Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
- Status
i miss her
You should like, tweet her or whatever is cool nowadays.
Promise them flowers, women love flowers.
:lol omg
Dating-GAF,
I need your help. I'm pretty much just a lurker on NeoGAF, I never really post much, but after this past weekend I'm looking for sound advice anywhere I can get it.
My girlfriend of about five months broke up with me on Friday. Honestly it took me by quite a surprise, but really it's not terribly surprising if I look back on the entire thing.
You see, the thing that did it in for her was that sometimes, actually most times, at parties at her house I would end up drinking way too much and getting emotionally unstable, always winding up with me sobbing in her bed about how I wasn't good enough and that I should just dump her so she could be better off, etc.
She'd talked to me about how serious this was to her before, and that it was something she really couldn't keep handling, but wouldn't you know I went and did it again last weekend. I was so out of it I even puked in her bed because I was unable to get out of it. She said all these times accumulated in her head and between the stress and the fact that it makes me unattractive to her, she was done.
When I managed my drinking, like going out to bars or what have you, I was fine. Even at other peoples parties where I didn't have access to all my booze I was fine. For some reason at larger parties though I'd just lose track and consume way too much in way too little time.
But what kills me the most is that she told me point blank that outside of that thing, I was the most amazing boyfriend/person she'd like ever been with, which is why it was such a hard decision for her to make in the first place. And frankly, I treated her like a princess whenever humanly possible and was a genuinely great boyfriend. And when things were good they were utterly amazing and wonderful.
Had I taken actions to fix this sooner, I'd still be with her. I kept saying I would do better or stop but I never did. I made the mistake of thinking I could do it on my own or just like...will myself to stop doing it.
I've already set up a meeting with a psychologist I had seen a few times at the beginning of the year for this Wednesday and I'm giving away all the beer I have at the moment and not drinking anymore than like...two or three beers at a given time, but I'm just dying over the fact that I wouldn't take all these steps I'm taking to get a handle on things until after I lost this truly incredible woman.
The split wasn't mean spirited and there aren't any hard feelings or anything. But between the stress of school and all that and this, she just couldn't handle it all, and I certainly don't blame her. But God, I want a second chance so badly, because I know I'd do better. And I'm not trying to change myself for her at this point, this is something either way I have to do, because this insecurity issue has haunted me for a long long long time. I have improved a lot since my younger days, but at the same time the booze is obviously bringing out something that is still there and still a problem.
I'm kind of rambling at this point, but I just need as many outlets to talk to people as possible. I'm half afraid of sleeping because I know I'll dream about her (which I in fact did the first night after the breakup) so I'm exhausted, and I'm horrified at the thought of staying at my place because I live alone and that's the worst thing for me, so I'm staying at my parents for awhile.
I also know that I have to give her space and not bother her, but so much of me just wants to tell her how much I miss her and beg for her back, which is absolutely the worst possible thing. I just need help, guys.
I need your help. I'm pretty much just a lurker on NeoGAF, I never really post much, but after this past weekend I'm looking for sound advice anywhere I can get it.
My girlfriend of about five months broke up with me on Friday. Honestly it took me by quite a surprise, but really it's not terribly surprising if I look back on the entire thing.
You see, the thing that did it in for her was that sometimes, actually most times, at parties at her house I would end up drinking way too much and getting emotionally unstable, always winding up with me sobbing in her bed about how I wasn't good enough and that I should just dump her so she could be better off, etc.
She'd talked to me about how serious this was to her before, and that it was something she really couldn't keep handling, but wouldn't you know I went and did it again last weekend. I was so out of it I even puked in her bed because I was unable to get out of it. She said all these times accumulated in her head and between the stress and the fact that it makes me unattractive to her, she was done.
When I managed my drinking, like going out to bars or what have you, I was fine. Even at other peoples parties where I didn't have access to all my booze I was fine. For some reason at larger parties though I'd just lose track and consume way too much in way too little time.
But what kills me the most is that she told me point blank that outside of that thing, I was the most amazing boyfriend/person she'd like ever been with, which is why it was such a hard decision for her to make in the first place. And frankly, I treated her like a princess whenever humanly possible and was a genuinely great boyfriend. And when things were good they were utterly amazing and wonderful.
