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[Jhoan]

Looking for a bit of help in some positive thinking here.

The girl I've been with for a little while now (2 months) is coming over tonight to "chat." She's been overwhelmed with work/school lately and I've noticed a clear change in her behavior towards me, albeit during texting, not in person.

I've kind of been panicking lately cause her behavior has just been really off (texting me one word responses, not texting me at all, etc.), and it's been starting to take a toll on me, cause honestly, I really like her. Though we hung out Saturday night and things were totally normal.

Any positive thoughts/advice to get my mind out of the dump would be very much appreciated. I'm trying to go into this "chat" as confident as I can, and I know I won't be able to in my current mindset. Thanks in advance.

Go to the gym, draw (if you like doing that), play some multiplayer of a game (since you're socializing, it should help) or a singleplayer, or get some homework done. I suppose she's coming over to relax, after not having much time to do that so think of it that way. Anticipatory fear is the worst kind of fear to have which is I think you're going through now; you're anticipating bad news, but don't sweat it.

---
In other news, I went to the fraternity meet-up yesterday. It was pretty interesting; I've met a couple of more guys. They're all pretty cool; it's quite the electic cast to say the least. I think it's going to be a very good investment in the long run. There's always something to do; I'm amazed by that. I have to ga party next Saturday even though I have to pay, but it should be fun.

In order to stay in it, people have to pass all their classes, Suffice to say, I'm kicking ass in all of my classes so I'm not worried about that. I know when I have to get an assignment that has to be done and when I have be to working in the studio getting my art stuff done. But any way, the social proof is great; I was getting checked out by girls just because I was dressed formally (in business casual attire).

While I was I talking to my friend, I noticed this one girl who looked to the side supposedly to look out the window while she was walking down the hall. I made eye contact with her, but she got pretty scared, and ignored it. I know she was checking us out. I don't understand women in that sense.

I had an opportunity to hang out with this girl who's in my 2D Studio Intensive class number since she was showing so much interest in me (she saw the artwork that I was working on for my drawing class, as well my artwork for the class that we're in). I made her laugh and whatnot; let me be me. Plus when I asked her what she was doing for Spring Break, she said nothing.

I told her about the Draw-a-thon that I'm gonna go to with Raging Spaniard; she seemed interested. But when I mentioned that one has to pay, she backed out. Hell, with my mother out of town for two weeks and with her saying that she never has nothing to do, it would have been easy (not saying I want to get laid, just to watch a movie or something).

In any case, I could have easily have told her that we should hang out next week; I was juggling it in my head. In the end, I decided to let her go on her merry way. It felt right to ask her to hang out, but I let it go. I kind of feel like I'm still being haunted by the last bad experience with a girl which is what kept me from doing it. Or maybe I'm overanalyzing it. Either way, I'm not crying over it. I think there's a couple of other girls in that class that are interested in me.

 

[MutantCyborg]

I have a quick question and one not so quick.

Do people honestly just get caught up in doing things that they forget(or don't) to text people back? It would never happen to me, but that is just the type of person I am. A girl who I have interest in, and who was showing interest, hasn't text me back from my offer to take her out to dinner Sunday night. She seemed positive in the idea that I would take her out when I got her number and talked for a while later that night. A mutual friend of ours warned me beforehand that she doesn't carry her phone a lot, but I wasn't thinking it was this bad.

I haven't texted her since Saturday night when I asked her, so that makes it three days without contact between us. I was thinking of asking her if she is free anytime this week today or tomorrow, should I just wait for a text back and if I don't get it, forget about her? Should I text her again today?

I ended up texting this girl today and haven't received a response yet, I'm done texting her unless she responds. I'll see her on Monday, should I ask her again then?

Well, still no response from this girl, now I wait for Monday. On top of that something reminded me of my ex and now I'm having stupid thoughts... I'm going to the gym to blow some steam off and make sure I don't do something stupid.

 

[Boozeroony]

Good, thanks (I'm a woman by the way). Now I have another big, maybe harder to answer question...

This is sort of the opposite....say there is someone I like mutually, is there an appropriate time to bring up the fact that I have never been with a guy before, and I mean nothing, not even a kiss or date? To a lot of people I'm sure that's going to be off-putting or weird for my age. Or is this something I completely ignore and just try to go with the flow?

Then there's the touching. I see all this kinowhatever brought up in here and it freaks me out. I know not all guys are the same though. How do I bring up that I'm probably not going to be that comfortable with them right away? Because things with me are probably going to move reeeaaallyyy slow, but I also don't want to scare them off.

I saw someone else post earlier about going out with someone who was 27 and never had a boyfriend and people seem to automatically think they're stuck up or no man is good enough for them, when that's not the case with me.

