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[Raven117]

After seeing a few threads on this with people going through this difficult part of life, I think a general thread on this may be helpful for some folks. There seems to be more than a few posters who have gone through this loss. And as we all know, once you lose a parent (or both), while you will be "whole", you will never be put together the same way again. That's okay. Lets recognize and talk about it.

For whatever reason, Western society has a difficult time recognizing loss. Good friends who haven't gone through this yet, just seem to stare blankly at you when you try and outline what your grief looks like. Let's see what happens here, but this is a free flow thread to post whatever you want to. Want to vent, vent. Want advice? Ask. Want to tell me (us) about your parent(s), let us hear it. Selling the family home and it feels like your roots are being cut out from under you? Come on with it. And please, bring all gallows humor. I know for some, laughing at this is atrocious, but for others, its therapeutic (and beats collapsing in tears).

A bit about me. I lost my mother to breast cancer in 2006, my father to old age (but a long drawn out process full of twists and turns) where I was the primary caretaker. Done the will/executor thing more than once to a few family members. Im still moving through the grief of not only the loss of my parents, but the loss of what feels like my history and my family. No one on the planet loves you like a parent does. My grief often manifests as exhaustion. Like I have nothing in the tank. Its been almost a year since I lost my dad, and it just now seems I'm having a bit more in the battery.

In any event, lets see how this goes.

 

[AJUMP23]

My mom died 6 years ago. I miss her terribly, but I will see her again.

 

[Raven117]

My mom died 6 years ago. I miss her terribly, but I will see her again.

Yeah, mothers are particularly tough. I love my father dearly. He was my best friend. But the gravity of a family revolves around the mother.

 

[Krappadizzle]

My grandmother died almost 3 years ago and my mother is still not over it. I feel like she is just now coming to terms with it. I think for my mom, it made her facing her own mortality a real thing. On the upside, she's used it as motivation to get as healthy as she's probably been in 10+ years so there has been some good things to come from it. I think once my Mom is ready to do a proper memorial for my Grandmother, I think she'll finally be in a good space. I'm hopeful that happens this year sometime. Everyone comes to their own acceptance in their own way or time and it's not really for me to tell her how to process or grieve, I've just tried to be their for her when she needs it and give my opinion on it when/if she asks.

 

[Raven117]

My grandmother died almost 3 years ago and my mother is still not over it. I feel like she is just now coming to terms with it. I think for my mom, it made her facing her own mortality a real thing. On the upside, she's used it as motivation to get as healthy as she's probably been in 10+ years so there has been some good things to come from it. I think once my Mom is ready to do a proper memorial for my Grandmother, I think she'll finally be in a good space. I'm hopeful that happens this year sometime. Everyone comes to their own acceptance in their own way or time and it's not really for me to tell her how to process or grieve, I've just tried to be their for her when she needs it and give my opinion on it when/if she asks.

There is a lot here but good for you in recognizing one of the more subtle aspects of losing a parent in someone not you…. The feeling that you are much closer to death.

One just feels closer to the veil when your parents are gone.

 

[NickFire]

I pretty much lost two parents in one fell swoop. I had a stepfather who was a good bit older than my mom. We were really close (named a kid after him type of close), or at least I thought so. But a few months after her funeral I found out he changed his mind about paying for her funeral when the bill was mailed to me a couple days before my birthday. It wasn't a lack of funds either. They had millions that all went to him because the assets were jointly held. When I asked him why he didn't at least give me a heads up before doing that he blocked my number for six weeks. I'm pretty sure he was making one of his older daughters (that I did not grow up with) happy because I don't think she liked my mom and he wanted her to take care of him since I live a couple hours away. I still talk to him and will always love him because he raised me. But oh boy did I learn a quick lesson in how fake step families can be.

 

[Raven117]

I pretty much lost two parents in one fell swoop. I had a stepfather who was a good bit older than my mom. We were really close (named a kid after him type of close), or at least I thought so. But a few months after her funeral I found out he changed his mind about paying for her funeral when the bill was mailed to me a couple days before my birthday. It wasn't a lack of funds either. They had millions that all went to him because the assets were jointly held. When I asked him why he didn't at least give me a heads up before doing that he blocked my number for six weeks. I'm pretty sure he was making one of his older daughters (that I did not grow up with) happy because I don't think she liked my mom and he wanted her to take care of him since I live a couple hours away. I still talk to him and will always love him because he raised me. But oh boy did I learn a quick lesson in how fake step families can be.

Damn man…

Did your mom leave everything to him?

Look, Death also carries alot of administration after the fact. While it may seem unseemly, definitely talk about this with your parents ahead of time. What they want. Understand how wills work… and make sure the Will says what they want it to.

I had a similar issue come up as well (but was handled amicably).

