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[Twilight Gap]

I've reached a point in my life where I can no longer run from the mistakes that I have made. I'm at a fork in the road and there are 3 paths to take.

The first path is to continue along my current route. This path will end in destruction of myself, my dreams and the relationships i have with everyone around me. It's akin to doing absolutely nothing and riding out the storm to see where I end up.

The second path is death. I've been intermittently suicidal for about 5 years now (for somewhat unrelated reasons). I did the whole hotline medication rehab detail and it didn't work. Or perhaps I didn't put enough into it? Either way, I've always held this route as an escape route - disconnecting the modem instead of fighting through or accepting the loss, so to speak. I've gotten close more than I care to admit, but I guess there's a reason why I haven't yet.

The third path is probably the hardest path and it's why this decision isn't easy for me. To put it simply, it's the "righteous" path where I turn my life around and become a success story. It's the happy miraculous ending that repairs wounds, rejuvenates me with a new life of purpose and makes everything better.

And that terrifies me because I don't think I deserve it. I don't think I can abandon who I am completely and become a different person. It feels more like running away than suicide does. I'm more afraid of waking up and not recognizing myself than I am of never waking up.

I'm not going to detail the events that transpired to this. Take my word for it - none of you would think twice about condemning me for it. And I wouldn't blame you - I have a conscience and it's why I am overridden with guilt and shame.

The third path requires me to confess all of that and leave it behind. I've been raised in a somewhat religious household. It's not as cut and dry as other families, but the majority of everyone I know associates with some form of faith. I have an extremely forgiving family and I am thankful for that.

But the whole spiritual thing hasn't clicked for me. I'm not going to say I know all the answers, but I never understood how something out there could claim to be so many things and then let so many bad things happen. I feel like I'm one of those bad things and it doesn't make any sense to me that I can just supernaturally cleanse myself of that and become a different person. It isn't simply a matter of saying some words or speaking to a counselor. What worries me is what will happen to me afterwards. Even if everyone forgave and forget, I would never forget. I remember every single mistake that I've made since I was 5 years old. Curiously, that is when I remember committing my first "sin". Those small mistakes swelled into big mistakes and it's been one big mess every year since. Perhaps my memory is my conscience's way of holding these mistakes over me.

The good news is that I'm relatively young. I haven't teetered over any of the paths yet and I have one more chance to get this right. As far as support, I have all the support I can get and I honestly have a very bright future.

But I'm petrified. I fear what I might do, what I might not do, and what I have to do. I know what I have to do - I know what the right thing to do is - but it is so fucking hard to take a step towards it.

I appreciate anyone who's taken the time to read this. I know there isn't much room for participation and I'm not somebody who has impacted many people, so I'm not asking anything from anyone. I just needed to vent some of this insane pressure on my chest.

 

[Zombine]

I think the best advice I can give you is to remove this pre-conceived notion that there are only a finite amount of possibilities for where your life is headed. Your day to day life is organic and always changing. Focus on small victories and plan out long term goals for yourself to strive toward. Look into job opportunities in civil service, attend your local community college and work towards an associates in a field with endless opportunities, meet some new people at a get together, clubs online dating, Ect. And focus on hobbies and other things that can help center your mind.

You can do it OP, just know that it doesn't happen over night, and stop saying you only have 3 choices in life.

 

[Surface of Me]

It sounds like the religious talk might have gotten to your head in a bad way. The way you talk of "sinning" since age 5 and remembering every mistake, it doesn't sound healthy. I have a sense that the events you talk about leading up to this, truly arent as bad as you think because of this. I could be wrong, but outside of something like rape or killing a dude, I cant imagine it being as bad as you describe. Everyone can make peace, everyone deserves happiness. You deserve happiness. Have you thought about counseling or therapy? It would be a god way for you to tell your story to someone and have it be confidential. It would also likely provide a fresh perspective to your issues from someone not coming from a church POV. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

 

[geomon]

Everything Zombine said. And please, continue to get help. It's not a quick fix.

 

[Efren is G.O.A.T.]

No retreat no surrender!

 

[half a moon]

I think everyone has a right to throw away the bad crap they've done and be a better person. You don't need religion.

You're not in jail, so you haven't done anything that bad.

 

[Makki]

Is the wrong doing caused by you being the person you think you are? It almost sounds like you are gay or you identify as a different gender and the religious part is making you think its wrong when it is perfectly ok. If I misjudged your issue forgive me, but the vagueness and the religious context made me think it was that. Maybe you can tell us what the main issue is that is causing you to feel option 3 means you will be a different person

 

[Omega Ultimus]

I'm not a psychiatrist (and I would sincerely recommend you to seek one out), but let's talk this through: why don't you think you deserve a happy life? Why are you afraid of becoming a "new person"? You mention that you'd be "unrecognizable", but how so?

