it's being overthought for sure but the way I see it is, and I can only speak for how _I_ feel dating, if you haven't kissed by date 2, it's not going to happen.
Dating-Age |OT4| Realise You're Living in the Golden Years
- Thread starter Minamu
- Start date
- Status
it's being overthought for sure but the way I see it is, and I can only speak for how _I_ feel dating, if you haven't kissed by date 2, it's not going to happen.
Thinking of it as something to reflect on and better yourself at seems like a decent idea. And I know aiming for absolute perfection in this case is probably pretty far-fetched, but being well-rounded in different life aspects wouldn't hurt. I'm at least glad that I actually AM improving myself even though it doesn't seem like it at times. I think I'm just about out of the low self-esteem woods. I do have a different question though: is your confidence in yourself what keeps you from worrying about every little thing?
Alright so this is probably gonna sound pathetic or like nothing, and it'll also be unnecessarily long, but fuck it. There's this girl in one of my classes who I think is cute. She looks a lot like this girl I used to know in high school so I asked for her name one day. She tells me, I told her she looks like someone I knew and that's why I asked, I told her my name, and then she goes back to her phone. Another day the class was told to get into groups of 3 to do some assignment. It was me, this one guy, and this other girl who I thought was cute. We were all sitting next to each other so we just formed a team. I found out during the assignment that she had a boyfriend which sucked but whatever. They were both cool and we've been sitting together ever since. Anyway, I then begin to notice the first cute girl again.
The next class, the people I always sit with aren't there and I notice everyone is studying. I see the first cute girl and I sit next to her. I ask her if today's the make-up quiz (we had a quiz the week before and the professor lets us take a make-up quiz in case we wanna do better). She answers me by giving me the slowest, most apathetic nod I've ever seen. I thought "Jesus this girl wants me dead or something." I take the quiz and leave.
The class after next I'm sitting with my little group and then apathetic girl sits next to me. She asks me if she could borrow the notes from the previous class. I say "sure" and hand her the notes. That day we had to bring this little iclicker shits so we could answer multiple choice questions by clicking a letter at the screen. She makes this grrr sound and I tell her "You forgot to bring it didn't you?" She says yeah and gives me this half smile. When we start answering questions I ask her to tell me what she thought the answers were to give her something to do. I ask my group too because they're there. We talk some more but I don't remember what I said. Now this next part is just me being stupid and trying to make something out of nothing, but while the professor is lecturing she suddenly raises her hand, gives some input, and becomes more involved. She had never said a word before this so I thought it was weird. She's been quiet again ever since. At the time I thought she was trying to get my attention. Now, I'm sure she just liked the subject or something.
The class after that, there's a quiz. I make it my bitch and go to the gym. Two classes later, I notice everyone is studying. Once again I sit next to her and ask her if it's the make-up. This time she responds like a normal person, saying "yeah" and actually smiling. I tell her that I'm just gonna leave because I already got a perfect score the first time. She tells me that's awesome and that she got a B so she wants to turn that into an A. I say bye and leave to go to the gym. As I'm leaving the gym I notice that she's behind the receptionist desk or whatever. I look over to her, she smiles, and I ask her how she did. She says she thinks she did better and we start talking about past and future quizzes and shit. We say see ya and I leave.
The next class or 2, I arrive late but thankfully there was a seat between a stranger and the girl from my group, so I sit there. Not-as-apathetic-as-I-thought girl also gets there late and sits like 3 seats away from me. I was hoping she'd sit next to me but she really couldn't. The class after that, there's another quiz. I once again arrive later than usual and coincidentally, so did my little group. We all had to sit in different places because it was packed. The other girl came later and couldn't sit next to me like I was hoping for.
Finally, today I sat next to the girl from my group that I talk to (the guy was absent) and there was an empty seat next to me. I thought that she could finally sit next to me and we could talk more. Unfortunately, she walked right past the seat and sat in the middle of the row somewhere. It sucked. Now I'm kinda mad at myself. Should I even be mad? Should I still pursue her? I don't really know what to make of this. I apologize for the wall of text.
