I posted this in the confession thread initially with the thought that I didn't want to look like I was seeking attention by making a thread, but I'm still stuck in deciding what I should do. I also don't want any friends I have here on GAF to worry about me since it's not as bad as I make it out to be, no suicidal thoughts or anything.
I have extremely intense social anxiety issues associated with disappointment, falling below expectations, or failing to manage my responsibilities, to the point where it has severely damaged my life and is probably about to do again. I failed out of college during my first year because I wasn't doing well in some classes and instead of trying to improve I just decided to stop going so I wouldn't have to face how poorly I was doing. I stayed in my room, started staying up all night and eating poorly, stopped talking to people completely, and let my life fall apart. I got kicked out, went home, and let my family hate me for the summer. I let everyone down and destroyed the future my parents had planned for me. I found a second chance in another school that I was more interested in attending to chase my dream of making games, and accepted the financial trouble it would put me in. I moved across the country, left behind my girlfriend, all my friends, and my family, just so I could possibly get a degree to not disappoint my parents. I've been here for two and a half years now but my struggle still comes back from time to time. I failed a couple classes simply because I missed a homework or two and felt too ashamed to actually show up anymore and accept that I had been irresponsible. I almost failed in my first year yet again, but managed to work my way out of it and was doing reasonably well until now. I've missed a few assignments again due to poor time management, and I can't bring myself to even go outside aside from when I'm hungry enough to get food. I don't show up to any of my classes, which I'm sure I'm going to fail now, I don't go online anywhere people I know from school can see me, and I don't answer texts or facebook messages. I lie to everyone back at home that everything is fine and I'm probably going to fall apart again. I've completely given up and I don't have to courage to face it or do anything about it. I post here on GAF and tweet and shit pretending I've got it together but I'm a fucking wreck, I'm eating shitty and stopped caring about myself and I really just want to disappear now.
I'm on the edge of failing again, don't want to acknowledge anyone who I owe something to, and keep avoiding my parents. I've had this issue chronically for the last 5 or so years and I feel like a stain on the reputation of my small major and get the feeling that my whole school dislikes me. Blahhhhh.
You have to come to the realization that you and you only control your success. If you ever want to improve, you need to tell yourself that you can. Moping about will NEVER fix the situation, dude. And while other people's opinions do matter, ultimately, what you think of yourself is far more important.
seriously man, just call your mom and tell her you need help.
a mom would travel the whole world to give her son a hug if he needs one. She'll make you feel loved again and that will help you with everything else.
having your family behind your back will make everything better, some sort of "security net" that will help you with the anxiety.
...Are you me? Went through something incredibly similar myself, PM me if you want to talk about it.
General advice anyway - depression is absolutely no joke and it is a fucking battle when anxiety like that takes hold and stuff like what you've described starts happening. The best I think you can do is try and take stuff one day at a time, for now. Past failures can be an incredible, horrible anchor and hold you back indefinitely, but instead of concentrating on them, if you can, try and just move past them. Explain to your tutors/ school councillor/ student welfare/ doctor what's been going on with you, and try and get yourself back onto a decent track before thinking about looking behind you and getting your luggage. Most important is your health and safety, and if that means missing some deadlines then that's okay.
You can get past this. I'm right there with you, doing what I can.
OP you have to take part in your own rescue. if you need help getting your shit together then call home, explain your issues to your parents and make a choice as to if your going to continue school or not, not worth wasting time and money on something your not invested in . what are you doing with your time that its interrupting your responsibilities?
seriously man, just call your mom and tell her you need help.
a mom would travel the whole world to give her son a hug if he needs one. She'll make you feel loved again and that will help you with everything else.
having your family behind your back will make everything better, some sort of "security net" that will help you with the anxiety.
Admitting that I'm lying will just make it worse. I lie to my parents every time something isn't perfect because they freak the fuck out when it's not. They're both teachers, education is life to them.
Yo Grizz at lest one good thing that I can see here is that you are genuinely accepting the mistakes that you have committed. But now the question comes why are you doing the same thing again and again? Maybe an answer to these questions might help.
Is there any particular reason why you don't complete your assignments? What exactly do you do in school if you are not studying/going to classes/socializing?
Do you spend all your time on internet?
Did you have a similar low-performance trend in high school? If no, any particular reason for such a sudden change?
I would suggest you to be honest with your parents first. They might get upset by your behavior, but in the end they will go off limits to help you. That's the best part about parents.
Another thing, please get off from internet for a while and start taking a walk outside.
Also, I never failed out of college, but I do get the "I made a small mistake and now let me make its exponentially worse by consciously messing up more." This led me to fail two classes during college.
