Been involved with a number of good people for a number of years. Suddenly I feel like compared to them, I'm not really that relevant despite other people within said group telling me otherwise.
It blows, knowing I can't compare myself to them and my opinions are not really that important.
This just means that you feel crazy humble in the presence of amazing company and you should just really be happy you can bask in their greatness at their side even if you feel "unworthy". XD I feel like that all the time actually! And I regularly kind of cry internally about how I can't keep up with all the amazing, but .. .. it's okay. No one's asking me to keep up. They're happy to have me along. And I think.. objectively and realistically, a lot of them feel the exact same way about me and their other friends.
They wouldn't have you around and tolerate you if you didn't add to their own feeling of basking in your presence in some way. Just enjoy and grow with each other. It takes all sorts to make a group functional, you know. Even if you feel like the quiet one that isn't relevant, it could be your supportive presence that adds to the overall ambience~
Meh. Men still suck...
Or rather, I am stupid fo slightly opening up to them. Gonna shut myself up like a little clam again. I got the nickname before of Clamdon. XD it fits. Prax should draw me as a clam.
ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE~~~!
I always think of wil-song-t whenever I see your name, so here's a happy singing little clam that is your inner soul. XD He is full of hope and dreams but is kind of shy, so he usually only peeks out, but everyone thinks he's cute and probably delicious. I wouldn't know. I don't eat much seafood, but one time I had Clamato and it was tasty, and then I realized it actually had clams in it and never drank it again because it's seafood and I am biased. XD (That last sentence doesn't really have relevance to anything btw).
Found out yesterday that the girl who broke up with me in June because she was "too busy" is now dating someone else.
The effect it's having on me doesn't make sense. I cared about her, sure; I still do. But I also could see that there were some major differences that would have been big problems down the line, and I never saw myself marrying her.
I think maybe it's just compounding the larger issues I'm having, with feeling worthless and abandoned and lonely, and maybe I'm fixated on it because its something concrete to focus on.
It sucks. Tomorrow I start seeing an on-campus therapist; I hope he can help me.
Yeah, I think it's more to do with compounding disappointments. They add up over time to make a lot of frustration.
I hope you do get help from the therapist so you feel you can focus again on the things you want.
Like Darkwater said, it's likely the therapist will focus on getting you back on track in school and getting something concrete done instead of solving issues surrounding your past (because honestly, wrestling with those things and unravelling all the mystery could take years, while focusing on small academic goals like getting enough focus to pass a course is much more manageable in the short term). That is not a bad thing, but just keep that in mind in case you feel like the therapist is not getting to the "point" or working on solving the "source" of the problem.
My suggestion right now would be to balance out some of the disappointments you feel with things you like or make you feel happy. Give yourself a win-win so you don't feel like you're being let down by EVERYTHING in life. Here's a simple and kind of dumb example, but maybe it will help to cheer you anyway:
- flip a coin for a food you'd like to eat. heads, it will be your favourite savoury food (like fave burger place). Tails, it will be your favourite sweet food (like fave chocolate bar). This is to reward yourself for even deciding to see the therapist int he first place~! And either way, you will win something delicious!
Long-arsed post of whining/ranting ahead. Someone told me I should stop being afraid to speak up about what is going on with myself here. I've been withdrawing and kind of shutting off as a person in some ways to keep myself functioning and life moving along.
A bit tl;dr, but I welcome any advice. :3
[rant] Murphy's Law has really been applying to me lately. Everything kind of going fubar at once. I finish up working 8 days in a row today, and officially go part-time starting tomorrow. A couple days ago a major person in my family died and I have to pack when I get home tonight, drive to a city 2.5 hours away and stay the night to get on a morning flight to go back to my home province for monday-friday to make the funeral, visitation, etc. I fly back on the Friday and get to my current province in the afternoon, then probably home in the evening after the drive back, only to be up again at 5am for my weekend shifts.