 

[Twilight Gap]

It sounds like the religious talk might have gotten to your head in a bad way. The way you talk of "sinning" since age 5 and remembering every mistake, it doesn't sound healthy. I have a sense that the events you talk about leading up to this, truly arent as bad as you think because of this. I could be wrong, but outside of something like rape or killing a dude, I cant imagine it being as bad as you describe. Everyone can make peace, everyone deserves happiness. You deserve happiness. Have you thought about counseling or therapy? It would be a god way for you to tell your story to someone and have it be confidential. It would also likely provide a fresh perspective to your issues from someone not coming from a church POV. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

i don't need to hear from religious people to know that i've done bad things. the difference between now in then is that i didn't know better when i was little. each time i was corrected, i strayed back off of the path. when i was young, i was protected from it and it wasn't held over me.

i had a therapist for a few years around the time i did rehab, medication for bipolar II and several other avenues. i went through the system for help and i thought it worked for a while until i relapsed. i didn't want to do it again because the meds made me feel like shit and medical bills were astronomical (my rehab facility cost $1000 a day and i spent a month over several visits in there). i didn't want to put my parents through that again, so i tried to fix things on my own.

I think everyone has a right to throw away the bad crap they've done and be a better person.

You're not in jail, so you haven't done anything that bad.

because i haven't gone with the first option.

 

[choodi]

Sounds like you've already made your decision to make a change for the better, so stop procrastinating, summon your courage and go for it.

Don't look back once you do either. That way lies ruin.

 

[triplestation]

You have potential to make your life great like the rest of us so don't waste it

Look forward not backward

 

[half a moon]

i


because i haven't gone with the first option.

Well literally everyone can say fuck it and do whatever until they wind up on jail. You choose not to at some point.

Even when you're in jail you have the right to choose to and are allowed to be a better person.

 

[Orbis Tabula]

It's hard to say with certainty, since we don't really know what the Bad Thing in your life that's motivating all of this is. But in general, I say the third path sounds good. Admit where you've failed, try to move on and become a stronger person for it. People have come back from extraordinary things.

 

[Twilight Gap]

Is the wrong doing caused by you being the person you think you are? It almost sounds like you are gay or you identify as a different gender and the religious part is making you think its wrong when it is perfectly ok. If I misjudged your issue forgive me, but the vagueness and the religious context made me think it was that. Maybe you can tell us what the main issue is that is causing you to feel option 3 means you will be a different person

this isn't really a case of "accept god or get out the house". my parents aren't bigots and they don't force faith on me.

but i have been given an ultimatum right now and it requires me to leave and seek help, whether it's spiritual help or help from the system. i did the system thing for years and it was ultimately a burst of spiritual enlightenment that "set me free", so to speak. I was genuinely happy in that moment and i thought things got better. But when I got out, I was faced with reality once again and i couldn't keep up with it. instead of becoming a better person, I became bitter and closed-up. every negative thought and emotion possible festered inside of my mind and some of them materialized. at one point I completely abandoned empathy. i don't judge people because i know at any given point i'm the worst person in the room. again, I believe that entirely of my own volition.

part of the reason i'm confused is because i don't understand why i'm being given another chance. this person with my face that seems to be knocking from the other side of the glass isn't who I know I am, and becoming that person means I'd be giving up a life that part of me isn't ready to leave behind.

 

[Piecake]

I think you might benefit from mindfulness meditation

As for past mistakes and not feeling worthy, the best way that you can make up for those past mistakes is to try your best to succeed, be the best person you can possibly be and then help others who are having trouble. Learn from your past mistakes in order to make better choices and improve your life. You deserve to have a good, fulfilling life.

I mean, why take a path that will lead to either you giving up or self-destruction when all that path is only easier? It is easier because it takes no effort. It certainly doesnt lead to a happier life, a fulfilled life, a life that you can feel good about yourself and feel like you have atoned for any sins that you think you have committed. Is there really a choice when you think like it in those terms?

 

[Twilight Gap]

I think the best advice I can give you is to remove this pre-conceived notion that there are only a finite amount of possibilities for where your life is headed. Your day to day life is organic and always changing. Focus on small victories and plan out long term goals for yourself to strive toward. Look into job opportunities in civil service, attend your local community college and work towards an associates in a field with endless opportunities, meet some new people at a get together, clubs online dating, Ect. And focus on hobbies and other things that can help center your mind.

You can do it OP, just know that it doesn't happen over night, and stop saying you only have 3 choices in life.

right now, i only have those 3 choices. if i overcame this trial, i would have those infinite a opportunities available to me and all the support i could ask for. but i've never asked for it because i've always been too afraid and ashamed.

i'm by no means the first person to go through this or overcome it, but i really don't think i'm the one with the happy ending. forgiving myself of the guilt and achieving happiness seems wrong and unfair. i've felt that remembering every wrong i've done was my penance and relieving myself of that would be running away.

 

[Twilight Gap]

I think you might benefit from mindfulness meditation

As for past mistakes and not feeling worthy, the best way that you can make up for those past mistakes is to try your best to succeed, be the best person you can possibly be and then help others who are having trouble. Learn from your past mistakes in order to make better choices and improve your life. You deserve to have a good, fulfilling life.

