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[Raldoh]

Currently on a sabbathical year from med school, about half ways through. My university studies have been rather turbulent from the get go for various reasons. It still bothers me quite a bit, as I never before had any major difficulties in doing well in school. Constant feelings of being behind the curve and not doing or knowing everything I should at this point.

Last year was especially tough, started having difficulties waking up which made me late for seminars or ward rounds. It made me look just as bad as I felt right in front of my peers and supervisors. My social life started to erode as I had to relocate several times during the semester. Started feeling paranoid and got more withdrawn as a result, turning my phone and not opening the door when a friend tried to come by. The weird thing was that I was completely oblivious to realizing that something was seriously wrong with my mental health, I still had this belief that all of these current struggles were just temporary as long as I just carried on.

It was not until I lacked the energy to eat and get my clothes on that the thought of that I needed help came across. After a couple of weeks deliberating where I should go, I decided to go to the student service center where they do offer counseling. After getting an appointment I started feeling some optimism that the tide was hopefully turning for the better. Well, those hopes got washed away in mere seconds. Got this vague "sorry we can't help you with that, go elsewhere please" and the directionless advice felt very humiliating at the time being. So the cycle just continued on.

It was not until that one of my parents came over to my apartment to see how I was doing that I was (forced) getting help again. Underwent CBT and it has been pretty nice just talking to someone. Nothing really ground breaking in hindsight, but I'm a lot better now. Still not where I want to be, but I'll take any progress no matter big or small.

At the moment I'm studying for two exams I still have not been able to finsih. Have one examintion coming in two weeks. First thing I decided to do before studying was to accept the fact that failure is indeed a realistic outcome. At the moment just the fact that I actually opned up te textbook is a major feat in itself compared to state I was in one year ago.

None of this would have been possible if it were not for the support received from my family. I regret having too much pride not reaching out for help for them at an earlier stage. Nowadays I feel immensely grateful that things are slowly but surely turning for the better.

 

[The Wall]

Underwent CBT and it has been pretty nice just talking to someone. Nothing really ground breaking in hindsight, but I'm a lot better now. Still not where I want to be, but I'll take any progress no matter big or small.

Meaningful progress tends to be small and slow at first, until you get a better handle on things again.

At the moment I'm studying for two exams I still have not been able to finsih. Have one examintion coming in two weeks. First thing I decided to do before studying was to accept the fact that failure is indeed a realistic outcome. At the moment just the fact that I actually opned up te textbook is a major feat in itself compared to state I was in one year ago.

No one wants to, but failing a course or two over a long, heavy school career is not unheard of. What I mean to say is, I don't think anyone should beat themselves up if it happens. You're doing better, from the sounds of it, and catching things early before they become completely unmanageable. Keep at 'er!

 

[MikeDip]

The Wall is your avatar from Shining force?

 

[DJKhaled]

Okay, here goes....

I am so fucked in the head at the moment, I truly don't know what to do. I am so severly underweight that whenever I stand I feel like I am about to pass out. I am so terrified to eat because of my fear of vomiting, which in turn makes me nauseous because I haven't eaten, I haven't left my house in about a month and in the last 2 years i have left the house a max of maybe 50 times, and have eaten 0 meals in 2 years, only thing I eat every day is a grilled cheese sandwich.

I am just so terrified, I can't be hospitalised because my OCD causes me to do some rituals that are really embarrassing that I couldn't possibly do them at a hospital. I also need my girlfriend with me nearly 24/7 or I am just a big walking panic attack until I have her here again, she is the only person that can calm me down, and I know I am fucking with her mental health because of it, she has started smoking so much weed that it's crazy and I have no problem with weed but I know she is just doing it to escape from me.

I only pee about 2 times a day because i barely drink any water, right at this very moment I am feeling sick because I had a drink of water, I do think I really have a bad problem with my stomach because the nausea started before the anxiety got this bad, but my anxiety clearly makes the problem much worse. The most emasculating thing (and I am not someone that goes for gender roles but I can't help but feel it) is I can't work, my girlfriend is working 10 hour shifts at a grocery store so we can live, I have to live off welfare, and while the welfare is enough to pay my share of the rent, that is about it, it doesn't pay for my food. I just truly feel like a piece of shit, I haven't hung out with my friends for 2 years, I haven't gone to a party in over 2 years, I haven't legitimately had a fun time in 2 years.