This, unfortunately, is part of the whole deal.

 

[poodaddy]

I pretty much lost two parents in one fell swoop. I had a stepfather who was a good bit older than my mom. We were really close (named a kid after him type of close), or at least I thought so. But a few months after her funeral I found out he changed his mind about paying for her funeral when the bill was mailed to me a couple days before my birthday. It wasn't a lack of funds either. They had millions that all went to him because the assets were jointly held. When I asked him why he didn't at least give me a heads up before doing that he blocked my number for six weeks. I'm pretty sure he was making one of his older daughters (that I did not grow up with) happy because I don't think she liked my mom and he wanted her to take care of him since I live a couple hours away. I still talk to him and will always love him because he raised me. But oh boy did I learn a quick lesson in how fake step families can be.

What the fuck man.....

Well, I guess piggy backing on this a bit, I just lost my step dad a few months ago. He was an amazing dad, taught me everything I know about being a man, and he was just genuinely a good person. Nickname was Randy, and he was very Tennessean as you might deduce from the name. He was well loved by all, and was kind to a fault, quite literally.

He was 77. Seemed happy to me, to all of us, and we just finished speaking the day before and laughing and being horse asses. The next day he put four gallons of vodka on a table in front of him and drank until he died. Mother said he was in the fetal position, that he looked like he died in agony.

The hardest part, well two hardest parts, is that Randy died painfully, and worse than that I can't figure out why he did it. He never told us anything about how he was feeling, he seemed like the happiest, most positive guy ever. I wish I knew how he felt, I wish he would have told me so I could do something. He had PTSD from Vietnam, he was a Marine, and Mother told me it got much worse as he got older, to the extent that she refused to sleep in the same room with him due to his propensity for waking up and grabbing a loaded gun. She was afraid he would do something rash at some point, suppose she was ultimately right.

Anyway, good thread idea man. Kinda painful to write that, but also kind of nice in a weird way. I don't have any friends here to talk to about this stuff, so it's pretty much just my wife and daughter and I, and I try not to talk to them about this stuff as they have their own problems and stresses and it's not a dad's place to add to them.

 

[Raven117]

What the fuck man.....

Well, I guess piggy backing on this a bit, I just lost my step dad a few months ago. He was an amazing dad, taught me everything I know about being a man, and he was just genuinely a good person. Nickname was Randy, and he was very Tennessean as you might deduce from the name. He was well loved by all, and was kind to a fault, quite literally.

He was 77. Seemed happy to me, to all of us, and we just finished speaking the day before and laughing and being horse asses. The next day he put four gallons of vodka on a table in front of him and drank until he died. Mother said he was in the fetal position, that he looked like he died in agony.

The hardest part, well two hardest parts, is that Randy died painfully, and worse than that I can't figure out why he did it. He never told us anything about how he was feeling, he seemed like the happiest, most positive guy ever. I wish I knew how he felt, I wish he would have told me so I could do something. He had PTSD from Vietnam, he was a Marine, and Mother told me it got much worse as he got older, to the extent that she refused to sleep in the same room with him due to his propensity for waking up and grabbing a loaded gun. She was afraid he would do something rash at some point, suppose she was ultimately right.

Anyway, good thread idea man. Kinda painful to write that, but also kind of nice in a weird way. I don't have any friends here to talk to about this stuff, so it's pretty much just my wife and daughter and I, and I try not to talk to them about this stuff as they have their own problems and stresses and it's not a dad's place to add to them.

Oh man. Wow. Thats a whole other discussion about losing someone quickly versus over time.

Glad you shared. This seems like it would be incredibly confusing and disorientating. All the more complicated as I would guess you dont want to share his tragic death with others as you don't want to ruin the good memories and impressions that you and others have of him.

You also bring up another point. Resources for men's grief seem to be more limited. For example, if you just google up grief...loss of parents...etc...the results usually seem to be written by a women. Nothing of course wrong with that, but I have found that men and women very much handle grief differently. And as you pointed out, its difficult to share this with a wife and daughter.

 

[Kenpachii]

Mom died after a long battle with brain cancer and lung cancer in 2010. My dad died 2 years ago in 2022 of cancer everywhere in his body, when they found the cancer he died basically a month later. After that my last family member my aunt died 6 months later from lung cancer after 2 months of fighting it.

Mom hit me super hard i was close with her, got in some semi depression and buried the trauma with excessive work which wasn't a smart thing to do. My dad died and i was getting close with him over the last few years so also hit me like a truck.

All with all, when your parents die u basically lose a bit of your identity. People that know you your entire life and grow up with you and supported you throughout your struggles that form your identity are no longer there. It's almost like a big chunk of your life is just entirely gone and u got to now start a entire new chapter in your life that u are forced into.

