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Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
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I survived yet another midsummers eve. All is good I guess, at least it should be.
Incoherent thoughts and everything at once right now, this must be how it feels to be drunk, or high or something. I wouldn't know I don't do that kind of thing. This nausea I'm feeling after watching the stream is annoying. I don't know what has happened to me lately, I never had trouble with motion sickness before and now I can't even play a FPS. The lack of sleep tonight combines everything together in a beautiful crafted mess. I want to stay in this state forever.
Incoherent thoughts and everything at once right now, this must be how it feels to be drunk, or high or something. I wouldn't know I don't do that kind of thing. This nausea I'm feeling after watching the stream is annoying. I don't know what has happened to me lately, I never had trouble with motion sickness before and now I can't even play a FPS. The lack of sleep tonight combines everything together in a beautiful crafted mess. I want to stay in this state forever.
Still having your Dreilide Thrace Sonata on repeat, great stuff!
Likewise, felt a bit rusty with new interactions, so I may have been talking a lot of nonsense. And don't worry, you didn't embarrass yourself at all. Thanks to you and everyone else for making my first appearance a positive one!
Aw... Thank you! I really appreciate that!
That's right, everyone! If you want to hear me perform Bear McCreary on a piano, here's your link! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HPbiSb1QaM
(I'm shameless.)
It was a pleasure chatting with you! For a while there, it was just you and me.
It's always great to see new people in chat! We talk about serious stuff (or use IRC PMs), but if you just stumble in, it can be a bit...odd. For me, laughter is the best stay against depression, so that's a lot of what I want out of chat.
Sorry to keep plugging it, but I'll be in Maine June 30-July 13, with no Internet access (small island with no electricity (for the most part) crap cell reception, and I just kind of savor being unplugged anyway). It will be all kinds of wonderful, but I'll miss you guys so much! So, again, PM me your address and I'll write to you! I'll even send the address where you can reach me! Prax can tell you that we've written to each other and neither of us has been murdered! So it's all on the up-and-up! I'm the sappiest letter writer on earth, so if you want a written document explaining how much you mean to me, here's your chance!
If we don't know each other so well, ask some questions, or something you need advice on. I can relax on the porch, watch the ocean, and think deep thoughts for you.
Sorry to keep plugging it, but I'll be in Maine June 30-July 13, with no Internet access (small island with no electricity (for the most part) crap cell reception, and I just kind of savor being unplugged anyway). It will be all kinds of wonderful, but I'll miss you guys so much! So, again, PM me your address and I'll write to you! I'll even send the address where you can reach me! Prax can tell you that we've written to each other and neither of us has been murdered! So it's all on the up-and-up! I'm the sappiest letter writer on earth, so if you want a written document explaining how much you mean to me, here's your chance!
If we don't know each other so well, ask some questions, or something you need advice on. I can relax on the porch, watch the ocean, and think deep thoughts for you.
I read every post here.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
I tried to kill myself again. Not sure how I am alive. I'm not in danger now so I guess I am ok.
MisterLuffy
Member
Two weeks ago I had my orientation at a college I'm transferring. I noticed on my computer science class requirements, I have to take Physics with Calculus I and Calculus II. I was kind of upset because I failed general physics. There is no way I could pass those class, ever. My second issue is listening. Whenever I listened to people talking, few seconds later I don't recall what they've just said. I can pretty much easily forget anything that's been given to me in words. As if my brain is rejecting them.
My last issue is finding words in what I want to say. Two days ago, I called a pharmacy about my medication I need get and asked if they give it to me for free since I have insurance. I was upset because I didn't know what I wanted to ask. My mind was blank. Sigh. I feel like these kind of issues will affect me later. I hate being this way. It sucks. No matter what advices are been given to me, it won't work because of me and my laziness. All I feel in myself is giving up. I've said this to myself, and I'll say it again, it sucks to be me.
My last issue is finding words in what I want to say. Two days ago, I called a pharmacy about my medication I need get and asked if they give it to me for free since I have insurance. I was upset because I didn't know what I wanted to ask. My mind was blank. Sigh. I feel like these kind of issues will affect me later. I hate being this way. It sucks. No matter what advices are been given to me, it won't work because of me and my laziness. All I feel in myself is giving up. I've said this to myself, and I'll say it again, it sucks to be me.
ThisWreckage
Banned
I've been sleeping up to 22 hours a day. I really don't have a connection with anyone. My family, my coworkers, my friends, etc. are all alien to me. What killed me was when I realized that I am the one who is alien. It hurts me very much so when I'm honest with myself. I've never shied away from such a thing so I'm in perpetual pain. I've realized that I have a worth, but it's a worth that no one actually cares about. I'm a cheap novelty at best.
