grap3fruitman
Banned
How come no one likes me?
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
- Status
i gotta say that i don't pop in this thread too often, but I saw this and without knowing the context it is super awesome! it is nice that people honestly try to help each other in here.
Wish I had the answer to this. I struggle with this every day.
EdibleKnife
Member
Are people telling you they don't like you?
smokeandmirrors
Banned
I'm two semesters away from graduating college. I see the dim light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm 12 credits from completing my major requirements.
And yet I just want to give up. It's been a stressful and annoying last two years and I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of all the fucking stress, this semester is especially worse. I don't even want to continue with my major. I don't like it anymore.
I just want to be done.
And yet I just want to give up. It's been a stressful and annoying last two years and I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of all the fucking stress, this semester is especially worse. I don't even want to continue with my major. I don't like it anymore.
I just want to be done.
We found out today that my wife had a miscarriage. It's still very early in the pregnancy, but it's late enough that we're in a huge statistical minority.
This happened the first time we tried to have a child (this one was unplanned). Honestly, it did not bother me very much. There's a saying I'll butcher about how a woman becomes a mother when she feels pregnant; a man becomes a father when his child is born. That struck me as so true the first time. I was just strong for my wife. Miscarriages are very common. It was no one's fault. It happened. I sympathized, or course, but I couldn't empathize. I had no idea what it felt like.
We were told we lost the next pregnancy. He'll be four in April. So they fucked that up and we got a huge apology.
It felt different that time. Seeing the person you love most in the world devastated AGAIN and blaming herself...the emotional toll is higher. We wanted to be parents. This sense of "how many times will we have to go through this? Can we even have a baby?" set in. It was the strangest experience of my life to see a tiny beating heart on an ultrasound we had been told showed nothing. It took MONTHS before it all sank in again. I remember absolutely clearly going to a Mountain Goats concert and having this sudden realization that I was going to be a dad.
We want another kid. We didn't want one NOW - my life is a mess, I was scheduled to do this whole therapy thing to, in a very real sense, come back to life.
So we had the surprise, but the panic and fear turned into resolve and happiness. There's no bigger push to get better than having a human life completely dependent on you.
I could keep going on and on, but I don't know that I have a point. I've just been totally devastated today. I'm strong for my wife, which I'm proud of. But every moment I spend alone, I just burst into tears. I don't know why it's different, but it is. I'm all over the map. I'm hurt, and angry, then I'm resolved to keep living and getting better, then I'm a wreck, then I talk to the few people I reached out to (apologies to friends who are learning about this in this way. I could only stand having a direct talk with a tiny handful of people about this. I know you'd be there for me, and it means so much to me.) and they were beautiful and their love and concern made me feel like crying from happiness at knowing them. And on and on.
I have this odd sense of blaming myself for everything today. The people I know from this community all seem to be in worse shape than when I met them. It's like my care and concern are actually toxic.
We're all guilty of that fallacy - the only constant in our lives is ourselves, so of course that seems like the one unifying thread. It's dumb. I know that. But how awful does it feel when all the love I have for people, which overwhelms me and feels so vast and powerful to me, is ultimately so weak, so tiny, and so insignificant against all the forces of a universe that could not give less of a fuck.
Growing up is hard. You come to learn both how powerful you can be, how much your love can mean to others, how a small act, like Flo sending me a beautiful gift out of the blue, can affect other people's lives for the better. And at the same time, I love my wife and son more than anything in the world; I'd trade my life not even to save theirs, but just to spare them some small amount of pain. But as strong as those sentiments are, they can't protect them. Love somehow means everything and nothing at the same time and I think that gets harder to understand, not easier, as you get older.
I felt resolved earlier, like that is some weak shit, universe. Fuck you, I'm going to keep going. And maybe I'll feel like that in the morning. I hope so. I guess it's hard to feel that heroic, crying alone at your desk in the dark, typing on the internet, at midnight.