I feel so bad for my girlfriend, she is only 18, she has wasted the best years of her life with me (16 to 18) and I know she will resent me when she is older, she should just leave me, but if she does there is no way I could live and I would 100% kill myself, she is the only thing that keeps me alive... I am just really fucking scared of everything, SSRI's are terrible, I take benzos a lot to calm my self down but I get rebound anxiety. I just want to die so badly, I am just too much of a pussy to kill myself.

 

[The Wall]

The Wall is your avatar from Shining force?

Yup!

 

[The Wall]

Okay, here goes....
~snip

edit: double post, but a point to it.

Okay, try to breathe a little deeper. Make a conscious effort of it right now if you can. Deep, long breath in through your nose, deep long breath out through your mouth. Repeat. Close your eyes if that feels better.

I'm going to PM you.

Have you tried drinking tea or hot soup broth? This can help someone who is skinny and having appetite issues. If you've been having appetite issues long enough, your stomach will have shrunk and it will be a healing process to get you into a healthy appetite and eating regime.

I know the idea of hospitalization freaks you the fuck out.. but.. it may give you a safe time away from the environment that you live in, where you developed some of those coping rituals. You'll be under medical supervision and they can help figure out a release plan for you that could involve connections to a counselor, nutritionist, and doctor who can prescribe you something that will bring down your OCD tendencies a bit, or eliminate the need for some of those calming rituals as you work through and recover from some of the things that have you distressed.

 

[MikeDip]

Yup!

I fucking knew it! I talked to that beaver dude last night while playing and couldn't shake the feeling I saw it earlier that day. But then I kept telling myself "You just started, that's impossible"
I mean, it's possible I was remembering it from when I played it last a few years back but my memory isn't that good. You messed with my head mate.

 

[la flama blanca]

Okay, here goes....

I am so fucked in the head at the moment, I truly don't know what to do. I am so severly underweight that whenever I stand I feel like I am about to pass out. I am so terrified to eat because of my fear of vomiting, which in turn makes me nauseous because I haven't eaten, I haven't left my house in about a month and in the last 2 years i have left the house a max of maybe 50 times, and have eaten 0 meals in 2 years, only thing I eat every day is a grilled cheese sandwich.

I am just so terrified, I can't be hospitalised because my OCD causes me to do some rituals that are really embarrassing that I couldn't possibly do them at a hospital. I also need my girlfriend with me nearly 24/7 or I am just a big walking panic attack until I have her here again, she is the only person that can calm me down, and I know I am fucking with her mental health because of it, she has started smoking so much weed that it's crazy and I have no problem with weed but I know she is just doing it to escape from me.

I only pee about 2 times a day because i barely drink any water, right at this very moment I am feeling sick because I had a drink of water, I do think I really have a bad problem with my stomach because the nausea started before the anxiety got this bad, but my anxiety clearly makes the problem much worse. The most emasculating thing (and I am not someone that goes for gender roles but I can't help but feel it) is I can't work, my girlfriend is working 10 hour shifts at a grocery store so we can live, I have to live off welfare, and while the welfare is enough to pay my share of the rent, that is about it, it doesn't pay for my food. I just truly feel like a piece of shit, I haven't hung out with my friends for 2 years, I haven't gone to a party in over 2 years, I haven't legitimately had a fun time in 2 years.

I feel so bad for my girlfriend, she is only 18, she has wasted the best years of her life with me (16 to 18) and I know she will resent me when she is older, she should just leave me, but if she does there is no way I could live and I would 100% kill myself, she is the only thing that keeps me alive... I am just really fucking scared of everything, SSRI's are terrible, I take benzos a lot to calm my self down but I get rebound anxiety. I just want to die so badly, I am just too much of a pussy to kill myself.