I mean, why take a path that will lead to either you giving up or self-destruction when all that path is only easier? It is easier because it takes no effort. It certainly doesnt lead to a happier life, a fulfilled life, a life that you can feel good about yourself and feel like you have atoned for any sins that you think you have committed. Is there really a choice when you think like it in those terms?

success is scary. even when a person atones for their past, it can always come back to bite them. i've always felt that would happen to me and i can't go forward trying to find fulfillment with that in my subconscious.

 

[Zombine]

right now, i only have those 3 choices. if i overcame this trial, i would have those infinite a opportunities available to me and all the support i could ask for. but i've never asked for it because i've always been too afraid and ashamed.

i'm by no means the first person to go through this or overcome it, but i really don't think i'm the one with the happy ending. forgiving myself of the guilt and achieving happiness seems wrong and unfair. i've felt that remembering every wrong i've done was my penance and relieving myself of that would be running away.

I feel like you read through what I said, instead of actually digesting it. You're trying to deal in absolutes and that's not how life works. You have to compromise and work toward short term goals. These short term goals will eventually open up this "good" route of you refuse to drop this "pathway" terminology. Nothing gets better over night, but you have to be willing to accept that and move forward and take each day slowly and find peace in the things you enjoy. You'll get there, it just takes a while.

 

[janoDX]

I went on a 6 year limbo where I had nothing to do and I was a good for nothing, only failures and fears, it took me those 6 years of crying myself to sleep because I couldn't do anything to right the ship until I realized that I needed to hold my head up and look forward, it's hard at the first days, months, accepting your mistakes and tell someone "yes, I fucked up", I couldn't look at some of my friends faces because of my failures until I accepted them, but at the end those are mistakes and as humans we make them, some more than others.

You need to look forward to the future, maybe don't make a life project, but try to start making your life good one day at a time.

 

[Twilight Gap]

I feel like you read through what I said, instead of actually digesting it. You're trying to deal in absolutes and that's not how life works. You have to compromise and work toward short term goals. These short term goals will eventually open up this "good" route of you refuse to drop this "pathway" terminology. Nothing gets better over night, but you have to be willing to accept that and move forward and take each day slowly and find peace in the things you enjoy. You'll get there, it just takes a while.

that's part of the reason this is difficult. i've never been one to compromise, nor have i participated in something intermediary between goals. i always saw it as a waste of time. "why go through something that doesn't make me happy when i can do something else that does?"

it's obviously shortsighted and i don't doubt that's probably part of the problem because it's a limitation i'm imposing on myself. but even were i to formally acknowledge that, it'd still mean stepping into uncharted territory. only this isn't really a small step and it's not something i can do for a short time. this is something i'd have to maintain and follow through and it has to be permanent. otherwise i really will be wasting time and creating more lies to hide behind. i'd be more miserable.

Are you gay?

i am not, but i can't say more or i wont even be able to consider choice 3.

 

[dofry]

Are you gay?
Edit: i am just asking, not being unpolite.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

I'd say get back on medication.
What state are you in? Maybe you can get covered under medicaid.

 

[Twilight Gap]

I'd say get back on medication.
What state are you in? Maybe you can get covered under medicaid.

georgia. i think my coverage ended in january so i'm uninsured.

the medications i was on were for depression and mood swings. i don't have as many of those as i used to, but i can't say it did much to curb them. all i did was gain a few pounds and sleep more than normal.

 

[Arkeband]

I think you're going to have to give us some kind of vague idea of what the heck you're talking about for us to give you any real good advice, otherwise it's just going to be broad-strokes pep talks and you're already arguing with those.

 

[Piecake]

success is scary. even when a person atones for their past, it can always come back to bite them. i've always felt that would happen to me and i can't go forward trying to find fulfillment with that in my subconscious.

How could your past come back to bite you? And even if it did happen, how would it be any worse than you self-destructing? And even if it did come back to bite you, so what? You meet that challenge head on and overcome it. You don't crumble and retreat, you deal with the issue when it arises at move on.

I could be wrong, but success is likely scary to you because there is a chance of you failing and failure seems overwhelming.

https://teachingcommons.stanford.edu/teaching-talk/“growth-mindset”-interventions

I would look into fixed and growth mindsets. I had a fixed mindset for a long time, and I think you might have one too. Basically, a fixed mindset is characterized by a belief that intelligence/ability determines success and that ability is a fixed constant that cannot be changed. The issue with this is it results in people being very risk averse and little resilience to failure because failure means that the person is not intelligent or capable. Repeated failure can lead to an even more debilitating mindset of learned helplessness where the person does not bother to try because the person is afraid to failure and then has the mindset reinforced when he/she fails because he/she didnt try.

What is hopeful is that there is developing a growth mindset is not difficult. You simply need to realize that success is determined by effort and that you can achieve success if you put in enough effort. If you fail, it simply means that you need to try again and put in MORE effort. Not only is this sort of thinking FAR more beneficial to you, but it is actually backed up by a research in cognitive psychology because what intelligence is is basically prior knowledge, and prior knowledge can be attained through work and effort. Not to mention that there is a lot of data out there that suggest that effort is a much better predictor of success than intelligence.

