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I desire anecdotes.
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Excess Poo Flakes
Banned
My friend Dan and I were vacationing in Rocky Point. One night, we decided to act like Solid Snake and sneak around a nearby construction development on the beach, and attack some unsuspecting noobs who were building a bon fire and playing hippie music. We armed ourself with golfclubs, boogie boards for shields, and some onions for grenades. Anyway, we were quite succesful up until the point where we got to the wall that seperated the houses and the beach closest to the enemies. We armed our onions, and were ready to attack. All of a sudden, we hear this "Hola" from behind us. We turn around, and it's a security guard with a "WTF" look on his face. I said, "Hello, we were just looking around" and then we went back to the house.
Ok. One time way back in high school my friends and myself from the football team were all sitting around a table having lunch. My buddy Tim was sitting next to myself and my friend Paul, and Paul and I were far smarter than Tim was. This is an important fact to the story.
So one day during lunch, we start doing what football players do, and ridicule each others genitals. Whilst doing this, Tim, an 18 year old guy (most would think 18 year old men wouldn't retort to an insult in this kind of sophomoric way) replies, "Well, how would you guys know what my dick looks like? You guys take a look? huh huh huh!" Not one to drop the ball, I look back and I'm casually saying, "Nah, Green Willy took a gander at yer pecker man." Green Willy was a guy on our team who had been in the scouts til he made Eagle scout, and his name was Will, so naturally Green Willy became his name.
Well, this certainly piqued Tim's attention, and he suddenly thought that the conversation became more than a joke.
"So uh, he checked out my pecker, dude?" Tim questioned, holding off his rage.
"Uh, yeah man... how else would we know that you're not packing much? He took a gander and said you've got a babydick," I retorted casually.
"What the fuck! That fuckin dick!" said Tim, losing the battle against his rage.
And then, as if the timing couldn't be any better, Green Willy walks up and, in a very relaxed manner, frequently used by people who assume they're far more liked than they really are, he says, "Hey guys, what's going on?!"
Tim: "Hey uh, Green Willy... come here. We have to talk."
Immediately my buddy Paul and myself were holding back our laughter, as Green Willy isn't really closeby, so Tim is shouting his beef with him across a good 20 foot gap in the commons. Green Willy, being really an innocent player in all this, just replies with a, "Whaa?!"
Meanwhile, Paul and myself continue to stifle laughter.
Tim: "Yeah, I uh... I heard that you took a gander at my, uh, stuff.... and you told everyone I'm a little bit, um, lacking."
Green Willy, scared: "What?! No! No man, why would I do that?!"
Tim: "I dont know man, but thats what people are telling me!"
At this point, Paul and I just broke down in tears from laughing so hard. We just let it all out. Between the pure horror on Green Willy's face at getting his ass kicked, and the pure rage of Tim by being duped doubly-- once by thinking we had any idea how big his dick is, and again by believing us when we said Green Willy checked it out-- was just too much to keep from laughing at.
Tim was a stupid, stupid boy. And Green Willy was a boyscout. The end.
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Tune in next time when I tell you the tale of how Iced Lightning of GAF notoriety and myself set up an elaborate trap for an annoying fat chick with a trail of twinkies going out an 8th floor window...
So one day during lunch, we start doing what football players do, and ridicule each others genitals. Whilst doing this, Tim, an 18 year old guy (most would think 18 year old men wouldn't retort to an insult in this kind of sophomoric way) replies, "Well, how would you guys know what my dick looks like? You guys take a look? huh huh huh!" Not one to drop the ball, I look back and I'm casually saying, "Nah, Green Willy took a gander at yer pecker man." Green Willy was a guy on our team who had been in the scouts til he made Eagle scout, and his name was Will, so naturally Green Willy became his name.
Well, this certainly piqued Tim's attention, and he suddenly thought that the conversation became more than a joke.
"So uh, he checked out my pecker, dude?" Tim questioned, holding off his rage.
"Uh, yeah man... how else would we know that you're not packing much? He took a gander and said you've got a babydick," I retorted casually.
