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[Sidewinder]

Good luck neojubei, you can do this!

Just looked up a Linkedin profile from a very good old friend, yeah I know, stupid idea, I've never done it before and never had Facebook either. Whatever, we were in the same school from age 6 to 20. Last time we met (~6 years ago) he was working on his PhD, which of course he finished by now. He has a Master degree, PhD, he worked for NASA, taught Math in college for several years, works for a national health organisation and at the same time he's on his second Master degree at the most prestigious school in our country.

What have I achieved in the meantime: absolutely zero (0).

In the past I'd have been happy for him and proud, I'd have called him on the phone and said "hey Dr. XY, how you doing, got some time to waste with a commoner?". But now I just feel empty at best, or jealous and angry at worst. If by chance I should walk past him one day, I would do everything to avoid him, because having to tell him what I've been doing the past decade or so would be extremely hard for me. He's better off without me anyway, it's not like he got where he is right now by surrounding himself with hopeless cases and losers. If I ever receive an invitation to a college reunion I'd just throw it into the trashcan right away, not that I didn't like these guys, quite the contrary, but I don't think I'd survive the vast amount of shame and self-pity that'd ensue. Hell no wonder, I'm worth less on the job market, well not only there, than somebody at the same age who scrubbed toilets since high school.

 

[neojubei]

Good luck. If he turns out to be straight or rejects you for some other reason remember you havent lost anything and if you never tried you would probably have had regrets about it,

I'm more afraid if he does want to go out with me.
Thanks for the support

 

[Wilsongt]

What a lovely day to slip one's throat.

 

[neojubei]

What a lovely day to slip one's throat.

Or it's a lovely day for a nice walk or read a book.

What's on your mind to make you feel this way?

 

[Wilsongt]

Or it's a lovely day for a nice walk or read a book.

What's on your mind to make you feel this way?

Just the usual problems. Nothing to really go into detail about or complain about.

 

[butzopower]

It's been a while since I've felt anxiety like this. I went into work, had breakfast, sat at my computer, looked at the screen and almost started crying. I got up, emailed my manager that I didn't get a ton of sleep (which I didn't) and was feeling too anxious to be productive, and left.

I want to deal with it, if it's even possible. I feel like I've spent the last 2 years avoiding stressful situations to mostly avoid going through these fits, but I think it's only made my overall anxiety worse.

 

[Collete]

Posted this in the LGBT thread so I'll post it here too

I'm thinking of asking this guy out. It's been on my mind for quite sometime. I see him just about every morning on the bus going to the train station. He takes another bus at the station and I take the train into work. Sometimes on the bus I stand next to him and I have an urge to say hi. Unfortunately my gaydar doesn't work on Asian guys so I cannot tell if he is or isn't. Tomorrow I might try my luck I hope I can handle being shot down. He's my type. He has short hair he's about 5'5" lean. He does have tattoos on his arm but that's ok. I'm neither for or against it. I just need to find something to say to him after hi. I suppose my mind will think of something it's pretty good at doing that.

Go for it jubei!
If we never try, we would never know if it would really happen or not.

 

[dani_dc]

Because of a situation that seems that have come to an end, which I won't be explaining to avoid derailing the thread (anyone that remembers my last post should have some idea), I'm a complete wreck.

I find myself without strenghts, having literally lost every plan, hopes and dreams I had.
I learned the painfull lesson of not constructing your future based on your trust for others, no matter how strongly you feel about them.
All I literally have left is a handfull of people I talk to online (and not necessarly regularly with all) and one friend (which I'll probably be stopping to have soon seeing as he only talks with me during college semesters and I'm dropping my Masters, he always talks about doing stuff off college or off semesters but never really follows through.).
One of the friends that I talk online told me yesterday (paraphrashed) "It's painful to see you like this, I always thought of you as one of the strongest willed people I know", and I really didn't had much reply to it except "Everybody has some sort of breaking point, this just happened to be mine".

The only thing I seem to be able to talk, for the most part, is about everything that happened, it's extremely rare for me to be able to have a decent chat with someone that doesn't eventually devolve into how I feel or my issues in quite awhile.

I'm finding myself unable to fall asleep, and waking up several times when I do (and having trouble falling asleep again), even when I wake up I find myself spending hours just wondering about everything before being able to find some strenght to get myself out of bed. It doesn't help that I always seem to feel worst after sleeping than I did before it.
When I manage to get out of bed I find myself just staring at the computer for hours just waiting for something that I don't even quite know what it is, I refresh gaf a lot but I don't really even read threads, I just refresh it to see if anything changed.

