed a gun at her, yet she remained friends with them after breaking up. Maybe she just doesn't give a shit about me and that's why I'm not one to be bothered talking to. The lack of closure really sucks.

That's purely conjectural, though; it's just as likely that she hasn't talked to you because she still has unresolved feelings so it's too difficult and painful. I'm not saying that's "THE TRUTH" but the point is that either possibility fits the situation and so we cannot rightly make assumptions.

I have to remind myself of that, too. Maybe my ex has moved on and is dating someone new; then again, maybe she's just as hurt as I am. There's no way for me to know.

<3

 

[Palpable]

How long has it been since your ex quit talking to you, Piano? I understand where you're coming from. Maybe it's my lack of confidence talking, but all the crap that came trickling down after the breakup makes me think she looks at me as a speed bump or trash, despite being so 'in love' and the first time she's ever truly blah blah it doesn't matter anymore, etc. I'm sure you get what I mean. It's like she became a whole different person.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

I had a setback.

First off, had to take my mom to the hospital...again. A stressful event considering I told myself I didn't want to go through with that ever again but it happened and I had a bit of a meltdown. Now I neglected simple responsibilities because I'd rather play Xbox. I guess it was a coping mechanism of sorts, but Fallout 4 is a big game. Of course, I've been marathoning it and running myself to the ground to complete apathy and fatigue. It's weird but the mental weight of me not doing anything productive still weighs heavy. I really do hate regressing, but that's what setbacks are.

 

[Dipper145]

I broke up with my ex after a failed treatment of rTMS made me feel worse and an upcoming medication switch that I knew wouldn't allow me to be functional within the relationship in a way that she deserved. Been talking to her again lately, and kind of accidentally torpedoed it myself by misunderstanding our mutual friend that she was dating someone. She ended up getting mad at the mutual friend, after I had cancelled the plans I had with her. I didn't want to lie, so I told her that I heard she was dating someone and so going out would be inappropriate. Still not sure if she is or isn't, but regardless I'm not going to go out of my way to pursue her now, I'm not 100% sure if I could do the whole "friends" thing with this specific ex. If she wants to do something together I'll go, as getting more social interaction helps me to deal with my constant anxiety issues, and the number of friends I have is so low that I can't really be choosy. Plus she was always very helpful and understanding about my mental health problems, so having a larger support network always helps as well.

A little disappointed in the medication I am on, I've switched medications and been on so many different things that each time I lose more and more hope that something will eventually work. On the other hand, I've lost over 25lbs in the past 3 months, and get a lot more exercise than before. I feel better generally about my body, still want to lose another 10-15 and get down to 175-180. But this hasn't really had any large effect on my overall day to day mood.

Luckily by being in school I have free access to a psychiatrist who I have weekly appointments with and she is open to discussing all kinds of treatment options with me. It's possible I might try ECT, or magnetic seizure therapy next summer. I'm weary about ECT due to the memory issues, but was told that MST has less negative effects in that regard. Ketamine infused antidepressant research trials she has discussed with me are promising but are located across the country from me. Going to eventually, through her referral, get a spit test done that analyzes the enzymes in my body that is supposed to help recommend an antridepressant that would work better for me.

I'm honestly so lucky to have the parents I have and small set of close friends who are always understanding and helpful to me. It's been a long difficult 7-8 year journey of depression and anxiety so far, here's hoping it gets better, not just for myself, but for everyone suffering from similar mental health problems.

 

[jb1234]

Rough weekend, overall. After a week where my symptoms weren't gigantically severe, they've picked up again (as they always eventually do) and that's laid me out pretty flat. I'm also devastated because I saw a post left on a friend's FB wall by an ex-friend of mine, a man who was like my brother.

(Just another reason why Facebook is the fucking devil.)

I knew him for years and he cut me out of his life in late 2013, during a period when I was especially unstable. I had just retired a second time from my dream career, I had become bedridden and I was understandably deeply depressed. Maybe he decided I was too much to handle (this after he told me that "he wasn't going anywhere", I'll add), maybe he decided he didn't need me anymore since he was shortly to move back home where all his friends were. I don't know the reasons because he didn't respect me enough to at least say goodbye and thanks for the memories. The lack of closure and the grief has been eating me up for over two years now and just when I think it's gotten at least a little better, something happens to open the wound up all over again.

It's made it really hard for me to trust people since. I'm always afraid that they'll abandon me, something that has been happening with distressing regularity since I got ill. I don't know if people are afraid at coming face to face with their own mortality, afraid of sick people or what but one by one, the friends I had in the city have stopped coming over and even hanging out. I have a bunch of long distance contacts that are critical support but there's only so much they can do being far away. I get very lonely out here by myself and start to understand how it's possible to go mad from isolation.

It seems the only closure I'm going to get from this particular relationship is the one I make for myself so I've blocked him from Facebook. No more triggers if I can't see his activity (we're not actually friends on FB and haven't been for a while). Still, I have doubts this loss will ever get easier.

