Ashton Kutcher's Pirates

This is what we call an angry rant. A long angry rant. There is a very distinct reason why I have made it long. You will understand at the end.

The game referenced in this thread is Sid Meier's Pirates, a normally fun game. In the game, you start out as a pirate with an alligiance to one of four nations; England, France, Spain, and the Dutch. I started as English with my sole personal enemy being the French, though I eventually branched off into attacking the Spaniards, considering they have so many ports, and England declared war on Spain when I was playing yesterday.

My story begins after roughly 10 hours of play time, in the Florida Keys. I have established an England stronghold in the area through various means. It is basically the best place for me to go in the game, since the Governer gives me free ship repairs, free ship upgrades, their merchant gives me more money for goods than anywhere else, and I've wooed his daughter several times. Life is great in Florida.

Then, one pirate day after ransacking a handful of Spanish ships, I return to the Florida Keys to sell my booty. I go to the Governer's mansion to see how his daughter is doing and OH NO, she's been KIDNAPPED! This is interesting, I didn't know this happened in the game! He pleads for me to rescue her, and I tell him I will, because I gave that bitch a ruby, and rubies aren't fucking free. He tells me she's been taken to some place at the very bottom of the map, which requires me to sail a bunch west, and then east, to get around a big piece of land. But whatever, I worked hard on dancing for that woman, she's mine.

So after stocking up on food, me and my band of pirates set out to sea. Seconds after leaving the port, we're attacked by a Spanish Pirate vessel (the Spaniards friggin hate me at this point in the game). I make short work of him thanks to my big ship, and continue on west, which goes swiftly, because the wind always blows west in the game. After fighting two more Spanish ships, I anchor at a Pirate cove in order to get my ship repaired and hopefully find some more crew. In the bar (where you recruit crew), some pirate is hitting on a woman. I stand up for her, duel the pirate, win, get some shoes or something from her, and leave the town. As we reach the Western most point (the edge of the piece of land seperating the Florida Keys from the South Pacific), I'm attacked by three god damn French ships. After 2 easy fights and a final close one, I have to sail back to the pirate cove for repairs, which takes pretty long, because I'm now going against the wind. I get there, repair, and go back West. I reach the point and sail past it without trouble this time.

By now I've been playing for about 15 or 20 minutes (the ship battles can be long if you're fighting a ship that keeps it's distance). After passing the point, I head due South along a coastline, keeping an eye out for pirates (they usually have good booty). Within the next 10 minutes of my journey I fight 2 Spaniards and 1 Pirate. My ship is a little banged up, but not too bad. I alter my ship's course to go South-East, toward the direction of the woman I'm supposed to save. I'll try and condense this, as it is getting long; it takes me 10 minutes to get there, thanks to a few other fights and repairs.

So I get to the Pirate Cove she's been taken to, duel with the pirate who took her, save her, and she's off with me! Now comes the longest part of the journey, moving East. As mentioned earlier, the wind is always blowing West in the game, so moving East is about 10x slower than West. Eventually I get to the Eastern point of the land that was blocking my way. From then on it's smooth sailing back to Flor- wait a minute! A known pirate! There are 10 (or 9?) known pirates in the game (like Blackbeard for one), their ships have red flags instead of black ones. Defeating them is one of the main objectives in the game. Unforunately, this one is in a fast ship, and the fucker decides to escape to the East. So instead of a fast paced chase, it's the equivolent of 2 cars going 5 mph, zig zagging so as to make best use of the fucking wind. I finally reach him, we fight for 5 minutes, I win.

After that, it's straight to Florida, my crew is restless, my ships are torn up, I need to- Jesus Christ, ANOTHER known pirate! 10 minutes of chasing and battling, I've downed another. This has been a productive trip! After repairing my ships at a pirate cove, I head North West, directly to the Florida Keys. I change from the isometric view to the straight forward one and use my telescope.. I can see it! It's taken pretty much an hour to save this one fucking girl, but I did it. I did it. We're about 5 on screen inches away from the port when- hmm, what's that? A large Spanish warship is ahead of us coming from the West. I suppose I could take down one more large ship before I dock and reap my rewards. So I try to cut him off, but I can't, as he's too far North. He's heading for Florida Keys. He's heading.. he's...

The large Spanish warship sails into the port, literally a few inches ahead of me. A game notice pops up on the lower part of the screen reading; "SPANISH FORCES HAVE CAPTURED THE FLORIDA KEYS". The England flag is suddenly replaced with a yellow one from Spain. The previously docile port cannons start firing on me. No. This isn't right. I sail into the port, and am told that I'll have to sneak in or fight my way in. So I fight. My pirates easily wipe out the Spanish forces. I get into town and appoint an English governer. The town which was once the most wealthy and prosperous in the game is now meager. I go to the governer's mansion.. it's a new governer. He introduces me to his homely daughter. The woman I spent an hour rescuing is magically gone, as is her father, as is the bustling city which would once give me 35 gold pieces per luxury item... the city which now gives me 8.

