Vermillion
Banned
Ah, but it is.
Tell me this - what is it that is your problem, exactly? Is it in making friends? Is it in finding people? Are you in school or not?
Dating-Age |OT4| Realise You're Living in the Golden Years
- Thread starter Minamu
- Start date
- Status
Ah, but it is.
Tell me this - what is it that is your problem, exactly? Is it in making friends? Is it in finding people? Are you in school or not?
grap3fruitman
Banned
stn
Member
This is actually the very last time I'm going to acknowledge you at all if you don't give at least some semblance of an answer.
Why does your life suck? Give specifics.
grap3fruitman
Banned
Dating, or lack thereof, was part of the problem but it's a bigger discussion and I didn't want to gum up this thread with more of my bullshit so I've been trying to keep my posts here to a minimum. Let's take this to a more appropriate place of discussion: http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=76922319&postcount=4185
False Witness
Member
FalseWitness, why you mad at meI don't "draw people in" so no need to worry about me hurting random guys? Lol.
Heh, I'm not mad at anyone. I also don't think you're playing people either. I was just pointing out your optimism about staying out of relationships is kind of weird because you really do seem like you'd like to find someone. I'm just worried you'll end up pushing someone that you do like away because of your hangups or whatever, you know? You'll want to take it further, but won't want to screw it up, so you'll never make or accept a move.
Edit: Eh, my response to grap3 wasn't all that important.
HalfBakedProphet
Member
I understand your position better than you know. I won't get into my full story here but for several years i suffered from thoughts of suicide, had 10 years of severe depression and social anxiety. I woke up everyday with no purpose, no friends, no contacts, no life. Especially no girlfriend. I was a virgin into my mid 20s. Im here to tell you it can get better.
Get off GAF. Seek a therapist. Find a school activity or volunteer program that forces you out into the world in conjunction with the therapy. Your social skills have atrophied, you're not going to be great at it starting out. Its like a muscle, you need to work on it to see improvement. No amount of discussion or pity party posts here is going to change that. Its something you gotta DO. It's a slow process but it can start tomorrow if you're ready to stop living in the hole
I think it depends on how much you guys were feeling each other. If you guys really hit it off and everything and went on a another date shortly after I'd go for it. If not you should probably save it.
Haha well there's no men in my life so it doesn't matter anyway.
and I like it that way. No worries!I don't care that this is not the depression thread, I'm gonna reply to your post in there anyway. First of all: You need to change. In several ways. Starting with your behavior, and leading up to your thought process. The way you're thinking now makes you miss out on soooo many cool things in life. An elated feeling when a cute girl smiles at you during conversation. And smiles again. Beautiful red/orange/purple clouds drifting by. Feeling cooling raindrops on your skin when it's been burning hot out all day. Dancing the night away at a concert of your favorite band. Getting drunk with friends and falling of your chair.
This is not meant to make you jealous. But you have to change. Because I think everyone should be able to appreciate even these smallest things in life. These, among others, make living worthwhile. At least for me. And if you're unable to get joy out of anything in life, I would like you to change that. Just because I want anyone te live a happy, fulfilling life. Yeah, that includes "a fucking negative-ass weirdo loser" (your words, not mine).
Being so preoccupied with thinking about yourself like that, beating yourself down, will limit, and negatively influence you in sooo many ways. It will limit your succes, because you think you can't do anything. It will limit your social interaction with other people, because you automatically assume nobody wants to talk to you. So you avoid talking to other people. But how will you know if somebody actually does like talking to you, if you never find out?
You think you lack ambition. Why do you want it? Because you think other people will judge you if you don't have ambition, or is it because you want yourself to be more ambitious? If it's the latter: it's entirely up to you get good at things you find important. If it's the former: fuck them. Don't think about their judgment. Really, just set that aside.
And thinking about other people getting married, comparing yourself to them will only lead to jealousy. To your own unfulfilled wishes and a lot of bitterness. But you are not them. You have a lot of shit to deal with, so there is nothing WRONG with you being in the situation you're in, with not being at the same point in life. The only thing that is wrong, is you not getting out of life what you want. Stop comparing yourself to others, and work on who you are.
I have dealt/am dealing with EVERY single thing you posted in the depression thread. It's not as severe for me, so I'm not depressed, so I can't tell you exactly what to do. But I know that for me it takes constant work to change myself. Every single fucking day. And I'm not where I want to be just yet. But life is much better now for me then it was a couple of years ago. And I want the same for you.
The mother of a good friend of mine tried to commit suicide three months ago. She was a borderline cheating alcoholic who could only find joy in drunken seduction of other guys. She went to rehab and is now seeing her shrink. She found a mixture of medication that works for her, now has her own home, and has a kitty. She's not there yet. But she is getting there. HalfBakedProphet has likely gone through a lot of the same shit you have to face and managed to get out of it (as far as I can tell in this thread). So it can be done.
I want to offer you help. I'm not a licensed therapist, so I suggest you go find one of those. But I can offer to just talk to you. Any time you feel the need to talk to someone, any time you're feeling lonely, shoot me a PM. Please.
The Artful Dodger
Member
Haven't posted in this one yet, but thought about it. Being unemployed sucks. I don't really have a problem asking women out, and am not really socially awkward, but I feel awkward asking a girl out if I do not having a steady paycheck and am collecting unemployment.
There's no real cure for this I suppose, hahaha (other than landing a job, hopefully soon!), and sometimes it doesn't stop me from asking a lady out, but nevertheless it weighs on me.
There's no real cure for this I suppose, hahaha (other than landing a job, hopefully soon!), and sometimes it doesn't stop me from asking a lady out, but nevertheless it weighs on me.
