Well, I just felt a need to rant. For a few hours I've been in this really weird mood......kinda of a feeling like I'm buzzed, but without the goodness you get from it. Kind of a weird lethargic, slightly depressed, don't-really-feel-like-doing-anything-but-still-anxious-to-do-something mood......I had had a couple drinks about an hour before I started feeling like this, but I've had way more to drink and never felt like this before.
(just-finished-the-post note: that feeling is now gone, lol)
Anyway, I was thinking maybe it had something to do with my situation and the direction my life is taking. I guess I should be thankful for it, but I feel kind of weird and conflicted about it.
I'm about to go into my last semester of school at UW Madison in which I'll be taking on course (another senior year...), and I'll be moving into an apartment close to campus, and plan to live here indefinitely. I'm almost 23, and my parents will be buying me my first car (which I'm not gonna argue with, considering they bought my 16 year old sister a car a few months ago). I'll be getting some part-time job, and maybe eventually a full-time job. My parents are willing to financially support me for a while, and I'm not gonna feel guilty about it...they already feel guilty enough for raising me the way they did through highschool and not letting me do my own thing and 'explore my interests' (my dads words), so I suppose this is their way for making it up to me.
Today I looked around for apartments, found a nice studio apartment in a nice area next to a lake and fairly close to the campus (about a 5-10 minute walk to State Street if you're familiar with the area), and decided to sign the contract tomorrow.
Anyway, one of the reasons I wanted to do this was because college absolutely sucked for me, from the first month I was an introvert, a recluse, reserved, whatever you want to call it...basically I was shy, had social anxieties, was kind of depressed, and really didn't have much in the way of a social life through college, never really met any girls....I don't really need to go on. Last september I made a vow to change and improve myself, and I've been trying to since then; I got in good shape, tried to conquer my anxieties, improving my people skills, etc. So I feel like I've improved, but that my social life really hasn't...yet. Doesn't matter though, cuz it's too late, since college is pretty much over now. And that thought has had me pretty depressed for a while now......kinda funny how I was more content with my life before I started to improve it and met a girl and got a brief taste of what I've been missing out on all these years.
So, I guess I've felt as though sticking around campus, I'd feel like I would have sort of a second chance at a normal semi-college social life. Obviously I won't be going to college, but it's a huge campus, and a great college town, and....well you'd know if you're familiar with the school. I was hoping I would make the best of my last bit of college, and find a job that would be conducive to meeting people and building connections......if anyone has any ideas on that, too, please feel free to add.
But I've been wondering how good of an idea this is....even though, I suppose, it's the only real alternative I had to moving back in with my mom, and I'd rather doze off in the garage with the ignition on than do that. Is sticking around the area just because I felt like I didn't make the most of it during college a good idea?
On the one hand, it seems people tend to get sick of their campus and school area by the time they're done with college and want to move the hell away.
On the other hand, I really do feel like I wasted my college life, and I really did not experience the "college life" in any way. Nor did I do a lot of stuff around and outside of the campus.....I've been here five years, and last semester I met a girl and we became 'friends', or something, and we ended up going to tons of places (mostly restaurants) that she was familiar with and I'd never even been to....just to give you an idea.
So, I don't know if this more emotional reason for wanting to stick around....feeling like I didn't take full advantage of the place during college....is a good reason for living up here after I graduate.
And then there's that girl I mentioned. I won't...can't...get into that, because it's such a long fucking story, but it started off as kind of a potential relationship thingy, but got a bit strange and now I have a friendship-like relationship with her, although she's never done anything to explicitly tell me I'm in the "just friends" zone.....but again, won't get into that. Anyways, she' the only person I really know up her now, even though we don't hang out a whole lot, and I'm pretty sure that her being up here isn't a reason I wanted to live up here. I thought long and hard about it to make sure, and I am pretty sure she has nothing to do with my decision...at least, directly.
But then again, I think to a year later when she should be graduating, and it sounds like she wants to move away when she does....I picture her moving away, and it makes me more depressed about living here. Almost like a reason why I want to live here would suddenly be gone.....and like I said, I don't want her to be a reason for me living up here. So again, I'm worried about the true reasons for me wanting to live here, and when I think about her leaving it kinda feels like she'd be "moving on" while I'd still be living around campus. But I dunno.....hopefully by then I will have met more people, more girls, and the thought of her moving away won't make me so depressed.
bleh, I should end this post now....didn't think it would be so long. I'm just really confused and conflicted over all of this, frightened about graduating, and really depressed about my "social life" in college and how college is just about over for me.....and I'll be leaving college with no real friends, no actual useful degree, no real goals or big ambitions or 'passions', and in some ways I feel like my life is coming to an end because of that. But I am kind of excited about finally living on my own, having an apartment and finally a fucking car to drive off the fucking campus, and the possible prospect of being in a different environment that might be conducive to meeting people (some kind of job). So....I dunno, I guess I have no question, really. You read this all for nothing...HA! unless you skipped to the end, in that case...fuck you. and if my browser crashes after I hit the submit button, I'm blowing up the fucking world.
