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[pjberri]

I think you tell them and hope for forgiveness. If the other person finds out on their own later, it's over for sure in most cases.

I know that I'd forgive someone in a one-off scenario, but I also know that I'd never forget about it, which is exactly why I'd never tell if I were to do that.

 

[norinrad21]

When they find out later, the pain would be infinitely worse.

Being find out depends on the individual and how they maintain their relationships. There are men who have been married for 25 years and have been fucking women on the side during that time without ever being caught.

cheating and telling really depends on the individual.

 

[karasu]

No, I wouldn't be fine with it. At all. What I am saying is I wouldn't want to know. A big reason for this is how not fine I would be about it. How would my knowing about it make it better for me? I would be hurt, angry, untrusting, insecure, a whole range of things. Basically, I would feel really really bad. My knowing that it happened doesn't take away from the fact it happened. It happpened! How does my knowing about it change that?

But you'd also know what kind of man you were with, and that you'd need to take an aids test posthaste. It would definitely hurt, but that sounds alot better than believing in a lie.

 

[Socreges]

No one's going to tell unless it eats you up inside. My opinion anyway..

I have an interesting question for GAF. I'd like to hear what you think:

There's this girl that I've recently developed a friendship with. Over time, I've come to realize how much I like her. Now, she's been with this other guy for a few months. The relationship, so far as I know, is going fine. With one exception. He's very paranoid/insecure for whatever reason. He always needs to know what she's doing, and has even prevented her from hanging out with me. I know this upsets her. I was bugging her about it ("ask for permission", etc) and she seemed embarrassed. So, I see an opportunity here. The more I try and reach out to her -- the more he denies -- the more annoyed she becomes.... and meanwhile I'm the one that she feels she should apologize to. Should I continue to aggravate the situation? I'm playing it delicately right now, but I've got no respect for the guy and whatever 'code' I may have subscribed to is dissipating more and more. I had no plans to interfere. But he's not being cool, so fuck him.

I think I've kind of made up my mind here. But I'd like to hear if anyone thinks this is evil, acceptable, etc

 

[tetsuoxb]

From personal experience - keep your mouth shut. Nothing good will come of saying anything. NOTHING. If you have fucked the relationship, you can tell immediately and break it off. But telling a girl about one fuck up is about the best way to lose a relationship and give a girl some serious issues all in one.

In summary - if you do something dumb - STFU.

 

[norinrad21]

Maybe said guy is insecure and is acting strange because you are moving in on his turf? Most guys don't appreciate their girls having a so called good friend who happens to be a guy and theres no such thing as a good friend for any female because at the end of the day you still what to hit it, good friends or not.

 

[Socreges]

Maybe said guy is insecure and is acting strange because you are moving in on his turf? Most guys don't appreciate their girls having a so called good friend who happens to be a guy and theres no such thing as a good friend for any female because at the end of the day you still what to hit it, good friends or not.

I get what you're saying, but it's not really like that

The "He always needs to know what she's doing" is a reputation that he apparently has. It's not just with me, but a general problem.

And I haven't been inviting her to movies or dinners or anything like that. But games where she knows a handful of us (a gf of hers even comes to watch). That's it. Because I know that anything more would be very uncool. But he's stopped her from going, even saying "One was enough". If he's such a tight ass, he should just come along and not hold her back all the time.

I'm leaving the country for a while in a couple weeks. She knows this and said in an email "hey i really wish i could see u b4 u go". Yeah, well, I've got an obvious reply. "Not if your boyfriend has anything to say about it". That's not even manipulation... it's the truth. I'd have to make her lie and we shouldn't go there

 

[maharg]

So does that seem right to you? You make one stupid mistake, and your punishment is to lose everything? Isn't living with the guilt bad enough?

- You cheat on her, don't tell her, and don't feel guilty: The relationship clearly doesn't mean much to you and is probably doomed.
- You cheat on her, don't tell her, but do feel guilty have to live with it: The relationship means a lot to you, but your guilt will probably make the relationship uncomfortable and awkward. In the end, probably doomed. At the very least, the level of trust you think you have is a lie.
- You cheat on her, do tell her: The relationship is over, but at least you're not living a lie.

The honesty angle runs deeper than just "duhr, it's the best policy." All good and strong relationships are founded on trust. If you lie about something as fundamental as your fidelity, then the trust is broken. If the relationship continues, the relationship is broken.

Just because the other person doesn't KNOW that they can't trust you does not mean that they should.

 

[Cubsfan23]

If people actually waited awhile to get into a relationship, instead of say, after 2 weeks of knowing each other, then the chances of you getting cheated on drop dramatically.

I would want to know, let me move on to another girl that won't cheat. I've never cheated, and never will.

