Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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so apparently a good pic matters regarding online dating sites...

i used okcupid on and off for a year and had literally zero luck. i used a bunch of standard pics but decided to take a self portrait with my slr. used good lighting and had a nice depth of field effect going. it worked. more replies (still not great), more conversations and even got a #.

it sounds stupid but i reall think the DOF effect helps a lot. as okcupid trends put it: it makes it more personal and intimate.

im still going to assume nothing, im going to expect nothing but flakes but that is of course their loss.
 
Etrian Oddity said:
Hmm... :\

I know you need to be yourself, but were I a girl I wouldn't really be sold on your profile. Not enough actual substance to get someone to take that first nibble.
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It's a rough WIP essentially, I finished it as soon as I posted it, so I don't expect anything there to stay the same over the next few days
 
Devolution said:
Jipan I don't have enough history reading these threads, are you just shy around people, women specifically? Where's your new college?
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With women to a degree that I've unsuccessful lately. I don't get nervous when I talk to women. I'm cynical of women especially after my last outing with a girl who was attention whore who thought she had me wrapped around her finger. My new college is in the Upper East Side; my alma mater was down in Tribecca for reference. In a sense, I'm afraid that I'm gonna end up with yet another chick who wants me as ego booster of sorts.

I'm a handsome guy as you no doubt have seen in the picture thread (I caught a girl taking four glances at me going to and coming from the bathroom while I was using the computer in school yesterday). I just have confidence issues. That, and I keep telling myself that I don't want to get a chick's number if I feel like she's expressing genuine interest in me. I don't have any female friends that I hang out with for reference except for chicks that I went to school with on Facebook but that's besides the point.
jasonng said:
Here.

I'm trying to encourage other gaffers to post their events there just so there's awareness. For example, there's a good amount of DJs here and I'm trying to get heads for KC's gig next month. There will definitely be girls to talk to.
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I said the same thing in the Meet up thread. We don't necessarily have to just meet up once every GAF meet up, it's cool if guys become close; I could always use more friends myself. Besides, a guy like me could learn a thing or two from you more experienced guys.
 
thanks for the advice, managed to get over that hurdle and kiss her and she was open to it, was worried she was going to push me away or dodge me lol.
 
ThisWreckage said:
I actually see nothing wrong with this. Especially if she was doing such a thing playfully.
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She was very clingy in other ways. I guess context matters when it comes to this kind of thing. Well, the context here wasn't good. And that wasn't the reason I ended it.

Ultimoo said:
thanks for the advice, managed to get over that hurdle and kiss her and she was open to it, was worried she was going to push me away or dodge me lol.
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Very nice. There is a certain energy you can feel when it's time to kiss a girl; a lot of guys make the mistake of not moving in when that moment is there. I've made that mistake myself. Good job on going through with it.
 
onemic said:
Well I made a terribly done profile on Cupid.

suggestions? criticisms? love?
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A few suggestions:
1) You should put in a new picture where you're smiling and looking at the camera.
2) Never phrase anything apologetically. Avoid "so" and "like" and "nerd things involving a computer"
3) You should show some clearer ambition in the "What I'm doing with my life" section. Put what you are working toward, going beyond what you are currently doing.

There's no one way to attract someone, but the taking those suggestions will help you to look confident and show that you have goals.
 
Jipan said:
With women to a degree that I've unsuccessful lately. I don't get nervous when I talk to women. I'm cynical of women especially after my last outing with a girl who was attention whore who thought she had me wrapped around her finger. My new college is in the Upper East Side; my alma mater was down in Tribecca for reference. In a sense, I'm afraid that I'm gonna end up with yet another chick who wants me as ego booster of sorts.

I'm a handsome guy as you no doubt have seen in the picture thread (I caught a girl taking four glances at me going to and coming from the bathroom while I was using the computer in school yesterday). I just have confidence issues. That, and I keep telling myself that I don't want to get a chick's number if I feel like she's expressing genuine interest in me. I don't have any female friends that I hang out with for reference except for chicks that I went to school with on Facebook but that's besides the point.
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Ah okay I understand a bit better now. And yes I didn't want to say anything in my last post about it but since you brought it up, you are quite the handsome fellow which is why I was surprised. Just remember sometimes jerks are unavoidable but you have to get through them to meet awesome people.
 