"What the fuck! That fuckin dick!" said Tim, losing the battle against his rage.
And then, as if the timing couldn't be any better, Green Willy walks up and, in a very relaxed manner, frequently used by people who assume they're far more liked than they really are, he says, "Hey guys, what's going on?!"
Tim: "Hey uh, Green Willy... come here. We have to talk."
Immediately my buddy Paul and myself were holding back our laughter, as Green Willy isn't really closeby, so Tim is shouting his beef with him across a good 20 foot gap in the commons. Green Willy, being really an innocent player in all this, just replies with a, "Whaa?!"
Meanwhile, Paul and myself continue to stifle laughter.
Tim: "Yeah, I uh... I heard that you took a gander at my, uh, stuff.... and you told everyone I'm a little bit, um, lacking."
Green Willy, scared: "What?! No! No man, why would I do that?!"
Tim: "I dont know man, but thats what people are telling me!"
At this point, Paul and I just broke down in tears from laughing so hard. We just let it all out. Between the pure horror on Green Willy's face at getting his ass kicked, and the pure rage of Tim by being duped doubly-- once by thinking we had any idea how big his dick is, and again by believing us when we said Green Willy checked it out-- was just too much to keep from laughing at.
Tim was a stupid, stupid boy. And Green Willy was a boyscout. The end.
======
Tune in next time when I tell you the tale of how Iced Lightning of GAF notoriety and myself set up an elaborate trap for an annoying fat chick with a trail of twinkies going out an 8th floor window...
One time I decided to skip class and went to the park conveniently located across a road from my high school. When I got there I saw this guy that I had seen in the halls. He was a friend of a friend and I figured that I might as well hang with him to spend the time. So I walk over sit down and we started talking.
The conversation was completely normal until at one point the guy stands up and points to a group of trees and says, "AHHHH!!!! Did you see that?!"
I look over. Just trees, the guy's really freaking out so I deduce he must be on something. I reply, "No. What."
"That tree!!!! It just got up and start walking towards me!!"
The guy is just about to totally lose it. A normal person would've probably gotten him to calm down or something. But I'm hardly normal.
I get up and with the most horrified look on my face say, "Dude. You're right and he looks pissed!!!! RUN!!!!"
I start running. The guy just starts screaming and bolts faster than anyone I've ever seen. The next day my friend tells me the guy ran 5 miles home and stayed in his room the rest of the day, I told him what happened. A few days later I saw the guy and he said, "That wasn't cool man." and I put my hand on his shoulder and say, "Yeah, pretty lame. But man was it funny."
The conversation was completely normal until at one point the guy stands up and points to a group of trees and says, "AHHHH!!!! Did you see that?!"
I look over. Just trees, the guy's really freaking out so I deduce he must be on something. I reply, "No. What."
"That tree!!!! It just got up and start walking towards me!!"
The guy is just about to totally lose it. A normal person would've probably gotten him to calm down or something. But I'm hardly normal.
I get up and with the most horrified look on my face say, "Dude. You're right and he looks pissed!!!! RUN!!!!"
I start running. The guy just starts screaming and bolts faster than anyone I've ever seen. The next day my friend tells me the guy ran 5 miles home and stayed in his room the rest of the day, I told him what happened. A few days later I saw the guy and he said, "That wasn't cool man." and I put my hand on his shoulder and say, "Yeah, pretty lame. But man was it funny."
Bowflex
The fact that anyone supports Hillary boggles my mind... I have tested between 130-160 on IQ tests
Elk Tranq beach
My friends went to oklahoma to this beach my friend marc told us about. Anyways we get out there and start drinking it starts to rain. By this time we are already buzzing quite nicely so we decided to just stay and swim and drink in the rain.
30 beers later its still raining, and we are completely trashed. anyways, these hicks with this huge truck drive down and we somehow start talking to them. By this time it starts pouring rain and it starts to lightning, and we end up going back to their "house" (read: shack). Obviously this is not the smartest idea, however, its literally raining too hard to drive and we couldn't stay on the beach with all the lightning.
