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Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
- Status
Yep, so difficult when you can't avoid situations too.
Aww noo, hopefully the artistic waters will start flowing again, a flood
I've got this "I don't give a crap about anything"-feel. Because i'm alone.
I think i've complained before that i need, i want privacy, to be alone, live alone.
Well, i am that just right now. My mother's on 3 week vacation on some place i don't remember, and my brother's away for a Finnish film festival in the north.
You know what? I though i knew what i wanted, but i really didn't (once again, it seems that this is common, thinking i want something but not really wanting it actually).
It seems i don't really like being alone. I'm the sort who need to be alone for a time every day, but otherwise... Well, being alone for a few days? Fuck it, not fun.
Should clean the apartment... but why? No one's here but me, and i don't care how this is for myself. Not interested in cooking food either (if often claim i don't like cooking but i think i actually do, as long as it is something relatively simple i'm cooking), not worth the effort to make it just for me.
I feel like i do things for others, that i like doing things for others, and then when everyone's satisfied, take a break and do something for myself.
I'm lost here. Not sure what this means for my future. I fear i won't be satisfied living alone...
EDIT yeah, so i'm sitting here, 4AM, doing nothing because i'm alone and... well. I'm not tired enough to go sleep, nor do i care to, i don't care to play anything because i don't feel that i should, and i'm doing anything else either because there is no reason to do anything right now.
I think i've complained before that i need, i want privacy, to be alone, live alone.
Well, i am that just right now. My mother's on 3 week vacation on some place i don't remember, and my brother's away for a Finnish film festival in the north.
You know what? I though i knew what i wanted, but i really didn't (once again, it seems that this is common, thinking i want something but not really wanting it actually).
It seems i don't really like being alone. I'm the sort who need to be alone for a time every day, but otherwise... Well, being alone for a few days? Fuck it, not fun.
Should clean the apartment... but why? No one's here but me, and i don't care how this is for myself. Not interested in cooking food either (if often claim i don't like cooking but i think i actually do, as long as it is something relatively simple i'm cooking), not worth the effort to make it just for me.
I feel like i do things for others, that i like doing things for others, and then when everyone's satisfied, take a break and do something for myself.
I'm lost here. Not sure what this means for my future. I fear i won't be satisfied living alone...
EDIT yeah, so i'm sitting here, 4AM, doing nothing because i'm alone and... well. I'm not tired enough to go sleep, nor do i care to, i don't care to play anything because i don't feel that i should, and i'm doing anything else either because there is no reason to do anything right now.
If you lived near me I would have paid for you. I still haven't seen that movie.
Looks like a figure vomiting very strongly in strong wind.
...
I'm sorry, it is what it looks like to me.
Looks like a burdened figure carrying some overbearing wings against a stormy backdrop to me.
Collete
Member
You're too kind...You can say it looks like a person vomiting =_=
No, it really does look like that to me. I was just being a cynical asshole and posting my "art" instead of actually saying it because I have some ridiculous paranoia of being seen as white-knighting or kissing ass.
Personal Flaw #49892
Well, with a quick look.
Looking it a bit more, i see what you mean with the description, understand, feel what happens in the picture.
But if i don't think about it and just glance at it...
I reckon i should say positive stuff, not that "looks like vomiting" but i (like to) think i'm brutally honest, and that means i should tell what i really think (EDIT i don't mean i think it is a figure vomiting, that's just how it looks with a quick look).
I don't think i'm good with people really, i don't have tact, you know? OTOH, i believe people should be honest and direct, that avoids miscommunication.
Collete
Member
Nah don't worry i get what you were doing with your "art". It happens to the best of us really.
I'm really trying to look at where you got to vomiting person but I just don't see it...
You can be honest, I just wasn't expecting it that comment lol
eddfromtheriver
Banned
I like this thread, bits and pieces of what you say describe me as well and my personal struggles, it'd be awesome if we could all hang out together... although i think it would make for quite the awkward situation.
I'll give you that it does require a bit of imagination (and perhaps good spatial awareness).