Went out to the first Meetup and a lot of fun! It's been 7 years since I've really done anything with people my age, but it's nice to see I haven't lost my knack for making friends. Looking forward to the next one tomorrow!
Actually had so much fun that I decided I may as well put myself out on other places, and made an OkCupid profile (how's that for a heel-turn?) Here it is!
How is it? Definitely rough- I haven't so much as updated my resume in a few years- but I made sure to be honest. Most difficult part was finding photos. I searched around online and on some friends' devices and actually managed to find three that have been taken within the last year. I'm thinking of taking the second photo out, because I totally don't look my age, but at the same time I'm not the most photogenic person out there. Better than nothing, right?
Oi, and seeing as every similar user is listed as "more adventurous", you'd think I was a heck of a boring guy. Not true, OkC! I'm just a total introvert.
Actually had so much fun that I decided I may as well put myself out on other places, and made an OkCupid profile (how's that for a heel-turn?) Here it is!
How is it? Definitely rough- I haven't so much as updated my resume in a few years- but I made sure to be honest. Most difficult part was finding photos. I searched around online and on some friends' devices and actually managed to find three that have been taken within the last year. I'm thinking of taking the second photo out, because I totally don't look my age, but at the same time I'm not the most photogenic person out there. Better than nothing, right?
Oi, and seeing as every similar user is listed as "more adventurous", you'd think I was a heck of a boring guy. Not true, OkC! I'm just a total introvert.
JStein0222
Member
Going on a trip to NYC next week.
Getting dinner with an ex girlfriend, staying with ex girlfriend #2 that night, going to a broadway show with ex girlfriend #3 the following day.
I don't know why people flock to NYC after I have dated them. If I don't come back you know why.
Getting dinner with an ex girlfriend, staying with ex girlfriend #2 that night, going to a broadway show with ex girlfriend #3 the following day.
I don't know why people flock to NYC after I have dated them. If I don't come back you know why.
cornontheCoD
Neo Member
I just wanted to stop by and mention that I'm seeing a therapist now. This maybe should be in the depression thread, but I feel like it belongs in here, what with some of the posts in here lately. I'm mainly talking to grapefruitman, but for anyone being told to go to or considering a therapist: do it. My life hasn't completely changed yet, but at the very least, I feel better. And if you're worried about the money, most insurance plans can cover the cost completely, depending on how often you go. Depending on your age, your parents' insurance plan could even cover it.
Did I just run into some kind of last minute resistance or something? Last night a girl I've only met once invited me to a party that I went to. To the best of my knowledge, the only reason we are in contact is because of sexual interest. It didn't take long until we were making out in front of all her friends, having a good time. We ended up in her bed after the clubs and some food but due to waaaay too much alcohol, we both decided not to have sex and we went to "sleep", if you can call it that after having thrown up twice xD This morning she has completely shut down and is clearly not interested in me being in her bed at all. She's like when did I ever say I wanted to have sex with you, while we're laying in bed in only our underwear, like it's the most normal thing in the world xD I'm not one to beg or ask what I did wrong so I basically just up and leave. Now I'm too hung over to even eat some burgers at McDonald's on the wrong side of town, trying to find my way home. Great ONS experience :lol
Hypereides
Member
Was out drinking yesterday, first time in a few months. Wound up cockteasing some chick I had no interest in and making her mad horny. She hasn't had any since April.
I'm evil, I know.
I'm evil, I know.
ThLunarian
Member
Overall it's good. I might try to take another picture of yourself dressed up nice. You can get rid of the second one, and I'm not too crazy about the third but it's not a deal breaker. I don't really get the pack if geese thing; maybe tone down the Self Summary section a little. The rest of it seems okay.
Changing the subject: I went on a date last night with a girl whose mannerisms and personality were scarily similar to my own. Like, she reacted to everything I said and did in the exact same way that I'd react to someone else. It kind of weirded me out and I'm not sure how to evaluate the date. She seemed really into me so I'm gonna go out with her again, but it was just very strange.
I laughed at this. She probably is pissed off. Time for her to pull the toy out I suppose.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
I totally think you should go for it.
Depends on what sort of kiss it was though, e.g. don't reciprocate a cheek kiss with a french one.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
I know better than to ask four days ahead of time for a date. Fuck me for letting my emotions get the best of me.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
I asked "A" to have late lunch Tuesday, but she's says she's working. I stupidly asked her about meeting up Thursday when I should have waited until Tuesday to ask. I want to see her again soon too much.
If she says she can't then I'll tell her to contact me if she wants to meet up before moving on. I really like her but if she's not interested than no point pursuing it.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
It sounds like a win/win to me.
IF she's not interested, you find that out so much sooner, if she is - well, why wait?
ThLunarian
Member
Maybe there's some information missing, but it sounds like you're way overthinking it. Relax a little. It doesn't sound like you did anything out of bounds, and if she likes you then this 'mistake' isn't going to change that.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
I just don't want to come across as desperate. I don't think I am. She really, really impressed me last week. I had a great time talking to her.
Over-thinking is a specialty of mine lol I know that's a logical evaluation, but sometimes my emotions overpower reasonable thinking.
I hear you. What's worse is when you're unemployed and don't even have your own place. I'm too embarrassed about my situation to ask any girls out, despite otherwise being more confident about approaching girls than I've ever been in my life. It sucks but I just keep job searching and using my free time to improve myself. Not much else you can do.
HalfBakedProphet
Member
Ok guys (and gals), I'm out.
New semester starts, im going to be out living life and focusing on things I need to work on and/or I'm personally passionate about (mostly running, volunteering and expanding my social circle). No more GAF for a while. Im glad I got to share some ideas with everyone here, it's a cool community here on GAF and in this thread. I didn't want this to be some ego boost, attention whoring post, however i didn't want to just fall off the map with zero notice either. I'll probably be back around new year, but until then here is a final thought.
