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[Velcro Fly]

Life has been really weird for me lately.

First, I go to Disney World with my friend and manage to have a great time without feeling guilty about it.

Next, while still there, my ex randomly messages me on facebook wanting to see how I was doing and stuff. This is the emotionally abusive ex, mind you. Was a little worried about this but it's worked out well so far. Being able to talk to her has made me realize how much of my energy I was wasting feeling guilty about blowing off this other girl that I was sorta talking to right when things were ending with my ex. I mean I've felt guilty for 3 years and this other girl hasn't looked back. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Finally, there is talking to my ex. It's so weird how after not talking for almost 18 months we can just go right back to being good friends and telling each other things and being able to have deep conversations about things. It's great because there is zero expectations from either of us. She's seeing someone and it's apparently serious and I'd really rather not go down that road again anyway. But I've been able to forgive her and forgive myself in the process. It's been an all around healthy experience when really talking to your ex normally isn't. I'm glad she reached out to me even though at the time I was really freaked out about it.

I think in a lot of ways the past couple weeks have done wonders for the bad feelings I've held in for so long. I can finally let go of the past instead of torturing myself with it.

 

[Lonely1]

I need to get involved with DepressionGAF more. I feel like such an outcast now. ;.;

We should form a club of DepressionGAF Outcasts!

 

[ClassyPenguin]

I am so goddam alone.

I wish could believe in god and all that, that would really take a load off it I just can't. I never did believe, even in Santa Claus.

 

[kiyomi]

I just want to let loose a little and just vent for a second, figured this would be the best place to try it, aye?

I don't know what's wrong with me. I live an okay life, under the radar, but I feel there's so much holding me down. I started taking antidepressants a few months ago, 10mg of lexapro, and it worked great but now I feel like I'm falling back into a depression again and I don't get why. I'm finally coming into my own and telling other people about myself, what's wrong with me and everything, and I thought it was going great. Maybe it really isn't...

I lose interest in doing the things I love, unless it really captivates me. I love watching anime and playing games, but lately I just can't get into much. The last show I was really excited for week to week was JoJo's Bizarre Adventure since it was so great and, thankfully, I've been playing Animal Crossing a whole lot. But it's still... not enough. I say I want to do things, play or watch or go somewhere, but I never get motivated to do it and then hours pass and... nothing got done. I sat at my computer. And did nothing.

I'm an emotional person, very emotional at that. Little things offend me that really shouldn't whether it be a joke or not. And then I wallow in self-pity all alone because I can't ever gather my feelings correctly and actually fucking talk to ANYONE about it. I guess the closest I get to doing that is talking to one of my best friends(on GAF, but I consider him a best friend period), Monosukoi. We share the same tastes, we have the same sense of humor, we have the same insecurities, even. We both care about each other a whole lot, and so I feel comfortable dumping my life story on him as he does to me.

But that's... just not enough. I feel there's so much more I have to be depressed about, but there's just nothing. Nothing. I sit here and get emotional over what is essentially: anxiety, stress, and out of whack emotions. Why do I just sit here, all alone, over what is basically nothing. Other people have it worse than I do. I'm just a shithead that feels bad for himself.

I don't have thoughts of suicide, so at least that's good. I realize how bad of a move that is and I know how good of a human being I am. I can't think of anyone that dislikes me, people always mention how I'm good looking, and I'm pretty smart(although lazy and unmotivated, sigh). So why do I think like this? I don't... get it.

This is a little out of character for me as well, lol. I'll go back to being chipper tomorrow, probably!

We talk about this a lot together, but it tears me apart to see you like this. You always present yourself as such a positive, easy going guy and I've always believed that that is the "true you", and I think that is the person you really want to be, and are. That's the guy everyone here loves. Yet clearly you've recently started to slide back into something you don't want to be in, and I only wish I could do more to help you. As you know, I'm no expert on the medication you're on right now, but I don't think a discussion with your doctor about it would be a bad move. Perhaps there is something he can do for you. I know for a fact that there are people here in this thread way more clued in on how that stuff works as well. Don't be afraid to ask people here for help. Hell, if you want to do it through me then I can act as a relay for you if you don't feel comfortable asking.