The next class, the people I always sit with aren't there and I notice everyone is studying. I see the first cute girl and I sit next to her. I ask her if today's the make-up quiz (we had a quiz the week before and the professor lets us take a make-up quiz in case we wanna do better). She answers me by giving me the slowest, most apathetic nod I've ever seen. I thought "Jesus this girl wants me dead or something." I take the quiz and leave.
The class after next I'm sitting with my little group and then apathetic girl sits next to me. She asks me if she could borrow the notes from the previous class. I say "sure" and hand her the notes. That day we had to bring this little iclicker shits so we could answer multiple choice questions by clicking a letter at the screen. She makes this grrr sound and I tell her "You forgot to bring it didn't you?" She says yeah and gives me this half smile. When we start answering questions I ask her to tell me what she thought the answers were to give her something to do. I ask my group too because they're there. We talk some more but I don't remember what I said. Now this next part is just me being stupid and trying to make something out of nothing, but while the professor is lecturing she suddenly raises her hand, gives some input, and becomes more involved. She had never said a word before this so I thought it was weird. She's been quiet again ever since. At the time I thought she was trying to get my attention. Now, I'm sure she just liked the subject or something.
The class after that, there's a quiz. I make it my bitch and go to the gym. Two classes later, I notice everyone is studying. Once again I sit next to her and ask her if it's the make-up. This time she responds like a normal person, saying "yeah" and actually smiling. I tell her that I'm just gonna leave because I already got a perfect score the first time. She tells me that's awesome and that she got a B so she wants to turn that into an A. I say bye and leave to go to the gym. As I'm leaving the gym I notice that she's behind the receptionist desk or whatever. I look over to her, she smiles, and I ask her how she did. She says she thinks she did better and we start talking about past and future quizzes and shit. We say see ya and I leave.
The next class or 2, I arrive late but thankfully there was a seat between a stranger and the girl from my group, so I sit there. Not-as-apathetic-as-I-thought girl also gets there late and sits like 3 seats away from me. I was hoping she'd sit next to me but she really couldn't. The class after that, there's another quiz. I once again arrive later than usual and coincidentally, so did my little group. We all had to sit in different places because it was packed. The other girl came later and couldn't sit next to me like I was hoping for.
Finally, today I sat next to the girl from my group that I talk to (the guy was absent) and there was an empty seat next to me. I thought that she could finally sit next to me and we could talk more. Unfortunately, she walked right past the seat and sat in the middle of the row somewhere. It sucked. Now I'm kinda mad at myself. Should I even be mad? Should I still pursue her? I don't really know what to make of this. I apologize for the wall of text.
It is normal for people to sit in random places in class in college and to talk with classmates. You are getting mad at yourself over nothing IMO. You should straight up ask to go for coffee or lunch after class to see if she's interested. She doesn't know you are interested in her. You should ask. If she says no just say no problem and go about your day.
MacGurcules
Member
You're not really pursuing her as it is. And you know what the advice here is going to be. Just ask her to get together sometime.
I think you're getting a little over-reliant on seating to read people's emotions. Sitting in random places each class doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't want to speak to you. If you're interested in her you could always invite her to go hang out with you outside of class or something.
Devolution
Member
Stop caring about seating and just talk to her. She's in your class. There are constant "ins" that you can spring off of. Over-analyzing sitting situations instead of just talking to the damn girl. Come on dude. I'm not trying to be rude but realistic here.
beat
Member
I think so. I try to be realistic about what I'm good at -- not too down on myself, not too high on myself. Like, my friend I mentioned, I've seen him be surprisingly anxious about stuff he should have no reason to be anxious about, stuff I'm not anxious about. So ... I dunno, he's got his issues, I've got mine. I can't fix him, but I can at least try to fix me.
I actually do worry about a lot of stuff, but once I realize I can't do anything more about a given thing, I try to let it go.
Also, probably most people have some anxiety. But think about it like this: people are not thinking about you that much. They definitely aren't judging you that much. The amount of time you worry about people judging you -- how much time are you spending judging them? Right? It's the same for all those other people: they're more worried about themselves, usually, than they are about you.
What also might help is to really think through specifically why you're being anxious, then evaluate just how logical/realistic those worries and fears actually are.
And: just ask what's up. Really. http://www.robot-hugs.com/interpretation/
... I probably should look into therapy at some point. Wish it didn't cost so much or that I had insurance to cover it.
