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[Tsukumo]

Yo GAF!

Quick question. Is it bad to call or text someone about a first date or should it be in person when you go for it? I've asked some friends and it seems like there's conflicting opinions on this so I thought I'd put it before you guys. It's really tricky to get a one on one moment with this girl I'm interested in because we're always together with friends at a busy bar or something. It's fairly frustrating because I feel like calling or texting is kind of a cop-out.

Which girl is this? the bi-girl or free-dinner girl? Also, you seem to get frequent attention from girls in your circle of friends: someone is paying you lip-service and giving praise. bi-girl maybe?

So I went to Starbucks today. The girl I was interested in was there, but on break. Not sure I would have given her my number anyway as I did earlier to girl at a shoe store. Is it desperate to give your number to a girl you've only talked to a little? That's what my friend told me. Killed my confidence a tad.

DON'T LISTEN TO HIS NOISE! This "friend" of yours is a back-stabber who is threatened by you having the guts to approach girls and giving away your number. Does this guy have a girlfriend? it's funny how many times the guys who are quick to talk shit about people who have any issue in an approach/relationship are those very guys who DON'T have a girlfriend and aren't even trying to get one. Like when someone pops up and thinks it's his right to stuck his nose up his friend's business and his relationship with his girlfriend because she is not good for him . Or when someone talks about some insignificant thing a girlfriend said/did to him (just for the sake of ranting and take it off his chest) and there's the inevitable "dude, you have to leave her, you are awesomo you deserve better".

[cut]

I get an email from her and its actually not her, it looked like her FB account was hacked. I contact her to tell her and well we've been talking on FB for the last three days or so. Nothing much, but lot's of questions being asked in both directions. She's initiated contact a couple of times too. I don't think a woman would do that if she really wasn't interested. I really like her but I'm afraid if I asked her out it would look bad as she is in a relationship and I'm pretty sure I know she knows this. But I feel kind of helpless if I just sit back and wait for things to unfold too. So do I take a plan of action or let things progress naturally?

Someone is playing games on you. I'm not going to voice my real fear here but yeah, the hacked account thing sounds as fictional as a soap twist.

Let me just try something...



Now it's just a story about a cool guy who got laid twice one night.

Also: this was clever. Got me thinking.

 

[Minamu]

Dat Transhuman post. Should be stickied to every dating-age thread

 

[Charlie McCarthy]

I have a question for fb (fuck buddy) GAF - so I'm reading up on all these posts regarding it from rsd nation and what not. The one common theme to all of it is to avoid cuddling because it will create some emotional bond...

The problem is, I like to have sex that involves cuddling - it doesn't feel right without it. And it seems I have to set that pace from the very beginning... In that case, am I pretty much screwed when it comes to forming any type of fb relationship? I hear way too much about creating unintentional attachment...

THanks!

You can still do the cuddling thing without getting too attached but the other guys are right it can definitely lead to "feeling like relationship" rather than "just fucking for fun". I do it mainly because it feels weird to me to not cuddle (or at least some contact) after. Wouldn't it always be weird if you just rolled over or got straight out of bed after doing the deed? That's what I've always felt anyway, so still do the cuddles but just don't be heaps intimate about it (if you can of course, a lot would find that difficult)

 

[Loona]

So how do you meet people?

It's a rought outline, but try to think of things you like for which there may be occasional gatherings/events, preferably where everyone gets to actually do something, not just watch/listen - that can create some pretexts to talk about what's going on, how to go about doing something specific, and occasionally the conversation may move outside the occasion's specific setting.

It's by no means a silver bullet (and can be tricky depending on how big the area is and the variety of activities there), but by getting to do something you enjoy (might be something you haven't done in a while or thought much about lately, so keeping you eyes peeled for local events or classes might remind you of an old interest), it can make it more likely you'll get in touuch with people with similar interests, a "social bridge" of sorts.

 

[Minamu]

Silver bullet got me thinking. There's a sort of kind of pick up book called Magic Bullet that I remember being pretty good at explaining how to meet people and keep conversations going. I think the book's tone was pretty good too so it doesn't sound too rough.

 

[stn]

So how do you meet people?

1. Make sure you have a positive attitude.
2. Meet people because you want to, not to obtain something.
3. Join clubs and go out. A lot.

You will find that many people out there are willing to socialize and make friends. The onus is on you, however, to constantly go out. The main thing is to never view an outing as a failure if you don't meet someone new or whatever. Remember: you're going out because you like going out.

I would advise you to join some clubs or volunteer groups so you can meet people. Its much easier because you'll be forced to meet these people and they'll be more receptive since you share an interest. Its better than going to clubs and trying to latch on with random strangers, for example.