Wanting to do things and not getting them done is one of the lousiest feelings around. You get up, start thinking about doing something, and then everything else overwhelms you. That's how it works for me, at least, and I sense it's probably similar to you as well, judging by what we've said in the past. One little thing goes wrong beforehand, it can be the most trivial tiny thing in your house even, and then, the desire is gone, and it's taken over by everything else your mind was putting on the backburner. And then your day is gone. It's horrible, and I wish I could tell you how to stop it, but I can't. Perhaps the only thing you can do is just doing very very tiny things at first before moving upwards in increments towards something you'd like to. Maybe you do something really small, but also productive and then as a reward, give yourself 20 minutes to watch anime instead of doing neither, and then feeling like crap afterwards. I'll try it too.

The fact that you're so emotional is hard, and it's another trait we both share, we both let ourselves ride very high when we're happy about something, but then we're also emotional wrecks the moment somene says something that we take the wrong way! Of course, it proves that you care a whole lot about people, and that's great, but it also means you rip yourself to shreds when things don't go your way, and the wallowing you speak of is something my own brain can attest to as well. Again, I don't know a cure for it right now, since I'm equally as consumed by my own pity. Gathering your feelings is hard, and I know from what you've told me that it's not something you're accustomed to. There's absolutely no shame in that, and if it's any consolation, I think you're getting way better at opening up, and I think it's a positive thing to do, even if it terrifies you to acknowledge these feelings yourself, even if it terrifies you to know that other people are aware of what you're going through right now. People want to help you, and if you let them, they will.

I'm flattered you would even think of me while going through this right now, and you're already aware of what I think of you, but I'll keep on saying it for as long as I need to : you're my best friend, and I will do as much as I possibly can to help you. I'm just sorry we're in such different timezones that it's hard logistically for me to talk to you as much as I would usually like. Don't think of it as 'dumping' your life story on me. We're completely open and at no point will I ever consider what you say to me a burden or a hardship. I'm proud to know you as I do. Heck, we should get round to actually talking, so you can hear my dopey English voice! I know you'll find it completely hilarious!

You are a great person, I really believe in that. You've already done so much for me and I know you do so much for others too. But at the same time, I think I would speak for everyone who'd call themselves your friend, I don't want you to care about others so much that you just ignore yourself. You are incredibly important to me and to a lot of people, and all I or anyone wants is to see the happy, chipper and downright awesome Grim that we know and love. You will make it through this bad period, and I'm (we're) there for you every step of the way. You did really well to post this on what was obviously a tough day for you. Keep going.

 

[Collete]

I am so goddam alone.

I wish could believe in god and all that, that would really take a load off it I just can't. I never did believe, even in Santa Claus.

*hugs*
I'm alone too...Let's be alone together.

I believe in God, but depression doesn't make it any better at times.
You start to doubt if he exists, and even if he does exist, he must be a cruel person to give you or I this damn disease.
I guess I'm not that good of a religious person to doubt like that, but I blame depression for that whom makes me doubt everything of life, not just religion.
The only thing that makes me still believe is I had my own experiences where I literally can't explain it to anyone. It just happened without any logical explanation. I don't really want to talk about it, but it got me to start believing.

If you do want to start believing though, try praying some time. That's when all these things happened to me. Can't guarantee anything will happen, but who knows? It might help ease your mind a little..

Spoiler

also this post wasn't meant to offend anyone who's sensitive about religion...sorry.

Also last minute drew this last night: (I wonder if there's a charm to 20 minute abstract art...)

Stained Glass

 

[Sqrt_minus_one]

^

That painting just became my new desktop wall paper thanks Ooomi. Loving the colours.

 

[Collete]

^

That painting just became my new desktop wall paper thanks Ooomi. Loving the colours.

Really? Awesome!
Thanks the colors are pretty basic though. I see a face in the yellow blob a little when I was done spreading.
So I named it Stained Glass inspired by churches and stuff.

 

[Sqrt_minus_one]

Really? Awesome!
Thanks the colors are pretty basic though. I see a face in the yellow blob a little when I was done spreading.
So I named it Stained Glass inspired by churches and stuff.

Yeah I can see why it's inspired by Churches been in my fair share of those.