If the dude is cool, he will have no problems with your lack of experience. Not all guys are that shallow. Hell, it think many guys are more romantic than the want to admit. Just take it slow and don't apologize. Many guys, like girls, enjoy cuddling just like girls. They just don't have the balls the admit it .

 

[Almond]

If its someone that you like, and they like you, and think that a relationship between the two of you may go somewhere, then I think you should be honest with eachother. You don't have to outright tell him that you've never been in a relationship before, but if it comes up in conversation just stay cool and let him know that you haven't been with other people because you like to find people that you are comfortable with (or something to that effect).

And there is nothing wrong with taking things slowly physically. While physical contact is important in a relationship, no guy worth the effort will try and force you to do something you aren't comfortable with yet. Make it clear that you like him, but you want to take it slow to try and make it work. If he likes you back, he'll understand and give you the space you need.

Being in a relationship with someone you care for, and who cares for you, is a wonderful feeling. Good luck to you!

Yeah, I know most of this already. I'm not just going to go along with anything or be forced into anything. It's just bringing it up that I'm not sure about. Thanks.

Haven't got any advice to offer you unfortunately, but if you do get any suggestions I'd be curious to know how they work out. I'm a 34-year-old guy and am in a similar position, i.e. I've never had a girlfriend, and the questions you have posed are very much similar to some of the questions that I'll have once I get into a financial position to actually put positive effort into attempting to get into dating.

Hopefully we get some good advice then and I hope things work out for you too.

Why get scared? You should take it as a compliment. Just politely but confidently decline. If you want to be 'nice' just compliment them back on having the guts to talk to you and wish them luck for the next time they ask someone. Then get back to whatever you were doing. Words don't matter, it's all about your attitude, you should be positive, confident and asssertive.

How do you know it's going to be off-putting? Maybe the guy will wonder if there's something wrong with you or if you're stuck up. Or maybe he will have respect for the fact that you have a modicum of self contol and are not a slut. Ultimately he will judge that relative to all the other information you communicate to him. If you are cool, confident, smart, funny, assertive, intelligent and project that you are cool, confident, smart, funny, assertive, intelligent then that is how people will judge you.

I never thought of taking it as a compliment, I guess I could, but that brings up some other issues. I get scared because I don't know what to do. I don't have any experience with anything like this. I think I should be able to handle the situation better now though.

If you guys mutually like each other, then just be honest about it. Maybe don't bring it up out of the blue, like "Oh by the way, I've never been relationship, soooooo", but if it organically comes up in conversation, just be honest and let him know. Say you really like him but right now you just want to take things a little slow. If the dude's a good dude and he likes you, he'll accept that. If he pushes you or pressures you, he's probably not a good dude. Move at a speed that you are comfortable with.

Okay, thanks. This is probably how I would do it if it ever happens.

How old are you? And there's any reason you haven't?

Usually, it's a bit weird, but nowhere near dealbreaker.

I'm 25. I'm extremely shy and socially awkward. I've never been good at socializing, making friends, etc.

If the dude is cool, he will have no problems with your lack of experience. Not all guys are that shallow. Hell, it think many guys are more romantic than the want to admit. Just take it slow and don't apologize. Many guys, like girls, enjoy cuddling just like girls. They just don't have the balls the admit it .

Well, I don't think I'm going to be that much of a cuddler or anything like that......I like my space and alone time, which is another thing I worry about. I'm afraid I'll come off as distant or not interested.

 

[Mr.City]

I think I'm done with online dating. The women on there just seem to get fatter and fatter. I go on dates and they look 20 lbs larger than their profile pictures suggests, and many of them seem closed and un-fun.

Now, when I say fat, I mean there have a gut that's going. As someone who has been fat his entire life and is dieting down, I can't do this anymore. If I'm putting the effort into controlling my weight and diet, I would like a girl who does the same, and I don't mean weird body image/ eating issues.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

I think I'm done with online dating. The women on there just seem to get fatter and fatter. I go on dates and they look 20 lbs larger than their profile pictures suggests, and many of them seem closed and un-fun.

Now, when I say fat, I mean there have a gut that's going. As someone who has been fat his entire life and is dieting down, I can't do this anymore. If I'm putting the effort into controlling my weight and diet, I would like a girl who does the same, and I don't mean weird body image/ eating issues.

You didn't have a single decent date while online dating?

I wonder how big of a no-no it is to bring that up. "You look nothing like your profile picture, you liar."

 

[RawPower]

I think maybe that's the problem you need to solve rather than how to pick up women at the library. Where do you tend to hang out?

Usually on my community college campus or at basement shows.

 

[Mr.City]

You didn't have a single decent date while online dating?