Most of us don't fully understand or appreciate our own value nor do we share if with others. I think this is where a lot of our social failings occur. When we aren't being genuine or honest with those around us, it's really fucking difficult to make those deeper connections most of us strive for. We cage ourselves within mental, imaginary boundaries and then complain because we feel trapped. I have faith everyone here has the capacity to be successful, especially you guys who have been posting for years with little progress (im looking at you, Xun and grap3). Like a motherfucking phoenix rising from the ashes, you can cut through all those years of failure and anxiety and rise up in a glorious moment of triumph. Redemption is waiting on the other side if you push through your fears, I promise that. But you need to get out of your own way. All those hangups, all the baggage, all the negativity? Time to let go.
with that, I leave you with my favorite dating age posts ever.
New semester starts, im going to be out living life and focusing on things I need to work on and/or I'm personally passionate about (mostly running, volunteering and expanding my social circle). No more GAF for a while. Im glad I got to share some ideas with everyone here, it's a cool community here on GAF and in this thread. I didn't want this to be some ego boost, attention whoring post, however i didn't want to just fall off the map with zero notice either. I'll probably be back around new year, but until then here is a final thought.
Most of us don't fully understand or appreciate our own value nor do we share if with others. I think this is where a lot of our social failings occur. When we aren't being genuine or honest with those around us, it's really fucking difficult to make those deeper connections most of us strive for. We cage ourselves within mental, imaginary boundaries and then complain because we feel trapped. I have faith everyone here has the capacity to be successful, especially you guys who have been posting for years with little progress (im looking at you, Xun and grap3). Like a motherfucking phoenix rising from the ashes, you can cut through all those years of failure and anxiety and rise up in a glorious moment of triumph. Redemption is waiting on the other side if you push through your fears, I promise that. But you need to get out of your own way. All those hangups, all the baggage, all the negativity? Time to let go.
with that, I leave you with my favorite dating age posts ever.
kame-sennin said:
kame-sennin said:
I did it, GAF, I got my first girlfriend!
For as long as I've known, I was always quiet in public settings. While I could be fairly zany and lively with my family and friends, meeting newer people eluded me. This didn't worry me however, as I was content with my life in an oftentimes closed off bubble. The one thing that bothered me, even as a kid, was my incessant longing for romance. My mom has always been very loving, with plenty of acknowledgments of that filled with hugs and kisses. As such, my crushes were often passionate, but not exactly reasonable. Eight years -first grade to the end of middle school- I had a crush on a single girl who I believed to be wonderful. It took me a long time to realize that even if she was, she was too different from me interests wise to really even have a chance at getting close to her. I was blind to my shortcomings being the child I was. The shortcomings in question: my inability and shyness to approaching new people.
In fifth grade, I lived in another, much bigger city for a year, after which I'd return home. Unfortunately, when I returned in time for middle school, it seemed as if everyone had changed. I only had my closest friends left, everyone else became a massive hurdle to communicate with. Luckily, through various activities like improv teams and theater (where I even got the lead role!) I built some acquaintances up at the least. However this was where I discovered myself to be an introvert, and consumed myself into the persona I invisioned. At a few points I began to accept not making new friends, believing myself to be so totally disinterested by social gatherings that it was okay to not make an effort to talk to others. By the end of middle school, teachers did say I wasn't so bashful like I was at the start and I pulled myself out of my introverted funk enough to change my future outlook.
Two years ago, when I started High School, I promised myself to become a more sociable person. A guy people could look at as a valued friend, who wasn't afraid of making a fool of himself in public and though not always a talker, could be incredibly social. To start off, I did what any teen in the modern age would do, look up advice on the internet! It ranged from sites like Succeed Socially to Simple Pickup. These rough guidelines gave me a clue on where to start. Small talk was pretty awkward and brief at first, very rough around the edges. As the year went on I developed a new crush and tried what I learned on her. It was successful a fair amount, but bombed somewhat too. Needless to say, a fruitless effort, but not without teaching me valuable lessons.
That first summer after freshman year, I went on a trip to a catholic youth conference that an adult organizer pestered me into, going as far as to pay for it. I wasn't all too excited about going but I figured hey, why not? It was fun, but it didn't do too much for invigorating my faith (I fall between catholic and agnostic). However, on the last night on the long bus ride home, everyone stayed up late. For some strange reason, we were all so overtired it had a slightly similar effect to drunkenness. It gave me a way to really open myself up, and I ended up talking to a girl I only made passing comments to on the trip a good part of that night. The next morning as we were all leaving, I made a move that was bold for me at the time, I asked her for her phone number. This was where I had the epiphany on how effortless it could be to make conversation.
The following school year -this past year- big changes occurred. At the beginning, I went to a fair and met a girl who was interested, so I gave her my number. Told friends about it, which led to a teasing nickname, which led to more guys calling me it, which led to just about every guy in the sophomore class becoming my friend in some way. I instantly became more popular and had better opportunities to talk to others. (By the way, the girl from the fair I figured out was crazy and dropped her, and the girl from the conference I gradually stopped talking to, both ending around November.) I was more sociable at school than I had ever been, as in the past it was harder to talk to people who already established me as quiet when really I could be quite eccentric. I met one more girl (this time online) where nothing came out of it but that was okay, it was another experience under my belt. Throughout the course of that year many more things happened that significantly made me take a long hard look at myself that I won't get into, but you could call the year overall life changing.