I literally sailed around the entire carribean for an hour for nothing.

Fuck you Sid.
 
Sorry to hear that but atleast it resulted in an entertaining story.

It reminds me of what happens every day in Miami, damn you Florida Keys.
 
But if the governor got killed by the Spanish, how would the new guy know about the girl you saved?

That is a tough series of events, but bagging the known pirates nets you more notoriety when you retire, at least :)
 
Hmm, load from a relatively-recent save point and try to get to Florida a bit sooner? If you don't keep multiple saves, well now you know why it's a good idea to do so.
 
bjork said:
But if the governor got killed by the Spanish, how would the new guy know about the girl you saved?
_1829944_webrage300.jpg


HE DIDN'T!

The new guy was all, "Oh, that woman you spent an hour saving? She doesn't exist because that little boat sailed into the city icon. But instead of having a beautiful woman whom you've danced with 4 times, spent thousands on jewelry, whose husband you fought, and spent god damn YEARS (game time) saving, you can go through the whole process again with my admittedly average daughter!!"
 
Ugh, I feel your pain.

Played it a lot myself recently and for all that work to go down the drain must really suck. It's not easy catching those small bastardly boats that play keep away...


I assume you had to split the booty afterwards to avoid a mutiny as well?
 
Well to be honest, "Turns out the spanish killed everyone except my beautiful english wife" doesnt really sound right either.

I agree though the marriage quest is a total pain in the ass for very little reward, as are a lot of the quests actually. Pirates is a nice throw back to a simpler time, but it definitely showed me why the industry moved away from the open ended, often monotonous games and into more varied linear experiences.
 
Ghost said:
Well to be honest, "Turns out the spanish killed everyone except my beautiful english wife" doesnt really sound right either.
SHE WAS ON MY BOAT I RESCUED HER SHE WAS ON MY BOAT WHEN THEY RANSACKED THE TOWN SHE WAS ON MY BOAT

HELL THE SPANIARDS PROBABLY KILLED HER HUSBAND

DSFHJKLDSHFLJKSF;oih3qophjfwaouh 98
 
Judging by the amount of time it took you to get to her & get her 'home' - my guess is that she died of old age on the way back. :P

And damn it, sailing East in this game is as painful as I remember it.
 
Oh i see, i should probably read your bloody long post, but i have work in 2 hours....


In that case you probably threw her orphan ass over board when you found out she wasnt the daughter of a governor anymore.

Either that or you took so long rescuing her she developed stockholm syndrome and killed herself when you murdered her beloved captor.
 
Your angry rant sounds like a good time. The end result does not, though. :(

You know what they say, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife."
 
You know something? I think this marks the first time I have ever seen MikeWorks post something about gaming since I've been here.

This is a milestone for me ;_;
 
speaking of pirates, this art rocks

old_pirate.jpg


In the game, you start out as a pirate with an alligiance to one of four nations; England, France, Spain, and the Dutch.
hey cool, i have dutch heritage. go the dutch!
 
Man, your problem is your using a large ship. Make a Royal sloop your flagship and then acquire a fleet of sloops to hold your cargo. At one point I had a fleet of 6 sloops of war this weekend, going east isn't so bad with the little ships.

I had a town change hands on me too, once I took it back I went searching for immigrants from missions to ferry back to the town, before too long it was a huge booming city again with over 500 troops. At that point no one else was going to take it ever again. :)
 
Dude that governer's daughter saw everyone she ever loved in the only home she'd ever known MASSACRED in front of her eyes. Even if she didn't commit suicide she'd gone from a noble lady to penniless destitute baggae. Like any good pirate you probably sold her off along with the rest of the cargo in your ship. Probably as a luxury item to the nearest upscale brothel.
 
which requires me to sail a bunch west, and then east, to get around a big piece of land.

I'm no navigator, but those directions sound pretty shitty.
 
So factoring in this misadventure, what's your review of the game? Thumbs up?

I've been thinking about buying it...
 
Mike said:
So factoring in this misadventure, what's your review of the game? Thumbs up?

I've been thinking about buying it...
It's one of those games that you think about/want to play when you're not able to, and when you are playing it, you wonder why you're spending so much time playing and enjoying such a simplistic and repetative game that is basically comprised of 5 mini games.

I'd definitely pick it up for $30 - $40. Might not be worth $50 to you, but I've enjoyed it a lot. I just needed a break from shooting shit with guns, considering the last three games I've played a lot have been GTA:SA, Halo 2, and Ghost Recon 2.
 
"What's mine say?"

"Yarrrr, what's mine say?!"

"Matey, what's mine say?!"


"Yarrr, what's m....."
 
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