I wonder how big of a no-no it is to bring that up. "You look nothing like your profile picture, you liar."

I've some go well, some go bad, and some just fizzle after a few dates. It's either that they're attracted to me and want to make out on date 1 or 1, or it goes nowhere. The common thing is that almost all of them are fat.

A lot of it would be me settling and just being horny. I'm still horny but not really wanting to settle. The date I went on Tuesday was good. The girl was really nervous and thought I was cute, so I played off that and made her laugh and relax. We made out in her car, which was pretty nice, but...she, by far, has to be the fattest girl I've ever been on a date with. Her legs felt like swollen sausages. I would like to date women who not above the 150 lb range anymore. This is starting to sound rantish, but all of them are in the process of losing weight, which never really bears any fruit.

 

[Boozeroony]

Yeah, I know most of this already. I'm not just going to go along with anything or be forced into anything. It's just bringing it up that I'm not sure about. Thanks.



Hopefully we get some good advice then and I hope things work out for you too.



I never thought of taking it as a compliment, I guess I could, but that brings up some other issues. I get scared because I don't know what to do. I don't have any experience with anything like this. I think I should be able to handle the situation better now though.




Okay, thanks. This is probably how I would do it if it ever happens.




I'm 25. I'm extremely shy and socially awkward. I've never been good at socializing, making friends, etc.



Well, I don't think I'm going to be that much of a cuddler or anything like that......I like my space and alone time, which is another thing I worry about. I'm afraid I'll come off as distant or not interested.

Tell him how you feel without over-dramatizing. Just have fun together. There is no protocol, unfortunately.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Usually on my community college campus or at basement shows.

That's a great place to meet women! How often do you try to talk to women on campus?

I've some go well, some go bad, and some just fizzle after a few dates. It's either that they're attracted to me and want to make out on date 1 or 1, or it goes nowhere. The common thing is that almost all of them are fat.

A lot of it would be me settling and just being horny. I'm still horny but not really wanting to settle. The date I went on Tuesday was good. The girl was really nervous and thought I was cute, so I played off that and made her laugh and relax. We made out in her car, which was pretty nice, but...she, by far, has to be the fattest girl I've ever been on a date with. Her legs felt like swollen sausages. I would like to date women who not above the 150 lb range anymore. This is starting to sound rantish, but all of them are in the process of losing weight, which never really bears any fruit.

You could take advice from the Barney Stinson playbook: Stick with them while they lose the weight, and they'll be extra grateful when they look good.

 

[luckyboyceo]

She's probably too busy with her work to put much thought in messages. If she's normal in person, don't give it second thoughts.

If she's overwhelmed, maybe she just wants to take a break instead of break up?

Maybe just prepare for the end and meet (the possible) death (of your relationship) head-on. Other than that, I've got nothing. Sorry

Go to the gym, draw (if you like doing that), play some multiplayer of a game (since you're socializing, it should help) or a singleplayer, or get some homework done. I suppose she's coming over to relax, after not having much time to do that so think of it that way. Anticipatory fear is the worst kind of fear to have which is I think you're going through now; you're anticipating bad news, but don't sweat it.

Thanks guys, that helps. I hope you guys are right. I'll be posting later tonight with an update after we talk. I'm hoping that this is just one big over-reaction on my part.

The truth is, this is the first girl I've ever really felt vulnerable with hence my feelings for her, so I think certain things (like my current emotional stress) are emphasized.

I agree, Jipan. Anticipatory fear is awful and that's undoubtedly what I've been having these past few days. Fortunately for me, I have a couple activities I have to do today that can keep my mind off things. Thanks for the positive thoughts.

 

[Etrian Oddity]

Well, I don't think I'm going to be that much of a cuddler or anything like that......I like my space and alone time, which is another thing I worry about. I'm afraid I'll come off as distant or not interested.

Which is a very legit concern.

Even though you should take things slowly if you're uncomfortable with physical contact, you must realize that for any man who isn't asexual, he's going to require it sooner than later.

I myself had to stop seeing a girl (whom I'd seen for several months) because she was too frigid to get comfortable with me. I'm talking too scared to even give me a front hug. And it sucked because I really liked the girl, but no matter how much I told her she could relax and we would take things slowly, she never came around to breaking down her wall.

I know it's scary, but you need to push yourself to get out of your comfort zone and realize that the guy you're seeing isn't going to all of a sudden rape you or think you're a skank if you touch him in a more-than-friendly manner. You can't take forever. I'm not talking grab his junk, but touch his upper arm or something seemingly innocent at first.

 

[HarryHengst]

I've some go well, some go bad, and some just fizzle after a few dates. It's either that they're attracted to me and want to make out on date 1 or 1, or it goes nowhere. The common thing is that almost all of them are fat.

