Are you the same Neo? Or did someone kidnap him and take his place?
Seeing you this way, trying to be positive, makes me glad. I really mean it. I hope you're feeling better, and that you can keep this optimism up.
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Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
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Seeing you this way, trying to be positive, makes me glad. I really mean it. I hope you're feeling better, and that you can keep this optimism up.
Bardiche
Member
Locke_211 said:
Thanks for the referrals. So it seems like The Linden Method and exposure therapy has some similarities. From what I'm reading, it looks like The Linden Method is one of the faster solutions to anxiety problems.
Oomikami said:
I don't have any friends. Lately, I've been so busy just trying to cope, that I haven't searched out for psychologists. One day, if I have the motivation, I'll seek out an affordable psychologist.
=( Is the class necessary to continue in your field of study? Maybe you can retake the course.Oomikami said:
I personally like to hear good news since it brings motivation, optimism, and it's always nice to hear that something positive has happened to someone =). I'm glad to hear that you're okay, and you've made a huge step by acknowledging that you do need to make positive changes, but it's also important to be realize that it'll take some baby steps, and that it'll be a gradual process. Don't feel discouraged if the motivation isn't immediate, I'm sure everything will work out within time.
Okay, I'll stop with the lengthy quote-filled posts now.
Collete
Member
Yeah I get that.
All right, just make sure not to delay it forever. The sooner you get treatment the better...
And yeah...the class was necessary for my degree specifically. I can retake the course 2 more times, but if I fail those two times as well, I basically am no longer eligible to get my degree...
Yeah, a combination of the above books was a big part of me getting from finding it hard to leave the house much at all to getting a Diploma of my own in Psychotherapy and teaching Literature to classes of 15 undergrads. The Linden Method also comes with quite a few CDs that have some guided mediation or gentle hypnotherapy type exercises that are hugely calming if you go with them.
I'm not sure of the exact nuances of exposure therapy or whether Charles Linden would describe his technique as being the same. Very basically, how much of your problem comes from once you feel the first bit of anxiety beginning to build, your fear of what's going to happen next, of losing control in public, of doing yourself some serious damage? If you just focus on in where the sensations are building and willingly try to make them as bad as you can, it completely breaks that cycle and shows you they're just uncomfortable sensations that are ultimately within your own control and completely harmless.
Weekes' is similar, but uses what she calls 'floating' - ie: when you feel the sensations there, or the problematic thoughts, just pass your attention over them and let them be there in the background while you get on with whatever you were going to do anyway. She explains this better and more thoroughly than me!
Just some personal thoughts I was having today:
I suppose what makes my depression difficult to deal with, for me personally, is that when I am depressed, I am attacking myself from three different angles of thought.
There's the first part of me that is depressed. I don't want to do anything, I am lethargic, I feel I am a failure, I sleep too much; all of those feelings that come from being depressed.
The second part is the self-loathing portion of me. This part is the portion that hates myself and is screaming at myself internally for being depressed. This is the "You are so pathetic. You have no reason to be depressed. You're just trying to get pity. No one cares about you or is going to help you, anyway."
The final portion is the logical side of me. "You know, you really don't have a reason to be depressed. You are financially secure, you have a "job", you're in relatively good health. You have a car. You're not trapped in the sad life you used to be in. You really don't need to pity yourself. Everything really is fine. You know, there are people out there with much better reasons to be depressed."
In a way, I suppose you can say the self-loathing and logical portion are two sides of the same coin. Both sides are saying "Stop being depressed. You have no reason." However, both sides are making my depression worse. When I trivialize my depression, whether it be by beating myself down even more or by trying to logically think my way through it, it tends to make it worse.
I've come to the point where I am keeping everything in. The Logical and self-hated side have pretty much ganged up on in terms of the idea that I don't need to talk to anyone. No one cares anyway. No one can offer help. Or finally, you've tried to rely on people too much already and obviously that has gotten you no where.
There are times when I am feeling very low. Yesterday was an example of this. On two occasions yesterday, I had the idea that maybe I should cut myself. We have razors here in the lab. I actually picked one up yesterday and visualized myself racking it across my arms. The logical portion of me kicked in, though. "You do realize that cutting yourself in only a form of attention and trying to get pity, right? It's not going to accomplish anything." Then the self-hatred side kicked in: "Idiot. Why would you think of doing something so stupid?"
