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CreativeWritingGAF: Tear this piece of shit apart.

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Warning: It's a first draft.

Chapter 1
The Night of the Fire

Night had long since fallen when two cloaked men approached a cliff overlooking Dinvale. The cold night air brushed briskly across their unprotected faces. In the spring, the mountains that made up the backbone of Zaria, the Silberdorn range, were particularly cold and uninviting and the two travellers were eager to find shelter.

Still, they were unimpressed by what they were looking at. Although they were still at a distance and the night sky was black as pitch, they could tell the town was typical of the coal mining villages that dotted the mountains in this part of the country. The glow of the gas lamps lining the streets promised that electricity was not a luxury the people of that small berg enjoyed. One on the north part of town, and another on the east section. It was impossible to enter the town from the south or west, as town abruptly ended upon meeting the side of the mountain, which the two travellers concluded, was were the entrance to the mine was.

“The town looks like a dump,” spoke the taller of the two travellers. “Are you sure this is our only choice?”

The shorter man stood staring at the town solemnly. “Not unless you got a better idea. We’re far off course, judging by this map. I thought we’d be further north. Still, we either find a place to sleep down there, or we make camp again tonight.”
Two weeks had passed since the two men had left the Capitol. Their errand was to deliver a message the commander of a fort near the city of Grundoval. Upon departure, they were given the option of travelling by train or by motorcycle. Since it was rare to be given an opportunity to travel outside the city, they jumped on the latter. Two nights out, they realized their mistake. North central Zaria along the Silberdorn mountains were largely uninhabited except by small towns set up to harvest the coal that fuelled the nation’s economy. The boondocks were no place for two men spoiled by the culture of their nation’s largest city, and many nights had passed since they had slept inside a house, much less upon a bed.
“Well then, you’ve sold me. I don’t believe my back could take another night of these roots.” The taller man turned his back to the cliff and made his way to his motorcycle. The bike was an Elmar model, military issue. Slender, the sort made for rough terrain. Upon the side of the bike was an emblem resembling a Black Turtle upon a green field.