A lot of it would be me settling and just being horny. I'm still horny but not really wanting to settle. The date I went on Tuesday was good. The girl was really nervous and thought I was cute, so I played off that and made her laugh and relax. We made out in her car, which was pretty nice, but...she, by far, has to be the fattest girl I've ever been on a date with. Her legs felt like swollen sausages. I would like to date women who not above the 150 lb range anymore. This is starting to sound rantish, but all of them are in the process of losing weight, which never really bears any fruit.

Get them to join you in the gym, teach them to do all the squats all the time, enjoy their awesome butt and legs.

 

[Danj]

You're 34!? Your avatar makes you look like... 16 :/

Unless that photo was taken when you were 16.

Actually made a slight error there, I'm 33 until my birthday in May. And that picture was taken in December 2011, so no I wasn't 16. Unless you're saying the whole LIKE A SIR thing is what makes it look 16? In which case, there's a thread for that.

 

[Danj]

Damn, man, how much money do you need to go on a date? I've been on a 2-3 dates in the last month or so, and I've spent anywhere from $2 to $5. Do you plan on taking her on to The Ritz?

Well no I'm talking about the bit before that, the bit where you have to go out to places with people in in order to meet people to potentially go on dates with. That definitely costs money (cover charges, drinks, food if you haven't already eaten, taxi fares if the bus services have stopped running due to being after midnight, etc. etc. etc.) which I don't have right now.

 

[Hylian7]

Just got back from the second date with a girl. We had lunch and ice cream afterward, went really well! Apparently she's going to a lake house with her family this weekend, she's going to see if she can invite me.

I know I'm being Captain Hindsight here, but I should have tried to kiss her, she definitely would have gone for it. *kicking self* Oh well, there will obviously be plenty more opportunities with her. I'm not worried.

 

[HarryHengst]

Meeting family after only 2 dates? You are a braver man than i am, good sir. :lol

 

[Boozeroony]

Just got back from the second date with a girl. We had lunch and ice cream afterward, went really well! Apparently she's going to a lake house with her family this weekend, she's going to see if she can invite me.

I know I'm being Captain Hindsight here, but I should have tried to kiss her, she definitely would have gone for it. *kicking self* Oh well, there will obviously be plenty more opportunities with her. I'm not worried.

In there like swim wear.

 

[Hylian7]

Meeting family after only 2 dates? You are a braver man than i am, good sir. :lol

It just kind of came up, who would I be to say no to that really? It somehow came up in conversation that I didn't have anything planned that I was doing this weekend, so she offered to see if she could invite me. There's a lake (obviously), and 4-wheelers to ride, so even if it's not in a bedroom or anything like that, there should be plenty of alone time. I don't really see the downside to this.

 

[Houston3000]

I've some go well, some go bad, and some just fizzle after a few dates. It's either that they're attracted to me and want to make out on date 1 or 1, or it goes nowhere. The common thing is that almost all of them are fat.

A lot of it would be me settling and just being horny. I'm still horny but not really wanting to settle. The date I went on Tuesday was good. The girl was really nervous and thought I was cute, so I played off that and made her laugh and relax. We made out in her car, which was pretty nice, but...she, by far, has to be the fattest girl I've ever been on a date with. Her legs felt like swollen sausages. I would like to date women who not above the 150 lb range anymore. This is starting to sound rantish, but all of them are in the process of losing weight, which never really bears any fruit.

One of the girls I dated last year for about 3 months was a little bit chubby. Thing is she had joined Weight Watchers like two weeks before I met her (which was almost a month before I even considered us a couple). Over the course of those four months she lost considerable weight - I was extraordinarily impressed with her and it was kind of a "thing" when we were dating that she'd tell me how her workout sessions and diet were going, On a negative note, her diet was super annoying to me as she became vegetarian and counted every calorie in her little notebook. She explained to me she kind of struggles with weight fluctuation. Still, she got progressively more attractive and in shape as we dated - which means since she wasn't really fat to begin with she just got super hot.

I ended up breaking it off with her for totally unrelated reasons. Mostly revolving around some very unsettling personal issues she had (took medication, depression, suicidal even at points apparently), wouldn't drink alcohol, plus our interests didn't mesh too well. The point still stands though, chicks go through weight fluctuation - especially around their 20s when they're stressing over college and the beginning of their careers.

All that being said, 85% of my dates from online dating have average, fit, or outright skinny. There was only one girl I went out with who was overweight. I do get a lot of messages from chubby girls though, I just don't usually respond unless I'm attracted to them for other reasons.

