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[Dilbert]

On my way into work this morning, the local morning radio program (the Kevin and Bean Show on 106.7 KROQ) was talking about the "right" way to handle cheating. (The topic apparently came up because of a recent episode of "Entourage" -- I haven't seen the show, but they played some clips as a prelude to the segment.)

The question was basically this: If you are involved in a serious relationship (married, engaged, exclusively dating), and you commit ONE indiscretion (one-night stand, "lost weekend," hooking up with an ex, etc.), should you tell your partner or not?

The basic positions on this question are pretty obvious: Is honesty really the best policy, or is the best way of staying with someone you care about to keep the secret and not do it again? I'd be curious to hear your opinions...or, if you're brave enough, actual stories.

 

[Rlan]

Controlling your wang activities for a day would be the optimum choice.

 

[Escape Goat]

Tell them. Or if you're a coward then don't but eventually it'll probably come out and then I hope noone has sympathy for you.

 

[Mama Smurf]

You know, I've never actually cheated, but I have lied to girlfriends and people close to me about pretty major things in the past. I guess it's kind of a similar situation, as it really eats at me sometimes, especially if I dwell on it, and then I want to tell them.

I hold back though. I suppose morally I should tell them the truth, but it's NOT going to help them at all and not knowing certainly isn't hurting them, so the only person I'd be helping is myself as I try to get rid of the guilt.

I suspect I'd feel the same way if I cheated and it really was a one off thing that I'd never do again. Doubt the guilt would ever go away though.

 

[Incognito]

I told my last girl interest, and shortly thereafter all hopes of a relationship were down the drain. My campaign to have her back is slowly getting warmer, though!

btw, Entourage rocks!

 

[blahness]

The basic positions on this question are pretty obvious: Is honesty really the best policy, or is the best way of staying with someone you care about to keep the secret and not do it again? I'd be curious to hear your opinions...or, if you're brave enough, actual stories.

if you care the person, you wouldnt do it in the first place

 

[heavy liquid]

Never letting it happen in the first place is the obvious answer. If someone is cheating, then there's something wrong in them or the relationship which would lead them to do this.

The only reason to tell the other person would be to relieve your own guilt, or to subconciously punish your significant other for something (see what happens when you don't pay enough attention to me", etc.).

If the person is truly remorseful, then it will never happen again, and they should never ever tell the other person. It will only hurt them and break the foundation of trust which will never truly be repaired.

 

[Koshiba]

I agree with the whole, you shouldn't do it in the first place if you really care about them.

Honesty would be the best way to go though. I've been cheated on plenty of times in the past but it really doesn't seem to work out after the other person cheats, I guess it could be different for some people though.

I dunno, I'm strongly against cheating while in a serious relationship. I'm just really totally against it. But that's me. I think it's wrong and that if you really do seriously care about the person you're with, you'd be able to prevent cheating from happening. :/

 

[Dilbert]

I think everyone can agree that not cheating in the first place is the right thing to do if you're with someone you care about. However, people DO make mistakes, and the comments so far have all pretty much said the same thing: Being honest usually means that the relationship is going to be over.

So does that seem right to you? You make one stupid mistake, and your punishment is to lose everything? Isn't living with the guilt bad enough?

 

[Baconäger]

Kevin and Bean stink.

 

[Doth Togo]

THE mystery of the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston (above) breakup has been solved. If we were playing Clue, it was Miss Jolie in the bedroom with her killer bod. But Aniston has finally broken her silence on the love triangle to the brilliant Leslie Bennetts, who will write up the interview for Vanity Fair. Contrary to early speculation, "She told Bennetts she did want babies with Brad, and that starting a family wasn't the issue," one source told PAGE SIX. "The issue was Brad cheated . . . and she is appalled by the 'family photos' coming out in W." Brad and Angelina posed with pretend kids as one big happy family in the upcoming monthly.

http://www.nypost.com/gossip/25080.htm

 

[Zaptruder]

On a practical level, if you don't tell, she unlikely to know.