Just as he was about to jump on board, an explosion erupted from down in the valley below. Seconds later there was another explosion, and then another. Soon, the entire village was covered in flame.
The two men looked at each other. Without speaking, they hopped on their motorcycles and raced towards the village.
~~~
Jacob Reinhart was laying in his bed, enduring yet a sleepless night. He had lived in this bedroom for six months, yet still was not comfortable sleeping in it. He hated the room, hated the house. Hell, he hated his parents for making him live in this house. He had enjoyed his life in Mumberg. There his father had been a respected scientist working that the Vran Institute. Why did he have to throw away his career and uproot the family to this backwards hicksville.
Not that he ever saw his father much these days anyway. Jacob’s father, Richard, often leave for work at dawn and return home after he had gone to bed. What his father could be busying himself with, Jacob hadn’t a clue. He had no idea what sort of business his father could have with these roughnecks.

Jacob gazed out the window as he had every night. The moon comforted him and often he would fall asleep gazing at it. Tonight was a new moon though, and that comfort was one he would not find that night. Instead, he passed the time by tossing a trinket upon in the air and catching it. The trinket was a locket baring a family portrait. The Reinharts had had the picture taken shortly before leaving Mumberg.
The repetitive nature of his game of catch was starting to lull him to sleep, which in the end caused him to miss catching it one time. Instead, his middle finger accidentally batted the locket across the room. Jacob climbed out of bed to retrieve the locket. Just as he crouched down to pick it up, there was a blast right outside the house.
The explosion shattered the glass that made up Jacob’s window. Had he still been in bed, he would have been covered in lacerations. Instead, he was now crouched in the corner of his room, covering his face with his hands. Other explosions could be heard, some closer than others.

Jacob’s mother came running into the room. She breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing her son alive and unhurt. “Thank goodness,” she sighed. “Let’s get downstairs! Away from these windows.”

The boy did as he was told. He followed her out of his bedroom and into the hallway. As they were coming downstairs, they heard their front door slam open and hurried feet come inside. “Lily! Jake! Where are you, damn it!?” The voice belonged to Jacob’s father, Richard!”

“We’re here! Richard, what is going on? What is happening?” replied Lily, a tremble in her voice.

Richard was not a man easily cowed. He was not an overly large man, but he was not small by any means either. Not once in Jacob’s ten years of life had he seen his father scared, yet here he was shaking uncontrollably. “I don’t have time to explain. We need to get the hell out of here. Once we’re clear of the town, I’ll tell you everything.”

Richard sent Lily back upstairs to pack as much clothing as possible for the three of them. Jacob was sent to the kitchen to gather as much food as possible. Dinvale was quite isolated, even from the other mining towns. Who knew how long they would be in the wilderness. As Jacob set upon his task, he watched his father anxiously. Richard was frantically gathering as much paperwork on his desk and putting the papers in a briefcase. The last item Richard gathered as a pistol, which had belonged to his grandfather. It was of an older type then the ones used by professional soldiers. Carefully he tucked the gun inside his trowsers.

One he was sure he had everything he needed in his briefcase, Richard called out to his wife and son. “Come on! We need to move! Time is drawing short. Jacob! Don’t let go of your mother’s hand!”
The three Reinharts gathered closely together, then opened the door. The vision they saw was truly horrifying. Most of the town was already engulfed in flames. Most of the town’s population was in the streets, running this way and that in chaos. Only screams and cries could be heard above the cackle of the flames, and the smell of burning flesh hung heavily in the air. To his horror, he noticed his own house, the house he had always hated, was itself wreathed in flames.
Two main roads made up the main thoroughfare of Dinvale. One went north-south, the other east-west. Both roads met at the southwest corner of town, where the mine was built. A large wall enclosed the town, with gates posted at the end of both roads. Those two gates were the only way out of town. The Reinharts were making their way towards the Eastern gate. The going was slow, however. Too many people lined the town’s already narrow street. Several times, Jacob had almost lost his grip on his mother’s hand due to the traffic, yet he always managed to somehow keep up.

Five minutes had passed since Jacob had left his house, and yet the terror never lessened. As the family made their desperate march towards the town’s border, he watched as his neighbors trampled over each other clawing their way out of the inferno that had become their town. Buildings were beginning to collapse alongside the road, instantly killing those unfortunate enough to be close by. Still they pressed on.
Their progress was halted when Lily suddenly bumped into a man, knocking her down. The man was of a larger sort and burley. Despite the chaos flowing around them, he helped her to feet. Then he recognized her. “Where is your husband?”, he demanded. It was then that Jacob noticed the man was holding a large rifle.
Richard was not too far ahead, he had turned back to see where his family was at and made his way to them. When he noticed the man standing next to them, he greeted the man, while grabbing his wife’s hand. “Gustav, we’re making for the east gate. You and Elize should join us.”

Jacob knew of the man his father was calling Gustav. He was said to be a foreman at the mines. He looked the part for sure. Now a fire was burning in his eyes. “Elize is dead. Our house was directly hit by one of the explosions.”
Jacob’s parents were silent for a moment. Then Richard spoke again. “Come with us. We don’t have to suffer this alone!” He clasped Gustav’s shoulder as he spoke.
Gustav shook his head. “Some of the boys said they saw some of them. At the village square. Some of us are gonna head over there. You should join us.”
“I can’t do that,” Richard responded. “I’m sorry Gustav. I really am. But I need to get my family out of this town.” Richard took his wife’s hand again, and started walking away. However Gustav spun him around. Reflexively, Richard reached down to ready the pistol waiting at his hip.

“How convenient. Don’t you see how this is all of your fault?” snarled the foreman. “This wouldn’t be happening if you hadn’t come to town. You have a duty to this town to defend it.”

Gustav’s words hit home. His guilt overcoming him, he turned to Lily. “Take Jacob and go. Make for Bunezville. I’ll meet you there.”

“No Richard! You can’t leave us!” plead Jacob’s mother. “I can’t do this without you!”

“Be strong, Lily. I’m counting on you to protect our son. I promise, I’ll meet up with you later. I won’t get myself into any situation I can’t handle.”
Those words were enough to steel Lily. The two embraced. Then Richard knelt down and spoke to Jacob. “Protect your mother, boy. I won’t be long, I promise.”
Jacob, fighting back his own tears, managed an awkward smile. “Okay, papa. I’ll do my best.”
Richard returned the smile. “That’s my boy. There is something else I need you to do.” He handed the briefcase he had been holding to his son. “Hold on to this until I meet up with you again. Do NOT let anyone else get their hands on it, okay? If it comes down to it, destroy the case and all of its contents.”

Jacob took the case from his father and clung to it desperately. His father gave him a quick hug then turned away. Within seconds, both Richard Reinhart and Gustav could be seen no more, obscured by the hordes of people trying to escape town.