I hope this doesn't come off as dickish because that isn't my intention, but Astral, do you honestly think what you are doing is pursing?
You have spoken to her here and there randomly. If you really want to get to know her or whatever, then you need to make it happen and not leave it up to hopes that she will sit next to you and speak more than two words to you.
You have spoken to her here and there randomly. If you really want to get to know her or whatever, then you need to make it happen and not leave it up to hopes that she will sit next to you and speak more than two words to you.
.
Also, this might be me- but the fact that you remembered every single interaction you've had with her to that level of detail just screams overthinking it to me. She definitely isn't thinking about what she's saying to the degree you are.
I didn't really mean pursuing. I've pursued before and this isn't what I did. Hell, I've only recently become really interested in her. I don't know why I said it. I guess I'm just trying to talk to her more but the best time to do it is in class and she always comes late, so there are like no seats left. I know I'm over-analyzing shit. It's a really, really annoying habit of mine. I can't stand it. I was gonna talk to her at the gym today but she wasn't there. I guess I'll just have to try and catch her as everyone's leaving class.
With the last girl I met through online dating we agreed that we would kiss before we'd say a single word to eachother. Ended up making out for a while and then after that I said hi. It was actually rather hot and a fun experience. She ended up liking it so much that she wanted to repeat the same thing again the next week we met again.
I really think kissing, physical contanct and sex are something that will make people feel more comfortable with eachother, the sooner you get it done the better. All those prolonging to "make it special" responses seem really weird to me.
It only gets worse if you don't do it and start prolonging it and looking for that 'perfect' moment.
Think I've also been rejected a couple of times when I've gone for the kiss, but I've just brushed it off and continued as nothing happened. It's only awkward if you make it awkward.
forknknife
Banned
Same here. I never tried the making out before even saying hi thing, though. But I always found great this scene from Annie Hall http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTNXdZPzmEA and many times I have thought of trying it out at a date. Like you said, kissing relieves you from much of the tension in a date and, well, it really should not be such a big deal.
Well I just got dumped.
Don't really want to hear about how I'm too good for her or any of that. I just don't even really understand what happened. She told me she's still in love with me, that I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, she's hates being away from me, but something in her gut just told her it wasn't meant to be and she wants to be alone for a while. She told me that maybe we could be together eventually, but that she was probably going to see other guys in the meantime. I told her that my level of self-respect might not be able to stoop that low.
Dated for over a year and I thought I was going to marry her.
Don't really want to hear about how I'm too good for her or any of that. I just don't even really understand what happened. She told me she's still in love with me, that I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, she's hates being away from me, but something in her gut just told her it wasn't meant to be and she wants to be alone for a while. She told me that maybe we could be together eventually, but that she was probably going to see other guys in the meantime. I told her that my level of self-respect might not be able to stoop that low.
Dated for over a year and I thought I was going to marry her.
forknknife
Banned
This seems like one of those situations where I just can't do anything and I'll have to learn to deal with it. I would have fought for her as hard as I could, but she was convinced she had to do it, so what could I say.
Definitely not interested in rebounding. I'm still in love with her and I don't think that will change soon. Probably when I find out she's dating someone I'll get pissed and maybe that will help me get me over her.
No solution to this, just felt like venting a little.
Definitely not interested in rebounding. I'm still in love with her and I don't think that will change soon. Probably when I find out she's dating someone I'll get pissed and maybe that will help me get me over her.
No solution to this, just felt like venting a little.
Ohh ok, the "Should I still pursue her?" threw me off. The less you analyze little things, the better off you will be. And don't think/say that, saying you were going to talk to her, but she wasn't there. Just gives you a cop out (we have all done it).
Sorry to hear, man. But the bolded line is all you need to know to move on.
This is why I always try to kiss a girl on the first date if I'm into her. I've done this on the last ~5 first dates I've been on and haven't been turned down once. The longer you wait to establish physical intimacy the harder it gets.
lastplayed
Member
Gaf, I've been on three dates with a girl and we haven't kissed yet. Now I've asked her out the past two nights and she told me she'd rather stay home. I've messed up big time huh?
That would be fine, but the strange thing is that she keeps texting me first thing in the morning and last thing at night, we still get on really well. I have no idea what the hell's going on.