I think you are afraid to fail. Don't be. That does not mean that you are a failure of a person. That simply means that you failed once and that you need to try again. If your past comes to bite you in the ass, face it, deal with it, overcome it, and continue working towards your success. Effort and persistence are the attributes that matter because those make a successful person.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

georgia. i think my coverage ended in january so i'm uninsured.

the medications i was on were for depression and mood swings. i don't have as many of those as i used to, but i can't say it did much to curb them. all i did was gain a few pounds and sleep more than normal.

I know the side effects well, it's just sometimes the side effects are worth it. And you sometimes have other people tell you how better you are on medication.

It really helps having a good psychiatrist with a enough care and a decent relationship, but that's hard to come by. Try your local county health clinic if you have one close by.

 

[Twilight Gap]

How could your past come back to bite you? And even if it did happen, how would it be any worse than you self-destructing? And even if it did come back to bite you, so what? You meet that challenge head on and overcome it. You don't crumble and retreat, you deal with the issue when it arises at move on.

I could be wrong, but success is likely scary to you because there is a chance of you failing and failure seems overwhelming.

https://teachingcommons.stanford.edu/teaching-talk/“growth-mindset”-interventions

I would look into fixed and growth mindsets. I had a fixed mindset for a long time, and I think you might have one too. Basically, a fixed mindset is characterized by a belief that intelligence/ability determines success and that ability is a fixed constant that cannot be changed. The issue with this is it results in people being very risk averse and little resilience to failure because failure means that the person is not intelligent or capable. Repeated failure can lead to an even more debilitating mindset of learned helplessness where the person does not bother to try because the person is afraid to failure and then has the mindset reinforced when he/she fails because he/she didnt try.

What is hopeful is that there is developing a growth mindset is not difficult. You simply need to realize that success is determined by effort and that you can achieve success if you put in enough effort. If you fail, it simply means that you need to try again and put in MORE effort. Not only is this sort of thinking FAR more beneficial to you, but it is actually backed up by a research in cognitive psychology because what intelligence is is basically prior knowledge, and prior knowledge can be attained through work and effort. Not to mention that there is a lot of data out there that suggest that effort is a much better predictor of success than intelligence.

I think you are afraid to fail. Don't be. That does not mean that you are a failure of a person. That simply means that you failed once and that you need to try again. If your past comes to bite you in the ass, face it, deal with it, overcome it, and continue working towards your success. Effort and persistence are the attributes that matter because those make a successful person.

you're right. i'm afraid of failure and rejection because i know success can be taken away from me at any moment. before i ended up in this pit, i was sharp, strong willed and radiating. i always stood out rather than fit in and that isolation led to rejection. that rejection killed my confidence and i turned to unhealthy avenues to deal with it.

going with choice 3 means putting all of that out in the open and then doing a 180. with time, i'll become a stronger version of the person i once was. that is very obvious to me and it all sounds great on paper - even if i do end up having to "compromise" parts of it.

but i will never escape my biggest failures. learning, correcting and atoning for them simply isn't enough. if i forget, it'll come back to me when i least expect it. and if i don't forget, i'll never be free of it even if it goes away.

I think you're going to have to give us some kind of vague idea of what the heck you're talking about for us to give you any real good advice, otherwise it's just going to be broad-strokes pep talks and you're already arguing with those.

i know it's difficult to understand where i'm coming from but i really can't say more about it. that doesn't make for a very compelling thread, but i don't want to add another mistake to the list before i make a choice.

 

[zephry]

As a Christian, I want to say pray for guidance. I don't know how but I've always found my way through difficult times. There had been times I felt like suicide would be a easier way out. If I made that choice I would have never met my wife and my son. You seem like a young man who has a good self awareness and want to move forward with life. Don't give up.

 

[HUELEN10]

you're right. i'm afraid of failure and rejection because i know success can be taken away from me at any moment. before i ended up in this pit, i was sharp, strong willed and radiating. i always stood out rather than fit in and that isolation led to rejection. that rejection killed my confidence and i turned to unhealthy avenues to deal with it.

going with choice 3 means putting all of that out in the open and then doing a 180. with time, i'll become a stronger version of the person i once was. that is very obvious to me and it all sounds great on paper - even if i do end up having to "compromise" parts of it.

but i will never escape my biggest failures. learning, correcting and atoning for them simply isn't enough. if i forget, it'll come back to me when i least expect it. and if i don't forget, i'll never be free of it even if it goes away.

Why isn't it enough? You say you had a bit of a religious upbringing, did you grow up believing that correcting mistakes is not enough? Not hating on it, just trying to better asses the situation. Are you so mighty and infallible that you must suffer through your own self-imposed misery for prior misdeeds? Are your failures greater than your worth?

Think about it, you're worth more than you think. Anywho, I'll be up for an hour; audio Skype me if you need to talk to someone.