In oddly non-sequitur-style conclusion, thank you for reading. And thank you to all of you who have become part of my life and let me into yours. I know we'll ultimately be okay. The people I talked to reminded me that, even if my love can't save anyone, I'll go ahead and offer it up anyway. Despair is not going to be part of who I am. Love means nothing in terms of stopping every bad thing from happening, but it means everything when you have to figure out how to deal with it. For the people who helped me out today, and the people I know will be messaging me tomorrow, it could not mean more to me to know you. thank you for being who you are.
I'm sure none of that made any sense, but it helped to type it out. My love to all of you. I'm going to bed.
Pete
This happened the first time we tried to have a child (this one was unplanned). Honestly, it did not bother me very much. There's a saying I'll butcher about how a woman becomes a mother when she feels pregnant; a man becomes a father when his child is born. That struck me as so true the first time. I was just strong for my wife. Miscarriages are very common. It was no one's fault. It happened. I sympathized, or course, but I couldn't empathize. I had no idea what it felt like.
We were told we lost the next pregnancy. He'll be four in April. So they fucked that up and we got a huge apology.
It felt different that time. Seeing the person you love most in the world devastated AGAIN and blaming herself...the emotional toll is higher. We wanted to be parents. This sense of "how many times will we have to go through this? Can we even have a baby?" set in. It was the strangest experience of my life to see a tiny beating heart on an ultrasound we had been told showed nothing. It took MONTHS before it all sank in again. I remember absolutely clearly going to a Mountain Goats concert and having this sudden realization that I was going to be a dad.
We want another kid. We didn't want one NOW - my life is a mess, I was scheduled to do this whole therapy thing to, in a very real sense, come back to life.
So we had the surprise, but the panic and fear turned into resolve and happiness. There's no bigger push to get better than having a human life completely dependent on you.
I could keep going on and on, but I don't know that I have a point. I've just been totally devastated today. I'm strong for my wife, which I'm proud of. But every moment I spend alone, I just burst into tears. I don't know why it's different, but it is. I'm all over the map. I'm hurt, and angry, then I'm resolved to keep living and getting better, then I'm a wreck, then I talk to the few people I reached out to (apologies to friends who are learning about this in this way. I could only stand having a direct talk with a tiny handful of people about this. I know you'd be there for me, and it means so much to me.) and they were beautiful and their love and concern made me feel like crying from happiness at knowing them. And on and on.
I have this odd sense of blaming myself for everything today. The people I know from this community all seem to be in worse shape than when I met them. It's like my care and concern are actually toxic.
We're all guilty of that fallacy - the only constant in our lives is ourselves, so of course that seems like the one unifying thread. It's dumb. I know that. But how awful does it feel when all the love I have for people, which overwhelms me and feels so vast and powerful to me, is ultimately so weak, so tiny, and so insignificant against all the forces of a universe that could not give less of a fuck.
Growing up is hard. You come to learn both how powerful you can be, how much your love can mean to others, how a small act, like Flo sending me a beautiful gift out of the blue, can affect other people's lives for the better. And at the same time, I love my wife and son more than anything in the world; I'd trade my life not even to save theirs, but just to spare them some small amount of pain. But as strong as those sentiments are, they can't protect them. Love somehow means everything and nothing at the same time and I think that gets harder to understand, not easier, as you get older.
I felt resolved earlier, like that is some weak shit, universe. Fuck you, I'm going to keep going. And maybe I'll feel like that in the morning. I hope so. I guess it's hard to feel that heroic, crying alone at your desk in the dark, typing on the internet, at midnight.
In oddly non-sequitur-style conclusion, thank you for reading. And thank you to all of you who have become part of my life and let me into yours. I know we'll ultimately be okay. The people I talked to reminded me that, even if my love can't save anyone, I'll go ahead and offer it up anyway. Despair is not going to be part of who I am. Love means nothing in terms of stopping every bad thing from happening, but it means everything when you have to figure out how to deal with it. For the people who helped me out today, and the people I know will be messaging me tomorrow, it could not mean more to me to know you. thank you for being who you are.