Yes it is indeed my new wallpaper replacing my old wallpaper of freakazoid, I like the use of the basic colour and the bold contrast of the primary colours with each other and the black. I can also kind of pick out what I think is your impression of a sun ray shining through the stained glass.

Crap on a stick I sound like an art critic, to put it in a less snobbish way, I like fairly basic but colourful items it just kinda reminds me that there is such a lot of variety in life and dont get bogged down on things - you know try and be happy.

 

[Freeza Under The Shower]

I am so goddam alone.

I wish could believe in god and all that, that would really take a load off it I just can't. I never did believe, even in Santa Claus.

Embracing a form a socially induced madness has never solved any problems as far as I can tell. It has created quite a few though.

btw, meetup.com might be a solution for finding like-minded people.

 

[jb1234]

I am so goddam alone.

I wish could believe in god and all that, that would really take a load off it I just can't. I never did believe, even in Santa Claus.

Yeah, I understand. I'm not religious but I've been going up to the roof of my building and yelling at God every evening anyway. It's weirdly therapeutic. Still wish I believed though. At least then, I could be comforted by the thought that everything happening to me is part of a plan.

 

[Lonely1]

My anxiety is through the roof right now. I can fell it all over my body, pressuring my chest and almost paralyzing my arms. In about I week I have to present a year worth of work at an International conference, without none I know present to cheer me up. This is the first time that I present myself at an international audience, and also the first time that I do so as a researcher, not as an student... and I'm not confident, I'm not confident on the quality of my work and my results. I'm so anxious right now that arms as trembling.

What can I do, GAF? Increase my daily dose of Clonazepam? But at least I forgot about my loneliness...

Embracing a form a socially induced madness has never solved any problems as far as I can tell. It has created quite a few though.

Plz, don't do this. Some of us are religious and can take offense over such comments.

Stained Glass

Is it wrong if I see a butterfly wing in your drawing?

 

[Collete]

Plz, don't do this. Some of us are religious and can take offense over such comments.

Is it wrong if I see a butterfly wing in your drawing?

Thank you for saying that...I wasn't sure if I should say anything against that comment. But it did offend me a bit...

And no, it's not wrong at all!

 

[revolverjgw]

Yeah, I understand. I'm not religious but I've been going up to the roof of my building and yelling at God every evening anyway. It's weirdly therapeutic. Still wish I believed though. At least then, I could be comforted by the thought that everything happening to me is part of a plan.

Man, I wish I had a place I could go to just yell shit.

 

[Collete]

Now I feel loneliness...It catches on huh....*sigh*

 

[Bagels]

I need to get involved with DepressionGAF more. I feel like such an outcast now. ;.;

You're not an outcast! You're WilsonGT! You're the Watson to my Sherlock, only without the broiling gay subtext.*


*There is a simmering gay subtext, let's be honest.


Lonely1, you can be part of this metaphor, but you'll have to be Sherlock's dog or something.

How much Klonopin do you take now? If you're used to it AND you know how it will affect you, it might be reasonable to add 0.5 or .25 (mine are .5, but scored down the middle). 0.5 once or twice a day is what I use for short stretches when I can't control my anxiety. 1.0 will calm a panic attack, but it leaves me pretty loopy. And outside of really bad panic, it makes me noticeably goofy.

When I talked about melatonin before, some of the same ideas apply. We expect medications to work like magic at times - like whatever we do, the pills will fix it. I think this is especially true of anxiolytics. In a sense, they are pretty magical - the calming, relaxing effect is rapid and can be quite profound. But people seem to choose medicine OR behavioral methods, instead of doing both. Sometimes, you take a pill because you have to do something that stresses you out like nuts - flying in a plane, overcoming severe social anxiety, etc - that you have to do. Other times, you're doing stuff that stresses you out, so you'll take the pill but then just keep on doing the stressful thing.

It works best if, when you're really feeling the stress, and you need the klonopin, you step away from what you're doing, go someplace quiet, have a tea (green tea has some natural calming properties), listen to something soothing. Then, when it all kicks in, you can think a bit about why you were so stressed out, if you can not let it bother you so much by thinking about things in a different way, or better organizing your stuff, or whatever.

 

[Bagels]

Embracing a form a socially induced madness has never solved any problems as far as I can tell.