I feel like that a lot, too...
I really can't say, and I ask community members that know more to not either.
I shouldn't bitch about it, here of all places, but I've been running out of ways to cope lately until things get sorted out for the better. Thx for caring <3 lol
User 100115
Banned
I am mum.
Is it the politics or people of the workplace that is getting to you or just the stress in general? Sorry it's being shitty
Collete
Member
That's the point! And a good thing when my drawings bring out emotion!
Today I went out to town for the first time in half a year or more I think. I dressed up pretty nice I think. Oh darn I just realize I should have taken a picture for photo week, but there wasn't much to take pictures...But I went to the mall, walked around, bought some candles...Then went to Whole Foods for lunch and for a change didn't get Black Magic Cake and got three french macaroons to be a bit adventurous. It didn't taste how I expected...Think it's an acquired taste, wasn't a fan of it. But I had some nice inari and summer rolls and bought a few things. I have plans to go out again next Saturday so yey.
Still the whole time I was out I was thinking of things that got me down...But I still driven pretty decently for someone's who's a passive sissy driver. When I got home, got a message from an acquaintance rooting for me. So yeah...Nice day today. Also got my Kava Kava and took a pill. Not sure if I'm feeling the effects or not.
When I first started to really have mental health problems in 2003, I started working on this composition for voice and piano. Eventually, I shelved it for a while but every time I have an episode, it comes back out of the shelf and I write a few measures. Last week, it came out again and I started writing. At one point, I decided I didn't care for a section so I took out another sheet of manuscript paper and transferred everything from the first onto the second, without that section so now I have two pages with almost identical music. I figure if I find a way to combine them together, I'll have a super piece! Or something...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that our best work can come from the darkest of places. Or even the happiest places.
And there's this, probably not my finest work but the sentiment is genuine:
Finished high school yesterday with my last exam (chemistry), and now I'm sure my university acceptance will be retracted. Failed calculus (5/8 pages blank); completely messed up French (did not know what to study, and barely understood what I was reading, and didn't know most of the grammar stuff); biology was okay at best; chemistry was just terrible; lord knows if I even passed. This has been a terrible year for me school-wise.
On top of that, I've been considering cancelling my University of Toronto Scarborough acceptance for a BA in health studies, for a BSc at York University for biomedical science (I'm not even sure I'd be able to handle the stress). But now who knows if my marks are good enough for York or UTSC? (Sad considering York has the reputation of accepting everyone. Unofficial motto is "If you can hold a fork, you can go to York.") Ugh, so worried about school.
Life in general isn't that good either. I'm broke and I have no job, and it seems nowhere wants to hire anyone anymore. Parents are putting a lot of stress on me finding a job right now and I just don't have the motivation to do anything. I feel so exhausted/burnt out. Life is too hard, and I don't even have it as bad as many others do, which makes me feel worse about myself.
On top of that, I've been considering cancelling my University of Toronto Scarborough acceptance for a BA in health studies, for a BSc at York University for biomedical science (I'm not even sure I'd be able to handle the stress). But now who knows if my marks are good enough for York or UTSC? (Sad considering York has the reputation of accepting everyone. Unofficial motto is "If you can hold a fork, you can go to York.") Ugh, so worried about school.
Life in general isn't that good either. I'm broke and I have no job, and it seems nowhere wants to hire anyone anymore. Parents are putting a lot of stress on me finding a job right now and I just don't have the motivation to do anything. I feel so exhausted/burnt out. Life is too hard, and I don't even have it as bad as many others do, which makes me feel worse about myself.
When I first started to really have mental health problems in 2003, I started working on this composition for voice and piano. Eventually, I shelved it for a while but every time I have an episode, it comes back out of the shelf and I write a few measures. Last week, it came out again and I started writing. At one point, I decided I didn't care for a section so I took out another sheet of manuscript paper and transferred everything from the first onto the second, without that section so now I have two pages with almost identical music. I figure if I find a way to combine them together, I'll have a super piece! Or something...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that our best work can come from the darkest of places. Or even the happiest places.
And there's this, probably not my finest work but the sentiment is genuine:
I totally get what you're saying! I always describe Nick Drake's album, "Pink Moon," as my favorite work of art "about" depression, precisely because he managed to take his pain and make something so beautiful from it.
Pink Moon
And more photos!
My friend fills it with water then blows in the other end.
EVIL! ... although it makes for a compelling picture. Is that your son?
(Listening to Pink Moon now, out of curiosity.)
scar tissue
Banned
If you think you look fine, that's a start. Now you just need to feel that you look fine.