Turns out these guys (all about 17-20) had recently robbed a vet and are snorting elk tranquilizers. One guy looks about 18 but he is ripped hardcore, has to be on steroids, and he is throwing this knife a dart board on the wall from like 10 feet away, and he hits the middle EVERY TIME. So me and my 2 friends are just sitting on the couch watching. Knife dude keeps asking us if we want to snort a line of the stuff they stole. we politely turn down the offer. Another dude (the guy that owns the house) jumps up into his ceiling fan (moving full speed) and breaks it with his head, and laughs. then proceeds to snort another line of elk tranq. This other girl is sitting on the floor with her hands around her knees looking down and shaking back and forth. she looks like she has been coming down from a tweak binge for 3 or 4 days. The whole time rain is slamming on the tin roof and water is leaking everywhere, and we just sat and drank waiting for the rain to stop.
It was like david lynch wrote 2 hours of my life.
My friends went to oklahoma to this beach my friend marc told us about. Anyways we get out there and start drinking it starts to rain. By this time we are already buzzing quite nicely so we decided to just stay and swim and drink in the rain.
30 beers later its still raining, and we are completely trashed. anyways, these hicks with this huge truck drive down and we somehow start talking to them. By this time it starts pouring rain and it starts to lightning, and we end up going back to their "house" (read: shack). Obviously this is not the smartest idea, however, its literally raining too hard to drive and we couldn't stay on the beach with all the lightning.
Turns out these guys (all about 17-20) had recently robbed a vet and are snorting elk tranquilizers. One guy looks about 18 but he is ripped hardcore, has to be on steroids, and he is throwing this knife a dart board on the wall from like 10 feet away, and he hits the middle EVERY TIME. So me and my 2 friends are just sitting on the couch watching. Knife dude keeps asking us if we want to snort a line of the stuff they stole. we politely turn down the offer. Another dude (the guy that owns the house) jumps up into his ceiling fan (moving full speed) and breaks it with his head, and laughs. then proceeds to snort another line of elk tranq. This other girl is sitting on the floor with her hands around her knees looking down and shaking back and forth. she looks like she has been coming down from a tweak binge for 3 or 4 days. The whole time rain is slamming on the tin roof and water is leaking everywhere, and we just sat and drank waiting for the rain to stop.
It was like david lynch wrote 2 hours of my life.
Drinky Crow
Banned
When I was 15, I spent a week of the summer at a second aunt's house out in the boonies of Lewis County near Ford's Prairie while my parents took a vacation. The old gal kept these rabbits in hutches in a sort of haphazard row in her backyard, for no earthly reason; she didn't play with them, or sell them, or eat them: she just kept them. We'd ask why the hell she had 'em, and she just said she liked the company. She didn't ever let them out of their hutches!
Anyway, the weather was really weird towards the middle of the week, and with the way her isolated little acreage was nestled between the two hills there, it made the clouds throw really long shadows. We always figured it was a weird place, and we used to scare ourselves shitless when we'd go out cruisin' around her property on our shitty little Honda 80 dirt bikes, figuring ghosts or vampire would lurch out of the old orchards like shit from Salem's Lot.
It didn't help that my second aunt believed in ghosts and demons and stuff. She told us the place was haunted, and it used to make me freak out at night. I swear I saw the checkboard pattern of moonlight coming through the wicker shutters of the little guest room form a woman's grim face once, but I kinda easily dismissed it in the morning. Well, until the shit went down on the Saturday of that week that made me think the place might actually *be* messed up.
We came in from running around the property that day, and the old gal was really jittery. We asked her what was up but she wouldn't say anything; she just said it was a "bad day" and that the air was "prickly" and she didn't like it. It did kinda have that ionized humid feeling around the house, like the atmosphere right before a thunderstorm. We spooked ourselves until dinner by talking about how her dog that died earlier that year was gonna come back as a skeleton and kill my brother because he'd kicked it a few times when he was younger.