Then in May, I got a text from the girl from the conference the previous year, saying we should meet up again. The first day we did at the beginning of June, we spent the whole day together. Up until the next catholic youth conference in July there were quite a few meetups, calls and such. From my perspective, I could see some mutual interest growing with the flirting I was already doing. So, on the trip, I upped my flirting to 11, using every chance I could to touch her and tease her. We did a lot that could only be fit for a couple, not two friends, and she came really close to confessing, doing all but outright admitting her feelings. Soon after the trip, we confessed and got together.
Its been a good two weeks now since we started dating, and my situation couldn't look better. To me, she's the most incredible girl I've ever known. Very responsible, moral, smart, and beautiful, with a smile and constant joyfulness that never leaves her face. Some might think she's really weird with how upbeat and corny she can be, but that's what I love about her. She's the opposite of me in my sarcastic wit. I'm often finding myself wondering how I was lucky enough to land an amazing girl like her. When she told me she liked how funny and romantic I am and how we never run out of things to talk about after what seems like 100s of hours of conversation, I realized how well I achieved my goal. She even told me she had a bit of feelings for me when we talked the previous year, meaning in retrospect I might have achieved my goal a long time ago. I apparently even changed her mind about holding off on dating till college, which either means her conviction wasn't that strong (which I doubt cause she's really stubborn) or I worked some magic.
Then I look back on this last summer and remember all the chance encounters I had with various girls. Without even realizing it I had become more flirty, a great conversationalist, and had enough charm that I'm sure I won over a few of those girls I met. Not to mention the quality that's above it all: unshakably confident. I'm consistently impressed by my growth, and plan to continue growing in a positive direction.
Since last year, I've oftentimes read DatingAge as a source of fellowship in my endeavors, indulging in various members' stories ranging from great success to failure and comeback. Thanks for the great secondhand advice and inspiring stories! Though sorry for this huge wall of text, I couldn't help but pour my heart out when I think about the big picture for me!
EDIT: To add to my story, I've had intense bouts of crying over my life since middle school even as close as back in May. I'm a very emotional person, so their frequency was as much as once every other week for months on end. There are always going to be times where you might feel alone, like no one really cares, but you can't let such thoughts ruminate in your head as they can often do in mine. In my situation, I realized it was my subconscious telling me these negative things when the truth was I mattered to more people then I could name. It was an irrational borderline depression if not for one thing, my positive, optimistic attitude. I had to expel all that negativity in my system in my own way, crying, before I could feel better. With that taken care of, I was able to take on the world, holding onto the hope, the dream, that tremendous worlds will open before my very eyes if I was patient. You must hold on to this rope of hope for as long as you can, and if you can, have others hold on to it with you if you let them.
Although you might be pining for what is to come, don't forget, although you want someone special in the future and someone who thinks of you as special, remember that you are special right now. You just haven't found the person who can see that yet. It's no bullshit, you are unique. Several girls over this past year were surprised to find out I've never had a girlfriend, which took me by surprise in turn! I was viewed as desirable?! To think my confidence was so shot, that any source of humbleness I had morphed into uncertainty in my ability. Next time, I don't want to be surprised by a reaction like that.
For as long as I've known, I was always quiet in public settings. While I could be fairly zany and lively with my family and friends, meeting newer people eluded me. This didn't worry me however, as I was content with my life in an oftentimes closed off bubble. The one thing that bothered me, even as a kid, was my incessant longing for romance. My mom has always been very loving, with plenty of acknowledgments of that filled with hugs and kisses. As such, my crushes were often passionate, but not exactly reasonable. Eight years -first grade to the end of middle school- I had a crush on a single girl who I believed to be wonderful. It took me a long time to realize that even if she was, she was too different from me interests wise to really even have a chance at getting close to her. I was blind to my shortcomings being the child I was. The shortcomings in question: my inability and shyness to approaching new people.
In fifth grade, I lived in another, much bigger city for a year, after which I'd return home. Unfortunately, when I returned in time for middle school, it seemed as if everyone had changed. I only had my closest friends left, everyone else became a massive hurdle to communicate with. Luckily, through various activities like improv teams and theater (where I even got the lead role!) I built some acquaintances up at the least. However this was where I discovered myself to be an introvert, and consumed myself into the persona I invisioned. At a few points I began to accept not making new friends, believing myself to be so totally disinterested by social gatherings that it was okay to not make an effort to talk to others. By the end of middle school, teachers did say I wasn't so bashful like I was at the start and I pulled myself out of my introverted funk enough to change my future outlook.
Two years ago, when I started High School, I promised myself to become a more sociable person. A guy people could look at as a valued friend, who wasn't afraid of making a fool of himself in public and though not always a talker, could be incredibly social. To start off, I did what any teen in the modern age would do, look up advice on the internet! It ranged from sites like Succeed Socially to Simple Pickup. These rough guidelines gave me a clue on where to start. Small talk was pretty awkward and brief at first, very rough around the edges. As the year went on I developed a new crush and tried what I learned on her. It was successful a fair amount, but bombed somewhat too. Needless to say, a fruitless effort, but not without teaching me valuable lessons.
That first summer after freshman year, I went on a trip to a catholic youth conference that an adult organizer pestered me into, going as far as to pay for it. I wasn't all too excited about going but I figured hey, why not? It was fun, but it didn't do too much for invigorating my faith (I fall between catholic and agnostic). However, on the last night on the long bus ride home, everyone stayed up late. For some strange reason, we were all so overtired it had a slightly similar effect to drunkenness. It gave me a way to really open myself up, and I ended up talking to a girl I only made passing comments to on the trip a good part of that night. The next morning as we were all leaving, I made a move that was bold for me at the time, I asked her for her phone number. This was where I had the epiphany on how effortless it could be to make conversation.