Dude, pretty crazy that you sound a lot like me a few years back. I have a fear of vomiting myself, though it's really a fear of choking. This fear literally had me not eating or drinking anything for a few months and I was so emaciated that I was pretty close to death(I could feel it). All the while, nobody really did much because I actively did the things I needed to do and avoided everything as much as possible. I finally began eating small foods and some liquids again though I did develop some long term stomach issues. Before this whole eating thing I had severe panic disorder myself and would need to be hospitalized frequently thinking I was dying. I feel your pain dude, but honestly, you need to put the brakes on everything in your life and resolve the very specific demons you're facing. I know you're attached to your girlfriend, but you have to realize that the more this goes on, the more co-dependent you both become will have it indeed end in failure. Trust me, I had the same situation with a girl I was dating for 5 years already and it doesn't work out. You HAVE to address these issues directly. I know you have some barriers, but you have to do your best to find any kind of affordable mental health treatment. I also am very apprehensive in taking medications and I can assure you that I actually overcame a lot of my issues without medication, so it IS possible(though medication does help). The only way to really get over any of this is if you face these head on, and with that you will need space and help. It will feel scary as fuck and maybe sometimes you'd just wish you were dead, but the only consolation I can give you is that I survived the bulk of my demons, the worst ones and I know you can too. As initial resources, I recommend you look up DBT skills like mindfulness, radical acceptance and also some breathing techniques to help with the anxiety. Put up a fight with yourself in a good way.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

I've been talking to the local dispensary and I might have an opportunity to work at a local place. College isn't going to work out so I can't be a master brewer.

I've been really upset lately, nothing I do is enough for people.

My father resents me, my entire situation.


Not really feeling so great right now.

 

[The Wall]

I fucking knew it! I talked to that beaver dude last night while playing and couldn't shake the feeling I saw it earlier that day. But then I kept telling myself "You just started, that's impossible"
I mean, it's possible I was remembering it from when I played it last a few years back but my memory isn't that good. You messed with my head mate.

I was foreshadowing that you would play that game!

 

[Teriyaki Blues]

Okay, here goes....

This is probably dumb, and you've probably attempted it, but when my physical and mental problems gang up on me enough that I stop basic care, meal replacement "shakes" like Ensure are my go-to for "eating". When I was on anti anxiety drugs (

Spoiler

Buspar

) they actually made my anxiety worse AND caused me to faint. While I am not suggesting you quit your medication, you might want to look into switching meds or a different dose.

I know how easy it is for people to say "just do it", especially when you're in the oubliette, and they have no fucking clue what it is like from the inside. My bit of advice for crawling into a place where a little light shines in is this: I find forcing myself to do shit I don't want to do or can't do to be a lot easier if I do it bit by bit, rather than doing it all at once. So, instead of trying to force yourself to drink 80 ounces of water a day, maybe just add half a cup to what you are drinking now for a few days, and increase it after you're used to it, and so on.

Yup!

Jogurt tha God.

Spoiler

Of useless characters.

 

[MikeDip]

I've been talking to the local dispensary and I might have an opportunity to work at a local place. College isn't going to work out so I can't be a master brewer.

I've been really upset lately, nothing I do is enough for people.

My father resents me, my entire situation.


Not really feeling so great right now.

What kind of brew do you brew?

 

[User 479360]

Go away fatigue. You're an asshole.

Going to try that ADD medicine tonight, to see if it can keep me awake long enough to catch up on a review I'm late as fuck on.

 

[MikeDip]

Go away fatigue. You're an asshole.

Going to try that ADD medicine tonight, to see if it can keep me awake long enough to catch up on a review I'm late as fuck on.

I hate that jerk!

What game you reviewing btw?

 

[Kipp]

Well, after a week or two of feeling pretty good, I'm feeling depressed again. It was nice while it lasted at least.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

What kind of brew do you brew?

I can brew just about anything from traditional Irish Ales and English India Pale Ales and more modern American IPAs, Double IPAs, German Styles and Belgian styles too.

People tell me I create beers like no one else does.

 

[jb1234]

Well, after a week or two of feeling pretty good, I'm feeling depressed again. It was nice while it lasted at least.

Yup. This weekend was a disaster for me and now I'm pretty much back to square one as far as my mood goes. And feeling like shit physically after a fairly decent January, which just makes it worse.

I have a gig I'm going to do in an hour and I'm seriously panicking about it because I don't feel like I'm well enough to do it even though I basically committed. And it's the first I've done in three and a half years, basically doing it as a favor. I've taken a heavy duty painkiller and will take a shower before I hop in the car but that's not going to help the anxiety.

Just trying to hold myself together and not bother my friends too much. I feel like I'm this burden wrapped around their neck no matter how many times they tell me I'm not.

 

[The Wall]

Well, after a week or two of feeling pretty good, I'm feeling depressed again. It was nice while it lasted at least.

Kipp
but I am taking tiny steps forward

But you are still taking steps forward. Believe!

