KevinCow I know you from lurking mostly and I'd be really sad if you died. You have good opinions on Nintendo things and video games in general, and you're really funny. You may literally hate yourself but most of the time your self loathing is just the right amount of funny. You're a cool dude.
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Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
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Any of you guys waiting for your parents to die before you kill yourselves? It's the only thing holding me back right now. It's a morbid thought for sure, but after years of different meds and therapy I've pretty much gone over the cliff in terms of making any sort of recovery. I cannot honestly think of one thing that could happen in my life that would change my mind, but that's not an uncommon thought from someone suffering from depression.
No! Don't stop, I like seeing art stuff in here. Images that show your emotions are different from words that tell them. I can imagine it helps you to make them and share them as well, so that's good!
MisterLuffy
Member
My final exam for Physics is tomorrow. I downloaded the practice exam, and I can't do or understand these problems no matter how many times I read it. Also, I can't help myself but look at solutions for it. Same with homework, I tend to search it up online without even trying on my own. I just don't understand them. I know already know my results for my final exam and it's not going to be pretty. 
My final exam for Physics is tomorrow. I downloaded the practice exam, and I can't do or understand these problems no matter how many times I read it. Also, I can't help myself but look at solutions for it. Same with homework, I tend to search it up online without even trying on my own. I just don't understand them. I know already know my results for my final exam and it's not going to be pretty.
If you need some help you can pm me.
AFollowerNotALeader
Member
Y'know what? I should resist the urge to argue with people on the internet.
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
Fuck. Oh my god I seriously can't bear this pain anymore. It keeps getting worse.
I don't have any experience with taking medicine for depression, but I do know what it's like to be addicted to weed, and readjusting your life after quitting. I started using weed 6/7 years ago, stopped a couple of months ago. I was only 18/19 when I started, and at the time I didn't take life very seriously. Wasn't happy about a lot of things, but as long as I could find enough distractions I was happy enough. Weed makes it easy to stop caring about stuff that's overwhelming, or stuff that you really don't want to face even if you should. Now, it seems you have handled your drug use better than I did - I almost completely screwed up my college career (trying to fix what is fixable now, but I'm down a career-path that's not really meant for me) and my social life suffered as well, as I locked myself in at home, going days without meeting anyone and just getting high. You seem to have done far better than me - building a career and a family. Focus on that, be proud of that. The panic attacks when you try to get high aren't uncommon. It really is a sign that it's time to quit. I'm not here to tell you that you should never smoke weed again. I think, in moderation, weed can be a pretty safe drug. But for a lot of people, and this is often underestimated, it can be devestating. Especially when you're struggling with depression on top of that. Focus on improving yourself first, giving yourself peace of mind. Maybe there will be room for weed somewhere in your future. Maybe there won't. I know that for me, there probably won't. Scratch that, there certainly won't. Whatever you're planning, don't make the same mistake I did - don't keep using it while it's giving you these panic attacks. It fucked me up pretty bad, and I'm not nearly the man I used to be. It's only now, after a couple of months of being sober, that I'm slowly getting better, and back to my old self again. The way you're feeling now, and believe me, I'm pretty sure I've had similiar experiences, that will only get worse if you go back to your old weed-habits soon.
The first couple of times that you use weed, it's just all fun. Movies/music/hanging with friends is all better than it was. It relaxes you. It gives you a new perspective on life, it makes you think in ways you wouldn't otherwise. It certainly doesn't feel like you're harming your body. That is, until you let it become a habit. You don't neceserally feel addicted or dependent on weed until you try quitting. Like I said before, everything you're going through now is a sign that it's time. The next couple of weeks are going to be very shitty. I can't lie about that. Accept that it's going to be difficult and painful. You might feel shame, you might slip up and use again one evening. Try your best to avoid it and to keep going. You've achieved a lot of great stuff in your life - your career, your family. Keep going for them. They also deserve to know the real you, even though that version of you will stay pessimistic for a while longer. You'll get there. If a fucked up junkie like me can do it, you can too.