Had I taken actions to fix this sooner, I'd still be with her. I kept saying I would do better or stop but I never did. I made the mistake of thinking I could do it on my own or just like...will myself to stop doing it.
I've already set up a meeting with a psychologist I had seen a few times at the beginning of the year for this Wednesday and I'm giving away all the beer I have at the moment and not drinking anymore than like...two or three beers at a given time, but I'm just dying over the fact that I wouldn't take all these steps I'm taking to get a handle on things until after I lost this truly incredible woman.
The split wasn't mean spirited and there aren't any hard feelings or anything. But between the stress of school and all that and this, she just couldn't handle it all, and I certainly don't blame her. But God, I want a second chance so badly, because I know I'd do better. And I'm not trying to change myself for her at this point, this is something either way I have to do, because this insecurity issue has haunted me for a long long long time. I have improved a lot since my younger days, but at the same time the booze is obviously bringing out something that is still there and still a problem.
I'm kind of rambling at this point, but I just need as many outlets to talk to people as possible. I'm half afraid of sleeping because I know I'll dream about her (which I in fact did the first night after the breakup) so I'm exhausted, and I'm horrified at the thought of staying at my place because I live alone and that's the worst thing for me, so I'm staying at my parents for awhile.
I also know that I have to give her space and not bother her, but so much of me just wants to tell her how much I miss her and beg for her back, which is absolutely the worst possible thing. I just need help, guys.
AdventureRacing
Member
Hmm so my ex started to message me again tonight and i'm not quite sure what to make of it. On the bright side it looks like i might finally get to see my pet cat again which would be nice.
Agreed.
I don't see why people are so dead set on finding a girl who plays games personally.
True.That's good, because that's what you areEveryone can be or is an extrovert, they just don't know it. You better believe it.
I just feel stuck as an introvert due to my friends and anxiety.
I just wish I had friends who were up for going out like this, since it would help me open up more.I just got home. Had a great time even though my usual buddy stayed at home. Another really close friend recently turned single so he went out with me for basically the first time (and the club was new to him as well). We danced for almost three hours and had a blast. The older lady I danced with another time was there and we did some ass grinding before her guy friends decided to intervene. Do I care? Not in the slightest. Not six months ago, I would've been bothered by the "lack of success" but not anymore. Every single night out, and every day, shows steady progress. It was also very hilarious to see two one night stands fighting over my attention with grinding and making out with random dudes in front of me to get me jealous xD
Did you go out tonight Xun?
And sadly I didn't go out, but ah well. :/
The Anti-Monitor
Banned
Guys want a girl who likes games because she's far less likely to criticise them for it, she'd be up for co-op games and therefore they could do couple stuff and gaming at the same time, and because if they have that in common it's likely they have a lot more.
Zomba13
Member
I'd like a girl into games because it's an interest we both share. Games are my biggest hobby/interest.
It's the same as people who are really into their books wanting to find someone also really into their books so they can share and discuss their interest in books.
I don't see why an interest in video games is any different.
Yes, figuratively
Having an invisible sign on your chest that always tells the world what your mood and thoughts are, could help with your vibe 
As an outsider, seems to me like a perfect opportunity to change that by going out to meet new people (with that as the only goal of the evening). In fact, you don't have to go clubbing to do something like that
The Anti-Monitor
Banned
I'm just saying why it seems to be the case guys so often ask specifically for girls who are into games.
Well,
Sounds like you have two issues:
1. An alcohol problem. You can't handle your booze or moderate your drinking. Throwing up in someone's bed is pretty crappy. I'd stop drinking more than two beers a night EVER. Bars also serve non-alcoholic drinks.
2. Seriously messed up feeling for this girls which come out when you drink. Women don't like it when a guy isn't confident and doesn't think he's worth dating, generally don't like it when a guy is sobbing on their bed and don't like a guy who can't handle himself when he knows he needs to stop something.
