Im trying to get back into the game. Started working out again to help improve my body and confidence. Ive been chatting with guys online I probably shouldnt be having any business chatting with. Most of them arent even local....but I got all caught up in the fantasy that maybe we cane make something happen. Or maybe even just for the attention which I dont seem to get much any more in my older years.
Im a romantic at heart, always have been, and I wear my heart on my sleeve, take it or leave it. I cant do orgies, I cant do fuckbuddies, I cant do anonymous sex, cant do open relationships. And Im envious of those of you who can. Ive tried to but my heart gets in the way it becomes too painful to bang a guy who really doesnt want anything else to do with you.
Anyhoo, one guy Im chatting with, we`ve been chatting for acouple of weeks, and I get all romantic in my texts, makes him all quiet. Keep in mind he`s sent me an ass pic not 10 mins earlier, so Im thinking he might at least find me attractive. So after a really long 30 seconds he responds that we`re just friends and that Im not really all that attractive, which feels like someone kicked me right in the balls. I then go into damage control saying shit like I was kidding...blah blah blah. But damn that hurt. It hurt, cuz even though I front alot, I have some pretty deep self image issues, as most gay men seem to have. And then things start to make sense cuz while Ive been showering him with compliments I realize that not once has he reciprocated other than to tell me I have a `masculine`face. So I decide to sign off making up some excuse but before I go he tells me to send him a dick pic cuz he`s really curious, at which point I feel all gross inside and am reminded why I hate all this meeting online and grindr apps and shit. Anyways Im gonna regret feeling this way tomorrow and writing this out cuz it sounds so dumb as I type it. And my apologies for the rambling.
I just wanna be in love again, you know. Theres nothing like that feeling. The excitement in your stomach, the anitcipation. Counting down the seconds until you get to hold him in your arms. That feeling. Nothing like it.
edit: Im an LTR guy. Was in one for almost a decade....just for reference.
double edit: I do this alot. I construct these `fantasies` with the wrong guys cuz it sets me up for disappointment. *barf* re-reading the above really makes it sound so self indulgent of me. So whiny. lol.
triple edit: i know what Im doing is insane. Seeking legitimization from someone else. But we all do it. Whether your cruising online sites, going to a bar, crusing the gym. Who doesnt want to be wanted, desired, or loved. I know I do.
