-
Hey Guest. Check out your NeoGAF Wrapped 2025 results here!
Gay and Bisexual relationship thread |OT|
- Thread starter Replicant
- Start date
- Status
As someone who has previously been in a long term on and off open relationship, I think I can give you some advice. My previous partner was a bisexual woman.
Number one rule here is to only agree to what you're truly okay with. If you really don't mind her making out with other women, then that's fine and she should understand and respect those boundaries that you both have agreed on.
Having freedom within a relationship is a good thing, as we don't want to smother each other - but an open relationship of sorts is perhaps one of the more extreme freedoms a couple can agree on. Freedom like that becomes a bad thing if we're only doing it so that our partner won't leave us, fear that they'll cheat instead or it starts to make us jealous and unhappy etc.
There are many different types of relationship, monogamous or not, so just go with what feels right for you and makes you happy. If you want to stay committed to each other and each other alone, then you know what you need to do.
As a bisexual myself, let me weigh in on the matter.
Her attractions do not give her free licence to sleep around with whoever she wants. She has to respect your feelings and if you are not comfortable with an open relationship then it is not a card on the table. You don't sleep with every girl you find attractive, she doesn't get to either.
I have to ask, has she recently realized she is bisexual or is this something she has known for a long time? If she has just recently come to accept this of herself, it's going to be incredibly difficult for her to come to terms with her feelings in a monogamous relationship. Not impossible, mind you, but it would be good to try and understand her feelings. It's not for everybody, but have you considered sharing a partner with her?
I don't know about you giving permission for her to make out with other girls. I think it's sending mixed messages. But you shouldn't worry about her cheating on you. Part of a relationship is trusting your partner and just because she has confessed to having attractions to the same sex doesn't change that.
But you should really be open to discussing this with her. You don't ever want to appear to close off anytime she mentions her attractions as it can lead her to feel that you disapprove of her or think her feelings are wrong. If you do agree to allow her to make out with other girls, I think it should be a very open and informed event. At least have her let you know when she does it even if you don't want to be involved. At the very least, it should help keep those bonds of trust as she keeps you informed of her activities and it shows you are still interested and supportive of her.
I'll just stress the most important thing one last time though - communication.
Incognito mode!Not that I use it.
Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure.
Semi open relationships take a lot of trust, both giving and earning. You cant trust her all day, but if she hasn't earned that trust it is for naught. You need to find where you are comfortable NOW, and make that the current boundary, with changes to be made based on future experiences. If she is not able to do that, I would say she just wants to have her cake and eat it too. If she goes for that, it might be the start of a beautiful thing.
Edit: Also what BeesEight said.
I should mention she brought it up as a hypothetical thing, and we did establish that if she did go as far as making out that she'd text me when it happens. She said it might not happen at all. I absolutely took the sex with chicks off the table. That won't fly.
She's known that she's been bisexual for a long time, probably 10 years or so. During that period she's had two long term relationships with guys, both of whom didn't allow her to do anything. The last one she had was also physically abusive towards the end.
I think it took her alot of guts to come out to me because she mentioned a couple times that she thought she'd lose me if I found out. She was very nervous about the whole thing.
I think at this point I'm going to keep going ahead with her. We've made it clear to eachother that we'd communicate if something was wrong. All I can do is keep placing my trust in her to follow the guidelines we've set up. I don't think it's jealous of me to assume that we can have a monogamous relationship.
She's known that she's been bisexual for a long time, probably 10 years or so. During that period she's had two long term relationships with guys, both of whom didn't allow her to do anything. The last one she had was also physically abusive towards the end.
I think it took her alot of guts to come out to me because she mentioned a couple times that she thought she'd lose me if I found out. She was very nervous about the whole thing.
I think at this point I'm going to keep going ahead with her. We've made it clear to eachother that we'd communicate if something was wrong. All I can do is keep placing my trust in her to follow the guidelines we've set up. I don't think it's jealous of me to assume that we can have a monogamous relationship.
That's funny! I've never ever been caught with porn, be it during or after it. I guess I've always been cautious, though I remember one time I was googling for porn (those were the times...) and somehow a program ended up on the desktop. It was one of those that would dial up once run, and I guess it was supposed to bill you that way. Worse was that I couldn't delete it. I can't remember how I got rid of it, but I think I did some sort of restore function. I believe this was on XP, and I was like 13 but had seen my sister do it before.
It's funny, some months ago I admit to my family that I watched porn (because they are such prudes and were disgusted _someone could do that_) and it was funny to see their reactions.
As for gaming, I'm between Skyward Sword currently at
and Soul Silver. I must admit my passion for Pokémon has decreased, and can't put up with much of its randomness!