If I were you I'd seriously analyze your confidence issues and think about whether or not you're ready to have a relationship. I'm sure you're a great guy, but there's something at the back of your head you need to figure out.
I'd do what is usually recommended in these situations and work on yourself for a while. Get a few more interests, start exercising, get out of the house, dress well etc so you can feel good on your own terms. Then a girlfriend will come naturally.
As for this one, you're pretty screwed. One thing most women find an extreme turnoff from what I can tell is a guy who's whining about how he's pathetic and unworthy of their time, crying and moaning. You can go to her, tell her you think she was right to get upset about those antics and that you've quit drinking excessively, thrown out your booze and won't drink that much again ever, regardless of peer pressure because you're not happy with your behaviour. It might work, but if it does then you need to man up and work on your confidence.
It it doesn't the first time, move on.
Yeah.As an outsider, seems to me like a perfect opportunity to change that by going out to meet new people (with that as the only goal of the evening). In fact, you don't have to go clubbing to do something like that
That's actually one of my main goals at the moment.
I'd like to meet whoever, but preferably guys and girls who are my age or a bit younger.
diamondstar
Member
Yea man I feel you. One thing that I realized I will suck at is the dating part. I have never really done the traditional "meet a stranger and figure each other out" thing. I met my fiancé at work and we just "clicked" I guess.
Secondly, I realize I am so behind in the dating game. I met my fiancé pre-myspace. So I have no idea what everyone is doing these days when it comes to dating.
I guess my best plan is to just focus on my life and just let the females come when they do. That is how I met my fiancé. But yea this dating shit is pretty terrifying at the moment.
diamondstar
Member
More info please...
I am, but I have doubts about the industry I'm about to enter.Expanding your friends circuit and doing things outside of the current comfort zone should always be a top priority imho
It's the biggest reason I've been unemployed for nearly a year after college...
Thank you lol
hawkshockey11
Banned
Yup, hopefully won't be too weird being a year older than most. It is for a school I didn't attend but know a ton of people in.
diamondstar
Member
Next issue. I really don't know where I "fit in". And by that I mean I have no idea what type of girls are attracted to me. I am black but feel I like too many "white things" to attract black girls but by being black I see the girls I do like have the whole "I only like white guys" attitude.
Is interracial dating still hard to accomplish? Any tips in regard to that?
Is interracial dating still hard to accomplish? Any tips in regard to that?
I know what that's like! After school, I had no idea if I dared to take such giant steps towards deciding a profession for myself and it took many years before I had the balls to make a decision of any kind. Of course, my social life, what little I had, slowly but surely died out essentially completely. But I've turned everything around ^^ There's no reason why someone else can't do the very same thing.
Depending on where you live, interracial dating is easier. I've only dated white girls, and 90% of the girls who have shown attraction for me have been white as well.
Don't constrain yourself to an ethnicity if you don't want to, everything is kosher.
Is it ever a good idea to go to bars/discos when you're in a bad mood?
Because I'm in a sad mood right now, but maybe my gf and her friends can cheer me up.
Actually I'm not going. Ever since this morning when she said, that she don't believe a relationship can last when she goes to our neighboring country to work, have I been wondering, why we are even together in the first place then, if she don't think it can work later on. Kinda took me off-guard. =/
Because I'm in a sad mood right now, but maybe my gf and her friends can cheer me up.
Actually I'm not going. Ever since this morning when she said, that she don't believe a relationship can last when she goes to our neighboring country to work, have I been wondering, why we are even together in the first place then, if she don't think it can work later on. Kinda took me off-guard. =/
As long as your mood doesn't have a negative impact on others, why not? I'm usually not in a party mode until I actually get there. I believe you ask valid questions about your relationship, but you're also over thinking it a whole lot. This sad mood of yours, it doesn't serve you well. Try harder to just have fun. The kind of fun you want to have.
luckyboyceo
Member
Grumble made a fantastic post a few posts up outlining your situation, but I'd also like to echo a couple of his points.
As much as this situation sucks, sometimes it takes something like this to help put into perspective our own issues. Had she not split with you, you'd still be crying/moping to her and other girlfriends in the future. Now, you can diagnose this problem and start working on ways to change it, whether that be cutting back on alcohol or seeing a psychiatrist.