That would be fine, but the strange thing is that she keeps texting me first thing in the morning and last thing at night, we still get on really well. I have no idea what the hell's going on.
lastplayed
Member
Dunno, there just didn't seem like a good opportunity. Yeah, next time I'll make sure there is one.
But why would she still be texting me all the time if I screwed up?
But why would she still be texting me all the time if I screwed up?
Devolution
Member
I just gotta say this, if you haven't gotten at least a kiss in your first three dates, and this goes for just about everybody, just move on.
Dafuq
Devolution
Member
It's like you want to be friend/sibling zoned.
electricshake
Member
Absolutely 100% nay. Not sure why you would even think this is a good idea.
Couple things I've learned in my life pertaining to this topic:
1)People can be quick to get cold feet after the first date ("only if you're not attractive/not what they expected!" you say. Har har har)
2)Women will rarely tell you directly that they're not interested. They'll be indirect and make up excuses, lies, etc. This is because they don't want to deal with you. It sucks, but that's how it works.
I'm sure both things I mentioned have been said multiple times already, but seeing some of the recent posts, I thought I'd put it out there for emphasis.
1)People can be quick to get cold feet after the first date ("only if you're not attractive/not what they expected!" you say. Har har har)
2)Women will rarely tell you directly that they're not interested. They'll be indirect and make up excuses, lies, etc. This is because they don't want to deal with you. It sucks, but that's how it works.
I'm sure both things I mentioned have been said multiple times already, but seeing some of the recent posts, I thought I'd put it out there for emphasis.
What the hell is this?
My thoughts exactly
Yep. If you don't get it by the 2nd, things are iffy. Still nothing by the 3rd, you're fucked, and not in a good way. Your ass is friendzoned, dude. If things went well, I'd go for it on the first, but only if it seemed she was really into me. Doesn't hurt to take a initiative or be a go getter. Sometimes taking that risk and having some balls is enough.
You should have told her that you don't fuck on the first date, because it gives you something to look forward to on the next. If all goes well, proceed to use anal or whatever fetish/kink you have, in conjunction with that line.
I want my check in the mail. Paypal is fine too.
Instant friend zone.
Text book case of borderline syndrome.
"love-hate relationship with humanity" = extreme opposite conflicting thoughts.
"love war movies" and all that stuff supposed to be addressed to guys = conflicting sexual identity, she is also apparently unable to have same sex friendships. Her attachment to her only girlfriend is a bit creepy and foreshadowing.
"domestic goddess" = grandiose self, this is recurrent in many passages. She either exaggerates her merits or the value of the things she is involved in.
three years relationship with an abusive guy = low self esteem, which coupled with the grandiose self makes for a pretty dangerous picture. I don't buy her rant about trust and cheating. I bet you she cheated on him as much as he did on her.
This also comes back into play when she is talking about her future children and the destiny she foresees for them is being ridiculed for their red hair.
"war-torn, power-hungry, self destructive" = when people describe their view of the world, they are describing themselves: these three aren't exactly appealing qualities. At least "the world could be such an amazing place" means she genuinely wants to be happy.
"universe pulling constantly in one direction or another" = again, opposite conflicting thoughts, but here she also underlines her inability to control things (hence the "power-hungry", I guess).
"doing a million things" = again, typical borderline. She needs to keep herself busy because she can't bear the thought of being alone.
General outline: you can't deal with a borderline by challenging him/her. If you get her in a debate, whatever the outcome, she will hate you for it. With borderlines you can be kind and you don't need to play games, even though at first she may take your honesty as a way of mocking her, if she is paranoid enough. If she says stuff out of line you can easily tell her you were offended, she will say she is sorry. The only thing you really have to fear with a girl like her is if she gets too attached and starts becoming suicidal, see the way she talks about her best friend and the way she assumes they will be tied to each other forever.
Borderlines are a danger only to themselves, and they make for very interesting people because they DO involve themselves in one million things at a time.
Anyway: red-head, freckles and dimples? 10/10 If I'd read a summary like this on OKC I would immediately go for it.
stn
Member
Tsukumo is right: she cray. Anyway, wanted to share a few quick insights I've recently gained...
