Support NeoGAF

[dochuge]

Would something like commenting on a fb status being any better? Like a more open thing rather than a direct message? Also, I'd date several women if I could...it just doesn't seem to happen that way with me. I'm coming out of a serious thing that ended badly and has really fucked me up the last few months. I don't feel ready to start dating several anyway, I feel wary of even one but we get along so well I took the chance.

I would be more direct and text her directly. Just a "I hope you have a great Xmas." You need to know where this woman stands as quickly as you can. She doesn't respond? Cut bait and dump any thoughts of dating her out of your head. She does? Still doesn't mean anything, you might still date her or not. If a woman is interested they find time to text, period. If she's busy, she'll text you later.

I've learned two important things about dating, both chicken expressions:

Don't put all your eggs in one basket: date multiple women at a time, I know it's hard for you but focusing on one at a time will burn you, sounds like its already affected you psychologically

Don't count your chickens until they hatch: I'm guilty of that. I've been excited and told people about a date coming up. And then they cancel. Or sometimes not even show up. That one is particularly "lovely". Date isn't on unless they are sitting there in front of you.

 

[Unicorn]

You guys need to stop over thinking non replies. Especially this month. Haha

 

[dochuge]

You guys need to stop over thinking non replies. Especially this month. Haha

This is very true, people are busy this time of year. I still stand by if she's interested, she'll text you.

 

[The Artful Dodger]

You guys need to stop over thinking non replies. Especially this month. Haha

This.

Holidays are always hectic, be cool. (I say that more than anything else on this thread. Lol)

 

[TylerD]

Well, it feels like Christmas has come early for me Dating-Gaf. My great fuck up seems to be recoverable at this point. She sent me a selfie yesterday of her outside in the snow at her parents place and keeps reaching out. I asked if she wanted to hang out when she gets back in town in a week and got a maybe. I'll take that, its a little better than please don't contact me again.

My month out of contact has pretty much eliminated any texting anxiety and I promised her that the confused idiot with the phone has been exorcised.

 

[Jhoan]

Since I mentioned that I would post my year retrospective last week, it's time to throw my hat in the ring. I'll try to keep it simple and post positive stuff/highlights:

-Went out with 2 different women (a personal record). Got my first kiss ever in April and I also got blue balls for the first time in my life which has got to be the most god awful pain for men in the nether regions next to getting hit in said area.
-Volunteered/worked at a couple of events and met a bunch of new people in the process as well as old acquaintances.
-Went to a bunch of social events on my own, had fun, met temporary acquaintances, and got to develop my social skills further (I embraced the fact that I love being single as I can do whatever I want without committing to anything)
-Met a bunch of famous people and they were awesome.
-Met a bunch of new fantastic GAF members as well and caught up old ones.
-Joined my college's Comic Club this semester after my student government stint ended in the summer; got 2 comics published and I'm now listed as a contributor in the upcoming issue
-Learned to cook a few new things and affirmed to myself that I'm a decent cook when my mother isn't around
-Had an awesome 25th birthday as it was one of the best birthdays I had in years.

Overall, despite not doing so hot academically and misusing my time among other things, it was a pretty good year for me.

Things to improve next year:
-Overthink about doing stuff/asking women out less often. I blew my shot with the Spaniard girl that was in 3D Animation class this semester when I kept putting it off. I know her full name but I don't know if I should find her on Facebook to message her and potentially ask her out. In general, I overthought about many things this year which wasn't a good thing.
-Procrastination habits: I had a bad semester as my grades are going to reflect it. Will plan on keeping a calendar and write down all assignments that are due until the end of the semester, things to do each day, etc.; basically organize myself and improve my academic performance.
-Dating life: i know what I'm looking for now and it's definitely not a relationship. I'm looking to go out with more women, have fun, and enjoy myself. Online dating has was a frustrating avenue this year after watching my brother have success with it. So next year, I'll make an effort to flirt with women more (something I do subconsciously) after being stressed out.
-Make a website to house my portfolio and design a business card over the break and continue developing art skills
-Apply for internships
-Go more social events on my own/or with friends if applicable.

 

[Minamu]

-Overthink about doing stuff/asking women out less often. I blew my shot with the Spaniard girl that was in 3D Animation class this semester when I kept putting it off. I know her full name but I don't know if I should find her on Facebook to message her and potentially ask her out. In general, I overthought about many things this year which wasn't a good thing.
-Make a website to house my portfolio and design a business card over the break and continue developing art skills

If you knew her well and she didn't turn you down or anything, you could add her and talk to her I guess, why not? Maybe you just stumbled upon her, that happens right? As for portfolio and such, if you'd want to, you could practice on both website creation and business card with me as your "client" I need a better website than alexmorath.carbonmade.com anyway and I don't have the art skills to make a unique business card myself. I'd obviously credit you, making the portfolio site your own portfolio material

 

[Eaten By A Grue]

I have a very extremely shitty story to tell. To keep a long story short.