(I'm wouldn't say I'm suicidal, I don't want to kill myself, yet I'd be lying if didn't say that lately I haven't had a lot of thoughts and fantasies about scenarios where I'm dying lately)

I stopped going to college for the most part, I go once a week to an evaluation class (my parents have noticed I stopped going but I just keep making excuses like having to work on a project) , whenever I go I just feel awful for even being there, last class I pretty much went hoping for the teacher to crticize my work just so I could have an excuse to yell at somebody and leave the place.
I haven't been able to do projects and, worst of all, it's affecting my one friend, we had a project for today that I wasn't able to do so we had to drop that class (thankfully he's being understanding of my situation), I have another project for wednesday that I can hardly work on and when I do I can't really do anything decent, it's not the biggest deal of the world to me since I've since decided I'm going to drop my masters but yeah.

I've tried doing pretty much everything I enjoy and none of it really seems to work, playing games for example just makes me more depressed.
Not even a certain show that touches me which I love, that always seemed to be able to make me feel better, seems to make more than attenuate how I feel (and even then I find that it does little-nothing more often than not now).
The only thing that kind of makes me feel better is going around my PC and erasing things.
I horded tons of games and I kind of just wish I could delete their existance, I look at my steam list and just feel depressed and wishing I could just get rid of them (instead I just deleted the stuff I could such as recommendations, screenshots, and people on my friend list that I don't talk to).

I can barely eat, today I forced myself to eat part of a meal and I ended up nearly vomiting and feeling nauseous for a good while.

I'm extremely anxious and stressed out at various points as well, I always feel I'm on the verge of going on a rampage lately, today I notice myself getting extremely agravated just by hearing my mother and sister talking.

I haven't went to my psychologist for quite awhile, she got a pregnancy leave and then when she came back my family wasn't in the best financial situation so I didn't return. My dad is the one with the phone number but he has been procastinating schedualing it and I haven't really insisted (or asked for the number) because I'm a moron that doesn't want my dad to be aware of the situation.
Seems unlikely I'll be able to get an appointment before next week, and even then since there's a lot to catch up I doubt I'll get much help until later.

The only thing I have in mind right now is to move out to my grandfather house (empty since he died around a month ago) and try to get some shitty uninteresting job.
Which is hardly an appealing option, the idea of going and be by myself (even further isolated), being alone and go get some shitty job that I never expected or planned to have (and even in the scenarios where I imagined myself doing that I always imagine having other things that would make such plain existance berable... which are now gone with the rest of my dreams), it's essencially the life I always hoped I would never have, but it's the only thing that even seems even acheivable anymore.

I feel at a lower point by the day, and even if I somehow manage to recover, I really no longer have anything to look foward to in my future.

Avoided posting on this thread out of respect and concern for somebody, but I'm starting to realize that I shouldn't be putting other people concerns and needs over my own (that's probably how I got in this situation in the first place), and I really feel like I have nowhere to go right now, so eh.

I also suffer from OCD, which is it's own beast on my life (but obviously intertwinds with my current situation), and I had a big post written up about my experience with it that I was meaning to post here some day (didn't post because of the same reasons mentioned before), but I think I'll leave that for some other day.

 

[BigEvilTurtle]

Dani, you should really talk to your dad about it and get it scheduled as soon as you can. Putting it off is seriously going to make it harder.

I'm really hoping the best for you, and you know I'm always available to talk.

 

[Xun]

I might force myself to go to the pub alone, perhaps try and spark up conversations with people, who knows?

I need a drink anyway, this week is going to be a tough one.

 

[Bagels]

Thanks for taking the time to read my rant. I just needed to vent that out.

I chose my username from the character Juubei in onimisha 2. Loved that game.



Tell it to me I'll listen. Sometimes it helps just to rant

Posted this in the LGBT thread so I'll post it here too

I'm thinking of asking this guy out. It's been on my mind for quite sometime. I see him just about every morning on the bus going to the train station. He takes another bus at the station and I take the train into work. Sometimes on the bus I stand next to him and I have an urge to say hi. Unfortunately my gaydar doesn't work on Asian guys so I cannot tell if he is or isn't. Tomorrow I might try my luck I hope I can handle being shot down. He's my type. He has short hair he's about 5'5" lean. He does have tattoos on his arm but that's ok. I'm neither for or against it. I just need to find something to say to him after hi. I suppose my mind will think of something it's pretty good at doing that.

Thanks for the support.

I wish I had a place where I could be myself.

I'm more afraid if he does want to go out with me.
Thanks for the support

Or it's a lovely day for a nice walk or read a book.

What's on your mind to make you feel this way?