What you need to do is ask yourself what your interests are. Do you like chess? Join a chess club! After a game ask some people to go for coffee. That's how it starts, as an example.

Are you still in school? Everyone I've met I did so through school. Its always the easiest way. If you're out of school then you'll need to start joining clubs and those types of activities.

Good luck.

 

[RC Cola]

Meetup is great for meeting new people I think, though I had a bit of a disaster last night.

I was going to some singles event. I kind of did it on a whim, but thought I'd try it out just to see what it was like.

Weren't that many people (30 tops, probably over half guys). Of the girls, I think most of them would rather hang out with my mom than me (or the other joke, "Wait, I must have attended the 'Cougars and Cubs' meeting by mistake!"). I felt really out of place, and I wasn't particularly interested in socializing with anyone there. Thought the organizers would do more, but 60+ minutes in, it was basically a glorified bar setting IMO (just mingle with people and have free/cheap booze and chips). Maybe fine for some, but not what I was looking for. Admittedly, I wasn't putting much effort into it, but that's partly why I wanted to try some of these events where you are kind of forced to interact more. I left after an hour or so, realizing it would be a wasted night if I stayed any longer.

I also apparently under-dressed for the event. Wore my Daft Punk shirt (one of the ones linked here IIRC) and jeans. Saw some complaints from women in one of the groups for the event about that (not calling me out specifically though, and I think a few other guys were dressed like that). Seems way too serious/formal for what I want. :\ Wish the organizers were more explicit about that (they claim they try to adhere to good dress codes and blamed it on the attendees, even though they say nothing about that in the event description).

I'm going to try out a few more of these type of events, but definitely not a good experience last night. I'll probably try to focus less on the singles stuff and more on groups that share my interests. I have a lot more fun with the latter. The former seems too serious/formal, and I don't particularly care for the format (especially if there aren't specified age groups for the event). Didn't help that I was feeling a bit negative yesterday even before the event (just the usual post-break up/trying to date again stuff I think).

 

[Kainazzo]

Meetup is great for meeting new people I think, though I had a bit of a disaster last night.

Yeah, so far I've avoided Meetups that were specifically centered on dating. I think I'm a little young to get the most out of those. Not to say good things can't come from them, but I'm more the type to let connections grow naturally through a common interest. Apparently I don't do best when the interest is purely "hook up!" I know what you mean about joining too many (full weekends!), so maybe this'll help balance things out?

VN girl hasn't replied to a second message, so I'll just see what happens should I see her again. Funny enough, the same day I sent the second message was the day I finally saw someone interesting on OKC. Sent her a message too, but she hasn't logged in all week >_>. Just had to expand my range a bit; hope the traffic from Austin to San Marcos isn't too bad.

Crazy how I never met anyone interesting at school or work, then the week I decide to go out more I suddenly meet two. That, and I've discovered that I can still ace social situations and easily make new friends, I just have to want to. Was sorta' worried, so that's been a nice confidence boost. To anyone curious on how to meet new people: just do stuff! I focused so much on working through college that I didn't do a thing outside of it, and now I realize how much time I wasted. At least, I could have managed it better.

 

[Pau]

So yeah, to anyone curious on how to meet new people: just do stuff!

Seriously, this.

I was going to say you're not going to meet anyone staying at home on your computer all day, but that's a total lie. I know a lot of folks don't treat forums like this as a way of meeting people irl, but they can definitely be a good tool for that.

So do lot's of things with a good attitude and take advantage of situations as they crop up!

 

[KlotePino]

Can't believe I turned up with this problem since I've always considered people who want to ask out people in the service industry a bit foolish but here I am... Really cute girl in the subway (sandwich play not the actual subway), have absolutely no reason to think she might be into me but I figured I should just give it a try #YOLO and all. I'm not gonna ask if I'm holding people up and partially to avoid a potentially embarassing situation. I'm guessing she's about 1-3 years older than me (I'm 21) so any advice about that? Before you all start encouraging me I know absolutely no girl who dates a younger guy or the other way around. Not that this should necessarily be a reason not to try but I was just wondering what you guys thought about that and if you have any tips. Should I give her my number or should I ask for hers? I'd like to come across as confident but not douchey.

 

[electricshake]

Can't believe I turned up with this problem since I've always considered people who want to ask out people in the service industry a bit foolish but here I am... Really cute girl in the subway (sandwich play not the actual subway), have absolutely no reason to think she might be into me but I figured I should just give it a try #YOLO and all. I'm not gonna ask if I'm holding people up and partially to avoid a potentially embarassing situation. I'm guessing she's about 1-3 years older than me (I'm 21) so any advice about that? Before you all start encouraging me I know absolutely no girl who dates a younger guy or the other way around. Not that this should necessarily be a reason not to try but I was just wondering what you guys thought about that and if you have any tips. Should I give her my number or should I ask for hers? I'd like to come across as confident but not douchey.