I meet someone, we start messaging back and forth, and talk on the phone once. We set up a brunch date three weeks ago for the following weekend. The night before she texts me that she cannot make it due to an unfortunate schedule change at work. I say that is fine things like that happen and would she like to reschedule our brunch. She said that is fine, but she can meet in two weeks because she has finals last week. I said that sounds great, we can meet that weekend then. So this Friday I text her saying can't wait to see you tomorrow. And she says yeah I cannot wait to meet you either. Well I go to bed, get ready to wake up for the next morning. I wake up, check my texts and received a few from her saying she thinks it is a bad ideal to meet and she is not ready for a relationship at this time and she does not want to hurt my feelings.

Like an idiot I respond "I understand" and wish her luck. She pretty much strung me for an entire month only to cancel at 4AM the morning of the brunch date. I am furious now. I actually texted her back earlier today and said it was pretty crappy to message back and forth, talk on the phone, and cancel on me twice. I would have thought better of her. Then for some reason at the end I wished her the best of luck again and have a good holidays. I feel like an idiot for being so nice to her again. I am way to nice person of a person and always try to find the best in people. I feel like she walked all over me with no regards for my feelings. I doubt it, but I really hope she texts me back so I can let her know. I swear most people do not have any consideration for others and this is why I have no faith that I will ever meet someone decent in my life.

 

[Etrian Oddity]

Broke my progress of at least kissing at least a girl a year, feels so forever a scone. Kind of to be expected since I left college though.

At least I had a lot of professional growth this year!!!

 

[PflargBlarg]

This is very true, people are busy this time of year. I still stand by if she's interested, she'll text you.

You are spot on. My basic rule is really just to put yourself in their shoes. If you were interested in a girl and she messaged while you were busy, would you not get back to her as soon as you were able? They aren't mysterious things other than human, they'd do the same thing. An interested person puts in effort to see the person they're interested in, that's pretty much it. No sense in wasting your time with someone who isn't doing that.

 

[Kad5]

Concise as possible: I met this girl about a month ago. She had dyed her hair blue so I casually passed by her and said that I thought her hair was "blutiful". That was my first interaction with her. I overheard her tell her friend next to her that she would date me just for saying that. Gave me a slight confidence booster I guess. A week later I see her again and we start talking. She seems pretty interested I guess. We talk about our favorite music and some of our views on stuff and we seem like very compatible people. So I ask for her number and she gives it to me.

So I don't really text her much to be honest. I saw her again two weeks ago. She was outside in the courtyard in the college we both attend. She said hi to me and told me to come down and hang out with her and her friends. I don't talk to her much though cuz she seems occupied with her female friends. So I start talking to some of her other friends casually.

I overhear her talk about a guy she saw at a starbucks that she thought was attractive supposedly but I didn't think much of it. Maybe she lost interest? I dunno.

So Finals week rolls around...so I text her after one of my finals on Tuesday. I have some trees and I knew she was 420 friendly so I ask:

Me:Hey if you wanna smoke today hmu
her: Hey! I can't smoke...finals :-\
Me: For sure good luck.

I leave it at that for about 2 or 3 hours and then say:

Me: On another note let me know when you wanna kick it. I'm free all weekend.

And that's as far as its gone. No text back; nothing.

So is this a no go or am I supposed to be doing something here? I'm sort of confused because I swear she was interested in me but you would think she would be texting me way more and making more of an effort to chill with me.

 

[Jhoan]

If you knew her well and she didn't turn you down or anything, you could add her and talk to her I guess, why not? Maybe you just stumbled upon her, that happens right? As for portfolio and such, if you'd want to, you could practice on both website creation and business card with me as your "client" I need a better website than alexmorath.carbonmade.com anyway and I don't have the art skills to make a unique business card myself. I'd obviously credit you, making the portfolio site your own portfolio material

See it's funny because I was discussing this stuff on Saturday night with a bunch of GAF members at a meet up. They told me the same thing.

In my experience, the biggest downside with adding girls that I'm interested in on FB is that I'll add them, make an excuse not to message them or message them briefly without really asking them out (conversation usually dries up), and completely forget about them to the point where months go by. I've done this a few times and in regards to the Spaniard girl, I would see her chatting on FB during class. I've also lurked on her profile to show my brother what she looks like. But I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try as long as I don't sleep on it.

We also got to talking about business cards as I had a bunch of them in my wallet and was pointed to a good example of the ones I had. Incorporate personal art work on the front and back, experiment with typography, and color were the pearls of wisdom I got (I've also taken a few graphic design courses on top of art classes and a web page design class). I suppose I could work on a few designs.

