Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.

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Windam said:
Everyone but me has friends. Everyone but me is going out with those friends and having a good time. Everyone else has forgotten I exist, and when I try to make contact, I'm more or less ignored. Everyone has hobbies, but I don't. Staying cooped up at home, with nothing to do but read, play games, and listen to your parents telling you to find a job when you've been actively searching and applying and nothing comes out of it... You can only take so much. I don't even care about reading or playing games. I wish I could just sleep all day long; sleep through everything. But I don't even sleep much anymore. Thinking ahead to the future is no better. I'm fucking horrified and feeling super unprepared for university, but it's too late to back out now. "Experiencing new things" (i.e., uni is no comfort). There is nothing comforting anymore. I can't stand happy things because I just can't connect and feel any kind of warmth out of them. I can't meet new people; letting people in is too much of a risk now. I don't want myself getting close to someone (because I know it wouldn't be the other way around) because that just leads to more pain. I'm so fucked up. Why can I can't feel good, for just a few moments, for once?

I can't handle this.

I want out, guys. I just don't know how to do it.

I'm sorry I complain so much... I'll just stop. It's not helping anyone.
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Hang in there man.
Some 2.5 years ago, I had literally zero friends. I didn't even know a single person at university. I had social anxiety (I still do, but it was even worse back then) and was constantly depressed.
Through a combination of working on myself, being extremely persistent in putting myself out there and sheer luck, I got to know three or four people. From then on, things spiraled out of control (met their friends and their friends' friends and so on), and today I probably know more people than I even care for.

I'm not saying it gets better, because I obviously don't know that. But there's a chance.

Edit: Friends aren't the be-all, end-all though. My life is certainly a lot better thanks to them, but I still feel like shit a lot of the time, and they introduce new problems too (e.g. social events which I am expected to attend, but I don't have the energy).
 
Amazing to see so much activity in here. I love to see new faces enter and take the first steps towards getting help. I feel that even just talking to others in a similar situation is super beneficial, and I hope to get to know all of you. :)

I have decided to restart exercising every day. 30 minutes on my treadmill, it seems doable again. I had a back injury that put me out for a while, but I think I am ready to return full time. I do have to help someone move some stuff today so I really hope I don't pop out another muscle again. My pills make me super tired, so hopefully this boosts my energy a little. There are too many long naps in my life, I think.

Hope everyone has a great Wednesday, and SAWAP.
 
Prax said:
I think it happens to a lot of us! I always want to say things and then procrastinate because I make up reasons to not to.
But you found the motivation and energy and will to do it now. So, good! Put that down as a positive point on your side.

Finding that energy and motivation can be very hard. Try to do small tasks and chores to build up momentum. Even if it's mailing something out, cleaning your room, making a phone call (for therapy maybe?) etc. It might be slow going and sometimes the only solution IS to ride it out for a while until you can catch a break in your brain waves and do what you actually want and need to do.

As for clearing thoughts, learning relaxation techniques (breathing exercises), talking walks, or just doing something mindless/watching something mindless (and hopefully fun) to wash your brain out. And then hopefully in that oment of zen.. go do something you want or need to!
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Thanks for the advice/words of encouragement! I think taking it piece-wise is a good start for myself. I've been meaning to take a stab at Android/W8 app development since I haven't pushed myself hard enough to find a summer job. I wanted to start it at the start of summer but I didn't have the motivation to after my extremely lackluster performance in my college courses. But I guess it's never too late to start?

By the way I love your work! I think even if you lacked focus it's great that you still have something to show for. Plus it all looks great!

MikeDip said:
Amazing to see so much activity in here. I love to see new faces enter and take the first steps towards getting help. I feel that even just talking to others in a similar situation is super beneficial, and I hope to get to know all of you. :)

I have decided to restart exercising every day. 30 minutes on my treadmill, it seems doable again. I had a back injury that put me out for a while, but I think I am ready to return full time. I do have to help someone move some stuff today so I really hope I don't pop out another muscle again. My pills make me super tired, so hopefully this boosts my energy a little. There are too many long naps in my life, I think.