I also got the idea that maybe I could throw myself in front of a car, but once again the logical side kicked in. "You know, that definitely won't accomplish anything but getting you tons of medical bills and all that you just can't afford."
I've gotten to the point where I am depressed, but I feel that I am not allowed to be depressed. I have to put on this facade to everything that things are great and wonderful and that life is good. Well, I don't have to, but I do it anyway.
Deep down, I feel terrible and then trying to trivialize the terrible feelings is making me feel more terrible. It's this endless spiral that seems to come and go.
I keep telling myself "Maybe one day I'll reach a breaking point and I'll do something drastic or just have a midlife crisis." But, logical points out "You're fine. There's no reason to cry, or break down, etc."
Bah. Rambling.
I suppose what makes my depression difficult to deal with, for me personally, is that when I am depressed, I am attacking myself from three different angles of thought.
There's the first part of me that is depressed. I don't want to do anything, I am lethargic, I feel I am a failure, I sleep too much; all of those feelings that come from being depressed.
The second part is the self-loathing portion of me. This part is the portion that hates myself and is screaming at myself internally for being depressed. This is the "You are so pathetic. You have no reason to be depressed. You're just trying to get pity. No one cares about you or is going to help you, anyway."
The final portion is the logical side of me. "You know, you really don't have a reason to be depressed. You are financially secure, you have a "job", you're in relatively good health. You have a car. You're not trapped in the sad life you used to be in. You really don't need to pity yourself. Everything really is fine. You know, there are people out there with much better reasons to be depressed."
In a way, I suppose you can say the self-loathing and logical portion are two sides of the same coin. Both sides are saying "Stop being depressed. You have no reason." However, both sides are making my depression worse. When I trivialize my depression, whether it be by beating myself down even more or by trying to logically think my way through it, it tends to make it worse.
I've come to the point where I am keeping everything in. The Logical and self-hated side have pretty much ganged up on in terms of the idea that I don't need to talk to anyone. No one cares anyway. No one can offer help. Or finally, you've tried to rely on people too much already and obviously that has gotten you no where.
There are times when I am feeling very low. Yesterday was an example of this. On two occasions yesterday, I had the idea that maybe I should cut myself. We have razors here in the lab. I actually picked one up yesterday and visualized myself racking it across my arms. The logical portion of me kicked in, though. "You do realize that cutting yourself in only a form of attention and trying to get pity, right? It's not going to accomplish anything." Then the self-hatred side kicked in: "Idiot. Why would you think of doing something so stupid?"
I also got the idea that maybe I could throw myself in front of a car, but once again the logical side kicked in. "You know, that definitely won't accomplish anything but getting you tons of medical bills and all that you just can't afford."
I've gotten to the point where I am depressed, but I feel that I am not allowed to be depressed. I have to put on this facade to everything that things are great and wonderful and that life is good. Well, I don't have to, but I do it anyway.
Deep down, I feel terrible and then trying to trivialize the terrible feelings is making me feel more terrible. It's this endless spiral that seems to come and go.
I keep telling myself "Maybe one day I'll reach a breaking point and I'll do something drastic or just have a midlife crisis." But, logical points out "You're fine. There's no reason to cry, or break down, etc."
Bah. Rambling.
Well, hello there folks. Beautiful day. It's a shame the rest of the gaf's poets seem to have taken a hike, but it'd be super cool, if like some poets on here were to want to partake in the poetry challenge thread.
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=553928
End's tonight. So not too long to go, but we've got no entries so far. Misery be gone.
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=553928
End's tonight. So not too long to go, but we've got no entries so far. Misery be gone.
Well if it's any consolation you're not the only one beating yourself up. I identify strongly with all of the bold'd, especially the self-harm urges. I have a lot of suicidal ideation as well, makes things pretty rough. I'm glad I'm past physical self-harm( I think), but man mentally I just despise myself. The fact that my mind warps it into some kinda of deserved punishment, just makes it worse. Just have to shrug my shoulders at that kind of irrational thinking. You don't need to try and justify your depression, it's a disease. It may feel like a crutch, but it's a legitimate illness.
You have no reason to feel guilty. I know that's hard to keep in perspective, as we mentally wrestle with shame and guilt on a regular basis.
Waiting at the pharmacy for my Venlafaxine. Man this withdrawal is no joke, I feel like shit.