As my entire family died off now, i must say sometimes it feels like standing on a planet that i have no connection with. People i care about and love are all dead.

 

[Blade2.0]

Lost my Dad in 2017. I'm the opposite of most, though. I feel bad about saying this, but I'm better off now than when he was here. He was an angry person that made me angry. I barely knew him even though I knew him for 30 years. We said the words I love you, but I only meant it about half the time. Financially we were well off because of him, but emotionally, well, you can only be called a little piece of shit when you're five by your old man so many times before you internalize it. I miss him from time to time but I also don't. I haven't been yelled at anymore like I had been before. My adult years have basically been trying to distance myself as much as I can from my upbringing. My mother isn't much better. Anyways, sorry, needed to vent. Can't talk about this with other people.

 

[Nitty_Grimes]

My dad died suddenly of a massive heart attack in 1997. There were no warning signs just got up went to the bathroom and keeled over. Dead before he hit the floor. He was 57.

 

[Peggies]

I'm dreading the day my parents die. They're both more or less healthy but ever since my dad had Corona he's gone downhill physically and even scarier, mentally. And I'm not even talking about the dad jokes that get worse.
He used to be the smartest person I knew. It's sad.

 

[Edmund]

I'm dreading the day my parents die. They're both more or less healthy but ever since my dad had Corona he's gone downhill physically and even scarier, mentally. And I'm not even talking about the dad jokes that get worse.
He used to be the smartest person I knew. It's sad.

My dad became physically frailer and mentally slow after contracting covid in 2020. He would drop food on the floor while eating not be aware of it. He used to talk quite a lot and laugh quite a lot too. Ever since he got covid, he changed a lot. He slowly displayed signs of dementia since contracting covid that worried me a ton.

He'd just eat and sleep and watch TV mostly. And then while watching the world cup together with him, he suddenly got a stroke and passed away immediately right in front of me. I'm still in shock and miss him very much.

 

[SmokedMeat]

I lost my Mom in 2017 and my Dad in 1998.
I look back on the times when my Dad and I would be taking a ride to help our cousin with a store he ran on some Saturday mornings. I was in high school, and I’d be in my own world listening to my Walkman. My Dad might ask me something or try to start a conversation, and I’d be short because I just wanted to listen to music and daydream. Man if I could go back and rip those headphones off my younger self’s head. I feel terrible about it now, but when you’re young you just don’t think that there’s going to be a time when they’re not around.

These days we’re plastered all over social media. Photos and videos galore. If I go my future grandchildren will have a lot of footage of me lol. But back when my wife and I married we just had an 8mm camcorder for videos. My kids love going back and watching old tapes of when they’re were little. I thought I’d seen all of them, and here they put on a tape where my oldest was born and came home. My Dad’s sitting on the couch with my Grandmom, and I was just on the edge of my seat hoping to God that he’d say something. I wanted to hear his voice again more than anything.

For those who have their parents around, don’t take them for granted. Take the time to call them and tell them you love them.

 

[Toots]

Great thread idea if it can helps people to unload some of their burden.
I recognize myself in a lot of what you're saying about loss and grief, especially this (though i had it a lot less hard than you, and cannot imagine how things will be when my parents are gone).

My grief often manifests as exhaustion.

I lost one of my closest friend in april last year, he was 38.
SOmetimes i think of something fun and im like "that would make him laugh", almost as if there was a second i forget he's gone, and it hits me. And i feel really tired. Too tired to talk to people, too tired to fight back the tears. Just too tired.
Also in a more practical way, I found it a lot easier, especially at work, to tell people that you're tired when they ask "why the long face ?". Pro tip if you want to be left alone, start telling your coworkers you're sad because you best friend died and you cannot for the life of you make any sense out of it, they won't ask you twice

 

[Aesius]

Sorry to everyone in here who has lost a parent. I lost my dad in Sept. 2020, just 6 weeks before I had my first son. When my son arrived, it was the most bittersweet time of my life. I had been pretty stoic about things until my wife was in labor in the delivery room, and then I started crying uncontrollably. I could not compose myself whatsoever.

It was so hard because my dad desperately wanted to be a grandfather, and I felt partially like it was my fault that he missed his chance because A) I waited a long time to propose to my wife and B) we waited a few more years after getting married to have kids. If I had moved the timeline up even one year, he would have had time with his grandson.

All with all, when your parents die u basically lose a bit of your identity. People that know you your entire life and grow up with you and supported you throughout your struggles that form your identity are no longer there. It's almost like a big chunk of your life is just entirely gone and u got to now start a entire new chapter in your life that u are forced into.

This is so true. My dad videotaped my birth (from a distance, lol). He was there the second I was born and was the kindest, funniest, and most supportive dad ever. He loved me and was proud of me. The fact that he's gone--GONE--from this existence is still something I have trouble wrapping my head around. In some ways, I feel like he's just a missing person. How can he be gone? He's one of three people on this planet who loved me for me 100%.

