Support NeoGAF

[Matlock]

Disclaimer: Dr. Matlock is not an actual Doctor.

 

[Socreges]

But I suspect you at least have considerable experience, warranting such a thread?

 

[Crispy]

Dear Doctor Matlock, do you know of a way to prevent 'stuff' from getting into my navel? Every day it's clogged up with all kinds of smelly 'stuff'. I just can't take it anymore, please help me.

 

[Boogie]

Dear Dr. Matlock:

How do I get teh womenz?

...

Oh, wait. Nevermind.

 

[Matlock]

Dear Dr. Matlock:

How do I get teh womenz?

...

Oh, wait. Nevermind.

Have fun while it lasts, duder.

Dear Doctor Matlock, do you know of a way to prevent 'stuff' from getting into my navel? Every day it's clogged up with all kinds of smelly 'stuff'. I just can't take it anymore, please help me.

Put a piece of scotch tape over it, or stop wearing sweatshirts.

 

[White Man]

In a post-apocalyptic world, you must lead the drive to repopulate the planet. At your disposal, you have two females suitable for breeding purposes. They are:

Grace Jones, circa the cocaine years

or

Courney Love, circa the Taco Bell years

Also, all cultural literature of importance has been destroyed. You have been tasked with creating a new religion that reminds your currently demoralized people of an idealistc past in the hopes of inspiring them to work diligently towards a brighter future. Looking at the source material that's survived ffrom what you are about to paint as a 'Golden Age,' you decide that your new bible and mythology will be based around one of the following two movies. Which will it be?

or

 

[fennec fox]

How long can a man keep a boner going if he really wants it?

 

[Inumaru]

In a post-apocalyptic world, you must lead the drive to repopulate the planet. At your disposal, you have two females suitable for breeding purposes. They are:


Grace Jones, circa the cocaine years

or

Courney Love, circa the Taco Bell years

Also, all cultural literature of importance has been destroyed. You have been tasked with creating a new religion that reminds your currently demoralized people of an idealistc past in the hopes of inspiring them to work diligently towards a brighter future. Looking at the source material that's survived ffrom what you are about to paint as a 'Golden Age,' you decide that your new bible and mythology will be based around one of the following two movies. Which will it be?

or

:lol :lol :lol :lol :lol

Christ, I almost shit myself from laughing so hard. That is some good stuff. Did you just make that up? What is wrong with you? :lol

 

[Dilbert]

I've only dated one girl who could get me off with oral sex...and it's not the current girl.

How would you handle the situation? Here are my options so far:

1) Casually mention over dinner that I miss being in prison because my cellmate knew how to use his hands at the same time

2) Find my ex-girlfriend's number and see what she's doing this weekend

3) Arrange for her to "accidentally" see me "playing" with the vacuum cleaner

4) Get used to a life without oral pleasure

 

[Matlock]

Verbose post.

Even though this isn't an "ask Matlock" thing, per se, I'll entertain your questioning.

1. I'd let the planet die.
2. Napoleon Dynamite--at least some of my followers will be dumb enough to like it.

How long can a man keep a boner going if he really wants it?

As long as he wants--however, four hours or more can cause tissue damage!

 

[Dilbert]

:lol :lol :lol :lol

White Man, you absolutely RULE!

 

[Matlock]

2) Find my ex-girlfriend's number and see what she's doing this weekend

This would be my decision. However, this needs to be a learning experience--bring your current girlfriend in to observe and learn the techniques therein.

 

[Dilbert]

This would be my decision. However, this needs to be a learning experience--bring your current girlfriend in to observe and learn the techniques therein.

Do I let her ask questions, or make her be perfectly silent so as not to disturb my concentration?

 

[Vennt]

Dear Dr Matlock:

How do I fight off women & politely say "No" without breaking their hearts into millions of pieces?

Saying no is hard enough, but watching their lives being shattered right in front of me tears my heart apart.

Yours,

Vennt.

 

[Inumaru]

Even though this isn't an "ask Matlock" thing, per se, I'll entertain your questioning.

1. I'd let the planet die.
2. Napoleon Dynamite--at least some of my followers will be dumb enough to like it.




As long as he wants--however, four hours or more can cause tissue damage!

Damn, this Matlock guy is pretty good!

Maybe I'll ask that question about corn niblet prevention and anal after a few more drinks.

 

[Matlock]

Dear Dr Matlock:

How do I fight off women & politely say "No" without breaking their hearts into millions of pieces?

Saying no is hard enough, but watching their lives being shattered right in front of me tears my heart apart.

Yours,

Vennt.

Stare a bit lower so you don't see their faces. Also: wear really dark sunglasses.

Do I let her ask questions, or make her be perfectly silent so as not to disturb my concentration?

It's important to keep up an open line of communication in any type of education.

Damn, this Matlock guy is pretty good!

Maybe I'll ask that question about corn niblet prevention and anal after a few more drinks.

Some times you don't have to go in the back door.

 

[Matlock]

Dr. Phil, eh? I guess I'll have to take second fiddle to CVXFREAK my entire life, then.

 

[Jak140]

Dear Dr. Matlock

For the love of god, why do they rerun your crappy TV show 5 times a day?
...


Also, where do I put my penis?

 

[APerfectCircle]

Dear Dr matlock
if 2 people are too shy to make the first move, how the fuck will it happen?
signed ... pimply sexually frustrated teenager.

 

[Matlock]

Dear Dr. Matlock

For the love of god, why do they rerun your crappy TV show 5 times a day?
...


Also, where do I put my penis?