 

[Mr.City]

One of the girls I dated last year for about 3 months was a little bit chubby. Thing is she had joined Weight Watchers like two weeks before I met her (which was almost a month before I even considered us a couple). Over the course of those four months she lost considerable weight - I was extraordinarily impressed with her and it was kind of a "thing" when we were dating that she'd tell me how her workout sessions and diet were going, On a negative note, her diet was super annoying to me as she became vegetarian and counted every calorie in her little notebook. She explained to me she kind of struggles with weight fluctuation. Still, she got progressively more attractive and in shape as we dated - which means since she wasn't really fat to begin with she just got super hot.

I ended up breaking it off with her for totally unrelated reasons. Mostly revolving around some very unsettling personal issues she had (took medication, depression, suicidal even at points apparently), wouldn't drink alcohol, plus our interests didn't mesh too well. The point still stands though, chicks go through weight fluctuation - especially around their 20s when they're stressing over college and the beginning of their careers.

All that being said, 85% of my dates from online dating have average, fit, or outright skinny. There was only one girl I went out with who was overweight. I do get a lot of messages from chubby girls though, I just don't usually respond unless I'm attracted to them for other reasons.

Looking back at what I wrote, I didn't compose it very well. Most of them are "on a diet," however the weight never seems to come off, or if they were in the process of losing a bunch before, it seems to stall when we start dating. I don't have much trust and faith in a woman who says she in the midst of losing weight because it never seems to go anywhere. I've dated some of these women for over a year, and nothing changed. Not to sound elitism, but in less than year, I've gone down from 285 to about 235.

Plus, I find it weird that I date a woman in the hopes of her losing weight one day. It's more an issue of me not setting for any woman who shows me sexual attention.


What's wrong with not drinking alcohol though?

 

[Cubsfan23]

Looking for a bit of help in some positive thinking here.

The girl I've been with for a little while now (2 months) is coming over tonight to "chat." She's been overwhelmed with work/school lately and I've noticed a clear change in her behavior towards me, albeit during texting, not in person.

I've kind of been panicking lately cause her behavior has just been really off (texting me one word responses, not texting me at all, etc.), and it's been starting to take a toll on me, cause honestly, I really like her. Though we hung out Saturday night and things were totally normal.

Any positive thoughts/advice to get my mind out of the dump would be very much appreciated. I'm trying to go into this "chat" as confident as I can, and I know I won't be able to in my current mindset. Thanks in advance.

Assume the "chat" is really her coming over to say that she wants to make up for her behavior lately with sex all night. Visualize it.

 

[luckyboyceo]

Assume the "chat" is really her coming over to say that she wants to make up for her behavior lately with sex all night. Visualize it.

I was hoping you'd respond. Thanks, Brent.

 

[Minamu]

Actually made a slight error there, I'm 33 until my birthday in May. And that picture was taken in December 2011, so no I wasn't 16. Unless you're saying the whole LIKE A SIR thing is what makes it look 16? In which case, there's a thread for that.

Got any other pictures of you? A new set of clothes, a new haircut, maybe try out some contact lenses, working out at the gym, lose some weight (or gain), these are all things that can make someone feel like a brand new person, which can result in a massive confidence boost, if one needs one of those, that is. Not looking like 33/34 is rarely a bad thing though, if you work with it and own it.

I was hoping you'd respond. Thanks, Brent.

Sometimes I wish gaf had a like button just like facebook :lol

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Got any other pictures of you? A new set of clothes, a new haircut, maybe try out some contact lenses, working out at the gym, lose some weight (or gain), these are all things that can make someone feel like a brand new person, which can result in a massive confidence boost, if one needs one of those, that is. Not looking like 33/34 is rarely a bad thing though, if you work with it and own it.

This is true!

Sometimes I wish gaf had a like button just like facebook :lol

It would be anarchy, my Swedish friend. Pure anarchy.

 

[RawPower]

I think the only thing holding me back now is the fact that most if not all of the girls I'm attracted to just aren't into punk dudes. For as much as some people might want to tell me to "grow up and get a real hobby dude, you dress like a 16 year old, etc", it's just not that simple. It's all a central part of who I am, it's what makes me feel like an individual. Is this bad? Because I honestly don't know what I should do about this.

 

[Xun]

I think the only thing holding me back now is the fact that most if not all of the girls I'm attracted to just aren't into punk dudes. For as much as some people might want to tell me to "grow up and get a real hobby dude, you dress like a 16 year old, etc", it's just not that simple. It's all a central part of who I am, it's what makes me feel like an individual. Is this bad? Because I honestly don't know what I should do about this.

It may be but you can tweak how you look for the better, whilst still retaining your image.

There's a lot of ways you can go about it.