I'm skinny as hell, and I'm not satisfied either. Women want a somewhat muscular guy, not someone who's barely stronger than them :-/
Personally, I'd rather be overweight, because skipping meals and doing cardio is really easy for me.
Bulking up is extremely hard.
Bottom line: grass is always greener on the other side.
That is indeed mini-bagels!
I love this one Oomi! Great work.
jb1234 that seems to be absolutely true. It's why I joke that Trent Reznor's marriage should fall apart so he would produce another rage filled album. Of course I don't actually wish that upon him, I'm happy for him and he's still doing awesome work.
Also that looks like one of those water noodles with water in it. Those are some nice pictures.
This Nick Drake album is very nice.
I love the same oomi painting. It reminds me of sunsets in Maine (I'll shut up about it at some point!).
Read the wikipedia on Pink Moon. Basically, and you can hear this in his singing, Nick Drake was so depressed he could barely talk. He recorded the album alone over two midnight sessions, by himself. But it could not be more beautiful, and there's just this tiny hopeful note in it. I adore it.
User 100115
Banned
Love the paintings as always Oomi!
So a conversation in chat with Mike and Humbugs (and confused Bagels) sparked me wanting to get back into an old hobby:
Though humbugs might not remember the conversation that well
Hopefully I'll have an actual piece started soon and will post updates
So a conversation in chat with Mike and Humbugs (and confused Bagels) sparked me wanting to get back into an old hobby:
Though humbugs might not remember the conversation that well
Hopefully I'll have an actual piece started soon and will post updates
Love the paintings as always Oomi!
So a conversation in chat with Mike and Humbugs (and confused Bagels) sparked me wanting to get back into an old hobby:
Though humbugs might not remember the conversation that well
Hopefully I'll have an actual piece started soon and will post updates
I can't wait to see progress and the finished product! Man that is so amazing.
Collete
Member
Thanks for the compliments guys!
Also I realize it takes a bit for the Kava Kava to work. Took 3 pills in total and got a lot out of the relaxation effect. I still feel depressed but I'm unable to actually have enough emotion to actually express it. So in all, my mood through out today has been "not give a fuck" mood. It feels a bit bleh because I can't express my sadness now...But I guess it beats drowning myself in tears and locking myself up in a dark room, eh?....
toadsworth
Banned
Just another one of those days where i feel like the only person in the world...
Good thing i have beer and loud music, i guess
Good thing i have beer and loud music, i guess
User 100115
Banned
Nice, look forward to it!
Some great pics in here and those are lovely Oomi.
And all I remember, Fiction, is that Mike was going to heal a chainmail-clad riding-crop weilding Penguin Necromancer. Meanwhile bgls was of no real use.
Also something something larping
Geez I'm not that big of a boozer - I was rather un-drinky that time Ill have you know - its been a rough week
I didn't remember which night we had the conversation!
Here are a couple of pics for Bags' photo week. I took them a little over a week ago, on a foggy morning on my way to work. Both are from the same park that's in front of my home, but each one was taken from a different side.
Of course, I can't begin to compare them to some of the great stuff I've seen posted here so far, but I still wanted to share them.
Of course, I can't begin to compare them to some of the great stuff I've seen posted here so far, but I still wanted to share them.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
The Grim Heaper
Member
I just want to let loose a little and just vent for a second, figured this would be the best place to try it, aye?
I don't know what's wrong with me. I live an okay life, under the radar, but I feel there's so much holding me down. I started taking antidepressants a few months ago, 10mg of lexapro, and it worked great but now I feel like I'm falling back into a depression again and I don't get why. I'm finally coming into my own and telling other people about myself, what's wrong with me and everything, and I thought it was going great. Maybe it really isn't...
I lose interest in doing the things I love, unless it really captivates me. I love watching anime and playing games, but lately I just can't get into much. The last show I was really excited for week to week was JoJo's Bizarre Adventure since it was so great and, thankfully, I've been playing Animal Crossing a whole lot. But it's still... not enough. I say I want to do things, play or watch or go somewhere, but I never get motivated to do it and then hours pass and... nothing got done. I sat at my computer. And did nothing.
I'm an emotional person, very emotional at that. Little things offend me that really shouldn't whether it be a joke or not. And then I wallow in self-pity all alone because I can't ever gather my feelings correctly and actually fucking talk to ANYONE about it. I guess the closest I get to doing that is talking to one of my best friends(on GAF, but I consider him a best friend period), Monosukoi. We share the same tastes, we have the same sense of humor, we have the same insecurities, even. We both care about each other a whole lot, and so I feel comfortable dumping my life story on him as he does to me.