Door2Dawn said:
So if a girl asks you if you're a virgin, should you tell the truth or lie?
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I can now answer this question from personal experience (Tonight!). I was hooking up with a girl at a party and she asked me almost exactly that (how far have you gone with a girl?) and I answered honestly on both the giving and receiving end. She actually said that was really cute and pulled me in to make out with me. What happened with us for the rest of the night is a really long story that ended with me getting huge blue balls, which is why I'm here right now instead of in bed with her (which I was for about 30min, fuck roommates!).

I actually have a question about this situation now that I think about it. So we ended the night without really talking anything out, it was mostly rushed and awkward after her roommate knocked on the door. So my question is, when I see her around campus, how should I respond to her. I was thinking of just saying "hi ____, I hope everything is ok between us, I had a fun night and I hope you did too"... something along those lines, except maybe more natural sounding since I won't be drunk at the time. I'm leaving out a few details right now so you guys don't judge me (I would probably add those specific details into the above conversation as well). *Note, I never got her number after like three hours too, wasn't really on the agenda

Edit: Bah, I have more questions now, when do they end?! So we were hooking up in front of another few girls I know/have interest in. How do girls respond to this? Like one I've been eyeing for a while started dancing right next to me when I was dancing with my girl. She wasn't the only one either, like girls I've known pretty well for a while saw me hooking up with her, will they have negative attitudes towards me now or what?
 
So in regards to that girl friend (note the space), I'm almost convinced it's a bad fucking idea after today. Not only because I doubt it's worth trying to de-friendzone myself, but she's not in the dating mindset right now. Very withdrawn even in a group of friends, plenty of self-deprecating 'foreveralone' jokes, no thank you. The most interactive she was was after everybody was heading home and we sent some silly texts back and forth while in transit.
 
thestopsign said:
I can now answer this question from personal experience (Tonight!). I was hooking up with a girl at a party and she asked me almost exactly that (how far have you gone with a girl?) and I answered honestly on both the giving and receiving end. She actually said that was really cute and pulled me in to make out with me. What happened with us for the rest of the night is a really long story that ended with me getting huge blue balls, which is why I'm here right now instead of in bed with her (which I was for about 30min, fuck roommates!).

I actually have a question about this situation now that I think about it. So we ended the night without really talking anything out, it was mostly rushed and awkward after her roommate knocked on the door. So my question is, when I see her around campus, how should I respond to her. I was thinking of just saying "hi ____, I hope everything is ok between us, I had a fun night and I hope you did too"... something along those lines, except maybe more natural sounding since I won't be drunk at the time. I'm leaving out a few details right now so you guys don't judge me (I would probably add those specific details into the above conversation as well). *Note, I never got her number after like three hours too, wasn't really on the agenda

Edit: Bah, I have more questions now, when do they end?! So we were hooking up in front of another few girls I know/have interest in. How do girls respond to this? Like one I've been eyeing for a while started dancing right next to me when I was dancing with my girl. She wasn't the only one either, like girls I've known pretty well for a while saw me hooking up with her, will they have negative attitudes towards me now or what?
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I'd leave out the "I hope everything is okay between us" part. Just be casual. You'll probably get to finish the fight soon enough.
 
Puddles said:
I'd leave out the "I hope everything is okay between us" part. Just be casual. You'll probably get to finish the fight soon enough.
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Not sure if you are using fight as a metaphor or something that actually happened, but we didn't actually fight about anything. Her roommate showed up and that was the end of that.
 
thestopsign said:
Not sure if you are using fight as a metaphor or something that actually happened, but we didn't actually fight about anything. Her roommate showed up and that was the end of that.
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Fight. With your respective genitals. For 12 rounds, hopefully ;b
 
Arthrus said:
A few suggestions:
1) You should put in a new picture where you're smiling and looking at the camera.
2) Never phrase anything apologetically. Avoid "so" and "like" and "nerd things involving a computer"
3) You should show some clearer ambition in the "What I'm doing with my life" section. Put what you are working toward, going beyond what you are currently doing.