 

[mreddie]

Well, I know it seems like the obvious answer, but I do recommend it. When we're in a place where we're suffering, do not want to go on, and are starting to take on water - that's what mental health treatment is for. Treatment can be therapy, or medication - here's a post I did earlier with a lot of details on both, if you're unfamiliar. Or, if things are so dire that the day to day is seeming impossible there are emergency mental health treatment services, which I can give you a lot more info on if you'd like.

Sure, if they help. Everyday I hate myself and feel like the world hates me. Link goes nowhere.

 

[Afrocious]

I'm posting in this thread because I give the fuck up.

Not on life or anything. I'm too fucking arrogant for my own good and I guess I'm a masochist. Instead, I give up on trying to be happy.

I step a foot into the dating world and got rejected. I'm torn because of how upset I felt. I have nothing against the girl. She'll do her thing. I thought we were fine despite only knowing her for a few days, but she texts me saying she doesn't think we're a good match.

So I don't know what it is with me. Not entirely, but I have a theory now.

My theory is that I'm so pathetic that I reek it. Hell, I don't have the grasp of self-happiness that I guess I need to date.

People say go to the gym? Fuck off, I've lost 30 lbs from eating right for once in my life and I go to the gym 3-6 times a week. Started last year in the summer and i've made good strides.

But while I said I was doing it for myself, this rejection just fucked me up. It's like I've been lying to myself and instead was doing it to hopefully impress other folks.

So now, i don't know what I'm doing for myself. I mean, yeah, I'll go to the gym tomorrow because it's a habit, but damn.

I might go back to therapy, but I've tried it before. It worked to an extent but still.

 

[Palpable]

-snip-

She isn't worth your time. On to the next. Dating is a numbers game. If I had your mentality for every time I've been rejected, I'd have shot myself a long time ago.

 

[Afrocious]

She isn't worth your time. On to the next. Dating is a numbers game. If I had your mentality for every time I've been rejected, I'd have shot myself a long time ago.

This is probably the realest thing I've read in response to what I've been posting about.

Thank you. I wipe my hands of my time with the girl.

 

[Desperado]

It sounds like you have the right steps in mind, Desperado. Practical, healthy life choices are obviously always a good step, and a therapist can really, really be a great source of support when it feels like you're outnumbered in life.

Also, as a future teacher (hopefully), I really, really respect what you're doing and the strength it gets to do it. The thing I'm most afraid of about going into the teaching world is getting overwhelmed / hating my job / not being able to manage but having to make it to the end of the school year, so I think you're very, very strong for doing what you're doing.

And there's a TeacherGAF OT that has a nice little community, if you didn't already know that. They soothed some of my concerns a few months ago.

After years of dealing with these issues I definitely feel like I am good at recognizing what steps to take. It's the following through that is the tough part. Hopefully I can find the strength to take action soon.

I didn't know about that TeacherGAF thread, thanks for sharing. I see you're studying music ed &#8211; that's the field I'm in! I will say that your concerns are valid and normal to have. Try to get as much experience working with students as you can while you're still in school. Not only will it give you the opportunity to build your teaching skills, it will help you learn what kinds of environments and student populations you might prefer/be suited for.

When it comes time to look for employment, I would suggest that doing what you can to find a supportive, nurturing environment can be key to having a healthy start to your career. In my job search this past summer, I really didn't focus on that at all, and I wish I had. There can be such a large leap in intensity and responsibility between student teaching and your first year. All the new demands can be overwhelming, and I say that as someone who felt very confident in my skills leaving my degree program. I felt like I was going to be able to handle anything, but I didn't fully appreciate the magnitude of tasks and responsibilities that are mostly tangential to the things I was prepared to do.

 

[Psychoward]

I haven't found a magic key to those sorts of high stress, high pressure scenarios but I do better when I try to keep in mind that (a) by hook or by crook, I'll figure something out by the deadline and (b) I have to take everything one day at a time, one step at a time. There's no other way to do it.

If you're on 15mg of LexaPro and are frozen with depression, PW23, then it sounds like your medications aren't doing what you need them to. Do you have an upcoming appointment where you could discuss things with your psychiatrist?

It's also worth considering that depression, break-ups, and all aspects of suffering (and life) are often more complicated than a medication can address. Have you considered counseling / therapy?

Yeah I have a therapist back home that I just saw but it didn't do much. I just feel so lost and that any time I try to do something it's going to be the wrong thing to do. I don't know what to do. I love the weather here, love the sex life, but the social scene really isn't my thing outside of concerts which I'd have to give up along with the weather if I transferred or took a break. I'd also have to go back living home which I would hate because my parents are divorced and it gets frustrating dealing with them constantly plus I wouldn't want to work my shitty minimum wage job back home. So I could try to transfer but I have no idea where I would go and I would hate it if I put effort in to giving up all this work just to realize the problem wasn't the school in the first place.


Then there's the immediate issue of trying to get credit for all my 1st semester classes within 2 weeks and figuring out my current schedule all while only having 1 friend. Even when I went home I didn't re-connect with my friends back there and I don't know why. Sure I was sick for a while but I still should have made an effort, instead I played Fallout New Vegas and slept for a month.

