ClassyPenguin
Banned
Scary similar to my experience, though I am not bipolar.
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Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
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Scary similar to my experience, though I am not bipolar.
More and more I wish I weren't gay... I just want to be asexual or something.
My personality and emotions don't mix with the gay community. I can be overly jealous and clingy... I don't like large crowds or clubs... I don't like one-night stands...
No offense to the ladies in the thread, but I seriously thing my brain is wired more like a woman's than a man's...
My personality and emotions don't mix with the gay community. I can be overly jealous and clingy... I don't like large crowds or clubs... I don't like one-night stands...
No offense to the ladies in the thread, but I seriously thing my brain is wired more like a woman's than a man's...
Bel Marduk
Banned
Glad you're feeling better today. Your avatar always makes me smile so it would be a shame if you're depressed.
I have to go into the hospital for observation because the meds made me nutty. It could be for a day, it could be for fuck knows how long. I have zero desire to do this, as I think I'm actually much better now, and I have better info about drug interactions, but my family is making me. I fucking hate this.
I'll see you guys around, I guess.
I'll see you guys around, I guess.
Best of luck, Bagels. Your family only wants the best for you. I did notice a change when we talked in the chat recently, but you weren't an asshole or anything - just a little hard to understand at times. I honestly hope you'll feel better soon.
Also, everyone here, sorry for not being around and not helping anyone. There's a lot going on here, and I have a lot to figure out. I was considering coming back to Gaf after being away for a while, but there's so much about myself I need to figure out... I'm really not happy with the person I am, and I need to figure out a way to fix me. As much as this place has helped me in the past (it has!), I think this last part will need to come from myself. Some stuff happened here recently that's not worth getting into, but yeah, I'm really not a good person the way I am now. I keep talking about taking my life seriously and changing, but nothing I'm doing is worth a damn. I need to do better than this, and I honestly think I need to leave my internet/videogames/tv/movie-life behind me, for a while at least. Thanks again everyone in here and in the chat. I'll come back to talk later, but not for a while.
Also, everyone here, sorry for not being around and not helping anyone. There's a lot going on here, and I have a lot to figure out. I was considering coming back to Gaf after being away for a while, but there's so much about myself I need to figure out... I'm really not happy with the person I am, and I need to figure out a way to fix me. As much as this place has helped me in the past (it has!), I think this last part will need to come from myself. Some stuff happened here recently that's not worth getting into, but yeah, I'm really not a good person the way I am now. I keep talking about taking my life seriously and changing, but nothing I'm doing is worth a damn. I need to do better than this, and I honestly think I need to leave my internet/videogames/tv/movie-life behind me, for a while at least. Thanks again everyone in here and in the chat. I'll come back to talk later, but not for a while.
C'mon girl, please don't do anything stupid :/
Good luck Bags! I'm cheering for you.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
You do realize that's not how it works and probably just a placebo that might do more harm than good.
http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/is-kava-safe/
If that was you as an asshole, then you are a pretty nice guy. Good luck!
BBQ chicken for dinner also it is too hot in nyc.
Who wants to swim in an algae filled pool that is being chemically treated because I don't.
I guess I am late to the whole picture sharing thing.
Oh man that sucks, but you will come back stronger and beat this thing.
Good luck Bagels.
I'm just such a mess, my medication keeps me pretty stable, but man I've fucked my life up so badly. Self-sabotage, both conscious and unconscious. My body is constantly aching from nerve damage and god knows what else. My teeth are all fucked up from years of subpar hygiene from depression, because I just didn't give a fuck. Now I'm paying the price for my horrible decision making: no dental, no money, no job, tons of debt, no friends, no motivation, no weed,no future, no hope. Fuck my life. I really don't want to end up as some welfare case like my Mom, but hell what am I now if not just that? A leech, a parasite, completely dependent on others. I'm a grown adult, 23 years old, but I might aswell be a child. I can't even look at my own face in the mirror, because I am so disgusted.
I really have no idea where my life is going, I feel like such a failure. Hell, I got group therapy today and I haven't even been working on my mindfulness HW, the shit doesn't resonate with me, it just doesn't. I have difficulty making goals and planning for the future, because not a day goes where the thought of suicide doesn't just pop into my head. It's always a viable option in my head, some inevitable thing. I really think at this rate I'll be lucky if I'm still alive when I'm 30, if you can even call this living. I'm just drifting, aimless, my Neogaf description is so accurate it hurts. Slacker, yep that's all I basically am.