There's no one way to attract someone, but the taking those suggestions will help you to look confident and show that you have goals.
Click to expand...

re: 1) Can't remember if it was linked to in a thread here or if I saw it somewhere else, but there was a study that showed women respond best to online dating profile pictures where the guy is NOT looking at the camera or smiling. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
 
Gaf, I think I might make an account on this here Okcupid site. What should my account name be? I was thinking something punny like "Roll_Out" but that could be taken negatively I would think.
 
Devolution said:
Ah okay I understand a bit better now. And yes I didn't want to say anything in my last post about it but since you brought it up, you are quite the handsome fellow which is why I was surprised. Just remember sometimes jerks are unavoidable but you have to get through them to meet awesome people.
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I get that all the time, but thanks any way. :) Even at the GAF meet up people were saying the same thing too. I'm generally a nice guy; I believe in chivalry and all that jazz; I hold doors for women (and guys) if they're behind me, I give up my seat to a women with children, pregnant women, and elderly people on the train. So I deserve better but like you said, it's all about getting through the bad before getting to the good ones. My last date was with a girl that I met from OKC last summer.

Suffice to say there wasn't any chemistry there; she kept checking her phone every now and then which I thought was disrespectful, so I checked out other women that passed by as a result. I never contacted her again. It's been a tough for me, especially since every time I mess up with a girl, I tend to hold back on women by not touching them lightly.

I also have a tendency to get obsessed with women once I realize they're interested in me by hunting down their Facebook profile and lurking in it. I thankfully cut that out recently. I'm keeping my head held high otherwise. Maybe it's time I give chicks a chance and go for their numbers if it feels right; just not too late to the point where it's the end of the semester. And I definitely gotta go to some school clubs as well.
 
Jackben said:
Here's another 'abort signal activated' scenario: http://i.imgur.com/Zuoxg.jpg
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I have been "seeing" a girl for a week and we're starting to get exclusive but not actually dating yet.

And here I thought WE were moving too fast.

The best part is her crazy friends trying to back her up for the dumbest decision ever. A tattoo of your SO's face is never okay, even if you get married and have been together 20 years, much less ONE FUCKING WEEK.
 
Livejournal-Age

Yesterday, I was waiting at the train station and I noticed this girl sitting in some distance was checking me out. I was really nervous, but I kept my cool outwardly at least, and smiled at her. Sure enough, she sat on the seat vis-a-vis from me when the train arrived. Every now and then I noticed her peeking at me from behind her book, but I was just too goddamn nervous to say anything. If it was just the two of us, maybe, but there were people everywhere.
Ugh. It seems I'm doing something right because I've noticed girls checking me out occasionally in the last few months, but I can't act on it due to my social anxiety (which has gotten worse in the last few weeks again). I'd say I'm a fairly handsome guy so it shouldn't be that surprising that girls are checking me out, but I've gotten so used to being totally ignored by females due to social anxiety that I'm still kinda shocked every time I notice it.

tl;dr: Girl totally wanted my dick, and I (once again) couldn't act on it. I'm throwing away the chances in bulk by now.

Edit: I mean for fucks sake, she was reading. I could've asked her what she was reading. So easy, and yet I couldn't do it.
I'm so fucking frustrated with myself. It's not that she was my dream girl or anything, it's that I can't even act when it's totally obvious a girl is interested. I've made literally zero progress in that regard. WTF is wrong with me?
ugh.
 
L'esprit de l'escalier.

It's a disease I suffer from too.

(literally: wit of the staircase. When you think of the right thing to say, only after you've left the situation in question)
 
JokerOfSpades said:
L'esprit de l'escalier.

It's a disease I suffer from too.

(literally: wit of the staircase. When you think of the right thing to say, only after you've left the situation in question)
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This is normally the case with me, but this time, I was literally thinking "Ask her what she's reading. Ask her what she's reading. Ask her what she's reading. Do it."
And I just couldn't do it.
 
I need some techniques in making "assertive" moves during a concert. With confidence and stuff...

I'm going to go see Radiohead next Saturday with some chick that has been giving me mixed signals for a while.

I need to be direct and precise with this... to see if something is going to happen or not. I wouldn't mind sleeping with her later that night but if something doesn't happen... I'm calling it quits completely. Doesn't help that she invited me to another concert the following Wednesday..

blah!
 