Which i do have... Picture? I can imagine it in motion, see patterns/shapes in it... neither doesn't require any effort either. Music? If i like it, it conjures a lot of images in my mind, events... and this doesn't require any effort either.
In this case, the figure (dark brown) is bent backward, and somehow launches the vomit (from its chest) to air, which then spreads due to stormy winds. EDIT the storm clouds look really oppressive, uncomfortably so.
...
Not sure you want to know that...
Feels kinda bad that i have extremely good imagination but i do not have artistic talents. Feels like my imagination gets wasted
Feels kinda bad that i have extremely good imagination but i do not have artistic talents. Feels like my imagination gets wasted
I feel the same way. One of the publications I picked up tonight talked about how art and writing or whatever were great outlets of expression. Then I thought about how much I suck at and am so super self-critical of them. OH THE FUCK WELL. :\
eddfromtheriver
Banned
Talk about it... having an artistic soul is a curse, i dislike myself and everything i do for that same reason... i nitpick on the smallest details... thus making me unhappy about most everything visually speaking.
Well, i have some ideas for writing... i just need to start.
So i reckon i can give form to my imagination, but only to part of it. The rest are still stuck in my mind :/
EDIT self-criticality: Important. Especially for writing. Revise, edit, revise, edit. But one shouldn't get stuck on that, at some point say it is good enough, and give it for others to criticize. And then listen to it, suck it up, and make your work better based on the criticism.
EDIT imagination: I have a bunch of ideas for video games. Some are new, some are just refinement of earlier games but still.
So i reckon i can give form to my imagination, but only to part of it. The rest are still stuck in my mind :/
EDIT self-criticality: Important. Especially for writing. Revise, edit, revise, edit. But one shouldn't get stuck on that, at some point say it is good enough, and give it for others to criticize. And then listen to it, suck it up, and make your work better based on the criticism.
EDIT imagination: I have a bunch of ideas for video games. Some are new, some are just refinement of earlier games but still.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
I like it especially the use of color.
Collete
Member
I'll give you that it does require a bit of imagination (and perhaps good spatial awareness).
Which i do have... Picture? I can imagine it in motion, see patterns/shapes in it... neither doesn't require any effort either. Music? If i like it, it conjures a lot of images in my mind, events... and this doesn't require any effort either.
In this case, the figure (dark brown) is bent backward, and somehow launches the vomit (from its chest) to air, which then spreads due to stormy winds. EDIT the storm clouds look really oppressive, uncomfortably so.
...
Not sure you want to know that...
Feels kinda bad that i have extremely good imagination but i do not have artistic talents. Feels like my imagination gets wasted
I wasn't trying to make this an impressive piece in all honesty. I was just drawing what I felt really. I agree I do need to have some spatial awareness, bare with me I'm teaching myself how to draw, however the wings are intentionally huge on purpose. It's an exaggeration piece I guess, to emphasize faith in it's form of wings. (As for why it's brown...well as I said it's a personal story.) Yeah I still don't see the vomit thing you're seeing...The storm clouds are supposed to look oppressive, that is the point!
Hey, I don't have artistic talent either. Just try to draw an abstract drawing?
I suck too, just attempt at it and see what happens.
Thanks!
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
Alright, my whiny time but I really feel stupid and really do feel like I have nothing to offer. It seems everything I do just gets ignored or people just think I'm completely stupid and they're more than likely right. Everything I do, say or speak seems pointless especially to other people.
I mean, yeah, I understand things like the person above who said Twitter is nonsense but it's not just that. Places like Twitter just make it obvious I have nothing people want. I have nothing to offer whatsoever.
Sometimes you just don't need to feel the need to die because sometimes you already feel dead. It's selfish, I admit, but I'm even disappointed that my friend hasn't contacted me to hang out which he usually does around this time, especially since he won over $1,700. He knows I'm lonely and he knows I've got issues where I live but I feel he's giving up on me and he doesn't really care much anymore. It sucks because he's my only real friend left in town. I did have an offer to move from another friend but there's many problems with that. For one, I don't seem to have much luck when it comes to living with friends. She also has a husband and kids. Most of all, she lives in a very small town of maybe 2,000 people somewhere in Northern California around Mount Shasta. I would fall into a deep depression if I lived in an isolated environment like that with people I don't know.