When I was a kid I used to have such dreams, was told how "smart" and "bright" I was. I used to want to be a fucking scientist, a fucking bio-engineer. I can't even get my fucking Associates, what the fuck happened to that kid who actually had dreams and aspirations? The person I used to be died so long ago, all that's left is this fucking pathetic shell of a person. Wasted potential, that's all I see in the mirror.
I'm just such a mess, my medication keeps me pretty stable, but man I've fucked my life up so badly. Self-sabotage, both conscious and unconscious. My body is constantly aching from nerve damage and god knows what else. My teeth are all fucked up from years of subpar hygiene from depression, because I just didn't give a fuck. Now I'm paying the price for my horrible decision making: no dental, no money, no job, tons of debt, no friends, no motivation, no weed,no future, no hope. Fuck my life. I really don't want to end up as some welfare case like my Mom, but hell what am I now if not just that? A leech, a parasite, completely dependent on others. I'm a grown adult, 23 years old, but I might aswell be a child. I can't even look at my own face in the mirror, because I am so disgusted.
I really have no idea where my life is going, I feel like such a failure. Hell, I got group therapy today and I haven't even been working on my mindfulness HW, the shit doesn't resonate with me, it just doesn't. I have difficulty making goals and planning for the future, because not a day goes where the thought of suicide doesn't just pop into my head. It's always a viable option in my head, some inevitable thing. I really think at this rate I'll be lucky if I'm still alive when I'm 30, if you can even call this living. I'm just drifting, aimless, my Neogaf description is so accurate it hurts. Slacker, yep that's all I basically am.
When I was a kid I used to have such dreams, was told how "smart" and "bright" I was. I used to want to be a fucking scientist, a fucking bio-engineer. I can't even get my fucking Associates, what the fuck happened to that kid who actually had dreams and aspirations? The person I used to be died so long ago, all that's left is this fucking pathetic shell of a person. Wasted potential, that's all I see in the mirror.
MisterLuffy
Member
I hate the fact that I'm reminded of my failures despite getting the positivity from my brothers and my cousins. My parents reminded me of my failures when they ask me "When are you going to get a job?", "What do you want to do in your life?", etc. Just hearing those questions from anyone, not just my parents, would remind me of my failures as to why I'm not doing this or that. Not just that, I made my life even shittier when I watch something that I'm not supposed to watch. I feel like the scum of the Earth. My life turned upside down when I start doing those things that I shouldn't be doing in the first place.
Collete
Member
*sigh* I'll try....
I realized that after I tripled the dose of kava and realized it did nothing for me. I know there was a chance of liver failure using kava, hence why I took it. I just didn't care...
ClassyPenguin
Banned
So if I could I'd wish it all away
If I thought tomorrow they'd take you away
You're my piece of mind, my all
I said, I'm just trying to hold on one more day
Damn my eyes, damn my eyes
Damn my eyes if they should compromise our fulcrum
What you need divides me then
I might as well be gone
Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one
Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine on upon the severed
Shine until the two become one
Divided, I'm withering away
Divided, I'm withering away
Shine on upon the many, light our way
Benevolent sun
Tool - Jambi
Man, I forget how good this album is.
If I thought tomorrow they'd take you away
You're my piece of mind, my all
I said, I'm just trying to hold on one more day
Damn my eyes, damn my eyes
Damn my eyes if they should compromise our fulcrum
What you need divides me then
I might as well be gone
Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one
Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine on upon the severed
Shine until the two become one
Divided, I'm withering away
Divided, I'm withering away
Shine on upon the many, light our way
Benevolent sun
Tool - Jambi
Man, I forget how good this album is.
I'm thinking of joining you. Especially in the last week, I've been decimating relationships left and right. A good friend just called me an "asshole" and I think that's my wake-up call, if any of those can claim to exist. I've never been an asshole. How did I turn into an asshole?
A lot of times depression can manifest itself via anger...
For me, all of my anger is turned inward.
A friend of mine has told me many times that "Depression is anger turned inward", and I now believe that.
TetraxShards
Member
Just found out "mature" student offers for the IT I've applied for come out on Monday.
I'd forgotten about it, and now I'm feeling a little sick. I haven't been feeling the best lately (isolated, lonely, depressed, upset, just having a dip in form at the minute) and this isn't helping.
I've made so much progress the last two years. I moved out, I made friends, I've been improving my physical health. I don't want to go back to the old ways again.
I'd forgotten about it, and now I'm feeling a little sick. I haven't been feeling the best lately (isolated, lonely, depressed, upset, just having a dip in form at the minute) and this isn't helping.