I've met at girl I like, I think we're going to the same ACTA demonstration today (over 11.000 protesters I think). So doubt I will find her... but im also with some other people, and particularly one guy who is going to be tag along on me, I think, so might not have a chance to make a move:o
 
jasonng said:
Here.

I'm trying to encourage other gaffers to post their events there just so there's awareness. For example, there's a good amount of DJs here and I'm trying to get heads for KC's gig next month. There will definitely be girls to talk to.
Click to expand...
Me, KC and others are going to Nero on the 31st.
 
Yeaaaah... so, apparently I turned a lady friend into a +1 friend with benefits yesterday.

Thing is I cant remember what I did, 'cause I have a blackout @_@

Last thing I recall is drinking lots of free bourbon from this one guy I met at the bar I talked about with my friend, and being terrible with the ladies last night.

EDIT: Note to self: Drink less when Im out. Good GOD the headache!
 
demon said:
re: 1) Can't remember if it was linked to in a thread here or if I saw it somewhere else, but there was a study that showed women respond best to online dating profile pictures where the guy is NOT looking at the camera or smiling. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
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Fair enough. I'd be interested in seeing the study.
 
A man never turns down a bourbon, your hangover is justified.

So the girl I took out on Thursday turned out to come from a heavy Christian family. She came to new York to experience life outside her realm (she seems to be questioning her faith). I'd feel guilty if I persuade her in the ways of the secular flesh. I'm going to take it slow with this one since I'm having fun but a part of me says I shouldn't be that guy.
 
SuperAndroid17 said:
I need some techniques in making "assertive" moves during a concert. With confidence and stuff...

I'm going to go see Radiohead next Saturday with some chick that has been giving me mixed signals for a while.

I need to be direct and precise with this... to see if something is going to happen or not. I wouldn't mind sleeping with her later that night but if something doesn't happen... I'm calling it quits completely. Doesn't help that she invited me to another concert the following Wednesday..

blah!
Click to expand...

Aside from being a fun guy, and flirting, lots and lots of personal touch. If you guys are jumping up and down or singing loud, throw your arms around her, first in a "fune we are having a blast" way, and then leave your arm there and slightly pull her closer. If she doesn't push back, you are in.
 
So I got a call from the girl last night, the one that started acting weird after I asked her out. She heard I was having a party and wanted to join us. It was strange because she had to work at 5am the next day, so I figured she just really wanted to hang out with me.

Nope. She spent the whole night ignoring me and hitting on my friend who A) Wasn't interested, and made that clear throughout the night and B) Already has a girlfriend. She was pretty much rubbing my face in it. At the end of the night everyone split and it was just me, her, and my buddy (who needed to sober up) and I may as well not have existed. I was the life of the party throughout the night so I wasn't acting timid, this girl was actively ignoring me. What could possibly be going through her head? It's like she set out from the beginning to make me feel bad.
 
Crossposting from the OKC thread:
Plywood said:
Thinking of changing my profile to this as my current one is incredibly dry in comparison:

My self-summary:
I'm like a sword, I cut through the bullshit.

What I'm doing with my life:
Constantly self-improving under the guise of self-imprisoned enterprise. Basically I excercise daily and I try to read a fuckton of books(1-2 weekly, so much OMG!) and watch atleast 1 movie(a week) so I can get some goddamn culture in me.

I'm really good at:
Common Sense
Untangling things
Fixing your computer
Oral
Trying new foods
Banging out a 100 sentences

The first things people usually notice about me:
My hair, Fabio fall back.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food:

Here are some examples:

Books: Mystery(Touching Evil), Fantasy(Game of Thrones), Scifi(Halo)

Movies: Action(Kill Bill), Drama, Thriller, Horror(silent Hill), Comedy(Easy A)

Shows: Drama(House M.D., Luther) Comedy(Archer, Futurama, Simpsons) Scifi(Battlestar Galactica)

Music: Pop(Little Boots, Gaga, Lykke Li) consumes my taste foremost, then Dubstep(the real kind, not the WUB WUB such as Burial, Clubroot) and Classical and a bit of a bunch of other genres(Kaki King, Janelle Monáe, Sigur Ros, Nujabes).