Edit: Took my tapered dose, ate some food, feeling a lot better. Apparently this is some bad stuff to run out of. If my dose was higher, I could have ended up in the emergency room apparently. Nasty withdrawal, whenever I wasn't high I was sick.
Edit: Took my tapered dose, ate some food, feeling a lot better. Apparently this is some bad stuff to run out of. If my dose was higher, I could have ended up in the emergency room apparently. Nasty withdrawal, whenever I wasn't high I was sick.
Prax
Member
Oh man, reading those things were great. EVERYONE PLEASE READ IT. IT CAPTURES THE INTERNAL STRUGGLE WELL.
However, it also makes me feel bad about trying to spout positivity or encouragement because I know that it does bring an almost self-defensive mechanism of digging in and feeling offended backlash from the person... BUT OH WELL.
I don't think there's much you can do about that. Depression is a majorly frustrating and contradictory experience after all (for the person experiencing it and friends and family who want to help).
But I think the kernel of hope at the end (haha, get it?? --read the comics!) shows that in all that absurdity, it's possible to one day find the humor and joy in what makes up this mess of a life and existence that we all live.
I am so glad you are able to take the time to give yourself a break and step back and also to try to change yourself positively. It's awesome. It's hard to change old habits, after all, but every little effort counts.
It's natural to feel really intimidated and give up a few times (or a few dozen times!) trying to tackle insecurities and fears. The attempt to just put yourself out there is good practice. I hope you keep trying, that it gets easier each time, and that you take one more step further each time.
Well, two more times is still two more chances to get things done! You were having a rough time and that affected your studying and stuff a lot, but since you got through it once now, hopefully you're better prepared for the second time around. (Remember to make it easy on yourself and reread old notes and re-use assignments--or at least parts of them and improve on them if they let you!).
I remember having to repeat calculus because my grade at the time was awful. Not great times, but I was able to dramatically improve my grade with some focus.
I also took longer than usual to get my psych degree because of how messed up the scheduling of courses were delayed my earning of my degree by a year (paying tuition for one more year was not great times either, but you deal).
These things happen. Just work your way around it if you can and use up all the resources the school will give you (because you are already paying them a lot, so why not!).
In the meantime, take a break today and maybe Saturday and just don't think about all that stuff. You can worry about that for Sunday. Just let yourself remember what it's like to not anxiously go over little details in life. You are probably going to want to punish yourself in some way because of what happened, but the score itself and having to repeat the course is punishment enough. Remind yourself of that and often if you have to and focus on giving your mind and body a break before you tackle the next task.
I think a lot of us understand this process of fighting ourselves with logic and reason and shame, as if that would somehow produce the opposite effect like a rubber ball being slammed into the concrete. That kind of strategy that we're used to may work on a cognitively healthy person who is full of ambition and ready to take on the world, but depression turns you into an egg or something. And somehow we're shocked or disgusted by the results when all the guilting or tough love creates a mess.
You know that trivializing your depression only makes you worse, and that knowledge is good. I think it's better if people can validate that they do feel a certain way and then compassionately guide themselves through it anyhow. Maybe a gentler transition of thoughts would help, like: "I know I'm feeling worthless and horrible and I want to just stop existing. Uuuugh... So I'll have to be more careful and deliberate today when I do things."
Having to be "on" all the time is definitely a mentally exhausting experience. You have been coping so far and that's really great. Just try to be less condescending to yourself when you notice you're running into logical fallacies or having extreme thoughts. You don't want to totally invalidate your feelings, but you do want to lead yourself to a better place despite them. I think that may be the best advice I got when I saw a counselor for a few months.
Being more compassionate to myself over time and almost becoming my own helper has made me feel so much better that the depression episode I went through is almost.. kind of like an alien memory? (But then again, I tend to erase most unpleasant memories like that--overriding it with some other interpretation or blanking it out altogether--and I cannot tell if it's repression or if I just honestly have horrible memory. lol)
Now I rambled too~
I will try to come up with something! If there's no entries, more chances for me to win?? I like winning due to lack of effort from others! >___>
That sounds horrible and so many things happening at once. It sounds really devastating. Glad you could find at least some support.
I also remember you and I remember letting you down (I was having the great mental troubles at the time) and like.. all sorts of bad feelings and I still feel guilty. So I hope I will be able to make it up to you some day--and make it up to others I've disappointed as well.