 

[Alyssa Hu$tle]

I'm leaving the country for a while in a couple weeks. She knows this and said in an email "hey i really wish i could see u b4 u go". Yeah, well, I've got an obvious reply. "Not if your boyfriend has anything to say about it". That's not even manipulation... it's the truth. I'd have to make her lie and we shouldn't go there

No, she doesn't have to lie. "Honey, my friend Socreges is going OS in a couple of weeks, so we are going to catch up for a drink/dinner/whatever on this date... what, you don't like it? Deal with it Honey, I have friends and that is perfectly normal and not unreasonable and not something I should feel ashamed about. By you being accusing and controlling of what I can/can't do really hurts me because it shows you don't trust me or respect me. I have done nothing to lose your trust, so please have more faith in me... What, it's not me you don't trust, but him? You don't have to trust him, he is not the one in this relationship, I am and it's my responsibility to do the right thing not his. Again this demonstrates your lack of faith in me which is unfounded and this hurts my feelings. I am not willing to feel this way so you need to change your behaviour... what, you are not willing to change? I have just told you the behaviour makes me hurt and feel bad, yet you are happy to continue to have me feel like this? Well I refuse to feel like this anymore. I am going to dinner with a friend which is a normal activity. Deal with it, or move on".

No one can be controlled or manipulated unless they allow themselves to be. It is a two-way street. If she really wanted to see you, she would. It is not all his fault you know, she is playing into this.

But to answer your question "Is what you are doing evil?" It's not honourable, but it's not evil. You are single so you can pursue whoever you want, I believe it is the responsibility the person who is in a relationship to set the boundaries and behave accordingly. I hate men who always think they need to come to their woman's rescue from other prying men, she should be a woman enough to behave accordingly and do the right thing, even if her man is not there. If a guy can't bank on this, why is he with her? It demonstrates a lack of respect in my opinion.

But remember this Honey, the way you found 'em, will generally be the same way they find the next guy. If she is willing to muck around with you and then break-up with her partner because things have gotten tough there and she has found a better thing, she will be likely to in turn do this to you. All relationships have issues, no partner is perfect, and things will at some point get tuff. There will always be some guy around the corner ready to pounce and then you'll find yourself in the exact situation her boyfriend is in. Sure, the problems may not be exactly the same, but the process is.

 

[Rorschach]

On my way into work this morning, the local morning radio program (the Kevin and Bean Show on 106.7 KROQ) was talking about the "right" way to handle cheating. (The topic apparently came up because of a recent episode of "Entourage" -- I haven't seen the show, but they played some clips as a prelude to the segment.)

Man, they have that topic every other week. I can't believe they thought of an excuse to have it again.

 

[Boogie]

If people actually waited awhile to get into a relationship, instead of say, after 2 weeks of knowing each other, then the chances of you getting cheated on drop dramatically.

I would want to know, let me move on to another girl that won't cheat. I've never cheated, and never will.

Now, I'm sure that this won't apply to you, however, knowing a woman for more than 2 weeks, one tends to become a "friend", and once one becomes this "friend", you're generally stuck in that category.

Or is it just me?

....

Oh, right, it is just me

 

[Cubsfan23]

Now, I'm sure that this won't apply to you, however, knowing a woman for more than 2 weeks, one tends to become a "friend", and once one becomes this "friend", you're generally stuck in that category.

Or is it just me?

....

Oh, right, it is just me

I meant wait awhile until you're "exclusive"

and yes it's just you.

 

[demon]

Now, I'm sure that this won't apply to you, however, knowing a woman for more than 2 weeks, one tends to become a "friend", and once one becomes this "friend", you're generally stuck in that category.

I think he's referring to just casual dating before committing.

I meant wait awhile until you're "exclusive"

and yes it's just you.

ahem... *waves arm*

 

[Smiles and Cries]

deny... deny... deny!

I had to learn this the hard way...

I told the truth once and it really sucked

don't do it if you really care for her... don't cheat in the first place

 

[Boogie]

I think he's referring to just casual dating before committing.

Ah, right. Well, makes no difference for us then, does it?

 

[Deleted member 4784]

And women as well, right? ;P

Yep! Sorry about that. =p I can always count on you to save face for me, Boogie!

 

[callous]

I hold back though. I suppose morally I should tell them the truth, but it's NOT going to help them at all and not knowing certainly isn't hurting them, so the only person I'd be helping is myself as I try to get rid of the guilt.

But it IS helping them. It's helping them make an informed decision on whether or not they want to spend their time with a person who has done this or that while in a relationship with them. If you don't tell them, you're not letting them make up their own mind about things, and that's not being very respectful of another human being.

 

[DarienA]

Controlling your wang activities for a day would be the optimum choice.

As most have said... keep your damn d*ck in your pants unless it's with your partner is the best choice... but really if it's someone you supposedly care about you should tell them.

Of course the question becomes if you REALLY cared about them you wouldn't have done it in the first place. No excuses.

 

[Mama Smurf]

But it IS helping them. It's helping them make an informed decision on whether or not they want to spend their time with a person who has done this or that while in a relationship with them. If you don't tell them, you're not letting them make up their own mind about things, and that's not being very respectful of another human being.

I see what you're saying. Now that's in my head too, I'd have to weigh up letting her have an informed decision and the inevitable hurt that would come from knowing.

The more I read this thread, the more I think there's no universal answer. It has to be a case by case basis. Luckily it's probably never going to be a problem I'll have, I know things change but cheating? I just can't see it happening, it's just not me.