Almost every guy I've dated was younger than me. Age is just a number.

 

[Jhoan]

I can also vouch for getting the frick off GAF as the best way to meet people.

Yesterday was a long day for me but it ended with panache. I went out to the aforementioned NY Comic Con cosplay event at a bar with a bunch of Comic Con veteran friends and it was awesome. Everyone that I was with won something; I won two drawing contests and got comics signed; friends won a 3 Day pass, posters, and an assortment of NY Comic Con branded goodies. It was so much fun.

I think a coworker's sister had a thing for me since she would her body into me whenever I said something funny. It helped that I charmed them off (they're sisters) when I spoke to them in Spanish which surprised them. We got to talking about the mother country and what part our families are from, etc.

However, me being Captain Oblivious as I was there to have a good time, it flew over my head. Regardless, it was nice being social. I think people like the fact that I act hyped when I talk to people. We took lots of pictures and stuff. Good times.

So I would say look up an event that's coming up in your area that sounds right up your alley, go check it out and go in with low expectations other than the intention of having a good time.

 

[Bisnic]

Almost every guy I've dated was younger than me. Age is just a number.

Yeah lol, and 1-3 years is nothing. My new girlfriend is a little over 1 year older than me and she doesn't care about that. And neither do I.

Speaking of girlfriend, is a new love always that... intense? We see each other at least 3 days a week(where she stays at my apartment during that time) and we spend most of our time just cuddling and kissing. Maybe we're both just the cuddly type lol. I love that though, and maybe a bit too much. I'm at work now and i can only think of going back home where she is waiting, and I bet she thinks the same.

 

[KlotePino]

Almost every guy I've dated was younger than me. Age is just a number.

Ok thanks I know it shouldn't mean more coming from a girl but I'm gonna put the age difference out of my mind then. Now onto devising some non-creepy line in my first language. I swear to god english is so much easier, I wish I could just say: Hey I think you're cute, how about we grab a drink sometime? There needs to be word for cute in my language... If I hadn't already talked to her I'd just fake being english and laugh it off afterwards.

EDIT: The age guess was a pretty wild guess to be honest, I'm awful at judging girls' ages so maybe that's why I was a little more hesitant in case she's like 25-26.

 

[RC Cola]

Yeah, so far I've avoided Meetups that were specifically centered on dating. I think I'm a little young to get the most out of those. Not to say good things can't come from them, but I'm more the type to let connections grow naturally through a common interest. Apparently I don't do best when the interest is purely "hook up!" I know what you mean about joining too many (full weekends!), so maybe this'll help balance things out?

Yeah, I feel the same way, but figured I'd give it a shot. I have a couple more events, and they're aimed at specific age groups and are more organized I think (plus more casual...one is actually a "friending" event). They might work a little better, but I think I'll focus less on these events.

I forgot to mention that as I was leaving the event last night and heading to my car, this older man stopped me and said, "Sir...I think you dropped something over there. It was your smile." I don't think I was really that negative at the time, but thought that was a pretty cool moment. Insert corny statement about how happiness is on the inside or whatever.

Crazy how I never met anyone interesting at school or work, then the week I decide to go out more I suddenly meet two. That, and I've discovered that I can still ace social situations and easily make new friends, I just have to want to. Was sorta' worried, so that's been a nice confidence boost. To anyone curious on how to meet new people: just do stuff! I focused so much on working through college that I didn't do a thing outside of it, and now I realize how much time I wasted. At least, I could have managed it better.

Awesome.

I've kind of had similar results (between previous OKC interactions and my last successful Meetup). I'm still talking to one girl from OKC, and we've gone to a Meetup together. I'm not sure I'm really interested in her as a potential date later on down the line, but it has been fun chatting to her about various things (including our shared interests). I've met a few cool people with the Meetups stuff, including one guy who had an interesting story about Art Bell (and actually a bunch of other stuff too).

Hmm...maybe a question for some of you guys that is related to this. I was messaging one girl on OKC for a while. She lives in Europe and seemed to be on OKC primarily for friends (she was single, but wasn't necessarily looking I guess). We chatted a few times, and it seems we got along. I eventually got her email, and I messaged her once or twice through that. It has probably been about a week or so since we last talked though. She never sent me anything that wasn't a response, so I thought I'd chill out a bit and see if she actually enjoyed chatting with me (i.e., get her to contact me if she wanted to talk). Of course she hasn't, though she also states numerous times that she is socially awkward (even online), and she is bad about not responding to people (or initiating a conversation, even if she wants to).

