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[maxcriden]

In preparation for the depravity to come, I fast the night before, eating a only light meal of a bacon cheeseburger, four chicken McNuggets, and a small fries at midnight.

Ten hours later, my editor, Max Read, messages me to outline the conditions this exercise must meet:
·I will not take advantage of the TGI Friday's wifi, read a book, or go to sleep.
·I will stay at least six hours past the restaurant's 11 a.m. opening time.
·I will consume mozzarella sticks with the voraciousness of bacteria feasting on the muscle tissue of a corpse. (This is not so much a condition as a given.)

He then proposes a bonus:

If you can stay till 1 a.m. I'll give you a week off.

In a separate conversation, my colleague Taylor offers to pay me $3 for every mozzarella stick I eat past the first 30.

The offer before me is now one week's vacation and theoretically infinite pfit.

11:34 a.m. My first plate arrives. The mozzarella sticks are golden, dense, and huge. Each one is greater than the width of two of my index fingers. As a frequent and enthusiastic consumer of mozzarella sticks, I estimate that these are about twice the standard size. They are softly cuboid, not cylindrical, for reasons I assume are obscure and related to the maximally efficient, foolproof method by which they are packaged, shipped, and cooked. They arrive in herds of six, lightly dusted with shavings of "Parmesan" and "Romano" and flakes of parsley. (Over the course of several orders, this coating will become increasingly patchy, as TGI Friday's and I stop standing on formality.) An order normally costs $7.50, which means I will have to eat at least two in order for TGI Friday's Endless Apps to qualify as a "good deal." Each plate of six contains 1,100 calories.

They taste like goddamn garbage.

7:41 p.m. Marisa returns with my fifth order of mozzarella sticks. We decide that she will charge me for one more Diet Coke (cost: $2.80) in order to open a new check. A little unorthodox, but that is life for we, the first settlers of the Endless Apps frontier.

1:21 a.m. I arrive home and throw up a little bit, but not as much as I expected.

FINAL TALLY
·Number of plates of mozzarella sticks that potentially could have been ordered: ∞
·Number of plates of mozzarella sticks actually ordered: 7
·Number of mozzarella sticks that potentially could have been eaten: ∞
·Number of of mozzarella sticks actually eaten: 32
·U.S. dollars paid to Caity Weaver from Taylor Berman for every stick over 30 eaten, at a rate of $3/stick: 6
·Days off earned unless tricked: 5
·Additional rewards earned: Ketchup

More at the link:

http://gawker.com/my-14-hour-search-for-the-end-of-tgi-fridays-endless-ap-1606122925

 

[BronsonLee]

I was totally ready to just bang on the writer for doing the challenge without telling the staff and thus probably freaking them out, but they were honest about it and tipped a ton, so good on them.

Hope they enjoy the week off!*

*I secretly want their boss to trick them thus causing a war

 

[DrGonzo615]

This is the only thing I could think of reading that....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yL9bPjkOc1Q

 

[otapnam]

http://m.neogaf.com/showthread.php?t=851128

We covered this in the original tgif thread a bit.

Wished they sent a bro from deadspin or something instead

 

[Anoregon]

"They taste like goddamn garbage" made me laugh. If that's your reaction at the beginning of the ordeal, you are in for a rough ride.

I can't remember if I've ever had TGIF mozzarella sticks so I can't say for sure, but I doubt they are that bad. I mean they are mozzarella sticks. As long as they actually are mozzarella encased in breading and cooked, they are going to at least be decent.

 

[mackattk]

I was totally ready to just bang on the writer for doing the challenge without telling the staff and thus probably freaking them out, but they were honest about it and tipped a ton, so good on them.

Hope they enjoy the week off!*

*I secretly want their boss to trick them thus causing a war

From what I know it was only like a $30 tip for 14 hours of being waited on.

 

[BronsonLee]

From what I know it was only like a $30 tip for 14 hours of being waited on.

...Wait a minute. *cracks knuckles*
Curse you, writer~!