Anyway, we had dinner on her little open air patio, and while we were eating, the sunlight got really weird, like everything had slowed down a bit. My stomach kinda hurt funny all of a sudden, although it coulda been her nasty goulash. I swear, though, this shadow kinda fell over everything, but I can't remember feeling afraid or anything; I just remember how the motes of dust and cobweb kinda hung in the wair, and how the weird ruddy glow of the sunset sorta turned black for a really odd moment. My brother said he heard voices and they made his skin crawl, but I don't remember that; I just remember everything being red and black and really still. There was this horrible rattling noice, and it's like we all kinda woke up, and then we heard the most awful screaming.
My aunt ran out to the back where the rabbit hutches were, 'cuz that was where the screaming was coming from; she figured someone had gotten hurt back there, maybe on the barbed wire she'd strung around 'em to keep the coyotes out. We followed, and we didn't see anything, until we looked in the hutches.
The rabbits were all dead, cleanly decapitated. The locks were untouched, and the hutches unviolated. The heads were missing, and they never turned up. My aunt freaked the hell out, screaming at us, saying that we had pulled a prank when we were out playing. She called my mom and dad when their plane came in the next day, but my parents refused to buy that we would do something like that, and we sure as fuck knew we hadn't. We never got invited back, and my parents haven't talked to her since then.
Something fucked up was going on around that property, but I have no idea what. Sometimes I can't believe it myself.
Anyway, the weather was really weird towards the middle of the week, and with the way her isolated little acreage was nestled between the two hills there, it made the clouds throw really long shadows. We always figured it was a weird place, and we used to scare ourselves shitless when we'd go out cruisin' around her property on our shitty little Honda 80 dirt bikes, figuring ghosts or vampire would lurch out of the old orchards like shit from Salem's Lot.
It didn't help that my second aunt believed in ghosts and demons and stuff. She told us the place was haunted, and it used to make me freak out at night. I swear I saw the checkboard pattern of moonlight coming through the wicker shutters of the little guest room form a woman's grim face once, but I kinda easily dismissed it in the morning. Well, until the shit went down on the Saturday of that week that made me think the place might actually *be* messed up.
We came in from running around the property that day, and the old gal was really jittery. We asked her what was up but she wouldn't say anything; she just said it was a "bad day" and that the air was "prickly" and she didn't like it. It did kinda have that ionized humid feeling around the house, like the atmosphere right before a thunderstorm. We spooked ourselves until dinner by talking about how her dog that died earlier that year was gonna come back as a skeleton and kill my brother because he'd kicked it a few times when he was younger.
Anyway, we had dinner on her little open air patio, and while we were eating, the sunlight got really weird, like everything had slowed down a bit. My stomach kinda hurt funny all of a sudden, although it coulda been her nasty goulash. I swear, though, this shadow kinda fell over everything, but I can't remember feeling afraid or anything; I just remember how the motes of dust and cobweb kinda hung in the wair, and how the weird ruddy glow of the sunset sorta turned black for a really odd moment. My brother said he heard voices and they made his skin crawl, but I don't remember that; I just remember everything being red and black and really still. There was this horrible rattling noice, and it's like we all kinda woke up, and then we heard the most awful screaming.
My aunt ran out to the back where the rabbit hutches were, 'cuz that was where the screaming was coming from; she figured someone had gotten hurt back there, maybe on the barbed wire she'd strung around 'em to keep the coyotes out. We followed, and we didn't see anything, until we looked in the hutches.
The rabbits were all dead, cleanly decapitated. The locks were untouched, and the hutches unviolated. The heads were missing, and they never turned up. My aunt freaked the hell out, screaming at us, saying that we had pulled a prank when we were out playing. She called my mom and dad when their plane came in the next day, but my parents refused to buy that we would do something like that, and we sure as fuck knew we hadn't. We never got invited back, and my parents haven't talked to her since then.
Something fucked up was going on around that property, but I have no idea what. Sometimes I can't believe it myself.
TheQueen'sOwn
insert blank space here
He's clearly stealing your lives so that he can fluff up his life and get the girl! Don't do it!
Drinky Crow
Banned
no idea.
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