It looks like she recently disabled/deleted her OKC account. I was thinking about striking up another conversation with her, just to see what's up. I'm trying to be careful about her because I probably do like her...well, as much as you can like someone you talk to online. We're a 99% match, and she is pretty cute, funny, etc. But I don't really want to be anything more than a "pen-pal" at the moment (for obvious reasons).

 

[beat]

My social life isn't that great, but I think I meet a fair number of girls, and until this summer I haven't been as completely head-over-heels for a girl as I am about this one in many years. (It's not only about looks; she's into a bunch of the stuff I like, we have interesting conversations, she's super smart and talented.)

Anyways, I asked her out almost a month ago but she said she was still getting over her breakup from a long relationship of a few weeks before then, so she wasn't looking for anything more than friends at this point. (A mutual friend actually confirmed this to me later because I guess I was acting sad and because I figured "not looking for anything more" meant "with you specifically".)

And honestly, I think being friends with her would still be better than not, but on the other hand, I'd definitely rather date her.

So. I'm pretty sure I know the answer, but: should I ask her out again at some point?

 

[DutchNeon]

Can't believe I turned up with this problem since I've always considered people who want to ask out people in the service industry a bit foolish but here I am... Really cute girl in the subway (sandwich play not the actual subway), have absolutely no reason to think she might be into me but I figured I should just give it a try #YOLO and all. I'm not gonna ask if I'm holding people up and partially to avoid a potentially embarassing situation. I'm guessing she's about 1-3 years older than me (I'm 21) so any advice about that? Before you all start encouraging me I know absolutely no girl who dates a younger guy or the other way around. Not that this should necessarily be a reason not to try but I was just wondering what you guys thought about that and if you have any tips. Should I give her my number or should I ask for hers? I'd like to come across as confident but not douchey.

Isn't that "schattig" or something along that line (guessing from your name you are Dutch). Could also be "je ziet er leuk uit" haha.

As far as my scenario, the drawing thingy got rescheduled to somewhere September. We were supposed to go together this monday but for some reason I didn't contacted her about it to meetup where and such (she would pick me up with her car). Wondered if she would take the initiative but she didn't and went without me. Admittingly this isn't a date so she goes there every twee weeks and recently asked if I would come along. Don't know why I didn't go but some kind of rejection fear. In my mind it's a date but it really isn't...

Felt kinda sad that I did that and eventually apologized - No idea if she is interested in me but at least I wouldn't ruin it if she was. I know for a fact that she is looking for a relationship as she is (by pure luck) one of my best matches on OKC. She didn't mind it and I could contact her anytime if I wanted to come along with her. At least from September on an artist will be there to help people (atm there isn't one due summer holiday) and she stated the person would probably help me if I was scared of my drawing skills.

 

[Tansut]

Which girl is this? the bi-girl or free-dinner girl? Also, you seem to get frequent attention from girls in your circle of friends: someone is paying you lip-service and giving praise. bi-girl maybe?

Totally new girl. Met her a few months ago but we didn't really start actively hanging out together until fairly recently, like the last two or three weeks. In fact, last week was the first time we'd actually hung out outside of our usual weekly meetup at the bars...but again it was in a group...out at the bars.

Anyway, I've decided to just hold off until the next time I see her in person, which at the latest should be in about a week. Even if it's the same busy night as it was last time, I'm just gonna say screw it and take her aside and talk to her for a minute about going out. There's no reason to rush it and if she's actually interested then waiting about another week won't change anything anyway.

 

[forknknife]

Damnit, met this super nice girl at a dutch language course I just finished and after three weeks of spending almost every day together we had to say goodbye. Nothing happened because she has a bf but I could tell we both liked each other a lot. Meh, this sucks.

 

[A Human Becoming]

It doesn't matter. I do it every time, why would it be desperate? Asking and/or begging for hers is though And I'll get to your pm soon, I'm away from my pc for a few days.

DON'T LISTEN TO HIS NOISE! This "friend" of yours is a back-stabber who is threatened by you having the guts to approach girls and giving away your number. Does this guy have a girlfriend? it's funny how many times the guys who are quick to talk shit about people who have any issue in an approach/relationship are those very guys who DON'T have a girlfriend and aren't even trying to get one. Like when someone pops up and thinks it's his right to stuck his nose up his friend's business and his relationship with his girlfriend because she is not good for him . Or when someone talks about some insignificant thing a girlfriend said/did to him (just for the sake of ranting and take it off his chest) and there's the inevitable "dude, you have to leave her, you are awesomo you deserve better".