 

[FelixOrion]

I think the only thing holding me back now is the fact that most if not all of the girls I'm attracted to just aren't into punk dudes. For as much as some people might want to tell me to "grow up and get a real hobby dude, you dress like a 16 year old, etc", it's just not that simple. It's all a central part of who I am, it's what makes me feel like an individual. Is this bad? Because I honestly don't know what I should do about this.

Is there a way to perhaps "update" the punk look? I'm not very fashion savvy but that would be the way to go, imho. I'm a metalhead, so I kinda get where you're coming from.

 

[Almond]

Which is a very legit concern.

Even though you should take things slowly if you're uncomfortable with physical contact, you must realize that for any man who isn't asexual, he's going to require it sooner than later.

I myself had to stop seeing a girl (whom I'd seen for several months) because she was too frigid to get comfortable with me. I'm talking too scared to even give me a front hug. And it sucked because I really liked the girl, but no matter how much I told her she could relax and we would take things slowly, she never came around to breaking down her wall.

I know it's scary, but you need to push yourself to get out of your comfort zone and realize that the guy you're seeing isn't going to all of a sudden rape you or think you're a skank if you touch him in a more-than-friendly manner. You can't take forever. I'm not talking grab his junk, but touch his upper arm or something seemingly innocent at first.

I want physical contact just as much as anyone else, I'm not asexual. I just don't want the person to expect much from the first few dates, if it ever happens of course. I doubt it would take me that long to feel comfortable enough as the situation you mentioned. It just feels like there's so many factors against me, and not just the ones I mentioned.



Thanks for the advice everyone.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

I think the only thing holding me back now is the fact that most if not all of the girls I'm attracted to just aren't into punk dudes. For as much as some people might want to tell me to "grow up and get a real hobby dude, you dress like a 16 year old, etc", it's just not that simple. It's all a central part of who I am, it's what makes me feel like an individual. Is this bad? Because I honestly don't know what I should do about this.

Try a subtler punk look?

Actually, I need you to define 'punk' for me, cause I'm a bit unsure of what you're actual style is. Leather vests or something?

 

[rataplein]

I think the only thing holding me back now is the fact that most if not all of the girls I'm attracted to just aren't into punk dudes. For as much as some people might want to tell me to "grow up and get a real hobby dude, you dress like a 16 year old, etc", it's just not that simple. It's all a central part of who I am, it's what makes me feel like an individual. Is this bad? Because I honestly don't know what I should do about this.

dude, i don't post too much here, and i don't really know you, so it may sound creepy, but:

it's no the first time a read one of your post just remarking that you are a punk and whatnot. and i also read another guy post about you in the ny meeting (i think) and he told that, for example, you were in bad physical shape (got tired of simply walking fast) and looked nervous (i know, because of your autism). also you sported some neckbeard or whatever.

so i'm just asking you: are you sure that those the girls are not into you because of the punk stuff?. because it sounds that you are blaming that, and then, at the same time saying that punk is part of you and you don't want to change it.
so instead of facing your other issues, you just "cover" behind (and blame) the punk stuff.

 

[AdventureRacing]

Usually on my community college campus or at basement shows.

Where do you hang out at the community college campus? I find it hard to believe there wouldn't be any women there.

 

[RawPower]

Try a subtler punk look?

Actually, I need you to define 'punk' for me, cause I'm a bit unsure of what you're actual style is. Leather vests or something?

Usually band t-shirts, torn vests with buttons and patches on them, long hair (though I'm cutting it soon) and some of the pairs of shorts I have are cut-offs. I like to grow my beard out sometimes, but I usually end up shaving it before it gets too big (read: uncomfortable). I don't even know what people mean by "neck beard". Is it fashionable to have a beard without any of the hair on your neck?

dude, i don't post too much here, and i don't really know you, so it may sound creepy, but:

it's no the first time a read one of your post just remarking that you are a punk and whatnot. and i also read another guy post about you in the ny meeting (i think) and he told that, for example, you were in bad physical shape (got tired of simply walking fast) and looked nervous (i know, because of your autism). also you sported some neckbeard or whatever.

so i'm just asking you: are you sure that those the girls are not into you because of the punk stuff?. because it sounds that you are blaming that, and then, at the same time saying that punk is part of you and you don't want to change it.
so instead of facing your other issues, you just "cover" behind (and blame) the punk stuff.

Well no, I don't think my fashion sense is the only reason. I'd say it's probably a combination of that and everything else, when taken as a whole, that scares women off.

We had been walking around NYC for at least an hour or two before we sat down at the restaurant. I had already been worn out by that point, especially considering I came up from NJ. It was an expenditure of energy that I wasn't quite used to at the time. Since then, I've been working out incessantly and I'm in much better physical shape.