Give yourself time to grieve and wallow a little bit and not feel guilty about it. I hope the counselling and everything helps and the time will give you better distance from all the pain and also gives you time to build yourself up again.
It's a contradictory experience, isn't it? I hope through all that wavering you feel, you still manage to pull yourself through. It's not a bad thing to back out of a drastic choice like hurting yourself.
Please put those pills aside out of your temptation and just go do something else (like get a drink or water or play a game) and let those self-harming urges pass to below critical level. If you can, give someone a call.
And to everyone else, remember to try to be kind and compassionate to yourselves when you're feeling your worst. It can be a blinding and confusing experience and you can call crisis centers for help. Even if you can't do that, there's still you. Guide and comfort yourself even if it feels like walking in circles, because it's better than hurting yourself hen you're already down.
I have a minor anxiety attack every time I start to think about girls.
Like I know there are a million other things I need to fix first before I can even get started on that. So I usually just try to keep it off my mind.
But sometimes I'm on GAF and there are a bunch of threads about relationships and girls and I just can't help it. I just start thinking about how lonely I am and how impossible it seems to get the interest of girls and how unfair it is that it seems so easy to everyone else and how I don't think it's ever going to happen for me, and then I just can't stop.
I was in a fine mood about an hour ago, but then this got me spiraling out of control so bad that I'm crying now.
Like I know there are a million other things I need to fix first before I can even get started on that. So I usually just try to keep it off my mind.
But sometimes I'm on GAF and there are a bunch of threads about relationships and girls and I just can't help it. I just start thinking about how lonely I am and how impossible it seems to get the interest of girls and how unfair it is that it seems so easy to everyone else and how I don't think it's ever going to happen for me, and then I just can't stop.
I was in a fine mood about an hour ago, but then this got me spiraling out of control so bad that I'm crying now.
User 100115
Banned
I know we've talked about this before, I wish I could help you through it better
Like you said, there is much more important things to be worried about than a relationship, but it's so very easy to fixate on the lack of a relationship and think 'If I had that, I would never be sad again.' But the fact is, even if you did, you would still be depressed. Relationships aren't a magical fix for depression, but it is sure seems that way to depressed folk. Once again, an instance of the brain tricking you into believing something; another 'thing' you can beat yourself up over, ya know?
Cry it out, crying helps sometimes. But remember that right now, you gotta work on you; you don't have the time or energy to deal with another person's crap on top of your own right now.
I understand that part. But relationships are much more than just that, things that probably won't work well if one is depressed.
If you can get a relationship working while depressed, that's great. I'm just sceptical whether it is possible for most.
Collete
Member
Thanks for the response...I'll come back and edit this area when I have a brain to think it over....=_=
Yeah I know what you're feeling completely right now...
This won't mean much for you, but I'll hug ya.
*hugs*
Well I'm never not going to be depressed, so I guess I'm never going to have a chance to get involved in a relationship.
For that to work the person needs to be stable enough to be able to give and make an effort for the other person sake as well. Otherwise it will likely only end in more pain for both sides.
Entering a relationship in hopes to to be happier due to having someone is not a good reason to be with someone, and while it might seem like it would make things easier (especially at first) it will probably backfire in the mid-long term.
A relationship is about two people, and that's the most important thing to remember, you should enter a relationship not because you think it will make you happy, but because you want to make the other person happier.
If someone is entering a relation for their own sake then it simply won't work.
My advice is to continue to try to help yourself first, and when you feel stable enough and want to date someone else because you want to make them happy, instead of wanting to be with them in hopes of making yourself happy, then and only then should you worry yourself about getting into a relation.
Edit: The first part of my post might have been innapropriate, I've edited it out.
We are in the same situation. It would be nice to go out on a Friday night with a significant other or just talk on the couch about anything. Sigh
I dunno.
I've had several breakdowns in public over the past few days where I just start crying uncontrollably.
A couple people have have asked if I was okay, but in the end they were really only trying to pimp out their church.
"Jesus loves you! Things will get better!"
Yeah, well if your Jesus loved me, then why would he have given me a broken brain? If things were going to get better, why do they keep getting worse?
And they never seem to get what "atheist" means. "I appreciate the thought, but I'm an atheist."
"But come anyway!"
"I don't think you understand, I'm an atheist. I don't believe in anything."
"Oh but come anyway, maybe it'll open your eyes!"