(just-finished-the-post note: that feeling is now gone, lol)
Anyway, I was thinking maybe it had something to do with my situation and the direction my life is taking. I guess I should be thankful for it, but I feel kind of weird and conflicted about it.
I'm about to go into my last semester of school at UW Madison in which I'll be taking on course (another senior year...), and I'll be moving into an apartment close to campus, and plan to live here indefinitely. I'm almost 23, and my parents will be buying me my first car (which I'm not gonna argue with, considering they bought my 16 year old sister a car a few months ago). I'll be getting some part-time job, and maybe eventually a full-time job. My parents are willing to financially support me for a while, and I'm not gonna feel guilty about it...they already feel guilty enough for raising me the way they did through highschool and not letting me do my own thing and 'explore my interests' (my dads words), so I suppose this is their way for making it up to me.
Today I looked around for apartments, found a nice studio apartment in a nice area next to a lake and fairly close to the campus (about a 5-10 minute walk to State Street if you're familiar with the area), and decided to sign the contract tomorrow.
Anyway, one of the reasons I wanted to do this was because college absolutely sucked for me, from the first month I was an introvert, a recluse, reserved, whatever you want to call it...basically I was shy, had social anxieties, was kind of depressed, and really didn't have much in the way of a social life through college, never really met any girls....I don't really need to go on. Last september I made a vow to change and improve myself, and I've been trying to since then; I got in good shape, tried to conquer my anxieties, improving my people skills, etc. So I feel like I've improved, but that my social life really hasn't...yet. Doesn't matter though, cuz it's too late, since college is pretty much over now. And that thought has had me pretty depressed for a while now......kinda funny how I was more content with my life before I started to improve it and met a girl and got a brief taste of what I've been missing out on all these years.
So, I guess I've felt as though sticking around campus, I'd feel like I would have sort of a second chance at a normal semi-college social life. Obviously I won't be going to college, but it's a huge campus, and a great college town, and....well you'd know if you're familiar with the school. I was hoping I would make the best of my last bit of college, and find a job that would be conducive to meeting people and building connections......if anyone has any ideas on that, too, please feel free to add.
But I've been wondering how good of an idea this is....even though, I suppose, it's the only real alternative I had to moving back in with my mom, and I'd rather doze off in the garage with the ignition on than do that. Is sticking around the area just because I felt like I didn't make the most of it during college a good idea?
On the one hand, it seems people tend to get sick of their campus and school area by the time they're done with college and want to move the hell away.
On the other hand, I really do feel like I wasted my college life, and I really did not experience the "college life" in any way. Nor did I do a lot of stuff around and outside of the campus.....I've been here five years, and last semester I met a girl and we became 'friends', or something, and we ended up going to tons of places (mostly restaurants) that she was familiar with and I'd never even been to....just to give you an idea.
So, I don't know if this more emotional reason for wanting to stick around....feeling like I didn't take full advantage of the place during college....is a good reason for living up here after I graduate.
And then there's that girl I mentioned. I won't...can't...get into that, because it's such a long fucking story, but it started off as kind of a potential relationship thingy, but got a bit strange and now I have a friendship-like relationship with her, although she's never done anything to explicitly tell me I'm in the "just friends" zone.....but again, won't get into that. Anyways, she' the only person I really know up her now, even though we don't hang out a whole lot, and I'm pretty sure that her being up here isn't a reason I wanted to live up here. I thought long and hard about it to make sure, and I am pretty sure she has nothing to do with my decision...at least, directly.
But then again, I think to a year later when she should be graduating, and it sounds like she wants to move away when she does....I picture her moving away, and it makes me more depressed about living here. Almost like a reason why I want to live here would suddenly be gone.....and like I said, I don't want her to be a reason for me living up here. So again, I'm worried about the true reasons for me wanting to live here, and when I think about her leaving it kinda feels like she'd be "moving on" while I'd still be living around campus. But I dunno.....hopefully by then I will have met more people, more girls, and the thought of her moving away won't make me so depressed.
bleh, I should end this post now....didn't think it would be so long. I'm just really confused and conflicted over all of this, frightened about graduating, and really depressed about my "social life" in college and how college is just about over for me.....and I'll be leaving college with no real friends, no actual useful degree, no real goals or big ambitions or 'passions', and in some ways I feel like my life is coming to an end because of that. But I am kind of excited about finally living on my own, having an apartment and finally a fucking car to drive off the fucking campus, and the possible prospect of being in a different environment that might be conducive to meeting people (some kind of job). So....I dunno, I guess I have no question, really. You read this all for nothing...HA! unless you skipped to the end, in that case...fuck you. and if my browser crashes after I hit the submit button, I'm blowing up the fucking world.