 

[Piecake]

you're right. i'm afraid of failure and rejection because i know success can be taken away from me at any moment. before i ended up in this pit, i was sharp, strong willed and radiating. i always stood out rather than fit in and that isolation led to rejection. that rejection killed my confidence and i turned to unhealthy avenues to deal with it.

going with choice 3 means putting all of that out in the open and then doing a 180. with time, i'll become a stronger version of the person i once was. that is very obvious to me and it all sounds great on paper - even if i do end up having to "compromise" parts of it.

but i will never escape my biggest failures. learning, correcting and atoning for them simply isn't enough. if i forget, it'll come back to me when i least expect it. and if i don't forget, i'll never be free of it even if it goes away.

Why? You keep on saying that, but it honestly doesnt make much sense. Learn from your failures because failures are meant to be things to be learned from, not an indicator that you are a failure. Everyone fails. I've failed. What is important is what you do after your failure, not the failure itself.

You need to change your mindset and how you view things, and right now it does not seem like you are very willing to do that. I mean, you just focused on all the negative parts of my post to reconfirm your view of yourself. Stop that. Change your mindset. Forgive yourself and start working towards something positive. If you fail, so what? Try again.

Seriously, do mindfulness meditation.

 

[Omega Ultimus]

you're right. i'm afraid of failure and rejection because i know success can be taken away from me at any moment. before i ended up in this pit, i was sharp, strong willed and radiating. i always stood out rather than fit in and that isolation led to rejection. that rejection killed my confidence and i turned to unhealthy avenues to deal with it.

going with choice 3 means putting all of that out in the open and then doing a 180. with time, i'll become a stronger version of the person i once was. that is very obvious to me and it all sounds great on paper - even if i do end up having to "compromise" parts of it.

but i will never escape my biggest failures. learning, correcting and atoning for them simply isn't enough. if i forget, it'll come back to me when i least expect it. and if i don't forget, i'll never be free of it even if it goes away.

As someone who has had to deal with the irrationality of the fear of failure, you need to realize that failure is embedded into every decision we make. It's something that we can often avoid, but sometimes mistakes happen or circumstances become uncontrollable. Do your best to learn from the mistakes that will come, and be someone that can be depended on in situations that may not be anyone's fault.

Doesn't the idea of success tantalize you? Instead of living in perpetual failure, embrace the success that you deserve (you do deserve it, and I can tell you're denying yourself this because of some mis-attributed shame).

Also, there's a difference between accepting and correcting one's mistakes, and letting those mistakes define you as a person. You're doing the latter, and you need to make peace with yourself on these past troubles.

 

[dofry]

Hmmm, at least you are talking about things here which is great. Talking always helps. If you leave it bottled inside, it evolves into something else intirely. That's the problem with silence. You start to create ideas that possibly do not exists about you, others and how people perceive you.

Your non-option two is bullshit. You already know it is selfish and it is only because it is feels easier just to give up. There are a shitload of gaffers who have had depression and can help with the thoughts involved. I used to take meds for depression, and at that time I felt they helped me. But looking back and assessing my current self, either the meds changed me a bit, or the depression changed me. So I normally do not recommend them anymore and try to ask people to talk and seek help through that. But, if talking and getting enough rest is not possible, then meds help in gaining a bit normal routine that does not involve physical tiredness. Now that I am over my bad patch, life feels great and it is hard to understand and explain why I was like that and how strong the bad stuff was. But when I read about depression regarding my case, the symptoms were classic cases, my reasonings were typical and when I understood those, I can now recognize if I am entering a rough patch and how to prepare or lessen the blow. So read a book about your situation a bit if you can. Try and recognize how to cope with it yourself a bit too.

Anyway, if you haven't really opened up to anyone, you should. If it really is bad, you deal with the consequences. But at least you will feel better that you opened up.

 

[Twilight Gap]

Why isn't it enough? You say you had a bit of a religious upbringing, did you grow up believing that correcting mistakes is not enough? Not hating on it, just trying to better asses the situation. Are you so mighty and infallible that you must suffer through your own self-imposed misery for prior misdeeds? Are your failures greater than your worth?

Think about it, you're worth more than you think. Anywho, I'll be up for an hour; audio Skype me if you need to talk to someone.

one reason i disconnected from that upbringing was because the whole "forgiveness" thing didn't make sense to me. confessing and apologizing for mistakes, pledging to change and even following through with that change to become a difference person doesn't remove those mistakes. i'm not exactly someone who is going to be congratulated for overcoming this problem. i could live a lifetime of good deeds and it wouldn't be enough.

i spent some time a few years ago volunteering and visiting other countries. that experience is part of the reason why i'm struggling. there are genuinely good people out there who have nothing and deserve more. i have it all and i'm a piece of shit.

 

[norm9]

Go no contact, bro.

 

[Piecake]

one reason i disconnected from that upbringing was because the whole "forgiveness" thing didn't make sense to me. confessing and apologizing for mistakes, pledging to change and even following through with that change to become a difference person doesn't remove those mistakes. i'm not exactly someone who is going to be congratulated for overcoming this problem. i could live a lifetime of good deeds and it wouldn't be enough.

i spent some time a few years ago volunteering and visiting other countries. that experience is part of the reason why i'm struggling. there are genuinely good people out there who have nothing and deserve more. i have it all and i'm a piece of shit.

