Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
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(Great post Kitaren)
First time poster but suffered with GAD for a couple years, properly. I wanna ask you guys how do I know whether anxiety/fear is telling me I don't want to do something or whether I don't actually want to do it? So a little background...
I've been planning for the last few months to head out to Austin, Texas (I'm from the UK) and volunteer to work at SXSW. Having Anxiety, this is a pretty big deal for me: leaving home on my own, getting on a plane and going half-way around the world to help set up a festival.
I did it partly because I wanted to go somewhere new and partly to meet new people and build confidence. But recently, I feel like I've bitten a little more off than I can chew. I got the idea of working the festival from someone I met around this time last year and I'm starting to doubt whether this is something I want to do or an idea that I just stole off someone else.
Then again, I don't know if that's fear talking. Sometimes, I think about going and I'm excited, then others I'm paralysed with Anxiety/Fear that something might go wrong or that I might need to go home all of a sudden.
I'm relatively outgoing when it comes to my friends and I'm always up for gigs and music etc. I even play live myself but I do sometimes struggle with festivals like Glastonbury being around so many people that can automatically have a good time. For what it's worth, I'm staying in a hostel in a mixed 6-bed dorm and I feel like that's the thing I'm least worried about.
So, I've rambled a little: Is there a way you guys tell whether there's something you don't actually want to do or you are just scared/anxious of doing?
First time poster but suffered with GAD for a couple years, properly. I wanna ask you guys how do I know whether anxiety/fear is telling me I don't want to do something or whether I don't actually want to do it? So a little background...
I've been planning for the last few months to head out to Austin, Texas (I'm from the UK) and volunteer to work at SXSW. Having Anxiety, this is a pretty big deal for me: leaving home on my own, getting on a plane and going half-way around the world to help set up a festival.
I did it partly because I wanted to go somewhere new and partly to meet new people and build confidence. But recently, I feel like I've bitten a little more off than I can chew. I got the idea of working the festival from someone I met around this time last year and I'm starting to doubt whether this is something I want to do or an idea that I just stole off someone else.
Then again, I don't know if that's fear talking. Sometimes, I think about going and I'm excited, then others I'm paralysed with Anxiety/Fear that something might go wrong or that I might need to go home all of a sudden.
I'm relatively outgoing when it comes to my friends and I'm always up for gigs and music etc. I even play live myself but I do sometimes struggle with festivals like Glastonbury being around so many people that can automatically have a good time. For what it's worth, I'm staying in a hostel in a mixed 6-bed dorm and I feel like that's the thing I'm least worried about.
So, I've rambled a little: Is there a way you guys tell whether there's something you don't actually want to do or you are just scared/anxious of doing?
If it feels like a punishment then it's for sure something you don't wanna do. From what I read in your post though, I can definitely relate and it sounds like you really wanna do it but the hype you created in your head is overwhelming you.
Bagels! I'd love to hear about the big things happening in Bagels land if you ever feel inclined to pop back in. I hope your 2016 is splendid!
I've learned not to put too much stock into the messed up things I dream about. Sometimes they have a basis in reality, but other times they're just total drive-bys that I'll probably never understand and don't make any sense.
The nights are the toughest part of being alone. Whenever I get the urge to call / text an ex whom I'm not talking to I find that my best bet is often to say "okay, I'll make it through tonight and then I'll text her tomorrow morning if I still want to" and I almost never do until the next night when I go through the rodeo again. I think volunteering, or otherwise finding more ways to participate in things that interest you is a great idea not only because it'll be a learning experience in its own right but also because it'll be less time spent alone, ruminating. And that's usually a good thing for me.
I hope the Wellbutrin works out well, Xe4!
Thanks for joining us, Cbfd. I think everything you posted are completely legitimate considerations that are worth thinking about, chipping away at and working on, but I also think the suffering you're experiencing from those concerns is very likely magnified by being holed up in the middle of winter. I've learned that I HAVE to make myself get out every day, at least for a half hour walk or something, and get some sun, otherwise I will find something to be in a funk about. It doesn't matter how well things are going, isolation or being cooped up will throw a wrench into my feelings every time.
Do you have any sense of what's brought on the insomnia, k.sabot?
Do you get a rush of adrenaline at interviews that makes you trip over your words, Steamlord, or otherwise makes you nervous?
I hope things work out for you, Piano.
Here we go again. I went out with some friends from work last night. Went downtown to a party at a bar to see DJ Wax Motif. Got drunk and had a good time. Went to bed and had a dream about my ex (surprise, surprise). This time it was polar opposite of the last dream. In this one she began talking to me again. In the dream, she had moved to Hawaii with her boyfriend and she wasn't happy with him. It was relieving to talk to her again on good terms (in the dream), but then I woke up feeling like shit (because both the dream & hangover). I'm not liking the frequency of these dreams now.
Also, my grandpa is in hospice care starting today. I'm flying back home for 4 days to visit. I will miss him when he is gone
I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa, IP, I hope your visit goes well.
I haven't got any ace ways to deal with unpleasant dreams, but they're nearly always things that come and go, so I hope you can take it one night at a time as your deeper mind works out whatever it's fixated on.
Thanks for joining us, Gitakaren, and I'm glad you found a way out of the darkness you've struggled with!
I agree that often a change can take us out of a dark place, but it's important to remember that none of our experiences are universal, and the darkness hits different people for different reasons. While one aspect of my depressions have been circumstantial (especially stemming from isolation), when it kept popping up in different circumstances I had to ask myself what the common thread was (my struggle for meaning, my ruthless anxiety).
While I agree somewhat with your sentiment that therapy and medication can only do so much for those in a position of suffering - ultimately there must also be some effort from the individual to change what needs to be changed, whether it be internal or external - I disagree that they are simply means of masking the problem. Medication is symptom relief, and relief from symptoms often gives people the strength they need in order to be able to make those changes, and thus can be an absolute necessity. Therapy isn't about masking suffering at all - it's the complete opposite! Therapy is about running into the problems, not away from them, and trying to learn about what's going on so that we can find lasting relief through internal and external changes.
I also agree about avoiding pyramid schemes. A friend of mine got canvassed HARD by an Amway guy once. It was simultaneously amusing and scary. At least we got some free Amway gear out of it.
In my experience it's been a bit of a trial and error thing; like, taking note of how I feel about it, doing it or not doing it, and then taking note of the results. I found that most of the time I shouldn't listen to my fear but sometimes there is this weight in my heart and stomach about something that signals to me that I ACTUALLY do not want to do something. It's not a perfect science, but I've gotten better over time at reading the signals my brain is sending me.
So I'd encourage you to think of it as a study of your own mind and anxiety and, well, start experimenting!
