I'll try my best to keep this not ridiculously long, but I essentially just want an unbiased POV on whether or not my SO [20M] emotionally cheated on me, or if perhaps I was being too insecure and jealous about the situation. If it matters I'm a 19 year old male.
My SO and I started dating about two and a half months ago but were friends for eight months prior, and even became best friends towards the latter of those eight months which is when we realized we both actually had strong romantic feelings for each other. I always knew I liked him and we fooled around on a somewhat consistent basis throughout our friendship but he had a lot of serious issues in his life (including mental illness) in addition to a somewhat recent relationship he was still dealing with a lot of damage from.
From the very get-go of just being friends with him I always sensed something was just off. He lied quite a bit, would humor things like us possibly going out on a date and then later shut it down and put me in the friend zone (prior to hooking up for the first time he told me he was excited to "hang out with a gay dude and have it be non-sexual", yet it turned sexual which made me think he had feelings for me which he vehemently denied and got upset at me for getting upset about him seemingly leading me on the day after). During our friendship I also noticed that he had quite a few casual relationships with guys that he would deny to me, and when I mentioned them to him he'd lie about them despite me seeing him have PDA with other dudes on our campus. These "casual relationships" would always go sour however from what I observed as he would make the guy think they were something they weren't and then the guy would get upset and stop talking to him once they saw he had casual things with other guys and wouldn't commit. He essentially led them on.
Flash forward to the start of our relationship, everything was perfect. Despite him treating me questionably during our friendship he convinced me that he was just lost and it was a rough patch in his life that clouded his judgement. It was like a fresh start, and we loved each other as best friends and as each other's SO.
It was a bit long distance however as despite us going to the same university we started dating immediately after school ended, we made it official on our first date that we met up in the city for. We were together for about four days consecutively in the city about a week after our first date, however things started going wrong in his life soon after.
I won't get into details however a friend that was interested in him (that my SO seemingly led on) did something absolutely terrible to spite him for dating me, he was mentally ill besides and it wasn't my SO's fault however it effected him quite a bit and definitely let distance grow between us. We had (expensive) plans in NYC I arranged for my birthday soon after this happened that he bailed on at the last minute with what I found out was an illegitimate excuse after the fact, a few weeks later he slept through our plans to attend NYC pride and stay in the city for a few days together (at this point I started getting very upset and aggravated as he was hanging out with all his friends back home at this point, just not me. I also wasted quite a but of money on him again with him flaking in addition to him having me wait on him for four hours at the train station) and to make it all worse it started becoming apparent that his excuses for not hanging out with me were all half-truths.
Our relationship became more and more rocky as he was consistently fucking up but, me being naive, decided to stay with him since we still loved each other. Once I realized he had no real excuse to not see me or even talk to me on the phone however I started pushing him as I just couldn't understand why he didn't want to see me when he was going out of his way to hang out with other people, he even gave up his summer job just to hangout with his friends for two days. We got into quite a few bad fights over it, as I didn't think I was asking for a lot but he insisted I was due to the current state of his life and it ended up with him breaking up with me in a text message.
A day later he came back, messaged me apologizing and proclaiming that he's just having problems with the "guilt that he feels for treating me so badly". He agrees to treat me better and I agree to be more understanding, as at this time he was very unstable mentally and still having quite a few major issues pop up in his life. I was being as supportive as I could be, even staying in two nights during my vacation to comfort him when he was texting me about his depression but it always went unappreciated and he always found fault in me no matter what I did. Given he did warn me that he's "mentally unstable/ill" due to all the traumatic events occurring in his life right now, a task I told him I could take up however it became too much for me when he still refused to call me or see me, and it all came to a head when he cheated on me, emotionally for sure.
About two days after a fight we had that left us in the best shape I felt we'd been in relationship-wise in awhile I found out on social media that he was in NYC, the city I'm only 20 minutes away from that I'd been asking him to hang out in for the past two months. I immediately asked if he was okay and if something had happened to which he told me "yeah I'm fine", which I got upset about because if he was just in the city to hangout then I didn't see why he couldn't come down to see me. My intuition was reading really bad vibes and I ended up being right.
I pushed him on why he wouldn't see me, and why he was already bailing on the concert plans we had in a week in NYC that we made together two months ago. However instead of us coming to some sort of compromise besides his excuse of "not wanting to do anything before he knows what he wants for the long term" he broke up with me, again, in a text. We again reconciled the next day and got back together however. Things were fine and it seemed like we were back on track to taking baby steps towards us being in a happy relationship again, because despite the way he treated me every time I showed I was at my width's end with him he'd switch his tune and convince me to stay because I was one of a kind and he needed me.