Well now you've gone and belittled my beliefs, or lack thereof, you stupid fuck.
I guess it's too much to ask for people to be sympathetic without an ulterior motive.
I can't decide if that's worse than the people who pretend not to see me and then walk quickly away like I'm some kind of freak for having an anxiety attack.
I like to think I've handled it better a few times when I've been on the other side in the past.
"Hi, I'm Kevin. Do you mind if I sit with you?"
Something incoherent through the crying.
"Well I'm going to sit with you. We don't have to talk, but you can tell me what's on your mind if you want. I won't judge you. And here's my hand, you can squeeze it if you want. Don't worry about hurting me, I'm pretty tough."
And then I'd just sit there, sometimes in silence, sometimes they'd eventually open up, but they seemed to usually leave comforted by the fact that someone cared.
That's all I want, for somebody to care. Not for somebody to pretend to care to try to induct me into their cult.
I'm sure if I were a pretty girl or even a good looking guy, people would actually care.
I've had several breakdowns in public over the past few days where I just start crying uncontrollably.
A couple people have have asked if I was okay, but in the end they were really only trying to pimp out their church.
"Jesus loves you! Things will get better!"
Yeah, well if your Jesus loved me, then why would he have given me a broken brain? If things were going to get better, why do they keep getting worse?
And they never seem to get what "atheist" means. "I appreciate the thought, but I'm an atheist."
"But come anyway!"
"I don't think you understand, I'm an atheist. I don't believe in anything."
"Oh but come anyway, maybe it'll open your eyes!"
Well now you've gone and belittled my beliefs, or lack thereof, you stupid fuck.
I guess it's too much to ask for people to be sympathetic without an ulterior motive.
I can't decide if that's worse than the people who pretend not to see me and then walk quickly away like I'm some kind of freak for having an anxiety attack.
I like to think I've handled it better a few times when I've been on the other side in the past.
"Hi, I'm Kevin. Do you mind if I sit with you?"
Something incoherent through the crying.
"Well I'm going to sit with you. We don't have to talk, but you can tell me what's on your mind if you want. I won't judge you. And here's my hand, you can squeeze it if you want. Don't worry about hurting me, I'm pretty tough."
And then I'd just sit there, sometimes in silence, sometimes they'd eventually open up, but they seemed to usually leave comforted by the fact that someone cared.
That's all I want, for somebody to care. Not for somebody to pretend to care to try to induct me into their cult.
I'm sure if I were a pretty girl or even a good looking guy, people would actually care.
mazeedibeedi
Banned
Hi everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster. I think this might be the perfect time to talk about my anxiety attack that happened not too long ago.
While lying in bed attempting to sleep, I had some disturbing thoughts about my own intelligence when thinking about my study plan for my upcoming exams. To put things into context, I'm a student in a very competitive university in the UK.
These thoughts were based off my most unpleasant experiences when studying for exams in the past. I managed to convince myself that no matter how hard I study for my exams, I will never do as well as I want.
These thoughts had me in tears for hours. I knew that basing my future results off past results was illogical and meaningless, but I couldn't stop bawling my eyes out.
Another disturbing thought that came across my mind was that everyone would be better off if I never existed.
Apologies if I seem incoherent, it is late here and I lost quite a bit of sleep
While lying in bed attempting to sleep, I had some disturbing thoughts about my own intelligence when thinking about my study plan for my upcoming exams. To put things into context, I'm a student in a very competitive university in the UK.
These thoughts were based off my most unpleasant experiences when studying for exams in the past. I managed to convince myself that no matter how hard I study for my exams, I will never do as well as I want.
These thoughts had me in tears for hours. I knew that basing my future results off past results was illogical and meaningless, but I couldn't stop bawling my eyes out.
Another disturbing thought that came across my mind was that everyone would be better off if I never existed.
Apologies if I seem incoherent, it is late here and I lost quite a bit of sleep
dutchguyjack
Member
Good things come to those who wait
Know what else comes to those who wait? Death.
PaperFlame
Member
I think that comes to everyone, period.
Nah I think who ever is determined to get something, good things will happen.
I'm talking about this with bagels at the moment and I'm wondering if any of you can help me.
I...didn't do very well in college this last semester. Depression and everything. I ended up failing a class and as a result I'm 3 credits short from graduating. I can't attend another semester. Does anyone have any idea how to handle this situation where I can graduate? Who I can talk to and what options I have?