<3
This is me, so much. In fact, even though I don't really feel like it, I think I'm gonna force myself to go for a walk. It's sunny outside (albeit cold) but my mood is junk and maybe moving around a bit will do me some good.
Yeah, that's part of it I guess. I also just don't have answers for a lot of their questions. If they ask about my experience I'm screwed because I have virtually no experience, and I try to spin that in a positive light but I can't manage to do it and I'll realize that halfway through my sentence and just sort of stop because I don't know what to say next. I just want to say the right thing and then I realize I can't because I'm not even sure there is a right thing and I get all flustered. Then I get flustered because I'm flustered and it becomes a vicious circle. And I mean, they can tell before the interview even starts because I have "timid" written all over me. I try to fake it and it just doesn't work.
But at the interview they mentioned doing a "story time" or whatever with kids so maybe it's for the best that I don't get the job. Because I can't do that.
ugaboga232
Member
Hi everyone, first year md/phd student looking to do a phd in neuropsychiatric disorders and maybe end up a psychiatrist, just wanted to say there is a (growing) scientific/medical community working hard to figure out better treatments for depression et al. Having had social anxiety and on and off depression for a while, I know a little bit of how hard these diseases are and especially how poorly understood they are. There is hope and if anyone wants to learn a bit more about the science I can post some cool blogs and therapies. Just trying to spread some hope because these are incredibly difficult diseases to treat and coexist with (and are sadly going to soon be the most debilitating class of diseases in a few years in america). Also if any pre-meds are in this thread I can give some pointers on that too!
Echoing a poster a few posts up, leaving the house, going outdoors for a bit is really important for mood both in my anecdotal experiences and in some new literature. Hopefully everyone has a good night (gonna get watch the republican debate and get some laughs that way).
Echoing a poster a few posts up, leaving the house, going outdoors for a bit is really important for mood both in my anecdotal experiences and in some new literature. Hopefully everyone has a good night (gonna get watch the republican debate and get some laughs that way).
Charles Foster Kane
Rosebud
Been getting low lows lately.
I don't know any off of the top of my head, rrw. Perhaps if you hunt around Amazon there might be some with good reviews?
It's worth keeping in mind, though, that depression is pretty different for every person so there's always going to be a degree of having to learn how to deal with a specific person's issues.
Well, the reason I asked about adrenaline is because there is a very safe class of medications, called beta blockers, which are routinely used for performance anxiety. I had to get some from my doctor when I was having some real issues not screwing things up in front of crowds and they helped immensely. It's not that I don't still have the anxious thoughts, but I can feel those anxious thoughts hitting the "ADRENALINE / PANIC" button and then...nothing happens. It prevents the sort of vicious cycle you mentioned, where one issue cascades into a bunch of others. I was overjoyed when I was presenting in front of my class, screwed something up, and then just moved on.
Beta blockers are used by a wide variety of people for all sorts of performance anxiety - musicians take them before auditions or performances, police officers take them before testimonies, politicians take them before big speeches. Other than the suppression of adrenaline I couldn't tell I was on anything at all.
Thanks for the insight, ugaboga! I'd be very interested to see whatever blogs / info on treatments you've got to provide.
Also, mad respect to you for the field of work you're pursuing.
Not Prozac, but I have taken Klonopin concurrently with other SSRIs and have had no ill effects.
Any sense of what's causing them, CFK?
<3
Oh, I have beta blockers that I take in these situations. They probably help some, but not enough.
Well, it's been a while since I've posted here, as I thought things were getting better for a while there.
CLIFF NOTES VERSION
I was laid off in 2011, finished up my degree, but have since been unable to find any full time jobs in any career I'm qualified for. I could even get hired by fast food companies. All I want is a stable full time job. I'm a loyal hard working employee and no one wants to take advantage of that.
BONUS
Last year, my wife and I almost ot a divorce because of all of these problems (among others) but we've grown stronger since. I hit a super low at that point.
Now, we're about to lose our house to foreclosure and I'm terrified. Terrified of the stigma of being unable to provide for my family. Unable to get a full time job. The possibility of not being able to find someone wiling to rent to us because of said foreclosure. How my daughter will feel about losing the home she grew up in. That we might have to lose the family dog if we have to rent somewhere else and they don't accept pets.
I'm about to celebrate my 2 year work anniversary at the part time job I have. Despite having a great boss and enjoying my job, corporate only allows a 2% raise (we were supposed to get raises last year but a lawsuit caused everyone to defer them until now).. I'm told that corporate considers my new position part of a raise, so I don't get the full 2% my boss wants to give me and only gave me 1%, so I get a whopping .10 raise for being a loyal employee. Our department is down to 3 people now and I'm working double shifts and practically every day to help them out.
I've detailed my job troubles in the Job Search/Soul Crush thread. Companies who string you along for months through multiple interviews only to fill the position internally or to ignore any attempt at following up.
My mother in law was going to move in with us when she got a divorce which would have helped out, but that's not happening now. My father in law already helped us out when my wife's car engine died, so I'm out of options for help. I've sought out help with foreclosure prevention in the past and got our mortgage adjusted, and we're still having problems.
I would say I'm depressed, but I think I'm just numb to everything now. Its hard to hope, after trying and trying. I feel I can't speak to anyone about this, and my wife knows in general we're in trouble I don't know if she knows how bad it is. she knows we're likely to lose the house but I think she thinks of it as a possibility for down the road one day.
I just don't know what to do or say anymore. I just I could feel something. It's depressing to think you deserve this and that nothing good will ever happen in your life. That somehow you're cursed and things will always be bad no mater how hard you try.
It may also be worth mentioning that I've been sick for the last month or two non-stop.. more so if you count other ailments I can't get fixed due to not having decent health insurance.
I just want to cry or feel something right now other than inevitability and not having any control over my life.
CLIFF NOTES VERSION
I was laid off in 2011, finished up my degree, but have since been unable to find any full time jobs in any career I'm qualified for. I could even get hired by fast food companies. All I want is a stable full time job. I'm a loyal hard working employee and no one wants to take advantage of that.
BONUS
Last year, my wife and I almost ot a divorce because of all of these problems (among others) but we've grown stronger since. I hit a super low at that point.
Now, we're about to lose our house to foreclosure and I'm terrified. Terrified of the stigma of being unable to provide for my family. Unable to get a full time job. The possibility of not being able to find someone wiling to rent to us because of said foreclosure. How my daughter will feel about losing the home she grew up in. That we might have to lose the family dog if we have to rent somewhere else and they don't accept pets.
I'm about to celebrate my 2 year work anniversary at the part time job I have. Despite having a great boss and enjoying my job, corporate only allows a 2% raise (we were supposed to get raises last year but a lawsuit caused everyone to defer them until now).. I'm told that corporate considers my new position part of a raise, so I don't get the full 2% my boss wants to give me and only gave me 1%, so I get a whopping .10 raise for being a loyal employee. Our department is down to 3 people now and I'm working double shifts and practically every day to help them out.