 

[Piano]

Sure, if they help. Everyday I hate myself and feel like the world hates me. Link goes nowhere.

Whoops, Sorry about that. Here's the link.

 

[Sheriff_Battlesnake]

Just be careful and be mindful of your body when quitting cold turkey if your alcohol abuse is/was as bad as you have said. Alcohol withdrawals are no joke.

But glad to hear that everything is getting better for you!

It hadn't been going on long enough to be awful, but I did has some withdraw symptoms. Nauseated and exhausted and achey. No shakes, but definitely some major stomach issues.

Need to stay on the ball with the bulimia thing. Slipped once over the weekend but I plan to keep moving forward. Today it's back to the psychologist to get back on my meds.

Thank you for the kind words.

This... all sounds very good! Awesome!

Thank you! I hope you are doing well. Definitely just trying to finally get on my feet. 1 week without alcohol and I feel really great. Better at my job, better at parties, better at my hobbies (especially the creative stuff...)

I'm glad to hear that things are looking up, SB, and that you've got some perspective on the causes of your depression. Are you currently receiving any mental health treatment?

I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I've been to rehabilitation for my bulimia and a co-depoendant relationship I was in with an IV crack addict, but that was back in 2013. Really hit a low at that time. Even though I get out of the darkness I still was unmotivated to work on my bad habit wrought from it until now.

 

[redlegs87]

I am at the same time excited and at the same time in a funk. The funk I am sure is me being cramped up in the house because of the cold weather I get out when I can but it isn't enough. Though I am excited about what I am hoping will be upcoming changes to my living situation and how it might finally be close to somewhat normal for once in a long time. Though I am a bit hesitant to feel so excited as I don't have total control over if it will get better and I have to rely on someone who I know isn't the most reliable at keeping their word.

 

[mkenyon]

Pretty neat feature on my local news about TMS for treatment resistant depression:

http://komonews.com/news/healthwork...-treatment-has-success-when-medication-doesnt

 

[The_Kid]

I stared at my screen last night for 30 minute before I deleted my twitter account.

I must have had a mental breakdown or something. I felt like I couldn't breathe for a moment or two, and couldn't think. My body was still but I just felt myself screaming on the inside. I went over everything I hate, everything in my life that went to shit. I thought about suicide and how I was too chickenshit to consider actually doing it.

I don't know if it was my ocd or something but then I doubted it, everything. I started to tear up, was I doing this for attention? Did I deserve to want to die? Did I deserve anything? I don't deserve to be sad. I'm not really sad, I'm just secretly faking. I should shut up. I make everything worse.

I honestly don't know what I'm thinking right now, I'm just typing. I just can't think without freaking out. I want to die. I want to escape. I don't know what I want. I want someone to give me a hug and tell me I'm not a horrible person, that everything I touch doesn't turn to shit. I don't know what's real. I can't trust my feelings. Anything I think or feel I secretly am told that I'm lying, that I'm just whining and that I should bottle it up. I just want to scream.

 

[Sheriff_Battlesnake]

I stared at my screen last night for 30 minute before I deleted my twitter account.

I must have had a mental breakdown or something. I felt like I couldn't breathe for a moment or two, and couldn't think. My body was still but I just felt myself screaming on the inside. I went over everything I hate, everything in my life that went to shit. I thought about suicide and how I was too chickenshit to consider actually doing it.

I don't know if it was my ocd or something but then I doubted it, everything. I started to tear up, was I doing this for attention? Did I deserve to want to die? Did I deserve anything? I don't deserve to be sad. I'm not really sad, I'm just secretly faking. I should shut up. I make everything worse.

I honestly don't know what I'm thinking right now, I'm just typing. I just can't think without freaking out. I want to die. I want to escape. I don't know what I want. I want someone to give me a hug and tell me I'm not a horrible person, that everything I touch doesn't turn to shit. I don't know what's real. I can't trust my feelings. Anything I think or feel I secretly am told that I'm lying, that I'm just whining and that I should bottle it up. I just want to scream.

Rant as much as you need. I always find when I'm feeling frantic and trapped and confused that vocalizing everything can lead to me saying something that makes sense. I've always thought of it as driving down an icy, winding road with your headlights off. Sometimes I say something that helps me "name" my apprehension. It's like turning your headlights on. The road is still icy, and it's still winding, and it's still dangerous, but at leas tyou can see where you are going.

Obviously just spilling won't fix everything, but it can help you start. You aren't wasting a single person's time in here, and I'm glad you took the time to write that down to be heard.

If you are having serious thoughts of suicide please contact someone. And until then , or until it gets better, we'll be right here.