So I don't know DepressionGAF. I'm going to straight out admit I hate myself. I loathe myself. How I feel about myself is not some self pity. How I feel about myself is how other people have told me. I've been told I'm ugly. I've been told I'm stupid. I've been told that I'm a loser. All that's true. I know it and they know it. I just don't have much in the way of motivation anymore. Just a lot of shit feeling, self-loathing. I'm already killing myself through constant anxiety. I'm weak. I'm really weak. And I just don't know anymore.
I mean, yeah, I understand things like the person above who said Twitter is nonsense but it's not just that. Places like Twitter just make it obvious I have nothing people want. I have nothing to offer whatsoever.
Sometimes you just don't need to feel the need to die because sometimes you already feel dead. It's selfish, I admit, but I'm even disappointed that my friend hasn't contacted me to hang out which he usually does around this time, especially since he won over $1,700. He knows I'm lonely and he knows I've got issues where I live but I feel he's giving up on me and he doesn't really care much anymore. It sucks because he's my only real friend left in town. I did have an offer to move from another friend but there's many problems with that. For one, I don't seem to have much luck when it comes to living with friends. She also has a husband and kids. Most of all, she lives in a very small town of maybe 2,000 people somewhere in Northern California around Mount Shasta. I would fall into a deep depression if I lived in an isolated environment like that with people I don't know.
So I don't know DepressionGAF. I'm going to straight out admit I hate myself. I loathe myself. How I feel about myself is not some self pity. How I feel about myself is how other people have told me. I've been told I'm ugly. I've been told I'm stupid. I've been told that I'm a loser. All that's true. I know it and they know it. I just don't have much in the way of motivation anymore. Just a lot of shit feeling, self-loathing. I'm already killing myself through constant anxiety. I'm weak. I'm really weak. And I just don't know anymore.
SpartanForce
Member
Yeah, 5 months on 200mg Seroquel XR and it's doing nothing, just giving me insomnia, heavy sedation, lovecraftian dreams, weight gain, anger and frustation.
I'm gonna go back to use Abilify 10mg for now (I still have some with me in the house), but what other drugs can I use for my mood problem? I cycle a lot. Please think as Abilify as a temporary med, since I'm gonna use just until I see my pdoc (but I sended a e-mail telling all to him already).
Total disaster on the following:
Saphris
Zyprexa
Invega
Risperdal
...and Seroquel.
Fanapt and Latuda are not available on my country.
I thought about Geodon, but my pdoc don't want to, I thinking of changing pdoc, again.
I'm gonna go back to use Abilify 10mg for now (I still have some with me in the house), but what other drugs can I use for my mood problem? I cycle a lot. Please think as Abilify as a temporary med, since I'm gonna use just until I see my pdoc (but I sended a e-mail telling all to him already).
Total disaster on the following:
Saphris
Zyprexa
Invega
Risperdal
...and Seroquel.
Fanapt and Latuda are not available on my country.
I thought about Geodon, but my pdoc don't want to, I thinking of changing pdoc, again.
Surface of Me
I'm not an NPC. And neither are we.
my family almost never wants me
my friends rarely want me
romantic interests never want me
whats the point in living
my friends rarely want me
romantic interests never want me
whats the point in living
Hey, LiveJournal post incoming, just need to vent.
I finished all my assessment tasks on Tuesday, and felt ridiculously happy. Unfortunately when this happens there is an inevitable backlash where I jump waaay over to the opposite side of the spectrum. I spent all of yesterday feeling anxious as fuck without knowing why, just inescapable bleakness no matter what I try to distract myself with.
To top it off i've been up since 4am because of a nasty Twin Peaks nightmare.
It sounds kind of silly but it was terrifying because of how relevant and livid it was.
I finished all my assessment tasks on Tuesday, and felt ridiculously happy. Unfortunately when this happens there is an inevitable backlash where I jump waaay over to the opposite side of the spectrum. I spent all of yesterday feeling anxious as fuck without knowing why, just inescapable bleakness no matter what I try to distract myself with.