After Richard could no longer be seen, Lily and Jacob continued making for the town’s exit. Smoke was beginning to fill Jacob’s lungs and he was having a hard time keeping pace. Eventually he had to stop entirely to catch his breath. While coughing, he noticed something peculiar.

A young girl was laying by the wayside. The top half of her body was exposed, but the bottom half was buried under rubble. A vacant expression was in her eyes. Jacob knew her, though. She was one of the children in his class. He had never spoken with her. He had never spoke to any of his classmates. She would never get the chance to get to know him now. Her raven black hair stained by freely flowing blood.
Jacob stood there, unable to move. He had already seen more than a few corpses in his exodus, but this one shook him to the core. As he stood there motionless, his mother tried to pry him onward, they heard gunshots back in the direction they had come from. Instinctively, he knew his father was where the shots were coming from. His mother seemed to know too. The fire fight did not last long, maybe a minute or two.

Jacob gazed up at his mother. “Do you think dad is okay?”, he asked, tears now freely poured down his cheeks, as much from the ash and smoke as from the emotions he was feeling.

His mother was silent. “I don’t know. We need to move on though. We have to be strong for him. She was fighting back her own tears. Despite living a pampered life as the wife of a respected scientist under the employ of the government, she was a strong person at her core. She had enjoyed a happy marriage with her husband, and while she was not thrilled with the prospect of transplanting her life to what was essentially the wilderness, she understood that whatever project her husband was working on, it had required him to do so. She stood by his decision then. Now, she knew her husband was probably dead. He was no gunfighter, and the standoff had apparently been short. She knew it was up to her to get her son to safety.
Hope began to swell in the hearts of the two surviving Reinharts as they pressed forwards. In the distance, the large stone wall encircling the town was starting to grow larger in their field of view. It couldn’t be more than one thousand meters at this point. Foot traffic was still excruciating, but it would not be much longer before they were cleared of Dimvale. Even better, the section of town closest to the wall were not affected as badly by the blasts, and the area was not wreathed in flames as the inner parts of the town had been. Houses were more spread out towards the edges of town. In fact, a large field separated the wall from the last few houses.

Unbeknownst to the flood of exiles pouring towards the exit of the city, a group of a dozen or so men dressed in rags were posted on the opposite side of the great stone wall that encircled the town. As refugees passed through the gate, they took aim. As the initial wave of fleeing townsfolk passed about 100 feet outside of the gate, they unloaded their firearms in a dark fury. Ratatatatatatatatatatata. Ratatatatatatatata.

Panic swept through the crowd as they realized they were under fire and they attempted to scatter into the nearby woods. It was useless though. The net was too well laid: Anyone who attempted to break through was mowed down. The only chance of survival was to move back into the fire. Even that was futile though. As the line of refugees collapsed back into town, the assailants followed, continuing to fire at the crowd as they went.

Jacob was less than one hundred yards away from the outer wall when the shots began to ring out. Like a school of fish fleeing a predator, the townsfolk moved as one hivemind driving back into the flaming inferno that made up Dinvale. Lily reacted quickly. She picked up her son with one arm without thinking and started carrying him back the way they had come.

No what? Lily had no idea what to do The way forward was now blocked to her. Quickly she began formulating a plan of action. She could make for the northern gate, but she suspected whoever was attacking the village probably had men posted there as well. The only safe place she could think of was the mine itself. Of course it would be dangerous to enter, especially late at night without any sort of light source, but it could make for a temporary hiding place.

The mine was the lifeblood of the town. The Silberdorn mountains were rich with coal. Many coal towns nearly identical to Dinvale had arose shortly after the Zarian civil war some thirty years prior. The coal these mining communities had been what had jump started the nation’s economy after the dust had settled. Now it would serve as a haven.

The mine was all the way on the other side of town. All the way back past their house. At this point most of the houses in town had collapsed. Still the flames roared on, reducing everything to ash. The crowd was now quite thin now. No longer making for a single point, most had scattered any way they could. Behind them, Jacob could hear ever louder the cold gunshots being fired.
Am I going to die here? Jacob thought to himself. Before this night, he had never considered his own mortality before. He was young. By all rights, he should have at least fifty more years left. With death now all around him, he realized one of life’s darkest truths. He could die at any minute.

More than once, Jacob could feel bullets whiz past him. Around him, men and women were collapsing around him, screaming in pain from the shots. Pure adrenaline had taken over his mother and she kept her pace, without winding.
Desperate to escape the hail of bullets, Lily ducked into an alley on her left side. If she was going to survive and protect her son, she would have to get off the main street. The alley she was now in was narrow, and the buildings were half collapsed. This slowed her down considerably. Jacob was now walking on his own once more, since he would often have to climb over debris that had fallen from the buildings on their side, which were still wreathed in flame.
Climbing over the debris was torture. It was still hot, and Jacob could feel his hands blister as he climbed over these garbage mounds. He dared not protest though. Fear had completely washed over him and he was terrified to go back. On his right hand side, he could hear the gunshots ringing out nonstop.

Ahead was a concrete wall. The Reinharts made their way towards it. In order to continue towards Dinvale’s mine, they would have to cross it. It was quite tall, over eight feet tall. Lily lifted Jacob up and he climbed over. After he was clear, Lily began climbing over herself. Jacob stood below waiting for her to drop down to his side. Then she she did.
Lily threw her leg over the side of the wall and prepared to let gravity handle the rest. Before she could follow through, however, a shot rang out. Her body instantly went limp and she collapsed next to Jacob. A cold, distant look was in her eyes and a pool of blood started forming, originating from the back of her head.

Jacob propped her up and started shaking her awake. “Mom, stop joking around! C’mon! We need to go!” Tears were forming in his eyes. “C’mon! Don’t leave me like this! I need you! I don’t know what to do!”. No response came from Lily. Just a cold, distant stare.

As he clung to her, blood started to cover his clothes. He tried to soak it up but couldn’t. Slowly the reality started to sink in. What am I going to do? How am I going to survive? He thought to himself. He began cursing his father for leaving them. He began cursing his father for bringing them to this town for bringing. This whole thing was his father’s fault and he intended to say so once he met up with him again
He wiped the tears away, but they kept coming. He knew he had to keep going, but he couldn’t muster the will. Instead, he wrapped himself in her arms and let fate take control. Whatever was going to happen to him would happen
~~~
 