If you do tell, she's unlikely to exclaim, "Oh, thanks for been so honest with me! Lets have some make up sex! I'll sex you up so good it'll guarantee you'll never look at another woman!"

More to the point, she'll dump your sorry ass, and the real trade off would be; guilt, keep relationship, or less guilt/some moral assuagement, lose relationship.

 

[bishoptl]

If someone is cheating, then there's something wrong in them or the relationship which would lead them to do this.

Yep.

It will only hurt them and break the foundation of trust which will never truly be repaired.

My immediate argument is that the foundation has already been broken. Just because the other party isn't aware doesn't mean that things have fundamentally changed. If you do, 'fess up and be prepared for the consequences, shitty as it may be. Hiding the truth just makes things worse, and no matter how slick you may think you are, the truth does have a habit of squirrelling out at the most inopportune moment. I've seen it happen.

Be sure your sin will find you out.

 

[olimario]

I try to think if I would want to be told or not. If my wife did it once and never wanted to do it again, I probly wouldn't want to be told. If it was a common thing, though, then I would expect to be informed about it.

 

[BojTrek]

I would never do it... I would not want to lose my best-friend, my time with our daughter and baby #2 (due July 7th.), the house, the life...

But if I did cheat, I would tell her... it is not fair that she thinks she is with someone who only loves and wants to be with her...

We have both discussed it... even if we kissed another person, we are finished!

Why ruin something that is great?

 

[Koshiba]

I think everyone can agree that not cheating in the first place is the right thing to do if you're with someone you care about. However, people DO make mistakes, and the comments so far have all pretty much said the same thing: Being honest usually means that the relationship is going to be over.

So does that seem right to you? You make one stupid mistake, and your punishment is to lose everything? Isn't living with the guilt bad enough?

I was once with a guy and I gave him another chance after cheating on me, he just kept doing it again and again. So personally, I probably wouldn't give another guy a chance again after something like that because I've had bad experiences in it.

But really, it depends on the person and the relationship you have with that person on whether or not you think it would be over or if you could work through it. In some cases, people's trust gets completely broken. But then it's like.. well, it wouldn't have worked out anyway obviously.

If you tell the truth, it's more likely that things can be worked out. If the person finds it out for themselves, that really destroys all the trust. Honesty and trust are important things in relationships. It's not a sure thing it'll be over. Sometimes it's possible to work through it.

 

[karasu]

Simply caring about someone isn't a cure all to all of the possible bad decisions a person can make. You can love someone and be a shitbag at the same time, the two aren't mutually exclusive. I think you should tell the truith though, whether it's one time or five. If getting away with a transgression washes away the need for honesty, what is the point of honesty altogether?

 

[Pellham]

its pretty clear that if you cheat, never say anything about it. if it comes back to bite you, well that was karma, but at least you enjoyed your relationship longer than you would have if you told your significant other.

 

[Ignatz Mouse]

Tell.

Cheating is one thing, living with a lie is just one more thing, and probably more harmful to trust in the long run.

 

[tedtropy]

Put yourself in the opposite situation. If you knew your girl had a "one-night mistake" with a guy, could you ever honestly get over that? How could she not feel like used goods as pertaining to long-term relationship? Like it or not, that taint will always remain on the relationship and will likely change the nature of it irrevocably.

If I was enough of an asshole to cheat in the first place, then I'd imagine I would only stay true to those asshole ways and not tell, only to have it eventually revealed and likely ruin the relationship anyways. Mistakes happen, but give me a break, you're quite aware of what you're doing when cheating. It's not as though "whoops, my penis inadvertently slipped into her fun slot". It's a conscious betrayal of the relationship.

 

[brooklyngooner]

There are any number of reasons someone might cheat. Saying "If you loved someone you'd never do it in the first place" is reassuringly simple but not practical. People don't cheat simply because they're somehow depraved sex-craved maniacs.