To top it off i've been up since 4am because of a nasty Twin Peaks nightmare.
I dreamt my 'bob' won over my normal self, and I woke up sweating after a first person repeat of the 'how's Annie' scene.
It sounds kind of silly but it was terrifying because of how relevant and livid it was.
AFollowerNotALeader
Member
I am a quiet, anti-social, techy person who is enployed because of specialist technical skills rather than ability to communicate with people (which is limited and anxiety inducing).
TODAY work entails manning a stand at an event.
BONUS inevitable germ/dirt exposure leading to panic attacks IN PUBLIC while setting up stand. Thanks OCD.
TODAY work entails manning a stand at an event.
BONUS inevitable germ/dirt exposure leading to panic attacks IN PUBLIC while setting up stand. Thanks OCD.
Yup, I picture the following exchange:
"Hey, how are you?"
"Not too well, you?"
"The same."
"Ah, OK then. Er... who were you again?"
"MH-GAF member #X. You're MH-GAF member #Y, right?"
"Yes I am."
"OK... Yeah, well... fine."
"Yeah..."
*50 minutes of silence till everyone goes away*
I <3 you guys
On another note, here's a song which I think is an excellent way of starting this morning (funny fact: the song both opens and closes the album it's featured in -On Air, if you have the means to please listen to it, it's a masterpiece-, but the first part is a shorter version that only contains the first verse and chorus, plus sounds of birds and airplanes; this one is the second part.)
I love love love this song, and the ending is truly magical. It's so peaceful, so soothing, so full of hope. The guy knows he's gonna fly and reach his dreams. He doesn't know when, or how. But he's sure that he will. Whatever happens, he'll never give up.
"Blue blue sky" - Alan Parsons
I only know what I can see,
so I imagine what could be
where the horizon cuts the air;
look for me out there.
Someday I'll touch the blue, blue sky.
Someday I'll touch the blue, blue sky.
If I could kiss this earth goodbye
and cruise the never-ending sky.
Where the horizon cuts the air,
wait for me down there.
Someday I'll touch the blue, blue sky.
Someday I'll touch the blue, blue... sky!
Collete
Member
I don't have anything to offer either. I'm a dead beat student living in my parent's house at age of 22 where as engineering people around me are already buying their first house or getting married. But you are unique and you do have something to offer. Writing, being encouraging to other...You have something in you that you have to offer, you have to find it and use it once you do find it.
Eh I don't know. I also got told I'm stupid, I look like a man, I'm ugly, and that I'm a failure because I'm in a psych degree. But you seem knowledgeable from the times I've seen you here and you commented back on my art, bonus points to you! I can't say on ugliness because I never seen you. But even the ugliest person have some physical feature they love about themselves. For me, I like my hands, they actually look like a woman's. It takes a bit of effort to crack the mental barrier where we hate ourselves based on what others think. I don't know where I'm going, but you aren't weak. You're still alive. It means something.
Also a vast improvment than yesterday:
I was watching someone on YouTube doing abstract art and they did a technique using tape and painting over it to look like glass or a prism. That's what I was experimenting with today and I like the result!
Yup, improvement. Can't see vomit no matter how i try.
...
Crystalline vomit?
I'm not serious
Kinda like the piece.
I see my doctor in a few hours for the first time in a while. Despite knowing that I need this and having a great relationship with my doctor, I'm nervous as hell. It's funny how much you can fight getting well. Even when I've gotten things together enough to make the appointment, I have to fight this strong urge to cancel. It's completely irrational!
We're heading home for a wedding this evening. The wedding is whatever, but we'll also be seeing our families, and I'm going to see a concert (the Mountain Goats!), so it should be a nice little trip. I probably won't be here or in chat much until we get back in Tuesday. Shoot me a PM if there's anything I can help you with. Stay as well as possible, guys!
We're heading home for a wedding this evening. The wedding is whatever, but we'll also be seeing our families, and I'm going to see a concert (the Mountain Goats!), so it should be a nice little trip. I probably won't be here or in chat much until we get back in Tuesday. Shoot me a PM if there's anything I can help you with. Stay as well as possible, guys!