First question: Syndication is like that. I do my lousy job, they run it into the ground. However, it pays for the spinning rims on my Chevy Celebrity.

Second question: For right now, put it back into your pants.

Dear Dr matlock
if 2 people are too shy to make the first move, how the fuck will it happen?
signed ... pimply sexually frustrated teenager.

It won't. Ever.

As an addendum: wow, a pimply virgin with "APerfectCircle" as a username. Shock, awe!

 

[Matlock]

Seriously though: stop listening to Maynard, take a shower, put on clothes that aren't black, and just talk to girls. It's not that hard!

 

[Future Trunks]

Dr. Matlock, I want to be a superhero, but I'm feeling more like a supervillain...what should I do? Should I embrace the darkside? Serve the populace? Which would I be better at? I'm torn.

Signed,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Future Trunks aka The Future Ruler of the Cosmos

 

[APerfectCircle]

As an addendum: wow, a pimply virgin with "APerfectCircle" as a username. Shock, awe!

I'm not pimply im not gunna comment on the other issue Dr phill so would of given me better advice.

 

[Matlock]

Dr. Matlock, I want to be a superhero, but I'm feeling more like a supervillain...what should I do? Should I embrace the darkside? Serve the populace? Which would I be better at? I'm torn.

Signed,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Future Trunks aka The Future Ruler of the Cosmos

You could straddle the line, much like insert marvel character here. It's fun, you get to bang some chicks, and in the end...everyone loves you!

Well, except Cyclops.

I'm not pimply im not gunna comment on the other issue Dr phill so would of given me better advice.

Yes, but he's bald.

 

[White Man]

Alright, here you go. A real question.

My hair is black, but my facial hair is blond. What's up with that?

 

[Escape Goat]

Dr Matlock,

Sometimes I look at other boys in gym class when we're showering. Am I gay?

 

[B'z-chan]

Dr Matlock,

why the hell is it that i got this fucking pain in my ass all the damn time. I mean litterally i got some nerve damage in my ass or something.

Also what is the best way to release "extra air" in public without smell.

 

[Matlock]

Alright, here you go. A real question.

My hair is black, but my facial hair is blond. What's up with that?

No idea, but get a partner who is redheaded immediately. Your face will then look like a box of neopolitan.

Dr Matlock,

Sometimes I look at other boys in gym class when we're showering. Am I gay?

It's natural to be curious, but yes, you're gay.

Dr Matlock,

why the hell is it that i got this fucking pain in my ass all the damn time. I mean litterally i got some nerve damage in my ass or something.

Also what is the best way to release "extra air" in public without smell.

The pain in your ass is caused by your wallet. Take out your wallet and use a money clip instead.

As for passing gas, don't lean beforehand.

 

[Matlock]

Sadly, even Dr. Matlock cannot cure his own insomnia.

 

[B'z-chan]

DR B'z-chan in the house i recomend the following.

Warm milk, cookies, and a sleeping pill.

if this does not work. Continue to hit head on hard blunt object till you pass out, repeat for desired effect.

 

[Tarazet]

I put my dignity on the line and lost it all! How can I ever repay you, Dr. Matlock?

 

[Matlock]

Sonarrat: I prescribe that you get that fucking furry out of my thread.

 

[aoi tsuki]

How long can a man keep a boner going if he really wants it?

Four days. But you've got to really want it. So bad you can taste it. Can you taste it?!

 

[Matlock]

Four days. But you've got to really want it. So bad you can taste it. Can you taste it?!

Inaccurate: priapism disagrees.

Also: this guide may help the RPG players on the forum, although they may need more help afterwards.

 

[NLB2]

How can I have multiple orgasms?
Thanks in advance, doc.

 

[Matlock]

How can I have multiple orgasms?
Thanks in advance, doc.

Are you a woman? If not, don't even try.

 

[Alucard]

How do I go from being a 1 minute man to a 5 minute super lover?

 

[Matlock]

If five minutes is your lofty goal, double bag your trusty pole.

 

[Matlock]

I put my dignity on the line and lost it all! How can I ever repay you, Dr. Matlock?

You can repay me by never posting furries ever again.

 

[White Man]

How do I properly go about gaining weight while simultaneously building my strength? Can you really only do one at a time?

 

[Matlock]

How do I properly go about gaining weight while simultaneously building my strength? Can you really only do one at a time?

Protein. Protein. Protein.

Did I mention protein?

 

[Jak140]

Protein. Protein. Protein.

Did I mention protein?

So are you implying that he should blow you?

 

[Matlock]

No, I'm implying that he should eat meat, eggs, something that has protein in it.

As for you, you seem to have some issues young man.

 

[fart]

Dear Dr. Matlock,

Why is Matlock such a fag?

Best regards,
Fart

 

[Matlock]

Dear Dr. Matlock,

Why is Matlock such a fag?

Best regards,
Fart

We see others as we think they reflect on ourselves.

 

[Scrow]

Dear Dr. Matlock,

Which is the more suitable picture for this thread? This one?

OR

this old classic we know and love?

 

[Matlock]

My lovely medical assistant will have to field this one.

"I'm sorry, but you've come here for help, nay attention. Who is craving attention now, sir?"

 

[B'z-chan]

I need to know why the fuck my ears smell even thought i clean the shit out of them all the time. My ears still stink all the freaking time. I use lava on my ears its getting so bad. Dr Matlock you got a suggestion?

 

[Matlock]

No advice, actually, but I'll have to take you in for observation--whyever your ears smell--or how you can smell your ears--is beyond me.

 

[BuddyC]

Why is it that the night I decide to come home and get shit done is when all this bullshit drama unfolds?