My mom is still here and healthy, and the third person who loved me is my grandmother, my dad's mom (both of my mom's parents were dead when I was born). She's 92 years old and lives in a nursing home and is becoming more and more senile every day. I'm in mid-30s with two kids, a wife, a house, etc., and yet the idea of being down to just one person who has loved me since I was born is terrifying. And then when my mom goes, that's it.

I have a great marriage and I know my wife loves me, but it's not the same. Marriage isn't unconditional love no matter what anyone says. Having kids puts it all into perspective because now I have to be their shield against the world the same way my dad was for me. It's the natural order of things, but it's hard to accept sometimes.

 

[John Marston]

The next day he put four gallons of vodka on a table in front of him and drank until he died. Mother said he was in the fetal position, that he looked like he died in agony.

Back in 2008 my mom's neighbor made me executor of his will upon his passing.
He was a kind well educated man in his early 80's.
He had no family left except for a nephew he didn't like.
I would help him out with mundane stuff like fixing his TV settings or doing small errands for him. We would talk about the latest hockey game.

My mom thought this was a great way to "practice" for when her turn came (And boy was she right)

One evening in 2012 I get a call from the hospital to go identify his body.
He had drank himself to death.

An orderly led me to a small room and pulled a curtain to let me in.
It was clear he did not pass away peacefully.
His dentures were removed, his eyes closed. His face was frozen as if he died in the middle of a shriek, with his mouth forming a huge elongated "O".

I also remember that very specific smell. The smell of death (I think?) which is hard to describe but very distinct.

I was overwhelmed with sympathy, rested my hand on his forehead & left after a minute.

I took care of his Estate like a guard dog and made sure all his wishes were met

 

[IntentionalPun]

I stopped having older relatives in my early 30s. No grandparents, aunts, uncles, mom, dad.

I imagine having an enormous amount of loss in my teens and twenties probably fucked me up but at least they also abused me while they were alive, so I’ll always have those memories!

 

[Raven117]

All with all, when your parents die u basically lose a bit of your identity. People that know you your entire life and grow up with you and supported you throughout your struggles that form your identity are no longer there. It's almost like a big chunk of your life is just entirely gone and u got to now start a entire new chapter in your life that u are forced into.

This. This is what I mean when I say you can be "whole" but you are never put together the same way again. It feels like a whole other volume.

Great thread idea if it can helps people to unload some of their burden.
I recognize myself in a lot of what you're saying about loss and grief, especially this (though i had it a lot less hard than you, and cannot imagine how things will be when my parents are gone).

I lost one of my closest friend in april last year, he was 38.
SOmetimes i think of something fun and im like "that would make him laugh", almost as if there was a second i forget he's gone, and it hits me. And i feel really tired. Too tired to talk to people, too tired to fight back the tears. Just too tired.
Also in a more practical way, I found it a lot easier, especially at work, to tell people that you're tired when they ask "why the long face ?". Pro tip if you want to be left alone, start telling your coworkers you're sad because you best friend died and you cannot for the life of you make any sense out of it, they won't ask you twice

Maybe I'll ask the Mods to Tag Line this OT as Dead Parent(s) Society - And All Others Who Grieve.

Sorry to everyone in here who has lost a parent. I lost my dad in Sept. 2020, just 6 weeks before I had my first son. When my son arrived, it was the most bittersweet time of my life. I had been pretty stoic about things until my wife was in labor in the delivery room, and then I started crying uncontrollably. I could not compose myself whatsoever.

It was so hard because my dad desperately wanted to be a grandfather, and I felt partially like it was my fault that he missed his chance because A) I waited a long time to propose to my wife and B) we waited a few more years after getting married to have kids. If I had moved the timeline up even one year, he would have had time with his grandson.



This is so true. My dad videotaped my birth (from a distance, lol). He was there the second I was born and was the kindest, funniest, and most supportive dad ever. He loved me and was proud of me. The fact that he's gone--GONE--from this existence is still something I have trouble wrapping my head around. In some ways, I feel like he's just a missing person. How can he be gone? He's one of three people on this planet who loved me for me 100%.

My mom is still here and healthy, and the third person who loved me is my grandmother, my dad's mom (both of my mom's parents were dead when I was born). She's 92 years old and lives in a nursing home and is becoming more and more senile every day. I'm in mid-30s with two kids, a wife, a house, etc., and yet the idea of being down to just one person who has loved me since I was born is terrifying. And then when my mom goes, that's it.

I have a great marriage and I know my wife loves me, but it's not the same. Marriage isn't unconditional love no matter what anyone says. Having kids puts it all into perspective because now I have to be their shield against the world the same way my dad was for me. It's the natural order of things, but it's hard to accept sometimes.