You're right about giving her her space. Begging her to take you back is only going to reinforce the thoughts she has about you right now. Any attempt to try and change her mind is only going to postpone the healing process.
It's natural to grieve your loss for a few days, but after that start moving on with your life and start working towards fixing the things that you need to fix. I wish you the best, you'll make it through this.
Devolution
Member
She worded it funny but she's right, girls with the video game hobby are less likely to look down on men who do. A lot of women out there see it as a giant red flag.
Vermillion
Banned
There's truth to that. As it stands now, any sort of video game is paused when a girl comes by the room because it's unlikely to help anything.
That and it's easier to talk to them, I suppose.
Yea, I really am trying to challenge my own fears and whatnot and just let go. I went out with my gf anyway.
Hey, I need your help.
I've been pretty much a loser throughout high school, so I never got a date. Finally, I went out with this girl to the movies on Sunday and had a good time, and she was mentioning things about next time, so I think she did too. My question is, is it alright to go to the movies again as a second date, and when should I text her if I want to plan it for next weekend?
I've been pretty much a loser throughout high school, so I never got a date. Finally, I went out with this girl to the movies on Sunday and had a good time, and she was mentioning things about next time, so I think she did too. My question is, is it alright to go to the movies again as a second date, and when should I text her if I want to plan it for next weekend?
Vermillion
Banned
I don't think it's a horrible idea, but I wouldn't suggest it. It may be more interesting for the both of you if you mixed it up a bit, or added something else into the mix. One thing you should be trying to do is see how you work in different environments.
And you can text her as soon as you have planned out the next weekend.
movies aren't very good. you don't get to talk. and if you're on a second date you may not be confident / comfortable enough to touch etc.
i think lunch and then hanging out (walking around shops / grabbing a coffee) is typically a good gauge of how well you get along.
No, keep it fresh. Go to lunch and to a park or beach or something for a walk. Make it more intimate and get to know each other more. Or even go out drinking!
CAW
Member
I've been seeing this woman for about two months now. She's much younger then me. I'm 31 and she's 21. For the most part she's mature, has a full time job, planning to go to school in Aug for nursing, etc.
She just recently started talking and hanging out with some old friends of hers. Guy friends. Guy friends who I'm pretty sure have a thing for her just from the way she describes them and how they are. She's said that "It's OK to be jealous, but you don't have to be. Just because they have a thing for me, doesn't mean I have a thing for them" because I mentioned something about it, saying I have no issues with her having guy friends but I think a couple of them have a thing for her.
Just looking for some thoughts on 'guy friends'. Can men and women really be friends? I'm not jealous that she has guy friends, and I'm happy that she's met some old friends and has hung out with them again, and I don't even know if this is going to turn into a common thing or not but I know one has already told her he "misses her". I've told her I'd like to meet these guys one day, so maybe if they plan to go out next time I'll ask to go. I don't even know if she's told them about me, I guess I could ask, I just don't want to always bring it up when I see her. I joke with her about "oh, you texting with your boyfriends" because she's definitely a texter. Her and I used to text so much and now we don't as much which is good cause I wanted to stop texting each other as much as we do, but now I just feel she's not texting me because she's texting the fucking backstreet boys.
I'm definitely not a guy to try to control a woman and tell her who she can and can't see, but I'm just trying to adjust to the situation. I've never seen or dating a woman who has had so many guy friends, and again I don't know if this will be a permanent thing or not, but it's here right now so I'm trying to handle it as best as possible. I really thing I should meet them but I don't want to seem too forward. I mentioned it in a text saying "maybe one day we can all go out together" and she replied "yes, for sure!". So I'd like to leave it at that but I don't know, that's why I'm here asking GAF!
I should note that she's always been honest with me. Her girlfriend asked her to go to a stag and doe with her and she asked me if i'd mind, which I thought was kind of weird. I said, no of course not. The guys were there, which she told me and she called me the next morning to tell me about how it went. She had a good time and was telling me about it.