I'm sure none of that made any sense, but it helped to type it out. My love to all of you. I'm going to bed.
Pete
Thanks for sharing, it was an interesting read.
Vigilant Walrus
Member
I am terrible sorry to read this. It makes me very very sad to read that this happened to you!
There is not really any words that can swipe away the pain that happened to you. My deepest sympathizes to you and your wife.
I'm glad to hear it arrived at such good timing. I hope you enjoy it. You deserve it.
But here's the thing: I already know my character flaws. My friends and family have already told me and I've already examined myself: I'm lazy, don't apply myself, easily distracted, etc. All they'd tell me is stuff I've been telling myself for the past month, and I don't really need that.
I felt like I was really trying. I was early for work everyday, I did whatever was assigned to me to the best of my abilities, I asked questions when I didn't understand something (which was often as the learning curve was high and my training was pretty bad. didn't help that my questions and offers to help others when I had no work were routinely ignored). I really felt like I was putting my best foot forward, but here I am.
The reason I focus so much on this aspect of my life is because I have things I want to do that unfortunately require money. Like finally moving out of my mom's place. It's hard not to feel like a failure when you don't have a job and don't feel like you have any idea what you're fit to do. I honestly did hate that job and was fully aware the chances for advancement or even permanent employment were slim, but it's what I want to school for and it's all I felt like I could do. So I guess that's what has me so down really: what do I do now? I don't want to work in that field (games) and the field doesn't want me, so where do I fit in now?
This is true. Like, I know it's hard for anyone to get a job and I am happy for my friends who got hired on at my old one - I may have hated it, but maybe they'll have a different experience. It's just rough watching others succeed when you failed. Self-centered and selfish, I know.
But at least now, I know for sure that I don't want to work in the games industry. I don't really know what I can do know, but maybe I'll figure it out with enough searching.
Lionheart1827
Member
Shitttt. Sorry to hear that Bagels. 
Stay strong buddy.
Stay strong buddy.grap3fruitman
Banned
The universe is telling me.
Thanks for the kind words, everybody. I do indeed feel better today. I know I've gone on the occasional anti-venting crusade (not really, but that's what it gets reduced to) in here, but it helps me a lot to just get the thoughts written down.
And can I just say, not to pick on mrkgoo - I know what you're saying, and I appreciate it - but that response really made me laugh. It's like, "thank you! I'm glad you found my personal tragedy fun to read about!" I know that's not what you meant, but I read things in a funny way. I just loved that.
I don't have anything resembling enough of a response for you, Bagels. I've never gone through anything even closely resembling that kind of pain, and I'm all too eager to point out the pains I have gone through.
All I can say in an attempt to relate, and it's probably the kind of stuff I shouldn't really be sharing, is that I'm the result of a miscarriage. My parents wanted two kids; my brother was born no problem, but on try 2, my mom miscarried. It's only because of that that they had to try again and wound up with me.
Don't know what my point is there, but it's the closest I have to a relevant comment.
Collete
Member
Bagels, you're still a dear friend. And while I've been shitty at maintain conversations sometimes, I still value you as someone I look up to even though we don't talk as much.
I'm sorry you went through this though...I don't have any words to say but, I am sorry you're going through this....Some Psych major I turned out to be lol.
Your words have helped this community more than you think, a lot of people are getting help because you made this new OT. Don't forget that. You'll get through this, which seems eons away, but you'll be stronger than ever.
We got your back, Bagels.
To cheer you up a little, I did a new painting (was gonna upload an old one to my tumblr but decided to do a new one for you).
Link to a Larger Version
Slumbering Seahorse
What was originally going to be a painting of water with rays of light then turned into a wispy grass painting. Then the result is what you have here which I’m actually quite satisfied with. I was at first thinking it might be closer to a Pokemon such as Kingdra, Horsea, or Seadra. But in either case, Pokemon or not, it looks like a seahorse to me sleeping. What does it look like to you?