In terms of telling, I'd want to know. Mostly because I'd want to know if the indiscretion meant something was seriously wrong with the relationship, which would be a likely reason. Likewise were I the one doing the cheating, I would need to think long and hard as to the reasons. If it were just a fling, I'd need to ask myself whether I was prepared to be in something long-term after all. Were it something more, I'd need to examine those feelings too.

In addition, in this day and age it is possible to put someone's health at risk.

So my feeling is yes, you should always tell. To me it seems somehow selfish to decide on both behalves what's best for the relationship (witholding something).

 

[Ignatz Mouse]

One reason tell is so that you can address whatever undeylying issue led to the cheating in the first place.

 

[Slo]

If my wife had a one time, one night stand and the behavior was honestly never going to be repeated again....basically if it was a genuine mistake, then I don't think I'd want to know about it. It would crush me. It'd destroy my world. I wouldn't be able to forgive her, and I'd think about it all the time. It'd eat at me. Our relationship would be over and it would crush my kids, and destroy their family.

If on the other hand, she was chronically screwing around, if she was having a relationship with someone else, or even if it was just a single one night stand from which she felt no guilt and no remorse, then absolutely I'd want to know about it. Nobody deserves to be unwitting fool to a slutty wife.

 

[Phoenix]

If you've done it and it was truly an isolated act and you are actually going to go out of your way to make sure it never happens again, that you're never in a position that it would happen again - then you should just keep quiet. I'm not of the opinion that sharing that one slip will do anyone any good.

 

[pollo]

one things for sure, once you get cheated on you never trust the opposite sex (or same sex if youre gay) again.

I know I love my girlfriend and everything, but I get insecure sometimes just cause of what I went through with my last girlfriend. It sucks not being able to trust a person a 100%, because theyre only human.

But I dunno I would want my girl to tell me, but if I cheated on my girlfriend I dont know if I'd have enough balls to tell her

 

[Cauliflower of Love]

If I were to cheat, I'd probably be the one to end the relationship. Heh, I guess I'm too honorable, that or stupid. = /

 

[Mama Smurf]

I'm with the few guys who wouldn't want to be told if it was a one off thing which would truly never happen again.

 

[SickBoy]

To answer the original question, which suggests this is a single, isolated incident, I wouldn't tell nor would I want to be told (I'd hate to even be on either side of the equation, though).

The way I see it is that while it's a violation of trust, if everything else is equal afterwards, all telling does is introduce stress into the relationship. I also think that the act of telling would be more about the cheater soothing his or her guilty conscience than doing the right thing for the relationship.

 

[Laurent]

Not to tell.

 

[demon]

Jeez. How many relationships do you think go on after a cheating without the other person ever knowing? Glad I've never had to deal with that......SINGLE FO' LIFE!

 

[Leatherface]

Some of you guys need to realize that it's just another wet hole and really isn't worth destroying a relationship over.


oh god... I think I just got myself horny.

 

[Deleted member 4784]

I can say that if you really love the person, one slip up doesn't always mean that the relationship is "over" unless the person shows predisposition towards repeating that same behavior in the future. Although I can't speak for others, I can say that having been cheated on before, I did not feel anger towards the person I was involved with for very long and instead tended to blame myself for what had happened. Towards the end of accepting the infidelity, I had turned most of my hate towards the other party that was involved in the cheating, because somehow, I failed to address the fact that the person I was involved with was just as equal a party to the infidelity as the person that had tempted them. Of course, I see all of this now that the relationship is over, but at the time I was so involved with the person that I was willing to forgive their indiscretion. The more that you love a person, the more that you are willing to forgive them; that is just the power of love... or stupidity... or hormones... or whatever you want to call it.

If I were to encounter infidelity in any future relationship I was involved in, I do not know how I would handle it, because so many red flags would come up in my mind to remind me of what happened to me in that one past relationship. However, I do know that if I had to find out on my own about the cheating, I would under no circumstances be able to forgive the other person for what had happened. I'd hate to discover that not only was I cheated on, but I was also lied to; twice. However, on the other hand, I would also feel partially responsible, because to be cheated on twice would indicate that I was somehow a mitigating factor in disloyality. I think that this is another important reason as to why honesty is the important course to take in the event of infidelity, because cheating can sometimes be a symptom of the relationship that needs to be addressed. Sometimes, it actually takes three to tango.