Thanks for be reassuring guys. And Tsukumo, what you said in bold is true.

I might be guilty of that last one. I don't think I've ever said that over something insignificant. Once when a woman I worked with told me her husband drove drunk with her kid in the car I said to dump him. He put the child in unnecessary danger, even if she was following them!

 

[grap3fruitman]

think of things you like

It's a rough outline, but try to think of things you like for which there may be occasional gatherings/events, preferably where everyone gets to actually do something, not just watch/listen - that can create some pretexts to talk about what's going on, how to go about doing something specific, and occasionally the conversation may move outside the occasion's specific setting.

Okay but how do you do this?

1. Make sure you have a positive attitude.

1. Fuck.

2. Meet people because you want to, not to obtain something.

2. What? I don't understand what this means.

3. Join clubs and go out. A lot.

3a. What the hell is a club?
3b. Go where? And do what?

Are you still in school? Everyone I've met I did so through school. Its always the easiest way. If you're out of school then you'll need to start joining clubs and those types of activities.

I haven't been in school for like six or seven years. Even then, I didn't make a single friend. How is it supposedly "easy?"

 

[stn]

@grap3fruitman

Dude, I don't know you but I can honestly say you're impossible to deal with. Everything with you feels like one big roller coaster that just keeps spinning over and over. I tell you to think of things you like, you say you don't like anything. Well fuck, dude. If, for example, I tell you to go to a club, you'll just say something like "Well, I don't like clubs". If I tell you to go out, you'll ask me "how?" and expect some miraculous answer to cure all your woes.

You definitely need help but I don't think this is the place for you. Text-based assistance will not help you, you need some sort of therapy. I honestly don't know what else to say, I think we'll just be going in circles forever. Sorry, I can't do anything for you. If you ever feel like changing your approach and being less stubborn/impossible, feel free to PM me.

All I'm going to say is this: if your situation is so bad, it will only get worse if you continue like this. Do you want it to get worse? One day you'll be 50+ and you're going to regret all those wasted opportunities you had to change. I promise you that.

 

[grap3fruitman]

How am I supposed to like a club if I don't know what the fuck it is?

"Go out and do stuff!" you say. Okay, what stuff? What the hell am I supposed to do? And where am I supposed to go?

You're sick of my attitude? I'm sick of this thread's fucking non-advice whenever I look for real advice.

If I asked GAF "How do I change a tire?" I would get "You just change it" for an answer. Gee, thanks! That was very helpful.

 

[stn]

Dude...STOP. STOP. If some of us here tell you to go do stuff, YOU need to decide what stuff that is. We can't tell you what things to like and what things to do. Its YOUR life, not ours. See, we COULD tell you what to do but you don't actually like anything. Oh, what a surprise.

You're sick of our non-helpful advice? That's because you're not willing to try ANYTHING and instead like coming here and causing a fit for everyone else.
Do you realize how nice it is of strangers taking the time to help you? You should be thankful and not rude and ungrateful. I told you already: SEEK THERAPY. Goodbye.

 

[Liu Kang Baking A Pie]

You're sick of my attitude? I'm sick of this thread's fucking non-advice whenever I look for real advice.

I think the real problem here is you never finished elementary school.

 

[stn]

^ Dude, no, the answer isn't to insult him. Don't instigate, let him swim in his own sea of bitterness. He's being ungrateful and stubborn to the only people willing to help him.

 

[Liu Kang Baking A Pie]

He's used that same excuse for years. It's unreal stubbornness like I've never seen before.

grap3fruitman, people don't start socializing by having an RPG quest log and completing the steps as known beforehand. They just go out and do what they feel like. They do what makes them happy. Good things then come from that. I know you're reading this and thinking "ugh, more generic non-advice," but it makes sense to everyone else. You're unfortunately at step 0, and I'm just going to agree with everyone else that you need hardcore therapy to even get started.

 

[Vermillion]

How am I supposed to like a club if I don't know what the fuck it is?

"Go out and do stuff!" you say. Okay, what stuff? What the hell am I supposed to do? And where am I supposed to go?

You're sick of my attitude? I'm sick of this thread's fucking non-advice whenever I look for real advice.

If I asked GAF "How do I change a tire?" I would get "You just change it" for an answer. Gee, thanks! That was very helpful.

Again, go to the nearest city and hit up a nightclub. Then just start talking to people. Or a bar.

 

[grap3fruitman]

Dude...STOP. STOP. If some of us here tell you to go do stuff, YOU need to decide what stuff that is.