I also got a 40 hour online course dumped on me last week that I'm supposed to finish for September for my work, because if not my work licence expires and I can't go to work again until I have it.
I should have had access to this course in some form as far back as 3 months ago. And it was supposed to be something scheduled into my work hours because I was supposed to have it as paid training.
Now it's on my own time, which I have NONE of because I constantly work a string of 6, 7 or 8 days in a row before I get a single day off. We have been understaffed since I was hired and the people responsible have done very little to remedy this. It particularly bothers me when I am fairly certain that I could do the management's job better and more efficiently than they have been. Yet I work ridiculous hours and get paid much less (despite the overtime) than I deserve. I can't wait to start working in power engineering- good bye student debts, credit card and hello new car!
So I'll be basically spending my 5 days home for a funeral seeing some family, maybe some friends and "working" for free.
Ugh, can't wait to have some real free time without any bullshit looming over me.
I'm looking forward to starting school part-time in September and working casual hours as a barista while in school. Me, the pooch, the bf and the kitties need some serious time to ourselves and to our lives. My place is a mess and I want time to clean, organize, decorate, write, draw and play my guitar/piano. Plus catch up on all the new vids I've picked up, been looking forward to but have had no time to play. I'm so overloaded that I can only manage to work, sleep (and even eat and shower sometimes) without feeling like anything else I do is a waste of precious mental energy.[/rant]
So they are forcing you to work, pretty much? That sounds rather.. what the heck-ish. Can you not just haggle your way into saying "hey look, you are supposed to PAY ME for this training, so I want my hours on this course logged as PAID TIME." Because you wouldn't be able to work otherwise, and they frankly sound like they NEED YOU, being understaffed and all. You are not a charity. They should be giving you something for this. :l
Hang in there. It sounds like only a little bit more until the home stretch and you can get some relaxing done soon!
And remind yourself that it's also okay to have a wasted a month doing nothing you particularly wanted just to get through. August might be a write-off for you. Just tell yourself that's okay (I am an expert at writing off wasted time, you see.. lol). You got good plans and good things coming up to make up for it.
So now I'm pretty sure I should attempt lucid dreaming when sleeping so I have some form of control over my dreams (which usually tend to make me feel like crap once I've woken up), but fuck going through sleep paralysis for that. I really have no control over anything, whether awake or asleep. I honestly just feel like a spectator in my life, or player 2, going along with whatever player 1 (life, or depression) decides to do. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on feeling like this.
Lucid dreaming is really cool but it only works sometimes! I lucid dream all the time but my dreams are too "smart" sometimes and prevents me from actually doing what I want (probably because another part of me is actually preventing me from "doing whatever I want" lol). Sleep paralysis will be less likely if you are in a completely dark room since your brain will still think you are "asleep" and dreaming will continue, instead of you seeing your room if there is dim light and realizing you can't move and then hallucinating possibly at the same time (which is when people will see/feel demons or something really messed up while thinking they are awake).
It sounds like you feel you don't have a sense of agency in your life, but somehow things still get done?? By magic almost???
I guess it will help if you can just objectively tell yourself that yes, this was you who did those things. You got through highschool. Maybe you don't know how and it's all a blur or your made a mess half the way, but you did it. You! Yeah~~!
You had scary meetup with internet person and omg, you were not murdered! You did it because you have computer needs (we all understand lol). No matter and anxiety, you did it anyway! The things that can be done with just a little desperation. it was in you all along!
So just remind yourself. Keep track of those little things in your mind. And maybe one day, it will seep in and help override those feelings of "what am I doing, I am just being swept away by life and I don't know what is happening". One day that thought can evolve into "what am I doing, I am being swept away by life and I don't know what's happening, but hahaha I am still afloat somehow~~ So awesome~".
I hope your computer is treating you okay now!!! I still have a mobo if you need it~~~
I'd be better off not feeling anything at all or dead.
You are still managing to get through the days somehow, so you're doing admirably despite it all.