I've detailed my job troubles in the Job Search/Soul Crush thread. Companies who string you along for months through multiple interviews only to fill the position internally or to ignore any attempt at following up.
My mother in law was going to move in with us when she got a divorce which would have helped out, but that's not happening now. My father in law already helped us out when my wife's car engine died, so I'm out of options for help. I've sought out help with foreclosure prevention in the past and got our mortgage adjusted, and we're still having problems.
I would say I'm depressed, but I think I'm just numb to everything now. Its hard to hope, after trying and trying. I feel I can't speak to anyone about this, and my wife knows in general we're in trouble I don't know if she knows how bad it is. she knows we're likely to lose the house but I think she thinks of it as a possibility for down the road one day.
I just don't know what to do or say anymore. I just I could feel something. It's depressing to think you deserve this and that nothing good will ever happen in your life. That somehow you're cursed and things will always be bad no mater how hard you try.
It may also be worth mentioning that I've been sick for the last month or two non-stop.. more so if you count other ailments I can't get fixed due to not having decent health insurance.
I just want to cry or feel something right now other than inevitability and not having any control over my life.
Conkersbadfurday
Member
Yeah. I really do think this is mostly the problem. Shame it's been so fucking cold lately. I mean, about time given that I live in the Midwest, but gawd has it been cold over the last few days. I need to get the fuck outside though.
This is honestly kinda what I need to hear. Whole reason I joined this website was to get in with the gaming side because I'm trying to make one/start a business with my bro. Two years now and we're getting really far into our little pet project. Right now, we've been talking about making it not a pet project, and we have the money saved aside to jump balls deep into it.Gitakaren said:
He's cool with it and I'm terrified. I don't like my job, but I don't hate it, and ti's not a bridge I"d like to just casually burn. That being said, it's not fulfilling in the slightest. I"ll be spending next week going through and reorganizing a bunch of filing systems because we're about to be audited. Hoorah! Cept idgaf if we pass or fail the audit. Just a job.
So this back and forth we've been having for a few months now has been kinda stressful.
And fuck, we really just need to do it because it might not get done if we don't
But I also haven't worked on it in a few weeks because I only have so much energy these days D:It's 6 something in the morning listening to some Meat Loaf and tears streaming down my face. Was browsing reddit and came across one of the posts about someone's dog passing away. It just reminds me that my dog is getting up there in age and won't be here forever and it's just wrecking me. I get more emotional over the thought of losing my dog than when my grandpa passed away a few years ago. I am sure this will pass but for now I am just going to let it flow and be a mess till it's over with no reason trying to fight it.
Keep falling off the wagon in a lot of respects. It feels like every time things get the least bit better there's some amount of backslide and the cycle repeats.
I'm having increasing spurts of anxiety and low mood despite being on a new medication, and job stresses and financial stresses (the latter of which is probably the biggest weight in my life at the moment) have me feeling trapped. I keep making plans to pay off debts and be in a better place financially but it seems insurmountable and like I'll never catch up and be completely in the black.
I'm smack in the middle of it but still feel like I'm missing out on what should be my best years.
I'm having increasing spurts of anxiety and low mood despite being on a new medication, and job stresses and financial stresses (the latter of which is probably the biggest weight in my life at the moment) have me feeling trapped. I keep making plans to pay off debts and be in a better place financially but it seems insurmountable and like I'll never catch up and be completely in the black.
I'm smack in the middle of it but still feel like I'm missing out on what should be my best years.
Been fighting depression hard since my tbi in January 2014. Somedays are better than others. I refuse to ask drs for help for fear of losing my job (was a work related accident so my job sees it all.)
Ive recently started magnesium therapy and I dont know if ive just been on a good "time frame" and coincidence or if it's actually helping. Im hoping its helping. Depression is fn exhausting especially when your brain is already having a bitch of a time trying to function as it is.
Ive recently started magnesium therapy and I dont know if ive just been on a good "time frame" and coincidence or if it's actually helping. Im hoping its helping. Depression is fn exhausting especially when your brain is already having a bitch of a time trying to function as it is.
Could you try a higher dose? I wish I had further pro-tips on managing performance anxiety but it's something I'm still trying to conquer.
Why were you so bored, void666?
That sounds like an immensely difficult set of circumstances, Cth, and I think it's completely reasonable for it to have socked you like it has. I think what's most important is finding a sense of support from someone, anyone - I think holding it all in just makes it seem twice as bad. Is there anyone you can open up to or speak to about what's going on, either friend or family member? You're also welcome to keep us posted. I hope things work out as well as they can.
Stay strong Kipp, I believe in you.
Welcome, Jonogunn! Glad you could join us
Sometimes it's righteous and wonderful to have a hard cry. It's been a difficult weekend but I finally broke down and BAWLED last night and I'm so glad I did - I slept much better than I thought I would, I guess because I wore myself out / let my emotions out.
It's double awesome when I can find some music that really syncs up with what I'm feeling.
Either way, losing a pet is hard, redlegs, but you'll have to cross that bridge when you get to it. In the meantime I hope you can continue to appreciate the time you have together.
It seems to me that any years can be our "best years" - the 20s/early 30s are only pegged as such because they have the highest concentration of things that society tells us we're supposed to enjoy. The point is that what makes our "best years" is ultimately more personal than that, and whatever is "best" for us we can work to maintain as we move throughout our lives.
Like, some people think high school is the best years of your lives, and I've never understood it. Yeah, high school was simple relative to where I am now but I wouldn't ever want to go back. It was all so angsty and weird.
Are you in the US, GB? I'm not sure that a job can legally terminate you for seeking mental health treatment. Either way, I hope you find some peace of mind.
Wouldn't going that way be tremendously painful, though?
Sometimes I want to go out into the forest and disappear. It seems like easiest way to just blip out. But I always get caught up on how it could go wrong; there really isn't a "clean break" with life, I don't think. Such is the human condition, I suppose.
I hope your week offers some peace of mind, neojubei.
<3
yeah that fucks me up too. it's the reason why I don't want a dog, even though I love dogs
Thanks. It's kind of lame though, because in this case, staying strong still means not enjoying anything nor finding joy in anything. It just means that I'm not feeling actively miserable. Haha
Also, I'm fairly certain I can conclusively say that my new meds aren't working. It's been probably 10 weeks now and no change. Ugh.
UPDATE:
I tried to talk to the wife yesterday, but she didn't want to hear any depressing stuff at the time (she had just worked a 12 hour shift) but got to approach the subject today.