I've made so much progress the last two years. I moved out, I made friends, I've been improving my physical health. I don't want to go back to the old ways again.
Mine used to be inward. I guess it still mostly is but lately, I've been very on edge and just enraged. If the disease is transforming, I think I preferred it when I kept the damage to myself.
I'll lash out every now and then... Unfortunately, the only thing I have to lash out to is my dog and myself. I don't hit my dog, I just yell at him sometimes... It's really sad...
Never heard that before I think, so much truth in that statement
I know for a fact that I alienated a lot of friends, even family to some extent because of depression. I can't really talk to anyone at home because no one wants to listen to pessimistic, cynical, defeatist, negative shit. I'm a huge "Debby Downer" at times, I'm aware of this, so I mostly just keep that shit to myself, don't really talk much in-general, never have. I'm a pretty happy/social drunk/high-ass, but I don't think that's anything to be proud off.
I have a tendency to "blow-up" after a couple of months. This results in holes in walls, doors, broken shit in-general. I lash out at my family and say very hurtful things. I can't really blame anyone else for my problems, so I tend to internalize everything. The cauldron always bubbles over eventually though. My greatest fear is losing control and hurting someone in a blind rage. Things have gotten violent in the past . . . I think that's downright pathetic. I'm a pretty big guy and black, so it's something that is frankly unacceptable, unless I want to end up in prison. It really irks me, because it is quite contrary to my normal personality. I'm honestly I pretty humble/meek guy. But the frustration just builds and builds and builds.
The dog thing makes me laugh though. I can't even bring myself to yell at my dog mostly, he tugs at my heartstrings pretty hard me, hahaha.
I don't lash out at people because I have no reason to lash out to them. I'm the one who causes all of my problems and the one I should be mad at.
I'm the pessimistic one, the stupid one, the failure, the lazy one, the one with anxiety and self-esteem issues, not other people. I do it to myself.
I'm the pessimistic one, the stupid one, the failure, the lazy one, the one with anxiety and self-esteem issues, not other people. I do it to myself.
The only thing that gives me any comfort, if you can even call it that is the simple fact that depression is a disease. A legitimate disease, it feels like a crutch to say that, but we are the way we are for a reason. We didn't choose this, but it's the hand we were dealt. The problem is that many people don't see it this way, hell my own family included to some extent. My issues were ignored for years. I was told that I just wanted attention and other horseshit for the longest time. I think most people would get their child help when they started poisoning themselves with isopropyl alcohol and hid in the closet when I should have been at school. But that wasn't my reality, I guess I'm still bitter about that, but I don't really dwell on it often. Have enough problems in the present.
I pretty much relate to everything you say. I internalize pretty much all my issues, despise myself deeply and blame myself for everything. Not sure if that provides any comfort, but it is what it is. You're not alone, I struggle with the same demons nearly every day.
We may feel and know it is a disease, but what about people in the world that we encounter? Not every one understands depression. They'll be "Oh, just perk up, it'll get better," or "Oh, stop whining. Look at how good you have it." Or they just won't bother with you like some people do with me...
Nothing you can do, except shrug it off. Dismiss it as the ignorance that it is. My mom has PTSD, my brother is Bipolar and they say the same shit.
I just really hate being me... and today that feeling is really, really bad.
I understand that sentiment almost too well. I'm not the best at this empathy stuff, but I am hoping that things improve for you. As long as we live the potential for things to get better is always there. Cold logic, but it keeps me going. That and video game releases sigh . . . Well time for group DBT I guess . . .
I think the best thing I can do is to follow Boems lead and cut out the internet, gaf, games, entertainment etc completely from my life. An all or nothing approach I think is the only way I can stop self handicapping. I cant continue to spend most of my life in front of a fucking screen.
Im going to try to get used to the idea of doing my best and if I fail when Im doing my best then so be it. At least I learned something.
See you in a month earliest. Love you all (Bagels is infecting me).
Im going to try to get used to the idea of doing my best and if I fail when Im doing my best then so be it. At least I learned something.
See you in a month earliest. Love you all (Bagels is infecting me).
Stepping back the meds, starting intensive therapy again this summer, and seeing my doctor every day this week, but I remain a free man.
Thanks for the well-wishes, and my thoughts are with everyone in here facing the hospital, willingly or unwillingly.
And thanks to people who have put up with my nuttiness. I tend to think I'm a pretty okay guy at my best, but I really know my friends because they're still with me when I don't show my best. Straight jacket hugs! Love you guys!
I'll try to take better care of myself, and you all do the same.
<3
Thanks for the well-wishes, and my thoughts are with everyone in here facing the hospital, willingly or unwillingly.