If I'm asking for what kind of stuff to do, it's because I don't know what to do. I don't do this. It's all new to me. I don't have a clue. Is that so hard to comprehend?

You're sick of our non-helpful advice? That's because you're not willing to try ANYTHING and instead like coming here and causing a fit for everyone else.

I asked what to do, and you refused to give any suggestions. How am I supposed to do that?

Do you realize how nice it is of strangers taking the time to help you? You should be thankful and not rude and ungrateful.

Could you point out these people that are helping me? I must have missed their posts.

I told you already: SEEK THERAPY. Goodbye.

I did therapy before and I hated it. It was just some fucking asshole asking me really dumb questions. I didn't feel better and it didn't help at all. Why would I waste more money I don't have on something that doesn't help?

He's used that same excuse for years. It's unreal stubbornness like I've never seen before.

I've used the same excuse that I don't know how to socialize? Well, after asking for years how to socialize and being told "It's easy! You just socialize!" Yeah, I sort of still haven't learned and suffer from the same problems. Go figure.

 

[stn]

Despite your awful attitude and rude demeanor, I'll humor you since I'm in a good mood today. I'm going to ask you a few questions. I want the answer to EACH question and NOTHING else. Sound good?

1. What country/city do you live in?
2. What things do you like?
3. How old are you?
4. What do you want out of life?

 

[Leeness]

Just go out to Starbucks with a book, grab a coffee and read for an hour. You don't need to socialize or talk to anyone, just go be near people.
Go see a funny movie on your own and laugh, and maybe other people will be laughing too.

Just go out to be around people, even if you don't talk to them. And maybe one day, you'll feel comfortable nodding to someone on a bus, or smiling at someone in Starbucks, or asking if a seat is taken next to someone in a theatre and maybe you can start to join in.

 

[Madrin]

Okay but how do you do this?

- Go to MeetUp.com and see if there are any local meetups that strike your interest.
- Go to VolunteerMatch.org and see if any local volunteer opportunities strike your interest.
- Make an OKCupid account and say on your profile that you are just looking for friends (yes, people do this).
- Brainstorm things that you like. What do you do for fun? Play video games? Play guitar? Draw? Identify your areas of interest and then search out any local events or gatherings pertaining to those interests.
- Take a class and learn something that interests you or that you feel would simply be beneficial, like a cooking class, dancing class, improv, etc.
- Strike up a conversation with pretty a girl and ask her out on a date.

 

[grap3fruitman]

- Go to MeetUp.com and see if there are any local meetups that strike your interest.

Which one would you go to? The lesbian hike?

- Go to VolunteerMatch.org and see if any local volunteer opportunities strike your interest.

I have no interest in volunteering. I work enough as it is.

- Make an OKCupid account and say on your profile that you are just looking for friends (yes, people do this).

I was on OKC for three years. Same as in real life: no one wanted to be my friend or anything else.

- Brainstorm things that you like. What do you do for fun? Play video games? Play guitar? Draw? Identify your areas of interest and then search out any local events or gatherings pertaining to those interests.

I literally and honestly do not enjoy anything. On the off-chance that I do find myself having some pleasure, I feel immediately guilty and worse than before.

- Strike up a conversation with pretty a girl and ask her out on a date.

We don't have those here. Any girls, at that. Except for a bunch of grandmas and the occasional minor.

 

[Madrin]

Which one would you go to? The lesbian hike?

I have no interest in volunteering. I work enough as it is.

I was on OKC for three years. Same as in real life: no one wanted to be my friend or anything else.

I literally and honestly do not enjoy anything. On the off-chance that I do find myself having some pleasure, I feel immediately guilty and worse than before.

We don't have those here. Any girls, at that. Except for a bunch of grandmas and the occasional minor.

I'm sure others have said this already, but you seem to have an overly negative attitude about the prospect of socializing. There may be issues you need to deal with beyond a simple lack of social opportunities.

Sometimes you have to do some serious introspection and look inside yourself to find the real source of your issues. I know that sounds like some dumbass Obi-Wan Kenobi advice but it's true. You have to be willing to make an effort and work on yourself. People aren't going to just show up at your door and ask to be your friend.

 

[stn]

I was going to answer all your questions, grapefruitman, but you said you enjoy nothing. Yeah, nothing anyone will say can help you. You need to enjoy things in order to socialize and meet people. If nothing brings you happiness then you won't meet any people. Even if you meet people, how are you going to socialize if you don't even like anything?

You don't like music, so I can't recommend you go clubbing. You don't like philanthropy, so I can't recommend volunteering. I can't recommend sports, gaming events, comic conventions, bar hangouts, movie events, or anything. My advice would be go to a GAF meet-up being held in any major city near you. Search the forums or offer to organize it yourself.