Just keep focusing on your goal of moving out. Even if it doesn't seem realistic, at least it's something you can work toward and focus on.
Just got back from a 2 day "vacation" from my friend's place. Actually, I went to hang out on Friday night and he told me I could stay an extra night since nobody was currently renting the master bedroom until Monday.
Here's the kicker. I'm in a really deep depression today. Last night before falling asleep at my friend's place, I had a panic attack and couldn't move. I feel really weird right now in the sense that I kind of wanted to come home but at the same time I feel like shit here. I would also feel like shit even if I were to stay another couple nights or so at my buddy's.
It also doesn't help now that I found out Fringe season 5 got yanked from Netflix as I was only a couple episodes or so away from the finale.
That sounds like more "bleh" added on top of what you're already feeling. Though there are ways for you to watch the Fringe regardless, somehow?
Any idea what might have triggered the panic attack, or was it just random? Or perhaps the thought of going home? I'm just curious of course, you don't need to answer.
How was the rest of your vacation though? Did you have a mostly good time? Hopefully you can turn any sense of longing into a hopeful "one day to do again!" kind of feeling. More celebratory.
It was pretty surreal as things went down like this: They were at my place, he says he wants to go home and play BF3 (he told me the day before he could use a day or two alone with Skyrim and BF3), she says then maybe she'll crash at my place for the night, they go home in the end though, I tell her the day after jokingly that it's kinda lonely and that I miss having her around, she replies "Yeah you're a fantastic friend and it's much better living with you, but I have feelings for him and need to see where things are going", and she says its so goddamn casually, like I'm her gay friend or something.
This is all so weird because she acknowledges later on when I tell her I need my space, that she flirts too much and that she noticed me trying to get with her. Oh really? You know that and yet you tell me you have feelings for him like it wouldn't affect me in any way? We know each other pretty well, so she knows how I am and how I'm kind of sad and lonely, and yet things went the way they went.
But she seems to be leaving town soon. Wouldn't surprise me if they are kind of at a stand-still because he's just the kind of guy that doesn't fall in love very often. He fucks and flirts, but he rarely care enough for someone to settle down.
Going on vacation next week, and I'm going to her town (not because of her, but because my sister and many of my other friends lives there), so we'll meet and be friends, and lets see where she's at. At this point I'm satisfied with however things go.
Heh, funny story, I told her when I was flirting with her, that I was going there on my holiday. Then when I upload a picture on my Facebook of my plane-tickets, she instantly writes on our office chat "Why are you going there?", and I just tell her coldly "Because I'm going on vacation? Because my sister lives there? Because I have friends there". Turns out she got kind of pissed that I "didn't tell her", because she really wants to meet me, and she tells me this the week when she's with him instead of me, even if it would mean us just eating pizza and watching a good movie.
Fuck me, I shouldn't be this open on the internet about stupid shit, but it feels good just writing down what's going on, and knowing someone nice is reading.
And I would like to point out to whomever it concerns: I'm not going here, bashing her on the internet and crying "Friend-zone!" or "She just hates nice guys". I know things are more complicated than that, and I don't resent her, hate her or dislike her. It's the opposite actually, no matter where that leaves me.
Well, she's just manipulative and likes having the power rush, I take it. Some girls be like that. >_>
It sounds like you are emotionally probably not in a great place to be toyed with.. and she totally sounds like she loves to toy and test boundaries and "win" attention (not that she feels obligated to return any of it), so.. but mindful of that.
That's just how it sounds to me and I might be reading her completely wrong, but it definitely sounds like she knows what she's doing, and if you're not up to playing mindgames with her, it might not be a good time for you.
The strangest occurrences can reassure oneself of one's own sanity sometimes, such as your neighbors screaming like lunatics in the middle of the night, outside, as they demolish their microwave or some such appliance on the ground.
I don't even. What.
Ah yes, it's the absurdities in life that gives us a greater perspective on things.
