A poem can be also a powerful weapon. I kid you not. I sent one on a birthday card to a girl and that card is a decoration on her desk so she can read it whenever she wants.
It was a poem about laughter translated to english from spanish by Pablo Neruda. According to her, it was great in english, but when I read the spanish version to her, she enjoyed it even more.
tl;dr poems are nice too, use a Neruda poem if you can kthxbye
Write a crown of sonnets from maximum damage
Perfect response :lol
Anyway. Seriously long wall of text whine incoming xD Guys, I could probably use a slap in the face right about now (not literally this time, or maybe I do, you tell me). I'm still very much hung up over my fwb. A "quick" recap might be in order: Met her last October but she had a boyfriend. We talked over text for a while but drifted apart. She broke up with her boyfriend and I found out by running into her in a bookstore after new years I believe. She took me home the week after and we hooked up, though sex between us was terrible and always have been due to very poor communication. Me wanting experience from as many girls as possible and her being just out of a long relationship, it seemed like a perfect fit, let's have fun, learn from each other and see what happens. But our feelings grew, though at different rates. I fell deeply in love but since I had not truly experienced that before and and was also conflicted with my own wants and needs in life, I never told her nor was I being honest with myself. I wanted to eat the cake and still have it essentially. Feeling disrespected and mistreated over something that in hindsight was really stupid on my part (though the feelings were legit) led to me breaking up with her. The way I did it was to just break contact and delete her from my life without a word, which in anger felt justified and the correct way to do it according to what I've been taught. It does feel rather immature right now though and it was the beginning of our downfall. But we bounced back, seemingly, and things felt great again. But she wasn't ready for a relationship still and I got incredibly needy and couldn't help myself from pushing her. Somewhere around here she's talking to her ex again and he says or does something to her that destroys her on the inside. To this day I have no clue what happened, though it seemed to require medicine and perhaps therapy to fix. She has refused to tell me, there's only like 2-3 people who know the whole story. She felt comfortable and liked my company enough to want to spend time with me during this phase, with me being an oasis she can escape to. Hearing this made my love even stronger. But I was being really stupid and kept pushing for the truth which made her shut down entirely, no sex, no sleeping over, no getting to know each other. Not knowing what the hell to do to fix everything, I became desperate, made her feel even worse and eventually I left her again because I felt like shit and the situation wasn't fixable. I honestly thought saying goodbye over text wasn't gonna be a big deal, it had been our primary way of talking and I can't recall a single phone call to this day. I was so trapped in my own head that I never really considered what impact all this would have on her. She's always acted even more carefree than me so I didn't even know she had romantic feelings for me at all, though it should've been obvious, all things considered. We didn't speak for a week or so until we decided to meet up and just lash out at each other and vent. It felt very cathartic to me and truly a turning point for us. This was where I realized that most of the issues we had was because of me, or as she put it, I was the one keeping the ghost of her ex alive, stuck in between us, while she was just trying to forget it all while I kept bringing it up. Hearing this I was able to finally let the past go. But she wouldn't have it. The risk of getting hurt a third time was too great, while I truly felt that the third time's the lucky charm. So we drifted apart again. I don't remember all the details of what happened next but during our time apart I became very depressed, crying, always in a terrible mood, not enjoying life at all. I broke up with her because I wanted the summer to be a fresh start with new people to make me feel good but I have never experienced a bigger backfire...
Then she came back. This was maybe 2 months ago, give or take. All of a sudden, after more than a month of radio silence, the time frames are really floating together here for me, a random message of affection appears on facebook, only days after I had deleted my friend request and decided that it's time to move on. And every wall I had built crumbled, every feeling for her that I had kept inside poured out over the next week. Sometimes you just don't know how important and valuable something is until it's gone for good. She was speechless over how I felt for her and so was I to be honest. Having been apart, I had realized that I am in love with her and told her so. But, during our time apart, she had met an old friend that she fell in love with. I have decided not to be angry at her for this, she can't help that nor is it a bad thing for her, and all of this is my fault anyway. I've always told myself that yeah, I've done stupid things to her and hurt her badly, but my actions were always a consequence of hers, so it's on her all of this. But that's not really fair, I'm still the one who acted on my stupid impulses when I had a choice not to, which most likely have cost me a deep meaningful relationship with a dream girl. I have to take responsibility for my own actions and not blame her for them. So for the past month or so, I've been pouring my heart out over facebook and texts, trying to win this girl back. She told me after a week that she is not in a relationship with this guy so that's why, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered probably. She wanted a relationship but he didn't due to his own ex so she wasn't sure what she wanted to do anymore or how she truly felt, which is probably why she started talking more and more with me again. But I'm not sure anymore where this is going. Has everything I've said and done been in vain and been entirely futile, not to mention probably making me look like a psycho and the biggest wimp in history? I considered giving up and being angry after she told me about this new guy, and I did for a day, until I realized that I don't want to lose her without a fight at least. Even with all these troubles, I am in love with her and my affection has only grown throughout all this, as crazy as that may be.