 

[The Technomancer]

This is fucking great

 

[Aesius]

He only ate 32 mozzarella sticks in 14 hours? That's weak.

 

[lednerg]

This is the only kind of story Gawker should do.

 

[phaonaut]

He only ate 32 mozzarella sticks in 14 hours? That's weak.

2 per hour, that is pretty weak.

 

[otapnam]

He only ate 32 mozzarella sticks in 14 hours? That's weak.

SHE.

 

[WalkMan]

He only ate 32 mozzarella sticks in 14 hours? That's weak.

She*. If each serving is about 1100 calories as she stated, then she consumed ~ 5000 calories over the day.

 

[Milennia]

I can probably drop 65 if I tried this, I've gone through 35 before and those were nasty boxed sticks.

 

[The Technomancer]

He only ate 32 mozzarella sticks in 14 hours? That's weak.

Its like 7000 calories of food. By the second plate I'd be slowing down as well

 

[Not Spaceghost]

He only ate 32 mozzarella sticks in 14 hours? That's weak.

Yeah seriously, I guess according to her they were gross but still...that's weak as hell.

 

[LyleLanley]

Given the subject I thought that was a very well written article. Count me in as disappointed that she only ate 32 sticks though.

 

[ChubbyHuggs]

Only 32... Weak sauce!!!

 

[Timeaisis]

Thoroughly read this whole thing last Friday. Hilarious.

Reading the whole thing, she continues to get more and more desperate and crazy, like she's going through all the stages of grief. It's a pretty fun read.

Waiting for the movie adaptation coming this fall.

 

[codhand]

a "light meal" does not involve midnight, or mcdonalds.

 

[Pickman]

Gawker authors must get paid by the word.

 

[DTLIONS1013]

Hilarious. Thought it was a man until "I followed her into the bathroom"

 

[Pai Pai Master]

a "light meal" does not involve midnight, or mcdonalds.

I thought the same thing. If a "light" meal is a bacon cheeseburger, fries and nuggets then I don't know why 32 mozzarella sticks over 14 hours is a struggle.

But I'm acting like i'm a superior consumer of shit food so I should stop talking.

 

[Snkfanatic]

How could she eat that many. How are people calling that weak? That is way waaay to much fried cheese. I feel like hell if I even eat a couple of those things.

 

[Entropia]

This article prompted a discussion amongst a number of co-workers over how many we could eat, if we could last that long, and what appetizer we would choose to do for that 14 hour challenge.

Sadly, there are no TGI Fridays in Canada.

 

[Ninja Scooter]

I could eat 30 mozzarella sticks like it's nothing.

 

[BadHand]

SHE.

say no more.

 

[Zane]

a "light meal" does not involve midnight, or mcdonalds.

thats the joke

 

[jred2k]

I can understand wanting to pace yourself over 14 hours, but 32 sticks is pretty weak.

 

[GoldenEye 007]

Should have got the pot stickers.

 

[Count of Monte Sawed-Off]

"They taste like goddamn garbage" made me laugh. If that's your reaction at the beginning of the ordeal, you are in for a rough ride.

I can't remember if I've ever had TGIF mozzarella sticks so I can't say for sure, but I doubt they are that bad. I mean they are mozzarella sticks. As long as they actually are mozzarella encased in breading and cooked, they are going to at least be decent.

I haven't had them in years, so things could have changed, but they definitely weren't that bad. Pretty good even.

edit: And I am bit disappointed she only got through 32. That's weak.

 

[Bobs Big Boy]

The amount is not quite as impressive as the task of sitting in a TGIF for 14 hours.

Fun read, thanks for sharing.

 

[gazele]

Great read

She messed up by doing mozzarella sticks

I feel like buffalo wings would have been a better choice

 

[Stormhammer]

The key is eating the breading first after they've cooled down a bit, then diving in to the delicious cheese. Easier (and tastier) to consume that way.