The following school year -this past year- big changes occurred. At the beginning, I went to a fair and met a girl who was interested, so I gave her my number. Told friends about it, which led to a teasing nickname, which led to more guys calling me it, which led to just about every guy in the sophomore class becoming my friend in some way. I instantly became more popular and had better opportunities to talk to others. (By the way, the girl from the fair I figured out was crazy and dropped her, and the girl from the conference I gradually stopped talking to, both ending around November.) I was more sociable at school than I had ever been, as in the past it was harder to talk to people who already established me as quiet when really I could be quite eccentric. I met one more girl (this time online) where nothing came out of it but that was okay, it was another experience under my belt. Throughout the course of that year many more things happened that significantly made me take a long hard look at myself that I won't get into, but you could call the year overall life changing.
Then in May, I got a text from the girl from the conference the previous year, saying we should meet up again. The first day we did at the beginning of June, we spent the whole day together. Up until the next catholic youth conference in July there were quite a few meetups, calls and such. From my perspective, I could see some mutual interest growing with the flirting I was already doing. So, on the trip, I upped my flirting to 11, using every chance I could to touch her and tease her. We did a lot that could only be fit for a couple, not two friends, and she came really close to confessing, doing all but outright admitting her feelings. Soon after the trip, we confessed and got together.
Its been a good two weeks now since we started dating, and my situation couldn't look better. To me, she's the most incredible girl I've ever known. Very responsible, moral, smart, and beautiful, with a smile and constant joyfulness that never leaves her face. Some might think she's really weird with how upbeat and corny she can be, but that's what I love about her. She's the opposite of me in my sarcastic wit. I'm often finding myself wondering how I was lucky enough to land an amazing girl like her. When she told me she liked how funny and romantic I am and how we never run out of things to talk about after what seems like 100s of hours of conversation, I realized how well I achieved my goal. She even told me she had a bit of feelings for me when we talked the previous year, meaning in retrospect I might have achieved my goal a long time ago. I apparently even changed her mind about holding off on dating till college, which either means her conviction wasn't that strong (which I doubt cause she's really stubborn) or I worked some magic.
Then I look back on this last summer and remember all the chance encounters I had with various girls. Without even realizing it I had become more flirty, a great conversationalist, and had enough charm that I'm sure I won over a few of those girls I met. Not to mention the quality that's above it all: unshakably confident. I'm consistently impressed by my growth, and plan to continue growing in a positive direction.
Since last year, I've oftentimes read DatingAge as a source of fellowship in my endeavors, indulging in various members' stories ranging from great success to failure and comeback. Thanks for the great secondhand advice and inspiring stories! Though sorry for this huge wall of text, I couldn't help but pour my heart out when I think about the big picture for me!
EDIT: To add to my story, I've had intense bouts of crying over my life since middle school even as close as back in May. I'm a very emotional person, so their frequency was as much as once every other week for months on end. There are always going to be times where you might feel alone, like no one really cares, but you can't let such thoughts ruminate in your head as they can often do in mine. In my situation, I realized it was my subconscious telling me these negative things when the truth was I mattered to more people then I could name. It was an irrational borderline depression if not for one thing, my positive, optimistic attitude. I had to expel all that negativity in my system in my own way, crying, before I could feel better. With that taken care of, I was able to take on the world, holding onto the hope, the dream, that tremendous worlds will open before my very eyes if I was patient. You must hold on to this rope of hope for as long as you can, and if you can, have others hold on to it with you if you let them.
Although you might be pining for what is to come, don't forget, although you want someone special in the future and someone who thinks of you as special, remember that you are special right now. You just haven't found the person who can see that yet. It's no bullshit, you are unique. Several girls over this past year were surprised to find out I've never had a girlfriend, which took me by surprise in turn! I was viewed as desirable?! To think my confidence was so shot, that any source of humbleness I had morphed into uncertainty in my ability. Next time, I don't want to be surprised by a reaction like that.
Vermillion
Banned
Congratulations, mate! I'm proud of you, and I'm certain that your post will serve as inspiration.
These two posts are going into the OP for being awesome :'D*sweet success story
Good luck to you HBP! It would've been nice to stay in contact, your help in here, both to me personally, and to others, have been invaluable and incredibly helpful! So I'm very sad to see you leave us for sure. Have a great time and come back with tons of cool success stories!
Vibed: That was a great read! I'm happy for you and it's cool to see how happy you seem as well. Quite inspiring truth be told!
I think I said this before, but just wanted to echo the positive statements about therapy/counseling. I went to maybe 4 sessions to handle my dating woes (though I went to a few more to handle other issues...usually family sessions). Each session was ~60 minutes, and every session I've gone to costs ~$70 (the therapist I went to for handling the "other" stuff also charged this). $80 for family/group sessions. I think technically my dating therapist charges $100 a session, but he knocked it down to $70ish, which is close to the insurance rate (but we didn't actually use my insurance). They seem fairly flexible on this. I think I've seen some free sessions offered in some place (or at least much more affordable sessions), though I'm sure that varies quite a bit.
I found my therapist on Yelp I believe. I was originally looking for couples counseling, and he was one of the higher rated ones on Yelp (also, things looked good on his website, easy location/hours, etc.). Ended up emailing him and we were able to set things up. Very flexible with scheduling in general.
I originally was scheduling something so I could help out my relationship with my ex, but she broke up with me as I was making the appointment. I ended up deciding to go anyway (sans partner), just to try it out (couldn't hurt, and I might end up enjoying it). Not sure if I "needed" it, but I figured I didn't want to take any chances (at the time, I got the impression my ex had some issues which she never got counseling for, and the last thing I wanted was to be like that). I spent 1-1.5 sessions with him handling my break-up, and just the negativity in my mind from it all. A lot of it was the breakup, but a lot of it was just negativity about dating. "It took me 26 years to find someone, and will probably take another 26 years to find someone else!" I originally just wanted to find ways to cope with my pain, but we would single in on other issues in my head, and we made some improvements there. I felt pretty good for a while, and I had confidence that I would get better, I could probably try being friends with my ex, I would find love again, etc.