 

[Deg]

Its not like most cheaters will actually tell their other. :lol Otherwise it would be hard to cheat.

Best thing is not do it in the first place in an 'exclusive' relationship.

 

[Dilbert]

Man, they have that topic every other week. I can't believe they thought of an excuse to have it again.

Yeah...I'm starting to wonder if those two have anything to confess.

 

[Koshiba]

I've been cheated on before and my partner never told me. But I ended up finding out anyways.. Usually that's what happens. If the person is going to find out anyways, it really would be smartest to just tell them. ;x

 

[darscot]

I think it depends on if you want to stay with the person. If you can keep a secret then damn well do that. There is no point in spreading your guilt on to someone else. I hate when people tell because they can't live with themself. THat's the price you pay. Making your significant other feel just as bad as you do is no solution.

 

[GDJustin]

NEVER EVER TELL. EVER.

Just one time and you regret it? DON'T TELL.

It was 10 years ago? DO NOT TELL.

etc.

 

[Deg]

NEVER EVER TELL. EVER.

Just one time and you regret it? DON'T TELL.

It was 10 years ago? DO NOT TELL.

etc.

Cheaters ussually dont tell. Unfortunately when it gets found out. BOOM. :lol The other person will then seriously reconsider their place in the relatonship or lack of.

 

[Socreges]

No one can be controlled or manipulated unless they allow themselves to be. It is a two-way street. If she really wanted to see you, she would. It is not all his fault you know, she is playing into this.

Now, I appreciate your post. You're largely right. But the 'I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR' thing got you carried away. It's not so straight-forward. I'm a little insulted that you'd so easily imply that I'm all backwards on this and that she, in reality, doesn't want to see me. This isn't naivety. And it's not like I'm not finding her at the back-end of a relationship here. They've only just gotten serious. Therefore, with that, she's seen what problems accompany that step. Right now she's diligent... in love, I'm sure. But I don't see that lasting long.

But remember this Honey, the way you found 'em, will generally be the same way they find the next guy. If she is willing to muck around with you and then break-up with her partner because things have gotten tough there and she has found a better thing, she will be likely to in turn do this to you. All relationships have issues, no partner is perfect, and things will at some point get tuff. There will always be some guy around the corner ready to pounce and then you'll find yourself in the exact situation her boyfriend is in. Sure, the problems may not be exactly the same, but the process is.

I think you lost yourself. Why will she inevitably be leaving me? Guys can dump girls, too, y'know! Though honestly, I'm not even concerned with what awaits.

 

[Alyssa Hu$tle]

Now, I appreciate your post. You're largely right. But the 'I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR' thing got you carried away. It's not so straight-forward. I'm a little insulted that you'd so easily imply that I'm all backwards on this and that she, in reality, doesn't want to see me. This isn't naivety. And it's not like I'm not finding her at the back-end of a relationship here. They've only just gotten serious. Therefore, with that, she's seen what problems accompany that step. Right now she's diligent... in love, I'm sure. But I don't see that lasting long.

I think you lost yourself. Why will she inevitably be leaving me? Guys can dump girls, too, y'know! Though honestly, I'm not even concerned with what awaits.

Oh Hon, I hope I didn’t offend you, that was not my intention. I wasn’t implying you are backwards in any way, rather I was commenting on the email you got where she said "hey I really wish I could see u b4 u go". I guess I should have worded myself better. I am sure she does want to see you, but the pressure she feels from her man outweighs the feeling that she can. Yes? What I am saying is she can if she so choses, he can’t control her if she choses not to be controlled, yet she may not realise this.
I guess from where I am coming from is I have been in controlling relationships before, until I realised it was up to me whether I am controlled or not.
Look, at the end of the day my opinion (and that's all it is, leave it on the table if you so chose) is everyone is fair game when you are single, and it looks like you will make a good shoulder for her to cry on and this is a great way “in”… you obviously like her a lot and I don’t think you are being evil.
Good luck to you.

 

[GhaleonEB]

This reminds me of that scene in the first Airplane! movie.

And old guy and his wife look at each other. Husband says, "Before we die, I just want you to know that in 40 years of marriage, I did cheat on you once. It was with Joyce, my secretary." His wife responds, "That's okay dear. I cheated on you once too. With Beth - your other secretary." (forgot the exact names and made them up). :lol

Seriously - just control where your dick goes. If you care about someone, you should not cheat on them. It's not THAT hard. (oops, bad pun)

 

[aoi tsuki]

I think it depends on if you want to stay with the person. If you can keep a secret then damn well do that. There is no point in spreading your guilt on to someone else. I hate when people tell because they can't live with themself. THat's the price you pay. Making your significant other feel just as bad as you do is no solution.

Look at it like this. What if you cheat, and end up contracting an STD or getting the girl you cheated with pregnant?

Even in a less extreme situation. i'm sure it would hurt to know that someone you're involved with cheated, but pain is a part of life. Better to have all cards on the table so you know how to handle a situation, i'd say.