I was at Damon's yesterday afternoon watching the Tigers/Twins game with a friend, just hanging out enjoying the game and eating nachos. I was in a laid-back mood, just drinking some water. The waitresses were pretty damn cute and we were discussing various nonsense.
Towards the end of the game, some chick came in and sat down right behind our table, by herself. I just looked up and she was sitting there drinking beers. From my angle she was just gorgeous! I said to my friend, "If ya turn around you'll see a gorgeous woman." Dude glanced back and goes, "What?" A few moments later she stood up to go to the bathroom or something and I saw that she had a chunky ass. Fukk! Oh well, I'd still fukk her. My friend goes, "Her?? Gorgeous? Gimme some of what you're smoking." Dammit. He was kinda right. But from the angle she was sitting relative to me, I thought her face was pretty damn nice. Anyway, pretty soon some son-of-a-cock who had been sitting at the bar, yelling at the TV and drinking beer, somehow scooted his ass all the way over to sit right the fukk down in the seat at the table WITH that chick. I watched the situation develop and his "how ya doin?" lines. She looked bored at first and I was thinking "good, she better blue-ball that motherfucker." He was ugly as hell and had a fat nose and scraggly mustache and just looked like a damn BUM.
Eventually this fukk started working his A GAME, and she was laughing and talking to him. WHAT? "Come on.......tell him to fukk off!" I was thinking. No WAY she would rather be with him than with ME. Before I knew it he invited her to the damn BAR with him, and she picked up her shit and DID IT. WHAT????
They were getting close at the bar and it was highly booollsheeet. I saw him order two shots and he goes "one...two....THREE!" and they took them together and she laughed. NO! The only reason she was with him was because she was getting DRUNK. I was highly pissed at what first looked like an old-school, throwback, 1920's-type beauty, and she had on a pearl necklace. Now this fukkface was going to give her a different type of pearl necklace, which was UNFUKKENFAIR. After the game my friend goes, "Ok, let's head out." I was nervous as fukken hell at this point as we walked out and I said to my friend "Dude, get my back."
He goes, "What?"
"Just do it," I said, as we approached the bar area, where our waitress was getting some bills. I walked RIGHT THE FUKK UP to where that dude and chick were sitting, which was near the cash register, and said, "Megan!" to our waitress. "Thanks a lot, we're heading out, keep the change," and I handed her some cash and offering a wink. I noticed that drunk chick eyeing me, seeing a fresh gleam of nobility before her heavenly eyes.
"Oh, have a great evening," Megan said.
Then it happened. As I was recoiling from reaching over and handing her the cash, I ELBOWED dude's glass of beer, and it toppled over, splashed all over his jeans, and crashed on the floor.
"Oops!" I said, "Sorry bout that!" Dude had some sort of a temper problem and screams "motherfucker!!!!!", as some spit flew into my face and he glared at me like Bill Cowher.
"Dude, it was an acciden- " I started to say.
"BULLSHIT! You little SHIT!" he yelled, and gave me a mighty shove with his hands against my chest, propelling me back, I did a Vlade Divac flop, flailing my hands and acting like he'd REALLY shoved me HARD, and I sprawled into some other drunk, who stood up and said, "WOAH! HEY!" I kind of backpedaled and acted confused as my friend stood between us and said, "Man, take it easy. He didn't mean to."
"All over my fucking JEANS!" Dude yelled. There was a commotion as one bouncer dude goes, "Hey watch the glass watch the GLASS!! " It was some big black dude. He goes, "Nobody step on the GLASS!" Fukken sent a chill down my spine as he goes, "YOU!" and pointed to the drunk fukk and goes, "OUT OF HERE!!"
One of the croonies goes, "Get a taxi for his drunk asssss!"
Another voice cried out "Call the police!"
As they grabbed him the bartender goes "I should have cut you off, man."
The asshole yelled "What about that drunk knockin my....uh....Beer on me!!?? Stupid SHIT!" Yeah, how do those blue balls feel, bitch, I thought.
Megan, my waitress who wanted to have sexual intercourse with me, goes "All he's had is water."
"FUCKER!" The guy yelled at me as they started taking him away. Dude yells, "Wait! I want to pay for mine and this girl’s drinks first, HOLD ON!" The chick was embarrassed as hell and just looking the other way.
"Watch YO DAMN MOUTH!" the big black dude yelled in his grill.
They carried him out to the lobby, I guess to call a cab, and it was silent around the bar area, and some of the people from the restaurant section were coming up to see what was up. My friend gave me a cigarette, and as they were cleaning up the glass, I leaned over on the bar where dude's seat was, and the bartender, who was talking with Megan, goes, "Sir, what do you want? One on the house." I adjusted my bowtie and said, "Shot of Wild Turkey." Then I looked at the chick that dude had been trying to lay the pipe to. "Shaken, not stirred." I said.
"What?", the bartender said.
"Make it happen."
Dude brought me the shot and I leaned on the bar and smoked my cigarette. "Next time," I said to the chick, while swirling my shot glass like it was a wineglass, "Go for a noble, all-American gentleman." I inhaled my smoke, slammed the shot of Turkey, and exhaled, whispering, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah, G-Man!" Then I slammed the shot glass on the bar. She looked at me with admiration, like I was a hero out of a timeless Western.
I gave her sort of a James Dean mysterious look and then my friend and I left the bar. As we were going out the door I saw that dickhead who thought he was Joe Badass earlier and now was just mister sobering-up-asshole, sitting there with one of the bouncers, waiting for the cab, and I said, as the door was closing, "No ass for you, dude!"