 

[Xe4]

Another day another late as fuck night. It's really due to the school I'm going to being very difficult, and me trying really hard to get good grades.

Problem is late nights and I don't get around to work when I'm depressed. Either in fall asleep early and do much worse in school wich worsens my depression or the late nights end up wrecking me. I'm doing better a lot better with nights this semester cause I'm on medication, but I'm worried I'm gonna end up on a downward spiral like I was last semester.

Does anyone have any experience with that sort of thing? Just wondering how other people deal with high work jobs and school whike dealing with depression?

Other than that things are good. Medications helping a lot, seriously like night and day on medication, so that's really good.

Best of luck MH GAF, and stay strong!

 

[Bagels]

Do all therapists do CBT or do you have to find therapist that specialize in that sort of thing?

Not all therapists do CBT, but it's a very popular formal approach. I've also done IPSRT (Interpersonal and Social Rhythm Therapy), which I loved.

When I lived in New Haven, CT, you could still go to old shrinks who didn't really prescribe meds, but who would do analysis - like straight-up Freudian Analysis. It was nuts.

The therapist I go to now doesn't seem to utilize any formal approach I can identify. We just kinda chat about stuff and she offers some insights.

Mind Over Mood was the workbook I used in CBT. Recommended.

 

[Kwixotik]

If anyone knows a lot about helping addicts, send me a message. A lot has happened in the past 24 hours and I need some advice. For clarification, I'm not the addict - it's someone close to me.

 

[neojubei]

Preach.

i know you hate me i get that i hate myself.

I have to ask why do you put so much of your self worth in the fact that you do or don't have a significant other? I use to be the same way thinking I am never ever going to find someone and I still haven't but I know one day it will happen for me. You won't get anyone if you think the way you do people can sense it. Your constant suicidal ideation is very worrying and I hope if you ever truly get to that point that you reach out for help that you need and deserve.

Because everyone around either found a SO or are getting married having a life. And that part of me that longs to be with someone and have a life is killing me because i already know i am a loser and will never ever find anyone or any remote thing that comes to it. if i want close human companionship i have to pay for it. ive been rejected so many times by so many people its messed with me a lot. every choice i make in life ends in failure and yet this cycle continues because i am alive for it to happen. if i can finally kill myelf i can be free from myself. everyone wants to be against suicide and its true for most people they shouldn't, but for people like me that will never be anything, never find any sort of happiness why not just give up on life. my therapist doesnt help one bit and ive been on several meds that dont work for me. And to add meds and therapy cannot change fate. if i am fated to be a loser why even try to live at all?

 

[Bagels]

i know you hate me i get that i hate myself.

I've never hated you. I know you're hurting, but you let yourself collapse in on that negativity like a dying star. I don't think it is helping you at all and it tough for other people to respond to post after post filled with self loathing.

 

[jb1234]

i know you hate me i get that i hate myself.

No one hates you. But you have to realize that post after post contemplating your suicide isn't doing yourself any favors. You consistently ignore every post made in an attempt to help you and seem unwilling to look inside yourself to figure out why you're so fixated on finding a partner.

 

[la flama blanca]

i know you hate me i get that i hate myself.



Because everyone around either found a SO or are getting married having a life. And that part of me that longs to be with someone and have a life is killing me because i already know i am a loser and will never ever find anyone or any remote thing that comes to it. if i want close human companionship i have to pay for it. ive been rejected so many times by so many people its messed with me a lot. every choice i make in life ends in failure and yet this cycle continues because i am alive for it to happen. if i can finally kill myelf i can be free from myself. everyone wants to be against suicide and its true for most people they shouldn't, but for people like me that will never be anything, never find any sort of happiness why not just give up on life. my therapist doesnt help one bit and ive been on several meds that dont work for me. And to add meds and therapy cannot change fate. if i am fated to be a loser why even try to live at all?

There is so much more to life than what you've established so narrowly. You're not a loser, trust me, I know some real losers. You need to erase whatever silly template you have of happiness in your mind and discover what will really make you happy.
With that said, I know you're motivated to find someone in your life. That which will make you happy, but you need to know that you won't be happy with someone if you're not even attempting to be the better you. You gotta channel all your mess into something positive and you have to commit, no half measures. I know it's not perceived as favorable to spit out the "just do it" routine, but honestly, with all the fucked up shit I've been through in my life, it's really the only thing I've identified as working for me.