 

[Anth0ny]

i've been really tired lately. similar to when my depression first started. not sure why but it's painful. i'm tired all day, get home from work, nap for two hours, go to the gym for two hours, then come home and i'm tired as hell... but I usually end up staying up til 3am anyways. i know the logical thing to do is skip the nap and try to correct my sleeping pattern, but i've tried it multiple times and it's never worked. my mind wonders and i end up tossing and turning until 3am when i pass out from exhaustion.

i'd rather not try sleeping pills, though my doctor said it's something I could turn to. i'm considering drinking coffee every day, though I heard that's not exactly the healthiest route to go down :/

 

[Steamlord]

Wow, I actually managed to get an interview tomorrow for a part-time position at a library in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere. Now I just have to avoid fucking it up like I always do. To make matters worse I currently have a sore throat and my voice is super raspy, so that'll be weird. If I do get the job I'm hoping I won't be stuck with it for too long and some new doors will open once I have that experience, like maybe a full-time job at the library in my own town.

 

[Piano]

How long has it been since your ex quit talking to you, Piano? I understand where you're coming from. Maybe it's my lack of confidence talking, but all the crap that came trickling down after the breakup makes me think she looks at me as a speed bump or trash, despite being so 'in love' and the first time she's ever truly blah blah it doesn't matter anymore, etc. I'm sure you get what I mean. It's like she became a whole different person.

Well, it's been a month since we've talked, but it's a bit of a complicated situation. We broke up two and a half years ago due to moving away from one another and have both dated other people in the interim. But last year we started making moves towards getting back together until she sorta blew it and then I got so hurt that I completely withdrew and made it worse.

So I agree with her that we needed this space, we were just hurting each other, but it doesn't make me miss her less. That being said, I talked to a friend about it and I suppose I am still bitter, so at most I think I might send her a message this weekend letting her know I'm sorry for what I did and that I want to talk again at some point in the near future.

We'll see.

"But bro there are so many fish in the sea"
Yes, but I'm in love with this fish and have been for years and realistically saw myself around her for the long term. Doesn't mean I shouldn't move on, but it isn't simple, you know?

I had a setback.

First off, had to take my mom to the hospital...again. A stressful event considering I told myself I didn't want to go through with that ever again but it happened and I had a bit of a meltdown. Now I neglected simple responsibilities because I'd rather play Xbox. I guess it was a coping mechanism of sorts, but Fallout 4 is a big game. Of course, I've been marathoning it and running myself to the ground to complete apathy and fatigue. It's weird but the mental weight of me not doing anything productive still weighs heavy. I really do hate regressing, but that's what setbacks are.

Interesting, Fallout 3 was a coping mechanism for my apathy back when it came out.

Anyways, I'm sorry for the difficulty with your mother, FITG. I think it's important that you both be gentle with yourself and not torture yourself about your coping mechanisms while also staying conscious of what you're doing and what's going on. The worst we can do is keep our head in the sand, I think.

I broke up with my ex after a failed treatment of rTMS made me feel worse and an upcoming medication switch that I knew wouldn't allow me to be functional within the relationship in a way that she deserved. Been talking to her again lately, and kind of accidentally torpedoed it myself by misunderstanding our mutual friend that she was dating someone. She ended up getting mad at the mutual friend, after I had cancelled the plans I had with her. I didn't want to lie, so I told her that I heard she was dating someone and so going out would be inappropriate. Still not sure if she is or isn't, but regardless I'm not going to go out of my way to pursue her now, I'm not 100% sure if I could do the whole "friends" thing with this specific ex. If she wants to do something together I'll go, as getting more social interaction helps me to deal with my constant anxiety issues, and the number of friends I have is so low that I can't really be choosy. Plus she was always very helpful and understanding about my mental health problems, so having a larger support network always helps as well.

A little disappointed in the medication I am on, I've switched medications and been on so many different things that each time I lose more and more hope that something will eventually work. On the other hand, I've lost over 25lbs in the past 3 months, and get a lot more exercise than before. I feel better generally about my body, still want to lose another 10-15 and get down to 175-180. But this hasn't really had any large effect on my overall day to day mood.

Luckily by being in school I have free access to a psychiatrist who I have weekly appointments with and she is open to discussing all kinds of treatment options with me. It's possible I might try ECT, or magnetic seizure therapy next summer. I'm weary about ECT due to the memory issues, but was told that MST has less negative effects in that regard. Ketamine infused antidepressant research trials she has discussed with me are promising but are located across the country from me. Going to eventually, through her referral, get a spit test done that analyzes the enzymes in my body that is supposed to help recommend an antridepressant that would work better for me.

I'm honestly so lucky to have the parents I have and small set of close friends who are always understanding and helpful to me. It's been a long difficult 7-8 year journey of depression and anxiety so far, here's hoping it gets better, not just for myself, but for everyone suffering from similar mental health problems.

It sounds like you're making positive steps, Dipper145, and I'm glad you're in such a place that you can appreciate the support of your family and friends. No matter what it is, and no matter how long it is, it's always good to take things one step at a time, and I hope those family and friends are able to help you when those steps are difficult.

I'm not familiar with MST therapy, so I'd be curious to hear about it if you go through with it. I have not received ECT personally but did see it work well for someone in the hospital.

It seems the only closure I'm going to get from this particular relationship is the one I make for myself so I've blocked him from Facebook. No more triggers if I can't see his activity (we're not actually friends on FB and haven't been for a while). Still, I have doubts this loss will ever get easier.