Were they... having fun? Or were they "mad" at the appliance? <_<
So I appear to have had a little bit of a breakdown tonight. I can't write music. I have no inspiration, no creative energy anymore, and it's massively frustrating. :/ It's the only thing I want to do and I can't do it.
Has this been a creative block for a long while now or more recently?
Don't worry, it will pass and you will find your mood and muse again. It might take your forcing yourself to just "do it" though. Go through the motions with little exercises or challenges (I am sure there are "music challenge" memes or fandom memes or something that go around) until your brain and body remembers that it likes this.
I go through waves of this and it sucks because it's my true passion, but I feel like I haven't done anything serious in months.. //supersigh
BUT SOON! I HAVE HOPES!
I heard such a good joke today and I felt it would be unethical if I didn't share it with you guys. Hope it brings a smile to your faces.
One ink spot walked up to another ink spot and said "why are you crying?"
The other ink spot replied "because my dad is in the pen and I don't know how long the sentence will be!"
I am still laughing.
Noooo the punnnssss THE PUNNSS NOOOOOO noooooo... q___q
Maybe my sense of humour is off though..
SO LISTEN TO MY STORY AND BE THE JUDGE...
I nearly cracked up just facing things in my store last night (that is.. making sure products look nice on the shelf and are "facing" the right direction with labels showing, etc.). Anyway, I was facing a bunch of pet food products and I was pondering on the different images that they used for the different foods.
One was hairball control, so they have a picture of a really long-haired cat. One was weight control, so they have this normal looking cat, and I just wondered to myself if this certain breed was actually prone to be fat.
And then I came across food for
SENIOR CATS.
But then I kept reading it as.. ...
I am not racist (or so I think) but.. this made me want to crack up.. every.. time. XD
Food for the gentlemanly Senor Cats out there.
They got catfood for every kind of cat~!
Why bother doing anything, being passionate about knowledge when it only brings pain, hate and anguish?
What kind of knowledge are we talking about here?
I like knowledge and knowing things. Truth is good stuff.
And besides that, why not bother with passions? Might as well to keep yourself interested and busy and possibly even get you into it and zesty for more.
Mind you, there is a fine line between passion and obsession. I am not sure where that line really lays, but if it gives you zest, I say it's a passion. If it makes you feel awful, it's an obsession.
Why are you a sheriff ghost, Agent? How many Pacmans have you caught stealing all the gold coins today?
Day one of starting meds. 100mg of Faverin each day.
Here's to defeating head monsters!
Yay~! Good luck to ye~
Be patient and give it and yourself time to adjust. Hopefully it's effective for you.
It's weird how one moment in the day can just turn the anxiety on like a tap. As an agoraphobic, I hate being outside in the street with people, but it creeps into most of my life at home. Just now I had someone outside bang on my door, and generally I don't like answering the door unless I'm expecting someone. Yet somebody decided to bang on the door probably 4 or 5 times, like, seriously hard, and it raises all sorts of anxiety in me. Are you going to break in? If I answer, will you attack me? Why are you doing this?
Whoever it was, was probably totally innocent and was just obnoxious. Yet, this random person has completed sullied my afternoon and now I'm here fretting over whether this is someone who will come back later and try again, or what their motivations are, or what. Just one person. Ruining stuff. I hate it.
Okay, yeah. that sounds really weird and freaky.
I also don't like answering doors. It doesn't help that my doorbell is a little haywire and goes off in the middle of the night when the the door in front of it (you have to open the first door to get in to ring the bell int he first place! lol) is locked closed.. ~~~
My family and I have been starting to joke that's it's a ghost doing it though, and sometimes one of us if we're gutsy enough will open the door to no one and be like "who is ringing? hello? Go away!". Could be true it's a ghost! LOL --More likely weird wireless interference though.
Try to relax. Even open the door to see if they left a letter or something (now in your mind you can say "I took care of this"), and then do something else and get things done. They were obnoxious but they are not allowed to ruin this for you! You can take care of it and then continue on.