Some practical tips (I should really stop making these overly long posts):
- More than ever, try to eat healthy. That's already important for dealing with depression, but your body needs every bit of help it can get while it's not getting its usual supply of weed. It's common after quitting to have a lot of stomach cramps and digestive problems. Often you'll probably won't even want to eat. If you aren't doing it already, please try to keep eating, and keep eating healthy food. Avoid junk food, and especially avoid alcohol for a while.
- Start excercising. This seems like an obvious suggestion, but still. I had a hard time going back to my old hobbies after quitting weed. Movies/games/whatever just reminded me of all the time I spend consuming them while I was high, and thinking about how much better it was back then - not thinking about your problems, becoming completely absorbed in the fiction of whatever it was I was reading/watching. It will take time to get over that too. Go outside, excercise, clear your mind. Maybe it'll be good for you to be alone for an hour or so every day/every couple of days. Not that you should avoid your family, but getting your thoughts straight while working on your health can do wonders.
- Here's a link to a forum that really helped me get of the drugs. I haven't been there since I quit, but I acquired some rather useful contacts while I was there. It's full of people who let their habit go too far, and all of them are there to help each other. I was skeptical at first, especially because some of the problems there seemed to be so far beyond what I was experiencing that I felt like I was intruding (there are horrible stories of pregnant women using and losing their baby, for instance), but I'd advice you to just make a topic with your story there, and see what kind of reactions you'll get. There are a lot of practical, day-to-day tips there as well. For instance, I don't really know anything about the combination of taking medication while quitting weed, but I'm sure you'll find someone there who does. Here's the link: http://www.cannabisquitter.com
Anyway, stay strong man. I know you feel overwhelmed right now. Just don't forget that that's normal. Allow yourself the time to get back to normal. I don't know if your wife is aware what you're going through, but share with her if she doesn't. You're not alone, and things will get better. In a couple of weeks you'll watch some amazing movie, or you'll be doing something with your friends that you used to do while you were high, and you'll realize how awesome it can be to experience life while you are sober. I know that sounds rather sappy, but it's true. I'm not trying to win you over for some religion or something. I just recognize the panic and desperation you feel, and I want you to know that there is a way out. Keep your eyes on the bigger picture and don't let your life be controlled by something as stupid as a joint. You're more important than that.
Feel free to ask me anything, either in this topic or in a PM.
Edit: I just read the story about your parents. I'm sorry man, that can't be easy. To me it seems (and please keep in mind that I'm just a guy who read a forum post) that they're pretty far into their addiction. It sounds a lot like denial ('obviously you can't expect us to quit'), and valuing weed over their granddaughter isn't normal behavior. I can't really tell you how to handle that situation, but I'd say that getting yourself clean is a first priority. If anything, give your daughter the chance to grow up in a drug-free house. Try to keep the conversation with your parents open, tell them you're trying to quit because it's having a negative effect on you. You can't make them quit, but maybe you can inspire them. Good luck.
Capital_Five
Member
What do you do if you have anxiety or other various conditions but not insurance? There is 0% chance that I will ever go see a doctor about any mental issues due to financial and insurance situation but are there medications available to me without having to pay for a psychiatrist or get a prescription? I understand it's supposedly dangerous to take drugs without the supervision of a doctor but like I said, situation and my attitude prohibits me from doing that. It's not like the local drug dealers sell prozac. I mean, I don't think they do. Do they?
scar tissue
Banned
I did say I probably wouldn't post ITT again any time soon, but here it goes anyway:
I'm currently going through my closets and cupboards, throwing away/selling junk I don't need anymore. Found some toys & shirts my dad made me when I was a little kid.
My parents failed horribly at socializing me, leaving me almost unable to properly function in interpersonal relationships, and I harbor a lot of resentment against them for that.