Well keep looking and get back to us! Take your time!

 

[jb1234]

Man, I wish I had a place I could go to just yell shit.

Well, I'm exaggerating. It's more like snarling under my breath. It's still the evening and in the middle of a big city.

*There is a simmering gay subtext, let's be honest.

Didn't we establish this already?

 

[Lonely1]

Now I feel loneliness...It catches on huh....*sigh*

My bad

 

[Wilsongt]

You're not an outcast! You're WilsonGT! You're the Watson to my Sherlock, only without the broiling gay subtext.*


*There is a simmering gay subtext, let's be honest.

I'll totally be the one to turn Bagels quasi-gay. =P

 

[Collete]

My bad

No it's not your fault...
My fault for being such a failure...I try to make myself happy...I can't even do that...

 

[Xun]

I fucking hate Sunday afternoon/evening.

Knowing I have 5 days of work ahead of me is just upsetting, even more so considering I've not done everything I have wanted to this weekend.

I just can't get motivated, and I'm not sure how I can get over it.

 

[RionaaM]

I fucking hate Sunday afternoon/evening.

Knowing I have 5 days of work ahead of me is just upsetting, even more so considering I've not done everything I have wanted to this weekend.

I just can't get motivated, and I'm not sure how I can get over it.

Sundays are the worst. Going back to the routine, doing the same old things again and again, and knowing that there's no way out of it makes me feel... not well. So I totally understand you.

 

[Daingurse]

Based on my knowledge of female character design in video games, whatever piece of armor that is, it's already more than done.

heh

Out of weed, which just makes it painfully obvious and transparent how much of a crutch marijuana is for me. Yay for me . . . My medication really evens me out, less peaks and valleys, but I'm just left with an overall flat affect. I feel so fucking numb, detached and hell bored. Enthusiasm and motivation how does it work? Meh. I guess I'll just think about how fortunate I am overall. Roof over my head, stuffing food in my fucking mouth, A/C in the hellish PHX summer, because there's people dying and suffering all over amirite? Gah . . . who needs anyone else, when I'm so effective at tearing myself down?

 

[Charles Foster Kane]

I don't know, I haven't been posting here lately and feel a bit out of touch with the thread. I kind of wanted to express how I've been feeling, but I then think how pointless and what drag it'd be.

I know I should seek professional help, but I completely lack the will.

 

[Bagels]

I don't know, I haven't been posting here lately and feel a bit out of touch with the thread. I kind of wanted to express how I've been feeling, but I then think how pointless and what drag it'd be.

I know I should seek professional help, but I completely lack the will.

I feel like I'm not doing my job if people feel out of touch with the thread. If it's nothing else, it should always be a friendly, open place where anyone can come in and talk about what's going on in their life. If there are reasons why people don't feel comfortable posting any more, please let me know. If it's just kind of, "well, I haven't been around in a while..." then don't let that stop you! We don't exactly forget people very easily. For example, Sadsic has started popping into chat again, despite not being in the new thread. No one was like, "who the hell are you?" - we were all pumped!

I hope people will keep coming up with ways to enhance our community, too. I love having cartoon week and photo week (and "week" is always used loosely - I think we all love when Oomi and Prax and our other artists post things! It gives the thread a more positive vibe) and I'll keep brainstorming ways for us to interact with each other and with the wider world.

 

[Freeza Under The Shower]

Plz, don't do this. Some of us are religious and can take offense over such comments.

And I believe it is among one of the major 'causes' or at least benefactors of many ways and forms of suppression, of which only one consequence is the topic of mental illness.

That, and it's a very devious thing to imply that "only needs to do X so that one is cured / no longer alone/ whatever". Fighting religious impulses, as they are continually reinforced by the social environment, is already a life-long battle that leaves plenty of battle scars.

If you choose to be offended by that, I do not consider it my moral duty to retract my statements based on a mild empirical leaning that religion plays in this corner.


I should point out that the "replacement" of spiritual, psychology, is equally primarily interested in social / mental control, and not so much healing of any sort. No, I don't mean that in a conspiracy way, but in lines of socialization and Foucault's concept of biopower, in this case on even our mental state. The end goal is to create and control 'civil bodies', in an almost literal sense.