Hope everyone has a great Wednesday, and SAWAP.
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What's SAWAP? And I kinda hope to get to know you guys better too! What's this mumble thing you guys talk about?
 
Trip to Tonopah pictures.

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Sign at bar called Beatty Club in Beatty, NV.

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Tinman at the same bar in Beatty.

L1yjZOm.jpg


Hallway where our room was at in the Tonopah Station hotel.

R2I8tPd.jpg


Shotgun Willy's bar in the Tonopah Station hotel.

So overall, I had a good time. We departed around 2:30pm in the afternoon with my friend and his dad on Monday. We stopped at Beatty and Goldfield for drinks and got to Tonopah around 6:00pm I believe. Checked in at Tonopah Station Hotel. Stopped in at the Mitzpah Hotel, which is famous for being haunted and another bar across the street. Later, we had dinner at the Tonopah Station and then went to slam down a few shots of Jager and Coronas at Shotgun Willy's. We met some drunk guy with an eye patch who kind of looked a hickish version of Solid Snake. The internet jukebox there sucks and this guy with the eyepatch kept complaining about he lost $100 in the jukebox. He probably kept repeating this every 2 minutes, literally. Funny enough, it played three or four of the five songs I played on it. We crashed about midnight and left the next day. My friend asked if I wanted to hang out with him an extra night after we got back to Vegas and thus, I did which is why I got back today instead of yesterday.

So, it was a nice little getaway. It's been at least six years since I got out of town or went on any kind of a roadtrip.
 
Xzeon said:
i wont be posting here anymore.
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Any particular reason? Things have been a bit hectic and I haven't gotten back in to my posting rhythm, personally. I still read everything, but I haven't responded much. So, if you feel ignored, it's not on purpose!


SAWAP is "stay as well as possible," from a cartoon Swecide linked me. I'll find it and post it again.

So far Bagelgrams have been received on both coasts of the US (I think 5/14 are accounted for?), but I haven't heard from my international correspondents. More letters go out tomorrow! I'm apparently the last man in the world who likes writing letters, so if you're looking for a penpal, send me a PM!
 
Xzeon said:
i wont be posting here anymore.
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I think you probably should have taken my advice and not have started a "gaf tell me things" thread because they will not give you the focus you need and most of them will not take into consideration your mental health when responding to you. >_>

Do not try to trigger/provoke your own anxieties like that. you care about what people think and you get defensive and feel many things said in jest or flippantly are a personal attack--and some of them are, but you are not at a good place to be taking those hits! I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

Focus on what makes you happy and makes you feel productive.
 
Xzeon said:
i wont be posting here anymore.
Click to expand...

Prax said:
I think you probably should have taken my advice and not have started a "gaf tell me things" thread because they will not give you the focus you need and most of them will not take into consideration your mental health when responding to you. >_>

Do not try to trigger/provoke your own anxieties like that. you care about what people think and you get defensive and feel many things said in jest or flippantly are a personal attack--and some of them are, but you are not at a good place to be taking those hits! I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

Focus on what makes you happy and makes you feel productive.
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This, please follow Prax's advice.
Also keep in mind that a lot of people on GAF aren't really aware of mental illnesses themselves.
So making a thread asking for help when most of them will mostly attack isn't a good idea. If you think it helps you to stay in this thread, stay in here. If you think you've got this and you can do it on your own, feel free to leave.
 
Prax said:
I think you probably should have taken my advice and not have started a "gaf tell me things" thread because they will not give you the focus you need and most of them will not take into consideration your mental health when responding to you. >_>

Do not try to trigger/provoke your own anxieties like that. you care about what people think and you get defensive and feel many things said in jest or flippantly are a personal attack--and some of them are, but you are not at a good place to be taking those hits! I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

Focus on what makes you happy and makes you feel productive.
Click to expand...
Yeah, this thread is full of great people but starting a thread about how you feel may draw in quite a few replies that are certainly less than helpful. Prax is a good guy (or girl, I dunno lol) so yeah just be careful. I would highly recommend at least sticking to this thread as we're at least more like family here without the "tough love" or "bootstrap" mentality.
 