But that's... just not enough. I feel there's so much more I have to be depressed about, but there's just nothing. Nothing. I sit here and get emotional over what is essentially: anxiety, stress, and out of whack emotions. Why do I just sit here, all alone, over what is basically nothing. Other people have it worse than I do. I'm just a shithead that feels bad for himself.
I don't have thoughts of suicide, so at least that's good. I realize how bad of a move that is and I know how good of a human being I am. I can't think of anyone that dislikes me, people always mention how I'm good looking, and I'm pretty smart(although lazy and unmotivated, sigh). So why do I think like this? I don't... get it.
This is a little out of character for me as well, lol. I'll go back to being chipper tomorrow, probably!
I don't know what's wrong with me. I live an okay life, under the radar, but I feel there's so much holding me down. I started taking antidepressants a few months ago, 10mg of lexapro, and it worked great but now I feel like I'm falling back into a depression again and I don't get why. I'm finally coming into my own and telling other people about myself, what's wrong with me and everything, and I thought it was going great. Maybe it really isn't...
I lose interest in doing the things I love, unless it really captivates me. I love watching anime and playing games, but lately I just can't get into much. The last show I was really excited for week to week was JoJo's Bizarre Adventure since it was so great and, thankfully, I've been playing Animal Crossing a whole lot. But it's still... not enough. I say I want to do things, play or watch or go somewhere, but I never get motivated to do it and then hours pass and... nothing got done. I sat at my computer. And did nothing.
I'm an emotional person, very emotional at that. Little things offend me that really shouldn't whether it be a joke or not. And then I wallow in self-pity all alone because I can't ever gather my feelings correctly and actually fucking talk to ANYONE about it. I guess the closest I get to doing that is talking to one of my best friends(on GAF, but I consider him a best friend period), Monosukoi. We share the same tastes, we have the same sense of humor, we have the same insecurities, even. We both care about each other a whole lot, and so I feel comfortable dumping my life story on him as he does to me.
But that's... just not enough. I feel there's so much more I have to be depressed about, but there's just nothing. Nothing. I sit here and get emotional over what is essentially: anxiety, stress, and out of whack emotions. Why do I just sit here, all alone, over what is basically nothing. Other people have it worse than I do. I'm just a shithead that feels bad for himself.
I don't have thoughts of suicide, so at least that's good. I realize how bad of a move that is and I know how good of a human being I am. I can't think of anyone that dislikes me, people always mention how I'm good looking, and I'm pretty smart(although lazy and unmotivated, sigh). So why do I think like this? I don't... get it.
This is a little out of character for me as well, lol. I'll go back to being chipper tomorrow, probably!
smokeandmirrors
Banned
Work seriously has me super stressed, to the point that I just want to up and quit. It's just a dumb retail job, but what was supposed to be a part time job of about 20 hours a week turned to a full time job and I have so much shit going on that I really can't do 40, but my manager keeps on insisting because we have no one else to work and I guess I'm the only one who knows what the fuck I'm doing, but my requests for reduction of hours goes unheeded and it's really pissing me off.
And all I had planned on doing was a few days a week at work with the rest of the time spent doing development things to pad my resume so I can get out of retail hell...
I'm just tired all the time. I dread going into work. I dread having to deal with people.
I'm pretty much going to go in on my next day and tell my manager the first of August is my last day. Gives me a whole month to get my shit together before the semester starts again. If I have to, I'll take an extra 2-3k in student loans to cover living because I seriously cannot take working there anymore. I work all day, come home, and don't feel like doing anything whatsoever, and on my days off, I just sleep all day :\.
(and I am working on updating my resume so I'm not necessarily sitting around doing nothing)
And all I had planned on doing was a few days a week at work with the rest of the time spent doing development things to pad my resume so I can get out of retail hell...
I'm just tired all the time. I dread going into work. I dread having to deal with people.
I'm pretty much going to go in on my next day and tell my manager the first of August is my last day. Gives me a whole month to get my shit together before the semester starts again. If I have to, I'll take an extra 2-3k in student loans to cover living because I seriously cannot take working there anymore. I work all day, come home, and don't feel like doing anything whatsoever, and on my days off, I just sleep all day :\.
(and I am working on updating my resume so I'm not necessarily sitting around doing nothing)
User 100115
Banned
I can still do it! Now to start on an actual piece.
Based on my knowledge of female character design in video games, whatever piece of armor that is, it's already more than done.
I just bought a chain mail bracelet at a reinissance festival! The chainmail and aluminum "scale mail" bikini tops were too expensive to consider but were really neat.
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