This is a very unhealthy attitude and view. Stop obsessing about your mistakes and failures in your past. You can't do anything about them. It makes absolutely no sense to give up because you had failures in your past. The point of learning and overcoming failures is not to tip the scales to the good side or to be congratulated by other people, it is to live the most successful and fulfilling life that you can lead from THIS point forward.

 

[Twilight Gap]

As someone who has had to deal with the irrationality of the fear of failure, you need to realize that failure is embedded into every decision we make. It's something that we can often avoid, but sometimes mistakes happen or circumstances become uncontrollable. Do your best to learn from the mistakes that will come, and be someone that can be depended on in situations that may not be anyone's fault.

Doesn't the idea of success tantalize you? Instead of living in perpetual failure, embrace the success that you deserve (you do deserve it, and I can tell you're denying yourself this because of some mis-attributed shame).

Also, there's a difference between accepting and correcting one's mistakes, and letting those mistakes define you as a person. You're doing the latter, and you need to make peace with yourself on these past troubles.

Why? You keep on saying that, but it honestly doesnt make much sense. Learn from your failures because failures are meant to be things to be learned from, not an indicator that you are a failure. Everyone fails. I've failed. What is important is what you do after your failure, not the failure itself.

You need to change your mindset and how you view things, and right now it does not seem like you are very willing to do that. I mean, you just focused on all the negative parts of my post to reconfirm your view of yourself. Stop that. Change your mindset. Forgive yourself and start working towards something positive. If you fail, so what? Try again.

Seriously, do mindfulness meditation.

i'm worried that focusing on this aspect is a bad idea but i'm trying to paint a better picture.

i can forgive myself but society doesn't. this is why i'm afraid of trying. failures are both discouraging and learning opportunities. i'm not the best at dealing with these despite being aware of that, so i'd like to try shifting my perspective on them to encourage them. being afraid of failure is one reason why i have a hard time committing to things. i've always known it was my biggest weakness.

however, that's only part of the internal struggle i'm dealing with. the other part is the impending doom. if i change and if i succeed and if things i have taken responsibility for rear their ugly heads at a later date, will it destroy everything i have built since?

i've never seen a case where the answer was no. and nothing short of me curing cancer would make me the first case.

i want to move forward - i really do. i'm fucking tired of being stuck in a rut. but i'd sooner take the past to the grave with me now while it is unknown than carry it into the future with me and risk it blowing up.

 

[ZackieChan]

I feel like there really need to be some details, however anonymized, in order to actually give you advice here. There are a lot of people who overplay and underplay the bad things they've done - without some perspective, we have no idea if telling you to "move past it" or whatever is good advice.

 

[xxracerxx]

i can forgive myself but society doesn't.

Without more details it is hard for people to give advice.

 

[HUELEN10]

OP, if you don't want to divulge stuff publically on GAF, feel free to PM/Skype anyone willing in this thread; there are those of us that realize that sometimes you can't go into details and respect privacy in difficult matters.

 

[Cuyejo]

Was it anything illegal per se?

 

[Monocle]

Sounds like you're trapped in a destructive way of thinking. You should really talk this out with a neutral third party, a professional who can guide you to a healthier outlook and help you work toward some constructive goals. No, you can't forget or erase your past mistakes, but you can learn to live in spite of them.

It's no use worrying about whether or not you deserve a second chance. The world isn't some mechanism that punishes or rewards people according to what they deserve. All anyone can do is make the best of what they have. If you waste your opportunity to make a good life for yourself, it's almost a slap in the face to everyone who will never get that chance.

After you've turned your life around, if you still feel guilty or undeserving, you'll be in a better position to help people less fortunate than you. That's as good a reason as any to take the harder path.

 

[Omega Ultimus]

i'm worried that focusing on this aspect is a bad idea but i'm trying to paint a better picture.

i can forgive myself but society doesn't. this is why i'm afraid of trying. failures are both discouraging and learning opportunities. i'm not the best at dealing with these despite being aware of that, so i'd like to try shifting my perspective on them to encourage them. being afraid of failure is one reason why i have a hard time committing to things. i've always known it was my biggest weakness.

however, that's only part of the internal struggle i'm dealing with. the other part is the impending doom. if i change and if i succeed and if things i have taken responsibility for rear their ugly heads at a later date, will it destroy everything i have built since?

i've never seen a case where the answer was no. and nothing short of me curing cancer would make me the first case.

i want to move forward - i really do. i'm fucking tired of being stuck in a rut. but i'd sooner take the past to the grave with me now while it is unknown than carry it into the future with me and risk it blowing up.

I'm going to focus on your insistence on this "impending doom" part, because I feel like this is what is really poisoning your life, and is probably responsible for your apprehension to move on.

