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[videogamer]

Normally, I'm cocky, funny and critical to an extent where it may be a personality flaw. This person I've met makes me want to be "nice" and tender. This case is just different.

I don't want to creep them out because we're in the same club, and we're going to continue meeting. Although their looks aren't impressive, we share many of the same nerdy interests... and the mannerisms.... they make my heart pound. That aloof smile and walk. The liking for certain independent movies and the History Channel.

The problem remains that I don't know much about him. I don't know how well adjusted he is around gay people (for goodness sake, a group of us have been arguing over his political stance). Background information is difficult to obtain. However, there is that small chance that he may be gay, I don't want to regret not ever trying to make a move.

 

[kumanoki]

I really can't respond from a gay standpoint, but I usually find it extremely flattering when anyone at all shows interest in me.

It might be best to be straightforward. Guys understand that. If he freaks out, that's not your fault.

 

[Deleted member 1235]

I used to think gays had it easier.

Your situation makes me think otherwise. I mean, how do you know if he's gay or not? Does he know you're gay? There must be some kind of standard procedure in this case.

 

[videogamer]

Your situation makes me think otherwise. I mean, how do you know if he's gay or not? Does he know you're gay? There must be some kind of standard procedure in this case.

Despite his knowledge of Broadway music, my gaydar tells me he is very straight. No, he does not know if I'm gay.

I don't want to freak him out... this isn't some stranger at the gym. This is someone who is throughly embedded in our club; he has regular attendence at the meetings and events.

 

[demon]

Call him up on the phone and ask him anonymously.

*ring*
him: "Hello?"
you: "..."
him: "...hello?"
you: ......are you gay?"
him: "...?"
you: ".....*panics*"
him: *he hangs up*



(not guaratneed to work)

 

[Monk]

Despite his knowledge of Broadway music, my gaydar tells me he is very straight. No, he does not know if I'm gay.

I don't want to freak him out... this isn't some stranger at the gym. This is someone who is throughly embedded in our club; he has regular attendence at the meetings and events.

Why not tell him YOU are gay and see how he responds first?

 

[Chipopo]

I used to think gays had it easier.

Are you serious??? :lol

 

[Mason]

I really hate situations like this. What I tend to do is (whenever the situation allows) make sure it's fairly obvious I'm liberal and comfortable around all different types of people so that maybe he'll get more comfortable about it. For instance, if someone says something about how gay people are gross, I'd laugh and be like "I have gay friends, so I don't have a problem with them." Just so he can feel comfortable to come to me if he wants.

I've never gotten anywhere with this technique, but it may be a good start when used with some other methods.

 

[Deleted member 1235]

Are you serious??? :lol

Heh, I mean once everybody is over the insecure puberty pick on and abuse the gays phase. Which admittedly some people never get over. I was sort of joking in a way you moan when you strike out with a girl.

But think about it

Gay dude at urinal to other gay dude at urinal "DUDE SWEET COCK!"
other gay dude "I KNOW RIGHT?"

cue porn tune.

I blame single-sex bathrooms for my failures to pick up in public more often.

 

[demon]

Are you serious??? :lol

In some respects, I tend to agree. I've been hit on by WAY more gay guys than girls. If I were gay, I would have gotten laid by now.

 

[videogamer]

Why not tell him YOU are gay and see how he responds first?

Here is when the other problem comes in: my tentative plan for the future is that I wll marry a woman so that my mom will be happy. If it comes out that I'm gay, it's going to be a lot harder to attract females when I actually start trying. Even though I hope it doesn't happen, I want to leave open the possibility.


Mason: Heh, that's not working. He seems to be one of those people who isn't looking. If anything is going to happen, it's going to be me making the first move.

 

[Monk]

...WTF? *bangs head against wall*

Seriously, I dont think you could have got yourself into a more messed up situation.

 

[Chipopo]

I think hetero's take for granted the fact that we can go up to any women and safely assume that they are at the very least receptable to the goods you offer. A homosexual in a town that doesn't have a gay scene is like tiptoeing across a mine field.