I felt this post, man. For me, I'm moving in with my girlfriend in the next month. Its like I'm moving beyond his sight now. (ie, my life is moving on). Perhaps that is what you are also feeling?

Yes, it is the natural order of things (because damn, on the hierarchy of grief, losing a child reigns supreme in optimal pain, thats not the natural order), but that doesn't make it easier. Ive had to remind myself of the following quote many many times while grieving when you hear "well, he/she had a good life" or "thats the natural order (both of which are true for my dad, at least)," Your head may know that but your heart doesn't..

Back in 2008 my mom's neighbor made me executor of his will upon his passing.
He was a kind well educated man in his early 80's.
He had no family left except for a nephew he didn't like.
I would help him out with mundane stuff like fixing his TV settings or doing small errands for him. We would talk about the latest hockey game.

My mom thought this was a great way to "practice" for when her turn came (And boy was she right)

One evening in 2012 I get a call from the hospital to go identify his body.
He had drank himself to death.

An orderly led me to a small room and pulled a curtain to let me in.
It was clear he did not pass away peacefully.
His dentures were removed, his eyes closed. His face was frozen as if he died in the middle of a shriek, with his mouth forming a huge elongated "O".

I also remember that very specific smell. The smell of death (I think?) which is hard to describe but very distinct.

I was overwhelmed with sympathy, rested my hand on his forehead & left after a minute.

I took care of his Estate like a guard dog and made sure all his wishes were met

Dude, you are a really good person.

I stopped having older relatives in my early 30s. No grandparents, aunts, uncles, mom, dad.

I imagine having an enormous amount of loss in my teens and twenties probably fucked me up but at least they also abused me while they were alive, so I’ll always have those memories!

I think you meant this as some dark comedy, but I definitely laughed. (I do hope you have found a way to move past the abuse).

But to your point, the passing of parents can be complicated. For me, I had wonderful loving parents, but for others, it can be far more complicated.

 

[IntentionalPun]

But to your point, the passing of parents can be complicated. For me, I had wonderful loving parents, but for others, it can be far more complicated.

Complicated for sure. I had decided to disown my mother the same week she called to say she had cancer. Couldn’t bring myself to do anything other than be there for her and take her to appointments, etc. She continued to be an asshole to me right up until the last couple of months. Like I finally knew what it was like to have a loving parent who said the basics “I love you,”. “I’m proud of you.”

Almost think it would have been better to just not have that time with her.

 

[Bulletzen72]

My father died last year. I'm a single father myself to a six year old girl. I was informed that dad was in a bad way in hospital and that this would be it.
We both went up across the country to see him in the hospital and spend time with him.
He still had that spark in his eyes and would converse easily, but it was terminal cancer. Me and my daughter spend hours with him each day.
The problem was that my daughter's birthday was the 20th of June and she wanted to be with her friends back home. The plan was that we would go back home and that my ex would take my daughter for the party and I would immediately return to dad.
I would miss the party and my daughter was fine with that. And straight after the party my ex and my daughter would go back up north to see me and see out my dads final days.

As the train pulled up to my home city I got the call that my dad passed. In the span of 5 hours from last being with him he had gone. He was lucid and laughing and and about to eat a lunch of chicken broth and then 5 hours later he was gone.

I wasn't there for him. He died on the same day as my daughters birthday. I didn't let her know about it, and just pretended everything was fine.

I'm still processing and it has almost been a year.

 

[poodaddy]

Back in 2008 my mom's neighbor made me executor of his will upon his passing.
He was a kind well educated man in his early 80's.
He had no family left except for a nephew he didn't like.
I would help him out with mundane stuff like fixing his TV settings or doing small errands for him. We would talk about the latest hockey game.

My mom thought this was a great way to "practice" for when her turn came (And boy was she right)

One evening in 2012 I get a call from the hospital to go identify his body.
He had drank himself to death.

An orderly led me to a small room and pulled a curtain to let me in.
It was clear he did not pass away peacefully.
His dentures were removed, his eyes closed. His face was frozen as if he died in the middle of a shriek, with his mouth forming a huge elongated "O".

I also remember that very specific smell. The smell of death (I think?) which is hard to describe but very distinct.

I was overwhelmed with sympathy, rested my hand on his forehead & left after a minute.

I took care of his Estate like a guard dog and made sure all his wishes were met

Jesus man.

I wonder what goes through someone's head when they decide to end it like that....why like that? Maybe they think it will be painless, that it will numb your pain due to the alcohol.... clearly that isn't the case based on your and my mother's description of their faces and bodies.