Alright, so I got Bagels' letter today. Three handwritten pages, in immaculate handwriting, much to my infinite jealousy. Of course, it made me cry (but then, that's not difficult to do). Lionheart made me cry a few days ago and Mike has been incredibly sweet, checking up on me, even when I'm not around. Actually, everyone has been really fucking cool lately and I'm not fully convinced I deserve it.

I was in a lot of pain last night, so I called my closest friend in the area and barged in on him, while he was watching Tron Legacy with his wife (and niece). Cool movie. And then, I watched him play Final Fantasy V and thoroughly get his ass kicked by several unfortunate bosses. I got home early that morning and there were a few people still in mumble (namely, Bugs and Trinn) and I tortured them for an hour or so. I assume there was a bigger party earlier that evening which I'm sorry I missed but there will be many more in the future, I have no doubt.

No matter the circumstance, I'm in for one hell of a fight but the burden is made easier with people who care. I really love you guys. SAWAP.
 
Xzeon, I share many of the issues you have so I can relate to a degree. I too have problems with my appearance, high anxiety, depression, problems with employment, etc. Only difference is I'm a lot older which makes it even worse for me.

I seriously hate myself. I mean, damn, one doesn't get too much goofier/uglier than me. I guess some would say I have an advantage being skinny, but trust me there's times I wish I could be a little bit on the heavier side if not just because it's more "normal" I suppose. If there's such a thing as an actual "girl repellent", it would certainly look and act exactly like me. I expect to live and die alone.
 
Fiction said:
Darkmakaimura, those pictures are awesome, looks like a great time was had.
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Thank you much, Fiction. :)

eddfromtheriver said:
Dude, i have no idea what you look like, but looks aren't the be all/end all... once you progress on your current issues it should get easier to find someone to form a love bond with.

Hang in there.
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I understand looks are not everything but really, I take it to a whole new level. Imagine the character Screech from Saved By The Bell but taller and with buck teeth and a big nose. That's pretty much me. And besides just looks, my intelligence and psychological issues don't make matters any better. At my age, I doubt I'm going to really progress much if at all.
 
Darkmakaimura said:
Thank you much, Fiction. :)


I understand looks are not everything but really, I take it to a whole new level. Imagine the character Screech from Saved By The Bell but taller and with buck teeth and a big nose. That's pretty much me. And besides just looks, my intelligence and psychological issues don't make matters any better. At my age, I doubt I'm going to really progress much if at all.
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Just to let you know, my husband is not what anyone would call a 'looker'; I married him anyway.


I won't be in chat or on mumble tonight, guys, sorry. Having a rough day pain wise, going to go curl up in bed and try not to cry. Love to you all! If you need me I might be around via PM on my tablet.
 
Fiction said:
Just to let you know, my husband is not what anyone would call a 'looker'; I married him anyway.
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But he's probably at least of average intelligence which is something I can't say for myself. That and again, all the psyche issues.
 
Fiction said:
Just to let you know, my husband is not what anyone would call a 'looker'; I married him anyway.


I won't be in chat or on mumble tonight, guys, sorry. Having a rough day pain wise, going to go curl up in bed and try not to cry. Love to you all! If you need me I might be around via PM on my tablet.
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Add that to the *hugs* too. I hope you feel better.
 
So apparently I haven't posted here in about two months.

Single best thing I did for my mental state, ever, was spending the week driving cross-country with Sydney. Absolute best thing possible. For once I wasn't lonely. And I fell in love, that was nice.

The start of living in Portland was stressful. Trying to find an apartment, dealing with a crappy job, lacking any network or routine or safety net. That was a hell of a month. Vancouver sucks. Then I lost the job, which I actually wasn't unhappy about at the time.