And when meeting new people, I usually let them know right out of the gate that I have autism. I feel like this helps me minimize the possibility of scaring them off. I recognize that I'm not the kind of person that somebody will "get" right away (if they ever do), and I'm sure this is probably very off-putting to most of the women I meet (unless they like "mysterious" guys I suppose). Besides that, and taking the medication I've already been on for years now, I don't know what else I can do about it.

 

[AdventureRacing]

I don't think you have to come right out and say you have autism straight away. If anything i think that is more likely to scare them off (most people don't understand even the most basic mental health problems). That's probably something you should bring up once you know someone a little more.

 

[RawPower]

I don't think you have to come right out and say you have autism straight away. If anything i think that is more likely to scare them off (most people don't understand even the most basic mental health problems). That's probably something you should bring up once you know someone a little more.

Well that's the thing. If I don't make it clear early on that I have mental disorders, they might just assume I'm literally crazy or unhinged and run off. First impressions and all that.

 

[FelixOrion]

Usually band t-shirts, torn vests with buttons and patches on them, long hair (though I'm cutting it soon) and some of the pairs of shorts I have are cut-offs. I like to grow my beard out sometimes, but I usually end up shaving it before it gets too big (read: uncomfortable). I don't even know what people mean by "neck beard". Is it fashionable to have a beard without any of the hair on your neck?

Not that it's fashionable, but a "neck beard" is unfashionable. Letting the hair grow on your neck implies poor grooming habits. Look at guys that grow "classy" beards, they keep the hair trimmed on the neck. The only time I think it would fly is if you have a ZZ Top beard because you can't see/discern it.

I don't let the majority of my beard within maybe 1-2 inches of the Adam's apple.

This is a "neckbeard", for reference:

Ideally, this would be a proper cut (basically, follow the jaw, more or less):

http://www.beards.org/neck.php

 

[luckyboyceo]

Update on my situation. The girl and I had our "chat" tonight and it went remarkably well.

As I said earlier, she's been really stressed with work/school and she was beginning to think she might not be able to maintain a relationship through it all. I told her it was something I was willing to work through and she seemed very receptive to that idea. So yeah, we're going to continue to see each other. Crisis adverted.

Thanks to those of you who helped me stay positive earlier. I really think that was the key. Had I gone into that conversation with the wrong mindset, it would've been a disaster. Thanks guys.

 

[grumble]

I want physical contact just as much as anyone else, I'm not asexual. I just don't want the person to expect much from the first few dates, if it ever happens of course. I doubt it would take me that long to feel comfortable enough as the situation you mentioned. It just feels like there's so many factors against me, and not just the ones I mentioned.



Thanks for the advice everyone.

Honestly, there are a lot of guys who would be really happy to meet a girl who hasn't been promiscuous. Have to balance that against what guys need, which is sexual attention, but going a bit slow often leads into stronger relationships in the end anyways. For example, I personally prefer to date girls for a few dates before we get past the kissing stage if I consider them relationship material, though I do want to get some action.

Don't stall for no reason, but don't feel pressured into moving faster than you can handle. Sexual activity is a lot of fun though!

Best of luck.

 

[AdventureRacing]

Well that's the thing. If I don't make it clear early on that I have mental disorders, they might just assume I'm literally crazy or unhinged and run off. First impressions and all that.

But i think by coming straight out and saying you have autism you are automatically skewing their first impression of you. Basically they are either going to like your personality or they won't, knowing that you have autism won't change that. All it will do is instantly turn off some people who don't really understand it.

I'm not saying you should hide it or anything but usually with things like that there is no reason to rush in and say it. It's not even something you should be thinking about when you first start talking to someone.

That's just my take on it anyway.

 

[Houston3000]

Looking back at what I wrote, I didn't compose it very well. Most of them are "on a diet," however the weight never seems to come off, or if they were in the process of losing a bunch before, it seems to stall when we start dating. I don't have much trust and faith in a woman who says she in the midst of losing weight because it never seems to go anywhere. I've dated some of these women for over a year, and nothing changed. Not to sound elitism, but in less than year, I've gone down from 285 to about 235.

Plus, I find it weird that I date a woman in the hopes of her losing weight one day. It's more an issue of me not setting for any woman who shows me sexual attention.

What's wrong with not drinking alcohol though?

Yeah... I'm not really judging, I have standards myself. I go to the gym 4 days a week and weigh 165 (more or less, I haven't measured since putting on some muscle) at 5'11" - I'm still not in the best shape but I enjoy a woman who is at least not completely out of control.

As for not drinking alcohol, it's not an deal-breaker for me but among the other issues it was just something else we didn't share in common, considering I do drink relatively regularly.

 

[Timedog]

Meeting the family over webcam was interesting.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Meeting the family over webcam was interesting.