I think meeting them would be a good idea? Let them know who I am perhaps?
She just recently started talking and hanging out with some old friends of hers. Guy friends. Guy friends who I'm pretty sure have a thing for her just from the way she describes them and how they are. She's said that "It's OK to be jealous, but you don't have to be. Just because they have a thing for me, doesn't mean I have a thing for them" because I mentioned something about it, saying I have no issues with her having guy friends but I think a couple of them have a thing for her.
Just looking for some thoughts on 'guy friends'. Can men and women really be friends? I'm not jealous that she has guy friends, and I'm happy that she's met some old friends and has hung out with them again, and I don't even know if this is going to turn into a common thing or not but I know one has already told her he "misses her". I've told her I'd like to meet these guys one day, so maybe if they plan to go out next time I'll ask to go. I don't even know if she's told them about me, I guess I could ask, I just don't want to always bring it up when I see her. I joke with her about "oh, you texting with your boyfriends" because she's definitely a texter. Her and I used to text so much and now we don't as much which is good cause I wanted to stop texting each other as much as we do, but now I just feel she's not texting me because she's texting the fucking backstreet boys.
I'm definitely not a guy to try to control a woman and tell her who she can and can't see, but I'm just trying to adjust to the situation. I've never seen or dating a woman who has had so many guy friends, and again I don't know if this will be a permanent thing or not, but it's here right now so I'm trying to handle it as best as possible. I really thing I should meet them but I don't want to seem too forward. I mentioned it in a text saying "maybe one day we can all go out together" and she replied "yes, for sure!". So I'd like to leave it at that but I don't know, that's why I'm here asking GAF!
I should note that she's always been honest with me. Her girlfriend asked her to go to a stag and doe with her and she asked me if i'd mind, which I thought was kind of weird. I said, no of course not. The guys were there, which she told me and she called me the next morning to tell me about how it went. She had a good time and was telling me about it.
I think meeting them would be a good idea? Let them know who I am perhaps?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA
Kinda sums up why you feel the way you do and why she feels the way she does. Either way, keep your eyes open.
What do one do, when ones ex-girlfriend keeps sending bad messages? I blocked her from Skype and got the chance to block her from Facebook as well. But then she creates new Facebook accounts with other identities and try to add me. I had blocked her from my Gmail but she seems to still be able to send me mails. She keep miscalling my phone and sending me SMS messages, and I'm not fond of getting a new number as a whole lot of important contacts (and work places who have gotten my job applications) have my current number. I keep ignoring her, but do any of you guys have any experience with this? Because I hope she'll eventually stop contacting me at all.
On another note, my girlfriend told me a guy is disappointed at her because he want her as a girlfriend (he told her on SMS, and I think it's creepy) and have feelings for her. I think she's awesome, also for telling me, and she is really impressed that I'm not jealous at all and don't read her messages or ask her for passwords etc (her ex wanted to know everything). I have found out that I'm more the type who trusts my girlfriend and let her deal with those things, instead of me speculating.
On another note, my girlfriend told me a guy is disappointed at her because he want her as a girlfriend (he told her on SMS, and I think it's creepy) and have feelings for her. I think she's awesome, also for telling me, and she is really impressed that I'm not jealous at all and don't read her messages or ask her for passwords etc (her ex wanted to know everything). I have found out that I'm more the type who trusts my girlfriend and let her deal with those things, instead of me speculating.
Omegasquash
Member
It's not a terrible idea, but keep it as a Plan C. There are lots of other things going on, and if you're in an area where spring is springing, sunshine and fun times always work well.
Text her when you're ready. Don't be hasty, but don't dilly dally if you like her either. When. You're. Ready.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
I don't think it's a problem. Some people get along with everybody.
Regarding the guys who may have a thing for her: it's not your problem. You can't control what they think, but if your girlfriend wants to hang out with them then you have to trust her. They're friendzoned and won't make a move out of fear of compromising their friendship (not unlike some of the situations encountered in this thread).
