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While googling some random third rate actor (because he's mentioned in the Sports Guys latest All-Star Game column) I realize I'm thinking of the wrong guy entirely. The Tony Todd that Sports Guy is talking about isn't the Candyman dude, but some nobody who had a few bit parts. Ok great, the column makes sense now because I couldn't believe Simmons was dissing the guy who played Candyman and Scary Voiced Badguy in about a thousand great action flicks as a nobody.

Then I make the mistake of trying to find a pic of the guy to see if I recognize him but imdb has nothing on him, and sure enough google image search gives me *two* naked guys snapping one off on the first page, to go along with another naked guy just standing there. Thank god there was no one around to see and wonder wth I'm doing. I've made the "google image searching for a random word that in hindsight could also be a slutty chicks webcam name" mistake at work with ppl around before and everyone understands... but you can only have so many naked dude's getting their stroke on onscreen at once before ppl start to assume it wasn't an accident.

Anyway, some highlights from Sports Guys latest:

On Sunday afternoon, I infiltrated the Celebrity Softball Game at Minute Maid Park. Nobody enjoys these events more than me. It's not possible. Seeing legends like Goose Gossage, Fernando Valenzuela and Dave Winfield share a field with Nick Lachey, Miss USA and the guy who won "The Apprentice" ... I mean, what's better than that?

....

I spent the entire afternoon tagging along behind the scenes like Bob Woodward, roping people into dumb conversations, soaking in the weirdness, jotting down everything I overheard. Modine was the No. 1 target. The guy played Louden Swain, for God's sake. He seemed like a nice enough guy, so my buddy Sal and I ended up making small-talk with him, eventually leading to Sal (a former high-school wrestler) getting him into an arm bar as I snapped digital pictures. I wish I was making this up. We also broke the news to Modine that "Vision Quest" didn't crack ESPN25's "Top 25 Sports Movies of the Last 25 Years" list. He was genuinely perplexed, especially after we told him that "Finding Forrester" and "Cobb" made the cut.

"That's unbelievable," Modine finally said, shaking his head.

Talk about a lunatic fringe. Poor Modine was rattled for the rest of the day, self-destructing in the game with a "Jose Offerman in the late-'80s"-caliber performance at shortstop -- 0-for-2, four errors and the runaway winner of the Coolio Memorial MDP Award ("Most Disappointing Player").

Other than Nick Lachey, the Apprentice Guy and Detroit basher Jimmy Kimmel, Modine was probably the most recognizable celeb in the game (and he's knee-deep into the "Starring in TNT movies" phase of his career). I'm not sure why the turnout isn't better. Even though Monday night's Celeb Game/HR Derby combo routinely grabs some of ESPN's biggest ratings of the year (always in the 2.5/2.6 range), we were stuck with people like Tony Todd (of "Little Big League," which came out when I was in college) and Charlie Maher (best known for being REJECTED in the first "Bachelorette"). You're telling me Jesse Palmer was busy? That Ian Ziering and Brian Austin Green had other plans? That the Hilton Sisters couldn't have hopped in a private jet, brought along a carton of Marlboro Lights and stumbled through an inning or two? Please.

Maybe nothing compared to the "West Wing" guys frantically throwing grounders to one another in Milwaukee in 2002, but there were still some highlights this time around. I enjoyed Miss USA more than anyone else. She was trailed by her publicists all afternoon, exuding one of those "What would give me a better chance of landing in US Weekly, making out with Charlie, or making out with the Apprentice Guy?" vibes. Now here's someone who was exploring the full potential of the afternoon. Unfortunately, she had no idea how to swing a baseball bat, mentioning to her publicist in the batting cage, "I really want to get to a base, but I can't until I have contact." The last time those words were said, Cesar Crespo was involved.

I also enjoyed Nick Lachey, who's enjoying his final few months of freedom before he strangles his wife and gets the death penalty from Governor Schwarzenegger. I liked seeing former Astro Cesar Cedeno, who seemed confused when I told him how much I enjoyed his work in "The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training." I loved hearing Leeann Tweeden get barraged with "Hey, Lisa! Lisa Guerrero!" shouts when she stepped onto the field. I even enjoyed the Apprentice Guy, who had a "Jeez, I STILL can't believe I'm famous and my name is on a Celebrity All-Star Game jersey" glow about him. He was almost as happy to be there as Tony Todd, who had to be dragged out of the locker room two hours after the game.