I'm young-ish and still learning about loss, but I certainly haven't found any easy way around its difficult bits yet.
That being said, I think you did the right things, and I agree that Facebook is garbage.

After years of dealing with these issues I definitely feel like I am good at recognizing what steps to take. It's the following through that is the tough part. Hopefully I can find the strength to take action soon.

I didn't know about that TeacherGAF thread, thanks for sharing. I see you're studying music ed &#8211; that's the field I'm in! I will say that your concerns are valid and normal to have. Try to get as much experience working with students as you can while you're still in school. Not only will it give you the opportunity to build your teaching skills, it will help you learn what kinds of environments and student populations you might prefer/be suited for.

When it comes time to look for employment, I would suggest that doing what you can to find a supportive, nurturing environment can be key to having a healthy start to your career. In my job search this past summer, I really didn't focus on that at all, and I wish I had. There can be such a large leap in intensity and responsibility between student teaching and your first year. All the new demands can be overwhelming, and I say that as someone who felt very confident in my skills leaving my degree program. I felt like I was going to be able to handle anything, but I didn't fully appreciate the magnitude of tasks and responsibilities that are mostly tangential to the things I was prepared to do.

Wait, you're a music teacher, too?!
All of a sudden I have lots of questions about (a) navigating this profession and (b) doing so with mental health concerns.
What sort of music do you teach? At what level? What do you mean by a supportive, nurturing environment, and how do I make sure I find that? Are you open with your administrators about your mental health troubles?
I have many more questions, but those are a start. Answer via PM if you're more comfortable doing that, or not at all if it's too much to think about.

Either way, I hope things look up, Desperado, and I hope you're able to keep taking it one step at a time.

Yeah I have a therapist back home that I just saw but it didn't do much. I just feel so lost and that any time I try to do something it's going to be the wrong thing to do. I don't know what to do. I love the weather here, love the sex life, but the social scene really isn't my thing outside of concerts which I'd have to give up along with the weather if I transferred or took a break. I'd also have to go back living home which I would hate because my parents are divorced and it gets frustrating dealing with them constantly plus I wouldn't want to work my shitty minimum wage job back home. So I could try to transfer but I have no idea where I would go and I would hate it if I put effort in to giving up all this work just to realize the problem wasn't the school in the first place.


Then there's the immediate issue of trying to get credit for all my 1st semester classes within 2 weeks and figuring out my current schedule all while only having 1 friend. Even when I went home I didn't re-connect with my friends back there and I don't know why. Sure I was sick for a while but I still should have made an effort, instead I played Fallout New Vegas and slept for a month.

Well, PW23, it seems to make sense to work at changing other things first and seeing if the situation can be improved before making a step to change schools. One of those steps is surely switching up your medication, and perhaps seeing your doctor more often if there isn't enough oversight of the changes going on. Or seeing a different doctor if you do not trust the one you're with.

Another, in my mind, is therapy. It sounds like there are a lot of things here that are worth exploring - your frustrations about your parents and job, your social difficulties, your apathy over break, et cetera - and the hope is that therapy can help you cope with those things in a more complex and enduring way than simply taking a medication and learning nothing. I'm curious about your prior experience with a therapist - you didn't feel he / she was helpful at all? Did you trust him / her and get along?

I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I've been to rehabilitation for my bulimia and a co-depoendant relationship I was in with an IV crack addict, but that was back in 2013. Really hit a low at that time. Even though I get out of the darkness I still was unmotivated to work on my bad habit wrought from it until now.

I'm glad to hear you've got a mental health support system, S_B. I hope you're able to keep your strong streak going, and if you're not, you're able to be gentle with yourself about it. Nobody can give us hell more than we can when we feel we've done something wrong. Let us know if there's any way we can be supportive!

I am at the same time excited and at the same time in a funk. The funk I am sure is me being cramped up in the house because of the cold weather I get out when I can but it isn't enough. Though I am excited about what I am hoping will be upcoming changes to my living situation and how it might finally be close to somewhat normal for once in a long time. Though I am a bit hesitant to feel so excited as I don't have total control over if it will get better and I have to rely on someone who I know isn't the most reliable at keeping their word.

Being stuck in my house gets me into a funk 100% of the time. It's not a matter of "if" but "when" if I'm just stuck inside due to weather. Hope you're able to get some outside time soon.

Pretty neat feature on my local news about TMS for treatment resistant depression:

http://komonews.com/news/healthwork...-treatment-has-success-when-medication-doesnt

Very interesting, thanks for sharing, mkenyon!

I stared at my screen last night for 30 minute before I deleted my twitter account.

I must have had a mental breakdown or something. I felt like I couldn't breathe for a moment or two, and couldn't think. My body was still but I just felt myself screaming on the inside. I went over everything I hate, everything in my life that went to shit. I thought about suicide and how I was too chickenshit to consider actually doing it.

I don't know if it was my ocd or something but then I doubted it, everything. I started to tear up, was I doing this for attention? Did I deserve to want to die? Did I deserve anything? I don't deserve to be sad. I'm not really sad, I'm just secretly faking. I should shut up. I make everything worse.