I sent a message to my advisor and I sent another one to my professor but it appears she's made up her mind.
I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is collapsing around me.
I...didn't do very well in college this last semester. Depression and everything. I ended up failing a class and as a result I'm 3 credits short from graduating. I can't attend another semester. Does anyone have any idea how to handle this situation where I can graduate? Who I can talk to and what options I have?
I sent a message to my advisor and I sent another one to my professor but it appears she's made up her mind.
I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is collapsing around me.
Hi everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster. I think this might be the perfect time to talk about my anxiety attack that happened not too long ago.
While lying in bed attempting to sleep, I had some disturbing thoughts about my own intelligence when thinking about my study plan for my upcoming exams. To put things into context, I'm a student in a very competitive university in the UK.
These thoughts were based off my most unpleasant experiences when studying for exams in the past. I managed to convince myself that no matter how hard I study for my exams, I will never do as well as I want.
These thoughts had me in tears for hours. I knew that basing my future results off past results was illogical and meaningless, but I couldn't stop bawling my eyes out.
Another disturbing thought that came across my mind was that everyone would be better off if I never existed.
Apologies if I seem incoherent, it is late here and I lost quite a bit of sleep
I think everyone in your life whether you know it or not does want you to exist. And try not to stress too much on failing. If there are any counselors on campus you might want to make an appointment with one
Prax
Member
Yeah, I think that connection people want to have with someone as a form of companionship is really important.
I think I've been lucky in my life that I've always had siblings and cousins who I could share a lot of experiences with so I never quite felt lonely. I am not sure where I would be if I didn't have the amount of enjoyment I got from being around them and just hanging out and building dreams together with.
You said you do have friends though right? Even if you can't get a relationship going right now or are still searching, you can try working on the friendships you do have or just branch out and try to make new ones. It's good practice for connecting to people in general and will probably better prepare you for when you do have a relationship (as both practice and moral support ... and wingmen?). Don't discount the non-romantic relationships you do have in your life!
Guh, that sounds awful and cringe-inducing. I mean, I want to give the benefit of the doubt that they had the best intentions and maybe seriously thought it would help, but yeah... Not everyone is great at comforting a stranger. Maybe that really was the only idea they had in their mind at the time.
You did well if you were able to give the kind of comfort and treatment that you would want to receive in return. That is something to be proud of. I know the universe seems kind of apathetic or cruel to not return the favour, but there are people in the world who care and you are one of them.
It reminds of the time I was on a very long movator (like a moving sidewalk) just watching the floor because it seemed really interesting. I must have looked really bizarrely depressed or something because someone approached me and asked if I was okay. Of course I told them I was fine and was just lost in my head, but after the initial embarrassment, I did think to myself how nice it was that there are caring people out there who would approach a stranger to ask about their well-being. That requires a certain kind of courage and level of empathy. So, you're a compassionate and courageous person for being able to have done that for others in the past.
As for the romantic pursuit x depression thing, I don't think it's helpful to bar yourself from trying until you're in perfect health. Because who knows how many people end up together under the strangest of circumstances. But I do think it would be better if you can reach a point where you feel some kind of control over your coping with depression before you open yourself to the drama that is playing the field. Enough so that you have the energy to give back some of the best of yourself.
I can't really say when that would be, but if you feel ready and willing and courageous, then I guess that's good enough to give it a try.
And short of that, just developing more friendships in general. With girls too.
..Not that I am experienced in dating anyway, but that's what makes the most sense to me.
Yeah.. all them exam and assignments anxieties are awful. I remember the days and am astonished I managed to ever pull through and kept believing that I fluked through my whole academic career. But that's highly unlikely and I was probably where I was because I did well through my own efforts (which I still only half believe to this day, but it really is the only thing that actually makes sense lol).Hi everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster. I think this might be the perfect time to talk about my anxiety attack that happened not too long ago.
While lying in bed attempting to sleep, I had some disturbing thoughts about my own intelligence when thinking about my study plan for my upcoming exams. To put things into context, I'm a student in a very competitive university in the UK.
These thoughts were based off my most unpleasant experiences when studying for exams in the past. I managed to convince myself that no matter how hard I study for my exams, I will never do as well as I want.