Go Jubei! Whatever you had for breakfast, please keep having it!

I know you think you're hated, but that's not the case. I know how much you're struggling, and how hard that makes things. But it makes a huge difference if you're engaging with people, trying to look ahead to the future, having just the tiniest bit of hope. People want you to be happy as much as anyone else in here. We all need to rant sometimes, but I think the people who get the most helpful responses are the ones posting more like you are today.

Keep it up, man! This really made my day.

 

[FYC]

Sorry about last night

Posted this in the LGBT thread so I'll post it here too

I'm thinking of asking this guy out. It's been on my mind for quite sometime. I see him just about every morning on the bus going to the train station. He takes another bus at the station and I take the train into work. Sometimes on the bus I stand next to him and I have an urge to say hi. Unfortunately my gaydar doesn't work on Asian guys so I cannot tell if he is or isn't. Tomorrow I might try my luck I hope I can handle being shot down. He's my type. He has short hair he's about 5'5" lean. He does have tattoos on his arm but that's ok. I'm neither for or against it. I just need to find something to say to him after hi. I suppose my mind will think of something it's pretty good at doing that.

Awesome, best of luck

 

[Collete]

Sorry about last night

It's fine was a bit concerned when I woke up in the morning to read that <_<
You doing ok now?

 

[User 100115]

glad so many people cared about my anxiety attack

at one point i was holding abottle of pills and considering downing the whole thing

two more full ones in my car if that didnt work

kinda proves my point about how completely and utterly fucking useless this thread is

I am really sorry I wasn't awake at the time man. I did message you back when I got up. I got a new phone and it no longer beeps at me when I get a message, so I didn't wake up. Really really sorry, but I am so glad you didn't take the pills. You are tough as hell and came back out of it on your own, it sounds like.

 

[FYC]

It's fine was a bit concerned when I woke up in the morning to read that <_<
You doing ok now?

Yup, took my cipralex, went to bed and did some schoolwork this morning. Feeling good today!

 

[KevinCow]

i took too many klonopin to help me calm down

now i'm just dizzy and possibly a little big high

 

[User 100115]

i took too many klonopin to help me calm down

now i'm just dizzy and possibly a little big high

If you took enough to hurt you bad, let someone know man. Don't want to walk that road again. Can you sleep it off?

 

[KevinCow]

I survived 90, I think I can survive 3.

 

[User 100115]

I survived 90, I think I can survive 3.

Kay, I trust ya. Just take it easy and don't like...drive or anything. Enjoy the high? lol

 

[Bagels]

“To see the beauty of the world is to put your hands on lines that run uninterrupted through life and through death. Touching them is an act of hope, for perhaps someone on the other side, if there is another side, is touching them, too.”

&#8213; Mark Helprin, A Soldier of the Great War

Missing some people right now, but sometimes, sometimes, I can almost feel their hands on those lines...

(I wish I could write like that. The whole book is like that!)

 

[Dawg]

12:40 am atm and I bet I'll stay awake till 4:00 am again..

Just browsing random sites while my thoughts go from "fuck my shitty life" to "it'll get better" to "well, it actually ain't that bad.." to "feeling anxious again" to "goddamnit depression..." to...

 

[Hermii]

12:40 am atm and I bet I'll stay awake till 4:00 am again..

Just browsing random sites while my thoughts go from "fuck my shitty life" to "it'll get better" to "well, it actually ain't that bad.." to "feeling anxious again" to "goddamnit depression..." to...

I know Im a fucking hypocrite for not following my own advice Im doing exactly the same thing as you right now but, but turn of every screen, find a sheef of paper and just write down every random thing you are thinking. It works sometimes for me.

Did you know computer screens has almost the same frequency as sunlight and fucks up your inner clock, makes you biologically more awake ?

Here is a program that makes your screen emit less blue lighting at night. I recommend it to everybody.

http://stereopsis.com/flux/

 

[Iph]

I'm starting to realize that I shouldn't be putting other people concerns and needs over my own (that's probably how I got in this situation in the first place), and I really feel like I have nowhere to go right now, so eh.

This is important to realize and will help you begin your steps to recovery. I understand that you've felt like you hit rock bottom, and getting this out and recognizing it is really important too. Do you ever try to get some light exercise, activity or outside time into your day? Tearing yourself away from the internet, computer, tv, video games, etc can help lift your mood and jostle your brain out extreme negative feelings. A change of pace, a healthy lifestyle and humble optimism can go a long way, as difficult as things seem right now.