 

[Kipp]

Yup. This weekend was a disaster for me and now I'm pretty much back to square one as far as my mood goes. And feeling like shit physically after a fairly decent January, which just makes it worse.

I have a gig I'm going to do in an hour and I'm seriously panicking about it because I don't feel like I'm well enough to do it even though I basically committed. And it's the first I've done in three and a half years, basically doing it as a favor. I've taken a heavy duty painkiller and will take a shower before I hop in the car but that's not going to help the anxiety.

Just trying to hold myself together and not bother my friends too much. I feel like I'm this burden wrapped around their neck no matter how many times they tell me I'm not.

Sorry to hear that things have been on the decline for you as well, jb.

How did the gig go?

But you are still taking steps forward. Believe!

I think you may be right. Even though I feel like I'm back to square one, I'm certainly not as depressed as I have been. I'm not totally miserable or feeling completely hopeless. Just losing the small bits of joy and whatnot that I was feeling during my week or two of feeling good.

 

[The Wall]

I think you may be right. Even though I feel like I'm back to square one, I'm certainly not as depressed as I have been. I'm not totally miserable or feeling completely hopeless. Just losing the small bits of joy and whatnot that I was feeling during my week or two of feeling good.

It's hard, because after feeling bad for so long, any regression gives that panicky "I'm going under again" feeling. I try to frame it like this, these days: "One step forward, then a 1/4 step back is normal, and still 3/4 a step in progress."

This is part of the healing process, and once you get used to it, instead of lamenting the small regressions, you might even be able to look at them as clear progress indicators. If you weren't able to feel "back to some depression" this week, than it meant you made no progress the week before.

Your brain and body's state of well-being got some exercise in feeling better. Sometimes you have to ease/build yourself back into those better states for the progress to stick. It's not a straight-line, constant forward progression like some people would like to believe.

Edit: I tore up a bunch of tendons in my ankle pretty badly a few years ago. It's much better now, but even a year ago, when I'd jump down from something just a few feet off the ground, it would try to buckle on me still. I was active on a level where I was used to jumping down from 3-4 feet or more, for example, very easily. It's gaining its strength back, but can still give way if I'm not careful of what I put it through until it has regained more strength. It's not a bad comparison, in my opinion, to illustrate how slow and careful the process of easing oneself into feeling better can be.

There will always be setbacks and a lot of bad feelings before you get a hang of maintaining the good states, and learn how to make them sustainable for yourself.

We're all panicking over not being able to jump down from 5 feet + everyday, instead of being proud and appreciative that our "ankle" didn't buckle on a bad week when life was throwing us 1 foot drops to jump down from. Mental physiotherapy.

 

[redlegs87]

i know you hate me i get that i hate myself.



Because everyone around either found a SO or are getting married having a life. And that part of me that longs to be with someone and have a life is killing me because i already know i am a loser and will never ever find anyone or any remote thing that comes to it. if i want close human companionship i have to pay for it. ive been rejected so many times by so many people its messed with me a lot. every choice i make in life ends in failure and yet this cycle continues because i am alive for it to happen. if i can finally kill myelf i can be free from myself. everyone wants to be against suicide and its true for most people they shouldn't, but for people like me that will never be anything, never find any sort of happiness why not just give up on life. my therapist doesnt help one bit and ive been on several meds that dont work for me. And to add meds and therapy cannot change fate. if i am fated to be a loser why even try to live at all?

No one here hates you. I really hope you could see there is more to life than having a SO and placing so much of your self worth in having one or not. You have to work on yourself before you can expect to have others in your life. If all you see yourself as is a loser no one will want to be around that kind of negativity. It's easier said than done to change how you are thinking when so deep in depression but you need to try or you'll never escape this vicious cycle that is leading down a bad path.

-snip-.

I agree completely I use to be like chicken little and think the sky was falling the second I started to feel down again. Took me sometime to realize I was making progress and one will never not have these moments of depression every once in awhile. Hang in there Kipp you'll come through this down period stronger than before.

 

[Cizeta-Moroder]

Well, as you said, our own happiness is a valuable pursuit on its own, though no less subjective than any definition of value. If we accept that as valuable, though, then isn't it just as noble and worthy of a pursuit as any other, irrespective of what you feel the outside world's judgment of you is? You mention a "recognizable medical condition" - what do you mean by that and how would that enhance affect your sense of value?

For what it's worth, I disagree that at best you are a "waste of oxygen".