Following month was worse though. Unemployed, running out of money, had issues with getting my meds. My Lexapro is out of refills, I'm cutting it in half to try and ween myself off it safely. Which has me back to feeling how I did in Buffalo; anxious, alone, stuck, lost. I got a new job on Monday, and at least my time during the day there isn't too bad, but it's still not.... right. I never want to go to work.

I'm realizing some problems with impulse control. I couldn't control how I talked and expressed myself at my job, and (officially) it got me fired. I bought a Macbook the moment I got my current job, despite being fairly broke. I eat out more than I can really afford to. I can't seem to make myself do, or not do, many things.

I knew moving here wasn't going to fix things, it was just going to give me better access to whatever I need. So far, all I've really used Portland for has been the diversity of food- which is great and all- but it's not enough. And I'm still feeling kinda isolated and pinned down, it's just not about location anymore but a lack of finances. That should go away eventually, but... not soon enough. And not very soon if I can't get my impulses under control.

Sydney and I started joking about starting a food truck. Doing variants on the "garbage plate" concept. I like the idea. I don't think I have the work ethic or talent to pull it off nor could I afford to take the risk even with a bit of saving up (my student loans are monstrous). I think that's why I'm planning it so much; I know it's a pipe dream so it's safe to contemplate. I'd never have to confront the risk of actually doing it.
 
Darkmakaimura said:
Xzeon, I share many of the issues you have so I can relate to a degree. I too have problems with my appearance, high anxiety, depression, problems with employment, etc. Only difference is I'm a lot older which makes it even worse for me.

I seriously hate myself. I mean, damn, one doesn't get too much goofier/uglier than me. I guess some would say I have an advantage being skinny, but trust me there's times I wish I could be a little bit on the heavier side if not just because it's more "normal" I suppose. If there's such a thing as an actual "girl repellent", it would certainly look and act exactly like me. I expect to live and die alone.
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I'm so glad that you had a great time on your trip. That's awesome man!

And I certainly can relate with the negative self-image. And the bolded couldn't be truer in my case. Hate it, but there's no other thing to do than to accept it.

Fiction said:
Just to let you know, my husband is not what anyone would call a 'looker'; I married him anyway.


I won't be in chat or on mumble tonight, guys, sorry. Having a rough day pain wise, going to go curl up in bed and try not to cry. Love to you all! If you need me I might be around via PM on my tablet.
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:(

Hope you get better soon, Fic. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
 
I just want yall to know that I love you all. I care about you as fellow human beings and offer support to you. Pm me if you wanna talk about whatever. Ill listen to it.
whatever helps yall out.
squee and penguins for all.
 
I am actively trying to better myself. I'm joining a gym tomorrow. I recently traveled outside of the country for the first time. So I'm trying. But the biggest roadblock, and the elephant in the room, is my attitude. I've been told by countless people that I'm the most negative person they've ever met in their entire life. But if I'm being realistic that part of my existence will likely never change. So I'll likely look better by being in better shape, but my attitude will continue to alienate people.
 
Darkmakaimura said:
But he's probably at least of average intelligence which is something I can't say for myself. That and again, all the psyche issues.
Click to expand...

People of below average intelligence can't write good, perfectly punctuated sentences like the ones in your last few posts. You might be being a wee bit hard on yourself.

(Sorry to but in, just wandered into this thread after seeing it on the front page.)
 
Feel like shit today, just tired and numb. Also Church's Chicken, what the fuck happened? I Used to like this stuff, I feel so nauseated pretty sure it made me sick. About to vaporize some lavender flowers, hopefully it'll help . . .

Oomikami said:
Tried getting back into painting...a flop.
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My critique may not be worth much, but I like it. As Classy said, It is very emotive In a way even I can see.

toadsworth said:
Can't catch a fucking break. Ruined $800 of pc parts 2 days after building it.
This retail job is slowly sucking out my soul, one day at a time.
I can't connect with any of the few people I actually talk to.
I barely enjoy anything anymore.
The only escape I have is alcohol, and theres always the next morning.
I just want something nice to happen for a change, goddammit.
Click to expand...