It was one of the most epic days ever.
GAP
Towards the end of the game, some chick came in and sat down right behind our table, by herself. I just looked up and she was sitting there drinking beers. From my angle she was just gorgeous! I said to my friend, "If ya turn around you'll see a gorgeous woman." Dude glanced back and goes, "What?" A few moments later she stood up to go to the bathroom or something and I saw that she had a chunky ass. Fukk! Oh well, I'd still fukk her. My friend goes, "Her?? Gorgeous? Gimme some of what you're smoking." Dammit. He was kinda right. But from the angle she was sitting relative to me, I thought her face was pretty damn nice. Anyway, pretty soon some son-of-a-cock who had been sitting at the bar, yelling at the TV and drinking beer, somehow scooted his ass all the way over to sit right the fukk down in the seat at the table WITH that chick. I watched the situation develop and his "how ya doin?" lines. She looked bored at first and I was thinking "good, she better blue-ball that motherfucker." He was ugly as hell and had a fat nose and scraggly mustache and just looked like a damn BUM.
Eventually this fukk started working his A GAME, and she was laughing and talking to him. WHAT? "Come on.......tell him to fukk off!" I was thinking. No WAY she would rather be with him than with ME. Before I knew it he invited her to the damn BAR with him, and she picked up her shit and DID IT. WHAT????
They were getting close at the bar and it was highly booollsheeet. I saw him order two shots and he goes "one...two....THREE!" and they took them together and she laughed. NO! The only reason she was with him was because she was getting DRUNK. I was highly pissed at what first looked like an old-school, throwback, 1920's-type beauty, and she had on a pearl necklace. Now this fukkface was going to give her a different type of pearl necklace, which was UNFUKKENFAIR. After the game my friend goes, "Ok, let's head out." I was nervous as fukken hell at this point as we walked out and I said to my friend "Dude, get my back."
He goes, "What?"
"Just do it," I said, as we approached the bar area, where our waitress was getting some bills. I walked RIGHT THE FUKK UP to where that dude and chick were sitting, which was near the cash register, and said, "Megan!" to our waitress. "Thanks a lot, we're heading out, keep the change," and I handed her some cash and offering a wink. I noticed that drunk chick eyeing me, seeing a fresh gleam of nobility before her heavenly eyes.
"Oh, have a great evening," Megan said.
Then it happened. As I was recoiling from reaching over and handing her the cash, I ELBOWED dude's glass of beer, and it toppled over, splashed all over his jeans, and crashed on the floor.
"Oops!" I said, "Sorry bout that!" Dude had some sort of a temper problem and screams "motherfucker!!!!!", as some spit flew into my face and he glared at me like Bill Cowher.
"Dude, it was an acciden- " I started to say.
"BULLSHIT! You little SHIT!" he yelled, and gave me a mighty shove with his hands against my chest, propelling me back, I did a Vlade Divac flop, flailing my hands and acting like he'd REALLY shoved me HARD, and I sprawled into some other drunk, who stood up and said, "WOAH! HEY!" I kind of backpedaled and acted confused as my friend stood between us and said, "Man, take it easy. He didn't mean to."
"All over my fucking JEANS!" Dude yelled. There was a commotion as one bouncer dude goes, "Hey watch the glass watch the GLASS!! " It was some big black dude. He goes, "Nobody step on the GLASS!" Fukken sent a chill down my spine as he goes, "YOU!" and pointed to the drunk fukk and goes, "OUT OF HERE!!"
One of the croonies goes, "Get a taxi for his drunk asssss!"
Another voice cried out "Call the police!"
As they grabbed him the bartender goes "I should have cut you off, man."
The asshole yelled "What about that drunk knockin my....uh....Beer on me!!?? Stupid SHIT!" Yeah, how do those blue balls feel, bitch, I thought.
Megan, my waitress who wanted to have sexual intercourse with me, goes "All he's had is water."
"FUCKER!" The guy yelled at me as they started taking him away. Dude yells, "Wait! I want to pay for mine and this girl’s drinks first, HOLD ON!" The chick was embarrassed as hell and just looking the other way.
"Watch YO DAMN MOUTH!" the big black dude yelled in his grill.
They carried him out to the lobby, I guess to call a cab, and it was silent around the bar area, and some of the people from the restaurant section were coming up to see what was up. My friend gave me a cigarette, and as they were cleaning up the glass, I leaned over on the bar where dude's seat was, and the bartender, who was talking with Megan, goes, "Sir, what do you want? One on the house." I adjusted my bowtie and said, "Shot of Wild Turkey." Then I looked at the chick that dude had been trying to lay the pipe to. "Shaken, not stirred." I said.
"What?", the bartender said.
"Make it happen."
Dude brought me the shot and I leaned on the bar and smoked my cigarette. "Next time," I said to the chick, while swirling my shot glass like it was a wineglass, "Go for a noble, all-American gentleman." I inhaled my smoke, slammed the shot of Turkey, and exhaled, whispering, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah, G-Man!" Then I slammed the shot glass on the bar. She looked at me with admiration, like I was a hero out of a timeless Western.
I gave her sort of a James Dean mysterious look and then my friend and I left the bar. As we were going out the door I saw that dickhead who thought he was Joe Badass earlier and now was just mister sobering-up-asshole, sitting there with one of the bouncers, waiting for the cab, and I said, as the door was closing, "No ass for you, dude!"
It was one of the most epic days ever.
GAP