I had a relapse of sorts several weeks back (when I started posting here...well...my relapse led to me posting here I should say), so I went for another 2 sessions. I was just feeling really negative again, and I didn't want to be stuck in that cycle. Again, he helped me get out of that a bit. I was focused a lot on the wrong things people would do to me, but he kind of got me to think more about why/how I would allow myself to be hurt in such ways. I could be angry that my ex tried to break up with me in an email ("#1 worst way to break up with someone!"), but I could also realize that a lot of people do that, even as bad as it is. My ex let me down big time, but maybe I should have seen some signs she would do so, and maybe I should have held off on being so invested. Etc. Got me to stop focusing on being mad at her so much (I still am to some degree, but being mad won't really help much). Also opened up my eyes some more on dating, socializing, etc. Think I mentioned that back then.
After the final session, I feel like much of my negativity went away. I still go through cycles of being negative/sad about being without my ex (and that is a biggie), but I'm not sure that will change easily or quickly (my first love and all that). But much of my other negativity is gone, and I'm really positive about it all now. Seems easier to handle. Not easy, but easier.
I really enjoyed it all, and I definitely recommend people give it a shot, especially if they're feeling pretty negative for extended periods of time. Even if you KNOW why you're negative, and you KNOW what you need to do about it (I did), certain things just seem to happen in these sessions that just make you feel better and adapt your lifestyle in a more positive way (or at least I did).
I found my therapist on Yelp I believe. I was originally looking for couples counseling, and he was one of the higher rated ones on Yelp (also, things looked good on his website, easy location/hours, etc.). Ended up emailing him and we were able to set things up. Very flexible with scheduling in general.
I originally was scheduling something so I could help out my relationship with my ex, but she broke up with me as I was making the appointment. I ended up deciding to go anyway (sans partner), just to try it out (couldn't hurt, and I might end up enjoying it). Not sure if I "needed" it, but I figured I didn't want to take any chances (at the time, I got the impression my ex had some issues which she never got counseling for, and the last thing I wanted was to be like that). I spent 1-1.5 sessions with him handling my break-up, and just the negativity in my mind from it all. A lot of it was the breakup, but a lot of it was just negativity about dating. "It took me 26 years to find someone, and will probably take another 26 years to find someone else!" I originally just wanted to find ways to cope with my pain, but we would single in on other issues in my head, and we made some improvements there. I felt pretty good for a while, and I had confidence that I would get better, I could probably try being friends with my ex, I would find love again, etc.
I had a relapse of sorts several weeks back (when I started posting here...well...my relapse led to me posting here I should say), so I went for another 2 sessions. I was just feeling really negative again, and I didn't want to be stuck in that cycle. Again, he helped me get out of that a bit. I was focused a lot on the wrong things people would do to me, but he kind of got me to think more about why/how I would allow myself to be hurt in such ways. I could be angry that my ex tried to break up with me in an email ("#1 worst way to break up with someone!"), but I could also realize that a lot of people do that, even as bad as it is. My ex let me down big time, but maybe I should have seen some signs she would do so, and maybe I should have held off on being so invested. Etc. Got me to stop focusing on being mad at her so much (I still am to some degree, but being mad won't really help much). Also opened up my eyes some more on dating, socializing, etc. Think I mentioned that back then.
After the final session, I feel like much of my negativity went away. I still go through cycles of being negative/sad about being without my ex (and that is a biggie), but I'm not sure that will change easily or quickly (my first love and all that). But much of my other negativity is gone, and I'm really positive about it all now. Seems easier to handle. Not easy, but easier.
I really enjoyed it all, and I definitely recommend people give it a shot, especially if they're feeling pretty negative for extended periods of time. Even if you KNOW why you're negative, and you KNOW what you need to do about it (I did), certain things just seem to happen in these sessions that just make you feel better and adapt your lifestyle in a more positive way (or at least I did).
All of your help and expertise will be missed. Thanks for all the input in the thread, and good luck outside of it. I salute you
Went to a second Meetup yesterday, and again had a lot of fun. It was mostly a few hours of roundtable discussion, so we never really spoke personally to each other, but there was a heck of a cute girl there that seemed to check every box. Fencing enthusiast, knew how to mod ROMs, a total Slayers fangirl (I'd mentioned it was a show I'd always tried to get into), and was a ray of positivity. I swear she dressed like she came out of a VN (in the most adorable way possible), and my suspicions were confirmed when I learned she knew more about them than I did. To top it off, her name just happened to be one of my favorites (Sara). Without me mentioning it, she said she always liked it that Garnet in FFIX also shares that name (which is obscure knowledge).
Unfortunately, I was barely even able to introduce myself before we left; I don't even remember if I got to tell her my name. We seemed to get along well, though we probably only had 15 minutes total of face-to-face talk. Funny enough, she does live fairly close to me (whereas everyone else was WAY farther, since nobody young lives in my neighborhood). Absolutely everything seems to align, but knowing my luck I'll never see her again. Only way to contact her would be email via the Meetup site, but that seems creepish, especially when the only comment on her profile is from an obvious "Nice Guy with Fedora" who's hitting on her. She mentioned she never goes to Meetups much, and I can see why.
Nonetheless, meeting her was a nice reminder that there are amazing people in the least likely of places. It's been 5 years since I've met a girl I was even remotely interested in, so I wasn't expecting this super-miracle to just plop itself in front of me. I feel like I'm "modernizing" at Meiji speeds. I'm on track to beating my best timed mile from my prime in high school, still learning Japanese, and met the kind of girl I thought was impossible. All of this from nothing, besides me wanting to make a change.