Whatever you did, there is still a chance for you to find personal peace and happiness. Unless this event happened very recently, and there are no legal ramifications currently affecting you, then worrying about it is pointless. Do you worry about a supervolcano eruption, or having tumors in your body at this moment? Think for a second, and realize that dwelling on life-ending issues that haven't shown any signs of appearing is counter-intuitive to the process of living. Why not be happy while you can?

Unfortunately, this is all I can say without knowing what you actually did. If you want to PM me, you can. I'll listen to what you have to say, and help you as far as I can. I'll respond tomorrow, because it's late here.

 

[Twilight Gap]

OP, if you don't want to divulge stuff publically on GAF, feel free to PM/Skype anyone willing in this thread; there are those of us that realize that sometimes you can't go into details and respect privacy in difficult matters.

i appreciate the offer but i'd really rather keep it private. for now at least venting these things has calmed me down.

Hmmm, at least you are talking about things here which is great. Talking always helps. If you leave it bottled inside, it evolves into something else intirely. That's the problem with silence. You start to create ideas that possibly do not exists about you, others and how people perceive you.

Your non-option two is bullshit. You already know it is selfish and it is only because it is feels easier just to give up. There are a shitload of gaffers who have had depression and can help with the thoughts involved. I used to take meds for depression, and at that time I felt they helped me. But looking back and assessing my current self, either the meds changed me a bit, or the depression changed me. So I normally do not recommend them anymore and try to ask people to talk and seek help through that. But, if talking and getting enough rest is not possible, then meds help in gaining a bit normal routine that does not involve physical tiredness. Now that I am over my bad patch, life feels great and it is hard to understand and explain why I was like that and how strong the bad stuff was. But when I read about depression regarding my case, the symptoms were classic cases, my reasonings were typical and when I understood those, I can now recognize if I am entering a rough patch and how to prepare or lessen the blow. So read a book about your situation a bit if you can. Try and recognize how to cope with it yourself a bit too.

Anyway, if you haven't really opened up to anyone, you should. If it really is bad, you deal with the consequences. But at least you will feel better that you opened up.

i've opened up to several people who have thankfully been impartial, but doing so has caused trouble before. my dad is supportive and wants to help me. choice three is what he thinks will mend things and set me on a better path. he's scheduled for me to speak to somebody this weekend to try and get me started but i'm very anxious about it.

 

[Ganhyun]

Zoba,

If your father is trying to help you through it and is not condemning you, I don't think that everyone else will condemn you either. I know that is said without knowing what you did, but people mess up. We all make mistakes. Some of us worse than others, but we have the power to forgive each other.

I'll be honest with you, I know you stopped playing Destiny and making videos, but I enjoyed those videos and you helped me become a better player with them. I just wanted you to know that you've done positive things too, even if they seem trivial.

 

[Twilight Gap]

I'm going to focus on your insistence on this "impending doom" part, because I feel like this is what is really poisoning your life, and is probably responsible for your apprehension to move on.

Whatever you did, there is still a chance for you to find personal peace and happiness. Unless this event happened very recently, and there are no legal ramifications currently affecting you, then worrying about it is pointless. Do you worry about a supervolcano eruption, or having tumors in your body at this moment? Think for a second, and realize that dwelling on life-ending issues that haven't shown any signs of appearing is counter-intuitive to the process of living. Why not be happy while you can?

Unfortunately, this is all I can say without knowing what you actually did. If you want to PM me, you can. I'll listen to what you have to say, and help you as far as I can. I'll respond tomorrow, because it's late here.

if my name enters the system for this, i'm as good as dead. it's literally a super volcano waiting to blow. the life i want to life comes with dirt diggers and it is only a matter of time before somebody finds the magma chamber.

everything i've been working towards since this ordeal started has been an effort to materialize my story - the one where this has a happy ending. i wanted to dedicate those creations to helping people in a similar situation. maybe instead of living it vicariously, it'll end up coming true, and i'd love to life to see it. but i'm desperately afraid that it'll be taken away from me before i do.

 

[Omega Ultimus]

Zoba, regardless of what it was that happened, you're killing yourself by letting it dominate every thought you make. If you truly desire a good life, you've got to wean yourself from this self-destructive idea. Learn to enjoy your life for the moment. We all have so much little of it, no matter who you are.

It's good that you have people to lean on, and it would be in your best interest to listen to what advice they have to offer. In case you ever feel like a burden to them, remind yourself that they help you because they believe in and care about you.

I hope your meeting goes well and that you can be happy again, you deserve it. I respect your declining of my PM offer, but the offer will always be on the table, no matter what you want to discuss.

 

[takriel]

It's really difficult to judge your position without knowing anything about it. But I'm glad that venting about it seems to help you.

From what I've been reading, it really sounds like you know for the most part what your unhealthy attitudes are, but are reluctant or - you think - unable to change them. One that really stands out to me is your focus on short-term satisfactory relief versus a commitment to long-term goals. That would be a good place to start in a future therapy.

Also, bipolar II is no joke. How is that being treated right now? Do you take meds or see a psychologist or psychiatrist?