Also, it doesn't have to be forever, but there are many common, inexpensive medications that can help lift your mood up from the "off-the-floor" feeling and give your brain a jump start towards recovery. Medication isn't a cureall but it can help pick up the slack in areas that you're not feeling well enough or are unable to yourself.

 

[Woorloog]

12:40 am atm and I bet I'll stay awake till 4:00 am again..

Just browsing random sites while my thoughts go from "fuck my shitty life" to "it'll get better" to "well, it actually ain't that bad.." to "feeling anxious again" to "goddamnit depression..." to...

Are you me? When it comes to when you're awake.

As for sites, i'm just "Don't care", "meh". Which is a perfect summary of me, i don't care about anything.

I know Im a fucking hypocrite for not following my own advice Im doing exactly the same thing as you right now but, but turn of every screen, find a sheef of paper and just write down every random thing you are thinking. It works sometimes for me.

Did you know computer screens has almost the same frequency as sunlight and fucks up your inner clock, makes you biologically more awake ?

Here is a program that makes your screen emit less blue lighting at night. I recommend it to everybody.

http://stereopsis.com/flux/

Neat program, i tried it. Worked.
Uninstalled it because i kept turning it off to see colors right in images, games and so on.

 

[Colin.]

College has just made my anxiety problems worse....what are some strategies to deal with chronic anxiety? I already see a therapist but I don't feel like we've gotten anywhere meaningful since I started seeing her last year, just an expensive person to talk to. I have an anxiety med I take before exams and interviews (high-stress situations) and that helps sometimes but I don't want to feel like this my whole life :l

I can relate to that. My time in higher education heightened my negative feelings, for the most part. For me it was a mix of failing to make any real connections with people and not being happy with my course to the point I hated a fair chunk of what I was doing. I should of left earlier than I did, but I didn't want to end up doing nothing, but I did anyway and still am.

Anxiety itself is something I've had my whole life. Any time I leave the house it hits me, I'll worry about all the possible negative things that will happen to me once I'm out. And if anything bad does happen or I just mess up with my social anxiety, I will beat myself up about it for the rest of the day. I can't really suggest any strategies, though I wish I did so I could apply it to myself. I guess this is just my way of saying you're not alone, and I'm sure others here experience similar issues with anxiety.

 

[dani_dc]

Dani, you should really talk to your dad about it and get it scheduled as soon as you can. Putting it off is seriously going to make it harder.

I'm really hoping the best for you, and you know I'm always available to talk.

Seems like the earliest possible will be next week (unless I'm lucky and there's some opening for tomorrow), I think she also has appointments on a different clinic some 30-40 minutes away from me, so I'll try to see if I can find out where that is.

Thanks for all the support both here and outside, I really feel like I shouldn't be imposing so much on you, but you caught me at a really bad period.

This is important to realize and will help you begin your steps to recovery. I understand that you've felt like you hit rock bottom, and getting this out and recognizing it is really important too. Do you ever try to get some light exercise, activity or outside time into your day? Tearing yourself away from the internet, computer, tv, video games, etc can help lift your mood and jostle your brain out extreme negative feelings. A change of pace, a healthy lifestyle and humble optimism can go a long way, as difficult as things seem right now.

Also, it doesn't have to be forever, but there are many common, inexpensive medications that can help lift your mood up from the "off-the-floor" feeling and give your brain a jump start towards recovery. Medication isn't a cureall but it can help pick up the slack in areas that you're not feeling well enough or are unable to yourself.

Thanks for the reply.
Unfortuntaely from realizing until actually actually following that belief is a pretty huge step, especially when your brain keeps obsessing over other people issues (not to mentio the past).

I have a really time putting the past behind.
I still obsess to this day with small mistakes I did many years ago (for example losing a Mario Kart Double Dash tournament in an early stage because I got anxious, when I was clearly much better than everyone with the exception of one person there). As you can imagine, I'm not quite convinced that something like this will just go away from my head anytime soon.

I walked a lot outside in this past semester, but that's about the only exercise I did in the last few years (outside of vacations).
I wouldn't even say I have "days", for most of the last few years I would be awake at late afternoon until early morning, and I would usually spend that time talking with people online that I cherished but lived in a different timezone.
Usually the only time I had free was very late into the night (3-4 am and foward) so exercise and going outside were really a no-go (even exercise at home since that would require a bath afterwards). My scheduale would only change if I had class, in which case I would be awake for class and then late afternoon/early night (breaking my sleep into two different blocks if needed be).