Fifteen minutes had passed since the first explosion, and the two men had not yet reached the village. They were still racing down the mountain, making as best they could towards the town that was now completely in flames. The night sky was now a violent red. Still, these mountain roads were not helpful. Now, they thought they could hear gunshots from down below.

Ever cognizant of the fact that time was of the essence, they left the road and made straight towards the town. This of course was dangerous, especially at night. Despite the fact that the sky was now brightly lit, the terrain was a dense forest. They wove between trees, sometimes coming quite close impacting. Still, these two men were professionals and could handle their Elmars with unmatched skill.

The two men had seen their share of action. The shorter of the two was Byran Aurich and his companion was Zachariah Kauf. Thirty years had passed since the Zarian Civil War had ended and the country had been at peace since then for the most part. In this peaceful time, the military served more as a police force.

It was pure luck that their route did not take them by any cliffs. Instead, they were low enough that the mountains began sloping downward. The road had taken them east of the town, so they curving back in the direction they wanted. Not much time had passed before Dinvale’s large outer wall came to dominate their view. As they approached, strange lumps in the road started to take focus. Despite the fire raging beyond the wall, it was still too dark to tell what the shapes were. Cautiously, they slowed their Elmars to a stop and hid them in some bushes a few hundred feet away from the shapes.

“I’m going to take point. You stay back here and let me know if you see anything,” said Byran. He unholstered his firearm, Restler .45. This particular type was recently adopted by various countries around the world for use with their militaries. It had a percussion mechanism, making it more useful than the old matchlock types that had previously been used. The Restler in general was a solid weapon. It hardly ever locked up, easy to maintain, and utilized a clip containing twelve shots. It was as reliable a side arms as one could want, and it’s popularity had made Warren Restler of Talmina a very rich man.

Zach nodded. “Alright, I’ll hang back. Watch yourself though. What do you think caused this mess anyway?”

Byran shrugged. “These mountains are filled with bandits that prey on these little villages. If I had to guess, this is the result of a raid that went wrong.”

Byran took his leave of Zach and moved towards the lumps as quickly and quietly as possible. He had no clue if the ruffians that had started the fire were still about, and he was not comfortable with the lack of cover. He wanted to retreat back to his companion as quick as possible.

As he drew closer to the lumps in the road, Byran realized what he was looking at. Bodies. Human bodies. Many were in their nightclothes. Women and children were amongst the slain. The sight was enough to make Byran retch. He quickly regained his composure and investigated the scene further.

Whoever had done this had some serious firepower at their disposal. The telltale marks of machinegun fire were all of the bodies of the fallen. Instinctively, he knew that these people were mowed down as they fled the flames burning within the town. A feeling of dread began to fill Byran. He was a decent marksmen, but he did not want to go up against a group of people so well equipped.

From behind him, where he had left Zach, came a bird call from behind a bush. He knew it to be the single that a potential threat had been spotted. The call came too late though. They had spotted Byran first. A cold shot rang out from above him on the large gate. Byran threw his body backwards, landing prone. As he did so, pain erupted on the side of his left forearm. Still, he raised his gun and let loose two shots, one at each of the figures standing upon the entranceway. Instantly the collapsed to the ground.
Zach came running foreward to his friend’s aid. “You were a little late on spotting them, you know?” said Byran, grimacing.