What do one do, when ones ex-girlfriend keeps sending bad messages? I blocked her from Skype and got the chance to block her from Facebook as well. But then she creates new Facebook accounts with other identities and try to add me. I had blocked her from my Gmail but she seems to still be able to send me mails. She keep miscalling my phone and sending me SMS messages, and I'm not fond of getting a new number as a whole lot of important contacts (and work places who have gotten my job applications) have my current number. I keep ignoring her, but do any of you guys have any experience with this? Because I hope she'll eventually stop contacting me at all.
On another note, my girlfriend told me a guy is disappointed at her because he want her as a girlfriend (he told her on SMS, and I think it's creepy) and have feelings for her. I think she's awesome, also for telling me, and she is really impressed that I'm not jealous at all and don't read her messages or ask her for passwords etc (her ex wanted to know everything). I have found out that I'm more the type who trusts my girlfriend and let her deal with those things, instead of me speculating.
Have you prepared a will?
you can block non friends from sending any kind of message on facebook. That should stop her from texting you there. It should be possiblle to auto block friend requests too. You could also do a restraining order
I can't block non-friends as I'm running a Madrid fan club page on Facebook, where people send me applications and questions. I guess I'll just keep ignoring, she'll hopefully get tired of not getting a response.you can block non friends from sending any kind of message on facebook. That should stop her from texting you there. It should be possiblle to auto block friend requests too. You could also do a restraining order
Beer Monkey
Member
Sure, when the man is NOT ATTRACTED to the woman.
I have lots of female friends. Some of them I'm not attracted to and I consider them true platonic friends. Then there's the others. I respect their relationships for the most part, but one big blow up argument with the boyfriend and there's a chance we'll end up in bed.
Unless your girl is a beast, probably at least half of her guy friends want to fuck her. If she's beautiful, figure all of her straight male friends (and some of the gay ones) want to fuck her, and will given the opportunity.
Does that mean you should be jealous? No, but it means you better be at the top of your game and make sure she feels like the one pursuing you, and the one trying to keep you in the relationship, not vice versa.
Devolution
Member
Napoleonthechimp
Member
I have to wonder if all of my problems are down to a malfunctioning thyroid, specifically hypothyroidism. The extremely low libido, lack of motivation, sluggishness, depression, anxiety and thinning eyebrow hair (which is far too specific to be coincidental) all fit.
I just don't seem to have any strong desire to have sex with women (or even do anything) despite being a 26 year old heterosexual man.
EDIT: It's also worth noting that I once took "Mucuna pruriens" which is a natural herb that contains a huge dose of "l dopa", which stimulates the production of dopamine and testosterone. I do distinctly remember my motivation and sex drive going through the roof after taking it.
I just don't seem to have any strong desire to have sex with women (or even do anything) despite being a 26 year old heterosexual man.
EDIT: It's also worth noting that I once took "Mucuna pruriens" which is a natural herb that contains a huge dose of "l dopa", which stimulates the production of dopamine and testosterone. I do distinctly remember my motivation and sex drive going through the roof after taking it.
Beer Monkey
Member
It's not a rigorous scientific study, but this test showed guys having double the chances of picking up a girl if they touch their arm.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/a...ht-touching-can-double-your-chances-in-dating
http://www.scientificamerican.com/a...ht-touching-can-double-your-chances-in-dating
Omegasquash
Member
This last paragraph. THIS LAST PARAGRAPH. When you're the one doing the chasing, you're not valuable. When you position yourself as someone that isn't there to woo, but is valuable, is worth keeping around and is that much better than the next guy, you're invaluable.
It's true, and I speak from experience.
MrGame&Watch
Member
Not sure if I need advice, but why the hell not.
Events in order
1.Went home with a girl this weekend
2.Stayed the night
3.Got her number
4.Waited for her to text me
5.She texts me
6.Exchanged a couple of innocent texts, but didn't go anywhere
7.Day later I friend her on FB, she friends back
8.???
Events in order
1.Went home with a girl this weekend
2.Stayed the night
3.Got her number
4.Waited for her to text me
5.She texts me
6.Exchanged a couple of innocent texts, but didn't go anywhere
7.Day later I friend her on FB, she friends back
8.???
- Status