Edit: Also I have a tumblr now if any of you are interested. Click my GAF name and go to "my home page"
Vigilant Walrus
Member
Swap game developer out with working in the film industry and you got my situation. We live in a world of job snobbery, and we shouldn't put that much emphasis on our careers. Maybe you will also take great comfort in what Alain De Botton has to say: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtSE4rglxbY
I love his talk!
It sucks feeling that way but it's not true. For example, this thread, along with me, like you.
Sometimes life just throws hurdle after hurdle at you and it's so draining and exhausting. It will make you feel and think things that aren't true.
Do you want to talk about what's been making you feel this way lately?
Sqrt_minus_one
Member
Bagels (Pete):
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss, my heartfelt and deepest condolences.
If you still remember me, I don't hang out here on Skype no more cos well life, work and this our shared condition. But I assure you I am better now than when we first met, some of that due to the support you and others on here provided.
@Everyone else
I originally came on here to vent about how damned awful today has been and how I was nearly in tears 2 days ago. But we all need to move beyond venting / self loathing and into doing _ have to take our lives back, deep down I like to think we all know we are indeed worth something, worthy of affection, capable of success but we can't let life beat us down till we have nothing left. We have to convince ourselves that the previous statements are true _ insert Sylvester Stallone rocky speech here. Maybe we gotta fight a little harder than others *shrug* thems the breaks I suppose.
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss, my heartfelt and deepest condolences.
If you still remember me, I don't hang out here on Skype no more cos well life, work and this our shared condition. But I assure you I am better now than when we first met, some of that due to the support you and others on here provided.
@Everyone else
I originally came on here to vent about how damned awful today has been and how I was nearly in tears 2 days ago. But we all need to move beyond venting / self loathing and into doing _ have to take our lives back, deep down I like to think we all know we are indeed worth something, worthy of affection, capable of success but we can't let life beat us down till we have nothing left. We have to convince ourselves that the previous statements are true _ insert Sylvester Stallone rocky speech here. Maybe we gotta fight a little harder than others *shrug* thems the breaks I suppose.
Femmeworth
Banned
I'm realizing more and more that I can't rely on my SO. Shit sucks.
Sorry to hear that.
An SO should ideally be the person you can rely on when shit goes down.I had a breakdown 'cause of school. Didn't go to a job interview today and instead dropped one of my classes. Back to taking just 12 credits. Sucks that I can only expect the bare minimum from myself, but gotta keep focused on doing it.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Sorry to hear that.
I had a breakdown 'cause of school. Didn't go to a job interview today and instead dropped one of my classes. Back to taking just 12 credits. Sucks that I can only expect the bare minimum from myself, but gotta keep focused on doing it.
That many credits by itself is pretty tough and just because you're taking 12 credits doesn't mean you're doing the "bare minimum". Going to college is still something a lot of people don't do and you're been working while going so you're not exactly just sitting around and skating by. And at least for me, the fear and realization of taking on that amount of work was usually more scary than the actual work. Even with getting a job, it was the most scary right when I thought I had it than when I was actually there or the process of submitting applications or similar. Everyone stumbles at times, you'll keep working hard and get better with it. I know it can be frustrating but like you said you have to stay focused on where you're trying to go to and not so much about things that might have gone wrong right now. You'll do great.
Did you try to reschedule the interview at least?
Femmeworth
Banned
Sorry to hear that.
I had a breakdown 'cause of school. Didn't go to a job interview today and instead dropped one of my classes. Back to taking just 12 credits. Sucks that I can only expect the bare minimum from myself, but gotta keep focused on doing it.
12 isn't the bare minimum... I've taken more than 4 courses in only ONE semester in all of my undergrad. I can't do more, especially with also working. I'd break down so hard. 12 credits isn't that out of the ordinary.
Thanks for the kind words, everybody. I do indeed feel better today. I know I've gone on the occasional anti-venting crusade (not really, but that's what it gets reduced to) in here, but it helps me a lot to just get the thoughts written down.