Food: I eat whatever is on my plate.

Six things I could never do without:

My dog
My family
Water, cause I get thirsty writing this bitch.
Music
Words
Even numbers because those other numbers are so odd.

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

Stressing the small things and laughing at the big things.

On a typical Friday Night I am:

Not here.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit:

I'm less of a many acquaintances person and more of a few close friends kind.

You should message me if:

You can go to toe with me in the squared circle.
You need a dick that listens.
A conversation that starts at day and ends at night.
if u liek dis n u cried



Thoughts? Reviews? Criticisms? And I gotta flesh out the Books, movies, shows, section with some more examples, I know.
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ClovingSteam already told me to remove Oral.
 
Tkawsome said:
So I got a call from the girl last night, the one that started acting weird after I asked her out. She heard I was having a party and wanted to join us. It was strange because she had to work at 5am the next day, so I figured she just really wanted to hang out with me.

Nope. She spent the whole night ignoring me and hitting on my friend who A) Wasn't interested, and made that clear throughout the night and B) Already has a girlfriend. She was pretty much rubbing my face in it. At the end of the night everyone split and it was just me, her, and my buddy (who needed to sober up) and I may as well not have existed. I was the life of the party throughout the night so I wasn't acting timid, this girl was actively ignoring me. What could possibly be going through her head? It's like she set out from the beginning to make me feel bad.
Click to expand...

Don't invite her to your next one.
 
Plywood said:
Crossposting from the OKC thread:

ClovingSteam already told me to remove Oral.
Click to expand...

Okay. Hold on. Critcisms or stuff to exclude in bold.

My self-summary:
I'm like a sword, I cut through the bullshit.

What I'm doing with my life:
Constantly self-improving under the guise of self-imprisoned enterprise. Basically I excercise daily and I try to read a fuckton of books(1-2 weekly, so much OMG!) and watch atleast 1 movie(a week) so I can get some goddamn culture in me. <-- I'd reword this to make it sound less like a chore and more like something you enjoy.

I'm really good at:
Common Sense no no no, ax this
Untangling things
Fixing your computer my computer, what if I'm a geek too?
Oral covered I guess
Trying new foods good
Banging out a 100 sentences what

The first things people usually notice about me:
My hair, Fabio fall back. Okay this one is funny

Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food:

Here are some examples:

Books: Mystery(Touching Evil), Fantasy(Game of Thrones), Scifi(Halo)

Movies: Action(Kill Bill), Drama, Thriller, Horror(silent Hill), Comedy(Easy A)

Shows: Drama(House M.D., Luther) Comedy(Archer, Futurama, Simpsons) Scifi(Battlestar Galactica)

Music: Pop(Little Boots, Gaga, Lykke Li) consumes my taste foremost, then Dubstep(the real kind, not the WUB WUB such as Burial, Clubroot) and Classical and a bit of a bunch of other genres(Kaki King, Janelle Monáe, Sigur Ros, Nujabes).

Food: I eat whatever is on my plate.

Six things I could never do without:

My dog
My family
Water, cause I get thirsty writing this bitch.
Music
Words
Even numbers because those other numbers are so odd.

^ I'd rework this section

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

Stressing the small things and laughing at the big things. Not specific enough.

On a typical Friday Night I am:

Not here.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit:

I'm less of a many acquaintances person and more of a few close friends kind.

You should message me if:

You can go to toe with me in the squared circle.
You need a dick that listens.
You want A conversation that starts at day and ends at night.
if u liek dis n u cried

Hopefully that will help some. I feel like as a guy you either need to be specific or funny, and if it's not funny then consider removing it, since it might be a put off for the women who come across it. Humor is a good way to reject women without rejecting them (since humorless people suck) but done wrong it can put a lot of women off. Timedog's for instance is a good example because it's hilarious without being cruel or insulting. Not that anything in yours was Plywood but I've looked at a couple profiles that made me roll my eyes and move on.
 