 

[ohamsie]

You would marry a woman just to please your mom?!?! Dude, think about how your 'wife' would feel about that, let alone you. Pining away for luscious men and having to settle for vagina.

 

[Chipopo]

Hammy: That plan sucks.

My gay uncle has been married to a women for 30 some odd years, and neither of them will ever be happy. There is no way you can hide that from your wife for an extended period of time, and it's completely unfair to her. You'll end up sleeping around to get your desires fulfilled, and so will she, and you'll each be guzzling a nightly cocktail of guilt and disgust towards one another. Ditch your mom before you do anything resembling that course of action.

 

[Monk]

Hammy: That plan sucks.

My gay uncle has been married to a women for 30 some odd years, and neither of them will ever be happy. There is no way you can hide that from your wife for an extended period of time, and it's completely unfair to her. You'll end up sleeping around to get your desires fulfilled, and so will she, and you'll each be guzzling a nightly cocktail of guilt and disgust towards one another. Ditch your mom before you do anything resembling that course of action.

Well if he finds a lesbian that wants to do the same, it wont be so bad. But still, this is like living in a mine field that has each and every single mine linked to and explosive in your moms head.

 

[kumanoki]

....... having to settle for vagina.

I'll settle.

 

[FoneBone]

Here is when the other problem comes in: my tentative plan for the future is that I wll marry a woman so that my mom will be happy. If it comes out that I'm gay, it's going to be a lot harder to attract females when I actually start trying. Even though I hope it doesn't happen, I want to leave open the possibility..

The fuck!?!? Now, with all due respect, who's telling whom to, quote, "grow a pair?"

EDIT: I'm really, really, not trying to insult you, Hammy. I just don't get it. At all.

 

[ohamsie]

I'll settle.

Well I'm sure you would, as would I and most other heterosexuals, but seeing as how Hammy is HOMOsexual, I believe he would rather have an order of beefcake than roast beef and pie.

Unless he is bisexual, perhaps?

 

[demon]

Here is when the other problem comes in: my tentative plan for the future is that I wll marry a woman so that my mom will be happy. If it comes out that I'm gay, it's going to be a lot harder to attract females when I actually start trying. Even though I hope it doesn't happen, I want to leave open the possibility.


Mason: Heh, that's not working. He seems to be one of those people who isn't looking. If anything is going to happen, it's going to be me making the first move.

Dude, fuck that shit. Don't marry a person of the sex you're not attracted to, it just won't work. And if you want children, adopt a kid for a "Bill Has Two Daddies" story.

 

[Eminem]

Call him up on the phone and ask him anonymously.

*ring*
him: "Hello?"
you: "..."
him: "...hello?"
you: ......are you gay?"
him: "...?"
you: ".....*panics*"
him: *he hangs up*

:lol :lol :lol :lol

 

[Monk]

I dont see how he needs to grow a pair of balls or so to speak. Some people just have a great relationship with their family that they just dont want to break.

But really if it is such an issue he is willing to give up... his sexuality(?) over with little or no concern over it, it is possible that his sexuality has stunted somewhere along the line or something.

Bah, I have tio stop being so over analytical.

 

[Alex Anderson]

Place your hand on his thigh. You'll probably get a fist.

BUT WHERE WILL THE FIST GO?

 

[Brannon]

my tentative plan for the future is that I wll marry a woman so that my mom will be happy.

Okay I'm probably not the guy to be giving relationship advice, but you need to NOT DO THIS. Seriously.

 

[videogamer]

The fuck!?!? Now, with all due respect, who's telling whom to, quote, "grow a pair?"

it's easier said then done

About my "plan": of course I don't want it to happen. But the fact remains that by the time I finish school (about when I turn 29), my mom will expect me to start bringing some gal home to visit her. Yeah I know it's callous to plan on using some girl to please my mom. But I've got 8 years or so to dwell on it.

 

[Mercury Fred]

Here is when the other problem comes in: my tentative plan for the future is that I wll marry a woman so that my mom will be happy.