It seems we're both on the same page, with regards to losing the house. It's been something we've kept at bay for years, but it's going to finally happen. I'm going to approach them to see if we can do a deed-in-lieu potentially so we get less of a credit hit on our already bad credit. Which I think will make the hunt for a new house a little easier.
To be honest, we honestly could use a smaller home and it'd give us a chance to do things differently that we couldn't the first time (covered porch, etc). We never fixed up our home, but now thanks to being laid off, we've learned to live with less, appreciate more what we have, etc.
She grew up with a rich family, whereas I was poor, so I've been used to making do, while it's been harder for her over the years. Not sure if I mentioned it earlier, but her mom is getting divorced again, so I think she's seen that its an opportunity to get rid of clutter, reinvent yourself and make a house your own (in our 10+ years, we only painted two rooms and had matching furniture in the past year)
So, with any luck we'll find something. Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully this is the year things change (wife is getting health issues taken care of after years of being unable to afford to do so; so hopefully this means I can get a job too!)
I tried to talk to the wife yesterday, but she didn't want to hear any depressing stuff at the time (she had just worked a 12 hour shift) but got to approach the subject today.
It seems we're both on the same page, with regards to losing the house. It's been something we've kept at bay for years, but it's going to finally happen. I'm going to approach them to see if we can do a deed-in-lieu potentially so we get less of a credit hit on our already bad credit. Which I think will make the hunt for a new house a little easier.
To be honest, we honestly could use a smaller home and it'd give us a chance to do things differently that we couldn't the first time (covered porch, etc). We never fixed up our home, but now thanks to being laid off, we've learned to live with less, appreciate more what we have, etc.
She grew up with a rich family, whereas I was poor, so I've been used to making do, while it's been harder for her over the years. Not sure if I mentioned it earlier, but her mom is getting divorced again, so I think she's seen that its an opportunity to get rid of clutter, reinvent yourself and make a house your own (in our 10+ years, we only painted two rooms and had matching furniture in the past year)
So, with any luck we'll find something. Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully this is the year things change (wife is getting health issues taken care of after years of being unable to afford to do so; so hopefully this means I can get a job too!)
I think it's time to do a mass-purging of my Facebook. Today already started out very badly and then I saw a picture of my college teacher with one of his students who had just won some competition award. And all I could think was that could have been me, if genetics and fate had turned out just slightly differently. And then I completely fucking lost it.
Three years ago, I tried to take the position that I was deeply grieved that I couldn't perform anymore but I was still glad that my friends could. Time has greatly eroded that position because the grieving has never stopped (nor can it) and my "friends" have largely drifted away because I'm no longer of performing use to them. All that's left is anger and resentment and those aren't exactly doing the best job of keeping me fueled.
I think I'm going to knock myself out early with some drugs tonight because I'm fucking miserable. Anything that'll get me to sleep faster.
Three years ago, I tried to take the position that I was deeply grieved that I couldn't perform anymore but I was still glad that my friends could. Time has greatly eroded that position because the grieving has never stopped (nor can it) and my "friends" have largely drifted away because I'm no longer of performing use to them. All that's left is anger and resentment and those aren't exactly doing the best job of keeping me fueled.
I think I'm going to knock myself out early with some drugs tonight because I'm fucking miserable. Anything that'll get me to sleep faster.
Still feel disconnected, I hate talking to my family and want to avoid them.
Also, I've attempted to take my life 2-3 times, I know when I was 9, I wanted a car to run me over because my extended family wasn't paying attention to me and then 2009, I held my brothers gun and wondered...
It's been a battle but spending New Years alone hit me the hardest. 3 weeks and I still hate myself. I keep thinking what if...
Right now, I'm just punching myself.
Also, I've attempted to take my life 2-3 times, I know when I was 9, I wanted a car to run me over because my extended family wasn't paying attention to me and then 2009, I held my brothers gun and wondered...
It's been a battle but spending New Years alone hit me the hardest. 3 weeks and I still hate myself. I keep thinking what if...
Right now, I'm just punching myself.
The way people with mental health issues are treated is disgusting. I find it frustrating that barely anybody (including doctors) understand how severe conditions like anxiety and depression are. People who suffer from anxiety, depression and similar conditions are pretty much just ignored and told to get over it. Instead of being the person who is suffering from a condition that could potentially lead to death, you are just a weirdo who needs to get out more. The person who doesn't leave his/her house because the social anxiety is telling them to avoid going outside is just a loser. The person suffering from severe depression is miserable and doesn't understand how good he/she has it.
The people suffering from these conditions start to believe that too. They start to feel ashamed and blame themselves. That can then lead to much more serious mental health issues.
And nobody ever cares.
The people suffering from these conditions start to believe that too. They start to feel ashamed and blame themselves. That can then lead to much more serious mental health issues.
And nobody ever cares.
User 479360
Banned
Well-said
Unfortunately, that's how a lot of people are. It's, "Hey you! You're an able bodied person with no physical handicap. Get out and get a job. You're useless and a waste of space otherwise." And "Shake it out of your head. It's stupidity."
I've dealt with/heard that a lot and it makes things worse. It makes you feel like shit because they're ignorant.
p_xavier
Authorized Fister
Oh yes, I understand the frustration. I get major anxiety. I have some much anxiety that I can't even go on holidays anymore because I'm scared of going through customs. If there's more than 12 people I get panic attacks.
People say to get over it, but I can't control that.
Yes in the US. I dont think they could actually either but being the type of job I hold it could be used against me. Ill just leave it at that. Im just a very stubborn prideful man. Ive fought hard these past two years to get where im at. Months upon months of different therapies to relearn how to live basically. Doctors never pictured me being at this point at this stage. I worked so hard im now actually back at work! Its a struggle but its now actually contributing to my depression (when I thought it would help.) Its made me realize the drs were right that I do have disabilities. I just feel like half a man I once was.
I dont know. I know it's been only 2 years and I went through a life changing event. Maybe its got to grow on me I dont know. I hate not knowing who I am when I look at myself in the mirror. Im not the old me anymore, im some random new shell. Its so hard to explain what this tbi has done to me unless you knew me well before and now. It's depressing really. I know a lot has to do with my never give up thick headed wanna be tough guy mentality, but I guess at the end of the day Id probably be worse off without it.
It eats me up some days. Ill just stand in the shower and ball my eyes out. I went from being a very physically fit muscular 235lbs who worked out daily to now barely being able to eat a meal a day because of all the meds, the gym just can't happen because I can't handle it, ive lost most of my muscle and I weight 170lbs. Its gross. I know in the grand scheme of things that is nothing but it doesn't help.
