Uh, hey everyone. I haven't posted on GAF for years probably, just been lurking. Took me some tries to even remember my password. This has always seemed like a very nice community and lately I've been wondering if I have depression and what should I do about it. Maybe just writing this shit out could help, at the moment I feel freaking terrible... I thought I would give a summary of my past few years.
Okay, so, I'm currently 21 years old still living at home and working at a fast food place. A couple years ago everything was going pretty swell... I was graduating with top grades, but honestly even back then I was somewhat of a downer. I didn't really know what I wanted to pursue after graduating. I always wanted to do art, but when it came to applying to art schools a couple years back I pussied out(didn't feel like I was good enough) and went with physics instead. I was automatically accepted because of my grades. Studying physics seemed alright for a time, but I began having issues with concentrating. For the first time in my life, I had serious issues staying awake during lectures. Despite being good at math and physics, I suppose I was never that interested in them and started to fall behind on my studies. I felt guilty for not applying to and art school, and ultimately dropped out.
Around the same time, there was a girl who I believe was interested in me. Now I feel embarassed typing this out but whatever, I'm a virgin who's never had a single relationship. For some reason though, whenever I met her with friends, I couldn't really force any emotion out of myself for her. This was really strange, because honestly on paper we seemed like a perfect match. Because of this, I sat on my ass doing nothing to approach her while she found another boyfriend. They moved in together to another city. I know I said I didn't have feelings for this girl, but this event has fucking killed me inside during the past year. Just intense self-loathing for not doing anything, constantly thinking "what if", you know?
So I applied to an art school, and didn't get in. That was fine though(lead to more self-loathing for not working hard enough, trying hard enough but yeah), because I had to do my military service then anyways. Looking back at it, the military was quite enjoyable even though I didn't do very good. I'm socially awkward and very quiet(more on this later) and lightweight, so not exactly G.I. Joe material. It took my mind off things though, and I clearly noticed being more depressed during weekends when I could go home. When I noticed this, I started to dread my service ending.
Well it ended anyway, and I began to apply for schools again. I was accepted to the entrance exams for all schools I applied for, so that's good. I had one exam last week, another one coming up on wednesday. During this time, I've been very lonely. I have a couple of close friends, but two are still doing their military service. In other words, I've been barely talking to anyone for a long time now. I've always been quiet, but I fear it's only been getting worse. I managed to get a job at a burger joint, but I rarely talk to any of my coworkers. They see me as an oddball and treat me like a child, and I don't blame them. I am very odd, and I constantly feel like I can't relate to anyone. I feel like a child compared to others. I don't talk much to my parents, either. It can get as bad as only a couple words a day. I can put up a happy face and socialize when I make a conscious attempt to do so, but it never comes naturally to me. In groups, I've always felt like the odd one out.
I've also noticed that I'm not very interested in anything. I don't get passionate or excited. I used to be very much into debating religion(in a friendly manner, I hope
), but I haven't been interested in doing that for a long time. When someone asks me what I thought of something, I always reply "just okay" or something like that. I'm obviously into videogames, but lately that's been dying down as well. I loved the new Metal gear game, couldn't get into Bioshock. Cloud Atlas was awesome, but I only went to see it because a friend wanted to go see it. I haven't been interested in new movies in a while. But honestly, this lack of interest has always been with me. I just feel like it's maybe worse than ever now.
I started jogging and doing push-ups earlier this year, but stopped. I have poor appetite and have lost weight. I used to like riding my bike, I've gone cycling once this spring. I often feel sad and anxious. I feel like I never get enough sleep, but this is probably my sleep schedule is non-existent. I sometimes get these moments of clarity when I think "Holy shit, this is all really happening and I can't stop or go back".
But I feel alright sometimes, too. I don't have it nearly as bad as others. I have a roof over my head, a supportive and loving mom and dad. Friends I could talk to about this stuff if I had the balls to do so. I can get up in the morning and go to work. If everything goes well at work, I'll feel just fine. I still feel proud if I manage to draw/paint something I think is cool. But still, I've been getting this intense waves of sadness recently and been thinking this probably isn't normal anymore. I'm not suicidal.
So there it is, I guess. I would be interested in hearing if you guys think I have depression and if meds or such could help.