Christ . . . sorry man. I remember when I thought I fried my 6950 after installing an aftermarket cooler, went completely off the walls, self-harmed, all sorts of shit I'm not proud of. If I fucked my computer up now, I really don't know what I'd do . . .
 
Can't catch a fucking break. Ruined $800 of pc parts 2 days after building it.
This retail job is slowly sucking out my soul, one day at a time.
I can't connect with any of the few people I actually talk to.
I barely enjoy anything anymore.
The only escape I have is alcohol, and theres always the next morning.
I just want something nice to happen for a change, goddammit.
 
toadsworth said:
Can't catch a fucking break. Ruined $800 of pc parts 2 days after building it.
This retail job is slowly sucking out my soul, one day at a time.
I can't connect with any of the few people I actually talk to.
I barely enjoy anything anymore.
The only escape I have is alcohol, and theres always the next morning.
I just want something nice to happen for a change, goddammit.
Click to expand...

This is where you are going wrong toad.
 
kitsuneyo said:
People of below average intelligence can't write good, perfectly punctuated sentences like the ones in your last few posts. You might be being a wee bit hard on yourself.

(Sorry to but in, just wandered into this thread after seeing it on the front page.)
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I can read and write and have basic English language skills but I don't think my writing proves I'm average IQ. In fact, my vocabulary is horrendous. You can see I generally write simplistically.

I've had many people think there's something wrong with me. I had one former friend who used to be a special education teacher who told me she thinks I'm 'slow' and 'underdeveloped'. Another former friend who works in the psychology field has told people similar about me. People who have known me long enough do think I'm at least mildly retarded.
 
First time posting in this thread. Any bi-polar peeps creepin? Wanna reminisce about some awesome highs? I miss them. Been a long time numb and drunk.

Switters: Dramatis personæ

Age: Older than you
Job: Minor functionary that everyone really likes
Hobbies: Drinking. Singing. Making music. Writing. World of Tanks.
Ethnicity/orientation: White/Straightish
Drugs on: Lamictal. Heineken.
Reason here: I need attention/Catharsis

I'm not a whiner. I just lack engaging experiences. Hi.
 
Darkmakaimura said:
I can read and write and have basic English language skills but I don't think my writing proves I'm average IQ. In fact, my vocabulary is horrendous. You can see I generally write simplistically.

I've had many people think there's something wrong with me. I had one former friend who used to be a special education teacher who told me she thinks I'm 'slow' and 'underdeveloped'. Another former friend who works in the psychology field has told people similar about me. People who have known me long enough do think I'm at least mildly retarded.
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Based on the above I'd say you're of above average intelligence. Maybe you've improved since then or they were just wrong? I can't see anyone mildly retarded writing the above quote. I worked with a guy who had an IQ of 75 which was considered on the 'borderline retarded', according to my boss, who was also his father. This guy couldn't write a simple sentence on a piece of paper asking for more materials. Funnily enough he used to show me his texts to his girlfriend and they were quite coherent and understandable(given that they were texts in the first place).
 
Switters said:
First time posting in this thread. Any bi-polar peeps creepin? Wanna reminisce about some awesome highs? I miss them. Been a long time numb and drunk.

Switters: Dramatis personæ

Age: Older than you
Job: Minor functionary that everyone really likes
Hobbies: Drinking. Singing. Making music. Writing. World of Tanks.
Ethnicity/orientation: White/Straightish
Drugs on: Lamictal. Heineken.
Reason here: I need attention/Catharsis

I'm not a whiner. I just lack engaging experiences. Hi.
Click to expand...

Hi there! Come to the chat in OP. We will demand pictures and discuss everything from favorite tv shows to erm..well, Bagels will discuss that stuff :p Welcome to depgaf! (And if you really need help and such for a low, we are here too, we just tend to try to stay light hearted unless shit is going down )
 
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