1. I've been messaging girls online with "If you were me and wanted to get your attention, what would you say?" One girl replied "Say hey, what's up". Never listen to women (except for Pau and electricshake).
2. Great place to meet girls is the smoking section of every club. I always use the same opener: "Hey, I'm new here. Where is a good after-party?" Got a number last night and talked to 8-10 girls.
I did #2 all on my own even though I had a group. I say this because you COULD go alone and perhaps succeed (this is intended for any of you who don't really have friends or club friends). Either way, was fun. Looking forward to the next outing.
1. I've been messaging girls online with "If you were me and wanted to get your attention, what would you say?" One girl replied "Say hey, what's up". Never listen to women (except for Pau and electricshake).
2. Great place to meet girls is the smoking section of every club. I always use the same opener: "Hey, I'm new here. Where is a good after-party?" Got a number last night and talked to 8-10 girls.
I did #2 all on my own even though I had a group. I say this because you COULD go alone and perhaps succeed (this is intended for any of you who don't really have friends or club friends). Either way, was fun. Looking forward to the next outing.
grap3fruitman
Banned
Wow, that's like some third date shit right there bro. Go for the back of the hand unless you want to come off as some kind of sex pervert. Don't forget to take off your fedora when you do it. That's mistake #1.
Some people have a tendency to judge others more often to take their minds off of their own shortcomings. As for me, I'm more of a "Yes you look and act funny, but then again so do I, and so do all of those people over there, so don't worry about it" kind of person.
PsihoPerihelion
Member
lol, I think I made a huge mistake. Date 5 and still nothing. Weeks ago she was really insinuating some things and now it's just like she almost forgot about it.
I wanted to go slow but she's starting to put things like "being single is so awesome!" on her facebook status and I really, really think I might have waited too much.
Next Friday is my birthday and we are going to see each other that day. She has a gift for me and man, I really wanted to tell her yesterday during our date that I like her but I just couldn't. So maybe I will do it on Friday and boom, we will see what happens.
You know what's funny? I'm not an attractive guy at all and on my previous dates I've always been told by a girl that she likes me. Seriously, I've never been the first to say "hey, I like you." Fuck me, man.
Edit: Date 4 actually, not 5. Sorry about that mistake. Also, our first date was awful, so the fact that we are still hanging out is kind of a miracle lol.
I wanted to go slow but she's starting to put things like "being single is so awesome!" on her facebook status and I really, really think I might have waited too much.
Next Friday is my birthday and we are going to see each other that day. She has a gift for me and man, I really wanted to tell her yesterday during our date that I like her but I just couldn't. So maybe I will do it on Friday and boom, we will see what happens.
You know what's funny? I'm not an attractive guy at all and on my previous dates I've always been told by a girl that she likes me. Seriously, I've never been the first to say "hey, I like you." Fuck me, man.
Edit: Date 4 actually, not 5. Sorry about that mistake. Also, our first date was awful, so the fact that we are still hanging out is kind of a miracle lol.
I'm 32 next month and am currently dating a few chicks. Depends on how you approach it. If you're 28+ you shouldn't be trying so hard like a 19 year old. You're a man, act like one.
Well I'm 26 and have only had one serious long term relationship so far for about a year, (she was living with me) turned into a fucking nightmare. We broke up, and I've been single for about 2 years now.
Dates here and there but nothing ever really came out of those.
I know I'm not getting any younger but, it's just hard being committed and tied down, I seriously did not like it for just having a relationship for a year.
I seriously don't even know where I stand on dating and relationships anymore, on the one hand I enjoy sex alot but the drama and problems that arises/realities are sometimes too much to deal with.
TL
R it's just easier, and carefree being single, but I miss all the bareback cum in vagina sex and companionship. what should I do GAF ?
Bay Maximus
Banned
You're like every father's dream.
Okay, let me explain. Fucking KISS! Jesus.
TL
what should I do GAF ?
I'm in the same boat as you. Broke up with my ex back in January and have been enjoying my single life. Like you said, it is just easier not having to worry about stupid shit. And like you, I miss the companionship and doing nothing with someone.
Never think with your second head. Usually doesn't end well. If you enjoy your life right now as is, then I say just go for hook ups. Nothing wrong with that as long as you make your intentions clear to the girl.