I'm sorry you went through that brother. For what it's worth, his life would have been immeasurably worse without you in it, so take solace in that. He was clearly hurting, just like Randy was, but at least he had you. Randy didn't even have me near the end, and I feel like shit about that. I mean we spoke often, but he lived on the opposite side of the country so I couldn't be more involved than I was. He loved my daughter so much, always talked about how he couldn't wait to see her again, but who was to know he was gonna clock himself out? So confusing...
Thanks for sharing brother.

 

[Raven117]

Complicated for sure. I had decided to disown my mother the same week she called to say she had cancer. Couldn’t bring myself to do anything other than be there for her and take her to appointments, etc. She continued to be an asshole to me right up until the last couple of months. Like I finally knew what it was like to have a loving parent who said the basics “I love you,”. “I’m proud of you.”

Almost think it would have been better to just not have that time with her.

Not that you asked me, but in the cosmic universe, you did the right thing. You should be proud of yourself. Even under the best of circumstances, it takes alot to be the caretaker of a dying parent. To be there for them with a complicated relationship makes it all the more difficult. You are a hero.

As the train pulled up to my home city I got the call that my dad passed. In the span of 5 hours from last being with him he had gone. He was lucid and laughing and and about to eat a lunch of chicken broth and then 5 hours later he was gone.

I wasn't there for him. He died on the same day as my daughters birthday.

Man, I'm right there with you and can't help but think about it alot.

With me, we made the decision to finally put him on hospice care. We didn't know how long he would last, but no one thought it would be very long. We made that call on a Sunday. That Monday, I spent almost all day with him. Just chatting, doing some of the administration stuff to get him moved from the hospital to hospice. We joked, we laughed. Plenty of smiles. He still had an iron grip. Spoke of family. Of futures. Of life. Nothing felt dark or ominous. It was light and warm. Over the previous 5 months, we had a lot of in depth conversations, so its not like we had a ton of ground to cover on the whole "this is the last conversation" kind of thing. (I was very lucky to have had plenty of time over months with him).

I left him at 7:30 that evening after he basically kicked me out (which he often did, that was not new). As always, I told him I loved him. when I was leaving. He said the same and to "take care." I glanced back over my shoulder and he just smiled and waived.

I got the call at about 9:20 that he was gone.

I know my father, and I know he would not have wanted me (or anyone else) there in the end. But its still hard to know that I wasn't there.

My point in telling you that is that maybe your father felt the same. Would rather have had a warm and loving last time with you rather than dying in front of you. A last act of protection.

 

[John Marston]

I wasn't there for him. He died on the same day as my daughters birthday.
I'm still processing and it has almost been a year.

Randy didn't even have me near the end, and I feel like shit about that.

My mom died of Covid in May 2020 & I couldn't be there for her. Visitors weren't allowed in her nursing home.
She died alone under horrific conditions.

Here we are 4 years later & I still think about this everyday.
Over time my guilt has lessened a bit but my feeling of helplessness and rage over how our government mishandled this situation remain.

We can't beat ourselves over the head with "what ifs", although it's easier said than done.
What helps is over time my focus has shifted to thinking about good memories with my mom and taking small solace in knowing her suffering has ended (Before Covid finished her off she had been living with dementia the last 5 years).

Just saying you are not alone with those conflicting feelings & I give both of you a big manly hug

 

[StreetsofBeige]

I've been lucky in life (so far).

Anyone close to me (fam, friends, coworkers) have not passed away yet. Ya, some people I knew of in high school (or heard from the grapevine from FB friends) and some uncles and aunts who I wouldnt even recognize if I past them on the street since I met them twice in my life have died. And one coworker I sat beside 20 years ago died shortly after I left the company.

But my parents are in their 80s and all my siblings are ballpark about 60 years old. All my close friends are roughly 40-50. My good friend and coworker had her old boss suddenly die from a heart attack and he was only around 45. So it's got to a point in life time anyone can go.

I'm not sure how I will react when there is someone close to me who dies.

 

[DGrayson]

Orphan checking in.

 

[ForAcademicPurposes]

I was orphaned after being a few weeks old. I don't even know who my parents are.

 

[CGNoire]

My mom died 6 years ago. I miss her terribly, but I will see her again.

Same.....6 years.

 

[AJUMP23]

Same.....6 years.

Are you my brother?

 

[Vyse]

Dad died of a cardiac embolism when I was in college. It was extremely devastating and I was a mess for a while. Good friends helped me through.

Mom died just before Covid. So strange that I did a trip to NY with my wife and daughter to see her. Went home and two weeks later I was back eulogizing her at her funeral. It was surreal.

Not to pile on, but I also lost two siblings. My sister died in an automobile accident when I was in HS. My brother OD’d a few years before my Mom passed.

My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who has lost a loved one. It’s super hard, but gets easier over time.