“What do you expect? It’s hard to spot anything in this light,” replied Zach. Despite his defensive tone, he felt guilty. He had let his partner down. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine. The bullet just grazed me. I’ll take care of it later. We need to move,” stated Byran.

Just then Zach took notice of the bodies around them. “This wasn’t a raid. This was a slaughter,” he said, in terror.

“Yeah. It’s not looking good. These are rapid fire wounds,” responded Byran.

“But how? Only the ZRA has access to this kind of weaponry,” Zach said in shock.

Byran didn’t need to respond. Both knew that Zaria had a fairly active black market. It was by no stretch of the imagination impossible for raiders to get access to military-grade weapons. The Republican army was constantly sending in units to disband arms sales, and while there had been some progress on that front, the market was just too powerful. There were rumors that manufacturers themselves, including Restler and Narbonic, both of which had well paid government contracts, were selling their goods under the table.

Both Zach and Byran ran up to the outer wall and peered in from opposite sides. Inside the wall, the town was in flames. Many of the buildings had collapsed, either partially or entirely. More bodies could be seen, most in position as if they had been running away from the gateway. Not too far off, gunshots were ringing out

“Those bastards… They’re gunning people down has they are fleeing the town,” said Zach, gritting his teeth. “What do we do?” The implication was obvious to Byran. Zach was concerned that they were outmatched. He wanted to turn back and leave the town to its fate.

That would have been the smart course of action. They were working of of little to no information, marching headlong into a deadly situation. Byran did not want to give up hope just yet. There might just be a few people left that they could save.

“We’re going in, of course.” He said.

Zach was taken back by Byran’s resolve. He can’t be serious. We’re going to get ourselves killed, he thought. Still, deep down he felt the same way. He steeled himself to their next course of action.

Without another word, they moved in. They tried to move as stealthy as possible, but that was no easy task. There was little cover, and what cover they could find was in flames. As they moved down the main avenue, they checked for any signs of life, whether it be friend or foe. There were no signs of enemies, but some of the towns folk still drew breath. When the two men encountered someone still alive, they paused for a moment to see if they could help. It was fruitless. The wounds were always too severe. Each person only had a few minutes of life left.

As they pressed onward, their hopes of finding anyone alive turned to despair. The attack was just too thorough. They were approaching the center of the town now with no signs of life. Even the gunshots were starting to diminish, now only being heard far off to their right. On their left, they heard a rumbling sound, followed by a crash.

“That would be the mine.” stated Byran.