Given that you're an aspiring game designer based in Sweden when one thinks about games, one thinks about digital stuff so I think a readable digital typography would be the first step. I would be up to the challenge. Maybe incorporating Swedish flag colors would be another thing. First step is research on the client (in this case you).

Looking at your website, it's pretty basic. My advice would be to make a wire frame which is a layout of the site's contents either in Photohop or Illustrator to organize the look but basic things to include would be a main page with an overview of what you're about, a blog, portfolio, and a contact page. There's also a really good website called codecademy that's free and will teach you web page design. I haven't practiced it in a while, but compared to game programming, web page design is easier. I suppose you could look at Raging Spaniard's website for a good example (which is his GAF name.com).

Back on topic @Potam, it almost sounded like you borderline hover handed her. I'll agree with touching her next time she comes over. You fell victim to overthinking-itis. I understand you're bad with reading women's signals but given that she right next to you and you didn't do anything the whole time makes people face palm. I'm picturing you guys silently watching the episodes akin to being in movie theatre unless you were bantering while watching it.

EDIT: @Kad, I remember you being the dude who got played by the chick who hit your car lol. The ball is in her court but given that she hasn't responded, I would suggest that you move on. If she would have been interested, she would have contacted you over the weekend (unless she has finals on Monday that she hasn't contacted you).

 

[-ImaginaryInsider]

So I got some feedback on the girl that majorly came on to me and that I asked out/made out with and then she flaked... apparently she told her sister and my friend's wife that "she likes me" but "isn't ready" for what I want.

It's interesting that she was the one who wanted me to move closer/meet her parents and all I did was ask her out and talk about music.

Not a shabby way to end 2013.

 

[Kad5]

EDIT: @Kad, I remember you being the dude who got played by the chick who hit your car lol. The ball is in her court but given that she hasn't responded, I would suggest that you move on. If she would have been interested, she would have contacted you over the weekend (unless she has finals on Monday that she hasn't contacted you).

You're probably right. I was thinking to maybe try calling her tomorrow morning, ask her how finals went, and ask if she wanted to go out or something. But for all I know she just lost interest. It's weird though because I know at one point she did have interest. Missed my chance I guess. Oh well. Moving on.

 

[Universaldamps]

I've been together with my girlfriend for about a year now. Over the duration of our relationship and more recently specifically, I've had the quaint feeling of irritation whenever money pops up (ie dinner/gifts/food etc). I feel like I'm spending more than I should, and not getting much in return. It's partly due to my weak will and just giving in, but it's starting to bother me. She's knows I'm not bursting at the seams with cash.

For example, when ever I lend some money for food, she'll assure me to pay me back and it never happens. It's small amounts, so trying to chase it up feels a bit petty. I don't mind shouting for stuff, but it never happens for me. Another example is birthday presents. We went shopping together (our birthdays are close). I spent about $150 for her present, she spent $50 with the promise of something else. Never happened. There's countless other things like these ones.

Am I unreasonable for thinking she's stingy? She is by no means lacking in funds. Her dad owns a dermatology practice and gets free money. Her apartment in Tokyo is paid for by her dad. Christmas is coming up, and she wanted a 3DS so I caved and got it as an early present. She has been playing the shit out of it and I'm getting less sex. I have a feeling she hasn't even bothered to get anything for me yet, though maybe I'm just being over pessimistic. Sigh!

 

[Darklord]

I would be more direct and text her directly. Just a "I hope you have a great Xmas." You need to know where this woman stands as quickly as you can. She doesn't respond? Cut bait and dump any thoughts of dating her out of your head. She does? Still doesn't mean anything, you might still date her or not. If a woman is interested they find time to text, period. If she's busy, she'll text you late.

Yeah, true. Maybe I'll IM her on facebook, that's still direct. She seems to be on there a fair bit. I do feel kinda stupid texting three times in a row with no reply, makes you kinda look like an arse in the chat log.

 

[Idde]

I've been together with my girlfriend for about a year now. Over the duration of our relationship and more recently specifically, I've had the quaint feeling of irritation whenever money pops up (ie dinner/gifts/food etc). I feel like I'm spending more than I should, and not getting much in return. It's partly due to my weak will and just giving in, but it's starting to bother me. She's knows I'm not bursting at the seams with cash.

For example, when ever I lend some money for food, she'll assure me to pay me back and it never happens. It's small amounts, so trying to chase it up feels a bit petty. I don't mind shouting for stuff, but it never happens for me. Another example is birthday presents. We went shopping together (our birthdays are close). I spent about $150 for her present, she spent $50 with the promise of something else. Never happened. There's countless other things like these ones.

Am I unreasonable for thinking she's stingy? She is by no means lacking in funds. Her dad owns a dermatology practice and gets free money. Her apartment in Tokyo is paid for by her dad. Christmas is coming up, and she wanted a 3DS so I caved and got it as an early present. She has been playing the shit out of it and I'm getting less sex. I have a feeling she hasn't even bothered to get anything for me yet, though maybe I'm just being over pessimistic. Sigh!

