So gaf, I'm confused, and this post is part "writing stuff down so I can process it" and part "I need some advice."
An ex and I started chatting a few weeks ago after a group meet up, it'd been five years since we'd seen or talked to each other. Messaged a little on facebook, sizing each other up I suppose.
Very likely.
Several times during us talking she mentions playing the field, dating around, sleeping with her tattoo artist, blah blah, the boyfriend she had after me and how controlling he was. This isn't a big deal to me because sex is the equivalent of eating and sleeping in my eyes so I couldn't care less about people she'd seen since we'd broken up.
She was trying to make you jealous. If I recall correctly, you and her were in a relationship for two years and never had full-on sex? Maybe she is just curious to know "how it feels" with you.
Couple days ago she asks me if there's anything in particular I think about when I remember her, memories, favorite things we did. She tells me hers, I ask if this is some sort of twisted ploy for me to fuel her doomsday machine with nostalgia fuel. She says yes, I tell her give me a few because I'm going on a motorcycle ride, she says please be safe and make sure to tell her because she really needs the fuel and for me to talk with her. I thought the whole thing was kind of odd because prior to this she kept telling me she's some sort of heartless bitch ice queen, her nickname at work is Violent Victoria, she knows self defense, a whole lot of posturing it appears like. Anyway, I tell her my favorites, that it's easier to reminisce in person and ask her on a date, which gets a prompt yes. Intermittent flirting in between that she's reciprocates.
Well, usually when people boast about themselves they are trying to convince themselves more than anybody else. Nowadays playing it like someone is a jerk/bitch is a way to feel tough.
Night prior to the date she asks if we're still on for "that thing tomorrow." I say yeah, give me a time and I'll meet you. We go to a state park and walk through the woods for a few hours and catch up, eat lunch, generally a good time.
Later that evening is my buddies birthday, which a group of three of us always celebrate. Somehow she gets invited and tags along which is cool. After dinner we all go out to a club.
She's the only girl in the group that isn't the birthday boy's girlfriend, so I figured she'd get some attention. One of the guys asks her to dance, they go off and dance for a while, I dip out with my friends and let them have fun. My buddies and I are dancing and laughing at one point when I see her and the guy get a drink and walk off to a quiet part of the club to talk. I ignore them and continue dancing and socializing, but I glanced back a few times and she was looking at me. The group moves to dance in an R&B room, she starts grinding on him, and keeps looking at me while doing it. I shrug it off and walk away again.
This was a good move. When guys or girls try to make someone jealous, it's because they don't feel worthy of someone: they need to show how much they are worth by the attention they get from other people. I bet you her "controlling" ex-boyfriend probably freaked out every single time she smiled at a guy XD
I'm designated driver so I can't even drink at this point.
Later she walks up to me super drunk and hangs on me. Just lays her head on my shoulder and I tell her "I have no idea what you want me to do here."
She is offering a make-out, basically.
She tells me several times how drunk she is,
Probably she was more sober then anyone in the club XD
asks me "What specifically would I have to do to make myself more attractive right now",
Judging from these type of declarations I'd say she has no clue on men. I think she is convinced the reason why you two didn't have sex had to do with her.
She thought she got you with the bragging about boyfriends when you offered a date, but then you didn't react to the grinding with another guy and she upped the ante in the most explicit way possible because she doesn't know how to tease or flirt. Has she been raised only by her mother?
later asks me to guide her to the bathroom and holds my hand the whole time, wraps my arm around her waist, all this touchy stuff. Then starts bringing up weird stuff like "Do you remember that time I gave you a blowjob on Valentines day?" I ask her to come dance with me, she says "No, I don't want to. But I'll go dance, if you want." That didn't make any sense so I just told her "If you don't want to dance, then don't."
She was talking about the blowjob
not the dancing. She made an offer and probably regret that the moment she said it. Maybe she was as drunk as she was claiming.
We leave the club and head back to my ex's place, as thats where we all left our cars. She asks me when I arrive to be the last one to leave, because the guy she was dancing with is trying to hook up with her. She won't let anybody up to her apartment but me, where I left my phone charger. We go up, I get it, tell her to drink some water and go get comfy and I'll talk to her later. She says "I'm going to go take my dress off. But I'm waiting until you leave, because that would be inappropriate."
Mordeccai, she may be clueless about men but you are quite the match for her
This isn't just one single, ambiguous signal, this is A FLOOD of signals.
This stuff reminded me of a sequence I saw in
Carlito's Way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMw1DcWS0UQ
(sorry about the horrible quality)
I tell her it's nothing I hadn't seen before,
Great move...
she laughs and says oh yeah, I rub the back of her head and hold her face and say she should go to sleep.
...that you didn't make the best out of. I know this wasn't intentional of you but this was cruel teasing.
Before I leave she gets this look on her face and tells me to please text her when I'm home.
Basically she has given up and she probably felt humiliated. She kept offering herself to you all night and let herself go, to the point of inviting you to her house and no one else, now she is trying to re-establish control on herself and re-evaluate your relationship by taking care of you.
Anyway, I let her know I'm back,
This "told" her that you are ok with her taking care of you. She was looking for any sort of closure, because probably she can't figure you out and she couldn't figure out why "you" never tried to have sex with her, and you gave her one. A very negative one.
she drunk texts for a bit, but for a couple days now she's hasn't communicated with me as much. I'm having a new years party tomorrow with a few people and she's coming over. I think I might have feelings for her, more sexual than romantic, but I'm not sure how to process all of it. Neither of us wants something serious.
Of course she doesn't, you don't hear the word "controlling" from a girl who is able to commit. At this point I think it's very likely she was raised only by her mother and that her mother was a serious hard-ass.
On one hand I don't mind that she danced with the other guy at the club, but on the other, it felt kind of weird going out with her that day and her giving me the shoulder at the club until after a few hours of dancing with this guy.
Is the best way to approach this to just be straight up with her tomorrow night and tell her flat out I have an attraction to her and wouldn't mind some casual fun?
She offered you this very "arrangement" the entire night. I think she is so clueless she probably didn't understand you weren't able to read her. I think she summed up your actions as you refusing her out of dislike or boredom.
Its not like we're strangers and I'd be comfortable just flat out saying that. I just can't gauge if she actually has an interest in me, and was gauging my reaction to her dancing with other guys in the club, or if she's just fucking with me.
You can tell if a girl is messing with you by the fact that she is trying to show the people around how much
you want
her: in this case, she was showing everyone how
she wanted
you.
Also, 1- she didn't brought any of her friends 2- she didn't grind with you 3- she didn't brought you up and then "sorry, got to go to the bathroom" and stayed there for an hour "taking off her make-up". These are all signs she was for real.
But I'm fairly sure I've made my intent clear through flirting, asking her on a date, so I dont know if spelling it out is going to make it better or worse.
I think it will make it worse. She will do this again sooner or later, next time you and her are on a date assume she is after you. Don't say it explicitly or you'll ruin it. You felt comfortable enough around her to get her to bed, massage her and hold her face (WTF man? XD) next time throw in some smooching.