But upon finding this old stuff, I couldn't help but think fondly of my old man. He had all the best intentions, but it turns out he just wasn't made out of dad material. Weirdly enough the first thing that popped into my mind was that he was going to be gone someday, and that I will miss him.
Yeah, hating/resenting my parents was definitely easier.
# cantdealwiththosefeels
I'm currently going through my closets and cupboards, throwing away/selling junk I don't need anymore. Found some toys & shirts my dad made me when I was a little kid.
My parents failed horribly at socializing me, leaving me almost unable to properly function in interpersonal relationships, and I harbor a lot of resentment against them for that.
But upon finding this old stuff, I couldn't help but think fondly of my old man. He had all the best intentions, but it turns out he just wasn't made out of dad material. Weirdly enough the first thing that popped into my mind was that he was going to be gone someday, and that I will miss him.
Yeah, hating/resenting my parents was definitely easier.
# cantdealwiththosefeels
Collete
Member
My expert eye tells me that Sayonara shows the worst possible outcome of a person struggling with depression. It's the realization that there's no reason to keep living, nor strength to do so, and the only way is putting an end to it. The acceptance of the futility of life. Knowing that only death will free them from their own mind, which is their worst enemy.
This is them saying goodbye. This is about someone trying to reach out to them (the upper "thing"), and the suicidal person getting away from them (the lower "thing", the one that's beginning a downward parabola), their mind preventing help from receiving the help they are being offered. The angles tell that the helping person is approaching slowly, maybe unsure of how to proceed, while the depressed one is running away fast, gaining speed and trying to get back into their comfort zone, which is a dark and yet known place.
I'm not sure I like the meaning behind it. It's a nice piece of art (yes Oomi, it IS art), but I don't want to think of suicide as the only valid option. In fact, I don't want to think of it as an option at all. If you have the option to, please accept the help you're being offered. Please consider opening to them, hearing what they have to say, and know that things can always get better. Will they? I don't know, nobody really knows. But they can. And that's what matters. It's uncertain, and it's a possibility that may never happen, but damn if it isn't worth trying! Don't put a premature end to your life please, there's nothing to be gained from that. Don't do it for someone else's sake either, do it for yourself. Do it because you want to see what tomorrow may bring, what can you do to make it a better day. What new thing can you discover, what place can you visit, what new instrument can you play, what new person can you meet...
If I were allowed to make a few changes to your drawing (and I hope you don't mind that I made them), this is what I'd do:
I'd call it Catharsis, and the title would be inspired by the final stage of Bit.Trip Flux (music here). It'd be about realizing that there's people that cares about us and loves us, and isolating ourselves into our own mind will only hurt us and everyone around us. Instead, we know that it'd be better to take their hand when they reach out to us, and despite being in mental pain (and maybe physycal too) we're not going to give up. We're going to make it to the next day, and we think about the good (and bad) times, about our lives, about what happened in the past, about what we can do to change our present and future. When we thought depression had beaten us, we realize that we are not alone: we are surrounded by people, who either want to help us, or are suffering from the illness too; or maybe both. And it's this understanding that makes us want to keep going, and gives us the strength to not give up, to keep fighting. If we are all in this together, we can beat this!
I really love the thought you put into my art, it's amazing!
I can tell my art is highly interpretable which I guess can start conversations
Your new interpretation of my art though, it sounds a lot more hopeful than my actual intention for the painting.
(Actually I was painting it out of a broken heart and feeling suicidal about the whole thing.)
Thanks for actually replying to my art, feels like people are actually looking at it.
I suppose, but is it ok if it's sometimes not about depression?...
It will heal...We just talked but you're doing good in coping so far. Remember we got your back if you need us.
Yeah I feel like that as well, it feels conflicting.
My parents were clearly not meant to be parents but they always had the best intentions for me.
I'll have random thoughts that I'll miss my father when he passes away, even though he mentally abuses me on a weekly/daily basis....