 

[AbsolutBro]

I think the bigger mistake is eating just the same thing over and over. It's gotta get bland and tiring after awhile. Mix that shit up!

 

[LyleLanley]

I think the bigger mistake is eating just the same thing over and over. It's gotta get bland and tiring after awhile. Mix that shit up!

That's the catch.

 

[char0n]

"They taste like goddamn garbage" made me laugh. If that's your reaction at the beginning of the ordeal, you are in for a rough ride.

I can't remember if I've ever had TGIF mozzarella sticks so I can't say for sure, but I doubt they are that bad. I mean they are mozzarella sticks. As long as they actually are mozzarella encased in breading and cooked, they are going to at least be decent.

Can't speak for TGIF moz sticks in particular, but I've gone to a few of those types of places where calling the cheese inside mozzarella was as generous as referring to a slice of velveeta as "cheddar".

 

[Sai-kun]

this was an incredible read. wow.

 

[corn_fest]

Gawker authors must get paid by the word.

I've been trying to figure out what this post even means. The story is too verbose? It's a humorous essay, the entire point is to describe the experience in excruciating detail.
It was never intended to be an easily digestible news article - it's creative writing. What would be preferable? "Woman eats 32 mozzarella sticks." Short and to the point, great.
Finally, not only is it not that long, it's consistently entertaining.

Tired of pointless drive-by negativity.

 

[sometimes i game]

I live in New York and eat plenty of italian food and Fridays' mozz sticks are good, so I have no idea what this guy is going on about.

 

[toxicgonzo]

Should have got the pot stickers.

Wait they have pot stickers?

GAF fund my TGIF experiment and I will eat 14hrs worth of pot stickers!

 

[potam]

12:00 a.m. I email a picture of myself to the Gawker tips line to remind everyone that I exist and I am still at TGI Friday's. [The email address is tips@gawker.com; it is generally used for news and gossip tips but in certain circumstances we will accept self-portraits of TGI Friday's customers — Ed.] "I played Trivial Pursuit with this ketchup bottle TWELVE HOURS AGO," I explain in the body of the email. "I HAD TO DOWNLOAD AN APP."

Can we please make this a thing? I kinda want to do it just to see what they say.

 

[Angry Grimace]

I don't know how a mozzarella stick could taste bad, really.

 

[BigJonsson]

This article prompted a discussion amongst a number of co-workers over how many we could eat, if we could last that long, and what appetizer we would choose to do for that 14 hour challenge.

Sadly, there are no TGI Fridays in Canada.

There are a couple in Niagara Falls but I doubt they are participating in this

There was a TGI Fridays in downtown Toronto for a couple weeks once upon a time, it was in a bad location and didn't last

 

[NerdEyeBlind]

I don't know how a mozzarella stick could taste bad, really.

Apparently TGI Friday's are pretty bad. When I do this I'm going boneless wings all the way

 

[Mesoian]

In preparation for the depravity to come, I fast the night before, eating a only light meal of a bacon cheeseburger, four chicken McNuggets, and a small fries at midnight.

How is this light? That's still probably hovering around 1500 calories.

 

[Persona7]

How is this light? That's still probably hovering around 1500 calories.

I don't usually count calories when I am going for something light. I can easily eat something that has a ton of calories but is still not heavy like a slice of lasagna.

 

[vatstep]

I don't know how a mozzarella stick could taste bad, really.

Seriously. I stopped reading at this point. The author is clearly not in any position to write such an article.

 

[Mesoian]

I don't usually count calories when I am going for something light. I can easily eat something that has a ton of calories but is still not heavy like a slice of lasagna.

All three of those things are stuff that would sit like a stone in my stomach.

 

[Miletius]

This story reminds me more of the time I spent 10 hours waiting in an airport and less about times eating mozzarella sticks. Dunno if that's good thing or not. By hour 5, I was ready to blow my brains out. I don't know how she made it that long. Or, why she didn't pre-plan and bring something besides her phone, but wasn't a book.