One of the reasons why I'm considering moving out to a different place is so I can even try to break away from that lifestyle, to allow myself to actually be awake at day and go back to exercising as I did 8 years ago.
There's also certain OCD issues I have that makes things harder (the most obvious one, nothing I use at home can be touched unless I'm fully disenfected, so doing 5 minutes of exercise (and with my current physical shape I wouldn't be able to exercise for longer than that) relaxing a bit and then getting back at it is not something I'm able to do where I am right now), that I hope I could bypass to some degree by moving into a different environment.

With that said, one of the things that's bothers me is that being outside of the house just makes me further obsessed with the situation, even though there's nothing more to do, there's this feeling that by being outside that I'll miss some chance to change things, which just makes me feel even more anxious and down. It's not logical at all (though it sure as hell doesn't help that this situation started because I went against a feeling/urge telling me that I should go to the PC, and instead decided to try to ignore it and sleep earlier), but it's something I'm unsure how to tackle.

As for the humble optimisn, I always had a bit too much of optimisn within the possibilities of my life, which is to say, I tried to be realistic with what I aimed at but always try to be optimistic that I could acheive it. Right now I look at the possibilities I have infront of me, and I'm optimistic that I can acheive them (living alone and getting a low programming job), it's just that those possibilties are basically everything I have left to aim at, and depresssing compared to what I thought I could acheive, even in a worst case scenario, two months ago.

I am however going to consider looking into medication (someone else recommended me to look into it as well), I always looked at medication as something to use as a last resort, but this seems like a situation where I don't have much alternative.
I was hoping to be able to talk with my psychologist about it first, but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen before next week, so I might try to talk with my family doctor about the situation to see if he can help me with that.

When it comes down to it, it seems I'll have to tackle my OCD alongside all of this mess, so I'm not quite confident I'll be getting better anytime soon. That's not to say I'm not going to do what I can of course, I just don't think I'll be able to ever fully recover from this emotionally and the life I dreamed off for many years now is surely something that won't be happening regardless of how I handle this(not solely because of this situation but also the loss of a few good friends in the last year who are not in good terms with me), which I'm sure will remain a big frustation of mine in years to come (potentially for as long as I'm around).

 

[Iph]

postage

You say OCD a lot but, in my opinion only, it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety if anything. Either way, it can take a while to know yourself well enough and forgive yourself to the point where you're not getting into a negative panic over things you yourself recognize as trivial. It is very difficult, I won't lie. I have had a lot of anxiety issues in the past and did not recognize them for what they were until I was a stress ball with a damaged stomach and intestines as a reaction to it.

It takes time and you will have set backs. It takes time to grow as a person and move past the, well... past. The best thing to do is try living day to day, keep busy with things that are "neutral" and unrelated to things you negatively associate with the past. Don't give up on things you legitimately enjoy still, but if they remind you of a past you can't let go of and know you should, take a break from them. Try something new. If you know the way you are doing things now is not making you happy or better, trying something different--anything--to give yourself a chance at a new perspective, or perhaps just a necessary distraction.

There is no single good answer or action that will "fix" things. A lot of mental health issues are about recognizing them for what they are and learning how to approach your emotions and lifestyle so things can be manageable and improved.

Other things that can help are:
-verbalizing aloud what you are doing that is making things worse for yourself and others
-verbalizing what you CAN do and want to do
-not berating yourself, putting yourself down, telling yourself what you can't do or are incapable of (even if it's not aloud)
-catching yourself when you are getting into lines of thinking that are negative and don't add to the quality of your life or the lives of others around you
-writing out a schedule for yourself of healthy, productive habits and short-term, small, reasonable goals

Also, try to think if something that is bothering you is going to matter in, say, the gold standard of five years. It may still be bothering you that minute, it may still be making you upset and anxious that second and you should accept that but try to think of how much it really matters in the semi-long term. This can help you stop, take a breath and separate from things that would normally consume you.

 

[Bagels]

Why does my ink look like such shit?! I hate my scanner and I need to write things by hand because of reasons. It's frustrating.

 

[Iph]

Why does my ink look like such shit?! I hate my scanner and I need to write things by hand because of reasons. It's frustrating.

I kept reading "I'm" as "Jim". lol

Also, what is the band? Nice Bagel.

 

[EdmondD]

Glad things are working out for you Bagels.

Tidepools also punch me in the feels. Awesome note Bagels at least your writing is legitble. Have a good night everyone, draggin' my butt off to see Tool (yeah yeah overrated). Maynard better fucking face the audience this time.

Hey, Tool is not overrated. I love them. Probably my favorite band.

I kept reading "I'm" as "Jim". lol

Also, what is the band? Nice Bagel.

The Mountain Goats.