So the plan is to:
1) Live a lie
2) Deceive your mother with the goal of making her "happy"
3) Lure an unsuspecting woman into a fake relationship
4) Deny yourself happiness and a fulfilling life

If I ever meet you in real life, I'm outing you to your mom and "girlfriend." And you'd better believe if you put the wrong guy through this "plan," he just might to the job for me

 

[Monk]

This is why the internet is so great.

 

[Cosmic Bus]

While I think it's a thoroughly undesirable plan, I can at least understand where Ham's coming from. It would quite literally kill my mother if she knew I was gay, but rather than set up some false relationship or -- dear God -- a marriage, I choose to just remain celibate. Having never dated in the first place, it's something my parents are accustomed to by now. And my many, long-standing neuroses make the whole celibacy thing come quite easily; years of self conciousness and confidence issues (among other things) have kept me so introverted that any semblace of a social life at this point is out of the question anyway.

Best of all, my sister's given them a couple of grandkids, so that obviously takes pretty much any remaining pressure off me...

 

[J2 Cool]

:lol I remember accidentally coming on to a gay guy, without knowing I was. I was trying to be a friendly guy and I was hanging out with my ex and a few friends at a school concert kind of thing, and this guy walks up and starts talking to her and some other people. And he looks at me, and I say "Hey, what's up, I'm Brian". And he tells me his name and just changes his whole body language and my ex jumps in and says "He's gay" to me. And I look over and am just like "oh, yeah... I'm not..." And take a step back closer to my girl. And I get the line "Wow, if you were gay I'd be all over you. Well, if you ever become guy call me". So in a way I imagine it'd be easy in some ways but I can see your situation being difficult. And yeah, if they're not gay it gets akward :-/

 

[Brannon]

You know, eventually your mom is going to die. Then you'll be stuck with a wife you might not truly love. This really isn't something that needs thought. Marry for your own sake if you do it, and not for anybody else's.

 

[Mercury Fred]

While I think it's a thoroughly undesirable plan, I can at least understand where Ham's coming from. It would quite literally kill my mother if she knew I was gay, but rather than set up some false relationship or -- dear God -- a marriage, I choose to just remain celibate. Having never dated in the first place, it's something my parents are accustomed to by now. And my many, long-standing neuroses make the whole celibacy thing come quite easily; years of self conciousness and confidence issues (among other things) have kept me so introverted that any semblace of a social life at this point is out of the question anyway.

My dad blackmailed me into going to conversion therapy when I was 16 (it didn't work ). Years later, I was horrified to come out to my mom. But, my friends were cool and I eventually got up the nerve to do it. It wasn't easy, but she's totally fine with it now.

I know everyone's situation is different, but for fuck's sake, you go around once and you deserve to have a life. And that means being real, experiencing love and sex and being your own person.

I feel both sad and disgusted when I hear stories like yours and Hammy's. No one's, not your mom's, not your dad's "happiness" is worth living a fake life over.

 

[Cosmic Bus]

I feel both sad and disgusted when I hear stories like yours and Hammy's. No one's, not your mom's, not your dad's "happiness" is worth living a fake life over.

Well, I wouldn't call it a "fake life" per se. I'm a born loner, and keeping things to myself comes as naturally as anything. It isn't just my sexual orientation -- I don't open up to anyone about anything. Family, friends, co-workers... People that know me, don't really know me, and I'm okay with this.

As for coming out, it strikes me as something that would be truly pointless. I'm not going to be dating or fucking around even if my family knows that I'm gay, so the mental anguish involved with telling them is for naught.

I do occasionally wish that I could be totally open and out there enjoying a so-called normal life, but it's just not going to happen. I'm almost 27, with about 10 years of potential therapy inside me and far too inept in the ways of the world to make a start of it now. There are more important things for me to be fretting over, anyway.

 

[FoneBone]

There are more important things for me to be fretting over, anyway.

Like what?...

 

[Mercury Fred]

Well, I wouldn't call it a "fake life" per se. I'm a born loner, and keeping things to myself comes as naturally as anything. It isn't just my sexual orientation -- I don't open up to anyone about anything. Family, friends, co-workers... People that know me, don't really know me, and I'm okay with this.