 

[Raven117]

Dad died of a cardiac embolism when I was in college. It was extremely devastating and I was a mess for a while. Good friends helped me through.

Mom died just before Covid. So strange that I did a trip to NY with my wife and daughter to see her. Went home and two weeks later I was back eulogizing her at her funeral. It was surreal.

Not to pile on, but I also lost two siblings. My sister died in an automobile accident when I was in HS. My brother OD’d a few years before my Mom passed.

My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who has lost a loved one. It’s super hard, but gets easier over time.

Goodness gracious. I can’t even imagine.

 

[Bulletzen72]

Someone gifted me a gold membership after I made my post in this thread. I just wanted to say thank you. That was very kind of you.

 

[j0hnnix]

lost my mother back in 2021, I don't think I've actually even healed from it all, I was caring for her up until the last minute.

All I have to my name now is my son. That's pretty much the only thing, next to my loving gf that keeps me every morning driving my truck into a tree at 80mph.

 

[RavageX]

Lost my parents, dad first mostly due to old age. It was expected but nothing prepares you for the after years.

Then lost my mom a couple years after my dad. Completely unexpected, was talking to her the night before while heading home from work like I usually would, get a call the next day that she had passed in her sleep.

No matter how I think on it, im glad it was in her sleep. I dont think i could have dealt with her being in pain or any of that. My dad went through a lot before he passed, multiple strokes and many other issues. The last stroke he had took his speech, and it was clear he had given up completely after that.

Its been about 3 years(est)but i feel empty. I dont know how else to describe it. I feel nothing like the person i used to be and it feels like every day Im less and less.

The passage of time irrelevant....still feels the same, the loss. Some of the pain has eased.

I have other siblings....im the youngest but no one really talks. Passing convos or the usual, "How have you been?".

I really dont know what to say honestly. I try to live in a way that would make them proud. The world feels a lot colder without them.

I feel for all of you in this thread.

 

[Raven117]

Well, just hit the year anniversary today of losing my dad and officially being an orphan (technically correct).

Just letting myself feel it today.

 

[Puscifer]

Been a little over a month since my mom's passing. Being in the room with her when she passed was easily the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced personally.

A friend of mine was telling me about his experience being in LA when Michael Jackson died and it was like my mind went somewhere for several minutes and I just relived when I was holding her leg when she took her last 2 breathes and I went silent while all my sister's screamed and cried in agony for 5 minutes and I was just at a stand still hearing the machine beeping and it wasn't until the nurses, who did an amazing job taking care of her during those final days, came in to take what they needed that reality came back and I just couldn't do anything but thank them, the repeated 6 beeps from the monitoring system are burned into my memory. It was like a scene from a movie but it wasn't, it was reality and the bargaining and denial of reality is real and was for those moments.

I've reached for the phone, started text messages, stayed up late thinking about her, been into silly organic grocery stores that she used to make fun of me for shopping at, stood in front of her funeral program with her photos just staring for minutes at a time.

If it wasn't for the combo of psych medications my Dr gave me and working out and going for walks constantly at random times I would've lost it. On the plus side, I haven't been to my Orthodox Church in months so it was kind of the spark I needed to darken the door again.I've cursed at God and asked why did he take her often.

One thing I've taken solace in and that's making me feel better is knowing she went with dignity, I talked with some people about it and found out it's not often that hospitals take care of patients like they did her. Mom really got treated well and went without pain, the nurses kept her lips and skin moisturizered so she looked decent and didn't have "that look," she looked like our Mom with her beautiful skin that naturally had her entire life that she took care of.

The Drs beside manner was incredible, I think it came from the fact he had so many similarities to our family: 6 kids, 3 boys, 3 girls, 2 of the boys even being twins like his, him and his wife were within range of our Mom and Dad, they even had a small dog like her. He stopped several times discussing the pain management to say "she really had six 6 children with a pair of boy twins, huh?" And stating that he wanted to give her the care he'd want for his own wife. And I believe it, the fighting her body was doing openly stopped and the pain care was consistent.

That's likely the most I've said about her in a month and it's on a forum, I'm working on using my insurance to get us some family therapy. Shit sucks man.

 

[Ownage]

Lost my dad on March 4th. There's now a big gap in my life with him gone. I'll miss talking about politics and psychology with him.

 

[Raven117]

Lost my dad on March 4th. There's now a big gap in my life with him gone. I'll miss talking about politics and psychology with him.

Man, same. I spoke to my dad daily. (On my drive home from work… nothing else to do). Did it since my mom died.

 

[Raven117]

Been a little over a month since my mom's passing. Being in the room with her when she passed was easily the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced personally.