 

[dani_dc]

That's a very nice list you have there bagels. And yes, that was a bit harder to read than your reviews.

advice

Well, I say OCD a lot because I know I have it (my therapist said as much, and I had a very strong suspicion before that), I definitively have a lot of anxiety as well of course, but a lot of that comes from my urges, feelings, intrusive thoughts and obsessions (and of course compulsions, but those are really the least of my problems right now) that I have in a very constant basis.
That's not to say I don't have anxiety issues, or that I'm not wrongly pinpoint some issues onto my OCD, just that it's such a big part of who I am that it's hard to dissassociate my reactions to this situation from it.

One of the issues I'm facing right now is that my life in the past few years was basically set around this situation, so nearly everything I do that I enjoy leads me back to this one way or another.
And even the few different things that I enjoy and tried to do (such as going to a concert) didn't quite work, I just ended up lost in my head. There are a few things I'm hoping to start doing again soon (in specific exercise and playing football), but it will be a bit until I am fit enough to do those for decent periods of time.
I'll try to look into some new things to try as well provided I manage to get myself to do so.

I've considered nuking most of my online accounts, or at least just stopping to log on with them (or delete the people I associate with this situation which is nearly everyone), since that environment is basically toxic to me right now, but that would also involve basically stopping to talk with my remaining friends (which would be unfair for them and me) who have helped me through this and are, really, the only reason I'm not a lot worst right now. Talking with them has helped me immensely.
So that's kind of a lose/lose situation for me.

I don't think I'll be verbalizing things, I was mocked for "talking to myself" as a kid and also for some speech issues I had and I honestly never quite got over those situations, talking to myself out loud makes me feel extremely embarassed and self-conscious. Which is unfortunate because it's good advice.
I'll try to do so in my head though, or by text (it seems to help writing this things down).
The "do what I can do" and "setting small goals" is a bit tricky since this situation left me quite lost in life and, even disregarding how I feel, there's really the issue that I don't know where to even go or do.

As for "does it matter in 5 years?", that sounds like a good idea and something that I'll be trying to do.
Unfortunately what happened now is surely to have affected where I'll be in 5 years since it drasticly changed the course of my life and unfortunately I'm convinced it was for the worst. So trying to do so might be counter-effective, as I imagine myself in 5 years regretting the mistakes I made now. But I'll try to do so for unrelated issues that bother me.

Those are however some good suggestions, and I'll try to follow at least some them as much as I can. Thank you.

 

[Bagels]

Glad things are working out for you Bagels.


Hey, Tool is not overrated. I love them. Probably my favorite band.

The Mountain Goats.

I'm trying, man. I've been really down lately. Trying really hard to fight it.

I hate that the scanner ruins my writing, which I take a lot of pride in.

 

[Pau]

Your handwriting is pretty classy, so you should take pride in it.

 

[EdmondD]

I'm trying, man. I've been really down lately. Trying really hard to fight it.

I hate that the scanner ruins my writing, which I take a lot of pride in.

I know bro. A lot of us are fighting hard. We are all here to support each other. Handwriting looks damn good to me.

 

[Iph]

I don't think I'll be verbalizing things, I was mocked for "talking to myself" as a kid and also for some speech issues I had and I honestly never quite got over those situations, talking to myself out loud makes me feel extremely embarassed and self-conscious. Which is unfortunate because it's good advice.
I'll try to do so in my head though, or by text (it seems to help writing this things down).

Just a quick reply because I'm about to turn in. If you don't feel comfortable looking in the mirror in the morning when no one else is around and saying positive, self-affirming things aloud that is understandable. It's more about putting something positive about yourself in a more concrete form. If saying it to yourself is not an option, consider keeping a small notebook or journal that you write positive things down about yourself, what you can do and want to do at a set time every day. There are no hard, fast rules. Just take things in little steps and find something you are comfortable with. It's more about putting the positive thought processes out there in a more concrete form that can't get dragged into oblivion by the BAD THOUGHTS, kicking and screaming, so easily. Giving the good a more solid existance is the best way to making it a more regular part of your life and something stronger than the bad.

 

[RionaaM]

[post goes here]

I feel for you, man. Have you tried listening to some music, to see if it will clear your mind or help you calm down? Going out for a walk?

I'm not sure if I can be of any help, but if you feel like it feel free to drop me a PM (or add me on Steam) if you want someone to talk or vent to.

Go Jubei! Whatever you had for breakfast, please keep having it!

I know you think you're hated, but that's not the case. I know how much you're struggling, and how hard that makes things. But it makes a huge difference if you're engaging with people, trying to look ahead to the future, having just the tiniest bit of hope. People want you to be happy as much as anyone else in here. We all need to rant sometimes, but I think the people who get the most helpful responses are the ones posting more like you are today.