“I hope no one had taken refuge there.” said Zach.
~~~
Minutes had past since Lily Reinhart had passed away, and still her son Jacob was by her side, sobbing away. He was now drenched in his mother’s blood. As he sobbed, he realized he had something in his hand. It was his father’s briefcase. Such a non-descript boring case. Jacob had never let go of it since they had left his house.
Hold on to this until I meet up with you again. Do NOT let anyone else get their hands on it, okay? If it comes down to it, destroy the case and all of its contents. Those had been his father’s last words to him. The thought crossed his mind that in all likelihood his father was dead. Unknown assailants were marching through town gunning down anyone in sight without any resistance.

Curiosity suddenly overtook Jacob. What was so valuable that his father had wanted him to destroy the case instead of hand it over? He turned the case over and started fumbling with the lock. No luck. He had no idea what the combination could be.
A realization dawned on Jacob as he sat there, playing with the lock on the case. If he died here, then it was likely his father’s case would be discovered by very people Richard was hiding it from. Clearly, his father knew who was attacking Dinvale. If only he had stayed long enough to tell him who.

Jacob considered his two choices. Destroying the case would be as simple as tossing it into the flames burning around town. But that seemed like a waste to Jacob. His father dedicated his life to his research, and to toss it all away would mean his father’s life had been wasted. No, he could not do that. He would escape town, with the case in hand.
He stood up, gently placing his mother’s head down on the ground. He gave her a soft kiss on the forehead. As he did so, he heard the same rumble Byran and Zach did. Dinvale’s mine was now in ruins. Grimly, Jacob supposed it was a good thing they had not reached the mine.

He was unsure which direction to head. The gunmen that had been dogging them had passed by as he had mourned his mother. He could now hear their weapons away north, though less frequently. He just hoped there were not more of them behind the main group.

Lily had been shot climbing over a large stone wall. The only reason Jacob had managed to cross over was because Lily had helped him. Luckily, on this side of the wall, there was a large pine tree growing along side it. Jacob tossed the briefcase over the other side of the wall, then began climbing the tree. When he was about even with the height of the wall, he jumped from the tree. He had misjudged the height, however and barely made it. With a bit of effort, he was able to pull himself up and over. After landing safely on the other side, he picked up the briefcase and began running east towards the exit once more.

He tried to pay attention to where he was going as best he could, but that was no easy task. His eyes were burning and sore. Running was no easy task either. He was exhausted, and the smoke he had been breathing for the last few hours had filled his lungs, limiting their capacity.

It was all he could do to press on. He was running blindly. And that is why he ran into of them. The assailants attacking his town.

He had just crossed into the main street, after having reached a dead end in the alley he had been going down. As he turned the corner, he ran smack into something hard. Both him and the object had fallen over. He immediately picked himself and his father’s briefcase up and tried to continue on his way. But he was unable to do so. A hand latched onto his foot and he fell over once more.

“What’s this? There’s still kids around?” said a voice, belonging to the hand that had tripped Jacob. The voice was young and pleasant, yet Jacob was still afraid. He closed his eyes. “‘ey, Killian. Get over here.”

Another voice replied. “What do you have there? A boy? I thought the others cleared this sector already.” His voice was see
Soon Jacob was pinned down.. Desperately, he tried to open his eyes. He couldn’t see very well, but he could make out a few details about his captor. He was full cloaked in brown, and ragged. He couldn’t make out the person’s face though.

“You gave me quite a scare there, you know?”, said the voice belonging to the person holding him. “What should I do with you?”

The other voice, belonging to the one identified as ‘Killian’, spoke harshly. “Knock it off. Do him in like we did all the other people in this town. Make it quick. I want to report to the others and get out of here.”

“Well, you heard the man. Sorry, kid. Nothing personal.” With his free hand, the man reached down to his side and pulled out a knife.

Jacob tried to break free, frantically. It was no use. His attacker was too heavy and was pinning him down on the ground. The knife went to Jacob’s throat. He tried to beg for his life, but the words wouldn’t come out. He had breathed in too much smoke.

Suddenly the man fell over on his side. A well aimed bullet had impacted the side of the man’s head, ending his story instantly. Jacob scrambled to get out from under him. The other man, Killian was standing there dumbfounded. Other shots rang out, causing the raider to run for cover. The fire had destroyed most of the buildings nearby, and so he was forced to retreat quite far away. His only option was to take cover behind some bodies some fifteen yards back. As soon as he was protected, he began firing his own shots.

As for Jacob, as soon as he was on his feet, he was running as fast as he could, stopping only to pick up the briefcase he had dropped. These newcomers had to be the remnants of the town’s defence! Perhaps his father was with him. He ran towards his defenders with a heart full of hope.
~~~
Byran and Zach continued press onwards, towards the heart of the city. They proceeded as quietly as possible, though their efforts in that regard seemed pointless. There were no signs of life where ever they went. Only the bodies of the men, women and children who had occupied this dying town. Still, they were cautious. They had no desire to meet more raiders, especially ones who were so well armed.

Neither of the two held out much hope of finding anyone in need of rescue. This extermination had been entirely thorough. Zach was about to suggest abandoning their search when they came across some signs of life.

Up ahead they could hear the sounds of a struggle. There were voices, but they could not make out what was being said. Their vigilance redoubled, they crept around the corner and smiled.

There were three figures up ahead. Two were fully grown and cloaked. The third figure was that of a small child, a young boy. One of the cloaked men had the child pinned to the ground.

“It appears we were right to continue into this hell,” said Zach, grinning.

“Let’s help out the kid. He seems like he’s in trouble.” replied Byran, lining up his target in his sights. “The moment I fire, you run in and grab the boy. Then we’re out of here.” Zach nodded.

Zach’s confirmation was all he needed. Byran pulled the trigger and one of the cloaked figures instantly dropped to the ground. He began to take aim at the other cloaked figure, but he was unable to score a hit. The other figure began to reacting, running for cover behind some bodies. Byran continued to lay down a surpressing fire, as Zach ran out to retrieve the boy.

Luckily, the kid had decided to run towards Zach. He was running blindly towards them, and to his benefit, he never got in the line of fire. In his left hand was a leather briefcase, swinging wildly in the air.

Zach ran up and snatched the kid into his arms. The boy did not even try to fight back, much to Zach’s delight. Bundle in tow, he retreated back around the corner. Byran kept the cloaked figure surpressed while Zach set him down.

The kid had a smile on his face, which quickly turned to a look of confusion. “Are you with my father?” he asked.

Zach shook his head. “I’m afraid not,” he said, trying to be empathetic. Tears began to well up in the boy’s eyes. “Don’t worry though. We’re here to help you.”

Byran glanced over his shoulder, towards the his companions. “Ask him if he knows of any more survivors.”