IMO, if two people are truly committed to one another (relationship, engagement, marriage), then they won't allow themselves to be swayed by anything/anyone else in questioning that fidelity. I also don't see how anyone can cheat under the claim of love when engagement/marriage is involved. We're human, so we should be able to control ourselves. I also believe that men, as men, should have the courage to admit to their mistakes.

 

[human5892]

Put yourself in the opposite situation. If you knew your girl had a "one-night mistake" with a guy, could you ever honestly get over that? How could she not feel like used goods as pertaining to long-term relationship? Like it or not, that taint will always remain on the relationship and will likely change the nature of it irrevocably.

If I was enough of an asshole to cheat in the first place, then I'd imagine I would only stay true to those asshole ways and not tell, only to have it eventually revealed and likely ruin the relationship anyways. Mistakes happen, but give me a break, you're quite aware of what you're doing when cheating. It's not as though "whoops, my penis inadvertently slipped into her fun slot". It's a conscious betrayal of the relationship.

thumbsup.gif

 

[Kabuki Waq]

once a cheater gets caught the Trust in the relationship is gone you might as well give up right there and then. I never understood why people cheated when thye could just break up with the person they are with before going on to someone new.

Luckily i have never had to encounter any cheaters.

 

[beerbelly]

once a cheater gets caught the Trust in the relationship is gone you might as well give up right there and then.

I agree with this.

 

[Ristamar]

On my way into work this morning, the local morning radio program (the Kevin and Bean Show on 106.7 KROQ) was talking about the "right" way to handle cheating. (The topic apparently came up because of a recent episode of "Entourage" -- I haven't seen the show, but they played some clips as a prelude to the segment.)

I saw that episode last night. That shit was pretty cold.

I have to agree with most of what tedtropy stated. At the same time, a strong (and generally longstanding) relationship can sometimes withstand such a slip-up given proper reconciliation and sincere, renewed efforts to rebuild trust.

 

[evilromero]

It's pretty weak that you fucked up in the first place, but really, I would tell. But that's me personally. If my girl didn't tell me, and she could keep it without any hesitation or change, then I would not even know.

 

[Alyssa Hu$tle]

No, I don’t think one should tell. Why on earth would someone tell? Because that person feels guilty and bad for what they did, and they “can’t live with their terrible secret” so they tell their partner to make themselves feel better. In effect, they are transferring the bad feelings they have onto their partner and making them feel bad instead.

I think one is selfish for having an affair in the first place, but even more selfish by telling their partner and putting them through that heartache just so they can feel better about themselves.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to know if it was me.

 

[demon]

No, I don’t think one should tell. Why on earth would someone tell? Because that person feels guilty and bad for what they did, and they “can’t live with their terrible secret” so they tell their partner to make themselves feel better. In effect, they are transferring the bad feelings they have onto their partner and making them feel bad instead.

I think one is selfish for having an affair in the first place, but even more selfish by telling their partner and putting them through that heartache just so they can feel better about themselves.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to know if it was me.

I don't really understand this line of thinking. I mean, if there's something so fundamentally wrong with or missing in the relationship that one of the people ends up having sex with someone else, shouldn't that issue be dealt with, even if it means ending the relationship? You say you wouldn't want to know, but how far do you take that? Would you not want to know if your boyfriend (or girlfriend, this is more of question to everybody) cheated on you a bunch of times and is even still cheating on you now?

 

[Meier]

I think you tell them and hope for forgiveness. If the other person finds out on their own later, it's over for sure in most cases.

 

[karasu]

No, I don’t think one should tell. Why on earth would someone tell? Because that person feels guilty and bad for what they did, and they “can’t live with their terrible secret” so they tell their partner to make themselves feel better. In effect, they are transferring the bad feelings they have onto their partner and making them feel bad instead.