Is she used to getting free stuff from her parents?

 

[Universaldamps]

Is she used to getting free stuff from her parents?

Definitely. She gets hand outs from her parents all the time, though I had hoped she would realise I'm not her parents. Discussing money is likely to get a bit messy, I need to think of a more passive approach.

 

[Idde]

Definitely. She gets hand outs from her parents all the time, though I had hoped she would realise I'm not her parents. Discussing money is likely to get a bit messy, I need to think of a more passive approach.

That can be a pretty shitty situation. How old is she? Do you think she's mature enough to realize that one day she's gonna have to take care of yourself? And that she can't expect you to give her the same stuff as her parents did? Do you think you can sit down with her and talk about it? It really reminds me of an ex of mine. Her parents were pretty rich, and she was pretty spoiled. In everything. She automatically expected to be taken care of. That sort of ruined our relationship. Hope yours turns out better.

 

[Universaldamps]

That can be a pretty shitty situation. How old is she? Do you think she's mature enough to realize that one day she's gonna have to take care of yourself? And that she can't expect you to give her the same stuff as her parents did? Do you think you can sit down with her and talk about it? KIt really reminds me of an ex of mine. Her parents were pretty rich, and she was pretty spoiled. In everything. She automatically expected to be taken care of. That sort of ruined our relationship. Hope yours turns out better.

She's 28, I'm 24. Her personality doesn't really portray a 28 year old, and I often forget she's a bit older than me. She's Japanese, and I'm Australian so there are cultural differences, but I'm not sure it really applies to my conundrum. Anyway! Hopefully I can sort it out without too much conflict. Everything else is going great.

 

[Minamu]

Given that you're an aspiring game designer based in Sweden when one thinks about games, one thinks about digital stuff so I think a readable digital typography would be the first step. I would be up to the challenge. Maybe incorporating Swedish flag colors would be another thing. First step is research on the client (in this case you).

Looking at your website, it's pretty basic. My advice would be to make a wire frame which is a layout of the site's contents either in Photohop or Illustrator to organize the look but basic things to include would be a main page with an overview of what you're about, a blog, portfolio, and a contact page. There's also a really good website called codecademy that's free and will teach you web page design. I haven't practiced it in a while, but compared to game programming, web page design is easier. I suppose you could look at Raging Spaniard's website for a good example (which is his GAF name.com).

Sounds like a plan I know the site is very basic, carbonmade offers one default design basically for everyone. It does look plain and many have the same not-so-unique look but I like the focus on my stuff so there are less clicks for a head hunter to click on. The more clicks to my cool stuff, the less likely I am to get a job essentially. So that's why I think the plain and straight-forward look is a good start. I might look into other designs as well, I've seen some other personal portfolio sites and there's always tumblr and wix.com. I think a business card might be more pressing

As for the girl: Go for it! Always give less fucks

 

[dochuge]

You are spot on. My basic rule is really just to put yourself in their shoes. If you were interested in a girl and she messaged while you were busy, would you not get back to her as soon as you were able? They aren't mysterious things other than human, they'd do the same thing. An interested person puts in effort to see the person they're interested in, that's pretty much it. No sense in wasting your time with someone who isn't doing that.

YES! They aren't mysterious creatures, if she digs you, she'll text you. Period. No mystery involved. This, "I'm so busy" is really an excuse. Pulling out a cell phone and texting someone takes SECONDS to do. You don't have to have any drawn out texting conversation for hours either. Just a "hey, how are you?" or "really busy with the family, let's talk later." Something. If she's interested she would reach out even if her day is a pretty full one.

 

[dochuge]

Yeah, true. Maybe I'll IM her on facebook, that's still direct. She seems to be on there a fair bit. I do feel kinda stupid texting three times in a row with no reply, makes you kinda look like an arse in the chat log.

Keep your chin up, you're showing way more restraint than most guys. So congrats. Most guys will text and text, make phone calls, leave messages, etc. You can't push a woman towards you. But wishing her a Merry Christmas after a few days of texting her isn't pushing things. This is really a test for you to show how interested she is, but PLEASE, if she doesn't respond, MOVE ON dude. There are a lot of women out there who will like you and enjoy being with you.

Like I said, I'm in the same boat although I dated this one twice. She flattered me like yours did. I was told how attentive I was, what a great dad I am, etc. She talked a lot about sex and relationships, told me that she needed to be respected in a relationship, etc. We held hands, made out, she talked about seeing my kids, spending time together. And I STILL don't know where I stand with her. I'm thinking she's been hurt badly and afraid of getting in a relationship and so gives me the warm and cold act. BUT, Ill try one more time but I'm ready to cut bait. In fact, I have a date tonight with another woman although she's canceled on me twice (she's been sick) so it isn't looking good. Welcome to the world of dating!