I guess all we can do is just try to value them when they are around and cherish the good memories we have with them. (Which is almost impossible sometimes, I get that.)
I would say yes of course. Can't speak for anyone else, but I like it! Life can't be all about depression
Jack Remington
Banned
I suffer from panic disorder.
Exercise is easily the best thing for keeping it in check. That and getting enough sleep. If I get 4 hours of sleep or less in a night, my panic is off the charts the next day.
When I was on Buspar I felt mentally oppressed, like my thought process was weak, and I was emotionally deadpan. I don't have generalized anxiety anyway so I never should've taken it in the first place but my pdoc at the time wanted to try it. I agree though, with all psych meds YMMV.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Google your states dept of mental health and/or medicaid office.
Bel Marduk
Banned
Oh please. Why do you hate being gay?
MisterLuffy
Member
Even if I ask you for help, I still wouldn't understand because my instructor makes the problems different. And I'm not good at grasping the concepts.
In his defense, it is hard. There's less support out there for gay people (although it's improving) and as there's less fish in the sea, it's harder to date. One-night stands are easy but not everyone's into that.
Try being gay and not able to trust men or have a fear of being around them.
Bel Marduk
Banned
You have a fear of men.. and you can't trust them? Can you trust women?
Only gay men or can't you trust straight men either?
I feel I can trust women, yes.
All men. I even told my new shrink that he made me very nervous point blank.
Hey I'm a woman and I can say the same thing for some men! lol ...but not all of them. Maybe think of it as a problem trusting people period? You can't trust all women either. '_'
My experience with most women have been pretty pleasant. I can't say the same for guys.
I get different kinds of bad with both, but goods too.
Crying when, where, why, how?
Just... Crying.
If I feel I am to the point of crying because my mind has put me in a bad place, I do my best not to. Even when I do cry, it's only for a few seconds.
People speculate it is good and therapeutic, but I just can't seem to really do it.
I'm worried I took on too much with buying a car and it was such a big deal for me and such a big thing and help overcome a bunch of problems at first but now I'm constantly worried about making payments on it especially with mounting medical bills and if I lose the car then what I'm a big fuck-up failure and back to square one where I'm expected/supposed to be?
I don't know if my meds are working as they should. I am really down lately. Suicidal thoughts type down. But I don't have an appointment with the psychiatrist until the 30th and even then that shit costs money and then if I change medicinces, or by then I will need refills, that shit costs money too. And my therapist appointment is soon but that's money too. But talking helps.
I think I'm having some sort of panic attack.
I don't know if my meds are working as they should. I am really down lately. Suicidal thoughts type down. But I don't have an appointment with the psychiatrist until the 30th and even then that shit costs money and then if I change medicinces, or by then I will need refills, that shit costs money too. And my therapist appointment is soon but that's money too. But talking helps.
I think I'm having some sort of panic attack.
malingenie
Member
I have to force myself to cry. It's not the cathartic expression of emotions everyone describes, in my case. Groaning, though. I groan a lot when I'm having an episode.
Jack Remington
Banned
In my experience, it can be therapeutic. Sometimes you just need to let it out. Obviously not in public, if you can avoid it, but in the privacy of your own place, I see nothing wrong with it.
It seems like you still care about them, after all they are your parents. Isn't there any way you could get together and talk?
Yeah, this minimalistic/abstract art is a great conversation topic, lolI really love the thought you put into my art, it's amazing!
I can tell my art is highly interpretable which I guess can start conversations
Your new interpretation of my art though, it sounds a lot more hopeful than my actual intention for the painting.
(Actually I was painting it out of a broken heart and feeling suicidal about the whole thing.)
Thanks for actually replying to my art, feels like people are actually looking at it.
I imagined that your intention was kinda similar to what I wrote about it, and that's why I twisted it to put it in a more positive light. I wish we could always be optimistic, though it's never easy.