These thoughts had me in tears for hours. I knew that basing my future results off past results was illogical and meaningless, but I couldn't stop bawling my eyes out.
Another disturbing thought that came across my mind was that everyone would be better off if I never existed.
Apologies if I seem incoherent, it is late here and I lost quite a bit of sleep
But you even have a study plan, so that's already plus points. I think you need to remind yourself that you went over your plans, and that's thinking enough, and now you can sleep. The work for now is done. And worry less about the competitiveness. You are already cream of the crop material for getting in the university. So even if you are the middle or bottom of the cream, it's still all cream. (This thought kept me sane when I fought with high self-criticism lol)
If you panic and cry again, keep telling yourself that things are okay right now and you have a plan and take deep breaths and stretch to relax and think about how you're done for the day with the worrying aspect and then put on a mental screensaver until sleep happens. My mental screensaver happens to be directing "scenes" for my characters or shows I'd like to see, working out dialogue, etc. And then eventually dreaming seeps in and destroys my perfectly directed award-winning scene and I fall asleep.
Good luck on finding some rest from all the worry. Just remember that you have a plan in place and it can be done!
Sir Abacus
Member
Hi everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster. I think this might be the perfect time to talk about my anxiety attack that happened not too long ago.
While lying in bed attempting to sleep, I had some disturbing thoughts about my own intelligence when thinking about my study plan for my upcoming exams. To put things into context, I'm a student in a very competitive university in the UK.
These thoughts were based off my most unpleasant experiences when studying for exams in the past. I managed to convince myself that no matter how hard I study for my exams, I will never do as well as I want.
These thoughts had me in tears for hours. I knew that basing my future results off past results was illogical and meaningless, but I couldn't stop bawling my eyes out.
Another disturbing thought that came across my mind was that everyone would be better off if I never existed.
Apologies if I seem incoherent, it is late here and I lost quite a bit of sleep
Don't worry about them. These are called intrusive thoughts and they're completely normal. Everyone gets them (they're part of the human condition) but the difference is that most people will just immediately discard them while under stress our thought processes can go haywire and we respond to them with an overreaction instead.
They often go after the things that you hold the most dear to you. You can read more about them here and if you have a Kindle and a spare 13 bucks I would recommend picking up The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Obsessive Bad Thoughts by Lee Baer. It helped me immensely with figuring out what's going on with my own intrusive thoughts. If you have insurance that pays well for people out-of-network and can afford therapy I would recommend looking for a therapist that deals with OCD/Anxiety based issues, call them up and ask them if they treat intrusive thoughts.
Mind me asking why you can't attend another semester? Not even distance education?
Prax
Member
I am not sure what can be done, but you made a good step in contacting your academic adviser or any academic counsellors.
Any reason why you can't attend another semester? Is it monetary?
I think you might be able to take a medical leave if you haven't already and save up the credits you've earned.. and maybe transfer to a different university or something?
Also, keep reminding yourself that school is not everything. The degree is not everything. You can always go back at some later point and get it if you need to. You can get by. It can be done. So either way, you do what you can to get the best result, but even if you can't, you can still make do.
That's a definite blessing. And in my experience, family are generally more tolerant of dealing with loved ones with mental illness than friends are.
Unfortunately, I don't have a great family. Just one sibling but she's schizophrenic and isn't in my life. None of my aunts (almost all unpleasant people) had any kids so no cousins. Dad isn't in my life either. Just my mom. Sometimes I wonder where I'd be if I had a more conventional family, the type that bands around each other during rough times.
I think 21 years is enough, or do I still have to wait some more?Good things come to those who wait
I'm determined to get a Murcielago, why isn't my Lambo parked outside my home?
Good things don't give a shit about the amount or strength of your determination or "waitingness", sorry.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
21 years is nothing. Shit even at 25, I feel as I still have lots of time to try and fail and try again.
Determination means nothing if you do nothing active. You want a lambo. Being determined to get a Lambo or other exclusive luxury items is a bullshit response, just like if I say I am "determined to be an F1 driver". However, I can still take racing lessons, do autocross and track days and if I keep at it and build experience and skills, I may be sponsored to do local races or even get into a lower series of racing. Having unattainable goals is just as bad as accepting failure as a truth.
Dorimukyasuto
Member
Never gonna smoke weed because of this.
I always heard it could mess with anxiety and knowing my history I'm glad I have avoided it 100%
Collete
Member
Good things come to those who wait
Well that leaves me hopeful.....