 

[potam]

So, let's see.... Hung out with that girl again last night. Grabbed some pizza, then went back to my place to drink eggnog/rum and watch more GoT. I finally made a move, we made out, and she spent the night (no sex). Woke up and talked in bed for about an hour before I had to leave for work. All in all, feeling amazing.

Then she texts me saying she wants to be upfront about some other guy who she's been talking to. She explains that she still doesn't know me well enough to fully commit, which I get. I'm 99.9999% sure I know who the dude is, and I'm not really threatened...I'd just rather not deal with that hassle. But, I'll keep on truckin' down this path since this girl is some mythical combination of crazy attractive and crazy cool.

No real point to this other than wanting to type it out.

 

[PflargBlarg]

So, let's see.... Hung out with that girl again last night. Grabbed some pizza, then went back to my place to drink eggnog/rum and watch more GoT. I finally made a move, we made out, and she spent the night (no sex). Woke up and talked in bed for about an hour before I had to leave for work. All in all, feeling amazing.

Then she texts me saying she wants to be upfront about some other guy who she's been talking to. She explains that she still doesn't know me well enough to fully commit, which I get. I'm 99.9999% sure I know who the dude is, and I'm not really threatened...I'd just rather not deal with that hassle. But, I'll keep on truckin' down this path since this girl is some mythical combination of crazy attractive and crazy cool.

No real point to this other than wanting to type it out.

I want to point out how great it is that she would tell you that. Things are so much easier when you know exactly what the situation is, and not everybody would be so up front. She sounds good.

 

[potam]

I want to point out how great it is that she would tell you that. Things are so much easier when you know exactly what the situation is, and not everybody would be so up front. She sounds good.

Oh yeah, I agree. It just sucks since after last night I thought it was smooth sailing (hell, it might still be) from here on out.

 

[dochuge]

Oh yeah, I agree. It just sucks since after last night I thought it was smooth sailing (hell, it might still be) from here on out.

Yes, that's great she was upfront, it sucks, but at least you know where she stands. No guessing games necessary, but the waiting game has begun.

 

[GutsOfThor]

Well I made my move on that one girl I've been talking about. I made every excuse that I could in my head not to do it but just said "fuck it" in the end and asked her out for coffee. I'll most likely get rejected but hey, at least I tried!

Edit: It's been 24 hours and still no response so yep, I got rejected. Oh well, onto the next one!

 

[Stormtrooper30]

So sex hurts my girlfriend. I should preface by saying that she's new to this, but we've tried several times with differing levels of success. She is small and we use condoms and lube (although more lube is always necessary.

It's frustrating because I can tell that she enjoys it but she cannot go for too long without it hurting. Has anyone else experienced this/have any advice on the matter? I've mulled it over and think that she may get used to it with time, or she may be allergic to latex.

 

[Darklord]

Keep your chin up, you're showing way more restraint than most guys. So congrats. Most guys will text and text, make phone calls, leave messages, etc. You can't push a woman towards you. But wishing her a Merry Christmas after a few days of texting her isn't pushing things. This is really a test for you to show how interested she is, but PLEASE, if she doesn't respond, MOVE ON dude. There are a lot of women out there who will like you and enjoy being with you.

I messaged her tonight and she did message back. She wondered why I had stopped talking to her... Apparently my last 2 texts never went through and she assumed I lost interest and didn't want to bother me. We chatted for only a bit tonight then she stopped talking but she did say she was very tired and had a long day so it could be anything but I guess she still likes me.

 

[drkOne]

Need to vent with you guys

Started dating this girl in July. She was a friend of a friend, we were never close before that.
It all started with text flirting, I eventually asked her on a date. It went fine and we both had a good time.
We got together a couple more times, I started getting to know her better. I found out she had trouble trusting people after her last relationships. That made me feel protective about her like I had never felt before, which I can say put some pressure on me.
We kissed, things were going smoothly. We talked about us. No labels.

August came. She was going to spend 3 weeks with her parents and I assumed she wouldn't have much time to see me, which was fine. The last time we were together before that I decided to ask her if we were exclusive.
Her answer caught me by surprise. It was a yes. Though she added that she often changed her mind.
I tried to understand what that meant, she just told me that she couldn't predict the future.

We kept texting. There were some not-so-good episodes because of how easy it is to misunderstand texts and how I started to overthink every text I sent her, worrying she'd get pissed off or hurt.
We saw each other, 3 weeks later. There was an awkward silence... We started chatting about us, I told her I couldn't give her security if she gave me none. The things I regret saying because I feel I went misunderstood...
At the end she told me that things went too fast between us.