Ah, but this is what presents the risks: how much inadvertent harm do I have to cause for my pursuit of happiness to pay off? I don't think I can help externalizing my self-worth, therefore that happiness must come from interacting with the world, subjecting myself to potential negative judgement.
What I mean with the lack of 'condition' is, all the privilege I have has gone to waste. I've never been through proper hardships, it's more that I'm inherently unfit for the universe. If that makes sense.

 

[javac]

I'm trying to become more confident. I've always been a well dressed person and presented myself well but I tend to cover myself up in jackets and jumpers, not really a summer person. I've started to try and redo my wardrobe, and I'm getting there but the more I do it the more negative I feel about my body. It's a double edged sword. It's like the world is trying to knock me down a peg. I'm sitting in the university library surrounded by people, all chatting and I'm with my friends but I feel so alone. To the onlooker I probably look relaxed and confident but I'm not. I hate this, I wish I could just disappear.

 

[Burgess_101]

Hi everyone,

I would like to introduce myself into this community, am a long time lurker in GAF, but have only recently posted.

I am a 21 years old Uni Student studying in a foreign country, I have grappled with depression on & off for a significant part of my life since probably 14-15, or at least, I think I have, as I showed a lot of symptoms of depression (urge to "push away/ignore" people who want to help, irritability, numbness, feelings of regret, guilt...etc). I have historically had it "under control", by:
-trying to find things to be obsessed about (cars, PCs, ...anything that involved lot of No.s & little human interaction), probably explains why people say I am good with numbers
-convince myself to 'think logically', i.e not make myself a burden to those around me, and therefore implicitly shrink away from relationships, therefore, don't have a lot of those.
-Acting in certain ways to elicit external negative responses from others, in line with my self-esteem (sorta like redirecting all knife stabs to the same stab wound) + lots of black humor, in order to find something, anything to escape my numbness.
-Generally trying to put on a normal-ish face in front of others, have gotten real good (too good) at it

If this is the extent of it all, then I wouldn't be posting here, but recently, (for around a year) circumstances have conspired to make my depression worse, and I am finding it very hard, if not impossible, to keep things in control, as well as find motivation to do things I can normally pull through. So much so that I may have to inform my parents/peers/others and get some real treatment for my depression.

As for my parents, they are very caring and good-natured, but I do not believe they know about this, I had a brief stint of therapy when I was much younger, but that had more to do more with my lack of social life than anything. They are getting older, and I fear that whatever I may tell them very soon will be a massive shock to the system, and will hurt them badly as if I have not already been a difficult enough child for them. What should I do?

tl;dr: How to "gently" tell your parents that you may have some form of clinical depression, that was hidden from them for a long, long time?

Sorry this is a little late and if you have already managed the situation (good job if that is the case!). What I did was (your situation may vary) write out on a post-it note that I was depressed and needed help and I left it on the top of the stairs for my Mother to see.

I always found writing to be the best way to express myself and it worked that time well. She came in and spoke to me about it and what we could do to solve the situation.

 

[MikeDip]

I have a day off work! I am at home in bed eating a bagel and I am getting paid!

Is this what happiness is? It feels great!

 

[Cth]

My life is such a rollercoaster at times..

Wanted to stop by and update with some good news for a change.. after 4 years I'm finally getting a full time job.

I'm still losing my house potentially to foreclosure, but it's a good opportunity if I can navigate it to finding something more suited to what our family needs now. Having lived off a single paycheck for so long, it's going to be weird having so much more to work with.

 

[User 479360]

I woke up early (5:30am) and started gaming at 7, because I passed out last night at about 11pm. The pill didn't work and that asshole fatigue won.

I actually woke up at 2:30, then took a bit to get back to sleep. My sleep sucks, because it's either broken because of noises or because I just wake up in the middle of the night for no reason and either can or can't get back to sleep.

MAYBE the pill caused that, but I don't know. I took one this morning and hardly feel it. She said we could talk about upping the dosage, so I'm just going to try two tomorrow for the hell of it. I don't see her again until April, and want to make sure it works or doesn't well before that, so that I can either call in for a prescription or not.

Today has been okay. I got stuff done, but had waves of bad depression while gaming. I'm always thinking about/obsessing about things. Granted, I did get a bit of an escape.

 

[jb1234]

Sorry to hear that things have been on the decline for you as well, jb.

How did the gig go?