 

[Absinthe]

i'm worried that focusing on this aspect is a bad idea but i'm trying to paint a better picture.

i can forgive myself but society doesn't. this is why i'm afraid of trying. failures are both discouraging and learning opportunities. i'm not the best at dealing with these despite being aware of that, so i'd like to try shifting my perspective on them to encourage them. being afraid of failure is one reason why i have a hard time committing to things. i've always known it was my biggest weakness.

however, that's only part of the internal struggle i'm dealing with. the other part is the impending doom. if i change and if i succeed and if things i have taken responsibility for rear their ugly heads at a later date, will it destroy everything i have built since?

i've never seen a case where the answer was no. and nothing short of me curing cancer would make me the first case.

i want to move forward - i really do. i'm fucking tired of being stuck in a rut. but i'd sooner take the past to the grave with me now while it is unknown than carry it into the future with me and risk it blowing up.

Like you said, you're being given another chance and when that happens you should take it.

I would say from experience, that there is a reason behind this chance and it may be difficult to see now, but once you're past all this you will not regret making the right choice.

There was a close friend of mine who went through something very difficult and ended up as a sex offender. He was in a bad way and had a one night stand with a girl who was younger than she said. Needless to say he was convicted and sent to prison. It was a huge upset for him and he struggled to get through it but eventually did. Now, some 6+ years later, he is married to a beautiful woman, has a good job, two children and is truly happy even though his past will never go away.

I know that may not help but it's important to realize that even really bad things turn into good ones once you start on the right path. You will get there and a good future has a profound effect on dealing with a bad past.

 

[Dhruv_hanom]

one reason i disconnected from that upbringing was because the whole "forgiveness" thing didn't make sense to me. confessing and apologizing for mistakes, pledging to change and even following through with that change to become a difference person doesn't remove those mistakes. i'm not exactly someone who is going to be congratulated for overcoming this problem. i could live a lifetime of good deeds and it wouldn't be enough.

i spent some time a few years ago volunteering and visiting other countries. that experience is part of the reason why i'm struggling. there are genuinely good people out there who have nothing and deserve more. i have it all and i'm a piece of shit.

I can relate to that a lot. I have been witness to a lot of disparity, it's soul crushing to watch most people not make ends meet and some barely scrapping by, living meal to meal.

"They deserve better" "They work harder" "What have you done?" "They won't survive the cold" "You don't deserve this life". I felt worthless. I started thinking about life, why we exist our purpose in this universe and the more I went down this rabbit hole the more I broke down because it's didn't make any sense.

Each and every task felt like climbing K2, from getting out of bed, to eating food and everything in between, it was too much I couldn't do it, I didn't want to do it. I just wanted to lie in my bed and wither away. " I am not worth it, none would even notice my absence".

Months went by, I did nothing I made nothing. Life was just going down and down and just like that in the deepest trenches of my mind I found purpose and reason. Wasting away won't make an iota of difference. Instead of feeling bad about disparity I could alleviate it but to do that I had to be strong and successful, everything I wasn't.

It took and still takes a lot of effort, I lost a lot of people on the way( no-one likes to be near a wreck) and It never got easy but each time I lapse I get back up faster. I know as long as I have a goal in mind I will myself up and continue forward.

Find a purpose.

 

[Twilight Gap]

Zoba, regardless of what it was that happened, you're killing yourself by letting it dominate every thought you make. If you truly desire a good life, you've got to wean yourself from this self-destructive idea. Learn to enjoy your life for the moment. We all have so much little of it, no matter who you are.

It's good that you have people to lean on, and it would be in your best interest to listen to what advice they have to offer. In case you ever feel like a burden to them, remind yourself that they help you because they believe in and care about you.

I hope your meeting goes well and that you can be happy again, you deserve it. I respect your declining of my PM offer, but the offer will always be on the table, no matter what you want to discuss.

i really do have an amazing family. it's what makes the whole thing that much more sensitive. i'm more or less the "heir" as the official first born in a very long lineage. i'm also unfortunately named after my uncle who went through a similar ordeal at my age before tragically taking his own life. every sign points to me righting that wrong. it's an intense amount of pressure and expectation that i've done nothing but fail to uphold thus far. when i asked my relatives how they felt about the two of us, they told me i didn't have to compare myself to him. however, i don't see it that way. when i'm with my uncles, they'll talk about their brother like he was such a great person. we're obviously different people with different destinies, but we're also very similar as far as the abilities we were blessed with (although i got the shorter end) and the mistakes we made. i can't help but feel like i owe part of my life to his legacy so as to not tarnish that name. i feel stuck because a irrevocable turn would destroy a lot more than just my own life. even knowing all this, i don't understand why i keep fucking up.

Like you said, you're being given another chance and when that happens you should take it.

I would say from experience, that there is a reason behind this chance and it may be difficult to see now, but once you're past all this you will not regret making the right choice.

that does give a bit of perspective. my dad said i'd either end up a better person or wind up where i started with nothing lost or gained (other than time). i suppose it wont hurt to try.