ClassyPenguin
Banned
golly gee!
Good luck Bags, hope everything goes amazingly well for you!
Enjoy the show, music is a fantastic thing (don't know the band, I may check some of their songs out later).
If you need anything, don't hesitate to send me a PM as well. The same goes for anyone else too.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
I don't think I do. I'm almost 40 so you'd think I would have found it by now but nope, I haven't which proves all the more to myself I am worthless. I wish I had more friends in the crappy town to rely on so I could get the fuck out of here in the next few days. I really need to get out before I just put a fist through the wall.
Velcro Fly
Member
So my emotionally abusive ex messaged me on facebook on Friday. Messaged me again today and asked if I was ignoring her or something. We aren't friends and haven't spoken in a while. She asked how I was doing and stuff and for whatever reason I responded in a civil manner. I feel some bit of excitement about this for some reason. Last I had heard she was serious with someone but if she's talking to me she probably has some sort of motive behind it. I'm finally moving past all the drama and crap from her and she's coming around again. And on top of that I'm actually excited to hear back from her. I don't get myself sometimes ._.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
This describes me.
Another reason why i hate being alone, in addition to what i said earlier:
I'm paranoid i lose my keys, or forget them, when i go outside.
EDIT i mean, it is not fun at all, to worry about whether i have keys or not when i'm outside. Not sure what i'd do if i forget or lose them, can't get another key quickly from anywhere.
I'm paranoid i lose my keys, or forget them, when i go outside.
EDIT i mean, it is not fun at all, to worry about whether i have keys or not when i'm outside. Not sure what i'd do if i forget or lose them, can't get another key quickly from anywhere.
Agent Cooper
Member
i will fight you
What's up? I'll be home in an hour-ish if you wanna talk.
A final update as we hit the road. I was, of course, nervous for nothing. I'm starting Parnate - an MAOI. I need to get used to some dietary restrictions, but I'm optimistic. I also received klonopin for my out of control anxiety. Klonopin brings put mushy Bagels, so expect a few posts about how much I love all of you!
I ran into 3 friends at the pharmacy and they could not have been more awesome. One tackle-hugged me, even, it's a nice reminder that I am loved. Also, I am crazy for avoiding my friends and doctor.
I want to thank Swecide and MikeDip in chat in talking me through my anxiety about getting help. I love you both. And thanks to Trinn for her unwavering support, merciless teasing, and ability to make me laugh no matter how down I get. Platonic <3. Guys, lean on her to come visit me in Maine in July!
It swill be amazing to meet one of you guys, especially one who has become so close to me in such a tiny span of time.she brings out a better me than I could muster on my own.
Hopefully things are looking up! I have a new idea to launch this week - stay tuned!
There may be some live blogging of the wedding I'm stitch attending! I expect AgentCooper, promoted to deputy Bagels for Puns, to carry on my work in the thread.
I love you all, I'm still reading everything, but responding less. l will change that during the trip! And I can't wait to come home to more Animal Crossing. We have a google doc of friend codes - just ask in chat! I did put up a "Pau Penis Free Zone" sign, so I can't wait for her to experience it. So far I have my "body by Swe" shirt, banners for Pau and Pau's gorgeous bf, an "I <3 Mike" shirt, designed by MikeDip, my Trinn knit cap, a custom "Just the dip" banner, and more to come.
Sincere thanks for all who come by to chat to fool around. You guys keep me going. No hyperbole! We're kindred spirits.
Keep being awesome!
(Edited for phone keyboard typos! Also, clearly had taken a klonopin - I get more heart on sleeve than usual!)
I ran into 3 friends at the pharmacy and they could not have been more awesome. One tackle-hugged me, even, it's a nice reminder that I am loved. Also, I am crazy for avoiding my friends and doctor.
I want to thank Swecide and MikeDip in chat in talking me through my anxiety about getting help. I love you both. And thanks to Trinn for her unwavering support, merciless teasing, and ability to make me laugh no matter how down I get. Platonic <3. Guys, lean on her to come visit me in Maine in July!
