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[DMczaf]

Yup this is 3 years old, but it's damn funny so it deserves a new thread on neo-GAF!

http://espn.go.com/page2/movies/s/simmons/020830.html

Billy Zabka's watershed performance as the villainous Johnny Lawrence (Daniel-San's nemesis and the head of the Cobra Kai), which launched his much-lauded career as the definitive '80s movie villain. In my opinion, he has entered that rare group of actors who only need to go by one name: Eastwood, Stallone, Hanks, Cruise, Nicholson ... and Zabka.

Miyagi teaching Daniel-San karate by forcing him to perform household chores like painting fences, sanding floors and waxing cars. That always killed me. Daniel-San somehow learns karate from all of this, while Miyagi gets his house remodeled. Only in Hollywood.

Miyagi's surreal ability to "massage" any injured part of the body and bring it back to life. I don't even have a joke here.

Me: "Hey, I was wondering if you guys had "Karate Kid II" in?"

Guy: (Dead silence)

Me: "You know, the sequel to 'Karate Kid'?"

Guy (a little frightened): "Um, yeah, we do."

Me: "Great, I'm coming down right now to pick it up."

Guy (picking up his other phone to alert local police): "Sure."

Maybe the only enjoyable twist was the birth of the Ralph Macchio Face -- scene after scene of people threatening either him or Miyagi in Japanese, while Macchio squints his eyes, lurches his body forward and opens his mouth in disbelief. He's so annoying that, right around the middle of the movie, you turn against him and start openly rooting for the JZ to kill him. And hey, it almost happens.

Fortunately, if there was a Hall of Fame for "Enjoyably Bad Movies," "KKIII" would probably have its own wing. Ralph Macchio returns as the college-age Daniel, which would have been fine except for the fact that he weighs about 200 pounds, he's at least 35 years old, and he has suddenly and inexplicably developed a Charles Barkley-sized rear end. Just the sight of him wearing jeans is enough to crack up an entire room. I've seen it happen.

Why did The Rich Guy devote weeks of his life to destroying Daniel-San and Mr. Miyagi? Didn't he have anything more important on his plate than bringing down a teenage karate champion? Was he saying to himself, "You know, I feel pretty good about my stock holdings this month. ... I think I'll take some time off and browbeat an 18-year-old kid"? We might never know.

Why in God's name was Daniel-San still hanging out with Mr. Miyagi? How come he couldn't make any friends that were within 45 years of his own age? In one scene, he kicks off a date by bringing the girl over to meet Mr. Miyagi, essentially saying, "Hey, instead of going out, let's go meet my 85-year-old Japanese buddy, Mr. Miyagi. He's weird, he talks in grunts and his first name is 'Mister.' You'll love this guy!"

What was he thinking? Seriously, what was he thinking? Was there a bigger loser in the history of Hollywood lead characters than Daniel-San? And does this explain why so many people went out of their way to antagonize him? Do you realize that, in the span of 12 months, this kid was terrorized by three different groups of people in two different countries. What were the odds? Couldn't this kid catch a break? Was he really that bad?

That reminds me, when you're watching this movie with buddies and pulling the "Mystery Science Theater" routine, remember this tip: Every time Daniel-San and Mr. Miyagi have a scene together, crack jokes in the Miyagi voice like, "Daniel-San, take off your shirt, Miyagi show you special massage trick."

(Guaranteed laughs for the entire room. It gets contagious. Pretty soon, everyone will be narrating things like "You know, Daniel-San, you built a little like Miyagi's first wife." Never gets old. I'm tellin' you, everyone will think you're a comedic genius. Just trust me on this.)

Finally, why didn't the "KKIII" writers think up a better ending? They should have gone with a WWF-style twist for the final 20 minutes: First, The Rich Guy buys off Miyagi, only Daniel-San doesn't know about it. Before the finals of the All-Valley Tournament, The Rich Guy shows up with John Creese and his new girlfriend ... Elisabeth Shue, who's all over him as a stunned Daniel-San looks on (making the Ralph Macchio Face).

Then, just when Daniel-San starts winning the final match, Miyagi comes flying in and hits him the head with a bonsai tree, causing him to lose the title and selling him out in the process. And the movie wraps up with Miyagi, Creese, the Rich Guy and Shue celebrating over Daniel-San's battered body as the crowd collectively laughs at him, followed by Daniel-San going into the shower and hanging himself. The end. A fitting finale to the trilogy.

:lol :lol :lol :lol

 

[Loki]

Yeah, that was a great column. :lol And KK1 was the shit, too; I also have a soft-spot for part two, but I get lots of flak for it.


Did you guys know that both KK1 and 2 were huge box office draws back in the day? I didn't know that until a few months ago; I always assumed they were just movies that became cult classics after they came out on video, like so many 80's flicks. The original did about $200M at the box office in 1984 dollars, which would be about $350M today, and the sequel did $185M or so in 1987 dollars (~$320M today). Crazy.

 

[shuri]

I'm sorry, but the Karate Kid isnt that terrible. The third one was not all that great, but trashing the karate kid trilogy is unjustified. It might be a bit cheesy, but its a classic of the '80. And the whole 'how come Daniel is hanging out with Mr Miyagi all the time' thing is that Daniel never really had a father, and he sees Miyagi as some sort of father figure since he gave him a lot of self-confidence and helped him out. Miyagi just took him under his wings when he was young and all that.

I always watch the KK movies when they're on

 

[Loki]

I'm sure he loves the movie as much as the rest of us (sane people) do, he's just pointing out some odd/funny parts, of which there are many. Just because you rag on some aspects of a movie doesn't mean you don't love it.

 

[AstroLad]

I'm sure he loves the movie as much as the rest of us (sane people) do, he's just pointing out some odd/funny parts, of which there are many. Just because you rag on some aspects of a movie doesn't mean you don't love it.

Yeah, if you read the article he really likes Part I, e.g....

The Crane Kick. 'Nuff said. Remember my riff in the "Hoosiers" column about the greatest ideas in sports movie history? Doesn't the Crane Kick rank right up there? Of course it does. Perfect ending, splendid movie, and one of the best 15 sports flicks ever

As for II and III, let's face it they were pretty mediocre, especially compared to I.

 

[shuri]

Daniel's japanese girlfriend was pretty hot!

 

[Biff Hardbody]

I love the Karate Kid 1 and 3. Mike Barnes was that guys name right? I love that movie, especially when Miyagi whups the new evil karate teachers ass.

First of all the editing sucked, some scenes Daniel (Ralph Macchio) looked fat and other scenes he looked slim, and other scenes there after he looked like he was GETTING fat. His jeans were ridiculously tight in some scenes.

:lol :lol :lol

 

[Loki]

Fortunately, if there was a Hall of Fame for "Enjoyably Bad Movies," "KKIII" would probably have its own wing. Ralph Macchio returns as the college-age Daniel, which would have been fine except for the fact that he weighs about 200 pounds, he's at least 35 years old, and he has suddenly and inexplicably developed a Charles Barkley-sized rear end. Just the sight of him wearing jeans is enough to crack up an entire room. I've seen it happen.

:lol