And thanks to people who have put up with my nuttiness. I tend to think I'm a pretty okay guy at my best, but I really know my friends because they're still with me when I don't show my best. Straight jacket hugs! Love you guys!
I'll try to take better care of myself, and you all do the same.
<3
Sqrt_minus_one
Member
Take care of yourself bagels.
No u.
(I forgot to say that they also did not have a bed for me, or else I would have had to do 24 hours of observation. So yay for our busted-ass healthcare system!)
Sounds good Bagels, proud of you man.
Just finished group DBT, ending this module on mindfulness. I have to say, the session really resonated with me and I heard something interesting. "Judgements are a form of shorthand." I've never heard this before but it makes so much sense. I am very self critical and judge myself a lot, but all my judgements at their most basic level, are over-simplications. I am not bad, nor good, I just am.
I'm going to be actively attempting to monitor and reduce my judging. Judging only brings me endless pain, there is no benefit.
Just finished group DBT, ending this module on mindfulness. I have to say, the session really resonated with me and I heard something interesting. "Judgements are a form of shorthand." I've never heard this before but it makes so much sense. I am very self critical and judge myself a lot, but all my judgements at their most basic level, are over-simplications. I am not bad, nor good, I just am.
I'm going to be actively attempting to monitor and reduce my judging. Judging only brings me endless pain, there is no benefit.
Thank, guys! SAWAP for sure.
I feel a little like the boy who cried wolf. Sorry for being all DRAMA, but that kind of capped off a week-long melt-down of sorts. I hate being sick and I hate how it has come to define my life, and how everyone knows all about how nuts I am. And and and...
Anyway, thanks for putting up with me.
I feel a little like the boy who cried wolf. Sorry for being all DRAMA, but that kind of capped off a week-long melt-down of sorts. I hate being sick and I hate how it has come to define my life, and how everyone knows all about how nuts I am. And and and...
Anyway, thanks for putting up with me.
More of a slow burn, I guess. And yeah, I checked GAF right away after I was told that I had been acting really weird. I spared you all another episode of ambien-brain bagels.
That makes more sense.
A bit. If i lie a bit.
Frigging melatonin... normal sleepyness doesn't feel like this...
What's oxytocin?
Not googling it because i won't understand it. Leaving this here for tomorrow, will understand answers (or remember to google it) after sleeping.
Lionheart1827
Member
Got back from my 2nd therapist session about an hour ago. I think it went good I guess. Slowly gotta chip away at my issues. Starting me off by trying to get out there and expose myself to my problem spots, like restaurants and such. Slowly start to fight my irrational fears with proven facts. Hopefully I can get into the chat one day. Next therapy session next week, thanks for listening GAF.
Oxytocin is most strongly associated with childbirth - you use it to induce labor. It's the natural hormone that causes contractions, so you can give it to speed them along. The kind you buy is called pitocin.
Infant suckling causes oxytocin release, too, which cause the milk to be released for babby.
That's all old news. The newer findings have to do with its role in orgasms and general social interactions. I remember some famous experiment where they gave people oxytocin and let them mingle in some kind of speed dating scenario or something. The interesting thing is that people seem to like each other a lot more when you dope them with oxytocin. It has a clear role in making moms not eat their kids or whatever (maternal bonding, but animals are weird, yeah?), so it makes sense that it has a further role in making us stand each other. Like everything else in your brain, evolution was all lazy, so it does a billion other things - some anxiety stuff, maybe some autism stuff...It's an interesting thing to think about for mental health, but it's broken down in the tumtums and the potential to abuse a drug that makes people like you more is kinda scary. Also, if you inject it into rat spines, they get spontaneous erections - the potential for abuse is...hard to gauge, actually.
I hear ya dude, I'm also trying to fight my irrational fears with proven facts, but it is very hard.
Good luck with the ongoing therapy
Am I missing something? Is oxycontin not a terribly addictive painkiller that is derived from opiates? It is a huge problem here- people get prescribed it by doctor's, get addicted, can't get off it and fall into addiction extremes like crushing it up and snorting it or melting it down and injecting it. Called hillbilly heroin for a reason. I think it shouldn't be produced, or only prescribed in extreme circumstances with great care or for terminal patients. I have seen people lives ruined by this drug.
edit: /blinks
Oxycontin... oxytocin.... dammit I need to wear my glasses at home more often. Sorry.
This made me LOL.
edit: /blinks
Oxycontin... oxytocin.... dammit I need to wear my glasses at home more often. Sorry.
This made me LOL.
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