But honestly, all I will ask is that you be polite and courteous with us in the future. Some of us--myself, for example--have been really nice and patient with you.

 

[beat]

Shoot, help me out instead then. I haven't even rejected advice yet!

 

[Transhuman]

So. I'm pretty sure I know the answer, but: should I ask her out again at some point?

Doesn't hurt to ask. I doubt anyone here would say no.

 

[Timedog]

Grap3fruitman, if you truly enjoy nothing and have no interests, then stop posting in this thread. Stop having entertaining any idea that you will ever be social, have friends, be able to get a girlfriend, etc. If you enjoy nothing and have no interests, then there is literally no point in posting in this thread, or posting on the internet at all. If you enjoy nothing, quit GAF. Quit asking for advice. Just quit.

Now, if you still feel the need to even reply to me, or anyone in this thread, or post on GAF ever again, then obviously you are lying to both us and yourself about not liking anything (and this will be proved, unequivocally, by you posting on GAF again after you've read this post).

So, you've posted on GAF again. We've established that you do indeed care about something. The next step is for you to give up on your fucking EGO.

Let it go. LET. IT. GO.

Let go of any idea that you need to "prove other people wrong". Let go of any idea you have in your head that you need to show anyone else who is most likely more successful than you socially, that they are wrong, or that you know more than them. Do not argue in general, when it comes to other people's advice, because you do not know better than them. Listen. Soak it all in. And follow other, more experienced people's advice.

You can post 100,000 times in this thread, or elsewhere on the internet, but if you do not LET GO OF YOUR FUCKING EGO you will never, and I repeat, NEVER get better. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Not in a million fucking years.

So you have a choice: Do you want to continue to latch on to your sense of self that has gotten you absolutely nowhere (in this regard) for your entire life, or do you want to just let go of your sense of self so that you can become a better person than you currently are? You have to answer that question for yourself. No one can answer that for you, you have to answer that for yourself.

And I would suggest reading this post at least twice before responding, if you even respond at all. Any attempts to argue (which means you haven't truly understood my post), will lead immediately to you being added to my ignore list.

LET GO OF YOUR EGO!!!!!

 

[beat]

Doesn't hurt to ask. I doubt anyone here would say no.

Huh! I actually figured the "right" answer was no, don't try again.

Well, I dunno, I'll keep an eye on things in the future, see if she'll ever come out of that funk.

 

[Log4Girlz]

Grap3fruit man. I have to commend you for your growth since first posting in Dating-Age and your incredibly positive attitude and earnest desire to change for the better. I think you've matured emotionally and are barreling down the road to relationshipville.

 

[Minamu]

My social life isn't that great, but I think I meet a fair number of girls, and until this summer I haven't been as completely head-over-heels for a girl as I am about this one in many years. (It's not only about looks; she's into a bunch of the stuff I like, we have interesting conversations, she's super smart and talented.)

Anyways, I asked her out almost a month ago but she said she was still getting over her breakup from a long relationship of a few weeks before then, so she wasn't looking for anything more than friends at this point. (A mutual friend actually confirmed this to me later because I guess I was acting sad and because I figured "not looking for anything more" meant "with you specifically".)

And honestly, I think being friends with her would still be better than not, but on the other hand, I'd definitely rather date her.

So. I'm pretty sure I know the answer, but: should I ask her out again at some point?

I don't see a problem in asking her again. Go for it. On the other hand, she already knows you're interested. Come up with an activity for a date beforehand and see if she's into it. She can reach out to you down the road if she's interested in dating.

As for grap3fruitman: Timedog's post reminded me of a Brent Smith post on facebook from yesterday. It's almost as if he's reading this thread!

The moment you realize that your identity is a belief instead of a fact you can start creating a new one.

 

[forknknife]

Just go out to Starbucks with a book, grab a coffee and read for an hour. You don't need to socialize or talk to anyone, just go be near people.
Go see a funny movie on your own and laugh, and maybe other people will be laughing too.

Just go out to be around people, even if you don't talk to them. And maybe one day, you'll feel comfortable nodding to someone on a bus, or smiling at someone in Starbucks, or asking if a seat is taken next to someone in a theatre and maybe you can start to join in.

Leeness, that's just depressing. Unless you are being sarcastic.

 

[CrazedProfessional]

OkCupid depresses the shit out of me but everyone at University is too busy to even consider relationships so it's just this teeth grinding experience of bars and online dating with people my age until I find someone who isn't as busy as the majority of University students who juggle majors, minors, part time work and other quirky activities.

The longest wait of all time I swear to god.