Keep it up, man! This really made my day.

So much this. I like this new Neo (I think I'm the only one who calls him that).


I'll leave an ELO song here for the night: "Hold on tight".

Hold on tight to your dream.
Hold on tight to your dream.
When you see your ship go sailing,
when you feel your heart is breaking,
hold tight to your dream.

Its a long time to be gone.
Time just rolls on and on.
When you need a shoulder to cry on,
when you get so sick of trying,
just hold tight to your dream.

When you get so down that you can't get up
and you want so much but you're all out of luck.
When you're so downhearted and misunderstood
just over and over and over you could...

Accroches-toi a ton reve.
Accroches-toi a ton reve.
Quand tu vois ton bateau partir,
Quand tu sents -- ton coeur se briser,
Accroches-toi a ton reve.

When you get so down that you can't get up
And you want so much but you're all out of luck
When you're so downhearted and misunderstood
Just over and over and over you could...

Hold on tight to your dream.
Hold on tight to your dream.
When you see the shadows falling,
when you hear that cold wind calling,
Hold on tight to your dream.


(yes, there's a verse in French, and it's just the first verse of the song translated)

 

[RionaaM]

Why does my ink look like such shit?! I hate my scanner and I need to write things by hand because of reasons. It's frustrating.

Good for you Bags. Hope you are doing better. Congrats to your lady for the job offers. And enjoy the trip and the show!

This reminded me that I need to buy a ticket for the Yes show later this month.

 

[ClassyPenguin]

Tidepools also punch me in the feels. Awesome note Bagels at least your writing is legitble. Have a good night everyone, draggin' my butt off to see Tool (yeah yeah overrated). Maynard better fucking face the audience this time.

tool is badass live. Best act I've seeen is Secret Chiefs 3.

” I embrace my desire to Feel the rhythm, to feel connected Enough to step aside and weep like a widow To feel inspired, to fathom the power, To witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, To swing on the spiral Of our divinity and still be a human.”

Doesn't that pump you the fuck up?
Lateralus is my most played album.

Also, Yes is awesome too. You guys have excellent tastes.

 

[Collete]

Why does my ink look like such shit?! I hate my scanner and I need to write things by hand because of reasons. It's frustrating.

Well your hand writing still looks lovely!
Still the tidepool thing, I remember I used to do that when I was younger.
Been awhile since I last been to a beach though, might consider going again one day or another...

I hope you continue with you're writing and you know I'm always available to read it over!

 

[Wilsongt]

So for those of you who remember me, I mentioned a while back I was starting CBT therapy. I thought I'd just provide a small update/in sight into how the first meeting goes.

So, what the shrink had me to do present a situation, list my feelings, and then Tell my thought process. Here are three examples. Two we did in his office, and one I did for homework.

1)
Situation:
My experiment in the lab failed.

Thoughts. (Scale on 0 - 100 on which I believe the most):
I am stupid. (90)
I'm never going to graduate. (80).
I am a failure. (95)
I didn't do the experiment correctly. (50)
I don't deserve to be in grad school. (100).

Emotions (Scale on 0 - 100 on which I feel most):
Upset (80)
Angry (60
Scared (95)
Depressed (87)
Frustrated (90)
Embarrassed (65)
Anxious (50)

2)
Situation: Being rejected (by anyone).

Thoughts: ( 0 - 100)
I am boring. (90)
I am fat. (100)
I am stupid. (100)
I am annoying. (100)

Emotions:
Upset (85)
Sad (90)
Angry (60)
Depressed (95)
Confused (90)
Ashamed (95)
Guilty (80)

Situation 3: I sleep too much and don't get up early.

Thoughts:

I am lazy. (95)
I am stupid. (80)
I am a failure. (90)
I will never be successful (95)

Emotions:

Sad (60)
Worried (95)
Scared (95)
Upset (90)
Angry (95)
Irritated (70)
Ashamed (100)
Guilty (100)

I have to do one of of those for homework before I go back next week.

Ah well.

 

[KevinCow]

got a call from my lawyer yesterday. said they couldn't get the felony terroristic threats charge dropped. so it's either accept a plea bargain or go to court.

also my friend's mom said today that i've been there long enough and i need to find somewhere else by june

so i've been thinking about suicide a lot

 

[dani_dc]

Ugh, just as bad as the negative thoughts are the moments were you start dreaming of some miracle happening that will make the dreams be a possibility again, before the emotional realization that nothing is going to happen and everything will stay the same and have everything crashs again inside.