Devolution said:
Hopefully that will help some. I feel like as a guy you either need to be specific or funny, and if it's not funny then consider removing it, since it might be a put off for the women who come across it. Humor is a good way to reject women without rejecting them (since humorless people suck) but done wrong it can put a lot of women off. Timedog's for instance is a good example because it's hilarious without being cruel or insulting. Not that anything in yours was Plywood but I've looked at a couple profiles that made me roll my eyes and move on.
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Excellente. Muchas gracias Devo.

I'll be making changes and posting it later today.
 
my date is tonight. i'm really nervous, anxious, apprehensive, etc. i feel like i'm going to fuck something up or it won't be a good date or something, but oh well, i'm kinda excited lol
 
Lkr said:
my date is tonight. i'm really nervous, anxious, apprehensive, etc. i feel like i'm going to fuck something up or it won't be a good date or something, but oh well, i'm kinda excited lol
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Imagine yourself as Timedog. What would Timedog do? That's how I live my life ;b
 
Lkr said:
my date is tonight. i'm really nervous, anxious, apprehensive, etc. i feel like i'm going to fuck something up or it won't be a good date or something, but oh well, i'm kinda excited lol
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Just look it at as a small step towards your end goal, and she may not even be the right one for you anyway. Might help take some stress off.
 
Ok, redid parts of my profile again, specifically the parts I didn't really bother doing before:

My self-summary

You clicked on the pic of sexy and ended up here. Where is here you may ask? It's my awesomesauce profile silly, where I say totally random things that will make you explode in a fire of long lasting want and desire. Desire is a vice you say? well I eat vices up for breakfast and spit out the virtues.

What I&#8217;m doing with my life

Doing my honors in liberal arts, but other than that I am what you can call the chillest person you can meet. Like to travel? check. Play music? Check. Sports? check. Being that totally random tech expert when technology goes awry? check. You don't wanna see me with a pair of screwdrivers when I'm angry, that computer's gonna get shoved a new fan

I&#8217;m really good at

Doing those things where you're like, "damn I wish I thought of that"
Making you laugh
Making you smile













like now

constructing arguments about how crunchy peanut butter sucks

Finding stars in the most random places. Mario said he wanted he wanted his job back. I politely said, "no you plump mustache plumber."

Philosophizing about eating the red ones last. It is the most sought after question of every humans life when they eat a pack of smarties. Under what moral ground do these red smarties have to be savagely eaten last? It is a question that may never be answered

Give me a pair of sticks and my inner John Bonham will rock the set so hard, Barney will come out of retirement. Right before jamming out on the bass in one giant flash of creepy plush dinosaur music



The first things people usually notice about me

My sexy filling the screen in one great giant orgy of sexiness


Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Books: 1984 is all my mind needs. I've been interested in reading Ayn Rand novels, but everywhere I turn I'm reminded of how insanely crazy Ayn Rand is.

Shows: Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Game of Thrones, The Wire

Music: I like too many types of music to count so I'll just relegate it to hip hop, rock, alternative, indie, electronic, experimental, jazz

....And I already listed too much, but if you were to ever get into a music debate with me my faves are currently: Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, Rush, The Roots, Destroyer, Deerhunter, and Wutang

Food: I'm not foodist, all food is equal to me


The six things I could never do without

PC
Drums
Guitar
Phone

4 things, guess I'm in trouble now :o

Well it seems as if there is a hidden requirement to get to 1000 words to make your profile unlocked.... sooooooo to help get this crazy limit, I guess I'll say that if I was ever put on an island with Questlove and Paul McCartney and the plane to get us off the island could only carry two people, I'd take quest every time. Sorry Paul, I hate Wings


I spend a lot of time thinking about

Those weird questions Okcupid makes users fill out

On a typical Friday night I am

Out of the house doing something and not on OKC durr

The most private thing I&#8217;m willing to admit

I rescued a cat once
It thanked me afterward


I&#8217;m looking for

Girls who like guys
Ages 20-30
Near me
For new friends


You should message me if

You're cool, carefree, and wanna know more about me
you smiled
you also think about eating the red ones last



Once again, it was mostly stream of consciousness stuff, so it might sound weirder than it should be. Criticize away!
 
Date keeps getting pushed back... already rescheduled from yesterday, supposed to meet her in an hour. Originally was supposed to be at 8 today. Meh, if there's any more tardiness I'm probably just gonna go watch the UFC fights somewhere with some friends.
 
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