Two days after this I again find out on social media that he's still in NYC. Note that he didn't tell me he was even going and didn't tell me he'd be staying for more than a few days. It wasn't that I needed to know his business either, I just found it troubling that he was keeping this from me, especially when he knew I was operating under the assumption that he was back home. I confronted him about it and he told me he was staying with his friend Paul in the city for a few days to escape his family arguing. I look up Paul and he's a single gay dude he friended on facebook a month ago. Our relationship wasn't in good shape at this point nor were we on great terms so I nonchalantly asked if he was seeing him and he instantly got defensive and turned it around on me, trying to make me feel bad for asking. I tell him that even if he didn't physically cheat on me he emotionally did since he didn't tell me anything about his family arguing so badly that he needed to leave (he in fact lied about it since I did ask him what was wrong when I found out he was in NYC and he said nothing was wrong) but chose to go travel to another city to confide in this guy instead, this guy that he obviously got close enough to stay with and emotionally invested in while we were dating since they only knew each other for a month.
I ripped into him and broke up with him because I was so hurt, I felt like I was being treated like his backup boyfriend and playing second fiddle to this guy he was staying with. Especially considering he wasn't even going to tell me he was staying in NYC with him had I not pressed it. I also correctly assumed that he was shitting on our relationship HE wanted me to stay in so bad with Paul as he broke up with me in that text after I pushed us hanging out further the first day he hung out with Paul in the city. He got so offended by my claims that he emotionally cheated on me/breaking up with him that he unfriended me on facebook and told me to "never message me again". Given my messages were kind of fucked up because I was so fed up I wasn't surprised but he still thought he did nothing wrong by not seeing me in two months, emotionally investing in a single gay dude behind my back during that time, going to NYC to escape his issues with him, and confiding in him rather than me, while he's dating me. In addition to shitting on our relationship with him and keeping him being in NYC with him secret from me.
I text him the next day doubling down on what I said which he mistook for me regretting what I said and wanting to be together, as he still was convinced he did nothing wrong. I spelled out everything for him and why it's wrong as well as I could while trying (and mostly failing) to keep my cool however it just ended up with him getting offended and defensive, refusing to take blame for anything.
As of right now I deleted his number and have no plans of going back, however I just wanted an unbiased perspective to reassure me that I have a right to be as upset as I am about his actions. He truly got inside my head in our last conversation and made me feel like the bad guy for accusing him of emotional cheating, as he told me he "was just seeking refuge away from his problems, not getting close to another guy" and that I'm "cruel" for accusing him of emotionally cheating on me.
Also just to note, I went as far as to block him on all social media after I went on Paul's facebook page the day we had our last conversation and saw a new post from him boasting about buying my SO a $500 train pass for the month of August to come down and see him. That truly showed me that my SO just has no respect for me and was going on as if he was single the entire time we were dating. And furthermore convinced me that he truly does need serious professional help if he thinks this kind of behavior is appropriate in a relationship, especially given our circumstances.
My SO and I started dating about two and a half months ago but were friends for eight months prior, and even became best friends towards the latter of those eight months which is when we realized we both actually had strong romantic feelings for each other. I always knew I liked him and we fooled around on a somewhat consistent basis throughout our friendship but he had a lot of serious issues in his life (including mental illness) in addition to a somewhat recent relationship he was still dealing with a lot of damage from.
From the very get-go of just being friends with him I always sensed something was just off. He lied quite a bit, would humor things like us possibly going out on a date and then later shut it down and put me in the friend zone (prior to hooking up for the first time he told me he was excited to "hang out with a gay dude and have it be non-sexual", yet it turned sexual which made me think he had feelings for me which he vehemently denied and got upset at me for getting upset about him seemingly leading me on the day after). During our friendship I also noticed that he had quite a few casual relationships with guys that he would deny to me, and when I mentioned them to him he'd lie about them despite me seeing him have PDA with other dudes on our campus. These "casual relationships" would always go sour however from what I observed as he would make the guy think they were something they weren't and then the guy would get upset and stop talking to him once they saw he had casual things with other guys and wouldn't commit. He essentially led them on.
Flash forward to the start of our relationship, everything was perfect. Despite him treating me questionably during our friendship he convinced me that he was just lost and it was a rough patch in his life that clouded his judgement. It was like a fresh start, and we loved each other as best friends and as each other's SO.
It was a bit long distance however as despite us going to the same university we started dating immediately after school ended, we made it official on our first date that we met up in the city for. We were together for about four days consecutively in the city about a week after our first date, however things started going wrong in his life soon after.
I won't get into details however a friend that was interested in him (that my SO seemingly led on) did something absolutely terrible to spite him for dating me, he was mentally ill besides and it wasn't my SO's fault however it effected him quite a bit and definitely let distance grow between us. We had (expensive) plans in NYC I arranged for my birthday soon after this happened that he bailed on at the last minute with what I found out was an illegitimate excuse after the fact, a few weeks later he slept through our plans to attend NYC pride and stay in the city for a few days together (at this point I started getting very upset and aggravated as he was hanging out with all his friends back home at this point, just not me. I also wasted quite a but of money on him again with him flaking in addition to him having me wait on him for four hours at the train station) and to make it all worse it started becoming apparent that his excuses for not hanging out with me were all half-truths.