That was in August... I never really understood what that meant. The most important for me was the friendship we had, the romance was just the way of making that friendship last. Texting everyday is a part of a romantic relationship for me, I'm not even comfortable otherwise. So is everything else I had with her since we started talking, I'm not like that with regular friends I have no romantic interest on.
I just wanted to explain that to her and have some kind of closure. If there was nothing romantic to pursue, I was back to being her friend's friend.

I asked her to come see me before going out for the holidays... She ignored that part of the text. I asked her if it was so hard to be honest about not wanting to get romantic with me. No answer.
I was pissed off. I didn't want to cut contact with her, I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want to be told "hey, I changed my mind again, when do you wanna hang out?", I just needed some closure and having things go back to what they were before we got closer.

Out of the blue she made conversation on Facebook. I wasn't expecting hearing from her again. It started rocky, her trust issues really show sometimes, which makes messages that much worse.
I told her how things were. I couldn't keep my friendship with her as it was, because eventually one of us would find someone and there'd be no place for that kind of special friendship. I think she understood.
I'm still hurt, she never had the time to have that kind of conversation. She didn't trust me to have that kind of talk, where everything just peacefully ends.
I was a mess from August to December, but I never wanted to fully cut contact because I didn't know what was going on in her mind.
She never told me the reason other than "it didn't work out".

It was good for me, even if I'm emotionally drained after all of this. I was romantic, after losing trust in people from my last relationship 5 years ago. It felt good trusting her, and even if I feel like things could've worked out, and least it was genuine.

I want your opinion on how our friendship will work from now on... I don't see her regularly and I won't be making conversation. She'll always be special for me, but I just can't stay close. I need to move on and get her out of my mind.
Is this the childish way to solve things?

 

[giga]

Need to vent with you guys

Started dating this girl in July. She was a friend of a friend, we were never close before that.
It all started with text flirting, I eventually asked her on a date. It went fine and we both had a good time.
We got together a couple more times, I started getting to know her better. I found out she had trouble trusting people after her last relationships. That made me feel protective about her like I had never felt before, which I can say put some pressure on me.
We kissed, things were going smoothly. We talked about us. No labels.

August came. She was going to spend 3 weeks with her parents and I assumed she wouldn't have much time to see me, which was fine. The last time we were together before that I decided to ask her if we were exclusive.
Her answer caught me by surprise. It was a yes. Though she added that she often changed her mind.
I tried to understand what that meant, she just told me that she couldn't predict the future.

We kept texting. There were some not-so-good episodes because of how easy it is to misunderstand texts and how I started to overthink every text I sent her, worrying she'd get pissed off or hurt.
We saw each other, 3 weeks later. There was an awkward silence... We started chatting about us, I told her I couldn't give her security if she gave me none. The things I regret saying because I feel I went misunderstood...
At the end she told me that things went too fast between us.

That was in August... I never really understood what that meant. The most important for me was the friendship we had, the romance was just the way of making that friendship last. Texting everyday is a part of a romantic relationship for me, I'm not even comfortable otherwise. So is everything else I had with her since we started talking, I'm not like that with regular friends I have no romantic interest on.
I just wanted to explain that to her and have some kind of closure. If there was nothing romantic to pursue, I was back to being her friend's friend.

I asked her to come see me before going out for the holidays... She ignored that part of the text. I asked her if it was so hard to be honest about not wanting to get romantic with me. No answer.
I was pissed off. I didn't want to cut contact with her, I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want to be told "hey, I changed my mind again, when do you wanna hang out?", I just needed some closure and having things go back to what they were before we got closer.

Out of the blue she made conversation on Facebook. I wasn't expecting hearing from her again. It started rocky, her trust issues really show sometimes, which makes messages that much worse.
I told her how things were. I couldn't keep my friendship with her as it was, because eventually one of us would find someone and there'd be no place for that kind of special friendship. I think she understood.
I'm still hurt, she never had the time to have that kind of conversation. She didn't trust me to have that kind of talk, where everything just peacefully ends.
I was a mess from August to December, but I never wanted to fully cut contact because I didn't know what was going on in her mind.
She never told me the reason other than "it didn't work out".

It was good for me, even if I'm emotionally drained after all of this. I was romantic, after losing trust in people from my last relationship 5 years ago. It felt good trusting her, and even if I feel like things could've worked out, and least it was genuine.

I want your opinion on how our friendship will work from now on... I don't see her regularly and I won't be making conversation. She'll always be special for me, but I just can't stay close. I need to move on and get her out of my mind.
Is this the childish way to solve things?

She's not ready to date. It's good that you're trying to move on. And no, it's not childish at all. Cutting contact is the best way to do that. You don't want a constant reminder of her or what could have been.

And it's never easy to do this. I had to remove everything that reminded me of my ex. I deleted her number. Deleted all her texts. Deleted any photos of her or places we were together. Removed AND blocked her from facebook--because it was getting to the point where I was still looking her up and checking out what was going on in her life.