What do you do all day that makes you miss assignments? Gaming?
Also, are you good at what you are studying for. A degree in that field isn't going to get you a job without some talent. Friends/contacts in the class will help you find a job or some work on future projects.
Have you discussed your anxiety with your teachers?
Have you looked into counseling or disability support services provided by your school?
I'm going through the same thing, especially the avoidance that comes with failure. Email your relevant teachers, and school counseling as a first step. You don't have to make it sound like an excuse, reach out to them, they are most likely very experienced with helping students in the same predicament. Just tell them your anxiety is having an affect on your study, especially your ability to attend classes, and ask them what resources are available to you and for general advice.
...Are you me? Went through something incredibly similar myself, PM me if you want to talk about it.
General advice anyway - depression is absolutely no joke and it is a fucking battle when anxiety like that takes hold and stuff like what you've described starts happening. The best I think you can do is try and take stuff one day at a time, for now. Past failures can be an incredible, horrible anchor and hold you back indefinitely, but instead of concentrating on them, if you can, try and just move past them. Explain to your tutors/ school councillor/ student welfare/ doctor what's been going on with you, and try and get yourself back onto a decent track before thinking about looking behind you and getting your luggage. Most important is your health and safety, and if that means missing some deadlines then that's okay.
You can get past this. I'm right there with you, doing what I can.
What do you do all day that makes you miss assignments? Gaming?
Also, are you good at what you are studying for. A degree in that field isn't going to get you a job without some talent. Friends/contacts in the class will help you find a job or some work on future projects.
I have games but I hardly touch them. I don't play games when I'm not doing well because my stress and sadness sucks all the fun out of them.
Surprisingly talented actually. I get a lot of praise for my contributions to projects, and was a popular enough hire on student teams to have to turn down a few of them. It's avoiding work in classes that don't excite me that lead to me getting like this. One of the games I worked on was featured by my school at PAX and was selected again to be shown at IGF. Props to my team, they did an awesome job.
Admitting that I'm lying will just make it worse. I lie to my parents every time something isn't perfect because they freak the fuck out when it's not. They're both teachers, education is life to them.
Parents have priorities, they will not be mad at you for lying, they will be (very briefly) mad at you for not reaching out to them earlier; but then they will support you and make sure that you have everything you need to step out of your hole (support, love, even money).
seriously, don't underestimate the power of your family love. Just reach out, be honest, you'll lift a weight off your shoulders and everything will start to look a little easier now that you have support.
I don't know what to tell you, man. You need to admit to yourself and your parents that you're not doing well in school. The longer you lie the worse it's gonna get.
Well I've always hated school, and to answer someone else's question, I've been not getting stuff done and avoiding responsibility since like 7th grade. It just gets worse over time. I'm 21 now, and I feel like school has been my entire life. I can't remember a moment of being alive where I wasn't worried about school or being pressured into making a huge deal out of it and I can't stand that. I'm where I am now because I want to be, but I still fuck up and get scared anyway. I think I could use a first break from school in my life and stress out over an income rather than building debt for once, find some motivation to keep learning, and go back to it when I'm ready.
I have the skills and tools to invest my thoughts and spare moments into personal projects I've been wanting to start for a while, but it's impossible for me to find the motivation to do it when all I ever have on my mind is how I consistently let my parents down.
Grizz, best way to decrease the pile is to slowly start working on it. Don't try to do everything in one day, spread it out, and you'll find your groove eventually. Try to talk to your teachers or fellow students on how to catch up, maybe there are other solutions that help decrease the workload.
Also, tell your parents that its not going that well. Its going to be a hard thing to admit to them, but at least you said something before something drastic happens with your school career.
Baby steps, dude. Also, don't do what your parents or anyone else want you to do but do what makes you happy and that's profitable.
Just sounds like you want to keep your SOs happy but what about you? Are you happy doing it? And when you fail at something the negative feelings quadruple. B'cuz you feel that you've let down everyone else. You need to keep moving forward. Talk to people. Get things straightened out. It's all a learning experience.
I don't know what to tell you, man. You need to admit to yourself and your parents that you're not doing well in school. The longer you lie the worse it's gonna get.
Grizz, best way to decrease the pile is to slowly start working on it. Don't try to do everything in one day, spread it out, and you'll find your groove eventually. Try to talk to your teachers or fellow students on how to catch up, maybe there are other solutions that help decrease the workload.
Also, tell your parents that its not going that well. Its going to be a hard thing to admit to them, but at least you said something before something drastic happens with your school career.
I appreciate that I've been able to earn some degree of respect from HaloGAF, and from times past, GW2GAF, and others, as well as all the people I talk to on Twitter. Y'allz my life right now.