Just a quick reply because I'm about to turn in. If you don't feel comfortable looking in the mirror in the morning when no one else is around and saying positive, self-affirming things aloud that is understandable. It's more about putting something positive about yourself in a more concrete form. If saying it to yourself is not an option, consider keeping a small notebook or journal that you write positive things down about yourself, what you can do and want to do at a set time every day. There are no hard, fast rules. Just take things in little steps and find something you are comfortable with. It's more about putting the positive thought processes out there in a more concrete form that can't get dragged into oblivion by the BAD THOUGHTS, kicking and screaming, so easily. Giving the good a more solid existance is the best way to making it a more regular part of your life and something stronger than the bad.

I'll try to set something up, I never really did anything of the kind since I've always been, for the most part, a positive person. But I'll see if it will help. Thanks for all the advices.

I feel for you, man. Have you tried listening to some music, to see if it will clear your mind or help you calm down? Going out for a walk?

I'm not sure if I can be of any help, but if you feel like it feel free to drop me a PM (or add me on Steam) if you want someone to talk or vent to.

Yeah, most music didn't work, I end up annoyed at it unless it's a song that I can relate to , which ends with me dwelling in the feelings which is also no good, so I just stopped, there's a few pieces of music and dialogue (from a show) that, while not calming me down, sometimes make me feel a bit better, so that's what I've been trying to stick with.
As for going for a walk, only with a friend (though not this week, didn't manage to get myself out this week), but since he's having some issues with his girlfriend we just end up talking about the situations we're both in.
As for going to a walk by myself, I'm pretty terrified about the idea of being left alone with my brain right now, even going to bed is an unpleasent experience.

Thanks, I might very well take you up on that offer.

 

[Bel Marduk]

got a call from my lawyer yesterday. said they couldn't get the felony terroristic threats charge dropped. so it's either accept a plea bargain or go to court.

also my friend's mom said today that i've been there long enough and i need to find somewhere else by june

so i've been thinking about suicide a lot

wha wha what?

 

[KevinCow]

wha wha what?

after overdosing on my meds with an amount that should have killed me, i was brought to the hospital. at the hospital, i started freaking the fuck out. while freaking the fuck out, i apparently said some stuff they considered terroristic threats.

instead of realizing that i was out of my my mind and that was the reason i was at the hospital, they decided to press charges.

 

[Sadsic]

after overdosing on my meds with an amount that should have killed me, i was brought to the hospital. at the hospital, i started freaking the fuck out. while freaking the fuck out, i apparently said some stuff they considered terroristic threats.

instead of realizing that i was out of my my mind and that was the reason i was at the hospital, they decided to press charges.

damn bro

when i was at the hospital last like that i think the worst i did was piss on a nurse

 

[User 100115]

got a call from my lawyer yesterday. said they couldn't get the felony terroristic threats charge dropped. so it's either accept a plea bargain or go to court.

also my friend's mom said today that i've been there long enough and i need to find somewhere else by june

so i've been thinking about suicide a lot

That is some serious bullshit man, I am so sorry.

I can't imagine if it does go to court you would be convicted, I mean seriously.

Hang in there.

 

[BigEvilTurtle]

My counselor thinks I have OCPD coupled with my depression. I think it might just be either OCD or perhaps anxiety. Maybe the OCD is causing the anxiety?

 

[Bagels]

after overdosing on my meds with an amount that should have killed me, i was brought to the hospital. at the hospital, i started freaking the fuck out. while freaking the fuck out, i apparently said some stuff they considered terroristic threats.

instead of realizing that i was out of my my mind and that was the reason i was at the hospital, they decided to press charges.

That is some serious bullshit man, I am so sorry.

I can't imagine if it does go to court you would be convicted, I mean seriously.

Hang in there.

For real. I talked to my brother, who I'll call croissant, attorney-at-law, and he says it's a farce to try to convict someone for something they said in a hospital while being treated for mental health issues. He's not a prosecutor, or in criminal defense, but he says you'd be an idiot to try to bring these charges to court.

The plea could be something like accepting mental health care. Beyond that is absurd.

 

[skubaman]

Hey, everyone. This is my first time posting in this thread (well, on Neogaf, actually) but I go by Soop on the IRC chat. I think I have clinical depression and am feeling very suicidal. I have a hard time fighting these urges. The only reason I have not done anything yet is because of what I think my family and friends will go through if I were just to off myself and that makes me even sadder. I wanna get some medications but I don't have health insurance yet. Can anyone tell me where I can get some?

 

[Windam]

I'm an unmotivated, stupid waste of space that doesn't deserve to be alive.