It's funny, some months ago I admit to my family that I watched porn (because they are such prudes and were disgusted _someone could do that_) and it was funny to see their reactions.
As for gaming, I'm between Skyward Sword currently at
Din's trial, I hate these stupid trials
I agree with what everyone else said pretty much, but I think you handled it the right way. I'd take kissing off the table too, though. As has been said, it sends mixed messages. Would it be ok if she were making out with other guys if the opportunity presented itself? If not, it shouldn't be ok for women, either.
At the end of the day, this isn't really a sexuality issue. The same rules most heterosexual couples follow apply here as well. In my experience, only people who have it in their mind to cheat make it about their bisexuality. It's an excuse, no more grounded than other bullshit excuses like "Well, it's not cheating if I'm in a different state."
Definitely. I've met enough people that say they would never date a bisexual to definitely hold off telling a potential partner right away. It was a great sign of trust that she told you, so that's an excellent sign!
Not at all. People have lots of expectations for relationships and partners need to respect that. Polyamorous/open relationships have a lot of difficulties and just aren't for everyone. It's good that you discussed it and you've seemed to be pretty open and accepting as well. So kudos for you. I hope it all works out.
I love my family dearly, but there's some things I wouldn't discuss with them. :S
Coppertracks
Member
Real men flip flop imo.
"It's takes a real man to take it up the arse!"
One of my favourite comebacks to straight guys ;D
Never pretend or try to forget. Ever. He will not change and it will happen again. Run.
Congrats trimon! I am glad everything went fine. I hope it continues that way and you get even more the positive reinforcement 
Not everyone is ready at the same time (or in extreme cases, not everybody realizes it at the same age).
Not everyone grew up under the same circumstances, place, years or around the same kind of people.
Coming out should be analyzed in a case by case basis.
I am not saying is healthy or recommend to stay in the closet [heck, coming out is one of the best things I have done for my mental health], but you shouldn't expect everybody to have the same experience as you and "fulfill" some kind of "standards" or "rules" [like coming out at certain age].
Not everyone is ready at the same time (or in extreme cases, not everybody realizes it at the same age).
Not everyone grew up under the same circumstances, place, years or around the same kind of people.
Coming out should be analyzed in a case by case basis.
I am not saying is healthy or recommend to stay in the closet [heck, coming out is one of the best things I have done for my mental health], but you shouldn't expect everybody to have the same experience as you and "fulfill" some kind of "standards" or "rules" [like coming out at certain age].
I don't think him staying was an option. I could have read it wrong, but I think it was a choice between righteous storm of fury or quietly bowing out.
Coppertracks
Member
Ah woops. Long day at work so I'm misreading everything XP In that case I'd just quietly bow out!
Pffft... surfing for pr0n on Windows 98 BETA using Internet Explorer 4 and the Altavista and Inktomi search engines on dial-up is where is at!
I hated the first trial [FUCK YOU FARON!] but absolutely enjoyed the rest <3
What Pokémon game are you playing?
I finished SoulSilver and Black when they came out [Black and White have soooo many improvements] but I can't make myself continue playing Platinum [got to the first gym years ago]
What are you like... old or something?!
Bel Marduk
Banned
Bitch I used Windows 3.1 (but not really dos, I'm not that old).
Meh, forget Altavista...Netscape was better.
Oh Netscape. No one ever used you: it was essentially like browsing on incognito mode.
I remember playing the shareware version of one of the Commander Keen games on what I think was a Commodore 64. We later had a Windows 3.1 box, Windows 95, 98, XP (I'm still on this), and up through Vista and 7.
And now so this post is remotely on-topic, I remember using the 95 box now and then to browse Literotica for filthy, filthy stories.
And now so this post is remotely on-topic, I remember using the 95 box now and then to browse Literotica for filthy, filthy stories.
dragonlife
Member
Computers when I was in Elementary School used it.
Cosmic Bus
pristine morning snow
Heh, I was literally just looking for a good screenshot of a BBS to post as an example of what we grandpa gaygafers used to dirty chat on!
Raise your hand if you ever left the damn thing on all night to download a 10-second .mov clip that was probably mislabeled anyway.
SpaceBridge
Member
Whateves, I surfed the Net when it was called BBS's.
Hahahaha.. *raises hand*
And the quality was so bad, but "OMG porn!".
Now you go to Google and in seconds every cock size, color, shape is in there..and at multiple resolutions too.
But I was too little and the computer was in my brother's room. Have more fond memories of Encarta and Netscape in the 90s because it was my own computer.
It wasn't like I wanted to share or discuss it, I was fed up with their prude attitude and decided to get the cat out of the bag. ;3
You guys make me feel young ._. The first computer we had at home was a Windows 95 that lasted well until XP had settled in the market. I've always shared computers until my sister got a laptop for herself. Nowadays I have the desktop computer all for me. Still, wish it was in my room, though.