I'm not sure if you want to go to that extreme. But if it gets so bad that you're still hung up over her and still Facebook stalking her, then that's what you'll need to do IMO.

 

[potam]

Man, I've been thinking more and more about what that girl told me yesterday, and I think I'm going to have to make a decision here. I don't think I can handle casual dating if it's someone that I really like and see something in.

I'm going to bring it up next time I see her, but I'm not sure how exactly to approach it. Basically, I want to explain to her that I don't want to keep doing this if she doesn't want anything more serious, while at the same time telling her that I don't mind if she's going out with other people for now...but every time I run it through my head, I feel like I'm coming off as some demanding psycho.

Not to mention how fucking confused this all makes me. One minute she seems rather indifferent, and then the next she's telling me she wishes we were cuddling in bed. Fuck.

 

[electricshake]

So sex hurts my girlfriend. I should preface by saying that she's new to this, but we've tried several times with differing levels of success. She is small and we use condoms and lube (although more lube is always necessary.

It's frustrating because I can tell that she enjoys it but she cannot go for too long without it hurting. Has anyone else experienced this/have any advice on the matter? I've mulled it over and think that she may get used to it with time, or she may be allergic to latex.

I know how she feels, and it's good that you're understanding. I would say the best thing would be to focus on other things apart from penetration, and try and make her as relaxed as possible. I find the whole build up to sex can be (but isn't always) quite stressful and it makes me anxious, because I'm worried about the pain. So if you focus on the foreplay and get each other off without actually having sex every time that could help. Plus if you spend longer on foreplay you'll hopefully need less lube when you do decide to go in. Spending longer on the build up might also mean that neither of you last as long when actually having sex, which could also help. But if she's new to it, it might be that all it takes is a bit of time (and patience!).

 

[Eaten By A Grue]

Going off what I said above do you guys think it is a bad idea to email a new person who cancelled on me twice the day we were supposed to meet and let them know I thought it was inconsiderate that they strung me along for a month?

I am definitely going to move on of course, but it has not sat well with me all week and it would let me feel better and get things off my chest that they know I am disappointed in them.

 

[potam]

Going off what I said above do you guys think it is a bad idea to email a person who cancelled on me twice the day we were supposed to meet and let them know I thought it was inconsiderate that they strung me along for a month?

I am going to move on of course, but it would let me feel better and get things off my chest and let them know how disappointed I am in them.

Just let it go. Anything you say to her more than likely won't change how she acts in the future, and it'll just make you come off as weird.

 

[Eaten By A Grue]

Just let it go. Anything you say to her more than likely won't change how she acts in the future, and it'll just make you come off as weird.

The thing is I feel like they are getting away with it without knowing they were inconsiderate to the other person (i.e. me). I feel like I am not going to see this person again so I have nothing to lose.

 

[stn]

Don't bother, man. My advice would be to stop, smile, and let it go. Why? Because it may happen again - it may happen to you 200 times for all we know. She won't learn anything from it, she'll just say to herself, "Oh, his last message was rude. I'm so glad I didn't meet him."

EDIT: If you DO decide to tell her off, don't do it by e-mail. Just makes you look too afraid to confront. Call her over the phone and teach her a lesson in social etiquette. But really, best course is to just move on. Consider it a good character builder.

 

[beat]

I messaged her tonight and she did message back. She wondered why I had stopped talking to her... Apparently my last 2 texts never went through and she assumed I lost interest and didn't want to bother me. We chatted for only a bit tonight then she stopped talking but she did say she was very tired and had a long day so it could be anything but I guess she still likes me.

Ok, I take it back, Facebook chat's "seen" message isn't the worst thing ever. And come to think of it, I've been having ridiculous trouble with Skype IM lately.

(Seriously though, happy for you.)

 

[Eaten By A Grue]

Alright I will be the bigger person and go with the general consensus and not email anything.

I hope it stops bothering me though because I felt blindsided to wake up to a text saying she was not ready for a relationship when we were supposed to meet for the first time at brunch that day. Especially when she confirmed the night before she looked forward to it. It just feels wrong just bottling everything up after being in communication with this person for a month during which she had plenty of time to voice any reservations. Why tell me in a text a few hours before!

Arrg this is going to be hard to hold back I feel like I have an obligation to speak up for nice guys everywhere that we cannot be strung along just to have our time wasted!

 

[drkOne]

She's not ready to date. It's good that you're trying to move on. And no, it's not childish at all. Cutting contact is the best way to do that. You don't want a constant reminder of her or what could have been.

And it's never easy to do this. I had to remove everything that reminded me of my ex. I deleted her number. Deleted all her texts. Deleted any photos of her or places we were together. Removed AND blocked her from facebook--because it was getting to the point where I was still looking her up and checking out what was going on in her life.

