• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

Are We Dating the Same Guy?

EviLore

Expansive Ellipses
Staff Member
"

He Just Doesn’t Want to Murder You​

Scores of Facebook groups called ‘Are We Dating The Same Guy’ promise sisterhood and security. But they’re a lot more like the crowd-sourced Stasi.

The screenshot, taken from dating app Hinge, shows software engineer Evan,* with thick black hair and a big, toothy smile. His profile says he is 5 feet 8 inches and graduating from Berkeley. Underneath reads a caption:

“Evan, 26 🚩🚩🚩

The way the screenshot is positioned, it looks like Evan is gazing at the red flags next to his name.

Evan’s profile had been posted anonymously on the Facebook group “Are We Dating The Same Guy? | New York City NYC”—which started in March 2022 as a place where women compare notes on men. It currently has more than 82,000 members.

In the past year, scores of similar Facebook groups have sprung up across the U.S. in cities including Charlotte, Philadelphia, Tampa, St. Louis, Boston, Chicago, Seattle, and Austin, and in far-flung locales such as Kosovo, Melbourne, and Thailand. Some have more than 30,000 members, others less than a hundred. Almost anybody can join as long as you agree to a few rules. One requirement is usually a variation of this: Do you swear that you will not screenshot or share anything found in this group with anyone outside of this group? This is vitally important to the integrity of our group and safety of our members.

There are rules against “bullying, gaslighting, shaming, victim blaming, or aggressive behavior,” too. But regardless of the Fight Club–style bylaws, the groups are pretty much a free-for-all.

The anonymous woman who posted about Evan regaled her group with stories about their four-month relationship before he dumped her.

“He struggles with empathy,” she wrote. “He also never tells you what he needs and expects you to guess what he needs.”

“He sounds like a classic love bomber to me,” opined one commenter, whose profile photo shows her posing on an Adirondack chair with a corgi.

“Borderline personality disorder,” another commenter snarked.

“This push and pull is part of the hunt if he is a covert narcissist,” said a third. “They are skilled predators and usually have had this same relationship over and over again.”

Another: “Textbook narc.”

Dozens of similar comments followed, speculating about Evan and his various pathologies.


“Are We Dating The Same Guy” is ostensibly a place where women can detect if a dude they’re seeing is also seeing someone else. Members claim their intentions are benign—righteous, even. Take this New York commenter who said, “This group is a place for women to protect and empower other women while warning each other of men who might be liars, cheaters, abusers, or exhibit any type of toxic or dangerous behavior.”

The women, sometimes posting anonymously, share identifying information about the men: screenshots from text messages and dating apps, photos, or just descriptions (“Anyone have any intel on a Korean guy named Eun whose [sic] been on hinge?”). They ask the group if there’s anything they should know: fetishes, faux pas, unbecoming track records.

And, oh, there always are.

Whenever a new photo and description goes up, women in the group are immediately alerted to the red meat, and—with him—the red flags.

Red flags, according to the New York group, include wearing rings, working in the NYPD or FDNY, being a comedian, being 5 feet 7 inches or shorter, being Parisian, not removing pictures of an ex from Instagram, removing pictures of an ex from Instagram, not liking holidays, working as a corporate lawyer, suggesting coffee or drinks instead of a sit-down dinner for a first date, and being named Jason.

One guy was accused of having “like, bad dark energy.” And the indictments turn darker still.
"
------------

More at the link. They all start believing the guys they're dating are narcissistic psychopaths due to group reinforcement delusion, and that transitions into believing their boyfriends are serial killers because of all the true crime stuff in the media lately.
 

Aesius

Member
Just as #MeToo exploded in late 2017, former New Republic editor Moira Donegan put out the Shitty Media Men list, a crowdsourced spreadsheet that cataloged the bad behavior of male journalist types, accusing them of a range of crimes from unwanted flirting to rape.
Good to know that hitting on a woman as an unattractive male gets blasted across social media just as loudly as actual rape.
 

Pejo

Member
I immediately thought of this episode


Big Cats Laugh GIF by NETFLIX


"I wish Jaden Smith was my son!"

On topic - I mean this is basically the online version of girls talking about you in high school. I'm not sure how much has changed in the dating game, but girls finding out that you're unable to be tamed or a "bad" guy kinda works to your advantage, depending on how many daddy issues they have.

Fucked up that they essentially get free roam to dox or slander guys as they see fit though.
 

Rest

All these years later I still chuckle at what a fucking moron that guy is.
How did I know when I clicked this it was going to say "empower" in there somewhere? There are whole websites devoted to this idea of tracking and rating men. I don't imagine any of them are anything but cesspools of toxic assholes established under the guise of women keeping each other "safe."

Facebook is the internet publisher of this particular one, the men slandered by it need to sue for defamation and libel.
 