Ok im done im just whining now. Whining does noone good
, still got my sense of humor at leastugaboga232
Member
Even the doctor community has a lot of changing to go through but most of the more neuro/psych focused and primary care doctors at the center where I study seem rather sensitive (in a good way) to the complexities of mental health.
http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/0...n-the-pipeline-2015-drugs-in-clinical-trials/ is a decent list of up and coming drugs (the hot ones are the NMDA antagonists modeled after ketamine which could be a game changer, hopefully, in treatment resistant depression).
http://kavliblog.org/2014/12/10/your-brain-is-not-soup/ is a good blog by an MD/PhD professor at the New York State Psychiatric Institute (affiliated with Columbia University) though I do think he is a little too harsh on pharamacology as a stop gap measure as some of the above drugs seem to have a decent effect though I agree current drugs suck both from a literature perspective and personal use.
TL;DR there is hope and a large and growing community (Obama reallocated a lot of money for neuro research which usually has the target of neuropsychiatric disorders under the grant) dedicated to helping all of us feel better.
To add: none of this is anyone's fault, mental illness is very much a physical illness with unknown and complicated/subtle etiologies. As much as there is a classical view that the brain and body are separate and "mind over matter," the reality is current literature suggests our free will is limited (which calls into question a million things about the way our civilizations/societies are organized but thats a topic for other posts) and so we should all try not to blame ourselves as hard as that is. No one deserves any illness especially mental illness. Best of luck to everyone!
http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/0...n-the-pipeline-2015-drugs-in-clinical-trials/ is a decent list of up and coming drugs (the hot ones are the NMDA antagonists modeled after ketamine which could be a game changer, hopefully, in treatment resistant depression).
http://kavliblog.org/2014/12/10/your-brain-is-not-soup/ is a good blog by an MD/PhD professor at the New York State Psychiatric Institute (affiliated with Columbia University) though I do think he is a little too harsh on pharamacology as a stop gap measure as some of the above drugs seem to have a decent effect though I agree current drugs suck both from a literature perspective and personal use.
TL;DR there is hope and a large and growing community (Obama reallocated a lot of money for neuro research which usually has the target of neuropsychiatric disorders under the grant) dedicated to helping all of us feel better.
To add: none of this is anyone's fault, mental illness is very much a physical illness with unknown and complicated/subtle etiologies. As much as there is a classical view that the brain and body are separate and "mind over matter," the reality is current literature suggests our free will is limited (which calls into question a million things about the way our civilizations/societies are organized but thats a topic for other posts) and so we should all try not to blame ourselves as hard as that is. No one deserves any illness especially mental illness. Best of luck to everyone!
I feel like my entire life is being controlled by my own fear. Fear of being unemployed so I stay at a job that is ruining my life and relationships. Fear of failure which is stopping me from going to school, and so many other examples. I've posted the same thing probably a good ten times the past year. And yet I've done nothing. Made no steps to change things, because I still believe that I can manage things even though the second I start to have to care for someone aside from myself, everything falls apart.
Anhedonia (sp) sucks. My therapist says its like the reverse manic/depressive where instead of fluxing between manic and depressive you just flux between 'meh" apathy and depression. I honestly don't think its ever going to be "fixed" or get better. For me its more of learning how to live with it and plan around it. My "manic' moments are trying to fill my life with things to distract from it (like Lego sets or games) and then not touching them for various reasons. Recognizing those signs is big, I guess i'm just having problems with what to do with those signs and self awareness. I don't know, I don't mean to try and make it sound hopeless but just learn to enjoy those apathy filled swings somehow and stay strong brother from another mother.
My psych dr. is about to change up my meds big time because its became my normal flat line again with more dips down lately. From what they said you sometimes have to change up your meds because your body has gotten to use to them. My neurologist is actually getting involved now mostly because he wants to try depakote since it has the added benefit of helping with migraines. I'm not to sure about going on that though because I heard it makes you lose hair and thats like the only thing i'm happy about with my body is still having a full set of hair. I know some drug changes are coming because i get my results from the DNA test they did a couple weeks tomorrow.
MultiJhonny
Banned
Hey guys just wanted to say stay positive (or try to at least) we can all get through whatever troubles we may have. Just remember to never give up even though that may be the easy way out. Just believe in yourself, try and stay positive!
I am about to go on a journey of getting of xanax so I am not looking forward to the withdrawals (hopefully with tapering they won't be too bad) so I hope to come out of it a happier person!
Just remember never give up hope guys/gals! We can all do it! I just want to spread some positivity in here.
Edit: If anyone needs to talk about whatever feel free to PM me! I may be no doctor but I have similar struggles and try to be as positive and easygoing as possible!
I am about to go on a journey of getting of xanax so I am not looking forward to the withdrawals (hopefully with tapering they won't be too bad) so I hope to come out of it a happier person!
Just remember never give up hope guys/gals! We can all do it! I just want to spread some positivity in here.
Edit: If anyone needs to talk about whatever feel free to PM me! I may be no doctor but I have similar struggles and try to be as positive and easygoing as possible!
I've pretty much lost a close friend because all of her sympathy amounts to exactly what you said - get over it.
I went to see a doctor for the first time today. Wasn't expecting much. Nurse said I was going to be seeing a PA. Expectations lowered further. I was pleasantly surprised though and it was a good experience overall; i suppose I may be fortunate in that respect. I'm going to start some medication and see a therapist if I can get myself to do that.... still not sure how I'm going to feel about taking medication as I kind of don't want to. But I've felt really good since that appointment today. Like I've finally done something and made progress somewhere....
Came to a bit of a crappy realization today...
I realized that I'm becoming codependent on my best friend. Specifically, I crave the positive attention and approval I get from being around her.
I have social anxiety disorder, and it's been really difficult in my past friendships to feel close to others because I'm always worried that they don't really like me etc. But this friend has always been super outgoing and awesome to me, way more than anyone else ever has. When I was younger, I wasn't great at reading people or responding normally/appropriately in social situations. But now, I've become almost too calculating, in that I'm very good at giving the response that other people want, but all with the sole purpose of getting people to like me so I don't hate myself.
Unfortunately, I've come to depend on her for my self-worth. Now, in the past I generally depended on others' perceived opinions of me in order to feel good about myself, but their expressed opinions were never strong enough to make me feel half as good as my best friend makes me feel. But any time something threatens this dynamic, my stomach drops and my self-worth goes to shit.
For example, nobody's perfect, including my friend. But whenever an imperfection in my friend comes to light, I start doubting whether her opinion of me really meant anything, and since I have nothing to fall back on, my self-worth takes another tumble.
I know all this is really unhealthy, and I'm going to talk about it with my psych Thursday.
I realized that I'm becoming codependent on my best friend. Specifically, I crave the positive attention and approval I get from being around her.