Maybe you are young?
The first computer I can remember was this old black and white (actually, black and yellow) cube thing that, for all I know, only ran space invaders. I was pretty little at the time so can't give any more details about it though it certainly didn't have windows. It may have played pong as well?
I think my family still has the same computer they bought in 99 
Last night was AMAZING. Watched Fallen for the first time with my guy then
. On top of that my results at the health department came back negative and my tax lady hooked me big time. Me Gusta.
Now to play SFxT until Tales arrives.
Last night was AMAZING. Watched Fallen for the first time with my guy then
flip flopped back and forth for what felt like hours, we were DRENCHED in sweat by the end of it
Now to play SFxT until Tales arrives.
Katana_Strikes
Member
I loved the Amiga. Fond memories of playing that with my dad when I was younger.
Aw I was just about to comment on your story
I will add that yeah, it's incredibly annoying meeting up with a guy and having to ask all the questions when he shows a disinterest and doesn't bother to ask anything back. Definitely a lot of effort just to keep things at a normal pace.. so it's always baffling getting a text after saying they're interested and want to meet up again.
I was in the same boat on the weekend though. But instead he offered to go back to his place to watch which turned out to be a really dull movie from the 80s. I wanted to leave so badly about half way through but decided to stay anyway in hope things would get better. After the movie, we took turns staring at each other (I refused to ask any more questions). It got awkward so I just decided to go home. He texted me a
after I left but at that point I was already put off after having wasted the night so I didn't reply. Sounds harsh, but honestly, it just wasn't a good match in personality if he's in all honesty that shy.There just seems to be a real lack of gay guys around my age who are able to carry a conversion with good stories, or opinions about current events, etc. I could chalk it up to them not being interested in me, but half the time they text wanting to hang out again so I don't really get it.
Katana_Strikes
Member
Aw I was just about to comment on your story
Sorry I meant to press preview instead of submit :S But it's ready now
Well today I had a meet up with a guy I spoke to online 2 days ago. First time, since my ex destroyed me 4/5 months ago. We swap numbers and talk a bit and he suggests we meet. I agree it would be nice to have a day out so we could talk (I usually wait a lot longer but he seemed keen). He seemed nice and had good intentions though our txt conversations were pretty light (maybe he was waiting to delve deeper in a face to face I thought). So nothing to really lose, I went out trying to be quite confident and not too nervous about meeting a fellow gay guy. Expectations were low, I wasn't really looking for anything too deep other than to see what he was like and just go from there really. I wasn't looking to hook up and get carried away. Just a friendly meet...
First problem is getting to him. He's pretty much in the middle of nowhere and I don't drive, so bus is the only option. Trouble is, none go directly to him. So it's about 2 hrs to get to his village. We meet, first impressions are not great. He made no effort to dress up even a little. He looked like a scruff and his clothes were dirty :/ We pop to the shop because he wants a drink, doesn't offer me anything after all the nightmare of getting to him and I froze my butt off waiting around. So anyways, we go for a wander down by the river. I love the village he lives in BTW. Went with my ex last year and had a brill day out. But we just stand there... barely talking much as it was a bit awkward, just standing there. Then once a woman and her dog moves on, we sit down where they were and again have a bit of a conversation. But it's hard work because he's not really saying much and I'm doing all the hard work, asking questions and trying to make things flow even though I'm not interested in the guy. He asks me one question that whole 1 hr and 40 mins I was with him "do I drink much?". That's it!
So I make my excuse that I'll need to get back because I need to make sure I get home at some point today with another 2 hr journey and 3 buses later on my hands. I get home and he sends me a txt "so what now for us?" I txt back saying it would be cool to stay friends and keep chatting, only for him to reply "yeah well I guess I'm not boyfriend material". WTF!!! How do I bother replying to that? Well I don't, cause I've had it with him. He's really not my type, I could never see us working and he's pretty boring to be with. If he was looking for something more, than he darned well should have put some effort in trying, even a little bit. It would be impossible to work even if I fell for him there and then due to the transport issues. Even though he's only a few towns from me, he might as well live on the Moon for what it's worth.
It was a complete waste of a day and bus fare TBH. Sure I gave it a go and it was potentially a first step in gaining my confidence back, but really I think the opposite has occurred. It's certainly not the worst meet I've ever had but it sure didn't do me any favours either. I'm supposed to be meeting a guy on Wednesday next week but TBH after today I think I'd be wasting my time again.