I honestly don't know what I'm thinking right now, I'm just typing. I just can't think without freaking out. I want to die. I want to escape. I don't know what I want. I want someone to give me a hug and tell me I'm not a horrible person, that everything I touch doesn't turn to shit. I don't know what's real. I can't trust my feelings. Anything I think or feel I secretly am told that I'm lying, that I'm just whining and that I should bottle it up. I just want to scream.

If you're in a horrible situation, or thinking of hurting yourself, please call 1 (800) 273-8255, seek emergency mental health treatment, or both.

For what it's worth, I do not think you're a horrible person. Do you have any sense of what's causing your breakdown? What's been going on recently?

i've been really tired lately. similar to when my depression first started. not sure why but it's painful. i'm tired all day, get home from work, nap for two hours, go to the gym for two hours, then come home and i'm tired as hell... but I usually end up staying up til 3am anyways. i know the logical thing to do is skip the nap and try to correct my sleeping pattern, but i've tried it multiple times and it's never worked. my mind wonders and i end up tossing and turning until 3am when i pass out from exhaustion.

i'd rather not try sleeping pills, though my doctor said it's something I could turn to. i'm considering drinking coffee every day, though I heard that's not exactly the healthiest route to go down :/

Coffee is an amazing solution for some people and a bad deal for others. For me, it wakes me up for maybe 90 minutes before it sends me crashing lower than I was before, and having multiple cups just makes me anxious. I'm not under the impression that coffee is unhealthy as long as you're drinking it in moderation - I think it becomes unhealthy when you build a tolerance to caffeine and pound seven cups a day.

Sleeping pills are never preferable, but if they can help you it may be worth considering. It's also interesting to consider what the underlying cause of your insomnia is and whether that's treatable - like, what is it that's keeping your mind whirring and is there something to be done about that directly?

I cannot speak highly enough of keeping good sleep hygiene, though, and it's probably a good idea to try going a few days without the nap to see if you can start falling asleep at night. Just one day of skipping probably isn't enough to signal to your body what you're trying to do, and for me it often takes a few days before my sleep conditioning starts to stick (and several weeks before it gets ingrained).

Wow, I actually managed to get an interview tomorrow for a part-time position at a library in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere. Now I just have to avoid fucking it up like I always do. To make matters worse I currently have a sore throat and my voice is super raspy, so that'll be weird. If I do get the job I'm hoping I won't be stuck with it for too long and some new doors will open once I have that experience, like maybe a full-time job at the library in my own town.

Congrats, Steamlord!! I hope your interview goes well.
And as for everything else, well, we've just got to take it one step at a time, otherwise everything is impossible.

<3

 

[Bagels]

Piano, you're one of the best. <3

I haven't been around these parts much in quite a while, but I might pop back in a bit more and catch up. Big things happening in Bagels-land!

Hugs to all the old-timers! Hello to the new people!

I hope we all have a good 2016.

 

[The Wall]

Man. I take an antidepressant that works super well for me, but sometimes I get some crazy acid reflux after taking it that lasts for hours. Anyone else go through that? It really hurts.

I think many psychiatric medications are known for being hard on the stomach. Do you drink a lot of water and eat something that won't irritate acid reflux when you take it?

 

[Xe4]

Hey Mental Healthough GAF.

I has the most fucked up dream ever last night. It wasnt scary but it made me feel like such am awful person it actually woke me up. Needless to say it made me feel like shit going back to bed and thought the morning.

I'm officially now on Wellburin, I have the bottle and my first dose is tomorrow morning. Hopefully this helps. I think I can deal with depression, but I'd prefer for it not to be crippling, especially since I'm going back to school soon.

I've also decided that maybe I need to volunteer somewhere, although where I'll get the time while going to a bitch of a school and dealing with depression is beyond me. Maybe helping others will help me realize that I'm a good person after all, because right now I go from feeling like I'm meh, to feeling like I'm a god damn monster. Is this a hood idea? Aldo is there any place where I only work like Fridays and Saturdays or something? I again have no experience with this.

Speaking of ex's I texted my ex yesterday who I'm still completely in love with but who mostly ignores me. Honestly I think that relationship caused me more harm than good. It was not the relationships fault, I just obsessed over the dumbest shit, and it was long didtance, meaning we didnt see each other much, worsining my depression. In the end I also said some dumb hurtful shit to her in a depressive mood, and now she ignores me *shrug*. I'm not glad I'm out at all but it may help. The only thing that really sucks is I bow have to face the long nights more or less alone.

Not complaining or anything, just wanted to give my two cents so maybe it will help someone. Sorry for the long ass post, it's been a busy few days.