I have social anxiety disorder, and it's been really difficult in my past friendships to feel close to others because I'm always worried that they don't really like me etc. But this friend has always been super outgoing and awesome to me, way more than anyone else ever has. When I was younger, I wasn't great at reading people or responding normally/appropriately in social situations. But now, I've become almost too calculating, in that I'm very good at giving the response that other people want, but all with the sole purpose of getting people to like me so I don't hate myself.
Unfortunately, I've come to depend on her for my self-worth. Now, in the past I generally depended on others' perceived opinions of me in order to feel good about myself, but their expressed opinions were never strong enough to make me feel half as good as my best friend makes me feel. But any time something threatens this dynamic, my stomach drops and my self-worth goes to shit.
For example, nobody's perfect, including my friend. But whenever an imperfection in my friend comes to light, I start doubting whether her opinion of me really meant anything, and since I have nothing to fall back on, my self-worth takes another tumble.
I know all this is really unhealthy, and I'm going to talk about it with my psych Thursday.
Team Alucard
Banned
How do you justify living when you know you will never be happy?
There is no god. There is no afterlife. This is all there is, and im no longer sure its worth it.
There is no god. There is no afterlife. This is all there is, and im no longer sure its worth it.
ugaboga232
Member
Never say never, lots of smart people (and than me
) are working on these problems and real solutions are coming very soon. Now to wax philosophy, but given that everything in the brain is explained well by modern neuro (at least as much as we can observe) EXCEPT the phenomena of qualia, something must be creating qualia which we can either muck with or there is some spiritual force out there (or everyone but me is a biological zombie which is the boring answer). Tl;dr there is hope on both fronts, and there are lots of people who care about you even if you don't know it yet!
MultiJhonny
Banned
What do you enjoy doing? And if you haven't found that thing then maybe try new things that could make you happy!
Also just because you believe there is no god or afterlife doesn't mean you should quit on living. Life may or may not have any meaning what so ever, but we are here at this moment in time so you might as well enjoy it! Yeah death may be scary (it scares the fuck out of me) but you cannot control the future so it should be something you should not worry about. Put yourself in the best position for the future and live for today. If you have something you want to do but say "well I will just do it tomorrow because I don't have the time" still just fucking do it. Get something done. Whether that be one push up, write one sentence, read one chapter, or call one friend.
We may not know exactly why we are here but we will never know. We are meant to live, so at the very least try. The world is a beautiful place, sure there are horrible things that happen all over but for the majority the world is an awesome place full of wonder, adventures, and different experiences. Try to see the world in a more positive light. Stay away from negative news or just negativity in general (I know it can be hard) but just try to live. Also talking to people not only hear but IRL will help immensely get some shit off your chest and maybe make you feel better.
I hope you find your happiness. Don't give up.
if I had a nickel every time I heard the phrase "get over it" or "stop being a bitch" over the last year...
ugaboga232
Member
Sad too given how major depression alone is going to overtake cardiac problems for the most amount of DALY damage very soon in the USA.
I don't really know what to do with my life anymore. I just have a constant desire to blow my fucking brains out. I don't know if anyone will read this long tired wall of bullshit but here it is for anyone that has a bunch of time to waste.
I was severely depressed in high school, closest I've ever come to killing myself (grabbing a knife and just sitting with it, thinking about doing it, but not doing it). I kind of chalked it up to girl troubles and not really feeling like I belonged to any of the cliques I jumped between as I was a shy/awkward mixed race kid that liked nerdy and art stuff and I went to a preppy white school. I did some therapy and was prescribed prozac - mainly because I demonstrated that I understood intellectually that I had little reason to feel as bad as I did, but still for some reason felt awful in the face of that truth. The meds stopped me from feeling sad all of the time and wanting to die but they just made me feel like I was in a haze and couldn't feel any measure of happiness (the highs) or sadness (the lows), that and it killed my sex drive and I had a gf at the time...so I stopped taking it.
Went to college - some ok times were had for the first year and half but then my group of friends for that time literally stopped talking to me and inviting me to anything out of nowhere in like november of year 2 - my roommate for yr 2 and former year 1 roommate that I went to high school with included. Nothing fucking weirder than having someone pretend you don't exist living with you in the same room every day for like over half a year. I found out later this was purely because I didn't like the same things as them (I liked art and tech stuff and they liked sports...a lot). I don't think I was ever repulsive or abrasive enough to warrant that treatment, but I guess the guy that fashioned himself the head of the group didn't like me at all and everyone kind of followed suit in a very cold fashion. I heard from mutual friends years later that they were always making fun of me behind my back and it made them feel really weird because they felt that it was completely undeserved - apparently my former friends would go as far as to making stuff up about me in order to perpetuate the good time they were having shitting on someone not like them.
My third year of college I lived alone in a small room. I was miserable: woke up, went to class, got food, went to my room. I didn't have any friends at all at that point so that's pretty much how every single day went for that year. There were pockets of time where I went "well fuck everything" and tried exercising regularly but it didn't really do much for me so I stopped eventually.
Fourth year I lived alone in a slightly bigger room, more removed from campus. Started taking art classes and met the coolest people I've ever met in my entire life. I had such a blast drawing and painting with like-minded people. I can say definitively that my last year of college was the happiest time in my life. (I was actually getting fat being merry by being with friends instead of alone and emotionally eating). I felt like a fucking idiot for not having the balls to commit to art my first year.
Sidenote: I loved taking photos and drawing when I was a kid, was told by various family and family friends that the arts were poor career choices because artists were poor and miserable and unhappy (people like my grandpa telling me this as early as age 5) and that it was extremely competitive (which for an extremely shy kid was like, a really shitty thing to say). I was the best in grade school with a friend, by miles above everyone else. But not much competition so I didn't really push myself. High school I was about the same, but it didn't have much of an art program at all so I never pushed myself. I always felt envious of friends that went to a proper art high school because there were really awesome artists there and I just felt that I would never be that good so I just kind of gave up on it as a hobby even.
During college I would occasionally psych myself up to go join a new club or go to a mixer so I could meet new friends. It would either go one of two ways: I'd never make it to the meeting because at some point on the walk over I would feel like throwing up and having a heart attack or I would actually attend the whatever and just be socially paralyzed, unable to engage because everyone else already knew each other and/or I was too shy/felt too alien to belong and just left. Every successful relationship I've ever had I've kind of just accidentally stumbled into.
Then college ended. Lived at home. Didn't know what I wanted to with my life at all, still don't. Wasn't good enough at art or had enough good work to have a portfolio so I kind of struggled with whether or not it was something I could do and eventually kind of gave up on it. Looked for work for a year, couldn't find anything. Economy was shit. Couldn't even get hired at the local supermarket or retail stores because I didn't have 3 yrs experience at any of that stuff. I did have experience in telecomm IT from my college job but didn't have the degrees or proper experience to get a job in that. Felt like total fucking garbage. Motivation to do anything went out of the fucking window.