Zach looked over to the boy, who appeared to him to be no older than 10 years old. Just 7 years younger than both he and Byran. The boy was silent for a moment, then he said, “I haven’t seen anyone in a while. My mom and I were making for the mine, but I think it collapsed.”

Zach and Byran exchanged a glance. At this point, they were lucky to have found one survivor. Now they had to get him out of there.

Down the way, they were a whistle being blown. No doubt it was from their adversary. The trio began moving at once. No more time time to daly. They still had no clue how many people they were upagainst. Zach led the way, carrying the kid. Byran hung back a short distance, serving as rear guard.

To their fortune, the way forward was clear. They ran past the burning debris without pause. The inferno was now their greatest benefactor, for it now helped conceal to conceal them as they fled. Smoke plumed high into the air. While this meant they were running forward blind, it also meant their pursuers could not see them. They knew they were being chased. The whistle never ceased blowing. It was some distance behind, but never more than 100 yards.

The trio sprinted past Dinvale’s East gate, past the mounds of bodies, to where they had left their Elmars. Zach threw the boy on to the passenger’s seat. “Never let go. This is going to be a rough ride,” he said, while stowing the briefcase in his bike’s storage bay. The boy had clung to the case in an oddly possessive way which alarmed Zach. He chalked it up to the fact the child was shellshocked. Still, he would have to find out the contents of the case later, once they were safely away from danger.

Meanwhile, Byran was fiddling around in his Elmar’s cargo bay as well. After a minute, he produced what he was looking for. He took the objects, one in each hand and ran back to the gate’s entrance. Ahead, he heard shouting. He had been spotted. Soon after a torrent of gun fire hailed. None of the shots came close. They were still some ways away. Byran placed the objects on the ground and then ran back towards Zach and the child. Seconds later, there was an explosion The concrete gate fell into a pile of rubble.

“That should slow them down a bit,” Byran told Zach as he ran back to his bike. He hopped on, and immediately started the ignition. A second later, he blasted off into the forest. Zach followed suit.

As they sped into the pitch-black forest, the child turned his head back to catch one last glimpse of the dying town. It was still wreathed in flames, though they were starting to die down. Soon the branches of the trees they were passing under blocked out the town from view. The child whose name was Jacob, began to cry once more. Zach felt the child cling tighter to him as he sobbed.

“It’s going to be alright, kid. We’re here with you now. We’re gonna make them pay for this.”
 

terrisus

Member
Double-enter at ends of paragraphs for readability!
(Related, but on a quick scan, way too many paragraph breaks - which in turn generally leads to a disjointed feel).
 

terrisus

Member

Much better (although there are still a few back-to-back paragraphs hanging out in there, but not the end of the world).

I'm too tired to do any serious amount of reading tonight, and have a busy day tomorrow, so I can't really contribute much more than that, but figured I'd at least toss in that bit (while more stylistic and not technically required - I feel it makes things much easier to read and process, and will hopefully help in getting others to go through it).
 
I didn't bother to read it because you prefaced the story by telling me it was shit.

Feel free to rewrite it and get it up to a standard where you feel it should be critiqued.
 

Valhelm

contribute something
If something is shit then it's beyond salvation. Your first step is to convince yourself that your work isn't shit.
 

Esiquio

Member
I didn't bother to read it because you prefaced the story by telling me it was shit.

Feel free to rewrite it and get it up to a standard where you feel it should be critiqued.

I'll tell you from experience, OP, in case you didn't already know, that you want Mike Works' opinion on your writing. His critiques are top-notch, specific and genuinely helpful, and he wrote the best second-person story I've ever read.

That said, I promise I'll read it tomorrow and post my thoughts.
 
Only got into the barest of the beginning, but an easy thing to point out is your repeating of certain descriptors/words. I'll underline so you can see what I mean.

Night had long since fallen when two cloaked men approached a cliff overlooking Dinvale. The cold night air brushed briskly across their unprotected faces. In the spring, the mountains that made up the backbone of Zaria, the Silberdorn range, were particularly cold and uninviting and the two travellers were eager to find shelter.

Still, they were unimpressed by what they were looking at. Although they were still at a distance and the night sky was black as pitch, they could tell the town was typical of the coal mining villages that dotted the mountains in this part of the country. The glow of the gas lamps lining the streets promised that electricity was not a luxury the people of that small berg enjoyed. One on the north part of town, and another on the east section. It was impossible to enter the town from the south or west, as town abruptly ended upon meeting the side of the mountain, which the two travellers concluded, was were the entrance to the mine was.

Try switching it up a bit or just omit where a word is unnecessary. Also, your sentences don't need to be so packed. Shorter, tighter lines interspersed throughout is better, in my opinion.
 