Sorry that I never answer my phone, einfinit, I just don't have it in me.
Well I've always hated school, and to answer someone else's question, I've been not getting stuff done and avoiding responsibility since like 7th grade. It just gets worse over time. I'm 21 now, and I feel like school has been my entire life. I can't remember a moment of being alive where I wasn't worried about school or being pressured into making a huge deal out of it and I can't stand that. I'm where I am now because I want to be, but I still fuck up and get scared anyway. I think I could use a first break from school in my life and stress out over an income rather than building debt for once, find some motivation to keep learning, and go back to it when I'm ready.
I have the skills and tools to invest my thoughts and spare moments into personal projects I've been wanting to start for a while, but it's impossible for me to find the motivation to do it when all I ever have on my mind is how I consistently let my parents down.
I always hated school too. I was so goddamn tired of it that I considered dropping out after 2 years in college. The debt was scaring me. I wanted a job. I wanted to make money and thought that a break would be a good thing. Then, I got a temp job doing overnight inventories of chain stores. After that, I realized that school is maybe worth the effort.
Are your parents paying for your education? You talk about debt so I guess not. If not, why do you feel so beholden to them? It's time to break away.
I always hated school too. I was so goddamn tired of it that I considered dropping out after 2 years in college. The debt was scaring me. I wanted a job. I wanted to make money and thought that a break would be a good thing. Then, I got a temp job doing overnight inventories of chain stores. After that, I realized that school is maybe worth the effort.
Are your parents paying for your education? You talk about debt so I guess not. If not, why do you feel so beholden to them? It's time to break away.
If you've had this problem for at least 5 years, I'd think seeing a professional would be a good start (if you aren't already doing so, but I was hoping you were).
GrizzNKev
So what are you going to do about it? You HAVE to do something.
If I were you, I'd put my nose to the grindstone and finish it out. Just because I hate conflicts. The other option is even harder imo. You could break away from your parents by refusing their money and say you need to do this on your own. Would that work for you?
Have you tried going to a tanning salon? It really helped me boost my spirit everytime I went. Also maybe start working out. If you're too scared, you can start off by researching other people's experience and how it helped them, maybe that will motivate you.
Have you tried going to a tanning salon? It really helped me boost my spirit everytime I went. Also maybe start working out. If you're too scared, you can start off by researching other people's experience and how it helped them, maybe that will motivate you.
Go see a psychiatrist, talk to your parents about how you've been failing at school, stop feeling sorry for yourself, get your work done, and move on with your life. No one is going to do the work for you. Your parents aren't always going to be around to bail you out. You're an adult now. It's time to start acting like one.
And I sure hope you didn't go to one of these private, for-profit technology colleges where tuition is ridiculously expensive, and their student-to-career placement isn't any better than non-profit/state colleges.
Also, let me tell you a secret; stress is always there. It's a constant part of life. It may be money, school, job, a GF, family. You just have to face it.
My school had support so I could get this stuff done for cheap. I spent $75 to get diagnosed with ADHD versus the $1,000+ it would've been at the regular clinic I go to. I'd highly recommend going.
I have a lot of the same issues, OP. I'm 32 and I'm back in school now trying to finish. It's a challenge even though I'm too far along to quit, can't stand these feelings. Have you ever gone to get medication for anxiety or depression or anything of the sort? It helps a ton. I feel awful if I don't have my depression medication. I have all sorts of trouble with side effects from ADHD meds but I am able to do a lot better when I'm on them.
Look, it sucks. I totally sympathize. I'm not going to say "you just need to do it" or some other platitude. But seriously, if you have these issues the very best thing you can do is try to get them looked into and find some sort of treatment.
Funny, your comments about school, because while I ended up doing well in college, I also did some of the things you described. Perhaps worse, in many cases I would stop attending classes I perceived to be "uninteresting", which I know realize was a cop out, bullshit excuse that I was using to convince myself I was somehow intellectually above the class; what an asshole I was at 20. I, too, would miss tests and then not want to come back to face the teacher about it. I just didn't feel like dealing with it. I'd never disclose any of this to my mom, of course.
I didn't have social anxiety but I did have a couple of panic attacks freshman year about the fact that I was on the verge of doing pretty shitty.
The good news is the fix for this is something you're capable of doing. Think about doing your assignments, for example. If you can do your assignments and do them fairly well once in a while, then you can do them well consistently. The only difference is the frequency.
After getting my shit together I still procrastinated like hell but I got my assignments done. So, when you think about it, even minimal effort in this regard can get the job done, although I obviously am not advising that you replace your current m.o. with extreme procrastination.