City gov hired me by chance for a physical job that had nothing to do with what I studied. Had an absolute miserable time for like 9 months because my boss didn't want to hire me and wanted to get me to quit by assigning me such an unfair amount of work that I never had time for lunch breaks and my wrists swelled up so badly that I was vomited from the pain (got it sorted out with injections and later near daily Aleve). After awhile he saw that I was "tough enough" or just a good worker than he liked me and trusted me with higher responsibilities and gave me less grunt work. I've been more or less content at that job for about 5 years because it's easy and the schedule is flexible and it pays well. Small promotion during that time but basically exact same duties. Over those 5 years I've packed on an additional 40-50 lbs. Probably like 70-80 lbs overweight at this point in my life. Which brings me to the present.
For the past 2 months I go to bed wishing I would never wake up and then I wake up wanting to blow my brains out and disappearing into the ether pretty much every fucking day (used to be maybe a few times a year, then once a month, etc). Just completely erasing everything about myself from existence. I've missed so many days from work because I can't get out of bed or because I've been so miserable and fat that I feel like my immune system has gone in the shitter. I used to maintain like 100 hours of vacation time and 40 hrs of sick time every year at this job, and this 5th year I'm basically sub 20 for vacation and like perpetual 8 hrs for sick time if even. That's how much time I've been taking off because I can't summon the fuck to go to get out of bed and deal with living.
I've not seen any of my friends that live in my city in over like two years because I feel so poorly that I keep everyone at least at arms length, trying desperately to avoid dumping my misery onto their lives. I hate imposing on other people and having anyone shoulder my burdens or troubles but me. I can say that most of what used to be waking hours outside of work are now sleeping hours. That includes weekends and now week nights.
I've been wanting to find new work since I basically got the job I have but haven't been able to because I lack any kind of special skillset to enable me to do anything in the game, film, or art industries and/or because I'm fucking HORRIBLE at interviews because they're basically my nightmare scenario of trying to go to a club meeting in college, but compounding that with the fact that it's like a test/verbal presentation (stage fright to the nth degree) of some kind which always stressed me out to no end in school. Everything I want to say ends up getting fucked up or straight up forgotten and when I speak in those interview settings I'm jittery and extremely nervous. I know it looks absolutely unfortunate and bad from an external perspective because I've asked for feedback once or twice. So I'm kind of stuck with the job I have now, not just because I can't get anything else but in addition because my job pays well and is rather secure despite it kind of tiring me the fuck out and not offering me intellectually stimulating anymore. I've never felt as boring as I do now.
And I've only just come to the realization recently that - what a shock - I've been absolutely miserable and something is seriously wrong with me since high school and that I've just been distracting myself to avoid that simple truth with friends, school, work, food, video games, tv shows, movies, etc since then. Even during the happiest year of my life I still irrationally LOATHED myself and was really just completely unable to be OK with myself to the point where I would just never even try to engage anyone for a romantic entanglement because I would just fuck it up with my deep rooted unhappiness.
Looking from the outside, intellectually: I know that my life is actually pretty ok, that I shouldn't hate myself as much as I do because I actually have qualities that are good, great even, that I'm not an ugly piece of garbage, that maybe I can change careers, maybe I can improve my life, my weight, my skills, maybe I am not complete shit and actually worthy of being loved.
I know there is hope for me but I'm just at the point where I'm like "...nah".
I'm so far at the end of my rope I literally can't summon the motivation to breathe most days. If breathing was optional I would have opted out like a month ago and just willingly let myself die. Instead I go through the motions wanting a meteor to vaporize me, or a truck to hit me hard enough to kill me, or for my heart to just give up.
If I ever had a passion or purpose for living, the spark died for it a long time ago. And my spark for just living in general is gone now too. I just can't care about anything anymore to warrant persisting any longer.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't help myself at this point and I seriously doubt any drug or chat time with a psychiatrist will change anything. I don't even know why I posted this.
I was severely depressed in high school, closest I've ever come to killing myself (grabbing a knife and just sitting with it, thinking about doing it, but not doing it). I kind of chalked it up to girl troubles and not really feeling like I belonged to any of the cliques I jumped between as I was a shy/awkward mixed race kid that liked nerdy and art stuff and I went to a preppy white school. I did some therapy and was prescribed prozac - mainly because I demonstrated that I understood intellectually that I had little reason to feel as bad as I did, but still for some reason felt awful in the face of that truth. The meds stopped me from feeling sad all of the time and wanting to die but they just made me feel like I was in a haze and couldn't feel any measure of happiness (the highs) or sadness (the lows), that and it killed my sex drive and I had a gf at the time...so I stopped taking it.
Went to college - some ok times were had for the first year and half but then my group of friends for that time literally stopped talking to me and inviting me to anything out of nowhere in like november of year 2 - my roommate for yr 2 and former year 1 roommate that I went to high school with included. Nothing fucking weirder than having someone pretend you don't exist living with you in the same room every day for like over half a year. I found out later this was purely because I didn't like the same things as them (I liked art and tech stuff and they liked sports...a lot). I don't think I was ever repulsive or abrasive enough to warrant that treatment, but I guess the guy that fashioned himself the head of the group didn't like me at all and everyone kind of followed suit in a very cold fashion. I heard from mutual friends years later that they were always making fun of me behind my back and it made them feel really weird because they felt that it was completely undeserved - apparently my former friends would go as far as to making stuff up about me in order to perpetuate the good time they were having shitting on someone not like them.
My third year of college I lived alone in a small room. I was miserable: woke up, went to class, got food, went to my room. I didn't have any friends at all at that point so that's pretty much how every single day went for that year. There were pockets of time where I went "well fuck everything" and tried exercising regularly but it didn't really do much for me so I stopped eventually.
Fourth year I lived alone in a slightly bigger room, more removed from campus. Started taking art classes and met the coolest people I've ever met in my entire life. I had such a blast drawing and painting with like-minded people. I can say definitively that my last year of college was the happiest time in my life. (I was actually getting fat being merry by being with friends instead of alone and emotionally eating). I felt like a fucking idiot for not having the balls to commit to art my first year.
Sidenote: I loved taking photos and drawing when I was a kid, was told by various family and family friends that the arts were poor career choices because artists were poor and miserable and unhappy (people like my grandpa telling me this as early as age 5) and that it was extremely competitive (which for an extremely shy kid was like, a really shitty thing to say). I was the best in grade school with a friend, by miles above everyone else. But not much competition so I didn't really push myself. High school I was about the same, but it didn't have much of an art program at all so I never pushed myself. I always felt envious of friends that went to a proper art high school because there were really awesome artists there and I just felt that I would never be that good so I just kind of gave up on it as a hobby even.