IDKFA

I am Become Bilbo Baggins
Red flags, according to the New York group, include wearing rings, working in the NYPD or FDNY, being a comedian, being 5 feet 7 inches or shorter, being Parisian, not removing pictures of an ex from Instagram, removing pictures of an ex from Instagram, not liking holidays, working as a corporate lawyer, suggesting coffee or drinks instead of a sit-down dinner for a first date, and being named Jason.

This is like a Black Mirror plotline.

Tell me how this isn't harmful to men? Scores of men are going to be on a dating blacklist because of ridiculous reasons like being a native to Paris or fucking being called Jason?

Stop the world. I want to get off 😭
 

GHG

Gold Member
I didn't even know it was a crime to date multiple people unless you've expressed that you are committed to someone. The more you know.

I guess the only way to deal with it is to not use dating apps and not to share your social media links with these loonies.
 

Ownage

Member
I kinda wanna date a few of em and see what they label me
Lulz for sure, but that bs data won't go away without a court order. Better to quietly observe the chaos and quietly root for your own team. Let others get snagged in that briar patch.
 

GeekyDad

Member
Manipulative cabalistic womenchildren are destructive and a potential menace to normal people in society. If you know one you need to tell her to knock the shit off.
ace-laugh.gif


Please let me introduce you to my wife. I beg of you. She will knock yo' shit off!

But I get the idea of what's happening, However, I read the entire article and honestly, for an old timer like myself, it's hard to understand what's posted where, and what this app is and that thing is... Seems like a lot of effort to tell someone they're a cocksucker. Why not just shit talk 'em at work?
 

DeepEnigma

Gold Member
“He also never tells you what he needs and expects you to guess what he needs.”
So... a woman?

A chic, you're dating a chic.

Don't confuse a guy not telling you what he needs with your own deep rooted psychosis that has been hardwired through gifts and courtship evolution. Us "not telling you what we need," is usually because we are content and don't need to be constantly given "things" for some reassurance. Doing just the "little things" is what matters most. Let us men take care of the "taking care of" and providing what you need.

Stop complicating and trying to change the simple and natural order of things that are shown not only in humans, but animals alike.

Guys don't need much. Food, sex, loyalty and love. It really is that simple.
 
Last edited:
Eh. I think everyone has their preferences when it comes to what they expect in a partner, but this just takes it to the extreme. Behaviours like this only creates a wider divide between men and women, as if social media and dating platforms haven't already done that enough. It really does amplify our worst traits.
Despite what my name may suggest about my beliefs, men aren't exactly perfect either; and in retrospect, I seem to get along more with women than I do with men.

Social media was a mistake.
 

Gorgyles

Banned
I'm ever thankful I'm married with a kid already.
The dating hellscape is horrifying to me.

I sometimes wonder what I would do if I was single and in search of love.
The plan that dominates my mind is to stay away from dating apps and ladder-climbing women.

My friend Eric was a college basketball stud in the 90s.
He's an interesting guy and a total stud.
He met his wife 8 years ago in a yoga class.
They bonded over similar upbringings and similar hobbies.

I almost think meeting women in sports/clubs/church is the best path.
Avoid the hookup culture as much as possible.
 

AJUMP23

Parody of actual AJUMP23
Better than this one:

7DASNvY.jpg

I bet she talks about herself a lot. And it isn't very interesting.

But If she would have been around me when I was single I would have taken her to a movie, But she would have to buy the snacks because she makes more than I do. Wonder if she made it through the layoffs.
 
Last edited:

EviLore

Expansive Ellipses
Staff Member
I bet she talks about herself a lot. And it isn't very interesting.

But If she would have been around me when I was single I would have taken her to a movie, But she would have to buy the snacks because she makes more than I do. Wonder if she made it through the layoffs.
She doesn’t have two hours in her calendar for a movie for the next three months, but she can fit you in for a 30 minute jog on February 19th at 4:30am if you can keep up with her 6 minute mile.
 

AJUMP23

Parody of actual AJUMP23
She doesn’t have two hours in her calendar for a movie for the next three months, but she can fit you in for a 30 minute jog on February 19th at 4:30am if you can keep up with her 6 minute mile.
Only if I get to ride a segway or scooter next to her.
 
I'm ever thankful I'm married with a kid already.
The dating hellscape is horrifying to me.

I sometimes wonder what I would do if I was single and in search of love.
The plan that dominates my mind is to stay away from dating apps and ladder-climbing women.

My friend Eric was a college basketball stud in the 90s.
He's an interesting guy and a total stud.
He met his wife 8 years ago in a yoga class.
They bonded over similar upbringings and similar hobbies.

I almost think meeting women in sports/clubs/church is the best path.
Avoid the hookup culture as much as possible.
I agree, social media gives us an artificial landscape in which to look for and assess potential partners. Meeting someone in real life is a person's best bet if they want to meet someone.

But I highly doubt that, especially with how everyone's attached to the internet and social media, that our expectations have not already been clouded by it's unrealistic standards.
 

IntentionalPun

Ask me about my wife's perfect butthole
lol @ these groups "Taking over American cities."

Fighting drama with drama.
 
Last edited:
Top Bottom