I also realized that if I ever found myself worried and focused on some task or thing I had to do, then it's time to do it, and when I got into a pattern of at least doing that, I was able to start doing things before it came to worrying about them.
What will spark that motivation in you, I don't know, but as I said: you ARE capable of doing this and I hope you can leverage your friends, family and/or professional help.
Bottom line is this relies strongly on your way of thinking. You gotta remember not to be too dramatic about your responsibilities - keep them in perspective - but take things seriously. It sounds like you have the opportunity to get a degree in something you love, which most people don't have the luxury of doing. The fear of failure here should be precisely what mobilizes you to start making an effort.
Ultimately, when you get over that hump and get in the rhythm, you'll start rolling, slowly. Then, you roll a little more, and here and there you may stop or roll backwards a bit, but if you stick with it, you'll get back into good eating, exercising and academic habits and shit will happen for you, and, like me, you'll look back and be glad you took the opportunity instead of being caught in a self-perpetuating slump.
You will benefit greatly in your professional life if you learn how to fix these type of things in college, I promise you. It's really important that you use your time in college to work on skills like time management and consistency because the reality is that it's a much more forgiving environment than the professional one, and being able to practice those skills in a more relaxed environment is basically a gift.
I know a lot of this sounds lecturey, and that much of it is obvious and likely known to you, but seeing the parallels between some of our behavior while in college and being that I've thought a lot about what I should have done differently back then, almost 10 years ago, I felt compelled to write this and I do hope you everything works out for you.
I was where you are before. Was put on academic probation, switched majors and got out of it the next semester and took some summer classes. But, after that fall I was put on academic probation again and thought I could beat it, but I didn't dropped out before I got kicked out. Spent 3 miserable years in undergrad and completed 2 year of classes.
What finally got me out of it was getting a good, but not great job, and realizing this is as high as I will go without a degree (I also moved). I recognized that what I was really interested in was politics and decided to save up money and go back to school for political science at a new school. Took me an additional 2.5 years but I did it. I was 25 when I graduated, but I did it.
I decided that I needed more than a BS in political science and spent the last 1.5 years of my undergrad working toward going to law school. My only problem was I didn't know, before I got the point of applying, that law schools typically take dropped classes as F's. So despite my graduating GPA of 3.7, law schools saw it closer to 3.0. That didn't deter me though so I went to the only school that let me in, Gonzaga.
Spent a miserable year up in Spokane and went back to the same mood i was in during my first experience in undergrad; dropped out because I was in the bottom 3rd of my class in a lower tier law school that was charging ass-tons of money.
I moved back to where I got my bachelors degree and lucked into the career in government I have now. I'm a home owner and happily married and I have a great job.
Griss, I've been where you are, and am in many ways still where you are. I've failed at some many things in my life, and have numerous regrets. Yet I still struggle to survive, despite feeling like I've been dealt an unwillable hand.
I highly recommend you seek some counseling, Even something as simple as having someone to talk to, can really help. The way I see it, as long your alive anything is indeed possible. But yeah, therapy and a psychiatrist would be what I stress.
Hang in there man.
Edit: Forgot, Mental Health-Care gaf is full of some great folks. Posts in there would arguably be more constructive use of GAF-time.
Well, this is certainly a case I can relate to. This is a little long, but I'll write a full story here (This isn't my blog, and it's not THAT important aside from establishing my indecisiveness and depression) in spoilers if you're interested.
I'm also 21, and I've also gone through similar issues.
Ever since about grade 10, I held off on my school studies and just kind of went with the flow. I developed depression from switching schools that year and found the differences between the two schools to be too overwhelming. It didn't help that my homeroom teacher was (likely) racist and didn't care about her students at all, and I couldn't make any friends until the end of the year (One of the factors that made me go crazy because I used to be surrounded with friends all the time before). It was an environment that I wasn't accustomed to, and discovering my difficulty in making friends at this school set things going.
Grade 11, I was back in my old school, and I got into deeper depression with some relationship drama and I was happy about being with my friends again for a few months, then something changed in me. I failed 6 out of the 8 classes I was in that year. I passed English with a B- because despite that I only did in-class assignments, my teacher was a philosophy major and thought due to my performance in the assignments, as well as my class participation, he let me choose between a C+ or a B. It was the best thing anyone's ever done for me I guess, haha. I had similar issues in grade 12, but somehow managed to graduate. I never showed my parents any of my report cards. I was ashamed of everything but coming from a "relatively" strict Asian household, I was too afraid to show anything but tell them things were fine.
High school graduation ceremony went by, and my friends were at good universities in Vancouver or Ontario somewhere. I didn't apply for schools. Frankly, I didn't know what I needed to do.