 

[Minamu]

I'm convinced that anyone can drop things and find time for a loved one if you're a good enough fit. I didn't want a gf either during my years at uni for the same reasons and it's still not the best of ideas if I'm gonna move away in the fairly near future. But then I met someone who made all that irrelevant. You just haven't met the right one, as cliche as it sounds, or you're not the best you for the ones you've met. Simple as.

 

[DutchNeon]

How am I supposed to like a club if I don't know what the fuck it is?

"Go out and do stuff!" you say. Okay, what stuff? What the hell am I supposed to do? And where am I supposed to go?

You're sick of my attitude? I'm sick of this thread's fucking non-advice whenever I look for real advice.

If I asked GAF "How do I change a tire?" I would get "You just change it" for an answer. Gee, thanks! That was very helpful.

As you are on GAF, I'm guessing you like gaming in some way and another. Guessing you'll like movies of the same genre as the games you'll prefer. That would be a start you could use to socialize more. See if there are meetups based on the above. Another great thing is to contact old friends you'll had. I'm almost certain you had at least one (best) friend when you were younger. Give him a call/contact him. Go to the cinema or to a club with him - if you don't know what a club is, ask him and he'll might be your guide to a club.

Even though you'll do some stuff with a best friend, with him being most likely a male, you'll be at places with females there too. As far as you don't like anything, ask him if you can come along if he goes out no matter where to. You'll might do something you'll actually like! Use it as a way to socialize and build up confidence. He might be your portal to what you seek.

I'm not a great adviser as I've never had a relation but this came up on my mind and I did this 2 years ago.

 

[Woody Invincible]

Which one would you go to? The lesbian hike?


I have no interest in volunteering. I work enough as it is.


I was on OKC for three years. Same as in real life: no one wanted to be my friend or anything else.


I literally and honestly do not enjoy anything. On the off-chance that I do find myself having some pleasure, I feel immediately guilty and worse than before.


We don't have those here. Any girls, at that. Except for a bunch of grandmas and the occasional minor.

You know, I'm pretty happy you can't meet any women. That makes for less suicide victims.

 

[drkOne]

I know this isn't what you want to hear, grap3fruitman, but you need to work on yourself before you aim for a relationship with someone else.

Even if you find a girl at this point, your life would be all about her. Unless you find a really special girl who won't "use" that against you, you'll end up feeling even worse.

Dating isn't an exact science, no one here can say how to get a partner.
It's all about who you are and who you want to be with.
I don't go clubbing looking for girls.
I don't want to start a relationship that way, am I wasting opportunities? For sure, but that's who I am. And I deal with it.

I also don't think that it's wise to try to aim for a serious relationship in your condition.

 

[drkOne]

Sorry for the double post.
Follow up on my situation, once again looking for advice.

Hadn't seen her for almost a month, I was in a weird limbo of waiting for her or moving on with my life.
We text everyday, but that's not what I'm looking for, should it ever be in a situation where you're still getting to know a person?
She had her reasons and I accept them though.
I told her I didn't feel as comfortable as I used to feel around her. She accepted it.
I'm pretty sure I've already made it obvious that if she wants this to go some place I need to spend time with her…

She's already made plans in advance for this weekend and the next two.
Yet she never makes plans with me… And I know this seems childish.
Since we first started going out there wasn't a single weekend that she was available.
During the week she is never in the mood to do anything once she gets off work.
She also doesn't like planning in advance because she never knows how her day will be.
I kind of get what she was trying to say, but that's not a fucking excuse to never make plans with someone…

My vacations are over in a couple weeks, I'll be even less available then.
Am I being selfish? For wanting to spend time with her?
I'm not even looking to be with her every day, but am I expecting too much? Twice a week? Spending the afternoon with her once in a while?

 

[A Human Becoming]

Leeness, that's just depressing. Unless you are being sarcastic.

Why is that depressing? Baby steps.

I'm convinced that anyone can drop things and find time for a loved one if you're a good enough fit. I didn't want a gf either during my years at uni for the same reasons and it's still not the best of ideas if I'm gonna move away in the fairly near future. But then I met someone who made all that irrelevant. You just haven't met the right one, as cliche as it sounds, or you're not the best you for the ones you've met. Simple as.

But when are you "the best you"? I'm no where near that point yet. There's always plenty of room to grow!

 

[forknknife]

Why is that depressing? Baby steps.

But when are you "the best you"? I'm no where near that point yet. There's always plenty of room to grow!

Yeah, of course you have to start somewhere but it's just that her idea about going to the cinema by yourself just so you can laugh along with complete strangers seemed very depressing to me. I have nothing against spending time alone or doing things by myself, I do it all the time, by the way.