Best of luck MH GAF, stay strong. : )

 

[The Wall]

i've been really tired lately. similar to when my depression first started. not sure why but it's painful. i'm tired all day, get home from work, nap for two hours, go to the gym for two hours, then come home and i'm tired as hell... but I usually end up staying up til 3am anyways. i know the logical thing to do is skip the nap and try to correct my sleeping pattern, but i've tried it multiple times and it's never worked. my mind wonders and i end up tossing and turning until 3am when i pass out from exhaustion.

i'd rather not try sleeping pills, though my doctor said it's something I could turn to. i'm considering drinking coffee every day, though I heard that's not exactly the healthiest route to go down :/

Here's a few tips that could help you correct it:

-Set an alarm and go out for a walk first thing after shower, breakfast and tea/coffee.
-Set an alarm to take melatonin 8-10 hours before you want to wake up in the morning.
-Try to get a consistant wake up and sleep schedule going, even if you're slow going in the morning.
-Avoid heavy sugar, caffeine and chocolate probably a minimum of 3-5 hours before bed. Longer if you're caffeine sensitive.
-Find a way to mentally exercise yourself. You may feel physically tired but you might be the type that needs more mental exercise to properly tire yourself for a more consistent sleep.

Sorry for the long ass post, it's been a busy few days.

????

 

[Conkersbadfurday]

Normally lurk, but I've been feeling extra shitty and figure maybe I should just get it out in writing somewhere. I think most of it can be chalked up to the weather. Winter has finally hit, at least in terms of temperatures, and I haven't exactly seen the sun in awhile. Not good. I had seasonal depression super bad last year, and while it hasn't hit that hard this year, I've still got at least two more months of this shit, maybe three if mother nature is being extra cunty.

Though calling this the weather's fault makes me feel kinda guilty in its own right.

Started reading some shitty lil web comic about gender stuff, which is always a mistake because while I'm not trans, I do think that gender can be a fluid, slippery motherfucker and it's best not to think about it or I'll get into a funk. I'm thinking about it. It's annoying. Whatever answers I come up with are meaningless anyways I figure, since I'm like 90% cis or something.

But it bothers me from time to time. This being one of those times.

Rest comes down to the normal stresses/bullshit of life. Editing a book and hating my writing about half the time, which is normal for this sort of thing but really stressful. Got a new job about two months ago, and the shine has worn off. Now it's just a job. Nothing bad, but you know, I spend a lot of time there.

Honestly, it's mostly basic shit. Only reason I feel compelled to post at all is I was reading Sandman and there's a short little story in one of the comics about a superhero wanting ot kill herself but she can't because of superpowers, and I kinda started crying by the end. Never done that before. Come close sometimes, but usually not over something so fucking bleak like that.

And now this is all on paper...internet text. Not sure i feel better though.

 

[K.Sabot]

Insomnia's a bitch.

Nothing like forgetting how to sleep to make you feel like a failure in life.

 

[The Wall]

Normally lurk, but I've been feeling extra shitty and figure maybe I should just get it out in writing somewhere. I think most of it can be chalked up to the weather. Winter has finally hit, at least in terms of temperatures, and I haven't exactly seen the sun in awhile. Not good. I had seasonal depression super bad last year, and while it hasn't hit that hard this year, I've still got at least two more months of this shit, maybe three if mother nature is being extra cunty.

~snipped for length

And now this is all on paper...internet text. Not sure i feel better though.

Try picking one new thing to do for yourself today or tomorrow. Or something you stopped doing that was good for you. Even if it's just a five minute stretch session, or writing down at least one thing every day that was a good thing that happened or you were grateful for. Winter's can be hard on a lot of people so reminding yourself of positive things that maybe you've become numb to can help pull you away from negative rumination.

 

[Steamlord]

Well that went poorly. I love that condescending smile and nod they give you after you fumble your way through a response and trail off at the end.

 

[Palpable]

I hope things work out for you, Piano.

Here we go again. I went out with some friends from work last night. Went downtown to a party at a bar to see DJ Wax Motif. Got drunk and had a good time. Went to bed and had a dream about my ex (surprise, surprise). This time it was polar opposite of the last dream. In this one she began talking to me again. In the dream, she had moved to Hawaii with her boyfriend and she wasn't happy with him. It was relieving to talk to her again on good terms (in the dream), but then I woke up feeling like shit (because both the dream & hangover). I'm not liking the frequency of these dreams now.

Also, my grandpa is in hospice care starting today. I'm flying back home for 4 days to visit. I will miss him when he is gone

 

[Gitakaren]

Hi Guys,

Long time lurker here, and also previous sufferer of depression. I don't know what good will come from my writing here, but maybe it might help someone out.

I've been suffering depression on and off, ever since I got my first job. I say on & off, but there was definitely a pattern to when my depression became most active.

It first started a year in on my first job. When I first started working, everything was exciting. I was learning new things everyday, getting to know new people, and having that determined feeling to succeed. It was only an entry level job as an engineer in a family owned factory, but I strove to make as much as impact as I could.

However, as time passed by (a year), things of course started to taper off. I wasn't learning anything new. Projects became tasks, tasks became chores. It was no longer as exciting as it once was. Safe to say the job was boring the hell out of me, but since it was my first job, I did not really expect much and had already been actively looking for a better job.

Once I got a better job, as an engineer in a big company working on helicopter engines, things really started to pick up. My pay was much better, I could afford my own car and apartment, and I was living closer to friends and family. There were also a TON of things to learn. That thrill came back, and I was genuinely happy...