I ended up getting there with the singer and they told us that it wasn't on their schedule (even though the singer had email proof it was). After a brief but polite argument (they weren't willing to give up bingo night because it upsets the residents), they agreed to pay us for the time and we left. I was super bummed because in the end, I wasn't doing this for the money. It was the first time I had the balls to get up there and perform in front of people in three and a half years and I almost pulled it off. Now I don't know when or even if there will be a next time because my health has fallen off a cliff again. I'm pretty crushed. This has been a rollercoaster of a weekend.

 

[jb1234]

man if there's ONE THING about the elderly.... not willing to give up bingo night. that sounds about right. don't know what they were missing! and more to the point you had the chutzpah to get there

Truth be told, I was kinda hoping the stereotype wasn't true. The thought of being old and relying on bingo night fills me with mortal terror.

 

[Bagels]

Truth be told, I was kinda hoping the stereotype wasn't true. The thought of being old and relying on bingo night fills me with mortal terror.

It will be old videogames when we are old. We already ARE old, and that is what we do, so...

 

[jb1234]

It will be old videogames when we are old. We already ARE old, and that is what we do, so...

We'll all be playing Doom when we're 90.

 

[jb1234]

Doom bingo

How dare you.

 

[MikeDip]

bingo sucks

 

[Kipp]

The most worrisome days for me aren't the days I feel horribly depressed, they're the days I feel crazy. Like, my mind or my body just being super abnormal and unusual or malfunctioning in some way. It really freaks me out and makes me think I'm just breaking. Today is one of those days. Can't even really explain what's weird about how my body and mind are feeling. I just feel weird today...

It's hard, because after feeling bad for so long, any regression gives that panicky "I'm going under again" feeling. I try to frame it like this, these days: "One step forward, then a 1/4 step back is normal, and still 3/4 a step in progress."

This is part of the healing process, and once you get used to it, instead of lamenting the small regressions, you might even be able to look at them as clear progress indicators. If you weren't able to feel "back to some depression" this week, than it meant you made no progress the week before.

Your brain and body's state of well-being got some exercise in feeling better. Sometimes you have to ease/build yourself back into those better states for the progress to stick. It's not a straight-line, constant forward progression like some people would like to believe.

Edit: I tore up a bunch of tendons in my ankle pretty badly a few years ago. It's much better now, but even a year ago, when I'd jump down from something just a few feet off the ground, it would try to buckle on me still. I was active on a level where I was used to jumping down from 3-4 feet or more, for example, very easily. It's gaining its strength back, but can still give way if I'm not careful of what I put it through until it has regained more strength. It's not a bad comparison, in my opinion, to illustrate how slow and careful the process of easing oneself into feeling better can be.

There will always be setbacks and a lot of bad feelings before you get a hang of maintaining the good states, and learn how to make them sustainable for yourself.

We're all panicking over not being able to jump down from 5 feet + everyday, instead of being proud and appreciative that our "ankle" didn't buckle on a bad week when life was throwing us 1 foot drops to jump down from. Mental physiotherapy.

That's a really great point. I really appreciate that insight. Thank you for that.

I ended up getting there with the singer and they told us that it wasn't on their schedule (even though the singer had email proof it was). After a brief but polite argument (they weren't willing to give up bingo night because it upsets the residents), they agreed to pay us for the time and we left. I was super bummed because in the end, I wasn't doing this for the money. It was the first time I had the balls to get up there and perform in front of people in three and a half years and I almost pulled it off. Now I don't know when or even if there will be a next time because my health has fallen off a cliff again. I'm pretty crushed. This has been a rollercoaster of a weekend.

Man, that's such a bummer. I'm sorry to hear that, jb. I hope you get another chance to play sometime soon.

 

[jb1234]

Man, that's such a bummer. I'm sorry to hear that, jb. I hope you get another chance to play sometime soon.

It looks like it's been rescheduled for early March. That's way too far off for me to commit to it so I guess we'll have to see how I'm feeling. I'm not optimistic. But thank you for your kind words. I'm a Kipp fan.

(But it's okay. Bloodborne has been a great comfort during this time, in between the screams of rage.)

 

[GalacticToast]

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Throughout the last year my life has objectively improved, but I'm not any happier. I earned my B.A. and am currently in grad school. I lost 90+ pounds and went from 268 to 175. Everyday, it feels like I'm getting closer and closer to the end of my rope. I have no one to really turn to, so I drink. It's stupid, I know, but it helps sometimes. Everyday I have to deal with suicidal thoughts. Some days are worse than others. I've been in therapy. I've tried medication. I just think I'm running out of options.