HAHA this.
Well I'm 26 and have only had one serious long term relationship so far for about a year, (she was living with me) turned into a fucking nightmare. We broke up, and I've been single for about 2 years now.
Dates here and there but nothing ever really came out of those.
I know I'm not getting any younger but, it's just hard being committed and tied down, I seriously did not like it for just having a relationship for a year.
I seriously don't even know where I stand on dating and relationships anymore, on the one hand I enjoy sex alot but the drama and problems that arises/realities are sometimes too much to deal with.
TL
what should I do GAF ?
I was like that, I didn't want to be a boyfriend but wanted some of the activities and sex. So that's what I said to the girls when I first started seeing them (this was a few years ago). When I would start seeing a girl I told her how I felt and what I was looking for. Most were receptive and fine with it, a few not but whatever. There are girls out there not looking for full blown relationships especially at your age. I was 29/30 when I did this and dated chicks from 19 to 35. It was great.
I dunno, but I have the impression that asking for a date is for younger people. But i have never been on game, so I have no clue. :S
Thing is I haven't been able to get a read on this girl at all. Or I fail at it. Like we've been on and off for the last year. We dated at first, then broke it off, started back off again and she said we were just friends. But this third time around, it was clear and she was actually wanting a kiss when I went for it, but I gave her the forehead peck instead as to get an idea.
Of course seeing all these replies now, I should have just went for the real deal. If there's a next time. . . I know I goofed as we had planned a dinner the next night, but then she cancelled and we haven't hung out since, but we're still keeping in touch.
Of course seeing all these replies now, I should have just went for the real deal. If there's a next time. . . I know I goofed as we had planned a dinner the next night, but then she cancelled and we haven't hung out since, but we're still keeping in touch.
RedNalgene
Member
Yeah, pretty much. What's the worst that can happen when you go in for the kiss?
1. She turns her head and you get the cheek. OK, fine. Not a complete dealbreaker but you tried. Hopefully this happens at the end of the night, but if it doesn't then just brush it off and see how the rest of the night goes.
2. She stops you. This one you've got to address, but it's likely she'll say something first like "oh, I don't like you like that". If that happens you messed up a long time ago and didn't really make your intentions clear. But at least you now know where you stand. Or she says "I'm not ready for that step yet". OK, fine, but at least you asserted yourself and made your intentions clear. See where things go and take it slowly, but at least she knows you're into her.
Either way she won't be OFFENDED by you going in for the kiss. If anything it will bring to the surface how you each feel about one another. I've had both of the above happen to me and I'm still alive.
It's not like launching a nuclear weapon.....
2 wouldn't work where I live unfortunatelyTsukumo is right: she cray. Anyway, wanted to share a few quick insights I've recently gained...
1. I've been messaging girls online with "If you were me and wanted to get your attention, what would you say?" One girl replied "Say hey, what's up". Never listen to women (except for Pau and electricshake).
2. Great place to meet girls is the smoking section of every club. I always use the same opener: "Hey, I'm new here. Where is a good after-party?" Got a number last night and talked to 8-10 girls.
I did #2 all on my own even though I had a group. I say this because you COULD go alone and perhaps succeed (this is intended for any of you who don't really have friends or club friends). Either way, was fun. Looking forward to the next outing.
All bars close at 2am here so all after parties would be at someone's home. Asking a girl to join an after party pretty much always mean that the guy wants to have sex and that rarely works unless you've talked to her earlier. I don't think strangers are invited to our after parties all that often :SEven if you don't want to just blindly go in for the kiss, I never do, if you're even slightly good at conversation it's not hard to get both of you talking about kissing and eventually get them to kiss you by challenging their kissing skills, by saying you like their lips but do they know how to use them, etc.
I never go in for the kiss and focus my energy on getting them to kiss me, and once it happens, the tone is set for the rest of our relationship. They felt the pressure of going for the kiss, they felt the possibility of rejection, they wonder whether I liked it or didn't like it, and now they feel this relationship won't be like all the other ones they've been in. It gives me all the power going forward.
That's just me though, I'm sure for most people just going in for the kiss and getting either the head turn/push away/actual kiss works.
Femmeworth
Banned
I will keep this in mind.
- Status