As for coming out, it strikes me as something that would be truly pointless. I'm not going to be dating or fucking around even if my family knows that I'm gay, so the mental anguish involved with telling them is for naught.

I do occasionally wish that I could be totally open and out there enjoying a so-called normal life, but it's just not going to happen. I'm almost 27, with about 10 years of potential therapy inside me and far too inept in the ways of the world to make a start of it now. There are more important things for me to be fretting over, anyway.

Bullshit.

"Born loner" does not equal celibate. You may prefer time to yourself, but that doesn't exempt you from the very basic human needs of affection, intimacy and sex. What you've done is provide a list of invented excuses designed to facilitate your being stunted. You don't know how long therapy would or wouldn't take. I guess I'm shocked that anyone would want to resign themselves to a life like this. Don't you ache for something more?

 

[videogamer]

Bullshit.

"Born loner" does not equal celibate. You may prefer time to yourself, but that doesn't exempt you from the very basic human needs of affection, intimacy and sex. What you've done is provide a list of invented excuses designed to facilitate your being stunted. You don't know how long therapy would or wouldn't take. I guess I'm shocked that anyone would want to resign themselves to a life like this. Don't you ache for something more?

You know, it's possible to want something but not care enough about it anymore. It's just not worth the hassle. Really now, why do people put so much emphasis on being "happy"? It takes too much effort.

 

[Lil' Dice]

The workforce in my division at work is made up of at least 40% gay men, and I’m frequently hit on by the ones who work near me. However, I've never had to guess their sexual orientation as they would always disclose it during a conversation before they become flirty. People will always assume you're straight if you're ambiguous about your sexuality.
Whatever you do, make sure he knows you're gay before you hit on him.

 

[Monk]

Bullshit.

"Born loner" does not equal celibate. You may prefer time to yourself, but that doesn't exempt you from the very basic human needs of affection, intimacy and sex. What you've done is provide a list of invented excuses designed to facilitate your being stunted. You don't know how long therapy would or wouldn't take. I guess I'm shocked that anyone would want to resign themselves to a life like this. Don't you ache for something more?

I am like Hotarubi except I am straight. Some people just arent interested, and don't have those needs you mentioned.

 

[Cosmic Bus]

Call it bullshit if you like, but I'm not just throwing this stuff out there for show. I do feel this way and have for quite some time. There isn't much else I can say here that won't simply be recycling my previous comments...

Do I ache for more? At times, sure, but I wouldn't know where to begin to go after it. Don't you ever feel like there's no way to overcome something? I do pretty much every day... but I've adjusted to it and take my life as one big routine. 'Satisfied' isn't the right word, maybe complacent? Either way, I accept it. I have money problems, a dead-end job that I'm scared to leave, and no discernable future beyond what I slog through every day. These are more important things to be worried about than getting laid.

 

[Mercury Fred]

You know, it's possible to want something but not care enough about it anymore. It's just not worth the hassle.

How can you know that something's not worth the hassle if you've not yet experienced it? Also, in the case of Hota, he's saying that he's 27 and acting like that means he's too old to change. If he was 57, maybe I'd have an easier time with it. But even then, ehn.

Really now, why do people put so much emphasis on being "happy"? It takes too much effort.

In none of my posts did I suggest that anyone be "happy."What I've been arguing for is living life in a bold way that allows people to attain their desires. That doesn't necessarily mean "being happy." It means taking some risks and seeing what you find. And almost everything that's worth doing requires effort.

I am like Hotarubi except I am straight. Some people just arent interested, and don't have those needs you mentioned.

Sorry. I think this is a cop-out. Unless you're a soulless robot, you have those needs, as stuffed down, repressed and hidden as they may be.

 

[Rocket Punch]

This thread makes me sad for so many reasons. People settling for "meh" lives because the risks to attain something better are too great. Anything that is worth a damn is going to take sweat and tears. You get nothing for free. Just think about this: One day you may realize that you wasted the best years of your life away because you couldn't be bothered / could stand up for your own happiness.