Our relationship became more and more rocky as he was consistently fucking up but, me being naive, decided to stay with him since we still loved each other. Once I realized he had no real excuse to not see me or even talk to me on the phone however I started pushing him as I just couldn't understand why he didn't want to see me when he was going out of his way to hang out with other people, he even gave up his summer job just to hangout with his friends for two days. We got into quite a few bad fights over it, as I didn't think I was asking for a lot but he insisted I was due to the current state of his life and it ended up with him breaking up with me in a text message.
A day later he came back, messaged me apologizing and proclaiming that he's just having problems with the "guilt that he feels for treating me so badly". He agrees to treat me better and I agree to be more understanding, as at this time he was very unstable mentally and still having quite a few major issues pop up in his life. I was being as supportive as I could be, even staying in two nights during my vacation to comfort him when he was texting me about his depression but it always went unappreciated and he always found fault in me no matter what I did. Given he did warn me that he's "mentally unstable/ill" due to all the traumatic events occurring in his life right now, a task I told him I could take up however it became too much for me when he still refused to call me or see me, and it all came to a head when he cheated on me, emotionally for sure.
About two days after a fight we had that left us in the best shape I felt we'd been in relationship-wise in awhile I found out on social media that he was in NYC, the city I'm only 20 minutes away from that I'd been asking him to hang out in for the past two months. I immediately asked if he was okay and if something had happened to which he told me "yeah I'm fine", which I got upset about because if he was just in the city to hangout then I didn't see why he couldn't come down to see me. My intuition was reading really bad vibes and I ended up being right.
I pushed him on why he wouldn't see me, and why he was already bailing on the concert plans we had in a week in NYC that we made together two months ago. However instead of us coming to some sort of compromise besides his excuse of "not wanting to do anything before he knows what he wants for the long term" he broke up with me, again, in a text. We again reconciled the next day and got back together however. Things were fine and it seemed like we were back on track to taking baby steps towards us being in a happy relationship again, because despite the way he treated me every time I showed I was at my width's end with him he'd switch his tune and convince me to stay because I was one of a kind and he needed me.
Two days after this I again find out on social media that he's still in NYC. Note that he didn't tell me he was even going and didn't tell me he'd be staying for more than a few days. It wasn't that I needed to know his business either, I just found it troubling that he was keeping this from me, especially when he knew I was operating under the assumption that he was back home. I confronted him about it and he told me he was staying with his friend Paul in the city for a few days to escape his family arguing. I look up Paul and he's a single gay dude he friended on facebook a month ago. Our relationship wasn't in good shape at this point nor were we on great terms so I nonchalantly asked if he was seeing him and he instantly got defensive and turned it around on me, trying to make me feel bad for asking. I tell him that even if he didn't physically cheat on me he emotionally did since he didn't tell me anything about his family arguing so badly that he needed to leave (he in fact lied about it since I did ask him what was wrong when I found out he was in NYC and he said nothing was wrong) but chose to go travel to another city to confide in this guy instead, this guy that he obviously got close enough to stay with and emotionally invested in while we were dating since they only knew each other for a month.
I ripped into him and broke up with him because I was so hurt, I felt like I was being treated like his backup boyfriend and playing second fiddle to this guy he was staying with. Especially considering he wasn't even going to tell me he was staying in NYC with him had I not pressed it. I also correctly assumed that he was shitting on our relationship HE wanted me to stay in so bad with Paul as he broke up with me in that text after I pushed us hanging out further the first day he hung out with Paul in the city. He got so offended by my claims that he emotionally cheated on me/breaking up with him that he unfriended me on facebook and told me to "never message me again". Given my messages were kind of fucked up because I was so fed up I wasn't surprised but he still thought he did nothing wrong by not seeing me in two months, emotionally investing in a single gay dude behind my back during that time, going to NYC to escape his issues with him, and confiding in him rather than me, while he's dating me. In addition to shitting on our relationship with him and keeping him being in NYC with him secret from me.
I text him the next day doubling down on what I said which he mistook for me regretting what I said and wanting to be together, as he still was convinced he did nothing wrong. I spelled out everything for him and why it's wrong as well as I could while trying (and mostly failing) to keep my cool however it just ended up with him getting offended and defensive, refusing to take blame for anything.
As of right now I deleted his number and have no plans of going back, however I just wanted an unbiased perspective to reassure me that I have a right to be as upset as I am about his actions. He truly got inside my head in our last conversation and made me feel like the bad guy for accusing him of emotional cheating, as he told me he "was just seeking refuge away from his problems, not getting close to another guy" and that I'm "cruel" for accusing him of emotionally cheating on me.
Also just to note, I went as far as to block him on all social media after I went on Paul's facebook page the day we had our last conversation and saw a new post from him boasting about buying my SO a $500 train pass for the month of August to come down and see him. That truly showed me that my SO just has no respect for me and was going on as if he was single the entire time we were dating. And furthermore convinced me that he truly does need serious professional help if he thinks this kind of behavior is appropriate in a relationship, especially given our circumstances.