And psychology is not the only player, since along with its rise comes along scientology, which makes the same claims, but has very different goals.

What I'm trying to say is that there is, in a way, a very real and constant war over our mental 'spaces' and the concept that we apply in our daily reasoning.

Take that as you will, but I felt it necessary to explain an otherwise offensive statement.


btw: I actually just came in to say hi...

 

[Daingurse]

I pretty much envy the religious. There's no advantages to being a depressed Atheist. I would know.

 

[Collete]

And I believe it is among one of the major 'causes' or at least benefactors of many ways and forms of suppression, of which only one consequence is the topic of mental illness.

That, and it's a very devious thing to imply that "only needs to do X so that one is cured / no longer alone/ whatever". Fighting religious impulses, as they are continually reinforced by the social environment, is already a life-long battle that leaves plenty of battle scars.

If you choose to be offended by that, I do not consider it my moral duty to retract my statements based on a mild empirical leaning that religion plays in this corner.


I should point out that the "replacement" of spiritual, psychology, is equally primarily interested in social / mental control, and not so much healing of any sort. No, I don't mean that in a conspiracy way, but in lines of socialization and Foucault's concept of biopower, in this case on even our mental state. The end goal is to create and control 'civil bodies', in an almost literal sense.

And psychology is not the only player, since along with its rise comes along scientology, which makes the same claims, but has very different goals.

What I'm trying to say is that there is, in a way, a very real and constant war over our mental 'spaces' and the concept that we apply in our daily reasoning.

Take that as you will, but I felt it necessary to explain an otherwise offensive statement.


btw: I actually just came in to say hi...

I'm not going to start a religious war, but all I can say is religion is helping me, but not a 100% completely. I still have my doubts of what I'm doing, as I said before. Whether God is even real or not.
It's not taking over me completely, I'm not going to start hating on gays just because a small population of Christianity does so too.
If Christianity was controlling me, I would be "cured" of depression but I'm not.

All in all, I'm not being "controlled" or anything, I'm conscious of what I do. It's not for everyone, I understand, but try not to say religion is a "madness" or what have you. Try to choose your words more carefully?

 

[Bagels]

I pretty much envy the religious. There's no advantages to being a depressed Atheist. I would know.

Imagine praying to God for help every day for years and it not coming. Hard to say that's much better.

 

[Collete]

Imagine praying to God for help every day for years and it not coming. Hard to say that's much better.

Speaks truth...

 

[Woorloog]

Why is it that seeing something nauseously rotating will leave dizzy feeling for a long time?
Very maddening...

 

[Charles Foster Kane]

nvm.

 

[Sadsic]

i am alone and nothing

 

[Kwixotik]

Gotta love random bouts of anxiety and overwhelming pressure with seemingly no trigger

 

[eddfromtheriver]

So i got very bad grades and didn't "pass" 3, i had an "extraordinary" exam so as to not have to take one of those classes again this past thursday, i had like at least two weeks to study... and i never could get the motivation to do it, on the day of the exam i just browsed NG up until about two hours prior to it, i studied just about thirty minutes total using the few notes i had on my notebook, i still passed the test... but i hate myself for being like this... i am aware of the consequences of my actions... and still i make the wrong decisions pretty frequently...

 

[eddfromtheriver]

Also... i'm coming to grips with the fact that i'll probably die alone, it's not because of lack of interest, but because i don't love myself, so i've had to turn ladies down when they ask me out... or even to be their BF, i can't love a person when i despise myself... and why bring kids to this world?... they're just gonna suffer even worse than we are... food/water getting scarce... weather changing... people getting eviler... what's the point?...

 

[Bagels]

Still time to PM me an address if you want a personal letter from me from Maine! Ask a question, ask for a story, or write me something to respond to. I promise I'll write you anywhere in the world. And I'm hoping Fiction, Pau, or Prax can testify to the quality of these letters. I write very sweet, thoughtful letters - it's nothing like the trash you usually see when I post.

 

[Wilsongt]

Man, Facebook can really make you depressed. Fuck happy people.

 

[jb1234]

Man, Facebook can really make you depressed. Fuck happy people.

Yeah. I haven't read most of my feed in days and am much happier for it.