Here's a clue, if you recognize you're not happy (putting emphasis on being happy) you have problems that should be addressed. Happiness is worth the sweat and tears it takes to make it happen. Also... why bother looking for a gay partner when you're thinking about getting married in the future? To what end? My head hurts reading the stuff on this thread. In the end it's never just about "getting laid", it's about finding a level of well being that allows you to feel good about your life. Happiness. It is attainable.

 

[FoneBone]

I think Hammy was being sarcastic... though I'm honestly not sure.

 

[videogamer]

How can you know that something's not worth the hassle if you've not yet experienced it?

Yes, I've experienced a clandestine relationship. I wouldn't mind starting another one myself, but I understand Hota's viewpoint.

In none of my posts did I suggest that anyone be "happy."What I've been arguing for is living life in a bold way that allows people to attain their desires. That doesn't necessarily mean "being happy." It means taking some risks and seeing what you find. And almost everything that's worth doing requires effort.

Eh sorry. IMO, it's in the same category. Attaining one's desires is oftentimes related to being "happy".

Also... why bother looking for a gay partner when you're thinking about getting married in the future? To what end?

It doesn't have to make sense. Not much does when you're deeply interested in someone.

 

[Monk]

Sorry. I think this is a cop-out. Unless you're a soulless robot, you have those needs, as stuffed down, repressed and hidden as they may be.

No I dont. The internet has made me very bitter towards "knowing" people. The sheer amount of idiots in the real world is just plain scary. I developed a form of schizophrenia that makes me not give a shit about anything. I cant get myself motivated to do anything.

First I have to get my self out of the house before doing anyhting else. Also, I really hate to go through all that trouble only to find out that after the initial facade(sp?) that my lover is a real bitch. I am quite happy where I am though, I like myself as a person, I think thats what count the most in life. And it is that that keeps me going.

 

[Rocket Punch]

Life is what you make of it

Your focus - your mind and thoughts - determine your reality

 

[Mercury Fred]

These are more important things to be worried about than getting laid.

I guess this language helps you distance yourself from being physically intimate with another human being.

Don't you ever feel like there's no way to overcome something?

Yes, often. On the better days, I take a small step toward overcoming that seemingly insurmountable obstacle. On the worse ones I maintain.

Life's tough for everyone. Some people have cancer. Some people are so fucking ugly they can't get a break. Some people have the crap beaten out of them every single day by someone who is supposed to love them. None of this diminishes that you're in a bad way and thus in a survival mode. However, people get themselves out of crappy situations all the time.

I dunno, I could blather on, but the reason I give a toss is that I've seen smart, interesting and witty posts come from you, Hammy and others here at GAF that have similarly announced being defeated. I hate the idea of these obviously bright folks rolling over instead of fighting.

Check out White Man who picked up and moved across country to try to put together a better life. I bit the bullet and left Ohio and a dead-end job for NYC and it's been a hell of a struggle (financial and otherwise) but also very rewarding. I've had experiences and opportunities and met people that I never could have if I didn't leave my own survival mode.

Even if it's shitty, there's always a way out. Hell, I knew a guy who left town on his lunch break and didn't stop driving until he got to San Franciso. It took him a while, but he straightened out his finances and now he's doing well and going to law school.

Don't be that guy who's old and bitter and never did the things he wanted to do. If anything's not worth it, it's that.

 

[FoneBone]

I'll have to agree with Mercury. I really believe that you can (and should) do better.

 

[videogamer]

Whatever you do, make sure he knows you're gay before you hit on him.

Why is that? Is it to prevent him from being shocked? It could be a good thing though. He might better understand that he's "special" in some way because I revealed some kind of vulnerability. Then the topic could segue nicely into more intimate subjects.

 

[Deleted member 1235]

Why is that? Is it to prevent him from being shocked? It could be a good thing though. He might better understand that he's "special" in some way because I revealed some kind of vulnerability. Then the topic could segue nicely into more intimate subjects.

If he's not gay then this will go horribly. Let him know you're gay first.