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[Escape Goat]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife..
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,

"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[StrikerObi]

Scientifically proven to be the funniest joke in existance over the globe. Many jokes are funnier in certain cultures, but this one is #1 globally.

Two men are out in the forest hunting deer. While hunting, one man accidentially shoots the other. He panics, calms himself down, and calls 911. The operator answers.

"911 Emergency, how can I help?"

"Hello, I was out hunting with my friend and he got shot. I think he's dead."

"Alright, calm down. First, make sure he's dead."

The operator hears a gunshot over the phone. The man comes back on the line.

"Alright, what next?"

 

[themadcowtipper]

A woman walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses
around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks
over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her.

Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to
see if anyone has noticed her little accident and
hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is
a salesman "Good day, Madame. How may we help you
today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price
of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you
farted just touching it... you're going to shit when
you hear the price."

 

[Willco]

WHAT'S BIG AND BLACK WITH THE SKIN PULLED BACK?

Spoiler

MY DICK!

 

[aparisi2274]

What do you call a Gay Dinosaur?

Spoiler

A MegaSaurAss

How can you tell an American Pirate from a Polish Pirate?

Spoiler

A Polish Pirate has a patch over each eye

:lol :lol :lol :lol

 

[themadcowtipper]

What do you call a Gay Dinosaur?

Spoiler

A MegaSaurAss

How can you tell an American Pirate from a Polish Pirate?

Spoiler

A Polish Pirate has a patch over each eye

:lol :lol :lol :lol

Jeez you get those from Laffy Taffy wrappers????

 

[aparisi2274]

Jeez you get those from Laffy Taffy wrappers????

Nah, from when I was like 10. What was that, 20yrs ago....

Hey its the only jokes I know off the top of my head.

 

[GaimeGuy]

What do you call ten Jews eating at a steakhouse?

Spoiler

Fillet Minyan

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.





RACIST JOKE GET! (delete if offensive)

What's long, black, and sweaty?

Spoiler

The unemployment line.

 

[cloudwalking]

A farmer, a cop, and a businessman were all on vacation at a resort in a tropical paradise.

One day, while the farmer was sunbathing on the beach, an elderly local man approached him.

"See that hill over there?" He said to the farmer, pointing. "If you journey to the very top of it, and yell to the sky your greatest desire, it will fall all around you, and it will be yours forever."

The farmer thought this sounded too good to be true, but he found himself with nothing to do one lazy afternoon, and decided to give it a whirl. He climbed to the top of the hill and yelled as loud as he could, "gold!"

Gold coins began to rain down all around him, until they were piled so high, he had to get three dump trucks to come and retrieve them all.

The next day, the cop was sunbathing on the beach. The same elderly local man approcahed him.

"See that hill over there?" He said to the cop, pointing. "If you journey to the very top of it, and yell to the sky your greatest desire, it will fall all around you, and it will be yours forever."

The cop was an extremely gullible person, so he took off like a rocket and ran to the top of the hill. "Money!" he screamed, and thousands upon thousands of $100 bills rained from the heavens. He also had to employ the use of dump trucks to remove his loot from the hilltop.

The next day, the businessman was sunbathing on the beach. The very same man approcahed him, too.

"See that hill over there?" He said to the businessman, pointing. "If you journey to the very top of it, and yell to the sky your greatest desire, it will fall all around you, and it will be yours forever."

The businessman's eyes lit up. He decided to make off towards the hill as fast as he could, and think of what he would call out for while he climbed the hill.

When he was about halfway up the hill, it began to rain. The businessman ignored it. He continued to drift away into his thoughts.

Finally, he reached the top of the hill. He made his way to level ground, about to call out his wish, when he accidentally slipped in a pile of mud and fell flat on his ass.

"Shit!!" He screamed.

 

[xsarien]

How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

 

[themadcowtipper]

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

 

[-=DoAvl=-]

hahha

more jokes please

 

[Substance]

Why is it never safe to tell jokes on ice?

Because the ice might crack up!

 

[Scrow]

when is a door not a door?

Spoiler

when it's ajar.