ClassyPenguin
Banned
oh god, last time I smoked a little bit it ruined my night. It was having like a 4 or so hour long panic attack. so much for a "harmless" drug.
This is where the cold logical side of my personality helps. I'm 22, we're both young, we haven't seen shit. We have more life ahead of us than behind us. So what if life doesn't turn out perfect? We can't give up when things always have the potential to get better, that's simply logic. I find this so ironic me telling you things I I can barely even keep in perspective, but that's reality. I'm an atheist, which makes my life at times very bleak and difficult. But shit, YOLO. I'm far more afraid of oblivion than the pain and sorrow I deal with now. I'm always in pain, angry, unmotivated, but I'm trying to be content with simply living. I think that fear of death is why I still live to this very day. My own cowardice is my lifeline.
I don't deserve oblivion and neither do you. Hell we all can die at any moment, no reason to speed things up.
akachan ningen
Member
It just intensifies the feelings you already have. The drug isn't making you panic, you are.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
not really, as this has happened before just not as intense. It's a drug, and like all drugs it affects people differently. And yes, I have smoked many times so don't think of being patronizing.
er..sorry, too many emotions.
I'm a very heavy user of pot and it really improved the quality of my life IMO. People are different, drug interactions can vary wildly and if you are panic prone or highly anxious weed can definitely bring those traits out. But for me it calms me down and puts me in a state where I feel like doing things like playing games, watching TV, hell enjoyment in general. It brings out that genuine sense of enthusiasm that I wholly lack because of Major Depression. I don't think about killing myself when I'm high. So I'm sorry to hear you had a bad reaction to a drug that has changed my life.
I pretty much think the plant works miracles(temporary miracles), but it doesn't work for everyone and that's a damn shame.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Yeah, just as different anti-depression meds work or don't work or aggravate certain symptoms.. I just hate the way a lot of pot users advance their view as a harmless, miracle drug.
No such thing exists, Weed is close though haha.
Verbal Intercourse
Banned
Weed lifted me out of a deep depression and lessened my alcohol intake, but I began to see its negative capability after 5 - 6 months of use. I still self-medicated with it for a couple years, though now I rarely partake.
I'd say it was a waste of fucking time, or that I feel it set me back some, but that's too reductive a statement for a substance like pot. It is capable of alleviating and/or worsening anxiety.
User 100115
Banned
Kevin, that is beautiful and I hope that if I am ever in that situation, I have the courage to do that. Seriously, man, that is amazing.
I am sure most people aren't ignoring you because they don't think you are attractive. Most people have these blinders, these 'Not my problem, someone else will help.' blinders. Or they are afraid to help, afraid to make things worse, afraid to embarrass the person...It's all about fear in the end. People aren't generally like you, that takes an amazing amount of courage to put yourself out there like that.
akachan ningen
Member
Just because it happened before doesn't mean anything. Weed only affects receptors in your brain that affect your perception. It doesn't affect anxiety hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. You make it sound like is making you panic. It's not. You're already panicked and weed is just intensifying it.
Everyone learns the hard way not to smoke weed when you're feeling depressed or anxious. You're supposed to smoke it when you feel good, not TO feel good.
btw, you're being pretty patronizing yourself. I never encourage anyone to smoke weed. I just want people to understand it.
Then the phrase "Good things come to those who wait" is nothing but a steaming pile of bullshit. Though you're right about not being able to achieve anything if I don't even try.
I'm not planning on killing myself, if that's what you think. At least right now, I'm not having suicidal thoughts. And I also don't want to give up.
For some reason, me being an atheist doesn't make me worried about death. As I don't believe there's anything after it, knowing that my brain will be shut off and my body slowly decay doesn't sound too bad of a prospect. I won't be there to feel bad about it. I don't care about oblivion, it won't matter to me if anyone still remembers me once I'm dead.
In my case, my absolute lack of fear of death is compensated by a fear of life. More precisely, fear of my life never improving, and always remaining the same as it is now. Or getting even worse. I don't mind if I die tomorrow, but I do mind if tomorrow is not different (for the better, of course) than today.
And having a whole life ahead of me means nothing when it's already too late to do all the things I should have done when I was younger. To experience all I should have experienced before. There's no way to put the sand back in the hourglass, once it's gone it's gone.
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