 

[Booker Dewitt]

Welp, my roommate is leaving tomorrow. He was messaging me today at work asking if I was gonna pay the rent for March, I said yes. He asked about April, I said I don't know yet. He then said "You know I'm planning to come back (to Colorado) right?"

I didn't respond to that. Does he really think I would let him move back in with me? Like he just gave up after a setback, I came up with a way to live without him and a plan to better my life, and I'm just supposed to welcome him back in five months after he ripped the rug out from under me.

It also doesn't help that I just pretty much vented about him to my other roommate and his girlfriend. Just felt like I foisted my problems on them and dragged the mood down. Just feel like a whiny shit right now.

Side note though: Man, The Lego Movie is so great and cute.

 

[Bagels]

How dare you.

I do want to go on record as hating jb1234. Guy is awful at Ys.

 

[Pau]

Feeling a bit anxious after the professor who was supposed to endorse me for a research program never responded to any of my emails. The other professor I was speaking to about working at their center also stopped responding. Been to advising at the Stat and CS departments: nothing. The only professors who seem willing to work with me are in Sociology. Trying to not take it personally.

Tomorrow (well, later today - it's late) I'm meeting with the coordinator for the research program to see what I can do. Think I passed the deadline for this semester since this professor just straight up didn't respond to any of the coordinator's or my emails.

The constant rejection makes me wonder if there's just something about me that makes them do this. And does not bode well if I want to 1) get into graduate school or 2) do well in it.

 

[Booker Dewitt]

Welp, just consoled my other roommate's girlfriend because she broke into a panic attack after watching the end of The Lego Movie. Apparently her younger brother is a schizophrenic and because of family views and expectations she never tried to look for help for herself. I tried telling her that most corporations seem to have some kind of assistance program offered to even their part time employees, and that it wouldn't hurt to try to get this info from a manager she trusts.

And then my main roommate came back. Which then engaged a hour long conversation about ethnicity since she is from a small town in Ohio where she could count the number of black people she met on one hand. Me being a dude who's been all up and down the east coast since forever, I had to side with my main roommate on the matters. And she kept almost breaking into tears because of how closeted she was. It's not like we were attacking her for being raise as so, we told her it's not her fault and such.

But yeah, as she left I gave her my phone number and told her if she feels bad she can talk to me since I'm not in a particularly better state than her, and I know that just talking to someone helps. I gave her a hug, and another hug because she wanted it...and then I felt a chubby grow.

Like what the fuck, I hope she didnt feel it. I hope she doesn't think it's because I want to bang her, which I kind of don't besides the obvious male desire of getting their dick to expunge white shit. I'm just trying to help her as another person who is miserable because of their head, and I get a semi when embracing her. I dont even find her that attractive, let alone that I wouldn't try to go behind a person's back like that.

Edit: and the whole time I'm trying to console her, I'm feeling like a piece of shit because what I'm saying is what everyone else said to me. It never made me feel better, to the point where I took a extended bathroom break and sat on the floor to simmer my self-loathing. So what right do I have to say it to her.

 

[redlegs87]

Just got a call for an interview for a job! I know it doesn't mean it's a sure thing but I am pretty excited and hopeful for once.

 

[Colin.]

It looks like it's been rescheduled for early March. That's way too far off for me to commit to it so I guess we'll have to see how I'm feeling.

Sorry to hear that ended up being a bust for you man. Sucks when you get your psyched up to do something, only for said plans to get cancelled/delayed. At least you were able to work up the confidence to be prepared to go ahead with it, which still counts for something I feel. Hopefully things align as planned next time and you show them what they were missing first time around..

I do want to go on record as hating jb1234. Guy is awful at Ys.

Although, I do have to agree with this I'm afraid.

Just got a call for an interview for a job! I know it doesn't mean it's a sure thing but I am pretty excited and hopeful for once.

At least you're being grounded about it, and know it's a chance, but not a sure thing. Potential disappointed can be reduced more that way. But I'm sure everyone here is with me when I say that I wish you the best of luck, and hope your interview goes well.

 

[The Wall]

I do want to go on record as hating jb1234. Guy is awful at Ys.

You're going to loathe me then.