And can I just say, not to pick on mrkgoo - I know what you're saying, and I appreciate it - but that response really made me laugh. It's like, "thank you! I'm glad you found my personal tragedy fun to read about!" I know that's not what you meant, but I read things in a funny way. I just loved that.
Well, you know, it's not that I'm PLEASED you went through that all, just that what you wrote about and your thoughts were compelling to read.
I feel learning about the inner workings of people's minds, how they process thoughts and emotions, how they deal with tragedies and pleasantries can help others to learn more about themselves and how to best approach their own lives.
In that vein, all sharing is basically a help to all others.
Femmeworth
Banned
I picked a bad time to restart taking Wellbutrin XL. Fuck.
No, I got you! And I did appreciate the kind words - I know what you meant. I honestly just read things in a funny way sometimes. I just really loved reading it in this weirdly dispassionate way.
I'm right there with you - I like learning how other people think. And I'm happy that my ramblings (I basically think out loud by writing, so it really is a decent window into my strange mind) were of interest. It does help when you can take something bad and try to get something out of it, something that can maybe help others. It's why I've spent so much time in this thread.
I haven't been around lately much, though. All these new faces! And the beautiful old faces! Colinisation, dude, of course I remember you! Thank you for the kind words. Sorry things aren't going so hot. We really should catch up sometime!
Hey...just checking in. Long-time bipolar/depression/mental health problems-person here. Had a bit of a wobbly a couple of weeks ago after being taken off meds. They've been represcribed and I'm just off work until Monday to recoup. Inspirational reading all of this. What a great thread.
MisterLuffy
Member
My birthday is today. To be honest, I don't feel special at all today. It's just like any other day. It's great getting some messages from my friends and family on FB saying "happy birthday" to me. But I just don't feel any difference other than age.
You don't have to - I think 'society' puts a lot of pressure on us to feel a particular way on a particular day - as if you can impose a feeling from outside just by giving a day a name. I think it's quite healthy to not be able to switch on 'enthusiasm' or 'happiness' just because the calendar tells you to.
I'm not sure if you normally feel that way about birthdays though. FWIW I used to feel excited, but I'm of the age now where it really is just another day.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Did you used to or something? I've never liked birthdays since I was a little kid.
Happy birthday! Treat yourself to an awesome meal!
Femmeworth
Banned
Welp, sent the SO a decent sized email with my concerns. It's been so long since I had to experience a breakup, I don't know how I will handle it if it comes to that. Edit: At least it would be amusing if we broke up the week before Valentine's Day.
Happy birthday Luffy!
All the dreams I once had are fading fast, and I'm starting to lose hope anything will ever change. I studied animation/art, but I'm currently in a career that is completely different and I don't yet see a way out of it.
When I get home I feel too exhausted to work on my portfolio, and by the time the weekend comes along I just lack the motivation or discipline to achieve what I want to achieve. It's annoying since I wish the week away so that the weekend can come by quicker (in hope that the weekend will turn my problems around), but I don't really do anything over the weekend. Even if I do get the motivation to work over the weekend it's usually on a Sunday night, and then it's back to 5 days of working the next day. I feel like a robot.
Every single week is exactly the same.
Just under a couple of years I'd say, but ever since I started my job I've been getting worse.
All the dreams I once had are fading fast, and I'm starting to lose hope anything will ever change. I studied animation/art, but I'm currently in a career that is completely different and I don't yet see a way out of it.
When I get home I feel too exhausted to work on my portfolio, and by the time the weekend comes along I just lack the motivation or discipline to achieve what I want to achieve. It's annoying since I wish the week away so that the weekend can come by quicker (in hope that the weekend will turn my problems around), but I don't really do anything over the weekend. Even if I do get the motivation to work over the weekend it's usually on a Sunday night, and then it's back to 5 days of working the next day. I feel like a robot.
Every single week is exactly the same.
Best of luck Femmeworth. That's tough when support isn't there. :/
MisterLuffy, I've been feeling that way on my birthday since I was around 12/13. Recent years I haven't even remembered it until it was a day or two away.