Don't think I should email her, but on the off-chance I ever see her again (soonest meeting isn't for another month) I'll be sure to try and get to know her better. Apologies if this reads at all sappy; I'm so far behind I just got to the "meet cute girl" phase. Still, progress!
Unfortunately, I was barely even able to introduce myself before we left; I don't even remember if I got to tell her my name. We seemed to get along well, though we probably only had 15 minutes total of face-to-face talk. Funny enough, she does live fairly close to me (whereas everyone else was WAY farther, since nobody young lives in my neighborhood). Absolutely everything seems to align, but knowing my luck I'll never see her again. Only way to contact her would be email via the Meetup site, but that seems creepish, especially when the only comment on her profile is from an obvious "Nice Guy with Fedora" who's hitting on her. She mentioned she never goes to Meetups much, and I can see why.
Nonetheless, meeting her was a nice reminder that there are amazing people in the least likely of places. It's been 5 years since I've met a girl I was even remotely interested in, so I wasn't expecting this super-miracle to just plop itself in front of me. I feel like I'm "modernizing" at Meiji speeds. I'm on track to beating my best timed mile from my prime in high school, still learning Japanese, and met the kind of girl I thought was impossible. All of this from nothing, besides me wanting to make a change.
Don't think I should email her, but on the off-chance I ever see her again (soonest meeting isn't for another month) I'll be sure to try and get to know her better. Apologies if this reads at all sappy; I'm so far behind I just got to the "meet cute girl" phase. Still, progress!
trab pu kcip
Member
awww why don't you want to contact her you fool D:
I mean there's nothing to lose in at least trying?
Wow, almost had weird Twilight Zone moment (especially after Kainazzo's post)!
There was one girl I hadn't messaged to in a while (we talked off and on for a few weeks). I messaged her this weekend, telling her about Meetup.com. She's new to the area, and I figured she might enjoy it.
Turns out that she already checked it out, and she alerted me about an event/group I missed! We talk about it some, and we both decide we would like to attend them together, so we can have a "buddy" to go with to make things easier (neither one of us have been to one yet). She doesn't want a relationship right now BTW, which I'm OK with (I prefer that myself). But looks like I'll be hanging out with her and some other cool people soon! As Kainazzo said, I think Meetups seem like a good thing, especially combined with OKC and other resources. Wish I had checked it out long ago!
So more weird stuff...
I look for the group/event the girl was telling me about. I think I find it, but I start looking at the members to see if she's signed up for it just to make sure (I know her name, what she looks like, etc.). I find her...and I find someone else that I recently messaged by sheer coincidence (though she's not been online much recently...so hasn't responded yet...or that's what I tell myself). She sounded pretty cool in her profile, and I thought it would be great if I could hang out with her too (luckily my "buddy" would be there, or it might seem a little strange).
And it got really weird for a second, because she almost sounded like the girl Kainazzo was describing. Though don't think they're the same person (profiles don't seem to match up). Though even if it is, no biggie. Maybe we can all hang out together! (we're probably all 90% + matches).
I guess if anyone cares, here's my Meetup profile (and the groups I'm with):
http://www.meetup.com/members/106409262/
I'll probably be joining other groups over the next week or so. If you guys know of any good groups that fit my interests, I'd love to hear them too.
There was one girl I hadn't messaged to in a while (we talked off and on for a few weeks). I messaged her this weekend, telling her about Meetup.com. She's new to the area, and I figured she might enjoy it.
Turns out that she already checked it out, and she alerted me about an event/group I missed! We talk about it some, and we both decide we would like to attend them together, so we can have a "buddy" to go with to make things easier (neither one of us have been to one yet). She doesn't want a relationship right now BTW, which I'm OK with (I prefer that myself). But looks like I'll be hanging out with her and some other cool people soon! As Kainazzo said, I think Meetups seem like a good thing, especially combined with OKC and other resources. Wish I had checked it out long ago!
So more weird stuff...
I look for the group/event the girl was telling me about. I think I find it, but I start looking at the members to see if she's signed up for it just to make sure (I know her name, what she looks like, etc.). I find her...and I find someone else that I recently messaged by sheer coincidence (though she's not been online much recently...so hasn't responded yet...or that's what I tell myself
). She sounded pretty cool in her profile, and I thought it would be great if I could hang out with her too (luckily my "buddy" would be there, or it might seem a little strange).And it got really weird for a second, because she almost sounded like the girl Kainazzo was describing. Though don't think they're the same person (profiles don't seem to match up). Though even if it is, no biggie. Maybe we can all hang out together!
(we're probably all 90% + matches).I guess if anyone cares, here's my Meetup profile (and the groups I'm with):
http://www.meetup.com/members/106409262/
I'll probably be joining other groups over the next week or so. If you guys know of any good groups that fit my interests, I'd love to hear them too.
I sort of just need to vent and some advice.
Mentioned it to another here, but I was seeing someone over summer for a bit. I'm still new to these things, so it's a bit childish. But I'm still pretty hurt over it.
Basically it came back in the past few days. Someone else I'm messing around with ended up saying exactly what she did. "You're too perfect, how does someone like you exist?". I was talking to my friend about it and the girl I was seeing previously, who also said something along similar lines. And the former mentioned she said the same thing to him about me. Ended up speaking to her that night, because when I get one of my goofy ideas. And the conversation after me being a big flirt and goof, ends with her saying "I'm really happy I met you". I really wasn't expecting to hear all 3 things in the past 24 hours.
I'm interested in other people. There is someone else I fool around. I had 3 other friends approach me recently, all mentioning how they would like to do things too. Or even try dating. The only issue with 2 is distance. I've go out, flirt, get new people interested too. But I really don't seem to have any desire to pursue anything else right now either.