So where are we standing today? You tell me. A broken glass will never look the same, you guys will most likely tell me to forget it all and come out a better person with new wisdoms, which I have already, and not one friend has said anything different. Yet I have refused to listen up to this point. Sending very expensive flowers, most likely being the first to congratulate her on her birthday this Wednesday, trying my hardest not to be pushy and being understanding and explaining my actions and feelings have felt great for me, very cleansing, and she seems to be appreciating it all. I have suggested meeting up to talk and see if there's a spark left between us. But she's a nice enough girl that she hasn't been willing to do something like that since it would hurt the new guy, so respect to her I suppose. Calling has been off the radar as well, but not texting and facebook, which is where everything starts falling apart for me. Why is she doing all this? Everything points to me being on the backburner but I'm not getting the full picture of course. On the other hand, she has never had a vicious nature, she wouldn't keep talking to me just to hurt me more. She could've stopped responding at any minute, even as new arguments arose, but no. That initial facebook contact could've been skipped too. And after her birthday and this last Saturday coming up, she could've chosen not to tell me which club she would be spending her party at. But she told me where she would be and asked me if I wanted to buy her a drink as a present. She could've ignored my texts instead of telling me exactly where to find her. And she definitely could've chosen not to come see me, but she did. I'm pretty sure this guy was present at her party, yet she came back into my arms anyway. Finally, after not seeing each other in real life for almost three months, since the middle of May or so, we found ourselves on either side of a dance floor. She was obviously happy to see me, it felt like the music died and the world stopped during those 3 silent minutes in each others arms, until her friends angrily dragged her off since I'm the bad guy these days.
I wish the story has had a happy ending around here, but no. I don't know what else I can do, or how I should proceed. I had told her that I was going away on vacation to my hometown for the rest of August basically and I'm writing this from there. I asked her Sunday morning if she could meet me for 15 minutes before I left but she couldn't, because of reasons. She's always had a hard time expressing feelings in direct manners, unless they're negative, and trying to force her to make decisions has backfired before so I've tried not to push her as I'm trying to show her that I want to make up for past mistakes and build a new foundation with her if she would let me. Since we couldn't meet up because of what sounded like very poor excuses (making our meeting the night before feel like a courtesy farewell and fuck off basically, but this is also very unlike her), I placed a necklace of mine, that I wore when I met her the first time, in my mailbox. I asked her to go get it for me and safekeep it until I return in a few weeks. If she does, I'll know that my efforts have not been in vain, and if she doesn't, we're through and nothing can ever fix us basically. Felt like an okay and cute indirect manner of telling me if she wants me back or not, though in hindsight maybe quite pushy as well. I'm such a sucker for the cheesy romantic stuff but I don't know if it's having the desired effect or not. I haven't heard a peep since I wrote that to her and it's been close to three days now. She has disappeared like this before though during these few weeks, usually because she doesn't know what to say due to conflicted feelings. She doesn't want to lead me on either but she kinda does anyway. Seeing on her face and body language just how much she likes me and that she has missed me just as much as I her on the dance floor this weekend has made these weeks all worth it to me. I just don't know what she's thinking and/or doing. The thought of her talking to me but not wanting to meet up and the very probable possibility that she regularly goes to bed with this other guy is heart wrenching even though I only have myself to kick for it.
So guys, how much of an idiot am I? I know I've been going on about this girl for ages now and I must sound so dumb :lol But I truly do love this girl and have turned down so many others during these 10~ months because of just how good she has made me feel. Of course, at some point enough is enough. I've made that decision twice now and she once and it has been the wrong decision every time so I can't really trust myself with letting go again. And I won't know for sure that it's over until I come back home on Aug 22nd and check my mailbox, unless she contacts me again. I'm afraid to contact her again after that message too for some reason. I've suggested and tried keeping our conversations light and fun instead of so dead serious and just see what happens, again not to be pushy but since I haven't heard anything, it feels weird going back to talking right now.
I've broken pretty much every principle I stand for with this girl and to some extent, that's why I'm feeling like shit, but it's also the only reason she's still a part of my life, and when I've decided to start applying my rules again, I've only felt worse and made her feel terrible as well. Maybe I'm blinded by love, but even with these issues and shit we're going through, she is my dream girl, the ways she challenge me, intellectually primarily, is something I've never experienced before. I want her to be my reality girl
Our different outlooks on life is challenging but also makes me feel like I'm learning and developing, and it makes improving myself feel even better. We've always had the potential to be awesome together, we both agree on that and that we've just had bad timing. I don't want to squander that potential by just giving up and moving on. At least not yet. Am I thinking this through correctly at all? I can't tell anymore.
It would seem my efforts have made her warm up to the idea of being with me, otherwise she wouldn't have met me this Saturday, especially not if the new guy was downstairs. On the other hand, she has gone awol again and is obviously not by my side either. Getting away from the apartment and getting some rest here seemed like the proper choice to make but it hasn't been working so far.
TLDR: Leaving my fwb made us both feel like shit and I've been trying to fix it since she came back into my life again but I'm not sure it's working or the right thing to do. I love her and I want her heart more than anything in my life at the moment.
My future roommates are taking bloody forever to find an apartment, I was supposed to me moved with in them by now.