I'm not sure if you want to go to that extreme. But if it gets so bad that you're still hung up over her and still Facebook stalking her, then that's what you'll need to do IMO.

Yeah. I guess I could have done things a bit differently about her trust issues. Still I don't think I pressured her at any time, and she told me I never made her uncomfortable.

I told her that I'll always think of how it could've been whenever I think of her, and that I don't want to feel that way. I'm not a part of her life anymore, and haven't been for a while, I just want to cut the texting habit with no hard feelings. I can't keep feeling protective of a regular friend, or I'll be punishing myself.

Thank you for your word, I've vented on Dating Age quite a few times without ever giving much advice. I'm a lot more positive about dating now, and this community really helped with that.

 

[Deleted member 10571]

Ok, I take it back, Facebook chat's "seen" message isn't the worst thing ever. And come to think of it, I've been having ridiculous trouble with Skype IM lately.

(Seriously though, happy for you.)

That's why half the world is using Whatsapp these days! You Americans will learn that, too

 

[dochuge]

I messaged her tonight and she did message back. She wondered why I had stopped talking to her... Apparently my last 2 texts never went through and she assumed I lost interest and didn't want to bother me. We chatted for only a bit tonight then she stopped talking but she did say she was very tired and had a long day so it could be anything but I guess she still likes me.

That's awesome, dude! See? No harm in texting her. I was pleasantly surprised myself this morning. The woman who I've been seeing and really liking traveled back to her home state over the holidays. I texted her on Thursday, no response. Was going to wish her a merry xmas today but she wished me one first, with a cute little cartoon attached. All is good.

 

[dochuge]

Don't bother, man. My advice would be to stop, smile, and let it go. Why? Because it may happen again - it may happen to you 200 times for all we know. She won't learn anything from it, she'll just say to herself, "Oh, his last message was rude. I'm so glad I didn't meet him."

EDIT: If you DO decide to tell her off, don't do it by e-mail. Just makes you look too afraid to confront. Call her over the phone and teach her a lesson in social etiquette. But really, best course is to just move on. Consider it a good character builder.

Yes! Listen to this person. Venting does nothing. You have to act care free like her flakiness has NO influence on your behavior or happiness. Period. You really need to portray a " I don't give a shit" attitude. Her behavior won't change and you aren't teaching her a lesson by doing so. This happens to everyone, trust me.

 

[Pau]

So sex hurts my girlfriend. I should preface by saying that she's new to this, but we've tried several times with differing levels of success. She is small and we use condoms and lube (although more lube is always necessary.

It's frustrating because I can tell that she enjoys it but she cannot go for too long without it hurting. Has anyone else experienced this/have any advice on the matter? I've mulled it over and think that she may get used to it with time, or she may be allergic to latex.

For some of us, it can take a while to get past that threshold of pain, unfortunately.

I'd say what's helped the most is trying different positions and finding what's most comfortable. And of course, doing it often! It started hurting less and less and I can last longer, although the pain comes back if I go too long without penetration. You can also try to get her off before penetration starts. Oh and get her a nice dildo! That way she can have something to do on her own or if you're together it gives a bit more control and can help her ease into it.

 

[zeemumu]

What's your policy on a girl leaving a guy for someone else due to relationship stagnation?

 

[Minus_Me]

If she isn't happy in a relationship, there's no reason for her to stay. The same would be applied to a man also.

 

[potam]

Well what the fuck.

I try to act cool about the situation with her, the other guy bitches about it. She goes for him.

Is this real life?

 

[twilitesparklemotion]

Well what the fuck.

I try to act cool about the situation with her, the other guy bitches about it. She goes for him.

Is this real life?

Behave in a way that makes you happy with you, and you'll attract people you like. If it doesn't work out with someone then you weren't going to work anyway. Good luck!

 

[giga]

Yeah. I guess I could have done things a bit differently about her trust issues. Still I don't think I pressured her at any time, and she told me I never made her uncomfortable.

I told her that I'll always think of how it could've been whenever I think of her, and that I don't want to feel that way. I'm not a part of her life anymore, and haven't been for a while, I just want to cut the texting habit with no hard feelings. I can't keep feeling protective of a regular friend, or I'll be punishing myself.

Thank you for your word, I've vented on Dating Age quite a few times without ever giving much advice. I'm a lot more positive about dating now, and this community really helped with that.

No problem dude. We're all here for each other. It helps to see that someone is listening.

What's your policy on a girl leaving a guy for someone else due to relationship stagnation?

Cut her off and forget about her.

Well what the fuck.

I try to act cool about the situation with her, the other guy bitches about it. She goes for him.

Is this real life?

Shit sucks, doesn't it? Nothing else much to say, except to be thankful you weren't that emotionally invested in her.