It swill be amazing to meet one of you guys, especially one who has become so close to me in such a tiny span of time.she brings out a better me than I could muster on my own.Hopefully things are looking up! I have a new idea to launch this week - stay tuned!
There may be some live blogging of the wedding I'm stitch attending! I expect AgentCooper, promoted to deputy Bagels for Puns, to carry on my work in the thread.
I love you all, I'm still reading everything, but responding less. l will change that during the trip! And I can't wait to come home to more Animal Crossing. We have a google doc of friend codes - just ask in chat! I did put up a "Pau Penis Free Zone" sign, so I can't wait for her to experience it. So far I have my "body by Swe" shirt, banners for Pau and Pau's gorgeous bf, an "I <3 Mike" shirt, designed by MikeDip, my Trinn knit cap, a custom "Just the dip" banner, and more to come.
Sincere thanks for all who come by to chat to fool around. You guys keep me going. No hyperbole! We're kindred spirits.
Keep being awesome!
(Edited for phone keyboard typos! Also, clearly had taken a klonopin - I get more heart on sleeve than usual!)
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
WOW FUCK ME.... SERIOUSLY FUCK ME!!!!
I just had a situation here which nearly caused me a nervous breakdown. Don't want to get much into it except to say I have a dog (not actually my dog, but I'm her "secondary" owner) that has been urinating all over the floor and now in a bed. I love the dog and I really don't blame the dog so much as her "primary" owner. Needless to say, I had to all sorts cleaning and now laundry.
Now, Internet wants to be an ass to me. I keep having issues with Shockwave crashing all the time in the last day or two. Fucking just happened when I got back after cleaning after the dog and oh yeah, thanks Twitter.... I just made my first animated GIF in literally almost a decade and for such a small, shitty feat I actually feel proud of myself and guess what.... Twitter shitbucket won't let me upload the fucking thing. Fuck you, Twitter and fuck you too Facebook! Only social media bullshit site I like now is Tumblr.
Fuck, I'm pissed over little shit but fuck things I can't ever seem to do anything right. On top, I haven't heard from my "friend". I just took some shit and about at least 2x the amount of NyQuil to calm down.
All I want is some stupid fucking doctor to just prescribe me Xanax or Ativan. Fuck you and your Benzo policies, SNAMH! You know what!? I have real clear severe anxiety, OCD, ADD, depression, etc and they give my friend.... who is naturally calm as shit.... a prescription for Xanax because his blood pressure was a bit high because he's a fucking alcoholic. Fuck me.
(SNAMH is Southern Nevada Adult Mental Health btw)
I just had a situation here which nearly caused me a nervous breakdown. Don't want to get much into it except to say I have a dog (not actually my dog, but I'm her "secondary" owner) that has been urinating all over the floor and now in a bed. I love the dog and I really don't blame the dog so much as her "primary" owner. Needless to say, I had to all sorts cleaning and now laundry.
Now, Internet wants to be an ass to me. I keep having issues with Shockwave crashing all the time in the last day or two. Fucking just happened when I got back after cleaning after the dog and oh yeah, thanks Twitter.... I just made my first animated GIF in literally almost a decade and for such a small, shitty feat I actually feel proud of myself and guess what.... Twitter shitbucket won't let me upload the fucking thing. Fuck you, Twitter and fuck you too Facebook! Only social media bullshit site I like now is Tumblr.
Fuck, I'm pissed over little shit but fuck things I can't ever seem to do anything right. On top, I haven't heard from my "friend". I just took some shit and about at least 2x the amount of NyQuil to calm down.
All I want is some stupid fucking doctor to just prescribe me Xanax or Ativan. Fuck you and your Benzo policies, SNAMH! You know what!? I have real clear severe anxiety, OCD, ADD, depression, etc and they give my friend.... who is naturally calm as shit.... a prescription for Xanax because his blood pressure was a bit high because he's a fucking alcoholic. Fuck me.
(SNAMH is Southern Nevada Adult Mental Health btw)
SpartanForce
Member
Comparing with the amount of first world problems posts here, I think I'm doing fine imho.
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