Just try to treat yourself nicely. That's what I try to do.
edit: Just realized I didn't add best wishes for your birthday.
MisterLuffy, I've been feeling that way on my birthday since I was around 12/13. Recent years I haven't even remembered it until it was a day or two away.
Just try to treat yourself nicely. That's what I try to do.
edit: Just realized I didn't add best wishes for your birthday.
I'm so sorry, Bagels. You've got my sympathy. I had a cousin that had 4 miscarriages, and it's really taken a mental toll on her. She's definitely profoundly depressed and has self worth problems. She and her husband ended up adopting a child, but it still hasn't helped her out very much. I hope you and your wife don't end up in the same boat.
MisterLuffy
Member
Thanks everyone. I truly love the calligraphy. Looks nice. Thanks Bagels. I saved it on my computer.
Thanks, White Man. It's generally at 3 miscarriages, especially in a row, that they really recommend you look into parental genetic testing. We were offered testing on the "products of conception" (without getting graphic, I don't know if I'll ever recover from what we had to bring in to the hospital) but the results are almost always non-heritable genetic anomalies. It's very rare that you get anything beyond whatever reassurance you can derive from "spontaneous chromosomal anomalies present." We didn't do the testing.
Our son will be 4 in April, so this is almost certainly just a thing that happened. Miscarriages are incredibly common. We had reached the point where the odds are about 5% and we were in that 5%. There is some small measure of comfort in all of this. We want another kiddo and we'll almost certainly try again. But the anxiety is going to run very high and there really is a cumulative emotional toll, like you said.
We're just really grateful for all the support we've received. It's obviously way harder on her, but it really has been pretty devastating for me, too. I'm fine when I'm with her, because I have a job to do, to be strong for her. But when I'm sitting here alone with my thoughts, I oscillate between breakdowns and being okay. I can't say what it means to have messages from friends from the thread, people I only just kind of know, and even some from people I've never met. I honestly don't have the words to describe how wonderful you all are.
Lionheart1827
Member
MisterLuffy
Member
Thanks Lionheart 
Thanks for that. Really got me thinking. Maybe I need to redefine my standards of success...
I applied for a job at a catering company. I used to do some event planning stuff for a school organization and I really liked it and was told I was good at it. I don't know if this will lead to anything, but I know I'm not going to keep settling because I don't think I deserve better. At least now I can say I took the shot.
Femmeworth
Banned
Eek, she replied to my email. I'm scared to look.
I know that feeling.
Just look, and if you use Gmail go into it gently (read the preview bit, give yourself a break, then read it properly). It's bandaid-ripping.Femmeworth
Banned
Yep, she's pissed and breaking things off. I'm in tears.
*hugs!* Then, she doesn't deserve you. Give yourself some time to recover, then go out there and find the girl that'll actually care about you. 'Cause she is out there, I'm sure.
Happy birthday, MisterLuffy!
Damn, Bagels. Reading that, all I can say again is I'm sorry and I know you'll pull through.
Wish I could go back to being numb. It's truly terrible when you feel like crying, want to cry, and just can't. Feels like nothing is resolved or let out, no matter how much you talk, or who you talk to. I really at this point don't know why I ever let my motto become "Through adversity to the stars," because adversity has kicked me down into the dirt and is pinning me there. I don't know what to do.
Damn, Bagels. Reading that, all I can say again is I'm sorry and I know you'll pull through.
Wish I could go back to being numb. It's truly terrible when you feel like crying, want to cry, and just can't. Feels like nothing is resolved or let out, no matter how much you talk, or who you talk to. I really at this point don't know why I ever let my motto become "Through adversity to the stars," because adversity has kicked me down into the dirt and is pinning me there. I don't know what to do.
Femmeworth
Banned
But she's right. All I do is take. I'm not ready for a relationship.
Then, she doesn't deserve you. Give yourself some time to recover, then go out there and find the girl that'll actually care about you. 'Cause she is out there, I'm sure.
It's nice that you want to take my side, but you don't know the whole story.
- Status