Evolved1
make sure the pudding isn't too soggy but that just ruins everything
Think Super Monkey Ball. Except with a horrible plot, worse art, graphical glitches all over the place, bad controls, and an uneven framerate.
Having to touch shit on the screen all the time (not just the edges, but all over) while using both sticks killed the game for me in the first mins.
All the other stuff you listed was true, but that one thing killed it for me.