How'd that go? Were Devo's family aware of your 'legendary hero' status and in awe?

Or did the see the photo of you in the pink hot pants and were like "uhhhhh"

 

[hawkshockey11]

Wow apparently my ex is becoming quite the player around campus. She brings home a different guy every weekend.

I have no problem with that but her friends there do and they are begging me to talk some sense into her or something... See the problem is that the guys are not aware that she is having sex with them casually and some of them literally want to marry her. Why the hell do I have to worry about this shit...

 

[Vesmir]

Why the hell do I have to worry about this shit...

You don't. You owe her nothing, you are not her caretaker, and you are not affiliated with her in any way. What she does is her business, and if others are trying to make it yours, tell them otherwise.

 

[AdventureRacing]

Wow apparently my ex is becoming quite the player around campus. She brings home a different guy every weekend.

I have no problem with that but her friends there do and they are begging me to talk some sense into her or something... See the problem is that the guys are not aware that she is having sex with them casually and some of them literally want to marry her. Why the hell do I have to worry about this shit...

You don't. If they're her friends why the hell don't they talk some sense into her? It's not your problem and it's obviously something an ex shouldn't really be involved with.

 

[Neki]

Wow apparently my ex is becoming quite the player around campus. She brings home a different guy every weekend.

I have no problem with that but her friends there do and they are begging me to talk some sense into her or something... See the problem is that the guys are not aware that she is having sex with them casually and some of them literally want to marry her. Why the hell do I have to worry about this shit...

Why is this your problem again? Unless you guys are actually close friends, why would they ask you?

 

[HarryHengst]

Wow apparently my ex is becoming quite the player around campus. She brings home a different guy every weekend.

I have no problem with that but her friends there do and they are begging me to talk some sense into her or something... See the problem is that the guys are not aware that she is having sex with them casually and some of them literally want to marry her. Why the hell do I have to worry about this shit...

She has awesome friends if they are too scared to talk to her themselves and try and force the problem on you.

 

[brian]

That's kind of ridiculous that they expect you of all people to step in and do something about it.

"You have to stop her! She's having sex with EVERYONE"

"...."

 

[Xun]

I've been out of college for a few years. College was definitely easier (well, the first two years for me, I kind of blew the second half in regard to girls) but it's never been hard for me to at least meet women in social settings. If you have a large social circle you should be in like Flynn... however if you only have a couple friends or even if you're sort of a loner at this point it's still not too bad.

What you need to realize is that the only reason it's easy to meet people in college is because you're paying money to put yourself in the center of thousands of other people who are your age and even large groups of people with similar (academic) interests. Think of other places that could potentially serve that same crowd and attend attend attend. Bars, clubs, coffee shops, bookstores, parks, hell... if you're really into it just pay some money and take some more college classes (nothing is actually stopping you after you get a degree). I've actually seriously debated taking courses at the local colleges like NYU or something just to meet new people - since I'm so busy with work though and don't want to spend that much money I've instead used some of the previous mentioned methods, I joined a local gym, etc.

My social/dating life has been TONS better out of college than during. I am very introverted, and it didn't help that the classes I took in college dealt mostly with programming (sausage fest). I didn't go out of my way to meet new people, and the few friends I made were pretty reserved like myself.

I've been out of college for about almost 4 years now. When I graduated, I took on a job as a consultant. This forced me to interact with tons of people (coworkers, clients, etc.). Networking and meeting new people will definitely improve your social/dating life. I used to cringe anytime I would have to meet someone new, but now I look forward to meeting new people.

I think the problem I had the most in college was that I was content with being a loner. You really have to put yourself out there if you want to gain a social/dating life. Sure, you'll probably get a rejected a lot by girls (I have), but I can tell you that it's a lot more satisfying than wondering "What would have happened if I approached her?"

Thanks for the input guys.

Hopefully I'll get the chance to socialise properly in life.

 

[LosDaddie]

I want physical contact just as much as anyone else, I'm not asexual. I just don't want the person to expect much from the first few dates, if it ever happens of course. I doubt it would take me that long to feel comfortable enough as the situation you mentioned. It just feels like there's so many factors against me, and not just the ones I mentioned..

As a girl, there are 2 things you should always keep in mind when dating:
1. Every guy is trying to have sex with you. Never doubt this. Sure, they may like you and want to get to know you better, but they are definitely trying to sleep with you.

2. You're the female and have the power. I mean, just read this thread. You'll understand what I mean. Now, this doesn't mean you can control, or change the guy into something he's not, but females have more "power" in a relationship than most realize.

Wow apparently my ex is becoming quite the player around campus. She brings home a different guy every weekend. ..

I wouldn't call that being a "player", though. :lol
And honestly, why are you keeping such close tabs on your ex?