A friend of mine was telling me about his experience being in LA when Michael Jackson died and it was like my mind went somewhere for several minutes and I just relived when I was holding her leg when she took her last 2 breathes and I went silent while all my sister's screamed and cried in agony for 5 minutes and I was just at a stand still hearing the machine beeping and it wasn't until the nurses, who did an amazing job taking care of her during those final days, came in to take what they needed that reality came back and I just couldn't do anything but thank them, the repeated 6 beeps from the monitoring system are burned into my memory. It was like a scene from a movie but it wasn't, it was reality and the bargaining and denial of reality is real and was for those moments.

I've reached for the phone, started text messages, stayed up late thinking about her, been into silly organic grocery stores that she used to make fun of me for shopping at, stood in front of her funeral program with her photos just staring for minutes at a time.

If it wasn't for the combo of psych medications my Dr gave me and working out and going for walks constantly at random times I would've lost it. On the plus side, I haven't been to my Orthodox Church in months so it was kind of the spark I needed to darken the door again.I've cursed at God and asked why did he take her often.

One thing I've taken solace in and that's making me feel better is knowing she went with dignity, I talked with some people about it and found out it's not often that hospitals take care of patients like they did her. Mom really got treated well and went without pain, the nurses kept her lips and skin moisturizered so she looked decent and didn't have "that look," she looked like our Mom with her beautiful skin that naturally had her entire life that she took care of.

The Drs beside manner was incredible, I think it came from the fact he had so many similarities to our family: 6 kids, 3 boys, 3 girls, 2 of the boys even being twins like his, him and his wife were within range of our Mom and Dad, they even had a small dog like her. He stopped several times discussing the pain management to say "she really had six 6 children with a pair of boy twins, huh?" And stating that he wanted to give her the care he'd want for his own wife. And I believe it, the fighting her body was doing openly stopped and the pain care was consistent.

That's likely the most I've said about her in a month and it's on a forum, I'm working on using my insurance to get us some family therapy. Shit sucks man.

Oh man… this is freakin tough. That’s a lot to carry (especially with your sisters there).

Good on you for recognizing that talking to a professional may help give you and yours a little direction.

But bro, this is what this thread is for. Friends who haven’t gone through this, bless their hearts, are useless (if not irritating).

I too take a lot of comfort in how my dad went. This can’t be understated that you have recognized that in fact there can be comfort found in how they went (I have alot of sympathy for those who don’t have this comfort).

That’s not silly at all looking a pictures and going to the same organic grocery store. I just got back from the hospital where my dad died. I just went to talk around. Don’t know why. I suppose because it was my last memory of him alive.

Glad you stopped in and wrote something. I’m sure it’s all still very “foggy.”

The first month, I was absolutely exhausted with grief. I had nothing in the tank other than to go to work… work out… home.

 

[Bitmap Frogs]

full member since I was 20 years old...

24 years later I still miss them

I'm still pained about it - I can talk about them and reminisce without tearing, but to be frank I don't know how much I'll participate beyond this

pain is pain, even if it is old and covered with scar tissue

to those going through it right now - you have all the love my heart has to give, and words of advice: do not go through it alone, no matter how strong you think you are! I wanted to do it (strained family relationships) but 6 months before it happened i was already drained out and a husk

edit: I eventually called family and I'm glad I did...

 

[Cyberpunkd]

I talk very sparsely with my father, more with my mother, but not much. They are nearing their 70th birthday, both in below average / bad shape (no sport, alcohol, bad diet). I know it's coming, I know it will suck. I will probably feel like shit after my father's passing despite not speaking a lot all my life (my father is not this kind of guy). Mother's passing will just make the world a lot less interesting.

 

[OmegaSupreme]

Lost my father to leukemia six years ago. Life is different once you lose a parent. My father was my best friend. I think about him pretty much every day. Good man. My world is less without him in it. I'm sad my daughter barely got to know him.

My mother is still around which I'm grateful for. She's had several bouts with cancer in recent years but I'm hopeful she'll be around for a long time yet.

 

[Puscifer]

Thought of this thread

I dreamed my Mom was hugged me last night when I was sleeping, felt real, I could feel her hands grasp mine and smell her naturally sweet scent while she told me she's proud of me and to keep going

She's happy

 

[DeVeAn]

My Grandmother passed all alone and no one knew. Stubborn and strong willed. I was the only family member that kept in touch and flew out to see her a year ago. Estranged uncle shows up and now I just left out...Hurts like nothing else.

 

[Puscifer]

My dad's in hospice


I really can't believe this fucking year

 

[Lunarorbit]

My mom was in hospice almost 10 years ago. I'm the last one left in my family

 

[Darkmakaimura]

Both my mother and father are dead. My mother died in 1994 from cancer and my father just recently died on November 19th 2022. It's been extremely hard without him here and unfortunately I'm now living with a violent transgender roommate who literally wants me dead among other issues.