During college I would occasionally psych myself up to go join a new club or go to a mixer so I could meet new friends. It would either go one of two ways: I'd never make it to the meeting because at some point on the walk over I would feel like throwing up and having a heart attack or I would actually attend the whatever and just be socially paralyzed, unable to engage because everyone else already knew each other and/or I was too shy/felt too alien to belong and just left. Every successful relationship I've ever had I've kind of just accidentally stumbled into.
Then college ended. Lived at home. Didn't know what I wanted to with my life at all, still don't. Wasn't good enough at art or had enough good work to have a portfolio so I kind of struggled with whether or not it was something I could do and eventually kind of gave up on it. Looked for work for a year, couldn't find anything. Economy was shit. Couldn't even get hired at the local supermarket or retail stores because I didn't have 3 yrs experience at any of that stuff. I did have experience in telecomm IT from my college job but didn't have the degrees or proper experience to get a job in that. Felt like total fucking garbage. Motivation to do anything went out of the fucking window.
City gov hired me by chance for a physical job that had nothing to do with what I studied. Had an absolute miserable time for like 9 months because my boss didn't want to hire me and wanted to get me to quit by assigning me such an unfair amount of work that I never had time for lunch breaks and my wrists swelled up so badly that I was vomited from the pain (got it sorted out with injections and later near daily Aleve). After awhile he saw that I was "tough enough" or just a good worker than he liked me and trusted me with higher responsibilities and gave me less grunt work. I've been more or less content at that job for about 5 years because it's easy and the schedule is flexible and it pays well. Small promotion during that time but basically exact same duties. Over those 5 years I've packed on an additional 40-50 lbs. Probably like 70-80 lbs overweight at this point in my life. Which brings me to the present.
For the past 2 months I go to bed wishing I would never wake up and then I wake up wanting to blow my brains out and disappearing into the ether pretty much every fucking day (used to be maybe a few times a year, then once a month, etc). Just completely erasing everything about myself from existence. I've missed so many days from work because I can't get out of bed or because I've been so miserable and fat that I feel like my immune system has gone in the shitter. I used to maintain like 100 hours of vacation time and 40 hrs of sick time every year at this job, and this 5th year I'm basically sub 20 for vacation and like perpetual 8 hrs for sick time if even. That's how much time I've been taking off because I can't summon the fuck to go to get out of bed and deal with living.
I've not seen any of my friends that live in my city in over like two years because I feel so poorly that I keep everyone at least at arms length, trying desperately to avoid dumping my misery onto their lives. I hate imposing on other people and having anyone shoulder my burdens or troubles but me. I can say that most of what used to be waking hours outside of work are now sleeping hours. That includes weekends and now week nights.
I've been wanting to find new work since I basically got the job I have but haven't been able to because I lack any kind of special skillset to enable me to do anything in the game, film, or art industries and/or because I'm fucking HORRIBLE at interviews because they're basically my nightmare scenario of trying to go to a club meeting in college, but compounding that with the fact that it's like a test/verbal presentation (stage fright to the nth degree) of some kind which always stressed me out to no end in school. Everything I want to say ends up getting fucked up or straight up forgotten and when I speak in those interview settings I'm jittery and extremely nervous. I know it looks absolutely unfortunate and bad from an external perspective because I've asked for feedback once or twice. So I'm kind of stuck with the job I have now, not just because I can't get anything else but in addition because my job pays well and is rather secure despite it kind of tiring me the fuck out and not offering me intellectually stimulating anymore. I've never felt as boring as I do now.
And I've only just come to the realization recently that - what a shock - I've been absolutely miserable and something is seriously wrong with me since high school and that I've just been distracting myself to avoid that simple truth with friends, school, work, food, video games, tv shows, movies, etc since then. Even during the happiest year of my life I still irrationally LOATHED myself and was really just completely unable to be OK with myself to the point where I would just never even try to engage anyone for a romantic entanglement because I would just fuck it up with my deep rooted unhappiness.
Looking from the outside, intellectually: I know that my life is actually pretty ok, that I shouldn't hate myself as much as I do because I actually have qualities that are good, great even, that I'm not an ugly piece of garbage, that maybe I can change careers, maybe I can improve my life, my weight, my skills, maybe I am not complete shit and actually worthy of being loved.
I know there is hope for me but I'm just at the point where I'm like "...nah".
I'm so far at the end of my rope I literally can't summon the motivation to breathe most days. If breathing was optional I would have opted out like a month ago and just willingly let myself die. Instead I go through the motions wanting a meteor to vaporize me, or a truck to hit me hard enough to kill me, or for my heart to just give up.
If I ever had a passion or purpose for living, the spark died for it a long time ago. And my spark for just living in general is gone now too. I just can't care about anything anymore to warrant persisting any longer.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't help myself at this point and I seriously doubt any drug or chat time with a psychiatrist will change anything. I don't even know why I posted this.
Hype. Hype from sports. Hype from movies. Hype from TV shows. Hype from video games. Fuck being happy, getting excited and passionate about something is the best.
There's so much shit to do in the world. You'll find something if you give it a chance.
This is honestly really sound advice. Just find something, one thing to look forward to at the end of the week and month. Think about a new game, think about a TV show, think about a movie. Just one thing a week.
whiterabbit
Member
I skipped my last dose of medicine and can't sleep. It's already past 3:30 AM where I live. I'm tired of the side effects so I want to get off the med I'm on. I finished a game, so that was cool, but I don't feel tired at all... I guess the Mtn Dew voltage has a lot of caffeine, but I didn't think it would keep me up since I had it this morning...
Also, yeah, I've always tried to find things I'm interested in to keep me going and have something to look forward to.
Also, yeah, I've always tried to find things I'm interested in to keep me going and have something to look forward to.
That "reverse manic/depressive" cycle you described is pretty much the exact same for me. I'd never thought of it that way though.
Thanks for the encouragement and thanks for sharing. It's always good to know that someone else is going through an almost identical struggle to you. Well, I mean, obviously it sucks that you have to go through the same awfulness that I'm going through, but you know what I mean. Haha
Sunset Samurai
Member
Kind of nervous posting this... But my mind tricks me into thinking that I don't exist. And when I look around it feels like it's not really there. At times I wake up feeling confused.. I've always felt like this since I was a teen when I began to question reality.... It comes and goes. It'll bother me for like a few weeks to a month and then it leaves me alone for like a year or so and pops back up. Back in November I had my first panic attack... I think it comes from loneliness of being in college because all of my relatives are 2 hours away. My family has always known and when it bothers me my mom comes visit me or I go home and spend a day with them.
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