I think one is selfish for having an affair in the first place, but even more selfish by telling their partner and putting them through that heartache just so they can feel better about themselves.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to know if it was me.

Yeah I dont understand that at all. It's like saying you're fine with it as long as you don't know about it. It'll only give him incentive to do the same thing again when the relationship hits another rough spot.

 

[Alyssa Hu$tle]

I don't really understand this line of thinking. I mean, if there's something so fundamentally wrong with or missing in the relationship that one of the people ends up having sex with someone else, shouldn't that issue be dealt with, even if it means ending the relationship? You say you wouldn't want to know, but how far do you take that? Would you not want to know if your boyfriend (or girlfriend, this is more of question to everybody) cheated on you a bunch of times and is even still cheating on you now?

That was not the scenario Jinx put forward, he said ONE indiscretion. In Jinx’s scenario, I would not want to know. Sure, many people would, but I would not.

Oh and I agree whole-heartedly that the issue should be dealt with that lead to that affair. This is how I think it should be handled: The person who had the affair should really think about what they have done and why, and what was fundamentally wrong with or missing in the relationship that caused them to do what they did. And then they should take steps to work on this and sort it out so that it doesn’t happen again. They can approach their partner and say “Hey, I think we have a problem here, let’s try to work it out” rather than actually telling them they had an affair. Same result, but without making your partner feel like shit.

These are the only reasons I can think of as to why someone would tell:

1) They feel bad and it is a means of feeling better
2) They are worried their partner will find out via other means, so they figure they may have a better chance if they get in first.
3) They have picked up an STD and have a duty to tell their partner because of health concerns
4) They got someone (or themselves) pregnant as a result of their indiscretion.

For reason 3 and 4, yes, they have an obligation to tell their partner. But if it's because of a guilty conscious, then I think that person is a selfish prick.

 

[Boogie]

I also believe that men, as men, should have the courage to admit to their mistakes.

And women as well, right? ;P

 

[demon]

And women as well, right? ;P

Women have no courage. Only vaginas.

 

[Alyssa Hu$tle]

Yeah I dont understand that at all. It's like saying you're fine with it as long as you don't know about it. It'll only give him incentive to do the same thing again when the relationship hits another rough spot.

No, I wouldn't be fine with it. At all. What I am saying is I wouldn't want to know. A big reason for this is how not fine I would be about it. How would my knowing about it make it better for me? I would be hurt, angry, untrusting, insecure, a whole range of things. Basically, I would feel really really bad. My knowing that it happened doesn't take away from the fact it happened. It happpened! How does my knowing about it change that?

For me, I would rather not know.

 

[norinrad21]

why would you tell to ruin a good things, if you truly care about the person you are with, you will save them the pain by not telling.

 

[McLesterolBeast]

I would want to know if a girl cheated on me, if only to come up with some scheme to publicly humiliate her in a casual sort of way. Good times. Maybe i'd feel differently if i had some sort of emotional attachment, but i dont think ive ever been attached enough to a girl to stop myself from indulging in a little public humiliation.

From my perspective - if it was someone i didnt care enough to be faithful to, it's someone i don't care enough to be honest to. If it was someone i cared enough to be honest to, i wouldnt be in a situation where i'd have to test my honesty.

 

[Meier]

why would you tell to ruin a good things, if you truly care about the person you are with, you will save them the pain by not telling.

When they find out later, the pain would be infinitely worse.

 

[Pellham]

When they find out later, the pain would be infinitely worse.

Yes, but you're screwed either way so,
1) you can end your relationship now and tell or
2) you can prolongue it and enjoy it but then suffer worse consequences when it's discovered later on. there's also the small possibility that it never gets found out.

I guess which one that a person takes will depend on how much that person needs that relationship.

 

[McLesterolBeast]

Not necessarily. There's a good chance that she may never find out. There's also a good chance that by the time they DO find out, you'll have already broken up, in which case she wouldn't be hurt.