My mom actually told me how disappointed she was at one point, and my dad would yell at me for not doing anything.
I spent a year redoing courses, which turned out worse than how I did in high school because I couldn't do them. I somehow developed a block in my head that prevented me from studying or something. I didn't want to disappoint my parents either, but I didn't want to study. My parents said the time I spent during that year was just me fooling around and wasting it, while I felt overwhelmed and tired all the time.
I got lucky with a brand new Nursing program, and I got into the Foundations of Nursing. Helping people was one of the only things I still enjoyed doing, so I decided to enter a field that makes it a career. I thought since I got into the program I wanted to, I could learn to study harder.
Things didn't go well of course. Human Anatomy and Physiology was hard, but I could've done it if I tried, but I miss one assignment, and things fell apart completely. I couldn't make any friends at all, and everybody was kind of cold. I had a panic attack when I found out I had to sign up for an exam, and didn't know about it until 2 weeks before it happened. I wanted to go home and cry on my bed. That was the first time I experienced that, and it sort of became a bigger thing later.
Hell, the only classes I did well in were Psychology and Films because they required very little outside from class participation and exams, and because my instructors were amazing people that really liked me for whatever reason. I failed everything else, even Academic Writing, something I enjoyed doing. I couldn't even tell my parents, but I opened up to them a little. I told them I wasn't doing well, and they were also disappointed, but for the first time, they showed some support for what I was doing, but still disappointed in my performance. A few semesters repeated, and I ended up dropped out.
TL;DR:
I had a few months of counselling within the school, and I was on meds. It didn't really help. Went into different fields, but everything fell apart the same way. Developed frequent anxiety attacks while just working my part time job. At that point, I tried really hard to reach out to people and found some help.
I got therapy from my friend's mother, because she's educated with a degree and trained, and just starting out (And needed clients). After talking for nearly two hours, she told me that I should maybe look into Journalism, and I thought maybe it could work.
What happened here was the hardest thing to do, but it made me much happier for doing it.
I told my parents truthfully about what happened at school, and that I wanted to go into Journalism. My mom exploded in tears and told me about how disappointed she was in me, because she thought I was doing what I wanted to do, and being a nurse is great. I also blew up at her for a lot. My dad didn't say anything for awhile until he actually told me he fully supported me because he felt this was probably the best fit for me.
Then I took a legitimate break for a few months. It was hard at first because my entire family sort of got involved in it, and I got anxious over everything. I tried my best not to show it.
Now I've... Calmed down a lot in the 4 months I took off. I still have a lot of problems, but I am no longer depressed. I still have a hard time doing certain things, but I'm trying to do them now. I'll apply for Journalism soon, and we'll see how it goes.
Maybe your experience will be different, and I can't guarantee anything, but talk to your parents about it. It's hard, it really is, and everything is scary. I've been there, but talking to them was weight off my shoulders like nothing else. Now I'm closer to my parents than ever. It's your life, and they just want you to be happy.
Admitting that I'm lying will just make it worse. I lie to my parents every time something isn't perfect because they freak the fuck out when it's not. They're both teachers, education is life to them.
Well I've always hated school, and to answer someone else's question, I've been not getting stuff done and avoiding responsibility since like 7th grade. It just gets worse over time. I'm 21 now, and I feel like school has been my entire life. I can't remember a moment of being alive where I wasn't worried about school or being pressured into making a huge deal out of it and I can't stand that. I'm where I am now because I want to be, but I still fuck up and get scared anyway. I think I could use a first break from school in my life and stress out over an income rather than building debt for once, find some motivation to keep learning, and go back to it when I'm ready.
I have the skills and tools to invest my thoughts and spare moments into personal projects I've been wanting to start for a while, but it's impossible for me to find the motivation to do it when all I ever have on my mind is how I consistently let my parents down.
Grizz, if you don't like school, it's not going to work out for you. I quit after two semesters and yes my parents were incredibly disappointed, but now I'm making more than my peers after a couple years of hard work as a web developer. Seriously, if you have any aspiration of working in tech, just go for it. Learn a programming language or web development and just do it. You can get started freelancing. Or learn Unity and make small games, building up to the game you want to make.
You will need to support yourself. But everyone has a barista or McDonalds job at some point, it's part of the modern human experience. And if you enjoy programming or web development, you'll make plenty of money freelancing. This is from personal experience by the way, not any kind of guesswork.
Edit: PM me if you have any questions or need to talk, as well. We are all here to help.
I'm on my phone so I would such answering in length but man I hope you can work things out. Wish I could give advice but I got stuck in life and have no room to talk. Don't become like me, you're still young.