 

[Agent Cooper]

nevermind that was stupid

 

[Kwixotik]

I feel weird as fuck

 

[Collete]

So do I so I'm going to bed wheeeee

 

[Daingurse]

Imagine praying to God for help every day for years and it not coming. Hard to say that's much better.

Imagine? Hell sounds like my mother and yet she still has faith after all she's been through. Never understood it. Believing in an afterlife would be nice, better than oblivion.

 

[Lonely1]

And I believe it is among one of the major 'causes' or at least benefactors of many ways and forms of suppression, of which only one consequence is the topic of mental illness.

That, and it's a very devious thing to imply that "only needs to do X so that one is cured / no longer alone/ whatever". Fighting religious impulses, as they are continually reinforced by the social environment, is already a life-long battle that leaves plenty of battle scars.

If you choose to be offended by that, I do not consider it my moral duty to retract my statements based on a mild empirical leaning that religion plays in this corner.


I should point out that the "replacement" of spiritual, psychology, is equally primarily interested in social / mental control, and not so much healing of any sort. No, I don't mean that in a conspiracy way, but in lines of socialization and Foucault's concept of biopower, in this case on even our mental state. The end goal is to create and control 'civil bodies', in an almost literal sense.

And psychology is not the only player, since along with its rise comes along scientology, which makes the same claims, but has very different goals.

What I'm trying to say is that there is, in a way, a very real and constant war over our mental 'spaces' and the concept that we apply in our daily reasoning.

Take that as you will, but I felt it necessary to explain an otherwise offensive statement.


btw: I actually just came in to say hi...

I didn't took offense directly about your comment but, well, I believe that this isn't the place (thread) for a debate on religion. I don't like to debate religion on GAF (and some other places) because, almost invariably, us religious folks are painted like ignorant or even stupid. And trust me, I'm neither. And I believe that "only needs to do X so that one is cured / no longer alone/ whatever" is one of the biggest misconceptions that exist about religion (as I and many seminal theologians believe it, before the true-Scotchman crusade twists my argument).

Now, If someone is interested on my views and spiritual experience of religion in the context of (my) depression, I can share them. But I won't debate them.

 

[User 100115]

Well said, Lonely1. This thread is the very last place it would be appropriate to start arguing for or against a religion. We are a many and varied folk here, with the one thing connecting us. What helps some people isn't going to help everyone, and trying to force your beliefs or lack thereof on people at the least annoys them and the worst upsets them.

 

[Hermii]

Man, Facebook can really make you depressed. Fuck happy people.

Facebook shows you filtered perfect versions of other peoples life. Few people shares bad things on fb. There is a reason there isn't a negative version of "like".

 

[A Human Becoming]

Facebook shows you filtered perfect versions of other peoples life. Nobody shares bad things on fb. There is a reason there isn't a negative version of "like".

I do

Ugh, having one of those nights where I lay in bed for hours thinking. My psychiatrist says it's anxiety, despite having nothing to be anxious about tomorrow. Just stuff that's in the immediate future can cause it.

Took some Zzzquil; should knock me out in 15. I might turn the AC up a smidgen, I'm still hot.

 

[Hermii]

I do

Ugh, having one of those nights where I lay in bed for hours thinking. My psychiatrist says it's anxiety, despite having nothing to be anxious about tomorrow. Just stuff that's in the immediate future can cause it.

Took some Zzzquil; should knock me out in 15. I might turn the AC up a smidgen, I'm still hot.

I corrected my post

 

[MisterLuffy]

Man, Facebook can really make you depressed. Fuck happy people.

That's one of the reasons I don't like using Facebook. I hate seeing my friends post on how their lives are better. I rarely talk to them, except one. He's the reason of why I sign on to Facebook everyday.

 

[swecide]

Weekends are the hardest, by far.

I agree!

There is this one quote from Prozac Nation that I can relate to a lot.

Between so much writing and so much chatting, my weeks were to packed for me to notice my emotional state at all, except in passing blinks of fatigue. But on weekends, with no exigencies of the moment beckoning at my head, I realized that I was all alone in the great state of Texas and all alone in the world. Even the brief, two-day gap in activity was enough time for that old ugly feeling, that familiar black wave, to start creeping up on me, threatening to drag me away.