From a non-professional person that just likes reading...you have a lot of un-needed transitions that just restate what you have already told me.
 

Forkball

Member
I appreciate the effort you put into this. As someone who fiddles around with his own terrible fiction, I admire anyone willing enough to put their work up for critique. However, I am a lazy, lazy man, so I am only going to analyze your first few paragraphs.

Chapter 1
The Night of the Fire

Night had long since fallen when two cloaked men approached a cliff overlooking Dinvale. The cold night air brushed briskly across their unprotected faces. In the spring, the mountains that made up the backbone of Zaria, the Silberdorn range, were particularly cold and uninviting and the two travellers were eager to find shelter.

Still, they were unimpressed by what they were looking at. Although they were still at a distance and the night sky was black as pitch, they could tell the town was typical of the coal mining villages that dotted the mountains in this part of the country. The glow of the gas lamps lining the streets promised that electricity was not a luxury the people of that small berg enjoyed. One on the north part of town, and another on the east section. It was impossible to enter the town from the south or west, as town abruptly ended upon meeting the side of the mountain, which the two travellers concluded, was were the entrance to the mine was.

“The town looks like a dump,” spoke the taller of the two travellers. “Are you sure this is our only choice?”

Let's start.
Night had long since fallen when two cloaked men approached a cliff overlooking Dinvale
Mysterious cloaked men in a fantasy land. I'm already bored! Describe them in a more interesting way.

The cold night air brushed briskly across their unprotected faces.
When you say something "brushed" it conveys the sense of lightness, or even something pleasant. "My girlfriend's hair brushed against my shoulder," something like that. But you say they have "unprotected" faces. There's a weird contrast between the ideas expressed in "cold night air" and "unprotected" when compared to "brushed." Is the air pleasant or not?

In the spring, the mountains that made up the backbone of Zaria, the Silberdorn range, were particularly cold and uninviting and the two travellers were eager to find shelter.
You misspelled "travelers" and you used the word cold again. I know there's no rule saying you can't use the same word twice in two sentences, but cold is such a boring word unless you have built it up to have some sort of impact.

Although they were still at a distance and the night sky was black as pitch, they could tell the town was typical of the coal mining villages that dotted the mountains in this part of the country.
"Black as pitch" is a cliche I think I read a thousand times in ASOIAF.

The glow of the gas lamps lining the streets promised that electricity was not a luxury the people of that small berg enjoyed.
A berg is a mountain, so are you saying the mountain is small?

One on the north part of town, and another on the east section. It was impossible to enter the town from the south or west, as town abruptly ended upon meeting the side of the mountain, which the two travellers concluded, was were the entrance to the mine was.

I got a bit confused on "one." I assume you are talking about the lamps? Also this description is a bit long winded and without flavor. You just tell what's in the town at four directions.

“The town looks like a dump,” spoke the taller of the two travellers. “Are you sure this is our only choice?
"Looks like a dump" is also a cliche. Also you misspelled travelers again.

My suggestions are to spend a bit more time describing the atmosphere. Right now I have two cloaked guys looking down on a shitty town. I am not engaged. It may seem ridiculous to expect to be captivated in the first two paragraphs, but if you have to convey something interesting.
 

Cowlick

Banned
Still reading, but to paraphrase a valuable piece of writing advice: don't tell us that the air was cold, show us the goosepimples on their skin.
 

Cyan

Banned
(Related, but on a quick scan, way too many paragraph breaks - which in turn generally leads to a disjointed feel).

I think that's just forum formatting making it look that way. In a standard font in MS Word it'd probably look normal. (I'm a big fan of having lots of paragraph breaks in any case. :p)
 
Read the first part only. Please be thick-skinned:

- numerous grammatical and paragraph errors. Not serious enough to impede readability, though.
- I was bored from the 2nd paragraph.
- as someone above said, too much telling, not enough showing. Actually, there's hardly any showing.
- quite a number of instances that defy logic and belief (why are Jacob and his mom 100% sure that it was his father that was killed? I would think they would fear for his safety but still hope for the best. There should be an element of uncertainty)
- Jacob's mom's fate did not evoke a single shred of emotion from me.
- you were probably aiming for an action-packed sequence. Your method of excessive exposition totally kills the momentum.
- your explanation of every single detail not only kills the momentum but also the suspense
- tip: minimize use of passive verbs (were, was, etc.) Aim to use active verbs as much as possible.
- if you rewrite all events of the first half to make it tighter, you will probably end up with half the length (or less).
- don't give up; it's not the end of the world and certainly not the worst I've seen. My old fanfics are worse.
-
 
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