I'm eager to review your next painting!
I don't think how it could be a bad thing. If it helps expressing your feelings, or relieving your emotions, then it may even be helpful. People need to vent sometimes, and crying is probably the most harmless ways to do it.
If you need to cry then you should definitely cry.
You can't command your emotions to go away. Feeling them is much, much, much better than repressing them.
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
I second this. Crying can actually temporarily make you feel better! Holding it all in only makes it much worse when you finally unleash your emotions.
What can I do to avoid feeling so stressed and nervous. My new job is killing me. I feel like I'm taking too much responsibility and I'm going to get blamed for mistakes, but in reality it's probably all in my head. I wish I was nonchalant like all my other co-workers.
This is me. Somedays I wish I wasn't gay, it is hard to be happy in this fucking life being that way and living in the super homophobic place I live.
Collete
Member
I don't know...
The action has been with me for many years and almost on a daily basis now.
I think it's best to let it out than not cry at all about something.
It brings me great deal of stress when my emotions or stress is not even released...Even now...
Actually I was working on a painting all day but...It didn't turn out right.
I really don't know where I was going with this...It doesn't really have a title either.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Fly by Night?
Collete
Member
Hah thanks. I really don't consider this painting any great...Can see so many things wrong with it. Was about to scrap it...But felt might as well upload my failures too.
Better than the Steam title I put on Artrage 4 lol.
Thank you for the nice words!
Oh I ain't talented...I think the program did all the work in all honesty. Don't think it requires any talent to do what I do.
Mood for when I was doing it...I don't know. I felt nothing all day. I didn't feel happy or sad...Just felt kind of dead inside...But now I feel like absolute shit lol...
That's really beautiful, you know? That looks like a dove in the middle of a flight.
I'm not sure know if the colors should be interpreted from bottom to top, which could mean that life is getting bad, things are going wrong, and the pigeon is closing into his own mind. The other explanation is looking from top down, and our little friend is instead flying into the light, looking for a better place, leaving behind all the things that made him suffer.
I like the second one more, and I hope that's what you had in mind while drawing it. Being hopeful for the future, not giving up, always flying high despite being surrounded by darkness. The dove will reach the moonlit grass, and he'll be able to rest happily, glad for having achieved what he never thought he could: making it through the pitch black night. If he can do it, why can't we?
Sadly I can't come up with a title. Or maybe yes: it could be called Mood for a night, which is inspired by the title of the song "Mood for a day" by Yes (I know, I'm stealing/adapting all of my titles from somewhere else, but that's what you have to do when you have zero imagination).
Had a terrible night. Some fucked up dreams on where my life could be going, unable to fall asleep again after waking up, torturing myself with some insane thoughts. Felt relieved when my alarm went off, jumped in the shower, and now I'm sitting at my desk with a cup of coffee, ready to completely hide myself in my work. I'm actually looking forward to it. I won't be thinking about my situation all the time, and hopefully I'll be more positive in the evening after getting all this done.
I'm mostly driven by fear these days, but at least I'm driven again instead of wasting away on the couch/in bed. I'm not exactly in a healthy state of mind, but at least I feel like I'm getting there.
There's no real point to this post. All I can tell you guys is that, as long as you wake up in the morning, there's always hope. You need to be stronger than your depression, and that's an uphill battle. But you have to keep trying. I keep thinking back to something I saw while I was taking the train to meet my parents a while back. The train was packed, I felt tired, uncomfortable, socially awkward (like I mentioned earlier in this thread, due to some heavy self-image issues I really don't like being around people). I was staring out of the window, feeling extremely shit about everything. As we entered the station, someone had spraypainted 'Everything will be alright' (in Dutch) on the wall, and on the building next to that 'If you want it to be'. I don't believe in signs, or destiny, or anything like that, and I don't percieve it like that, but it did touch me. The idea of someone feeling so strongly about their position in 'the system' that they're willing to risk jailtime just to get their message out to thousands of people like me taking the train everyday, staring out of the window, feeling hopeless... It was extremely powerful to me at that point. The person who wrote that obviously didn't feel at ease just fitting into the system, broke out of that, just to share a bit of positivity with people he/she will never know personally. Telling everyone to, like him/her, take their lives into their own hands. I think about that moment a lot. Seeing the recent discussions in this thread, people posting their (amazing!) art, wondering if they should showcase it in the same place where people are screaming for help - please keep on posting. More people read this thread than post here. You might inspire people in the same way I was inspired by that one guy/girl who spray-painted those walls. I know you guys are making me want to start being more creative once I have a bit more free time.