Just my little rant from a crappy day out
Katana_Strikes
Member
Aw I was just about to comment on your story
I will add that yeah, it's incredibly annoying meeting up with a guy and having to ask all the questions when he shows a disinterest and doesn't bother to ask anything back. Definitely a lot of effort just to keep things at a normal pace.. so it's always baffling getting a text after saying they're interested and want to meet up again.
I was in the same boat on the weekend though. But instead he offered to go back to his place to watch which turned out to be a really dull movie from the 80s. I wanted to leave so badly about half way through but decided to stay anyway in hope things would get better. After the movie, we took turns staring at each other (I refused to ask any more questions). It got awkward so I just decided to go home. He texted me a
There just seems to be a real lack of gay guys around my age who are able to carry a conversion with good stories, or opinions about current events, etc. I could chalk it up to them not being interested in me, but half the time they text wanting to hang out again so I don't really get it.
I wouldn't necessarily say he showed a disinterest as he was more keen than me to meet, so much as a lack of personality and ability to hold any conversation.
Yeah it seems harsh not to reply but at the end of the day if they can't put the effort into it the first time around why bother going back for seconds. It just ain't going to work. You and I both tried, probably stayed and attempted something longer than we should have but in the end we didn't get anything from it.
How old are you Scythe BTW?
What's a brill?
Personally, I wouldn't have even told him that I was interested in being friends. There are lots of people out there that seem to struggle with socializing. I know meeting new people is difficult and all, but I'm often baffled by some who just won't even make an effort. I've been guilty of shying away from my share of situations but I'm still capable of trying to make conversation.
Sounds like it was a really big waste of time. Sorry to hear about that. At least you won't have to make the bus trip again.
Halfway through 28
But yeah I've actually gone the route of dating someone who wasn't very interesting and it gradually drove a wedge between us.. so never trying that again hah.
28 and you can't find people that can participate in a conversation? That sounds like a streak of really bad luck.
I've dated someone that was pretty boring too, but that was well back in high school. I wouldn't recommend it either.
Katana_Strikes
Member
Coppertracks
Member
I've done the dating guys who don't seem that interested and it just isn't worth the effort.
They start a conversation (online) and then barely respond, or give 1 word answers. They ask to meet up and stay quiet the whole time during the date. You introduce them to your friends and they say nothing. Arrgh!
These days unless there's funny, witty back n forth I don't really bother with someone.
They start a conversation (online) and then barely respond, or give 1 word answers. They ask to meet up and stay quiet the whole time during the date. You introduce them to your friends and they say nothing. Arrgh!
These days unless there's funny, witty back n forth I don't really bother with someone.
Maybe it's bad luck but I'm also being a bit melodramatic. I should say that I've met good guys, but the relationships (non-sexual) with the conversational types tend to fade since everyone seems to be busy with work, family, etc. Hard to maintain that.
EDIT: I had no idea what brill meant either lol.
Mystic Theurge
Member
Online Dating woes, huh?
At least you guys reach the meeting stage. I barely get responses, and the ones that do respond clearly aren't interested since I'm the one doing all the asking.
At least you guys reach the meeting stage. I barely get responses, and the ones that do respond clearly aren't interested since I'm the one doing all the asking.
Although not the case here, I have a problem when in a conversation someone mentions a word I don't know and I nod instead of asking about it :/ I guess a lot of times i'm afraid to sound ignorant, gotta change that!
Yep. This happened me me today.
A guy I'd already be talking to online tranferred into a class I was in to see me. He messaged me twice before I messaged back. Shows up, smiles and stares, etc.... Just.... almost no talking. At all. I knew 12 people in the 20 person class, so I tried to introduce him to some friends to get him socialize. No dice. After class I invited him back to my apartment to watch TV to see if that'll get him to talk, maybe he was just afraid of the social situation, and he gives some roundabout uncomfortable "maybe". I left without asking for his number, and I'm kind of pissed =\
This is why I usually don't go for nerdier shy dudes.
I don't think I'd only talk to them if they were funny and witty. So long as they can at least hold a conversation or have some interesting thoughts than I'm willing to put forth an effort. If they can't really say much and never articulate their thoughts then I agree, I don't really have the time to try and force something out of them.
I'm glad I wasn't the only one who didn't know.
I do find it's more work to keep in touch with people as I get older and I've been really bad for not maintaining communication with people. It's something I need to work on. Sadly, I never really took to facebook which seems the easiest way to keep up with people's lives nowadays.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
i don't know how to hold a conversation or articulate or have interesting thoughts
Ollie Pooch
In a perfect world, we'd all be homersexual
I remember using Telnet to download porn from newsgroups in 1mb chunks.Whateves, I surfed the Net when it was called BBS's.
Also, I'd just like to announce I have got around to starting I Love New York season 1. This shit is amazing.
- Status