...for about 2 years. And this time, I couldn't really pinpoint the reason as to why I was so down, so depressed. I had more than enough money to support all the hobbies I had (gaming, music, anime etc), had great friends all around, and working on cutting edge technology all the time. I even got married during this period. So then, why am I so depressed all the time? I thought it would go away, but 12 excruciating months later all it did was get worse. It started affecting my work, I stopped becoming a good co-worker & husband, hung out less and less with my friends, and even my hobbies started to lose their fun & meaning.

Desperate for change, I did the only thing I could think of at that time, quit and get a new job. Hey, it worked the first time, maybe it'll work again. The new job I got wasn't really an upgrade, moreso a sidegrade, but surprisingly, it worked. The depression vanished, almost like magic. I was determined to not let this turn out the same way as the previous two jobs, so I made an extra effort to constantly try and have a positive outlook on life and to keep that thrill going on.

But it was not to be. Just 8 months in, that depression came back, faster and stronger than ever, and it hit me like a truck. Desperate again, I did all sorts of crazy things, since I knew simply quitting and getting another job wasn't gonna cut it this time. I fought hard to get promoted. I put myself on the toughest projects. I even demanded a pay raise, which the company acceded to. Nothing really worked, as I could feel that depressive state just lingering behind every success. But this time, though, I ran into a few special people.

On this new job, I got to meet and work with the owners of several companies. There was Al*(not real name), the millionaire owner of a steel foundry. Steve*, an even crazily wealthier person owning several machine shops, and Mo, owner of a small tech company. These were three very different people, all successful, and yet all more humble than even the lowliest of managers/team leaders I've ever come across. During my work with them, each one radiated peace, which is a direct opposite to the more hectic corporate life the higher you climb. I never really got to talk to them deeply about my troubles, since we had a mostly working relationship, but I was really attracted to their common theme; they were all business owners.

So, after much discussion with my wife (more like forcing on my side), I took the plunge. Wrote up a business plan, got some funding, quit my job, and opened up a specialist clinic (my wife being the doctor). I did all the things my wife couldn't do; marketing, finance, management etc. And again that depression vanished, but I wasn't convinced it was permanently gone. Instead, something else happened. After our first year where we were doing sorta well breaking even, our sales started plummeting like a rock. Till this day I have no idea why, people just stopped coming for various reasons. I was backdated 3 months on my loans, I could only pay the minimum on our utility bills, and even then only when they shut the water/electricity off. I got blacklisted for my unpaid phone bill and maxed credit cards. My wife and I fought on a weekly basis. I truly believed I would go bankrupt at that point, and even contemplated suicide.

But I loved my wife enough to not leave her alone with all the problems I've led both of us to. I told her I'll stick with her with the business until the repossessors lock us out of our clinic and take away our house keys. I owed her at least that much.

This is when the miracle happened. After over a year of living vicariously with each sale determining our livelihood, with scraping by each week with just enough to pay off the minimum to our creditors to keep the lawyers of our backs (we had to talk down quite a few), sales started to go up, even higher than before when we first opened. I'm talking two to three times higher. And again, there really was no unifying reason for it. Some customers came due to surprise referrals, some of them through Google (which we never paid for), some through just passing by the neighborhood and coming across our signboard. I felt like a man in a desert, dying of thirst, and coming across an oasis.

It's been more than a year since, I have a daughter now, with enough money to live in comfort and provide for my family. And I realized something. My depression is gone. I mean Gone, gone. Just like those 3 people I met, Al, Steve & Mo, I feel more at peace than I've ever been in my life, and I'm convinced its gonna stay that way. I make it a point now to help those around me that I see are going through what I went through.

I believe, solving depression isn't about opening a business. It isn't about changing jobs or scenery. Its not about changing what you do, but about changing what you are. And you cannot change what you are, without being put through the most difficult life-altering trials. Just like the feeling of thirst is a symptom of needing water, just like pain is a symptom of illness, depression is simply a symptom of the mind/brain. If you are depressed, your brain is telling you that it needs change. It doesn't want to simply keep doing what its doing. It wants to improve. And the more you fight that wanting to change, the more you think you feel comfortable in your own self, the more it will try to hurt you. And it will continue hurting you, until you do something about it. There is only so much painkillers or therapy can do to mask it.

So if you are suffering from depression, this is the advice I can give you as a previous sufferer of depression. Go out there and do what you've really dreamt of doing. No matter how stupid it is, no matter how dangerous it is, no matter what the people around you say. Open up a business, talk to that pretty lady/guy, join a local football team, invest your life savings in a pyramid scheme (okay, maybe not that last one). Do something that you'd never thought you'd do but always wanted to, and see it through the end no matter what happens. Do something, where failure is not an option. At worst you'll continue being depressed, but at best you'll find at the end of all that something beautiful. A better more improved you. And all the pain in the world is worth that, believe me.

If anyone here wants to message or talk, please feel free PM me, I'm more than happy to be of help to anyone. Cheers!