Sorry for being so sentimental. It's one of those days. If you're reading this, and you're struggling just as much as me (or more), please know that everything can change. Everything will. The direction that change takes is mostly up to you. Keep going. Stay positive. 'Everything will be alright, if you want it to be'.
I'm mostly driven by fear these days, but at least I'm driven again instead of wasting away on the couch/in bed. I'm not exactly in a healthy state of mind, but at least I feel like I'm getting there.
There's no real point to this post. All I can tell you guys is that, as long as you wake up in the morning, there's always hope. You need to be stronger than your depression, and that's an uphill battle. But you have to keep trying. I keep thinking back to something I saw while I was taking the train to meet my parents a while back. The train was packed, I felt tired, uncomfortable, socially awkward (like I mentioned earlier in this thread, due to some heavy self-image issues I really don't like being around people). I was staring out of the window, feeling extremely shit about everything. As we entered the station, someone had spraypainted 'Everything will be alright' (in Dutch) on the wall, and on the building next to that 'If you want it to be'. I don't believe in signs, or destiny, or anything like that, and I don't percieve it like that, but it did touch me. The idea of someone feeling so strongly about their position in 'the system' that they're willing to risk jailtime just to get their message out to thousands of people like me taking the train everyday, staring out of the window, feeling hopeless... It was extremely powerful to me at that point. The person who wrote that obviously didn't feel at ease just fitting into the system, broke out of that, just to share a bit of positivity with people he/she will never know personally. Telling everyone to, like him/her, take their lives into their own hands. I think about that moment a lot. Seeing the recent discussions in this thread, people posting their (amazing!) art, wondering if they should showcase it in the same place where people are screaming for help - please keep on posting. More people read this thread than post here. You might inspire people in the same way I was inspired by that one guy/girl who spray-painted those walls. I know you guys are making me want to start being more creative once I have a bit more free time.
Sorry for being so sentimental. It's one of those days. If you're reading this, and you're struggling just as much as me (or more), please know that everything can change. Everything will. The direction that change takes is mostly up to you. Keep going. Stay positive. 'Everything will be alright, if you want it to be'.
Verbal Intercourse
Banned
Thanks for this reply. I agree about the placebo effect -- it's pretty amazing something can work even if you're aware of this phenomenon. I feel much better now, as I tried to cold turkey my Effexor before and now I'm weening myself gradually. A stupid mistake.
Your post and artwork makes me want to draw again. I kind of grew sick of it when I found myself drawing for other people's amusement -- to illicit laughs or reactions. I don't really find that motivating anymore, so maybe drawing just to draw would be a better idea.
What motivates you to draw, Prax?
scar tissue
Banned
Thanks for your thoughts.
I could sit down with them for a talk, but they're in full-on denial mode. Every time we talk, if I only make the slightest comment on any kind of success I had (e.g. did well on an exam) they ask me: "So things are going pretty good, aren't they?", to which I reply, in my most sarcastic voice: "Yeah, things are fucking excellent."
They just don't get it. They have no idea of the degree to which I am broken, and frankly, I've given up on trying to convince them.
And I really don't want a meaningful relationship with someone who, essentially, doesn't believe me how bad things are.
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