Mentioned it to another here, but I was seeing someone over summer for a bit. I'm still new to these things, so it's a bit childish. But I'm still pretty hurt over it.
Basically it came back in the past few days. Someone else I'm messing around with ended up saying exactly what she did. "You're too perfect, how does someone like you exist?". I was talking to my friend about it and the girl I was seeing previously, who also said something along similar lines. And the former mentioned she said the same thing to him about me. Ended up speaking to her that night, because when I get one of my goofy ideas. And the conversation after me being a big flirt and goof, ends with her saying "I'm really happy I met you". I really wasn't expecting to hear all 3 things in the past 24 hours.
I'm interested in other people. There is someone else I fool around. I had 3 other friends approach me recently, all mentioning how they would like to do things too. Or even try dating. The only issue with 2 is distance. I've go out, flirt, get new people interested too. But I really don't seem to have any desire to pursue anything else right now either.
So don't. I've been like that for the past few years. Don't lead anybody on, be honest about not wanting to settle. Sure you'll hurt some feelings but they'll get over it.
Believe me- I do! I can safely say that I've never been so immediately attracted to someone, so I want to be sure I'm not done in by my own impetuousness. While she never mentioned a boyfriend, I don't even know if she's single (though how could she be 0_o).
Would you feel at all creeped out if some guy you'd just met at a non-dating event emailed you with "Hey! Remember that guy who made that Persona 4: The Amish joke? How ya' doooo-iiin ~_^" Obviously I'm better than to write something like that, but still
My alternative is to wait a month, hope she shows up, and try to get to know her better. The nervousness definitely stems from never having asked anyone out before. Maybe emailing her out of the blue is a perfectly fine thing to do, I don't know. I thought I'd at least practice first with matches from OkC, but I've jumped straight into Awesome Land without a map. I'm not afraid of rejection, and indeed that would render all of this over-thinking moot, but I don't want to hurt my chances by going too quickly.
I'm not worried about that at all. It's just don't feel like I'm over her though.
And I should mention this too. My sex drive, I really don't even get horny much anymore.
trab pu kcip
Member
Believe me- I do! I can safely say that I've never been so immediately attracted to someone, so I want to be sure I'm not done in by my own impetuousness. While she never mentioned a boyfriend, I don't even know if she's single (though how could she be 0_o).
Would you feel at all creeped out if some guy you'd just met at a non-dating event emailed you with "Hey! Remember that guy who made that Persona 4: The Amish joke? How ya' doooo-iiin ~_^" Obviously I'm better than to write something like that, but still
My alternative is to wait a month, hope she shows up, and try to get to know her better. The nervousness definitely stems from never having asked anyone out before. Maybe emailing her out of the blue is a perfectly fine thing to do, I don't know. I thought I'd at least practice first with matches from OkC, but I've jumped straight into Awesome Land without a map. I'm not afraid of rejection, and indeed that would render all of this over-thinking moot, but I don't want to hurt my chances by going too quickly.
it really sounds like you like her a lot and that's why I'd say: just go for it.
I mean you don't know if you will see her again next month and if you don't, sending a mail then would be much weirder imo.
but it's important that you keep it simple: just say that you noticed her at that meet-up and you hope that this doesn't sound strange, but she really left a lasting impression on you by talking about xy and you would like to get to know her better.
maybe introduce yourself at the beginning with "I was the guy in the black shirt" or something, so she knows who you are.
I mean I can't promise it will work but all I can say is that I wouldn't be creeped out by something like this. just don't overdo it & keep it honest & genuine and you'll be fine.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Alright, so you're fooling around with two gals, one of which seems quite interested in you, and there are three friends who are also interested in you (but they aren't really available due to distance, or at least two of them).
Your problem is that you're not interested in pursuing anything?
Is that with the gal really interested you, or the friends?
I'm not sure why you're feeling hurt, is the first gal unaware of you fooling around with another one?
If that's the case, then it might help if you come clean.
If you're just generally feeling down because you're not pursuing things, then perhaps they're due to a conflict between your interest to flirt around and some desire to pursue something more serious - so you just gotta decide which one you'd rather do at this point in time (I'm assuming you are young, so I'd say do the former).
Second date went swimingly, but I feel like I really need to escalate things physically. Neither of us is awfully touchy, and I find that I really want to break down that barrier...I just don't know how to do it. Alcohol certainly would help -_-.
It was more of a slow peck...nothing overly passionate. I didn't open the second date with a kiss...a hug just felt a lot more natural. I still did close the second date with a kiss and a hug, but I'm not overly happy that I didn't really escalate things beyond that. It's not like I'm in a rush or anything as I quite like this girl, but I feel that if I don't escalate things enough this might just devolve into a friendship. I have the feeling I'm going to have to make the first move.
Anyways, she's going to be setting up the next date, so I'm very curious to see what she'll want to do.
It was more of a slow peck...nothing overly passionate. I didn't open the second date with a kiss...a hug just felt a lot more natural. I still did close the second date with a kiss and a hug, but I'm not overly happy that I didn't really escalate things beyond that. It's not like I'm in a rush or anything as I quite like this girl, but I feel that if I don't escalate things enough this might just devolve into a friendship. I have the feeling I'm going to have to make the first move.
Anyways, she's going to be setting up the next date, so I'm very curious to see what she'll want to do.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Nike.
Those moments right before you escalate things for the first time are quite exciting, you don't want to be buzzed while doing it, but sure if it might help.
trab pu kcip
Member
SquiddyCracker
Banned
A good general rule is:
What she did, and more.
You're already doing the little smooches, they can easily be made more passionate.
What she did, and more.
You're already doing the little smooches, they can easily be made more passionate.
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